04x15 - The Squatter

Episode transcripts for the TV Show "Diff'rent Strokes". Aired: November 3, 1978 –; March 7, 1986.*
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Series follows Arnold and Willis Jackson, two African-American boys from Harlem taken in by a rich white Park Avenue businessman and widower, Phillip Drummond, for whom their deceased mother previously worked, and his daughter, Kimberly.
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04x15 - The Squatter

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Now the world don't move ♪

♪ To the b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for you ♪

♪ May not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born ♪

♪ He's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two ♪

♪ They got nothing
but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ To move the world ♪

♪ Everybody's got a
special kind of story ♪

♪ Everybody finds
a way to shine ♪

♪ It don't matter that
you got not a lot ♪

♪ So what? ♪

♪ They'll have theirs
and you'll have yours ♪

♪ And I'll have mine ♪

♪ And together we'll be fine ♪

♪ 'Cause it takes
diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ To move the world ♪

♪ Yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent
strokes to move the world ♪

Here we go! Come on, baby!

.

, , , , , .

Oh, no. All right!

You owe me $ , rent, turkey.

Ha ha!

Thanks a lot, scrooge.

Well, that wipes me out.

Give me a bottle of ripple,
and I'm ready for skid row.

That makes two of us, arnold.

I'll see you in the flop house.

Gee, willis, you sure
are lucky at monopoly.

What do you mean lucky?

Wheelin' and dealin'
just comes natural to me.

So does kissing
yourself in the mirror.

Hi, kids!

Oh, it is freezing out there!

You know, it's starting to snow.

For a minute there,
I thought you had

A bad case of dandruff.

Arnold, I thought
you had to have hair

To have dandruff?

Who's winning?

Willis creamed us again.

Hey, what can I say?
Even when I was a baby,

I was a high roller
in my little stroller.

I guess you're just a
chip off the old block.

Yeah, except the block is
white and the chip is black.

You know, dad, I made a fortune,

But I could have made more money

If I owned condominiums
instead of houses.

That is right, willis.

Is that where the big bread is?

Not just the bread,
the whole bakery.

As a matter of fact, our
company is just starting now

To tear down an
old apartment house,

And we're gonna put up some
beautiful new condominiums,

Which the city needs very badly.

Oh, that's a great idea, dad.

The city ought to
give you a medal.

Oh, let's not go overboard.
A small parade would do.

Dad, money will
never change you.

You'll never get any funnier.

Ha ha ha!

But he'll get richer from all
those condos he's putting up.

Terrific! Dad, you make it,

I'll show you how to spend it.

Hey, would you guys
like to see a sketch

Of what the new -story
building's gonna look like?

Yeah. Sure, dad.

Good, because I was gonna
show it to you anyway.

I'll be right back.

Ok.

Hey, you guys want to play
another game of monopoly?

On one condition. What's that?

That you go directly to jail

And stay there.

[Doorbell rings] I'll get it.

Oh, hello.

Is this the philip
drummond residence?

Yes, it is.

Well, my name is mrs. Martinson,

And it's very important
that I speak to mr. Drummond.

Is he home?

Sure, come on in.

Oh, thank you. It's
freezing outside.

Hi. I'm his daughter kimberly,

And these are my
brothers, willis and arnold.

Oh.

Why not?

So, this is where the
big financial wizard lives.

I guess she's heard about me.

Just as I expected,
wall to wall rich.

You could hold a
w*r in this place.

Don't think we haven't.

Mrs. Martinson, why
don't you have a seat

And I'll go get my father.

Yes, tell the executioner
he has company.

The executioner?

That's what we call him.

Who's we?

The tenants he threw
out into the street.

New york's answer
to the boat people.

Dad would never do
a mean thing like that.

Our dad never gets mean,

Except when I polish my shoes
with his electric toothbrush.

Oh, you're adorable.

Mrs. Martinson, there must be
some mistake about my father.

No, dear, there's no mistake.

Your father is tearing
down our building,

And I got thrown out.

Instead of an apartment
with a view of the street,

I've got a street

With a view of the apartment.

Oh, I see we have company.

Ah, yes. Dad, this
is mrs. Martinson.

She's used to live in
that apartment building

You're tearing down.

Oh, very nice to meet you.

I guess you want first cr*ck

At one of those
new condominiums?

No, I want first
cr*ck at your head.

I beg your pardon?

She says she's
got no place to live

Because you gave
her the ol' heave-ho.

Dad, you wouldn't
heave her ho, would you?

Well, I don't understand that.

We didn't throw anybody
out. And as I'm sure you know,

We offered every
tenant first choice

If they want to buy one
of the new condominiums.

What are you, a comedian?

Where would I get $ , ?

$ , ?

And up. With up,
you get a bathroom.

Now, mrs. Martinson,
I'm sure you'll agree

That in manhattan today

That represents
a very fair price.

Sure.

Our dad's not in business
to lose money, you know.

Oh, listen to him,

Son of executioner.

Gee, dad, isn't there
anything you can do to help?

Yeah, come on, dad.

You're taking all the
fun out of being rich.

Mrs. Martinson, I understand
your situation, I really do,

But our company's done
everything we can do.

Oh, sure you have.

No, no, no, it's true.

We even hired a rental agent

To help you tenants
get relocated.

She only found one
apartment that I could afford.

Why didn't you take it?

'Cause she took it herself.

How come it's so hard
to find an apartment?

Because people like your father

Are not building
rentals anymore,

Just condominiums,

So they can make a fast buck.

Now, that's not true.

Oh, yeah? The last thing
they put up in this town

That wasn't a condo
was grant's tomb.

And that's already occupied.

Gee, it must really
be tough for you.

I even considered moving
to a less expensive city,

But I've lived here all my life.

And I like it here.

Look, suppose I could reduce
the price of a condo for you.

Would you be able to come
up with the down payment?

How much? Usually $ , .

But I could make
it less for you.

Good! How about $ ?

You'll get the rest in monthly
payments for the next , years.

I'm curious about something.

How come you're the only
tenant I've heard from?

I'm the only one left who
hasn't found a place to live.

You're not living anyplace?

I'm staying in a crummy motel.

Who can sleep with all that
hanky-panky you hear through the wall?

I'm very sympathetic
to your problem,

But I'd just like to know

How you expect me
to help you, madam?

Madam? If I were a madam,

I could afford condominiums.

Oh, I'm very sorry, children.

I didn't mean to use
that kind of language

In front of you.

That's ok. We've heard
worse words than that.

Yeah, we have cable television.

Now, mrs. Martinson,

How about your
relocation allowance?

We gave every tenant a
generous amount of money

To help them move.

I used up all the allowance.

This isn't the good ol' days

When a dollar
was worth cents.

Well, I wish I could help you,

But I'm afraid I'm not
a real estate agent.

So, I'd appreciate
it if you'd leave now.

Would you mind
doing that, please?

[Chuckles] "please," he says.

Attila the hun with manners.

All right, I'll go.

Will you guys stop
looking at me like that?

I am still the same father
you were crazy about

Christmas morning, you know.

Look, dad, I know you can't
be responsible for everybody,

But I really feel sorry for her.

Yeah. Me, too, daddy.

She seems so desperate.

Dad, if you have to
knock down a building,

Why don't you leave hers alone

And knock down my school?

What do you think you're doing?

I'm moving in.

What?! You can't do that.

Oh, yes, I can.

I've got no more money,

And until you find
me a place to live,

I am staying right here.

As long as I need a
roof over my head,

It just may as well be
one with a chandelier.

Well, this is preposterous.

Kids, you can start
calling me aunt bernice.

Hi, aunt bernice.

Don't call this weird
woman your aunt!

Your aunt's a
different weird woman.

And I'm not about
to take in a tenant.

Oh, don't worry, mr. Drummond.

I won't steal your towels.

And I don't snore,

And I don't walk in my sleep.

That's good, dad, because
I won't bump into her

When I'm running
to the bathroom.

I can't take in every stranger
that comes to the door.

But you took me and arnold in,

And we were strangers.

We were even
stranger than this lady.

Aw, dad, she has no place to go,

And you said it is
freezing out there.

Well, I'd really like to
help you, mrs. Martinson.

I'll tell you what.

I'll foot the bill
for your motel for...

Oh, no, no way. No more motels.

I want a home.

Even if it is only
for one night.

Come on, let her
stay just tonight, dad.

Please, dad?

For us, daddy?

Give me a break, daddy.

Well, all right. You
can stay tonight,

But you gotta leave first
thing in the morning and no fuss.

Now do I look like
the kind of woman

Who would make a fuss?

[Knock on door]

Just stopped by to
say good night, kids.

Good night, dad.
Good night, dad.

Good night, dad.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
What is the matter here?

Well, we were just talking
about mrs. Martinson.

We really feel
sorry for her, daddy.

Dad, if being in
your business means

Kicking people
out of their homes,

I don't know if I want
to take it over some day.

Willis, you're
overreacting to this thing.

Yeah, but making money
in monopoly is one thing,

But it's different
when real people

Don't have the
money to pay the rent.

Yeah, dad.

She's liable to wind up
on the street like a bum...

Begging for food,

Looking for cigar butts,

And stuffing newspapers
down her girdle to keep warm.

Stop exaggerating.

Listen, I'm sorry, too.

Didn't I agree to let
her stay overnight?

Let's look at the
practical side.

We're gonna put up a building

That will give times the
number of people a place to live.

Look at the big picture.

We are, dad. We just don't
see mrs. Martinson in it.

We don't know this woman.

For all I know, she's just
stephanie troublemaker,

Maybe even a little eccentric.

What does that mean?

It means her marble
bag is full of ious.

After tonight,

What's gonna happen to
that poor, helpless woman?

Everything is going
according to plan, doreen.

Yeah.

Stand by for the
fireworks tomorrow.

I'm really gonna sock it to him.

Gee, I wonder how
late she'll sleep?

Why don't you ask her?

Morning, aunt bernice.

Good morning.

Good morning.

We didn't mean to wake you up.

Oh, you didn't wake me.

I was just lying here thinking.

You know, you look
pretty good in the morning.

Thank you.

For a woman your age.

I spoke too soon.

Wait'll you see dad.

In the morning, he
looks like a white prune.

Would you like some breakfast?

Oh, no, thank you, kimberly.

I don't want to take any
of your father's food.

That's very sweet,
but I brought my own.

-Grain cereal,
a bowl, and bran.

Good morning, everybody.

Arnold: morning, dad.

Good morning, daddy.

You were right.

About what?

The way you look in the morning.

The white prune.

I've got one of those faces
that doesn't settle till noon.

I want to make
some powdered milk.

Uh, what do you
charge for water?

Mrs. Martinson, you're
really more than welcome

To eat breakfast with us.

Yes, and you don't have
to worry about the tipping.

No, thanks. Maybe tomorrow.

[Clank] what?

Tomorrow?

Now, wait a minute.

Last night, you said
you'd be leaving today.

Well, last night, I was
homeless and desperate.

This morning, I have a
lovely couch on park avenue.

Oh, no, you don't!

Now, you promised that
if I let you stay overnight,

You'd leave first
thing this morning.

Now you've gone
back on your word.

I want you out of
here and right now!

Oh, boy, you're all
heart, aren't you?

Next thing, you'll
be calling the police.

Well, why don't you do that?

Why don't you? Go ahead!

Call the police! Dial it!

It's - - .

All right, that's
just what I'll do.

You don't think
I'll do it, do you?

Willis: dad, don't
call the police!

Dad! The police? Come on!

But...

I'm picking up the phone.

I'm dialing.

Hello, operator, get
me the police, please.

They'll be answering
in a second,

And they'll come
and take you to jail.

Well, at least there,
I can afford the rent.

I think he means
it, mrs. Martinson.

Yeah, you don't
want to get busted.

All right. You
give me no choice.

Hello? Is this the
police department?

Well...

I think you guys are
doing a great job.

No guts, huh?

All right, I will call
the police myself.

Why would you do that?

You'll find out.

Let me speak to doreen.

I thought you were
calling the police.

Who's doreen?

You'll find out.

Doreen, I'm at the
executioner's house.

Call the police
and activate plan "b."

What's plan "b"?

You'll find out.

[Everyone talking at once]

Hold it!

Hold it! Hold it!

One at a time.

Lady, will you please
let go of the bannister?

No, I'm not moving.

See, look, I don't
understand this.

You called the police yourself.

Now why do you fight them?

'Cause I'm not moving.

Lady, be reasonable.

You can't walk into
somebody's house

And decide to live there.

Why not? I'm not armed.

I'm not dangerous.

Yes you are.

Your mouth is a lethal w*apon.

He threw me out in the street.

I did not.

He didn't. He just wanted
to knock her building down.

Okay, lady. Come with us.

I can't. Not for a few minutes.

Why not now?

You'll find out.

She says that a lot.

She certainly does.

I think her needle's stuck.

Come on, lady.

Please let go of the bannister.

Uh-huh! Police brutality, huh?!

Go ahead! Go ahead!
Subdue me with a choke hold!

Lady! Lady, I hardly
touched you.

You see how unreasonable she is?

No, I don't care
what you do to me,

But I am not budging.

[Doorbell rings]

Now I'm budging.

That's got to be plan "b."

What's plan "b"?

[Together] you'll find out!

If you don't mind!

This is still my house...

Or at least it was
till you showed up.

Are you mr. Drummond?

Yes. Aren't you the guy that does
television interviews? Tom wallace.

That's how I sign
my alimony checks.

That's him!

That's the guy that always
smiles while he insults you!

I see I have another fan.

Tom! Tom, I'm bernice martinson,

And that's him.

You must be the executioner.

And you must be more
careful what you call me.

Are you gonna do one
of your penetrating,

In-depth interviews with my dad?

Oh, I get it now.

You're trying to set me up.

Sure, you want this
whole thing on television.

"Police help millionaire throw
penniless woman into street."

"Where it's freezing
and snowing."

I like that. I'll use it.

You're not gonna make a
scapegoat out of me, wallace.

Mrs. Martinson, I'm afraid
you have to leave right now.

Aha! v*olence
against the elderly!

You see that? Get
a sh*t of that, tom.

Are you getting a
sh*t of this? Get a sh*t!

All right! Let's start taping!

Mrs. Martinson, if you'll
come back here with the police.

Roll tape.

Wait a minute! I haven't given
you permission to do this!

Look, you take your
crew and your camera

And you get out of here.

Mr. Drummond, I'd like to
ask you a few questions.

Turn that thing off!

You refuse to be interviewed?

Oh, I know what your
interviews are like.

I've seen them. I'll end
up looking like a villain.

Well, let me just ask
you one simple question.

Yeah, what?

What are you trying to hide?

You see? You're
doing it already!

Turn that thing off!

Oh, sure. You're afraid
you'll be exposed.

No, he isn't. Go ahead, dad.

Expose yourself.

All right, mr. Drummond,

We've already got you on tape

Refusing to be interviewed.

Now, do you want that to
go out on national television,

Or do you want a chance to
tell your side of the story, too?

Oh, boy.

You got me between a
rock and a hard place.

All right, I'll do it,

But you've got to
be fair and objective.

moi?

No, I mean it.

If you don't
promise, I won't do it.

Ok. You got it.

Policeman: well, I guess
you don't need us anymore.

Mr. Martinson,
if you'll come sit

At this end of
the couch, please,

And, children, if
you'll gather 'round.

Gee, I wish I would have known
I was gonna be on television.

I would have fixed my make-up.

And I'd have pumped up my afro.

I would have worn
my good underwear.

Could we get on
with this, please?

I need a voice level, tom.

You're gorgeous, you're
sexy, and you're underpaid.

Beautiful, tom.

Tape is rolling.

You're on, tom.

Mondo-condo...

The world of condominiums.

This morning we're in the
home of philip drummond,

A wealthy building tycoon,

As you can see by
this luxurious home.

And this is bernice martinson,

A penniless victim who was
evicted from her tiny apartment

By this man, whom she
calls "the executioner."

You call that
fair and objective?

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

Would you prefer "slum lord"?

That was very
sneaky, mr. Wallace.

Sneaky, but a good one.

Now, can I tell
my side of it, tom?

I haven't told my side yet!

This is beginning to
sound like family feud.

Except I don't think dad
is gonna kiss anybody.

All right, mr. Drummond,
how do you see this issue?

Ok, it's very simple.

This woman used to live in an
old -story apartment building.

Now, we're gonna tear that down

And build a lovely,
new -story building.

I see. You kicked her
out to make a fast buck.

Not at all.

The people of this
city need housing.

The new building
will accommodate

Times the number of
people that the old building did.

And you're building
luxury condominiums?

Yeah, what do you
expect me to build,

Luxury tenements?

How about putting up some
housing that people can afford?

Mr. Drummond, you cannot
understand what it is like

To try to live on a
fixed income today.

My husband, rest his soul,

Thought that his pension was
gonna be enough for both of us,

But he was wrong.

When he was sick, the
medical bills just wiped us out.

Oh, we lived in that
apartment for many years,

And we were... We
were so happy there.

You have a wonderful
family, mr. Drummond,

And all I have are memories.

But, unfortunately,
I can't live on those.

Inflation is a k*ller.

I know people who
are eating cat food.

Cat food, mr. Drummond.

No, thank you.

So it's the, uh...

It's the same old question.

What's it gonna be,
people or profits?

Mrs. Martinson, I am very
touched by what I've just heard.

I guess when you're
in a business like mine,

You're kind of on a treadmill,

Trying to keep stockholders
happy by showing a profit,

Trying to help
out the community,

So it just boils down to
numbers and statistics.

You hope you're
doing the right thing,

But it's all too easy to
lose sight of the fact

That there are people
behind those statistics.

Then you're not gonna
tear down the building?

Well, I'm afraid I
have to do that.

What you talkin' about, dad?

[Everyone arguing]

Wait a minute! Hold it!

Hold it, hold it! Now, wait!

Wait a minute,
please. Let me finish.

I couldn't stop this building
project now even if I wanted to.

Everything is in motion,

But I'll promise you
this, mrs. Martinson.

You will have an apartment

And with monthly payments
that you can afford.

But I don't want
to live in libya.

No, I mean one of the
new condominiums.

Dad, she just told
you she can't afford it.

Oh, yes, she can,

If I have to give her a
mortgage for years.

And if I know you,

You'll be around to
make the last payment.

Oh!

All right, dad!

Imagine... Me, a homeowner.

Ohh.

She just kissed the executioner!

You're wonderful, daddy.

I'm so proud you're my daddy.

Me, too, dad.

But what about the next
building you knock down?

What's gonna happen
to those people?

Well, I wish I had a simple
answer to that, willis.

Maybe when you kids grow
up and take over the business,

You'll find a solution to that.

We'll try, partner.

Ok.

We sure will, partner.

Speak for yourselves.

I don't think I want all
those business headaches.

I think I'll take
my pension early,

Like when I'm .

Oh, this is so beautiful.

Did you get it all on tape, tom?

Did I get it all on tape?

Mrs. Martinson, when
that little red light

On the camera goes on...

Why isn't the
little red light on?

Oh, no.

I got so carried away,

Ahem, I forgot to hit
the switch again, tom.

I'm sorry.

Well, how much did you get?

Up until where the kid says,

"What you talkin' about, dad?"

Man, he sure talks funny.

♪ Now the world don't move ♪

♪ To the b*at of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for you ♪

♪ May not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born ♪

♪ He's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along come two ♪

♪ They got nothin'
but their jeans ♪

♪ But they got
diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent strokes ♪

♪ To move the
world, yes, it does ♪

♪ It takes diff'rent
strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Hmm ♪
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