09x15 - A House Divided

[bunniefuu]

♪ You take the good
you take the bad ♪

♪ You take 'em both
and there you have ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ There's a time you
gotta go and show ♪

♪ You're growin'
now you know about ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ The facts of life ♪

♪ When the world never seems ♪

♪ To be livin' up
to your dreams ♪

♪ And suddenly
you're findin' out ♪

♪ The facts of life
are all about you ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ All about you ♪

♪ It takes a lot
to get 'em right ♪

♪ When you're learnin'
the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

♪ Learnin' the facts of life ♪

Okay, the deviled eggs are done.

Why do they call
them deviled eggs?

Because they're a
hell of a lot of work.

I bet it's fun cooking
dinner for your boyfriends.

I can't believe

That this is the first chance

The four of us have
really had to get together.

Jeff and snake are never in town

At the same time.

Do you think
they're the same guy?

Mmm, chocolate fudge cake.

Mmm, touch it and die.

Okay, we've settled
on appetizers

And desserts. What's missing?

Everything in between.

How about something exotic?

Pippa, what do you like

To eat in australia?

Well, I like a nice,
hot toad in the hole.

It doesn't matter what we serve.

It's gonna be wonderful.

The four of us, having
dinner together,

Going on vacations together,

Living next door to each other,

Our children playing
with each other.

Hold on, tootie. Snake and I

Aren't necessarily
gonna get married.

Then I'm not letting
my kids play with yours.

Hey, blair tells me
jeff has box seats

For the springsteen
concert tomorrow.

What time do we leave?

Sorry, andy,

But jeff only
has four tickets...

For him, me, natalie and snake.

Well, with you
guys cooking dinner,

There's a good chance
someone's gonna need

To get his stomach
pumped and I can go.

No, no. Everything is
going to be perfect,

As long as everyone...
Read my lips...

Stays out of the living room.

Except for me.

I'm serving the dinner.

Okay, but if anybody
changes their mind,

Let me know.

I'll, uh, sign over my
allowance for life

And wash your
car... With my tongue.

Hi, jo. How's your cold?

Back off, blair.

I'm even less in the
mood for you than usual.

Grumpy, grumpy.

Come tell mommy where it hurts.

I gave this guy 200
bucks to fix my bike,

And it's still running lousy.

So take it back to him.

I did that, and he
tells me it's just cold

And to ride it for awhile.

So I did that, too,
and it's still no better.

Now I gotta go back
and hassle with the guy.

Well, there's really
only one thing you can do...

Blair, could you
please just keep

Your opinion to yourself.

You know, you don't
always know everything.

Oh, all right. What?

I'm not tellin'.

Fine.

I was just gonna say... What?

Okay, if you insist.

I was simply going to suggest

That you stop
payment on the check.

That way, the guy has no choice

But fix your bike properly.

Stop payment on the check?

You don't think I've
already done that?

Any idiot would have done that

Right off the bat.

Fine, just trying to help.

Any idiot would have done that

Right off the bat.

Uh, yeah, how do I stop
payment on a check?

Well, there's one of our guys.

Hi, snake. Hiya, tootie.

Let me take your jacket for you.

Sure.

Natalie: hi. Hi, nat.

Natalie: how are
you? I'm all right.

Good.

Say, you guys both
look really nice.

Oh, thank you. So do you.

I love it when you
get all dressed up.

Hi, sweetheart. Hi, sweetheart.

Oh, jeff, thank you.

You're welcome.

Hi, natalie. Hi, snake.

Hey. Yeah, hi.

Jeff, these flowers
are beautiful.

That's what guys do when
they come to dinner, right?

Well, why don't we all sit down?

Hey, who are your new neighbors?

What new neighbors?

I just noticed that
ratty old convertible

Out in front of their house.

That's my ratty old convertible.

Hey, that's a classic, right?

No, just an old car.

Why don't we talk
about something else?

Oh, did you see that
jets game, snake?

No. Football's
too violent for me.

What are you talking about?

It's a great game.

Game?

You call a business where guys

Bash each other's heads in

To make money for their
millionaire bosses a game?

Pippa!

Good day, you blokes.

Hi, pippa! Hey,
how you doin' kid?

All right! Cheese puffs!

Sorry I'm late. But
they fell on the floor.

Not all of them. Just
the ones on this side.

Just leave the tray, dear.

Thank you.

Apple cider coming right up.

So, jeff, how's it
going with school?

You're at penn, right?
Or is it the other one?

Penn state, the other one.

Where's that cider?

So, snake, what
school did you go to?

High.

High?

High school

Well, college
isn't for everybody.

I agree.

Oh, did you hear
that? They agree.

Yeah, take me.

I didn't feel the need to
hide out for four years

Before I faced the real world.

Pippa! Right now, pippa!

Good evening,
folks. My name's andy,

And I'll be serving you tonight.

What are you doing here?

I'm just helping out.

Oh, speaking of helping out,

Is there any way one of you guys

Could get an extra ticket
to that concert tomorrow?

Oh, sorry, andy. No can do.

Maybe next time.

Well, you can't fault
a guy for trying.

Yes, we can. Out!

It's so hard getting good staff.

Blair?

I'm not here.

Don't look at me.
Don't speak to me,

Don't even think about me.

I realize that
could be difficult.

Hello, gentlemen.

Both: hi, blair.

I thought we asked you...

I'm sorry, natalie.

I forgot my books.

Why am I apologizing?

I'm not here.

Yo, could you not be
here a little faster?

Jo, it's for you!

Oh, well, well, well.

If it isn't mr. Badwrench.

You stopped payment on my check.

You didn't earn your money.

Look, you guys.

We really appreciate
the entertainment,

But do you think you could

Hold round 2 in the kitchen?

Thank you.

This way. Thieves first.

Now don't start with me.

What was that all about?

Jo got ripped off by that guy.

He was supposed to fix
her bike, and he didn't.

I know how she feels.

You know, they ought to just

Give every mechanic
a mask and a g*n

So they can rob us
the minute we walk in.

Save a lot of time.

Now, hold on.

I got a lot of friends
who are mechanics,

And, uh, most of them
are just working stiffs

Trying to do their
best at a tough job,

Which anybody with half
a brain should realize.

And what's that
supposed to mean?

Glass... Did you know

That glass is the world's
oldest synthetic material?

You don't say.

You know, if you'd
quit trying to cover up

For your rip-off buddies,

You'd realize that these
nuts-and-bolts guys

Charge us a fortune
and do nothing.

Well, I'm sure
there's some jerks,

But I bet there are jerks

In your line of work, too,

If you were working.

We really should
entertain more often.

It's very simple.

You fix it, I pay for it.

She's in the right.

The law very clearly states that

In any two-party
contract... Uh, blair,

What?

I'll handle this.

Lady, I did the job

To the best of my ability.

That must be a depressing
thought for you.

Come on, that
heap you call a bike

Didn't run when it was new.

Cheese puff?

Oh, don't mind if I do.

It's got a weird taste.

Uh... Reminds me
of... Floor wax?

Yeah, I kinda like it.

In every transaction,

The party of the second part

Must be satisfied
with value received

From the party
of the first part.

Who is this dame?

An ignorant bystander.

Thank you, I'm sorry.
I was in the loo.

They must be starving out there.

We'll keep 'em waiting.

They'll think they're
in a french restaurant.

Look, my time's valuable.
What are you gonna do?

I'll tell you what my
client is going to do.

She is going to
take her motorcycle

To another mechanic to repair.

We don't have to deal

With incompetents like you.

Blair, would you butt out, huh?

Either she pays, or
I take her to court.

We welcome that.

You got it.

Are you happy now, counselor?

You think it was rude
not to invite him to dinner?

Jo, this is the very reason

I chose to become a lawyer.

To help the downtrodden,

The poor, the unfortunate.

People just like you.

Blair, let me try
and explain this

In legal terms.

Stick a sock in it.

How's it going out there?

Oh, beaut!

I think jeff's trying to get
snake interested in nature.

He just asked him

If he'd like to go take a hike.

All you big-word college
squids sound alike.

You think you know everything

There is to know about life

Because you read a book
on it between frat parties.

Have you ever
read a book at all?

I mean, other than
the kind with pictures

Where people wear capes and fly.

Oh, jeff is always joking.

I'm not joking.

The man's an
intellectual munchkin.

I gotta get out of here.

I gotta get out of here

Before I forget where I am.

Oh, and what happens then?

Come on, you two.

Yeah. Come on, this
evening just got off

To a really bad start.

Well, it was fine
up until he got here.

Look, I'm sorry about dinner.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Bye, tootie.

Where do you think you're going?

I gotta go cool off.

You're having dinn...

Somebody is having dinner!

Look, I'm sorry, but
I'm not very hungry.

Look, I'll pick you up
tomorrow for the concert.

Bye, natalie.

I was so sure they
were gonna hit it off.

Nat, I'm gonna be with jeff

For the rest of my life.

What are we gonna do?

Well, this should be a
double date to remember.

I'm all set.

I have my binoculars
for the concert

And a whip and chair
for jeff and snake.

I just wish snake
hadn't made that remark

About college guys.

Snake?

What about what jeff said

About mechanics being crooks?

He was just stating
an educated opinion.

Oh, I understand.

He's your boyfriend,

And you have to
stick up for him,

Even though he's wrong.

I'll get it.

It's probably snake.

He's always on time.

Jeff, you're early.

Hi, nat. Hi.

Hi, baby. Natalie:
hi, sweetheart.

Hey, listen, I'm sorry

About messing up your dinner,

But, hey, today's a new day.

I'm gonna put everything
that happened last night

Behind me and
have a terrific time.

Great. The weasel's here.

Don't call my snake a weasel.

How's it going, honey?

Fine so far.

Hi, tootie.

Jeff... Nice jacket.

Thanks.

Really sets off your earring.

Look, jeff.

You and I don't have
to go to the concert.

But springsteen is all you've
talked about for months.

Why should we let
some jerk ruin our plans?

My sentiments exactly.

There's a new movie out
I've been dying to see...

Once upon a m*rder...

That would be a lot more fun.

All right. Fine.

You go to the movies,

And we'll go to the concert.

Hi. G'day.

Andy, pippa.

You know, this
is your lucky day.

Guess what? You get
to go to the concert

With natalie and
what's-his-name.

Oh, hey, that's great.

Oh, ripper.

Hey, wait a minute.
We're not going

To the concert with these...

Not that we wouldn't
love to have you.

Here are my tickets.

I can do whatever
I want with them.

Well, I got a suggestion for ya.

Come on, jeff, let's
not even dignify that

With a response.

Besides, I can't think of one.

Here you go, andy.

Hey, thanks a lot.

Let's go tell beverly
ann we're leaving.

They don't sound like they
want us to go with them.

Who cares?

Have fun.

Hey, you guys are gonna
love once upon a m*rder.

You know, right up
until the very last minute,

I never suspected
that the defense lawyer

Was the k*ller.

Good morning, jo.

Today's your big
day in court, huh?

I'm afraid so.

Jo, relax.

Every time my
parents try a case,

They always tell the client

To trust in the system.

Thanks, tootie. Eat
your sugar krinkles.

You know, snake says too
much sugar will k*ll you.

Well, did you hear that, jo?

Dr. Snake answers all
your health questions.

Could I have the
milk back, please?

Of course.

Is this what you two are
gonna do all weekend...

Hang around the house
and snipe at each other?

No, jeff is coming in to town.

What do you mean?
Snake is coming in to town.

One of you could always move.

Funny.

No. I've got an idea.

Jeff can pick me up here,

And you can meet snake

At whatever
restaurant will let him in.

Oh, I have a better idea.

Why doesn't snake meet me here,

And you can meet jeff
at la petit obnoxious.

I've got the best idea of all.

Why don't the two
of you shut up?

All right.

I guess the only fair thing

Is for us to meet the guys

At different restaurants.

I'll meet jeff at
the hudson grill.

And I'll change my
reservations there

And meet snake someplace else.

Well, fine.

Good morning.

Hi, beverly ann.
Bye, beverly ann.

Oh, dear, I hope
they survive this.

I hope we do.

Well, jo.

This is your big
day in court, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

Oh, I don't envy you, jo.

I went to court once to fight

A simple traffic ticket.

I explained it all to
the judge so carefully.

The tractor, the
pothole, the chickens.

Did you know that chickens

Have the right of way
on a country road?

Good morning.

Are we ready for
our big day in court?

It's not a big day in court.

It's a day, and
it's not our day,

It's my day, and, no,
I'm not ready for it.

Which is exactly why we're
going to have a dry run.

Every good lawyer rehearses
their client before a trial.

Blair, you are not my lawyer.

I really wish you hadn't
gotten me into this.

Jo, do you think
you're the first person

He's done this to?

And if you don't stand
up to him in court,

You won't be the last.

Now, beverly ann, you
just sit right there.

I want you to be the judge.

Blair, I don't need to rehearse.

All I have to do is walk

Into the courtroom
and tell the truth.

Dear, simple jo.

You are so lucky to have me.

Now, I'll be ralph the mechanic,

And you just be yourself.

I'll show you how.

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!

Hear ye.

Court will now hear
the case of ralph,

The low-life mechanic,
against jo polniaczek,

The wonderful human being.

Mr. Mechanic?

Yeah, well thanks, your honor.

I am certain to lay a complaint

Against this woman right here,

Who paid me absolutely nothing

For labor on that hunk of junk

She calls a motor bike.

Wait a minute.

Ah-ah, no matter
what he says to you,

You just smile.

Never mind. Don't smile.

So then she stops
payment on the check,

And she says I
didn't do the work,

Which is an out and out lie,
for which god will get her!

Objection.

Overruled.

Overruled?

All right, sustained.

Sustained? Case dismissed.

Court will take a
five-minute recess...

While somebody
answers the front door.

Hi, is, uh, polniaczek in?

Jo, it's the plaintiff.

Come on in.

Here for a little,
uh, last-minute,

Out-of-court
settlement, perhaps?

Maybe.

I knew it.

What do you want, ralph?

Look, since you're obviously
gonna lose this case,

I'm willing to be a nice guy

And forget about the
whole thing for 100 bucks,

And I'll even fix your bike.

Forget it.

Well, hold it, jo.

Excuse me while I
confer with my client.

Are you out of your mind?

You'll get your bike
fixed for half price.

What about going to court
and doing the right thing?

What about, uh, protecting
all those other people

He might rip off?

Let 'em take the bus.
We're saving 100 bucks!

So what do you say?
Are you gonna do

The smart thing for a
change, sweetheart?

No way, pal.

I'll see you in court.

You bet you will.

Oh, you're still here.

Obviously.

That's a very nice dress.

Well, thank you.
It's jeff's favorite.

No wonder. It
looks great on you.

Every single time you wear it.

Year after year.

I'll get it.

No, no, no.

I'll get it.

Hi. Hi.

Hi, natalie.

Hi, jeff.

Tootie, may I speak to
you, please, privately?

Uh, I'll just go in and
get something to drink.

Tootie: help yourself.

You specifically said
you were gonna meet jeff

At the restaurant.

Yes, but then I thought it over

And said "why shouldn't
my fiance be able

To come over to my
house whenever he wants?"

That's why.

Hi. Hi.

Come on in. Make
yourself at home.

Hi, tootie.

Hi, snake.

Could you excuse us, please?

Natalie and I were right in
the middle of a discussion.

Yeah, sure, I'll just go

In the kitchen and get a drink.

No, no, no, the kitchen's taken.

Try the bathroom.

You stay right here.

How dare you send my
boyfriend to the bathroom.

Well, I wouldn't have
had to if you had met him

At the restaurant
in the first place.

Oh! Oh, so you're saying

It's okay for jeff to come here,

But not snake?

Yes. Jeff and I are engaged.

You and snake are
sneaking around.

Snake... Sneaking around?

Hey, what's going on here?

A lot of rude lip.

That's what's going on here.

Did you start this?

No, but I'm gonna finish it

If you don't butt out.

Don't you go talking
to him like that.

Don't you go talking
to him like that.

Hey, come on, tootie.

We don't have to stand
here and take this.

Neither do we.

Never mind, we will
be the gracious ones

And go the other way.

I forgot my purse.

I forgot my coat.

What are we doing?

Why are we fighting?

I don't know.

We've never fought
like this before.

Yes, we have.

It's never been over
the men in our lives.

Natalie...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Snake! Jeff!

Look...

You guys may not be
crazy about each other,

And we shouldn't have
expected you to be,

But natalie and I
are best friends.

The fact that the guys
we love don't get along

Isn't gonna change that.

We're not saying that you guys

Have to be friends
just because we are,

But it would be nice

If you could at least be civil.

I guess I can handle that.

Okay by me.

Champagne for everybody!

Jo, you won?

The judge says I was
totally within my rights

And I didn't have to pay
the guy the 200 bucks.

It's like I said,

"Going to court is
the only answer."

What's this?

My bill for legal advice.

$500?

Good legal help is hard to find.

So is good medical help.

This one's on me.

That's fine for jo, but, I mean,

What about that poor mechanic?

See, the blue-collar
guy gets shafted again.

Don't start.