08x16 - Lifestyles of the Poor and Unknown

[bunniefuu]

♪ Now, the world don't move
to the b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for
you, may not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born,
he's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two, they
got nothing but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got,
Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter
that you got not alot ♪

♪ So what ♪

♪ They'll have theirs,
you'll have yours ♪

♪ And I'll have mine ♪

♪ And together we'll be fine ♪

♪ 'Cause it takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Yes it does ♪

♪ It takes Diff'rent
Strokes to move the world ♪

- After we eat, let's
take some more pictures.

- [All] Yeah!

- That's a neat camera.

- Yeah, and when
you make a mistake,

it yells at you in
Japanese. (laughs)

- Hey dudes, keeping
a spot warm for me?

- Yeah.

- Hey.

Hey, give me five.

Gotcha!

Sorry I'm late.

Me and my old man were packing

for our trip down
the Colorado River.

- Wow Kurt, you're
gonna b*mb the rapids?

- That's sh**t the rapids.

- It's the greatest.

Spending all day in the
raft, sleeping under the stars,

not taking a shower for a week.

- Wow.
- You lucky.

- I do that anyways.

- I love camping,
my dad takes us.

- We know, McKinney.

We saw your pictures
at show and tell.

He had a motor
home, a portable TV,

and he had steak every night.

- We did not have
steak every night.

We had chicken once.

- Chicken, huh, that figures.

(imitating clucking)

Come on, let's get out of here.

I wanna go and have some fun.

- But we were gonna take some
pictures with my new camera.

- What a thrill.

- Oh, so what's
your big idea of fun?

- Jumping subway turnstiles,
climbing up fire escapes,

running up to winos
and smelling their breath.

- Wow, you done all that?

- On a bad day.

And man, it's better
than hitting the teacher

with a spitball.

- How should you know?

Every time you aim
for Mrs. Spencer,

you miss and hit me.

- Who said I missed?

(boys laughing)

Yeah, well, I'm gonna
go and have some fun.

You guys can come along

unless you'd rather
say cheese for Sammie.

- Come on.

- See ya later.
- Bye.

(Kurt chuckles)

- Cheese.

- How long have you been
hosting Gotham Tonight, Summer?

- Two years, six months,
seven days, and three husbands.

Oh, you know, my
fans are just gonna love

the way you've
decorated upstairs,

especially the master suite.

It makes such an
important statement.

- Yes, it does.

It says, "This is
where we sleep."

- Oh, you're such a hoot

and everybody says
rich people are sniffs.

- Hey everybody.

Hey Dad, check
out my new haircut.

- [Maggie] (gasps) Willis.

- I'm gonna have my
lawyer call your barber.

- Dad, this thing
is really in now.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Hey wait a
minute, you're that...

- Summer Hartwig.

A fan, it happens all the time.

- That's right, you
have that, what's that?

That consumer show,
Fight Back With...

- No Willis, you've got her
confused with David Horowitz.

- Please, don't
compare me with a man

who gets excited
testing toe nail clippers.

- Remember Willis, I told you.

Summer is featuring me on
her show, Gotham Tonight.

- In fact, I want to
interview the whole family.

- Hey, that is terrific.

I mean, 'cause there's
been so many girls

who've been dying to meet me

and now they get
their chance on TV.

- The other nice thing
about the show, Willis,

is that it's about
women and business.

And they're letting me
promote my new line

of exercise clothes,
Sweat Du Jour.

- Du Jour was my idea.

They sound French, but
they're really made in Hoboken.

- Does David Horowitz
know about this?

- It doesn't matter
where they're made.

The important thing is that
Maggie is donating one half

of the profits to some
very deserving charities.

Now I think that might
be worth mentioning.

- Charity?

Oh Phil, you incredibly
naive rich person.

This isn't PBS.

All I care about is that
the leotards are skimpy.

Trust me, my
audience wants flesh

and they know where to find it.

- If they want flesh, then
they will love my head.

- Well everybody,
I'm off to Philadelphia.

I can't wait to see
Independence Hall,

the Liberty Bell, and Dr. J.

- You be sure you
go to bed on time.

- All right, Dad.

- Goodbye sweetheart.

Oh, I packed your
bag for your class trip

and it's on the sofa.

- Thanks Maggie.

You know I do have a
few minutes, Miss Hartwig.

Maybe we could do some closeups.

- If my cameraman were
here, I'd love to, Arnold,

because our show
is deeply concerned

with the lives of every member

of this unique
and exciting family.

May we see the kitchen now?

- Right this way.

Goodbye sweetheart.

Don't forget, call every night.

- Okay.

- Have a good time, son.

- Bye Dad.

I make a much better
interview than the microwave.

Nice haircut, did the
barber do it with his teeth?

Willis, notice how sad Sam is.

He already misses
his terrific big brother.

Right Sam?

- Are you going
somewhere, Arnold?

- All right, all right, Sam.

What's wrong?

- Nothing.

- Is it the kind of nothing
where you come to me later on,

you spill your guts,

and you tell me
how bad everything is

and I tell you
everything's not so bad.

And then I tell you about
the ant and the grasshopper

and you get all teary eyed.

And then I reassure you
everything's gonna be all right

and it is.

- Yeah, that's the kind.

- Well my class has
got a train to catch

so you'll have
to talk to Willis.

- But Willis can never
remember anything

after the grasshopper
plays all summer.

- I'll call you tonight.

- Bye Arnold.
- Bye bye.

- [Sam] Bye Arnold!

- Okay Sam, what's the problem?

- Well there's
this new kid, Kurt,

who's been picking on
me, putting me down,

and stealing my friends.

Willis, how mad would
Mom and Mr. D be

if I got in a fight?

- Mad, when Pearl got
in a fight with a plumber,

they made her snake
the drain by herself.

- Willis, I'm serious.

Can you teach me some moves?

- Sam, moves like
mine can't be taught.

Now, either you have
them or you don't.

(grunting)

- I got 'em.

- Sam, maybe you should
consider talking to this guy.

- Forget it, Willis.

From now on, I'm
gonna do all my talking

with these fists of fury.

- Okay Sam, cool it.

Look, this is what I'll do.

Let's go down to
Hamburger Hanger tomorrow

and I'll try to help you out.

But we're gonna try solve
these things without fighting.

I want you to tell Kurt
you don't like his act

and you want him to quit.

- It won't work, Willis.

Kurt makes Gaddafi
look like Pee-wee Herman.

- Well just try.

And if it's really that
bad and no other way out,

then I'll signal you
it's okay to fight.

- All right!

- Sure you don't
want something, Sam?

- Yeah, Kurt's
head on a platter.

- I don't see it on
the menu, Sam.

Look I told you, we're
only gonna use fighting

as a last resort.

Only if we absolutely,
positively have to.

- Just wait, Willis.

Once you've seen Kurt,

you'll probably wanna
get a few licks in too.

There they are.

Now don't chew so loud
you can't hear, all right?

- Don't worry,
Sam, I won't chew.

I'll just swallow.

- You should've
come with us, Sam.

We spent the day giving
bad directions to tourists.

- Yeah, there's this
one guy from Kansas

who thinks Madison Square Garden

is a vegetable
patch in Brooklyn.

- Save it, guys.

Rich kids like McKinney
don't know how to have fun.

They pay someone
to do it for them.

(chuckling)

- Kurt, why are you
always putting me down?

- Gee, I don't know.

I guess because
it's just so easy to do.

- You better stop.

- Who's gonna make me?

Your nerdy brother,
Arnold, the photographer?

What's he gonna do?

Pop flash bulbs on my
face so beg for mercy?

- I'm serious, Kurt.

You're this close.

- What's that?

The size of your brother
Willis' biggest muscle

or his brain?

- I'm warning you, Kurt, okay?

- I'm not surprised
your family's so weird.

I mean, just look
at your geeky dad.

He's the biggest
wimp in the world.

Wimp, come on.
- I'll show you wimp.

Come on, you're
gonna pay for this.

- All right, cut
it out right now.

Come on, come on.

- Come on.

What's wrong, McKinney?

Can't take it, truth hurts?

- Let me at him.

I'll show him the truth.

- All right, all right, that's
enough, both of you.

Now look what you did here.

This is a restaurant, you know?

Not WrestleMania.

- Sorry Mr. Walls, we'll
take care of our share.

- Yeah, you're darn
right you will, Jackson.

You know, people like to eat
this garbage, not walk on it.

You, what's your name?

I said what's your name?

- He said tell him your name.

- I'll handle the
interrogation, Magnum PI.

How do I reach your parents?

Okay pal, listen.

You got two choices.

You can tell me or
you can tell the police.

- Look, why don't you just
tell him who are parents are?

What's the worst
they can do to you?

- Nothing, they
can't do nothing.

I don't have a mom and dad.

I'm an orphan and I
live in a foster home.

So you call 'em if you want.

'Cause they don't
care about me at all.

(audience applauds)

- It really is a
shame about Kurt.

Can you imagine how
that poor child must've felt,

what he went through
when he had to admit

to all those people there
that he was an orphan.

- Dad, it was the
saddest thing I've seen

since the end of ET.

- You may be a lot sadder
after you and I have had a talk

about you encouraging
Sam to fight.

- Dad, I know it was wrong.

But who cares if Kurt called
the wimpiest guy on earth?

- On earth?

Well at least Sam
understands about Kurt now.

- Yeah, he should've
seen his face drop, Dad.

You could tell he felt
really awful for the kid.

He was really hurt.

- Hello Sam.

- Hey Sam, how did it go
at school today with Kurt?

- The big buzzard face
liar didn't even show up.

- Sam will be over
the hurt any day now.

- He knew all the guys
would laugh him out of town.

- Sam, does anyone
know the real reason

why Kurt wasn't at school today?

- No, I wish the
chicken would show up.

- Now Sam, you know how
displeased your mother and I are

about you fighting.

- Yes sir, it's a good thing
you're not Rocky's parents.

- What concerns
me most right now

is your attitude toward Kurt.

Now listen Sam, he's
a boy with a problem.

And I insist that you
work this out peacefully.

- Oh excuse me, but
Philip, could you come in

to the kitchen for
a few minutes?

Summer wants some sh*ts
of us making dinner together.

- Okay, I'll be there
in a minute, honey.

- Now look, Sam, I'm serious.

- No Dad, you go right
ahead and talk to Maggie.

I think I wanna
talk to Sam alone.

Might be good for the both
of us if you know what I mean.

- Run, Mr. D.

You could always
yell at me later.

- Okay, coming honey.

- Thanks for
getting me off, Willis.

Just for that I
won't make a joke

about you having a five
o'clock shadow on your head.

- Sam, look, I'm serious.

Now, I wanna talk to you
about why Kurt told you those lies

and why he insulted you.

- Who cares why he did it.

I just know he won't
be doing it again.

- Look Sam, Kurt has
no one in the whole world.

- Gee, I wonder why.

- Sam, you know, I've
been checking up on Kurt

and it turns out that he's
never spent more than one year

in the same foster home.

And now he's too
old to be adopted

'cause all they want are babies.

- He's the biggest baby I know.

- Look Sam, do you
like me and Arnold?

- Of course, you're my brothers.

- Well Sam, we're
just like Kurt was.

Older kids with no parents.

And if Dad hadn't taken us in,

we might've lived in foster
homes or group homes.

And we might've been
just as mean as Kurt.

- Not you, Willis.

Maybe Arnold.

- Sam, getting bounced
around like that,

doesn't that explain to you
why Kurt's the way he is?

- Yeah.

- And don't you think
now you can forgive him?

- No way.

He had no right to pick on me.

I never did anything to him.

- Yeah, but Sam.

- Forget it, Willis.

Kurt's two banana splits late.

I thought you said he really
wanted to apologize to me.

- He does, Sam.

He told me so.

- But we have to be back
for Momma's interview soon.

- We've got over two hours.

- Well.

- Well.

- Well okay Sam, apologize.

- What?

Me, apologize to you?

I wouldn't
apologize to you if...

Willis, I thought you said he
was going to apologize to me.

- What?

That's what he told me.

- Boy Willis, this would be low.

Even for Arnold.

- I'd never apologize to you.

I'm outta here.

- Oh yeah?

Well I'm outta here
before you're outta here.

- Oh yeah?
- Yeah!

- Look, knock it off, you two.

Now I told you
that to get you here.

And I've got even bigger news.

You two are going to be friends.

- What?

Me with him?

I'd rather kiss a frog.

- Well I'd rather kiss a girl.

- Look, knock it
off, you clowns.

Now there's no reason
why you guys can't get along.

- Sure there is.

He's always picking on me.

- I had a right.

- No, you didn't.

- Yes, I did.

I was sick of your
bragging about your family

and all the things they do.

- I never brag.

- You always brag
about going out on trips

or out to dinner
or to ball games.

- No, that's not bragging.

Everyone's family
does stuff like that.

- No Sam, not
everyone has a family.

- But I didn't...

- Look Kurt.

Now I know you really
weren't trying to hurt Sam.

I mean, do you hate him?

- No, not really.

It's just...

- It's just you jealous
about his family.

- Yeah.

- See Sam, putting you down

was the only way
he could feel better.

Now I might've done
that and you might've too.

- Boy Willis, you're awful smart

for a guy who
still reads comics.

- So, am I looking
at two friends?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- We're live in 15 seconds.

- [TV Narrator]
Then after meeting

with her fitness
wear production staff,

Maggie motors up
town to her studio

to lead an advanced class
in a spirited aerobic workout.

- Man, you look good
leading that class, Maggie.

Wow, who is that?

- Oh my goodness, that
young lady has an incredible

sense of rhythm.

Look at her, Willis,
look at her rhythm.

- I'm looking, I'm looking.

- Stand by.

- Okay everybody, look adorable.

- Five, four, three, two.

- Hi, now we're live

in the Drummond's
lovely Park Avenue home.

As you can see, Maggie
is surrounded by her warm

and loving family.

We'll meet her and
talk to the only people

who come between her
and her exercise clothes

right after this timeout.

- That's a cut.

- (chuckles) Between her
and her exercise clothes.

Get it?

That's like the
Calvin commercial.

Cal's a big fan of our show.

He never misses us.

- Momma, do you mind
if I go to my room now?

I really don't feel
like being on TV.

- Sam honey, what's wrong?

I mean you were so
excited about all this.

- I know, I was just
thinking about Kurt.

He's really not such a bad guy.

It's just that he
doesn't have anyone.

- I know, but he has
a good friend like you.

- Stand by.

- It's showtime, folks.

- [Cameraman]
Five, four, three, two.

- Hi, you know, I always
say that the best way

to really get to know
someone is to talk to the people

who that someone even better

than that someone
knows him or herself.

So before we meet Maggie,
let's talk to the people

who know her best.

The handsome gentlemen
to my left knows her very well.

Of course a hunk like him
knows a lot of ladies well.

And that's Maggie's
favorite man, her son, Sam.

Sam, how do you feel about
having such a famous mom?

- I feel really lucky.

- I guess so because
she's so nice,

so pretty, so awkwardly mobile.

- Yes, all of those.

But most of all I feel
lucky just to have a mom.

My friend, Kurt, doesn't and
no one wants to adopt him

because they think he's too old.

- Well that's very
interesting, Sam,

but turning now to other...

- Wait, there's lots of
kids like my friend, Kurt,

and all they want
is to have parents.

People should know that.

- And now they do.

But turning now to
Maggie's stepson, Willis.

Willis, what can you
tell us about Maggie?

- She is the greatest.

I love her like my real mom.

- Why Willis, what a
wonderful thing to say.

- Marvelous.

If I'm not mistaken,
that's real warmth.

- See, when I was
11, my mom d*ed

and my dad d*ed a
couple years before that.

But luckily my brother
and I were adopted.

Otherwise we would've been
just like Sam's friend, Kurt.

- Who we've already
heard plenty about.

- See, thousands of kids get
shuffled from place to place.

And then at 18, they get
pushed out into the world.

- Turning now to Philip
Drummond who I know is going

to stick to the questions.

Philip, what can you
tell us about your wife?

- Well Maggie's a very lovely,
charming, intelligent lady.

And marrying her was the
second best thing I ever did.

- Uh-huh, and
what was the best...

You're going to talk
about orphans, aren't you?

- Yes, but first I think

that there's something
your audience should know.

Summer Hartwig is one of
the most courageous women

in television.

Sure, she could play it
safe, keep it light and fluffy.

Throw lots of leotards
in front of the camera

to get rating, but not her.

- No?

- When she sees a worthwhile
issue, ratings be damned,

she goes for it.

- I do.

- And if she doesn't
get an Emmy for this,

then there's no justice.

- We do what we can.

- What was it you wanted to
know about my lovely wife?

- Later, we got a cause here.

- Go for it, Philip.

- Well I guess the most
effective for me to say it

is just simply to tell you
that the best thing I ever did

was to adopt Willis and Arnold.

However, adopting an older
child is not for everybody.

- Well it should be!

- Nevertheless, the reward
of parenting still exists

in an older child.

Being father to these
boys brought a warmth

and richness into my life

that I never could
possibly imagined.

And of course, I was able
to give two kids a chance

that they might otherwise
have been denied.

- It worked for me.

- There you are, an
unsolicited testimonial.

- It's wonderful.

Maggie, is there
something you'd like to add?

- Yes, thank you.

The love and
guidance of a parent

is something every
child must have.

So if you have room in
your home and in your heart,

won't you think about
adopting an older child?

- I am touched.

And if I know my viewers,
I'm sure that many of them

will go out after the show
and get themselves a kid.

(audience laughs)

Oh, well, we're out of time.

Be sure to join
us tomorrow night

when we'll rate your chances
to be a centerfold model

and take you backstage
at a beauty contest for cats.

Good night.

- That's a wrap.

- Thank you, everyone.

You've shown me a side of myself

that I just didn't
know was there.

Damn, I want that Emmy.

- Sam, that was a very
nice thing that you did.

To show your
concern for your friend.

You know it might
make a difference.

- Yeah, way to go, little bro.

- Oh Sam, I am so proud of you.

Come give your ol' mother a hug.

- Momma, you think
if I brought Kurt over,

you'd hug him too.

(audience applauds)

(upbeat music)