09x04 - Before the Fall

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Facts of Life". Aired: August 24, 1979 - May 7, 1988.*
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Spin-off of Diff'rent Strokes; focuses on Edna as she becomes a housemother at the fictional Eastland School, an all-girls boarding school.
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09x04 - Before the Fall

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♪ You take the good
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin'
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

Well, another edition

Of the p.t.a. Newsletter.

I think this headline's
a real grabber...

"Students graduate;
new ones enroll."

Boy, we're turning out
some powerful stuff here.

Hey, you guys still at it?

Just finishing up.

How was the movie?

Awful. Terrible.

I loved it.

Were you all facing the screen?

Andy wasn't.

Ah, give me a break.

I was just teasing
you to prepare you

For the horror of adolescence.

Trust me, he's prepared.

He's seen you
without your makeup.

So, andy, what was
the movie about?

I have no idea.

I was staring at patty maxwell.

A girl from his school.

Mmm, must be quite a young lady.

She is. She's a goddess.

She even chews with
her mouth closed.

Girls like that
are hard to find.

Well, now that you've found her,

Faint heart never won fair lady.

Make your move.

How?

I can talk to other girls,

But when patty's around,

I sound like porky pig...

E-buh-dee-e-buh-dee-
e-buh-dee...

Would you go out with me?

Maybe it would help
you relate to patty

If you knew the
female point of view.

Okay.

Could you help me out
and pretend to be a girl?

Lesson number one:

Never insult someone
who knows where you sleep.

Oh, I remember my
first real crush.

She was the prettiest
girl in the school,

And one day I asked her if I
could carry her books home,

And she laughed
right in my face.

The world is full
of insensitive people.

The good part is, eventually,

They get what's coming to them.

She did. She's my wife.

Hi. Hey.

Tootie, natalie,
I'd like you to meet

Christopher
morgan, from the p.t.a.

Christopher morgan.

Aren't you the editor
of the peekskill register?

That depends.

I think it's an
excellent newspaper.

That's what it depends on.

You know, natalie is a writer.

Tootie. Yes, I know.

Beverly ann told me.

I mean a really top
notch, first-rate writer.

Tootie.

Mr. Morgan, aren't editors
the ones who hire writers?

Mr. Morgan, forgive
my impetuous friend.

She doesn't understand
that you can't walk up

To someone you just
met and ask them for a job.

Well, you don't
know unless you try.

Sometimes you just have
to stick your neck out.

Can I have a job?

No.

But, um, how would you like

To do an assignment for us?

Oh, we'd love to.

Great. And I work alone.

I've been thinking
about doing a story

On women in the army
training program.

The r.o.t.c. At langley?

Yes, I need somebody who
can give me a firsthand account

Of what the women
cadets go through.

I need an insider.

But, to be an
insider in the r.o.t.c.,

Wouldn't one have
to be in the r.o.t.c?

As we say in our
religion section, bingo.

Oh.

But isn't that quite a
commitment for one story?

Oh, you wouldn't
have to stay in r.o.t.c.

Rules allow you to get
out any time you want

Within the first year.

You go in, you get your story.

You get out, you
write your story.

You read her story,
you love her story,

You give her a job at the paper.

Oh, no, I didn't say that.

Oh, I know. My agent did.

And, uh, now that I
heard it, that's my offer.

Ah. Well, it won't be
an easy assignment.

You won't be able to tell
anyone why you're there,

And you'll have to convince them

You're a regular gung-ho cadet.

Gung-ho?

I'll make rambo
look like a bimbo.

Hi. I'm natalie green.

Hi. Jody fletcher.

Hi.

Come on, come on, fall in!

Hustle up, people.

Ten-hut!

[Grunts]

Thank heavens you're
only the reserves.

I'm sergeant evans.

When you graduate
from this program,

You will be united
states m*llitary officers.

Achieving that honor
will take a heroic effort,

Sacrifice, and pain.

And that's just from me.

Any questions?

Could I have your first name?

Certainly. It's william.

[Whispers] william.

But you can call me sergeant!

Got it!

[Grunts]

And another thing...

This gymnasium is
now a m*llitary base.

All officers are to
be addressed as "sir."

All others by their rank.

Now sound off for roll call.

Fletcher.

Here, sergeant.

Green.

Here.

Here what?

Here I am.

Not "here I am."

"Here" who?

Here, natalie?

What's that notebook for?

Oh, uh, notes, in
case there's a test.

Heh heh heh heh.

Here's a test, green.

True or false...

Sergeant evans is going to
make your life very miserable.

Whoa, jody. Whoa, jody.

Whoa, jody!

I wonder if this is
how tarzan started.

I can't believe
you don't love this.

Love this?

Every day they come up with
something new to t*rture us.

Drilling, marching,
calisthenicking.

The army builds character.

You get used to
it after a while.

How long did it take you?

About four generations.

I come from a long
line of soldiers.

My father says the m*llitary is
the fletcher family business.

Family business? That's good.

I gotta remember that.

What's your story?

What story?

I don't know anything
about a story.

Why'd you join?

You don't seem army.

I thought it'd be a
great place to meet guys.

Then why are you
spending all your time

Talking to the women?

I'm playing hard to get.

Ladies...

How about moving something
other than your lips,

Like your butts!

Putting this butt
right in gear, sergeant.

[Grunts]

Hi. Where have you been?

I saw patty maxwell.

I walked right up to her,

Took a deep breath,
and I kept on walking.

So you didn't ask her out, huh?

To approach a
goddess of her caliber

Takes sensitivity, timing.

Guts, andy, that's all it takes.

No, wait a minute, wait, now.

I understand.

The sight of me in person

Intimidates a lot of men.

That's why we
have the telephone.

Yeah, that's right.

That's how jeff got up
the guts to talk to me...

Only I called him.

Andy, you can't count on a girl

Being as desperate as tootie.

You better call her.

Yeah, but how do I
get her phone number

Without asking for
her phone number?

Beverly ann has a p.t.a. Roster.

Older women are so smart.

Hey. Hi.

Tootie, I'm all finished
with my article.

Hey, that's great.

[Doorbell rings]

I cannot wait for
mr. Morgan to read this.

Hi, natalie.

Why can't everything
in my life be this easy?

I got beverly ann's
newsletters hot off the press.

Oh, I'll take them to her.

Oh, thank you.
Careful, they're heavy.

Okay.

So, how's the article coming?

It's all finished.

Great.

I can't tell you how
happy this woman is

To be out of this man's army.

Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

"Family business."

Good, good.

You could have a job tomorrow

If the rest of it's like this.

Oh, gets better, wait
till you read the part

Where sergeant evans gives his
farewell speech to the troops.

Farewell?

Yeah, last page. He's
been transferred out.

Uh-huh. "To be replaced by
sergeant mary ann mcnamara."

Yeah.

This story isn't finished yet.

Sure it is.

No.

I want to know how life
for women in the r.o.t.c.

Changes when a woman
instructor takes over.

What would change?

You tell me. Get that story.

Well, if this is what I have
to do to become a writer,

Then I will do
it. That's a girl.

How bad can it be?

All right, you chowderheads!

I bet a lot of you thought

It was going to be
a day at the beach

With your new lady sergeant.

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Surprise!

I'm gonna tell you right now

I am more man than any woman

You're ever gonna meet.

Shoulders straight, cadet.

Yes, sir... Ma'am!
Sir! Whatever!

I got a question
for you knotheads.

Does anybody know
why I'm here? Hmm?

Just our luck?

My, my, my, what have we here?

It's a comedian.

Maybe the class will
remember how funny you are

When they're out running 5
miles in full gear this afternoon.

That's not fair.

Did you say something?

Did words somehow
escape your face

And come flying out into the air

Where I could hear them?

No, si... Sergeant.

Hmm.

Well, I got some good
news for you bucketheads.

You can feel free to
cheer when you hear it.

I am a jump master.

Yeah! All right!

Isn't that great, natalie?

Yeah!

What's a jump master?

We're going parachuting.

Parachuting?

Out of an airplane
that's off the ground

And flying around in the sky?

Way up in the sky, green.

Could you guys listen to this?

I have to rehearse
my phone call to patty.

Yeah, sure.

"Hello, patty maxwell's
mother or father.

"This is andy moffet.

"Fine, thank you.

"May I please speak to patty?

Thank you, patty maxwell's
mother or father."

What do you think?

Well, it's great,

But what do you say when
patty gets on the phone?

Uh-oh.

Better go work on it some more.

Oh, good, the phone's free.

Yes, the editor's desk, please.

Natalie green, as
in the green berets.

Mr. Morgan, hi. You are
not gonna believe this.

They want me to parachute
out of an airplane.

Isn't that the silliest
thing you ever heard?

The part where I
jump out the plane

With a tablecloth
tied to my back.

Yes, the job's important to me,

But how can I take
it if I'm not alive?

Yeah, I understand.

Bye.

He wants you to
make the jump, huh?

He says it'll be an
experience I'll look back on

For the rest of my life.

Sure, up until the
moment you hit the ground.

Oh, come on, you guys.

Now, they're not
gonna let natalie

Make that jump without training.

I'm sure with proper instruction

Anybody could make
a parachute jump.

Would you do it?

Are you crazy?

You can't seriously be thinking

Of going through with this?

No jump, no story.
No story, no job.

No job, no career.

No life, none of the above.

Good point.

Natalie, you don't have to do
anything you don't want to do.

Blair: wait a minute.

A brilliant idea just
popped into my head.

Oh, well, don't frighten it.

It's a lonely place in there.

When a top attorney needs
research done for a case,

Does she do it herself?

Mm-mmm, no, no, no, no.

But, when she wins the case,
does she take full credit?

Mmm, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Are you suggesting that natalie

Ask somebody else
to tell her about it,

And then...

And then lead her
readers to believe

She made the jump herself?

Exactly.

Works for me.

Excuse me, but natalie
is an ethical reporter

And would never stoop so low

As to even consider
such a thing.

I absolutely agree.

[Descending whistle]

[Imitates crash]

Okay, come on, fletcher.

Feet together, toes
pointed forward,

Knees bent, and go!

Yeah! That's it, girl!

Okay, green, you're next.

Come on, natalie, you can do it.

Okay, green, keep
them feet together,

And go!

Geronimo!

Thank you, green.

That big red spot in the ground

Is gonna make a nice
target for everyone else.

At least I hit
the pad this time.

Lady, tomorrow it's
not gonna be three feet.

It's gonna be 10,000
feet to the ground.

So I suggest you
concentrate when you jump,

Unless you intend to become a
permanent part of the topsoil.

Is that clear?

Very.

Oh, lord.

All right, you jugheads,
at ease for five minutes.

Let's try it again.

So what do you think the
main difference has been

Between having a man instructor

And a woman instructor?

No difference.

You respect the uniform,
not the person in it.

Bend your knees a little more.

Okay. I mean, which one
was tougher and why?

You sure ask a lot
of weird questions.

Well, after the jump tomorrow,

I'll have even more questions.

Why is that?

Because I won't be there.

Better. Yeah.

I'm not kidding, jody.
I'm not making that jump.

Well, I know it's scary,
but you have to go.

Otherwise, the sarge
will be busting your tail

For the rest of the year.

I might as well tell you now.

I'm not gonna be here
for the rest of the year.

What do you mean?

I'm just training
with the cadets

To get a story for
the peekskill register.

But I'd appreciate it if
you just kept it between us.

It's kind of a
secret. You're a spy?

You have a lot to learn
about keeping secrets.

I thought you were my friend.

I thought you were asking
me all those questions

Because you wanted
to get to know me.

You were just using me to
get quotes for a stupid story?

Look, jody, I didn't
mean to hurt you,

But this isn't a stupid story.

It's the first
step in my career.

You want some
quotes? How about this...

I'm sorry I talked to you,

I'm sorry I trusted you,

And I'm sorry I ever met you.

Jody.

I blew it.

I blew it!

Well, could you blow it
someplace else, please?

I told jody everything,

And now she thinks I
deliberately befriended her

Just to pick her brain.

Do you know what that makes me?

The next barbara walters?

Come on, nat. What
else could you do?

You had to find
out about the jump,

And you certainly weren't
gonna do it yourself.

Then I should have never
accepted the assignment.

Oh, natalie, that's
absolutely ridiculous.

What if you were
given the assignment

To write about having a baby?

You wouldn't run
out and get pregnant.

Would I be getting
my own byline?

Isn't there anyone
else in your class

You can ask about
the parachuting?

No way, and by now jody's
probably told them all

What a snitch I
am, and she's right.

Go ahead, andy.
There's the phone.

I'm sure someone else

Wants to use it right now.

Tootie, you want to call jeff?

Oh, no, thanks. I
already spoke to him.

It's all yours.

Andy, would you quit
stalling and call patty?

Hey, get off his back.

If he doesn't want to call
her, he doesn't have to.

Thank you, jo.

I knew you'd understand.

Well, actually I don't,

But I defend your
right to be a coward.

Call her.

But... Now.

Why are you making
such a big deal out of this?

Because you remind me of me.

See, andy...

I lived most of my married life

Afraid of everything.

I was afraid to drive,

Afraid to talk in
public, afraid of cheese.

Cheese?

In wisconsin.

Well, you can't
get away from it.

It wasn't until frank
left and I was on my own

That I realized that my fear

Was far worse than anything

That could possibly
happen to me.

Like frank coming back.

What if patty won't
go out with me?

Andy, even I don't get
what I want all the time.

Okay, here goes.

Patty?

Hi, this is, uh... Um...
[Whispers] andy.

What?

Your name.

Oh, right, andy moffat.

Fine, and you?

Oh, yeah, that algebra test

Is gonna be a bear.

Well, say, why don't
we study together?

Great.

Well, I'll see you
tonight around 7:00?

All right. Bye-bye.

Ha ha!

[Humming]

Wasn't he wonderful?

Oh!

I'm gonna do it, too.

I think patty
already has a date.

No, I'm gonna make the jump.

Natalie, did you run
the obstacle course

Without your helmet?

Give me one good reason
why I shouldn't jump.

Does the word "splat"
mean anything to you?

What beverly ann said about
fear was right on target.

But I didn't mean it for you.

Oh! This always happens to me

When I make sense.

Beverly ann, I'm trained for it.

And besides, all my life

I've wanted to be a writer.

I've done everything else,

From slopping tacos
to scaling smelt.

Why shouldn't I
commit to the one thing

That's gonna make me a writer?

Well, natalie,
that's a fine attitude.

And after the jump tomorrow,

I want to be the first
to shake your hand...

If we can find it.

Thank you, little
tootie sunshine.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I've got to get
over to st. Anthony's

And light a candle.

But, natalie, aren't you jewish?

I'm stopping there next.

[Ride of the valkyries playing]

We will be circling the
jump site in 50 seconds,

So double-check your equipment,

Relax, and I'll see the
survivors on the bus.

She's a barrel of laughs, huh?

Okay, jody, be mad at me,

But, come on, double-check.

I'm too scared to be mad at you.

What?

I can't jump.

I just can't do it.

Of course you can.

No one on this plane is
as qualified as you are,

And you know it.

All I know is that I
am just plain terrified.

Of course you are. You're human.

No, you don't understand.

In my family,

I'm not allowed
to feel this way.

My father expects
me to do my job,

Complete my mission.

I'm a soldier.

Jody, don't do it
for your father.

Do it for yourself.

All right, this is it! Hook up!

[m*llitary music plays]

Go!

Go!

Go!

Go!

Go!

Go!

Fletcher, hi!

How are ya?

Would you mind
stepping over here

And exiting this aircraft?

You came up here to
jump, and you can do it.

You can.

I don't know.

I do, and I'm your friend.

So go ahead.

Make yourself proud of you.

Thanks.

Go!

Come on, green.

Next stop, ladies'
lingerie. And go!

What are you waiting
for, green, a better view?

Could we discuss this?

No!

Ha ha! This may come
as a surprise to you,

But, uh, I'm having
second thoughts.

You see, uh, over
here, we have logic.

Logic has a lot of
good things going for it.

The problem is, over
here, we have fear.

And although logically
I know I could jump,

Over here we still have fear.

I'm over here.

I take it then that
you don't want to jump.

Right.

You see, I have a
friend who told me

I'd never have to do
anything I don't want to do.

Your friend was right.
Say hello to her for me.

Aaaaaaaah! Go!

Natalie: I did it! I did it!

And this is, without a doubt,

The stupidest thing
I've ever done in my life.

[♪♪♪]
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