09x01 - Down and Out in Malibu: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ You take the good
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin'
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

Yes, jeff, I told the director

I absolutely would
not kiss the leading man.

Yeah, I told him, I
have a boyfriend,

So romeo and juliet

Will just have to shake hands.

I found it.

Jo's old catcher's mitt.

I can still see our
jo hunkering down,

Jamming her fist into this.

"Come on, right
here! Right here!"

No, I don't think we'll soon

Forget that senior prom.

You won't mind if I
take it to camp with me?

Sure she'll mind, but
she's in california.

That's a good point.

You know, I really do miss her.

Don't quote me on that.

Ok andy, I've stamped
and self-addressed

Some postcards for you.

All you have to do is mail them.

I'm surprised you
didn't write them for me?

I did. You're having
a wonderful time.

Ok, we're off.

Tootie, andy is
going say good-bye.

Good-bye.

No, not you... Hello, jeff.

Hello?

Tootie, you have two ears.

[Telephone rings]

Hello, jeff?

Jo! Hey girl! How you're doing?

It's about time that you called.

But I guess you're too busy
having a fun summer, huh?

Yeah, right.
Listen, can I talk...

Tootie: guess what. Jeff came
to see me every weekend.

Doing summer theatre...
Give me that phone.

Hey, jo, it's nat.

I registered for
college yesterday.

Natalie, can I talk
to blair, please?

You want to talk
to blair... Warner?

They move to california,
something happens.

Blair, it's jo.

Oh, great! Jo, how nice.

I just bought my law books

And I was remembering

How sweet you were
to help me pass my lsats.

Blair, can I borrow some money?

What number were you dialing?

Just something's come up.

I need a little extra cash.

What are we talking
about, $5,000, $10,000?

Couple hundred will be fine.

Oh, mad money.

Oh, no problem.

I'll have it delivered to your
apartment by 10 in the morning.

I'm not in my apartment.

I'm in malibu.

The address is 102
malibu coast drive.

Ok, got it.

And, blair... I
know, I know. Bye.

And all of a sudden this
guy is running down the beach

With practically
everything I owned

And jumps on a big [indistinct]
or something and sails away.

Mugged by a windsurfer.

And you broke your
foot running after him?

Yeah, well, sort of.

See, there was this
lady buried in the sand.

I tripped over her head.

Well, all you can do now is go
home and wait to hear from us.

I don't have no home.

See I lost my job and had
to give up my apartment.

I've just been traveling
around on my bike.

But I've got some
money coming tomorrow.

Do you have a cell or something,
I could borrow for the night.

Sorry. I'd like to help, yeah,

But it's against regulations.

Well, that's all right.

I'll just... Oh,
sleep on the beach.

Well, I can't let
you do that either.

It's against the law.

Oh, that's right.

Of course, if you did
sleep on the beach,

We'd just have to bring you in.

Oh, darn. And what's
the penalty for that?

Ahem. A night in jail.

Good morning,
officer. My name's...

Wait, don't tell me.

I know.

You're, uh... Richard moll.

No.

Yes.

I live up at 55 ocean view.

I'm going out of town,
for a couple of weeks.

My plane leaves in an hour.

My housesitter canceled on
me, as I was walking out the door.

So I need a favor.

Gee, I'd like to help you,

But I can never
sleep in a strange bed.

I was just hoping you guys
could keep an eye on the place.

After all, we have
a lot in common.

I play an officer on my show.

What show is that?

Wild kingdom.

Look, I really got
to go. How about it?

We'll be happy to
drive by for you.

Hey thanks.

Excuse me.

It's kind of funny that
you need a housesitter,

Because I'm looking for a
place to stay for a while.

It looks like you
already have one.

Oh no, no.

This was just for the night.

I'm available to housesit.

That's very nice, but I
usually pick my housesitters

From outside the
criminal justice system.

No, I'm not a criminal.

See, I was mugged,
messed up my foot.

I just need a place
to stay for a few days.

That's good enough for me.

Let me give you my key to
my house, my checkbook.

And which would you
prefer, mastercard or visa?

Forget it. It's
was a stupid idea.

I sure thought so.

Was she telling the truth?

I can vouch for her.

What's your name?

Jo polniaczek.

That could be an alias.

No, it couldn't.

Look, either you
trust me, or you don't.

But either way, I
got to tell you.

I love your show.

I'm one of your biggest fans.

Here's the keys.

Now, all the instructions
are on the kitchen counter.

And here's the number where
you can reach me in new york.

Got it.

But remember,

That house is my pride and joy,

My sanctuary, my shangri-la.

If anything happens
to that house,

Your foot will be the
healthiest part of your body.

Have a nice day.

Great guy.

So, any chance of getting
some time off for good behavior?

I'll see if I can find the key.

Excuse me.

The address outside
says 102 malibu coast drive.

Oh, that's because we pride
ourselves on our accuracy.

But this is a police station.

I'm supposed to meet a
friend at this address.

Let me guess. Jo polniaczek?

Yeah.

Holding cell number one.

Dear lord, I knew it.

Hello, jo.

Blair?

I got the bail money.

And I just want you to know

That no matter what you've done,

I don't want my name
brought into this.

What happened to your foot?

Escape attempt.

Ok. You ready to go?

Yeah. Thanks.

Had a great time.

Thanks a lot. Okey-doke.

Oh, gosh, blair, thanks
for springing me.

You weren't arrested?

No. I was mugged.

You?

You had to be there.

Listen, why didn't you
just send the money?

Well I just thought I might
as well come on myself

Since I was so, uh... Worried?

Yeah.

Well thanks, but I'm all right.

Is that why you
spent the night in jail,

Instead of your apartment?

No, I don't have an
apartment anymore.

Oh, jo, it's come to this.

Next thing, you're gonna
tell me you lost your job.

But it's all right.

So you came to california,

And you failed miserably.

That's nothing to be ashamed of.

You have all the
answers, don't you?

'Cause I know you.

So why don't you come
on back home to peekskill,

Where you can lick your wounds

And erase the memory
of this utter humiliation?

Are you through?

Because if you are,

I would like to go back to
my comfortable beach house

At 55 ocean view.

Beach house?

This I got to see.

Great. Let's go.

Go outside. I'll get the bag.

How does one get
to 55 ocean view?

Look at this place.

Jo, how can you afford it?

Utter humiliation
pays well in california.

Jo, this job you have,

Does it involve wearing
fishnet stockings?

No!

Hey, and don't get
too comfortable.

Tomorrow you go
back to peekskill.

And why would I do that?

It's not as if you don't have
plenty of room here for me.

What's this?

"Water plants. Don't
adjust air conditioning.

Lock the patio windows."

Uh, oh that.

That's just a note I
left for my housekeeper.

You have a housekeeper?

Jo, you've compromised
every value you ever had.

I'm so proud of you!

Where's the powder room?

Uh, over there.

Where?

Do I have to show
you everything?

Never mind! I'll explore.

And don't touch anything!

Boy, the nouveau riche.

That you've one
little possession,

And there's no living with them.

Jo...

Yeah?

Is there a matching
top for this?

Ha ha! That!

Ha! That's not mine!

That, uh... Belongs to a guy.

Thanks for the news flash, jo.

I'm just wondering
if it's the same guy

Whose clothes
are in your closet.

All right. Look, blair,

I'm gonna tell you the truth.

Blair jo, I don't believe it.

Are you trying to tell
me, you're living with a man?

Yeah!

And not only does she
have a fabulous house,

But she's living with some guy.

Yes, jo.

I haven't met him yet.

Jo says he's with
the government,

Some kind of hush-hush thing.

And that's why she
hasn't told us about him.

Yes, tootie.

I know jeff is probably
trying to get through.

Right.

Bye.

So, uh, what did you tell them?

Oh, just that I got here ok,

And you're doing great,

And everything's under control.

You know, there's still time
to put you on that red-eye.

That's my jo...

The hostess with the leastest.

[Doorbell rings]

Jo, is it really you?

Uh, paul, what are
you doing here?

Finding you, after checking
police stations for 2 weeks.

Maybe I should have
been checking hospitals.

What happened to your foot?

Oh, uh, windsurfing accident.

I'm sorry. I should have called.

It's so good to see you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

So...

You must be jo's fella.

Well, I'd like to think so.

And he's witty, too.

Uh, paul, this is my
best friend blair.

Blair, this is, um...

The guy I'm living with...

Here, in this house.

It's paul.

Hey, a lot's happened
since I saw you last.

Absolutely. Ha ha!

Why don't you come
on out to the balcony.

I'll just fill you right in.

Ok.

You'll excuse us,
won't you blair?

Of course.

Hey, it's your house.

You lovebirds do
whatever you want.

You know I really like what
I've done with this place.

Ok. Correct me if I'm wrong.

We meet a few
months ago at work.

We start dating.

Everything's going along fine.

Then all of a sudden,
the business collapses,

You disappear,

And the next thing I
know, we're living together

In richard moll's
malibu beach house.

Did I miss anything?

Yeah. The part where
you work for the cia.

Do you want to explain
any of this to me?

Look, I can't even
explain it to myself.

Just that blair
got me really mad.

And I couldn't let her
think I blew it out here.

And one lie led to another.

What happened with
the job wasn't your fault.

The business went belly up.

That's not blowing it.

Look, I lost my job, too.

Sure, but you cia guys

Get a government pension.

Look, why did you leave, huh?

I mean, I thought

That everything
was going along fine.

We were together
night after night.

More like night after
every other night.

You were seeing other women,

And that's fine, as
long as nobody minds.

Trouble is, I started minding.

That's really why you left?

Well, it was a lot of things...

The job, losing my
apartment... You and me.

You know, when you
disappeared out of my life,

I missed you more than
I ever thought I could.

Sure. But those were the
loneliest mondays, wednesdays,

And fridays you ever spent.

The rest of the week, too.

Look, I realized that I
only cared about you.

I stopped seeing everybody else.

I love you.

Now, look, you said we
were living together.

Well, why not?

Let's live together.

Jo, we can make this
work. I know we can.

We're good with each other.

We make each other laugh.

We both like chinese food.

What else is there?

Look, paul...

There's too much has
been happening too fast.

We haven't even known
each other for long. I just...

Don't say yes. Don't say no.

Just think about it.

And be here when I get back.

Well, I'll be here.

I have our house to watch

While you're out
violating acts of congress.

I'll, uh, see you soon, huh?

Somebody's out there.

I know. I heard a car pull up.

[Thump]

He's trying to get in.

You unleash the doberman!

I'll load the bazooka!

Aah! Whoa! Aah!

What are you doing here?

No hello? No how are ya?

No hello? No how are ya?

What are you doing here?

Are you kidding, we heard
you had this fabulous house.

And you do. Wow!

Oh, jo, you should be
very proud of yourself.

So young and so...
Upwardly mobile.

All this and a man, too.

Look, you guys,
you can't be here.

Oh, jo! Sure we can.

The girls don't start
school for another 10 days.

So we can stay
for at least a week.

No, I'm afraid you can't.

Look, you just
have to understand.

Well, I don't understand.

I fly all the way
across the country

In the middle of the night...

With the nearest
telephone 35,000 feet down...

Sitting there between a cry baby

And a man who kept falling
asleep on my shoulder,

Just to share the good
fortune of a close friend,

And she tells me
that I'm not welcome.

Well, that's just fine.

Come on, natalie. We're leaving.

Not me, uh-uh. She
got a hot tub up there.

Over the skylight
and a view of the ocean.

I am home.

So am i.

Look, you can't stay here,

Because this is not my house.

It's richard moll's house.

Richard moll?

That's bull!

No, really.

Listen, you might
as well sit down.

Because I've got
a lot to tell you.

So now you know
it was all a lie.

Well at least the
paul part of it is true.

I accepted it when I thought
you were living with him.

But now that you're
only considering it,

I don't know what to think.

I don't know, either, tootie.

It's big step jo.

I mean it's not gonna
be like living with us.

That's one point in his favor.

Look I haven't met him,
but he's right for you.

That's good enough for me.

I second the motion.

Well, he is great guy,

But I still have
to think about it.

While you do, I'll be
upstairs in the hot tub.

Wait a minute, natalie.

We can't just leave jo
in an awkward position.

I mean this isn't her house.

Come on, girls.
We'll find a motel.

I'm sorry, guys. I
hope you don't mind.

Of course not.

You stay here in this nice,
big, roomy, gorgeous house,

And we'll find some cheap,
seedy motel to sleep in.

With a flashing neon
sign that says "acancy."

And what about me?

How can I enjoy myself
at the beverly hills hotel

Knowing my friends are staying
at the casa de cockroach?

It's ok, blair.

Maybe there will at
least be a wading pool.

All right. All right.
Give me a break.

You can stay, but
remember, treat this house

As if it belongs to a man

Who could eat cleveland.

Let's see.

At 10:00, we can
be in hollywood.

11:15, Chinatown.

You'll love this, blair.

1:30, Lunch in beverly hills.

It sounds like fun.

But I don't feel right
leaving the house empty.

Oh, mr. Moll can't
really expect you

To guard this
place 24 hours a day.

He just wants it
to look lived in.

Alright. You could probably
need a tour guide, anyway.

Oh, great. Then it's settled.

Jo, you drive.

I'm telling you, if all
the world leaders

Were forced to sit together

In gallons of warm bubbles,

There would be no w*r.

I think I could sit
in there for hours.

You did, tootie.

Alright all the doors
and windows are locked.

You guys exit in
an orderly fashion

And don't touch anything.

You know, sarge, you
could use a month or two

Soaking in hot water yourself.

[No audio]

Blair: that was meryl
streep back there.

Blair, meryl streep would
not stand by the side of road

Holding a sign that says fresno.

Jo, were...

Were you having the
carpet shampooed?

What the... What is this?

High tide?

Something's leaking.

Something... Very big.

Uh-oh.

Oh, my god. The hot tub!

Aaahhhh!

[♪♪♪]