08x05 - Willis Goes to College

[bunniefuu]

♪ Now, the world don't move
to the b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you, may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got,
Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot ♪

♪ So what ♪

♪ They'll have theirs,
you'll have yours ♪

♪ And I'll have mine ♪

♪ And together we'll be fine ♪

♪ 'Cause it takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Yes it does ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Bula bula, bula bula ♪

♪ Bula bula, bula bula ♪

- Thanks, Dad, I'll
wear it if I get the urge

to make a fool of myself.

(audience laughing)

- Just think, tomorrow
my oldest son

will become a college man.

- Yeah.

- That sure brings back
memories of my salad days.

- You know, this
is crazy, Willis.

I don't know why I'm nervous.

You're the one who
should be nervous.

- Oh, I sure am, I'm a wreck!

I mean, if Sam can't
find my tennis racket,

I don't know what I'm gonna do!

They don't make
that model anymore.

- I think Maggie meant nervous
about going away to college.

- Oh, that's no big deal.

Ashton's only two hours away.

Basketball camp
was twice as far.

- Yes, and you cried
every night until we

came and got you.

(audience laughing)

Willis, college is not camp.

You're about to
take a very big step.

- Dad, don't worry.

I'm a man now, a man who's
ready to meet new challenges,

whose ready to seek
new experiences.

- Who forgot to
pack his underwear.

(audience laughing)

- I didn't forget.

Oh, well, I, uh, I just
thought, you know,

since I was going to
a new school that I'd

get new underwear.

Maybe some with the
Ashton mascot on it.

- Everybody wants
underwear with a weasel on it.

(audience laughing)

- Here you go, Willis.

- Hey, thanks, Sam.

- And I really
appreciate you letting

me use it last week.

- What?

You don't play tennis, Sam.

- I know, my guitar
was being fixed,

so I had to use it to practice.

Bam, bam, bam, yeow!

- Forget it, Springsteen.

(audience laughing)

I got my tennis racket
for the freshman's picnic,

my overcoat for
those football games.

Yeah, and my leather
jacket for those frat parties.

Willis Jackson, goin'
to college, superstar,

sought-after,
recruited and feared.

(audience laughing)

- Especially by teachers,
they've never had

to teach plant life before.

Willis, will you cool it?

I'm trying to study
for algebra class.

- Oh, Willis, speaking
of classes, does the word

book ring a bell?

- Oh yeah, Dad,
don't worry about it.

I have my little
black book right here.

(audience laughing)

- Willis, I'm glad that
you're so relaxed,

but, you know, you're
gonna have to work

a lot harder to get
the kind of grades

in college that you
did in high school.

You're taking on a
bigger responsibility

than has ever been
put on you before.

There won't be anybody
there to remind you

to do your homework,
to get you up so you'll

get out on time.

- Oh, stop worrying, Philip.

He's our son, and
he'll do just fine.

We're gonna miss you.

- Yeah, Willis, I've
always had you

as an example of how to be cool.

Yes, get down.

- Well, don't worry
about it, Sam,

since Arnold hit high
school, he's starting

to pick up the Jackson
family tradition, right, Arnold?

- Hmm, yeah, right.

- We're all going
to miss Willis.

Aren't we, Arnold?

- Oh sure, yeah,
hey, I'll miss you, Bro.

I'll miss the way you
hog the bathroom.

I'll miss the way
you'll snore so loud

you set off the burglar alarm.

I'll miss the way
your hair's so ugly

you make Don King look handsome.

- Keep it up, Arnold,
I'm not gonna give

you my lucky New
York Yankees cap.

- Some lucky hat,
Yogi Berra gave it to you

an hour before he was fired.

(audience laughing)

- He's gonna miss you, Willis.

He just doesn't know
how to express it.

I'm gonna miss you
too, son, but there comes

a time when every
man has to leave home

and shape his own life.

But that time doesn't
start till tomorrow,

so get to bed.

- Goodnight, Dad.
- Goodnight, Willis.

- Goodnight, Willis.

- Goodnight, Mama.

- Mwah, goodnight, sweetheart.

- [Sam] Goodnight.

- Oh Willis.
- Yes.

- Willis, honey, here's the
LaBatt's phone number.

Now, they only live about
10 minutes from Ashton,

and she's always good
for a home-cooked meal,

but don't talk
politics with him.

He'll just rave about
how today's students

are responsible for the
decay of America's moral fiber.

- I sure hope he's right.

(audience laughing)

- Moral fiber, isn't that
that new breakfast cereal?

(audience laughing)

It tastes lousy, and it's
supposed to be good for you.

- It's not a cereal,
honey, but it is supposed

to be good for you.

- Well, the
limousine's all packed,

but the chauffeur
is a little upset

because of this sign
you put on the bumper.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I guess it's
time to say goodbye.

- Hey, wait a minute.

Where's Arnold?

- I don't know.

- He said he wanted to
sleep late this morning,

so he told me to give you
this farewell letter instead.

- That's ridiculous!

I don't believe this!

- It says here I'm not
supposed to open it

until I get to school.

- Willis, you go
upstairs and don't

come down without Arnold.

He's not gonna say goodbye
to his brother with a note!

- Okay, Dad, but
you know how grumpy

he is when he wakes up.

- I'll say.

Last time I woke
him up, he stuck

string beans in my guitar.

(audience laughing)

(knocking)

- Hah!

Sorry to bother you, Arnold,

but I thought maybe
I'd give you one

more chance to say
goodbye or even tell me

you're gonna miss me.

- Now, why would I want
to do something like that?

(audience laughing)

- Just a feeling.

Or maybe you had
something else to say.

- Hey, give me that back!

- Ah, ah, ah, not so quick.

Hey, the way you've been acting,

I'm kinda curious.

Sit down.

Dear Willis, when you
were accepted at Ashton,

I thought something
was totally crazy.

I said to myself,
there's no way Willis

should be going to college.

(audience laughing)

That's a nice way
to say goodbye.

- You're the one
who wanted to read it.

- It's not that I didn't think
you were smart enough.

That's better.

It's just that I thought
by the time you

were ready to move out,
I'd be big enough to handle it.

You see, you always
taught me about growing up,

protected me and gave
me advice about girls.

And once it even worked.

(audience laughing)

But the most important
thing was, well,

you see, Willis, after
Mama and Papa d*ed,

there was nobody but you
who could remind me who I was.

No matter how fat my
handsome little head got,

you were always
there to remind me

where I came from
and that I should

always be proud to be a Jackson.

Now don't get me
wrong, Willis, I'm really

happy you're going out
and spreading the Jackson

charm on the rest of the world,

I just wish there was
some way you could

go away and still be here too.

I love you, Arnold.

(audience sighs)

(audience applauds)

That was pretty deep, Arnold.

- Yeah, yeah.

(audience laughing)

(audience applauds)

The nerve of this guy.

I caught him trying to
sneak out on the fire escape.

- Well, you know, it's
not easy to say goodbye.

- Sure it is.

You just walk up to the guy,
stick out your hand and say...

I can't say it.

(audience applauds)

- Well, then, I guess
I'm gonna have to say it.

I can't say it either.

- Well, somebody has to say it.

Goodbye, Willis.

- Oh, thanks.

(audience laughing)

Bye, Daddy.

- Son, I want you
to go out there

and have as much
fun as you possibly can.

- Hey, all right!

- And learn something
while you're doing it.

- There's always a catch.

(audience laughing)

- I know I'm gonna
be proud of you.

- Thanks, Dad.

And I'm proud to
be your son too.

(audience applauds)

- And remember, we're
still here if you need

some old fashioned advice
or an old fashioned loan.

- Hey, Maggie, can I
apply for one of those

old fashioned loans?

- As soon as you
leave for college.

(audience laughing)

It's not gonna be
the same without you

around here, Willis.

- Mama, are you gonna get mushy?

- Yes, Sam, I am, now hush.

Willis, I know I didn't
raise you from birth,

but I couldn't be
prouder or filled with more

hope for you than if I had.

- Aw, thanks, Maggie.

(audience applauds)

- Here you go, Willis,
some pumpkin bread,

peanut butter
cookies and my special

chocolate decadence cake.

- What's a chocolate
decadence cake?

- One bite and you break
eight of the 10 commandments.

(audience laughing)

- Hey, listen, I think
we better get going.

You don't want to
be late before school

has even started.

- Okay.

- Well, I guess this is it.

- Hey look, Arnold,
you got a big job

ahead of you now.

I want you to take care
of everybody for me, okay?

- No problem.

- All right, great.

I feel better about leaving now.

Bye, you guys.

- Bye, Willis, we love you!
- Bye, Willis.

- Have a safe trip.

- Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

- Oh, how ya doing?

- How you doing?

I'm your new roommate.

- Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm Doug Dixon
from Bettendorf, Iowa.

- Oh, Willis Jackson
from New York City.

Iowa, huh?

- Yup, yup.

- They have a lot
of farms there, huh?

- A couple.

New York, huh?

- Yeah.

- They got a lot of,
uh, tall buildings there?

- Yeah, and we have
those little subways

the little trains go through.

And we have the
Broadway with the girls

doing shows like this,
and then Lincoln Center...

- Well, how about electricity?

You got electricity
where you live?

- Yeah, we got electricity.

- Yeah?
- Oh, yeah, and we have.

Oh.

(audience laughing)

I'm sorry.

I guess that I was kinda
being narrow minded.

- Hey, don't worry about it.

That's what we're here for

to, uh, broaden our minds
and all that other garbage.

- Hey, well then, why
don't you get dressed,

and we can hit the
campus together

and broaden our minds.

- (chuckles) You know,
I like the way you think.

We should be
able to get in a lot

of trouble around here.

- We'll let Ashton know that
the dynamic duo has arrived.

- You got it.
- All right, get dressed.

- [Man] Hey, is freshman
Willis Jackson there yet?

- You hear that?

They know I'm here already!

I can't believe that.

(audience laughing)

- Welcome to Ashton.

(audience applauding)

- Hi, Arnold.

- Hi, Sam.

- Yes, Sam?

- I miss Willis.

- Me too.

Yes, Sam?

- It's Saturday.

I don't have anyone
else to play with.

- Thank you for sharing that
information with me, Sam.

(audience laughing)

- Come on, Sam, let's
play hide and go dust.

- Pearl, I'm not that bored.

- Well.

- Hi, everybody.

- Hi, Mr. D.
- Hi, Dad.

- Darn it!

Nothing from Willis!

How are we gonna know
how he's doing at college

if he won't write us a letter?

- Mr. D, he's only
been gone five days.

- And he calls every night.

- That's no excuse.

Still, he should write.

I mean, supposing he
called and got a busy signal?

I really miss Willis.

I even miss his argyle socks.

- Those were his ankles.

(audience laughing)

- I wonder what Willis
is doing right now?

I'll never forget my
first week in college.

It was crazy.

I stood in line for five
hours to get my classes

and three hours to get my books.

Then I read all the
books ahead of time

to get a jump on
things. (laughs)

- Boy, talk about
life in the fast lane.

(audience laughing)

- Hey everybody, I'm home!

- Look who's here.
- Hey!

- Willis!

- Hey, how you doing, Sam?

- Willis, did you come back
because you missed me?

- That's right, Sam.

And that in one week I
managed to accumulate

two weeks worth
of dirty laundry.

- I thank you, my
lint filter thanks you,

my spin cycle thanks you.

- What happened to all
those fraternity parties

and the freshman
dance you were going

to go to this weekend?

- Oh, Dad, the only
way I could give those

other guys a chance
was to leave the campus.

(audience laughing)

- It's gonna be a great weekend.

- You know it, Dad,
but if you'll excuse me,

I gotta go call those
poor, lonely girls

I left behind and
tell them their

college man Willis
Jackson is back in town!

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, poor girls.

Right after Willis left they
started chasing cars for fun.

(audience laughing)

- Willis, this weekend
flew by so fast

it didn't even seem
like you were home.

- Maybe that's
because he wasn't.

- I'm sorry I didn't
get enough time

to spend at home with you guys,

but those women can't get
enough of those college stories.

- What stories, you've
only been there a week?

- Dad, when you spend
two days with nine girls,

that one story goes a long way.

(audience laughing)

- Well, I guess this is it.

Goodbye, Willis.
- Bye.

(Willis sneezes)

- Oh, God bless you.

- Thanks.

- Hey, don't expect
another big farewell.

You only get one cry a semester.

(audience laughing)

(Willis coughing)

- What is it, Willis?

Are you okay?

- I'm fine, Dad.

- You don't have a fever.

(Willis coughing)

- I just feel a little woozy.

It'll pass.

- I don't think you
look very good.

You better stay here tonight.

You can get a train to
Ashton in the morning.

- I don't think it's
necessary, Dad.

- Yes, it is.

Poor thing, you're
probably just run down

from all your school activities.

- Not to mention all
those activities at home,

Sherry, Dawn, Rachel, Vixen.

- Vixen?

- She looks like a reindeer.

(audience laughing)

Willis, Willis, listen.

Father alert, father alert!

- What?

- I heard Dad talking
on the phone to Maggie.

He doesn't believe you're sick.

He thinks you've been
faking these past three days!

- Come on, Arnold,
look at me, I'm wiped out.

- I know that, but I
thought I'd warn you.

See, I was walking
through the kitchen.

Hi, Dad, how are you?

- Fine.

- I was just talking to
Willis about the oil crisis.

- What oil crisis?

- That's just what
I was telling Willis.

There hasn't been a good
oil crisis in quite a few years.

(audience laughing)

- How are you
feeling today, Willis?

- Uh, a little better
than yesterday, Dad.

- It seems that your
24-hour flu has turned

into the 72-hour variety.

- Yeah, I guess old Mr. Flu
forgot to wind his watch.

(Arnold laughing)

- Oh, that's a good one,
Willis, wind his watch.

- Arnold.

Well, obviously, there's
only one thing to do,

call the doctor.

- Yeah, Dad.

Doctor, no wait!

No doctor.

I mean, he'll just say
it's something going

around or something.

- Okay, Willis, what
is going on here?

There is something
you're not telling me.

- Dad, there's nothing
I'm not telling you,

and if there was something
I wasn't telling you,

I wouldn't tell you anyway!

- All right, Willis.

Obviously, you don't
want to go back to school.

Why?

- Okay, I want to drop out!

There, I said it.
- What?

Drop out?

How can you possibly
want to drop out?

- Dad, at Ashton,
all I see are a bunch

of people chasing
diplomas like chickens

with their heads cut off!

- Well, it sounds just
like college to me.

- Dad, there's a glut of
diplomas on the market.

I read that in your
Wall Street Journal.

You know, I'd just be
better off getting a job

and becoming an entrepreneur.

You don't need school
for that, just a good idea.

- Even if that
were true, Willis,

it won't hurt you
to go to school.

You can always be an
entrepreneur after you've graduated.

- Right, just like I
can go back to school

after I got to work.

- Those sound like
famous last words to me.

- You know, you won't
give me an inch, will you?

- All right, Willis,
now come on, tell me.

What is really bothering you?

- I got nothing going
for me at Ashton.

I might as well drop
out and save them

the trouble of throwing me out.

It's just not easy in college.

- It isn't supposed to be,
especially the first year.

- Yeah, but in high
school, I was king of the hill.

Now I'm getting
stomped on by all

the hot sh*t upper class men.

- Now listen, Willis, you
went through this same thing

when you were
first in high school.

Then eventually you were one

of the hot sh*t upper class men.

Just give it a little time.

- But there's too much
competition at Ashton!

There's so many
smart guys there.

And some of them
aren't even nerds.

(audience laughing)

Dad, it's just that it's

- Overwhelming?

- Yeah.

And it's lonely, Dad,
I mean really lonely.

And I don't feel like I
can tell anybody there.

I'm sorry, Dad, but I
just want to quit for now.

- Well, I can't force
you to stay, son,

but I want you to promise
me that before you

do decide that you'll give
this some more thought.

- No, I've done enough
thinking for this semester, Dad.

I'm dropping out.

- [Philip] Is this yours?

- Uh, yeah, Dad.

- You know, actually, this
is quite a comfortable room.

- When the heater works.

- Heater?

My dormitory didn't
even have a heater.

You don't know
how lucky you are.

- Dad, remember you
gave me your word?

- All right, all right,
all right, all right.

I know, I promised not to
try to talk you into staying.

I'm sorry.

- Hey, hey, Willis,
welcome back.

- Hey, Doug, this is my
dad, Philip Drummond.

Doug Dixon, Philip Drummond.

- Hi, nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you, sir.

Willis has told
me a lot about you.

What, what's going on?

- Um, I'm movin' out.

- You are?

- Yeah.

- Oh, what fraternity
did you get into?

Wait, let me guess,
the Fijis, right?

You animal!

- No, I didn't get
into any fraternity.

- You gettin' an apartment
off campus, all right.

Hey, maybe I can
borrow it some night

when I have a date, huh?

I'm planning on
having a date sometime

before the semester's over.

- No, I didn't get
an apartment either.

You see, I have to drop out.

Some, um, business
opportunities that I set up

over the summer
finally came through,

and they want me to start
working them right away.

- Well, that's great.

I guess those business
smarts run in the family, huh?

You must be very proud.

- Yeah, yeah, I am.

- Well, I'm really sorry
to see you go, Willis.

Maybe when I graduate,
you can give me a job.

- Sure thing.

- Well, um, I
gotta hit the books.

- Okay.

See what I mean, Dad.

This place'll turn
you into a bookworm.

- Economic theory,
that's pretty complicated

stuff for a freshman, huh?

- It's all complicated.

Got advanced French,
psychology, English comp.

I mean, I almost chucked
it in after the first week.

- I guess it can
seem overwhelming.

- It's not impossible,
it just takes

a lot of studying.

- Then why were you
going to chuck it in?

- That's simple, I was lonely.

About as lonely as a
cabbage in a cornfield.

- Yeah, I know that feeling.

That can be awful.

- But the stupid thing
was that I was afraid

to tell anybody
that that's how I felt.

I mean, is that stupid or what?

- Yeah, stupid.

(audience laughing)

- Actually, it seems
natural to me.

But what happened, Doug?

How is it you can
talk about it now?

- Well, one night,
a bunch of us were

sittin' around talking,
and, it turns out,

we're all in the
same lonely boat.

- It sure helps to know
you're not alone, doesn't it?

- Hmm, it sure does.

I mean, now we hang
out together and we've

even formed a study group.

We were gonna
ask you to join, Willis,

but you've been gone all week.

- Hey, you know,
when I was in college,

I was in a study group.

We divided up the reading,
we shared our notes,

we even pulled up our grades.

- That's what we're countin' on.

- Well, I guess you
guys figured out

how to b*at the freshman blues.

- I sure hope so,
and if we get to feeling

depressed from now on,
I'm gonna go downtown

and take in a movie.

And maybe pick on
some high school kids.

(audience laughing)

- I don't believe what
I'm hearing, man.

I thought you had it made.

- Yeah, well, that's what
I wanted you to think.

I mean, with everything
coming so easy

for you, I didn't
want you to think

that the farm boy
couldn't hack it.

- I wish I would've known.

I mean, I coulda helped
you out of something.

(audience laughing)

- Willis, I just
had a brainstorm.

- Yeah?

- I have two bright
young vice presidents

that I have to let go
because I'm overstaffed.

I hate to put them
out in the cold.

Here's what I was thinking.

Maybe they could
manage your projects

for you while you
stay in school.

That way, I wouldn't
have to let them go,

your investments
would be protected,

and you wouldn't
have to drop out.

- Sounds very tempting,
Dad, but I don't know.

- Give it some thought.

(audience laughing)

- Thought?

Right.

Okay, I'll do it.

- All right, welcome back.

- Thanks, did you miss me?

- No.
- Thanks.

- Hey, Willis, with that
kind of decision making

and a little education,
you could be one

of the great
entrepreneurs of your time.

- Thanks, Dad.

You know and Doug's right.

Those kind of smarts
do run in the family.

- [Man] Hey, Jackson, it's
about time you got back.

- You hear that?

Your friends really missed ya.

I'd like to meet those guys.

- No, wait!
- No, Dad, don't!

(audience laughing)

(audience applauding)

(upbeat music)

(light music)

(fanfare music)