08x12 - Arnold's Initiation

[bunniefuu]

♪ Now the world don't move ♪

♪ To the b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for you ♪

♪ May not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born ♪

♪ He's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two ♪

♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
different strokes ♪

♪ It takes different strokes ♪

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that you got ♪

♪ Not a lot so what ♪

♪ They'll have yours
and you'll have yours ♪

♪ And I'll have mine ♪

♪ And together we'll be fine ♪

♪ 'Cause it takes
different strokes ♪

♪ To move the
world yes it does ♪

♪ It takes different
strokes to move the world ♪

(making chicken noises)

- Hey, guys, aren't
our new pledges great?

- Yeah.

- All right, all right,
all right, pledges,

all right.

Not bad.

Although, you could
have done better

in the escalator races
at Bloomingdale's.

- Well, I would
have set a record

if I hadn't tripped
over those nuns!

- Just what's going on here?

You hooligans are driving
away my customers.

And uh, what's
with the feathers?

- They're not from us, sir.

- Nobody likes a
smart aleck kid, Hunter.

- Well, sir, Eddie Haskell
did have quite a following

and might I add, that's a
lovely tie you're wearing.

- And might I add
you've got five minutes

to get those feathers off

or I'll have your
McNuggets on a platter.

- Man, I hate pledging.

I'm gonna tell these
guys what they can do

with their initiation.

- You have a problem, Jackson?

- Uh, no, sir.

In fact, I was just
telling Charlie here

I'd love some more
humiliation before I go home.

- Pledges.

Attention!

Well, well, well.

So you lowly pledge
scum made it this far.

But you're not in the
Squires Club yet, no,

just wait until tomorrow.

- [Both] Hell Night! (laughing)

- Yeah!

Hey, you know, Hunter,
I might do you a favor

and initiate you myself.

- Well, sir, that's quite an
honor with your busy schedule.

- Shut up, Hunter.

- Shutting up, sir.

- We don't allow
slimy pledges to speak

without permission, huh?

And you are slimy.

Is that right, Jackson?

- (stammering) Right, sir.

Uh, I'm so slimy
I'm often mistaken

for a mucus membrane.

- Hey, how's it going Carl?

- Oh, pretty good, pretty good.

- Going easy on those
women, huh, Carl?

- Ah, come on.

Hey, John, you had
potato salad today.

I know because you
always have french fries.

It's Arnold who always
has potato salad.

- You are sharp,
Carl, really sharp.

Hey, let's see if our pledge
scum is just as sharp, huh?

Uh, Jackson, sing our
club fight song, will you?

- Uh...

Uh, sir, there is
no club fight song.

- That is no excuse, Jackson.

Sing it anyway!

And it better rhyme, slime.

- Eh, um, uh...

The club's gonna fight!

We'll get an appetite!

And we'll eat all night.

- Uh, that's enough,
Jackson, that's enough.

- Uh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I'm not finished yet.

- Go on.

- Oh yeah!

- Well, uh, Jackson,
you're no Tina Turner,

but not bad.

For vermin.

Who should be at
attention, but forgot.

- Ah, you know, maybe they
need some help remembering, huh?

- You know, maybe they do.

- Uh, excuse me, Carl.

Here you go

- There, we did you a favor.

Now if you hear plates smashing,

you'll know you're
not at attention.

- That's very
thoughtful of you, sir.

- Hey, I got a new radio.
(rock music on radio)

My dad gave it to
me for my birthday.

- Oh, that's great, Carl.

Is it your birthday?

- Oh, no, it already was.

- Carl, please, would
you put that thing off

and get back to work?

Your job is to
wash dishes, Carl,

not to put on a rock concert.

- But I was just showing them
my new radio, Mr. Wallace.

- Carl, Carl!

If they wanna hear
music, they'll put a quarter

in the jukebox.

You see, Carl, that's
how we make money.

That's what pays your salary.

That's what helps
me get a new BMW.

Silver, black interior.

With Carlotta Balducci
sitting next to me

wearing a...

All right, Carl, just
get back to work.

- Oh, yeah, sure, Mr. Wallace.

- And go ahead.

Break one of those dishes.

Make my day.

- You know, poor
Carl tries his best.

How can Wallace
treat him that way?

- Yeah, not to mention
the way he treated us.

- Yeah, I mean, we're
the only ones who can

treat our pledges like scum.

- Forget about Wallace, huh?

We have a party
to go to! (exclaims)

I hear it's five
girls to every guy.

- Hey, let's go!

- Ah, five to one.

Even I might get lucky.

- We'd love for you guys to go.

You know, Jackson, someone's
gotta hold those plates up.

(guys laughing)

- I guess I'm all set.

- Hey, you look great, Arnold.

- Yeah, stripes make
you look thinner.

- Hey, are you
going to the initiation

or a Johnny Cash concert?

- Will you guys knock it off?

I'm already a wreck.

- Now, Arnold, take it easy.

You've been pledging
for weeks now.

This is the last night.

Surely the worst is behind you.

- But I'm not in yet, Dad,

and tonight's Hell Night.

And if you're not in a
club your high school

career is a flop.

And if I don't get in
a club I'm a nobody.

I guess I'll have
to join a Bhagwan.

- Ah, don't worry, Arnold.

I felt the same way
when I was a pledge.

But man, you'll
make lots of friends

and you'll feel
great about doing

community work and charities.

- Willis, you astonish me!

And all this time I
thought you'd joined

just for the parties
and the girls.

- I did.

- Willis, because you were a
member of the Squires Club

they have to take me, right?

- It's not a hundred
percent, Arnold,

but you'd have to be a
real jerk not to make it.

- You could be
in trouble, Arnold.

- Now, now, now.

Arnold, don't worry.

Everybody that pledges a
fraternity goes through this.

I can't begin to tell you
what an ordeal I went through.

- Really, Dad?

- Ooh, you better believe it.

It was tough.

I had to go for one entire day

with my hair parted
on the wrong side.

- Unbelievable, Dad.

And you lived to tell about it?

- You can laugh all you want,

but I just barely made it.

I had quite a
cowlick in those days.

- Looks like the cow's
licked most of it off.

- One more thing, Arnold.

Don't overdo this
initiation thing.

Have fun and just use your
own good common sense.

- Ah, don't worry, Dad.

The club can't go too far.

They're still on probation.

You know, last
year we got caught

putting the men's room
sign on the principal's office.

We woulda got away with it,

but that foreign
exchange student.

You know, he had the
nerve to go in there...

- That's okay, Willis.

I think we've heard enough.

Arnold, just relax.

Get in there and break a leg.

- Knowing them, it's
probably part of the initiation.

- You should be ashamed
of yourself, Madonna.

- Didn't even shave
your legs. (laughing)

- I tried to, really.

But my dad caught me
and he said if I didn't stop

he was gonna take
me to a psychiatrist.

- Hey, fellas!

I did it, I did it.

- How much you put in, Jackson?

- The whole box!

(all laughing)

- All right, Jackson, now
if this works, you're in

and we really steam
that idiot Wallace. (laughs)

- [Arnold] Yeah, right.

- Hey, shh, I think
I hear something.

(rattling and crashing)

(boys laughing and exclaiming)

All right, Jackson,
you got Wallace!

Welcome to the Squires Club.

- Hey, all right,
I'm in, I'm in!

- All right guys, you can
get out of those outfits now.

- Are you kidding?

Do you know how
many girls I met this way?

- Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey, cool it guys.

Now we're only on probation now,

but if Wallace finds out we
did this, he'll call the school.

I mean, that'll be the
end of the Squires Club.

- Oh, gee!

(music playing on Carl's radio)

- Hey, uh, Carl,
what's going on here?

- I don't know.

I never saw
anything like it before.

The suds got real big.

They're all over the place!

Oh, here, Mr. Wallace.

Let me help you with that,

we'll get this fixed
up just good as new.

- No, no, don't help me, Carl.

Just look at the mess you
made with this dishwasher here.

How could you be so stupid?

- But, Mr. Wallace, I...

- No buts, Carl.

Just get out of here
and never come back.

You're fired.

- Wait, Mr. Wallace...

- No, no, no, Jackson.

- Go on.

- [Radio DJ] You're
tuned to Happy Hogan's

Happy Hunting Grounds
where we hunt out the hits

to keep you happy and to
keep you hilariously happy,

here's our next
rockin' chart buster!

(rock music)

- Man, I can't stop
thinking about Carl.

Walking out so sad.

His radio laying there
with a hunk of meatloaf

still stuck to it.

- I can't believe you sat there
and let that happen to him.

- Yeah, Arnold.

You usually only do
things that rotten to me.

- Look, I didn't wanna
see Carl get fired.

I wanted to say something.

But the club's still in trouble.

We're still on probation.

- Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

If you had opened your
mouth that would have been

the end of the Squires Club.

- And the end of Arnold
Jackson as we know and love him.

- Sounds like a
nice buncha guys.

- Yeah, Sam, you don't
understand about clubs.

See, they demand
loyalty almost at any cost.

You know what people
think about snitches.

- Right.

Kinda like when I
tattle on Cathy Walters.

She nailed my
lunch pail to the floor.

She put a big spike right
through my melon balls!

- Hey, Arnold, um...

Maybe there's a silver
lining in this after all.

- I would take a lead
lining right about now.

- You know, what you
did to Carl was a terrible,

lowdown thing.

- Really rotten, the worst!

- I mean it reeked, it stunk.

Arnold, you are
the biggest lowlife...

- Uh, Willis, about
the silver lining?

- Oh, what I'm
saying is, Arnold,

you lost Carl's job, so
try to find him another one.

Hey, maybe even Dad can help.

- Hey, that's a
good idea, Willis.

- Mm-hmm.

- Carl would be happy,
the club won't get in trouble,

and I may live to be a senior.

That's a great idea, Willis!

- Yeah.

- Yeah, Arnold, it's
just like you said.

Willis couldn't possibly
be as dumb as he looks.

- Hi, everybody.

- Hi, Arnold.
- Hey, Arnold.

- Long time no see, stranger.

- Sorry.

I was down at the
Hamburger Hangar

on important club business.

The guys are having me
write down new guidelines

for the water balloon fight.

- Well, good for you.

I think that's how
Henry Kissinger started.

(Pearl laughs)

Anyway, we're very glad
that you're enjoying yourself.

(doorbell chimes)

- Yeah, Arnold.

But I really miss your voice.

"Sam, get lost!

Sam, you're a twerp!

Sam, shut up!

Sam, shut up or I'm gonna
tie your tongue to your bicycle!"

- Hi!

Carl, what a nice
surprise, come in.

- [Mr. Drummond] Hi, Carl.

- Hey, look who's here.
- Hey, Carl.

- The best darn janitor
in New York City.

- Ah, not the best one.

I want to thank you again
for getting me the job,

Mr. Drummond.

- Oh, no need to.

We all thank you.

Our building has
never been so clean.

- Yeah, Carl, we're
real proud of you.

- And I'm real
proud of you, too.

You have the neatest
garbage in the building.

Not like the Cliffords.

It's always greasy.

Gooey green with lots of
pieces of green fat hanging...

- Yeah, uh, I think
we get the idea, Carl.

- Well, if you don't I'd be glad

to show it to you some time.

- Can we go see it, Mr. D?

- Uh, Sam, why don't we
wait until your mother gets back

and then we can
all go as a family.

- I want to show you something.

They gave me a
lotta keys. (jangling)

I got one to the furnace
room, one to the uh,

storage room, and one
to the garbage room.

- Ah, I'm sure we'll
all sleep better nights

knowing our garbage
is under lock and key.

- Sam, we'd better let
these two old friends

catch up on things.

- So, how'd things
work out, Carl?

- Oh, I'm learning a real lot.

How to wax the floors,
how to clean the mops,

and to wake the super
before the football game starts.

- Well, it seems
like your new job

is really working out for you.

You're getting more pay
and I bet you never had a key

to Hamburger
Hangar's garbage room.

- No, Arnold, I never did.

But that's because they
didn't have a garbage room.

- Hey, Carl, what's wrong?

- I miss the Hamburger
Hangar, Arnold.

- Hey, why don't you stop by?

Everybody's asking about you.

- Oh, I'd really
like to do that,

but Mr. Wallace told
me never to come back.

- Well, Mr. Wallace!

- Arnold, how is it down there?

Is it still real fun?

I miss everyone,
Arnold, I really do.

- Hey, cheer up.

You'll make some new
friends here in no time.

You just gotta socialize more.

- With who?

I'm the only one
in the basement.

I listen to my radio and
I sure enjoy it a real lot,

but I really think I get
kind of lonely down there,

Arnold, I really do.

(crowd applauding on radio)

Uh-oh, halftime's almost over.

I gotta go tell the
super and wake him up

before the rest of the game.

- Bye, Carl.

(knocking)

- Hey, listen, you guys.

Would you like to...

Where's Carl?

I thought that
he'd still be here.

- No, he left.

- Arnold, I didn't get
a chance to tell you,

but I am very proud of you.

- Proud of me?

- Well, sure.

For looking out for Carl,
for worrying about him

when he didn't have a job.

You better watch out,

you're gonna give
teenagers a good name.

- Wait, Dad.

Listen, look...

On a completely
different subject,

what if someone you knew or
rather someone you didn't know

was responsible for
helping uh, his or her friend

to get a new uh, situation,

but in actuality,
uh, this guy or girl

was really responsible
for causing his or her friend

to lose his or
her old situation,

which this guy or girl's
friend is really missing?

- Arnold, if I'm hearing
what I think I'm hearing,

him or her is in big trouble.

So he or she better straighten
out this mess very fast

or his or her father is
going to ground someone

for a long, long time.

- Him or her will take
care of it immediately.

- Good for him.

Or her.

- Hey, Arnold, I found
out where Carl is,

but I'm not telling
you where he is

until you cough up
the quarter you owe me

for bringing him here.

- Just put it on my tab.

- I can't.

You already owe
me 176,000 dollars.

- In that case, what difference
would a quarter make?

- Good point.

Come on in, Carl.

(rock music on radio)

- Hi, Arnold.

I'm here, did you
wanna talk to me?

- That's right, Carl.

Hey, I got some
good news for you.

- Oh, and I've got some
good news for you, too, Arnold.

Do you notice anything new?

- Well, let's see.

- I'll give you a hint.

C-A-R-L.

- Hey, I know.

You changed your name to Carl!

- Oh! (laughs)

Oh, Arnold, you
always kid me so much.

- Hey, that's
really cool, though,

you got your name
on your uniform.

That's cool.

- Oh, yes, Arnold,
it is really cool.

My name is on my uniform.

- Hey, Carl, I got
something to tell you.

You're not gonna be
needing that uniform anymore.

There's a new dishwasher
at Hamburger Hangar now.

- There is?

- Yeah, and he's got a C-A-R-L

written on his uniform, too.

- Oh.

Oh!

You mean me?

- Hey, I talked to Mr. Wallace
and convinced him

to let you have
your old job back.

What do you say?

How's it feel?

- Uh, real good, Arnold, but...

I can't take my old job back.

- Huh?

Wait a minute, Carl, you're
not making any sense.

It's like talking to Willis.

- I broke the
dishwasher, Arnold.

I might break it again

and I'm scared.

- Uh, Carl.

Listen.

- What is it, Arnold?

- Um, uh, sit down, I
have something to tell you.

- I'm already sitting, Arnold.

- Right.

Uh, look, Carl.

The dishwasher, uh...

You uh, I uh...

Look, you didn't
break the dishwasher.

I did it.

- You did?

- I'm real sorry.

It was part of my initiation.

- But everybody thought
that I did it, Arnold.

I was yelled at by
Mr. Wallace and everything.

- I know.

We didn't want
you to get blamed.

You see, I talked to
Mr. Wallace and he understands...

- Well, Arnold, I don't
think that was very nice.

- But Carl, we didn't
think you'd get blamed.

You know how
Mr. Wallace was getting.

- But I did get blamed, Arnold.

Mr. Wallace called me stupid

and fired me in
front of everyone.

- I know...

- Arnold, that was not
nice what you did to me.

- Yeah, but listen, Carl...

- You got me in trouble,
Arnold, real bad trouble.

- But there's this thing
called probation and if...

- Arnold.

I don't think you're
my friend anymore.

- Wait a minute, hey!

Carl, hold on a second!

Wait a minute, I
told you I was sorry!

Carl.

Listen, Carl...

- We're closing, Arnold.

- Can't we please talk?

- No, Arnold.

We can't talk because I don't
want to talk to you anymore.

- All right, Carl, if that's
the way you want it.

I'd sure like to
be friends again.

- There he is.

There's the canary.

- Yeah, we don't like the song

you've been singing to Wallace.

What's your problem, Jackson?

- Look, Wallace
doesn't know a thing.

I took all the blame, honest.

- That's not the point, scum.

As long as you own that sweater,

you're a reflection
of our club, man.

You get into trouble, so do we.

- Think of Carl working
in a dingy basement

all by himself with no
one to talk to but a mop!

- I don't believe you, Jackson.

You risked the whole
club for one guy?

- You know, that
was real stupid.

We got a mind to kick you out.

- Well, wait a minute he...

- Stupid, Jackson, real stupid.

And you know what?

We don't think you're
Squires Club material.

- Well, considering the
way you two are acting,

I'm glad I'm not.

There!

- You done?

- Uh, wait a minute.

Now I'm done.

I forgot my Juicy Fruit.

- Nice knowing you, Jackson.

- Uh, Arnold?

- I know, you're closing,
you're closing, I'm...

- I don't think you're a canary.

- Thanks, Carl.

- Oh, Arnold.

Boy, John and Randy
were real mad at you.

You know, all that
hula dancing you did?

You looked stupid for nothing.

- Not for nothing.

This is their gum.

- Arnold, wait a minute.

Arnold.

- Yeah, Carl?

- I don't like it when
we're not friends.

- I don't like it either, Carl.

- I mean, the way you
stuck up for me, that was...

That was really good,
Arnold, it really was.

- I figured I kinda
owed it to you.

- Because you really understood.

Because it was
lonely in the basement.

But don't worry, I never
talked to the mops.

- I never thought you did, Carl.

- Anyway, thanks a lot, Arnold.

- Anytime, pal.

- Hey, do you think they'll
ever let you back in the club?

- Nah.

I think I'm washed
up with that club.

Who cares?

- Well, you know,
Arnold, if I had a club,

I'd sure want you to be in it.

- Carl, I'd love to be in it.

- You are in it, Arnold.

- All right!

Thanks, buddy.

(Carl laughing)

(funky music)

(bright electronic music)

(Sony Pictures fanfare)