07x08 - Basic Training

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

(no voice)

♪ I bet we've been together
for a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together
for a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like
I started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember
what I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing we
can't love each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby,
without us? ♪



Hey, Dad, let me carry those.

Alex, don't be ridiculous.

Oh, come on, Steven, you're not
supposed to carry heavy things.

You just had a heart att*ck.

Elyse, please.

Everyone, do me a favor.

I don't want to hear the words
"heart att*ck."

Well, Mom's right, Dad.

I mean, you shouldn't
overexert yourself

since, you know, you had the...

H-thingy.

Look, I had a...

H-thingy.

But I'm doing fine now.

It's not as if going to, um...

D-thingy.

Steven, I think you're slowly
losing your M-thingy.

- What's for dessert, Mom?
- Oh, I made some

chocolate pudding.

Oh, good, I love
chocolate pudding.

Oh, no, that's not for you.

This is your dessert.

Seaweed-bran pudding.

Elyse, this was my main course.

Not with plankton whip.

Mmm-mmm.

Hi. Sorry I'm late.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi, honey.

- Thanks for the ride, Skippy.
- Hi, Skipper.

Hey, Skippy, would you like
to join us for some dessert?

Uh, no thanks, Mrs. Keaton.

I think I'm just gonna go back
to my house, go up to my room,

and carry on with my pointless
and totally lackluster life.

Say hello to your parents.

Skippy, is something wrong?

It's not something, Mrs. Keaton,
it's just everything.

Today was Career Day at Grant.

We got the results
of our job aptitude tests.

How'd you do, Mal?

Oh, great.

They said I'm good at shopping,
exchanging and gift wrapping.

Well, let's just hope
you use your power

for good instead of evil.

How'd you do, Skip?

Oh, not bad, not bad.

I did, uh, fine.

Oh, yeah, what are you good at?

"Converting oxygen
into carbon dioxide."

There's a real future
in that, Skip.

Aw, let's face it,
I've hit my peak.

It's all downhill from here.

Oh, come on, Skip, come on.
It'll work out.

Why don't you come out
with me for dessert?

No thanks, Mr. K.

Are you sure?

I'm going to Baskin-Robbins.

Steven, don't you dare.

I'm just going to fondle
some sherbet.

Cheer up, Skippy, look,
you brought home

all those career brochures.

I'm sure there's something
in there for you.

Maybe you're right.

Um, "Join the circus.

Become a human cannonball."

Gee, Skip, it says
you'd be good at that.

Oh, no, it's hopeless.

I'll never have a career.

Maybe I should just go into
business with my father.

Oh, what is he doing these days?

He's retired.

Come on, Skippy, look at all
these career opportunities.

Uh, computer technician.

Dental assistant.

Bookkeeping.

Chimney sweep.

Hey, look at this one:
The Army.

Don't run away
from chimney sweep.

Look at this... it says you can
travel all over the world,

meet new and interesting people,

work with state-of-the-art
technology.

Oh, and you got
to love those hats.

Oh, wow.

No, come on,

Skip, you're really not
the Army type.

What are you talking about?

It's in my blood.

One of my relatives was
a famous Revolutionary w*r hero.

Lieutenant Zachariah Handleman.

He was
the first American soldier

to be captured
by his own troops.

Skip, be serious here, you know.

It's a very big step
you're talking about.

I want to do this.

H-How do you join the Army?

I don't know, I mean,

I guess you-you go down
to a recruiting office,

you tell them you want to join,
uh, fill out some forms,

uh, take a medical exam...

you know,
turn your head, cough...

and...

you're in.

I can do that.

And I am going to.

This is the dawn of a new,

tough, courageous,
independent Skippy Handleman.

Alex, will you come with me?

- You okay?
- Yeah.

Good afternoon.

I'm Sergeant Davis.
Can I help you gentlemen?

Yeah. Hi, Sergeant Davis.

I'm Alex P. Keaton,

and, uh,
this is Irwin Handleman.

Irwin would like
to join the Army.

Well, that's good, Irwin.

Uh, what makes you interested
in the Army?

I want to be a man, sir.

Well, we can't
promise anything, Irwin.

But we'll do our best.

Uh, and what about you, Alex?

Why do you want to join
the Army?

Uh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm, uh, I'm really...

I'm not the m*llitary type,
uh, Sergeant.

I'm, uh, I'm a business major.

Oh, well, then perhaps
you'll want to join

our new elite fighting force,
the Airborne Accounting Corps.

The soldiers of fiscal warfare.

See, we drop these troops
behind hostile territory,

and they screw up
the enemy's books.

Uh, well, actually, sir,

I'm-I'm from a family
of, uh, fiscal pacifists.

We're Quakers.

Well, that's too bad. Uh,
why don't you guys have a seat.

Irwin, let me ask you
a few questions about yourself.

Okay, sh**t.

Uh, well, not really.

- Age?
- .

Previous m*llitary service?

Cub Scouts.

Then the Army's gonna be
a day at the beach for you.

Any law violations?

Well, some people say
I violate the laws

of natural selection.

Education?

Two years of college.

Oh, that's great. Where?

Grant College.

Oh.

Well, uh, you know,
Sergeant Davis,

Grant College...

well, being an institute
of-of lower learning,

has produced
some fine m*llitary prospects.

Uh, in fact,
may I remind you, sir,

that, uh, Grant College is named
for Ulysses S. Grant.

Or possibly Lou Grant.

Both-both fine fighting men
in their own right.

You know, Alex, you might be
an excellent candidate

for our Airborne
Verbal as*ault Team.

You flatter me.

Well, Irwin,
militarily speaking,

is there a specific area
that particularly interests you?

Well, I-I've always seen myself
driving a t*nk.

Uh, I feel pretty well-prepared,
because my father has a Buick.

Tanks it is.

That's it? I'm in?

Well, there are
a few formalities

that have to be completed,
but my general sense of it,

Irwin, is that
you're good Army material.

All right!

Hey, hey, Skip, Skip, look,
you're moving really fast here.

Now, are you serious about this?

Oh, yes, I feel really good
about this.

This is, this is right for me.

Well, then, you'll be looking
at eight weeks

of basic training
at Fort Wharton.

- Uh, where is that?
- Just outside Dayton.

Whoa, right on the front lines.

And I'll be seeing you
down there, Irwin.

I'm transferring
down to Fort Wharton.

I'll be your drill instructor.

He'll warm up to you, Sarge.

Hey, don't mind if I do.

- Thanks.
- Oh, I think I'd like...

Dad! These chips
are not for you.

They've not been approved by
the American Heart Association.

What am I supposed to eat?

Oh, Steven, do you think
we're insensitive to that?

Came up with the perfect
solution: Cardiac chips.

And these are homemade,
and there's nothing bad in them.

No salt, no fat,
no preservatives.

Oh, great, what's the recipe?

Thinly slice a raw potato
and serve.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, here, let me...

Now, that must be
the Handlemans.

Look, they're a little upset
about Skippy going,

so try to be supportive
and show them a good time.

- All right.
- Fine.

Hello.

Private Handleman
reporting for party, sir.

- (chuckles)
- Hey.

At ease, Handleman, at ease.

Come on in, Rose.

- Harry, good to see you.
- Hi, Rose.

Hi, Harry.

We'd really like to thank you

for throwing this little shindig
for Irwin.

Oh, I'm sure he'd throw one
for us

if we were going in the Army.

We're so proud of him.

He's going to be
such a wonderful soldier.

He's going to look so handsome

(crying):
In his uniform.

Oh, don't worry, Mom.

I'll call you every day,
twice a day.

Uh, uh, once a day is fine.

Every other day is fine.

STEVEN:
Well, come on, everybody.

Help yourselves.

Here, have-have something
to eat.

What's he going to eat
in the Army?

They don't know
how to cook for him.

He doesn't eat everything,
you know.

It's not going to be like
the good, nourishing food

he's been eating at our house
and yours all these years.

These are raw.

So, Skippy,
when are you shipping out?

Really soon. Uh, in fact,
Sergeant Davis is coming here

to pick me up so we can be
at Fort Wharton by hours.

Which for you civilians
is hours after oh.

I spoke to Sergeant Davis
on the phone.

He sounds like a very nice man.

I told him about

all of Irwin's special,
sweet little quirks.

Come on, Mom.

You don't have to do that.

You can't watch over me
every minute.

I've got to grow up sometime.

Now, he's right, Rose.

He's a big boy now.

He's not the same little Skippy
that used to walk around

chewing an old blue blanket.

Oh, did you pack it, Mom?

It's in there right next
to your asthma inhaler

and your nightlight.

I'm sorry,
I don't mean to get emotional,

but how would you all feel
if you were losing Alex?

I know how I'd feel.

And we certainly
would be having a party.

(doorbell rings)

Excuse me.

Oh, um, Sergeant Davis,
I presume.

That's correct.

- I'm Steven Keaton.
- How are you?

F, flat feet, trick knee,
heart att*ck.

That's good to know.

Please, uh, come in.

Sergeant Davis, everyone.

Sergeant Davis, sir.

You don't have
to salute me, Irwin.

This is sweet,
but if you do this at the base,

no one's gonna want
to share a foxhole with you.

Sergeant Davis,
I'm Rose Handleman.

We spoke on the phone.

I haven't forgotten.

Uh, your son can't digest
milk products.

And don't forget, at night...

He kicks off the covers
and needs to be tucked in.

Well, I guess I'm off to w*r.

What about you, Alex?

It's not too late.

Uh, no, Sergeant,
really, please.

I, um... actually, I inherited
my dad's trick knee.

Yeah.

What are you talking
about, Alex?

- You don't have a trick knee.
- Yeah.

Jennifer, listen... whoa!

My foot just went flat.

Wow.

This is really good-bye.

Well, uh, not-not quite yet.

Uh, Rose, Harry,
uh, Skippy, look.

We're really going to miss you.

But, uh...

well, it's hard to put it
in words, so, uh...

(blows note)

(humming note)

(humming "The Battle Hymn
of the Republic")

Good-bye, Mrs. Keaton.

(humming continues)

I'll never forget you.

Oh, I'm gonna miss you so much!

You've meant the world to me.

Mr. Keaton,
you'll wait for me, won't you?

(humming continues)

We'd better go now.

♪ Glory, glory hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory,
glory hallelujah ♪

♪ Glory, glory hallelujah ♪

♪ His truth is marching on. ♪

Everybody better hurry up;
inspection's in five.

Irwin, come on, get up.

One more minute, Mommy.

I'm not your mommy.

I've got a g*n.

Oh.

Hi, Holworthy.

Hi, shnookums.

Now get up; it's inspection.

And you've already failed twice.

This time, I'm prepared.

You better
pull yourself together,

or you're gonna lose
your weekend pass.

Hey, Handleman,

what are you doing
with your weekend pass?

Oh, I-I thought
I'd just hang around here

and brush up
on the Geneva Convention.

Did you guys hear
what Handleman is doing

with his weekend pass?

Brushing up
on the Geneva Convention.

What the hell is
the Geneva Convention?

Well, maybe you should hang out
with me here and brush up on it.

You talking to me, Handleman?

Holworthy, back off.

You're not scaring me.

All right,
maybe you are scaring me.

May I remind you gentlemen

that I know Sergeant Davis
personally?

We've hugged.

Ten-hut!

Ready for inspection?

Yes, Drill Sergeant!

Actually, I could use
a few more minutes.

I don't hear you, Handleman!

That could possibly be
wax buildup, Sergeant Davis.

I cannot believe

that I'm the one
who recruited you, Handleman!

I cannot believe that you have
not tucked me in once!

Put a lid on it, soldier!

All right, soldiers,
stand at ease.

Get to your bunks.

Good job, Curtis.

Well done, Matthews.

Good job, Strauss.

Well done, Holworthy.

Are you looking for
something specific, Sarge?

Yes!

I'm looking for
the signs of a solider!

And I don't see one here!

Um...

Sergeant Davis, can I talk
to you for a minute?

What happened to us?

We used to be so close.

Don't you remember,
back at the recruiting office?

Well, we'll always have
Columbus, Handleman.

But right now...

when one of you screws up,
you let the whole platoon down!

When one of you fails,
you all fail!

Weekend passes revoked,

compliments of
Private Irwin Handleman.

Um...

- No, uh, Sergeant, you...
- (door slams)

Guys, I've got
some extra Fig Newtons.

(whistling)

Who am I kidding?

Celery dog, Elyse?

Steven, tonight...
you're gonna get lucky.

I don't care about that, Elyse,
I want some food.

That's what I was
talking about, Steven.

See, you've been
so pathetic all week,

having to eat all this
low-cholesterol food,

so I called Dr. Harrison,
and he said that occasionally

you could have a small treat.

Don't tease me, Elyse.

Feast your eyes on this.

Oh, God, Elyse, thank you.

No, no, no, no.

You can't have it all.

You can just have...

this much.

Aren't you gonna finish it?

I'd like to save
the rest for tomorrow.

Hey, look at this.

- We got a postcard from Skippy.
- Yeah.

Oh, what's it say?

Uh... I don't know,
it's in Spanish.

"Mis amigos Keatons.

Todo esta muy bueno
aqui en Akron."

It was something about Akron.

How do you know, Jennifer?

Did you take Spanish?

You know...

...he's only been gone
a couple of weeks,

but I-I really miss
our little Skippito.

I can't believe this, Dad,
but I have to agree with you.

I mean, remember all the silly
things he used to do?

Like when he'd come over
to see us,

instead of knocking on the door,

he'd squish his face
up against the glass and...

(screams)

Skippy?

Skippy, what are you doing here?

I didn't think
they'd give you time off.

Do the letters "A-W-O-L"
mean anything to you?

You went AWOL?

That's right, I did it.

I went AWOL.

What is AWOL?

It means "Absent Without Leave."

Really?

I-I thought
it literally meant "a wall."

As in going over a wall,
which is what I did.

Oh, boy.

Skippy, what are you
talking about?

Listen, I thought you said
everything was going fine there.

It wasn't.
It was a complete disaster.

Nobody liked me.

Oh, come on, Skippy,
you should be used to that.

- (knocking)
- SKIPPY: Oh, my God.

- Oh, it's Sergeant Davis.
- Oh, it's Sergeant...

- What am I gonna do?
- Well, Skippy, I...

No, I...

Well, Sergeant Davis.

Mr. Keaton.

If you're here to measure me
for a uniform, about-face.

No. No.

I'm here looking for
Private Irwin Handleman.

Oh.

(laughs): Pri...
do you hear that, Steven?

(laughing)

He's look... (laughing)

He's looking for
Private Irwin Handle...

You want a,
want a celery dog, sir?!

I'm here, Sergeant Davis.

Thank you very much,
Mrs. Keaton, but...

this is my problem, and...
I've got to deal with it.

Excuse me, folks,
but would you mind

if I speak
to the private privately?

(humming "The Battle Hymn
of the Republic")

Handleman,

you have committed
a very serious offense.

Now, going AWOL is one of Army's
least favorite things.

What's going to happen
to me now, Sergeant?

We could throw you
in the stockade.

Or we could put you
on a rock pile.

(sighs)

Or... we could do
what we're gonna do.

Let you out.

You can do that?

It's called a trainee discharge
for unadaptability.

This won't be the first
one of these I've gotten.

Look, Irwin...

...part of growing up

is finding out where you fit in.

And where you don't fit in.

And we both know
you don't fit into the Army.

I don't know.

I don't feel good about this.

I don't want to feel like
I'm quitting.

You're not. You're fired.

Well, great.
So I'm back to where I started.

Back to square one.

I'm just no good at anything.

Hey, listen to me, Irwin.

Took a lot of courage
for you to join the Army.

And that's the same
kind of courage

that's gonna get you to where
you should rightfully be.

You're going to
become a man, Irwin.

Thank you, Sergeant Davis.

Alex!

I want you.

You know, actually,
Sergeant Davis,

I've been thinking about that

Airborne Accounting Corps,
and... oh!

Darn, the old trick knee.

Oh, it's...

I'll be back for you, Alex.

Irwin.



MAN:
Sit, Ubu, sit. Good dog.

(Ubu barks)