09x07 - The More the Marrier

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Facts of Life". Aired: August 24, 1979 - May 7, 1988.*
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Spin-off of Diff'rent Strokes; focuses on Edna as she becomes a housemother at the fictional Eastland School, an all-girls boarding school.
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09x07 - The More the Marrier

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ You take the good
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin'
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

Well, pip is on her
way to washington.

Why didn't they have
great field trips like that

When we were in eastland?

Never mind that.

Why don't they go someplace
important like fort knox?

Here it is... Snake's route.

We planned it together
so he'd be back in time

For winter carnival weekend.

See, he's driving his big rig

From san bernardino
to salt lake.

Then he hops onto
80 and takes that

All the way to the big apple.

Then it's home to mama.

Hey, natalie, bad news.

I just heard on the
radio that the midwest

Got hit by its worst
blizzard of the year.

I knew it. I begged him to
take the southern route.

You know, this never
would've happened

If he hadn't given up that
dream job laying hot tar.

Here we go again. More excuses.

Natalie, if you're ashamed
to introduce the man to us,

Why don't you just say so?

Blair, did it ever occur to you

That maybe you're the one
she's ashamed to introduce?

Don't worry. Snake promised

He'd be here for
winter carnival.

It's gonna take more
than a blizzard to stop him.

I've heard about the
langley winter carnival.

People party till they
drop and then just lie there...

A mass of useless human flesh.

Can I go?

Andy... This is only
for college students.

You'll have plenty of
time to sauté your brain

When you get older.

Yeah, but you're going
to that pajama party

At the alpha house.

Oliver is their faculty advisor.

The last time they had a
pajama party without one,

Eight students awoke the
next morning in philadelphia,

And nobody knew
how they got there.

Sounds like my kind of crowd!

Yeah! [Chuckles]

Then after the game,
the dean was on the roof,

And his underwear
was on the flagpole.

See, but those
were the wild days.

Alpha house is a
lot tamer today.

Oh, what a shame.

Hi, guys. You remember matt.

Hi. Hi.

Hey, thanks for the ride home.

Hey, anytime.

Say, are you doing anything
for winter carnival?

I'm sorry, I already
have a date.

Oh. Too bad.

How about next weekend?

I can't.

I'm sort of seeing somebody.

Oh. Well, you tell him
he's a lucky guy, ok?

Thanks! [Giggles]

I'll see you in
class. Ok. Bye-bye.

Tootie, tootie, tootie.

[Sighs]

Have you learned
absolutely nothing from me?

Knowing where to buy hair bleach

Doesn't apply here, blair.

[Chuckles]

How could you let that poor boy

Walk out of here without even

A glimmer of hope
to string him along?

Blair, you know jeff is
coming up this weekend,

And I can't wait to see him!

Is he coming next week, too?

No, but we're... Involved.

Well, there's "involved,"

And then there's involved.

And then there's making sense,

Which you're not.

How involved can
tootie and jeff be?

They hardly ever see each other.

Tootie, you can't put all
your dating eggs in one basket.

That is why I have three
dates for winter carnival.

When it comes time
to go, I'll pick a dress

And see which guy
goes best with it.

Blair, I'm not like you.

I can't date more
than one guy at a time.

Jeff is very important to me.

I haven't seen him in weeks,

And I don't want to
think about anyone else.

Ok, don't listen to me.

Fine.

It was a figure of speech!

Hi, I'm looking for snake.

He always eats there
when he's passing through.

What do you mean, "snake who"?

How many snakes
do you have there?

Really?

Well, I'm looking
for snake robinson.

Well, when he does get there,

Will you please
tell him to reroute

From the interstate
to the 2-lane?

And remind him
to wear his scarf.

No, this is not his mother.

Thanks. Bye.

Hey, nat, you know,

I'm available for
the winter carnival.

And you still are.
Snake's gonna make it.

Oh, jo, great news. I'm
free for the carnival.

Turned him down,
huh? You got it.

You know, andy, if
casey didn't have me

Doing some work for the center,

I probably would have come
up with some other excuse.

Relax, tootie. It's not
the end of the world.

Maybe not, but it's an
incredible simulation.

What's the matter?

I just got off the
phone with jeff.

He's canceling our
date for this weekend.

Something more
important has come up.

Some reception for a
famous marine biologist.

Why don't you just come down
to the center friday night?

You, me, and casey
will all hang out.

Hey, now there's a combo.

The unloved, the
untamed, and the unwashed.

Tootie, I'd be happy
to offer my services.

I can be a dancing fool.

Thanks, andy, but I don't
feel like going without jeff.

[Chuckles] all right.

Right there is just
the wrong attitude.

It's too bad that
jeff can't come,

But why can't you have fun?

Right!

You think I should
go without jeff?

Yes, I do. Right.

And who should I go with?

Matt. Right... Wrong!

I didn't say I was
going with matt.

Ok, let me know, but
don't wait too long.

I'm begging a lot of women.

Tootie, you can either choose

Success and
popularity... I.e., Me...

Of the life of a social outcast.

We don't need to name names.

Blair, I think you should
just stay out of this.

This is between tootie and jeff.

Possibly andy, but
it's too soon to tell.

Look, this is the price of a
long-distance relationship,

But jeff is worth it.

Then ask yourself this
one crucial question...

Did you and jeff

Ever commit to dating
each other exclusively?

No.

Then you must
admit I have a point.

They have hats
that will cover that.

Look, jeff is going to a party.

Why can't you have fun, too?

I don't know if jeff
will understand.

I do. He won't.

That's why we're
not gonna tell him.

Look, sometimes men
understand things better

If we don't tell them things

They may have
difficulty understanding,

If you catch my drift.

It just doesn't
seem right to me.

Fine. All right.

If you're worried
about telling jeff,

Then don't go out
with matt at all.

Just stay home,
and maybe jeff will

Call you when he gets
home from his party.

And if not, well, hey,

It's just one wasted evening

Out of your precious
fleeting youth.

I'm calling matt.

How do I do it?

Ok, blair.

I know you've been juggling
a lot of dates lately,

But how would you like to go
to the carnival with a real man?

Honestly, andy...

If you weren't short
six inches, eight years,

And $10 million, I'd
seriously consider it.

Ok, blair, but in the
not too distant future

When gravity takes over,
don't come running to me.

Hey. Hi, blair.

Casey, what a nice surprise.

You know, I was just going
over the center's books.

There's only word to
describe our financial condition:

Blecch.

It's a technical term

They taught her in law school.

Yeah, well, that's
one of the drawbacks

In running a non-profit
organization, blair...

Not very profitable.

Precisely.

But I think I've put my
finger on the problem...

Too many needy people.

You know, blair,
they had to come to us

Because they kept
getting thrown out

Of the tennis club.

All I'm saying is the
warner foundation

Does not throw money
into a bottomless pit.

We have a budget,
so let's stick to it.

Remember last month
we had that cold spell,

And the center was
packed with people

Who were freezing
out on the streets?

What happened?

My furnace breaks down.
A thousand bucks to fix it.

Now, am I supposed
to save a little money

And let them freeze to death?

No...

Well, then don't talk
to me about budgets.

Ok, but we still have
to make up a big deficit.

Well, can't you write
a check or something?

Do you think I'm made of money?

Well, all right.

But I have an idea.

Why don't we try to
raise it tomorrow night

At the alumni dinner?

There'll be a lot of
wealthy people there.

Well, good luck.

We'll need it.
Pick me up at 7:00.

Wait a second! I'm not going.

Oh, yes, you are.

They'll naturally
want to meet the person

Who runs the
center, god help us.

Uh-uh. No way. Forget it.

I don't mix well with yuppies.

You don't mix well with
anything that walks upright,

But you're still going.

Look, blair... A
room full of people

With sweaters tied
over their shoulders

Saying "fabulous"
makes me nervous.

Believe me, they'll all
be wearing formal attire.

Formal?

You mean like a tie?

Casey, it's not
as if I'm asking you

To hedgeclip your hair.

Go rent a tux!

Come on, case, pretend
she's somebody likable.

It's for the center.

[Sighs] ok, ok.

I'll see you tomorrow night.

Fabulous. Be here at 7:00 sharp.

I work late. I'll
meet you there.

I swear, I have
never met someone

Who irritates me so much.

Other than you.

I knew there was
something I liked about him.

What's the big deal about
dropping a couple tons of salt?

That road should've
been cleared by now.

What do you mean it's time
for your coffee break?

Here, nat, let me handle this.

Gotta deal with government
workers all the time.

All right, listen,
birdbrain... Hello?

Hello?

They'll do it.

Ooh, you guys! All right!

Told you you
looked great, tootie.

Oh, I don't feel
great. I feel nervous.

I'm not good at these things.

What if I accidentally
call him jeff?

I know. I won't
call him by name.

[Doorbell rings]

Well, there's "hey, you" now!

All right. Here goes.

Tootie! [Chuckles]

♪ No no no no ♪

A man must be kept waiting.

A little anxiety does wonders.

Keeps 'em on their toes.

Blair's dates haven't
been on the balls

Of their feet for years.

Trust me, tootie,

You're going to have a
wonderful time with...

Jeff!

Jeff?

Surprise! I made it!

I was gonna call first,

But then I knew how
much you love surprises!

Aren't you just glad to see me?

Glad?

Why... She's beyond glad!

She's... Really glad!

Yes. Really glad.

So, jeff, uh...

Gosh, I thought
you couldn't make it.

What went wrong?

I mean, uh, why are you here?

Well, it suddenly hit me.

You know, I'll have
plenty of chances

To meet important
marine biologists.

But how many chances will I get

To go to winter
carnival with my tootie?

Ha ha ha.

Ohh.

Wait a minute.

Now why are you
already dressed up?

[Stammers]

This old thing? [Laughs]

Uh?

Uh, you know... That is just...

That is so really very simple,

And I'm sure you're
just gonna understand

As soon as blair
explains it to you.

Well, uh, yeah, ok...
[Laughs nervously]

All right.

The truth is...

Tootie didn't think
you were gonna make it.

I said you would.

I told her to get
dressed up anyway

And have faith.

So why don't you two kids
run along and have some fun!

[Doorbell rings]

But not until you first tell me

Everything you've
been up to lately!

Shouldn't somebody
answer the door?

They're probably gone by now.

[Doorbell rings]

They're back.

If nobody's gonna
answer the door...

Hello, matt! Hi, how are you?

Tootie, matt's here.

And so is jeff!

[Laughing] well... Good!

Ha ha ha ha!

Then both our dates are here!

Darling, let me introduce
you to everyone.

You know tootie,

And this is jeff, her boyfriend.

And this is jo and beverly ann.

[Nervously] ah, ha ha.

Jeff, heh ha.

It's good to meet you, jeff.

I heard a lot about
you from, uh...

Yeah. Um... Uh... Blair.

Blair! Ha ha ha!

[Doorbell rings]

Does anyone here know anybody

Who's not already in this room?

Oh, casey!

Casey?

All right, all right.
No wisecracks.

I finished up early so
I came to pick you up.

So let's go, blair.

She's dating two guys?

[Chuckles]

Oh, gosh, is he a
crackup or what?

[Laughs]

Yeah, that's why I love him so.

Excuse me?

Well, matt, we'd better
be running along.

Good idea.

[Clears throat] you know...

We should probably
get going, too, honey.

Ha ha ha!

Honey?

Ha!

We call each other that.

I let a guy measure
my inseam for this?

Well, i, uh, believe

I have a turkey in the oven,

And if I don't, I'll put one in.

Well, ha ha!

Shall we be going?

Matt was your date, wasn't he?

Of course not!

He was...

Yeah, he was.

How could you do this to me?

I didn't do anything to you!

It's just that
you're so far away,

And you said you weren't coming!

And you didn't
think I'd catch you?

Oh, when the cat's away,

The mice will play.

In the first place,
the cat's never here!

And in the second place,
this isn't the only time

You've canceled plans with me!

Well, what about the time
you couldn't come see me

'Cause you got
some part in a play?

I understood!

I didn't go run
off with the first

Good-looking guy who came along!

I was not running off with matt.

It was a friendly date!

Oh, well, I wouldn't
want to stand in the way

Of any more of
your friendly dates.

Well, then, maybe next
time you won't cancel!

Hey, don't worry.

There won't be a next time!

Jeff, wait a minute!

All I can say is it's not easy

Waiting around for
a truck-driving man.

You trying to tell us something,

Or have you suddenly
been possessed

By hank williams?

There was a rock slide in utica,

So snake won't be able
to make it till sunday.

I told him to take
the southern route!

Not that it's any consolation,

But I just made a
sandwich if you'd like it.

Aren't you gonna eat it?

No, I'll make
myself another one.

Oh, good. Happy people.

Tootie, quit kicking yourself

Over what happened with jeff.

[Sighs] I know.

It's just that he's been
part of my life for so long

I don't know what I'm
gonna do without him.

Beverly: you know, tootie,

You've had an argument
with someone you love.

It's bound to hurt.

Yeah, it does.

That sandwich looks good.

Here, take it. I'll make
myself another one.

Men. If we just had the guts

To k*ll spiders in the bathtub,

We wouldn't need 'em at all.

Hello, all! Hi.

Blair, how did your evening go?

Oh, we raised
quite a bit of money.

Casey actually
has a lot of charm

For a man who only
recently learned

How to eat chicken
without using his feet.

It's a shame tootie's evening

Didn't turn out as well.

She and jeff had a fight.

I'm sorry, tootie.

Oh, it's ok.

I'm the one that decided
to go out with matt.

It's really not your fault.

I know that. I was
just being polite.

Boy, that sandwich looks great.

Here, take it.

Isn't this yours?

No, I don't much
care for buzzard.

[Diesel horn honking]

What kind of jerk would
be leaning on his horn

This hour of the night?

Snake!

I don't believe it.

We're actually gonna get to meet

The infamous snake face to fang.

Oh.

Beverly ann: ohh!

Oh, hi!

Dear lord, it's
the missing link.

You weren't expecting me, huh?

No, no, no, no.

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Oh, no.

We just thought you'd
pick a more normal time

To evolve... I mean, arrive.

Uh, gosh, you know,

Nat has told us
so much about you!

She's one in a million.

Oh, so are you.

Huh, thank you.

Oh.

You know, uh, with
a name like snake,

W-we didn't know what to expect.

Yeah, I know. Most people think

A guy with a name like
snake's gonna look weird!

Yeah! But it's not true.

No, of course not!

Oh, well.

Actually, he looks
pretty normal.

You're not snake?

No, I'm his driving
partner wendell.

Why didn't you
call me and tell me

You were taking
the southern route?

Everybody... This is snake.

Hi! Oh!

Snake, uh, this is...

Wait, wait, let me
see if I can guess

Based on what you
told me already.

Start with the, uh,

The most obvious one first.

You must be tootie.

Nice to meet ya.
Nice to meet you.

And this radiant
beauty must be blair.

Oh!

Keep this one, natalie!

It's a pleasure to
meet you, beverly ann.

Oh, well, thank you.

Of course, you
are the real blair.

And you are... The
real jo. How are ya?

Could i, uh...

Could I use your powder room?

What for?

Sure! Follow me!

Hi, nat!

Hi, wendell.

Well, uh...

I'll just leave you two
love reptiles alone.

Good night, you guys.

You look great together.

Yeah.

Yeah.

[Chuckles]

Ha ha.

Eeh hee.

I really missed you
while you were gone.

Yeah?

I missed you, too.

You're going to the alpha house

Dressed like that?

The invitation said, "wear
what you wear to bed,"

So I am. Serves
those frat boys right.

Well, andy,

How would you like
to go to a pajama party?

Oh, yeah, I would
eat glass to go!

With me.

But... The science
fair is monday...

And I have to stuff
an owl tonight.

Darn, darn, darn.

Well, no, that's admirable.

I'm sure laurie will understand.

Laurie?

Oliver's 14-year-old niece.

What time do we leave?

20 Minutes. Go get
a pair of pajamas.

I'll get a lot of safety pins.

Stop! Don't say that.

Tootie, why don't
you come with us?

Snake said this
concert's really good.

What's their name again?

The bilden sydon string quartet.

It's my second favorite group

After the regurgitators.

Oh, thank you,

But I'm... I'm in for the night.

Sure? Yeah, but you
guys have a good time.

Ok. Bye!

Bye. Bye.

Oh, hi, matt. Snake, matt.

Hi, snake.

Hi, matt.

Hi, tootie, can I talk
to you for a second?

Yeah, sure.

Whoo.

Oh, let me guess.

You're going to the
alpha pajama party.

Yeah.

Hey, I hope I didn't
mess things up

Between you and jeff.

Oh, no. No.

It's not your fault.

Well, look, hey.

You don't want to be at home

While the whole
world's out partying.

Why don't you get undressed

And spend the night with me.

I don't mean
undressed... Ha ha ha!

No, I'm not up to it.

Ok.

But I will have a drink
with you before you go.

Do you take your cocoa
straight or with marshmallows?

With marshmallows,

But don't tell the
guys at the fraternity.

[Laughs] ok.

[Doorbell rings]

Uh, can you put some water on?

I'll get this.

Hi, tootie.

Hi.

You know, um... I've
been out all day...

Walking... Thinking...

And you know what?

Something's gone
wrong between us.

It took you all day
to come up with that?

Well, it took me a while

To get over seeing
you with that other guy.

Jeff, I don't have an excuse.

Just a reason.

I'm tired of being halfway
down your priority list.

Well, you're not!
You never have been!

The way you've been
canceling dates on me,

I've been wondering how
much you really want to see me!

Well, I thought I proved
that to you last night,

Only it looked as though
you didn't want to see me!

I give up. This is impossible!

You're darn right it is!

Oh, really? Well,
then, maybe we should

Call the whole thing
off and just be friends!

I don't want to be friends!

Then what do you want?

I want you to marry me!

Really?

Marry you?

Now, I gotta warn you.

This is gonna mean you
can't see other guys.

[Sighs]

You drive a hard bargain.

I hope this is yes.

Yes.

Yes, yes, yes!

Jeff... There's an
explanation for this.

For what?

I didn't see any guy in pajamas.

[♪♪♪]
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