04x03 - Big Time Lies

[bunniefuu]

- All agents report.

I report, all agents report.

Over!

- No eyes on red falcon on the fourth floor.

Ksssh!

- She's not at the pool.

- Are you sunning by the pool,

surrounded by girls in sunglasses?

- What? No.

I'm going through a tunnel. Ksssh!

Reception--tunnel--shwshw!

- Logan, have you spotted the nest?

- I am unable to hack into bitters' system,

and I'm a little freaked out by his screen saver.

- What are you doing?

- Covert operations to find out which apartment lucy moved into

so I can avoid her at all costs.

- Honey, she lives here now,

and you and joe will just have to deal with this.

- Negatory.

Because I have a team of special ops

that will make sure lucy never comes between us.

Over. Kshh!

- Ready for our pool date?

- Yep!

And no one will come between us.

- Oh, hey guys.

Uh, you headed to the pool?

- ♪ Make it count, play it straight ♪

♪ don't look back, don't hesitate ♪

- ♪ when you go big time

- ♪ what you want, what you feel ♪

♪ never quit and make it real ♪

- ♪ when you roll big time

- ♪ oh-oh, oh-oh

- ♪ hey, hey

- ♪ listen to your heart now

- ♪ hey, hey

- ♪ don't you feel the rush

- ♪ oh-oh, oh-oh

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh

- ♪ go and shake it up

♪ whatcha gotta lose?

♪ Go and make your luck

♪ with the life you choose

♪ if you want it all, lay it on the line ♪

♪ it's the only life you got so you got to live it big time ♪

- this is so awkward. - Mm-hmm.

I can't imagine what jo must be going through.

- I know.

It's like kendall's ex-girlfriend

is literally living in between them.

- Guys, we're right here.

- And anyway,

lucy moving back to the palmwoods doesn't bother me.

See?

- Oh, quick! She's coming over here!

Act natural!

- Be cool! Be cool!

[All muttering]

- hey, guys.

- 'Sup?

You know, just actin' natural.

Why'd you move back in?

- Look, I didn't move back to start any drama,

but my album's all about being strong

and doing what makes you happy,

and the palmwoods makes me happy,

so I'm back.

- Okay.

Now that that's out of the way,

carlos and I are off to rocque records.

Why don't you tag along,

and you and I can-- I don't know--make out.

- James.

I'd rather eat hair.

- You will be mine!

- Anyway.

I don't want things to be awkward,

so I hope we can be friends.

- I'd like that. - Me too.

[Nervous laughter]

- see you.

[Nervous chuckling]

- well, this is gonna end badly.

- Whoo!

Nothing kills wait-for-gustavo time

like a little soda bowling.

- Okay, if I make this strike,

that means lucy totally likes me,

and we'll be dating very soon.

- Hey!

What are you doing?

- Soda bowling for love.

- Well, don't!

- Go put the sodas back in the pantry,

and warm up your voices.

- Yeah, we're gonna pick out some new microphones,

and I need my studio a-tidy when I get a-back.

[Both sing scales]

- oh, they're gone!

- [Chuckles]

- go, go, go, go, go!

- This is for love!

- [Gasps]

- don't worry.

It's not a problem as long as the soda doesn't--

[hissing]

[shrieking]

[ricocheting and crashing]

[glass shatters]

[screaming]

[crashing]

- according to this,

george washington's best friend was an eagle

and he lived in a pyramid.

Homework: done.

- Are you looking at a dollar bill?

- Maybe.

- Try reading the book.

- [Coughing]

- oh, sweetie, are you getting sick?

- [Coughs]

nope.

- Are you about to tell a lie?

- Yep.

[Knocking]

[coughing]

hey.

- Hey, you. Ready to go to the play?

Four hours of experimental shadow acting and water sounds!

- Oh, it sounds great, but...

[Coughing]

I think I'm getting a little sick.

- Oh, no.

That's terrible.

- Well, bye.

- The only place you're going is to doc hollywood

right now.

- What? Uh, no.

No, uh--help!

- See?

Lying gets you nowhere.

- You're right, mom.

I agree with you.

- Really? - No.

I'm lying.

- ♪ Do it like nobody's around

- that was big time rush's latest hit.

And now, here's lucy stone.

- ♪ You dumped me for her?

♪ You--

♪ kiss me in an elevator

♪ you dumped me for her?

- You're listening to all news, all the time,

except for lucy stone's newest hit,

you dumped me.

- ♪ You dumped me for her?

Splash!

- Think I'm gonna go get my mp player.

- Don't get in any elevators with anyone.

- That is funny because lucy living here is funny.

[Laughs]

whoa!

- I'm welding things.

- [Shudders]

- hi, kendall.

- This would be awkward if we weren't just friends now.

[Forced laughter]

whoa.

- Yeah, about that.

- Uh, we should stop.

- You're right.

- That's not what I meant.

- Kendall, we've done this before,

and I think you know what comes next.

[Bell dings]

- this is me.

- That's not what comes next.

- Gustavo said not to soda bowl in the studio.

We did.

Crash!

And we're dead.

- We can fix this.

Watch.

Huh?

Crash!

- We got to tell 'em the truth.

Just come clean and accept the consequences like men.

- You're right.

We got to tell 'em the truth.

Or...

- Tracks , , --

[muffled yelling] we were robbed!

[Mumbling]

- [screams]

- come on.

Come on!

Come on!

Now do you want a sword or a puppy?

- I want you to help logan.

He's really sick.

- [Coughing] really sick.

[Balloon sputters]

- sounds serious.

Step into my exam room and we'll take a look.

- [Coughing]

- okay, so why are you lying?

- What? How'd you know?

- Because I'm a doctor and a man.

Now details.

- Camille wants me to go to a--

shadow acting water play, but I don't want to go,

so I said I was sick,

and now I need you to back me up.

- You want me to lie?

But I could lose my medical license.

Again.

- Uh, did I mention the play is four hours long?

- [Gasps]

camille, you might as well go to your play

because I'm gonna be very busy running tests on logan.

- [Coughs]

- it's very serious.

- Really? - Mm.

- If it's serious, then I'm not going anywhere.

Tell him I'm right here for him if he needs me.

- Cool.

- Why did you say it was serious?

- Cause it sounded medical.

- What am I gonna do?

- If jo finds out that I ran into lucy,

things are gonna get weird and awkward.

- You owe it to jo to tell her the truth.

And remember what george washington said.

You should never tell a lie.

- Or just wait it out.

Lucy'll eventually get that you're not interested,

back off, and nobody gets hurt.

- Nobody gets hurt.

That's good, and I like good.

- Not telling jo is lying.

And remember what else george washington said.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

- He didn't say that. - Yes, he did.

- Um, okay.

Thank you both for your confusing advice,

but I'm gonna go back down to the pool

and pray I don't run into lucy.

Darn it!

- Hi, kendall.

Now where were we?

- Uh, yeah.

Just about there.

Um, look, you're, uh--

lucy, I just want to go see jo,

who's at the pool

because I don't want things to get, like, weird and awkward.

[Bell dings]

oh.

- Hey, jo.

- [Laughs nervously]

- got the music.

- Did something happen in there?

- Um...

- Tell her the truth.

Remember, liar, liar, pants on fire.

- No, lie.

That way nobody gets hurt.

- Truth!

- Lie to her. - Truth!

- Lie. - Truth.

- Lie. - Truth!

- Oh, in there?

Nope.

Absolutely nothing happened in there.

Do you smell something burning?

- Yup.

Your pants are on fire.

- Oh! - [Shrieks]

pants on fire!

Splash!

- Hey.

- Stop!

- Did you lie?

- Yep.

Lucy wants me back,

jo wants the truth,

you two keep appearing on my shoulders,

and I don't know what to do.

- First, stop lying,

and second, it's laundry day,

and you only have one other pair of pants.

- Or just never leave jo's side.

Lucy won't flirt with you in front of jo.

Eventually, she'll stop trying, and problem solved.

- Problem not solved.

You, zip it, and finish your project.

You, tell jo the truth,

or I am gonna be very disappointed.

- You know what, mom?

You're right.

You're going to be very disappointed.

[Siren whoops]

- my "world's angriest producer" award,

my "everything's bigger in texas" mug...

You have to find this guy!

- Which is why we need to know what did this robber look like?

[Together] what did he look like?

[Muttering over each other]

- [clears throat]

- cowboy. - Pirate.

- A cowboy pirate?

- Uh-huh. - Yep.

- Put out an a.p.b. On a...

Cowboy pirate.

And you two, I need to see a list of all the items destroyed.

- [Yelling]

- I feel so guilty lying.

- Shh.

Don't worry about it, all right?

This case is gonna remain unsolved,

and we're gonna remain un in trouble

because they're never gonna find a cowboy pirate.

[Laughter]

- okay, so which one is it?

- Is it cowboy pirate number two?

Or is it the one with the parrot?

[Parrot squawks "hello"]

- or is it all some big lie?

- Okay.

Look, the truth is--

- it was number two!

- [Sighs]

- logan, just tell camille the truth

and go to her awful play.

- Admit I lied?

That's worse than lying.

Now print me up a bunch of terrible symptoms

that she'll believe.

- [Groans]

okay, camille, according to these real test results,

logan is suffering from low hair pressure,

painful rashes, and skin failure.

So I'm prescribing him to stay

for however long this play thing is

and for you to go.

- Well, you just described mabongo fever.

And since you've been in an enclosed room with him

for the past half hour, you're infected, too,

and you both need to be quarantined.

Either that or the two of you are lying.

- [Coughing]

- you guys are pathetic.

- But we're not lying.

- Yeah!

- [Coughing]

'scuse me.

- Why are you walking so close to me?

- Because we're close.

- You're not gonna follow me in the bathroom, are you?

- No.

But you should hold it!

Because I read in a book that it is good for you.

Holdin' it right now. Feels good.

- Okay, did something happen in the elevator?

'Cause you're acting weird.

- Nothing happened in the elevator.

- Then wait here.

- Been brainstorming some new song titles.

- Uh, um...

- What do you think?

Escape is futile,

you will be mine,

and kendall dumped jo because he realized he still likes me.

- What's going on?

- Think it's locked.

How about the song title,

please go away so I can stop lying?

- How about blow you a kiss?

- Did I hear lucy? - No.

- Are you lying to me?

[Together] remember...

- Not now!

Am I lying to you, or ever?

So why don't we just get on out of here?

You smell something burning?

- Yeah, your pants are on fire again.

- [Shrieks]

pants on fire! Pants on fire!

Splash!

- I can't enjoy snacks.

Because of us, cowboy pirate number two is in jail.

- We can fix this.

All we have to do is prove that the studio bandit wasn't him.

- Okay, but that means confessing

that we broke all of gustavo's stuff.

- [Sighs]

- or...

- We really have to do--

[muffled yelling]

we were robbed again!

- [Screams]

- mm-kay. I think she's asleep.

- Well, of course she's asleep.

She's reading boring medical journals.

That's why I never read them.

- What?

Okay, let's get a second opinion

and get out of this stupid bubble.

- [Grunts] - [coughing]

- ahem.

Just admit you're lying,

and I won't break up with you or report you for malpractice.

- Lying? How dare you, madame?

- [Coughs] wait.

[Beeping]

[gasps]

[beeping]

[laughs]

we have fevers!

We are sick!

- We aren't lying.

We have colds!

- Whoo!

- Fine. You are sick.

But if you didn't want to go to the play,

you should have just said so.

[Sighs]

- I cannot be seen wearing my mom's pants.

- Should have thought of that before you lied

and b*rned all your pants.

- You sure you don't want us to stay

in case something goes wrong?

- Oh, don't worry.

You'll appear on my shoulders.

Unbelievable!

- Oh, relax, hot pants.

I was just working on my next hit song.

It's about me...

In a slide with...

My guitar, and I'm playing a song,

when, all of a sudden--

[knocking]

- that's jo.

Quick, hide in the slide.

- I just like that rhyme.

- Just hide!

Hide, hide!

Hide, hide, hide!

Hi!

- Hi.

Listen, I wanted to talk to you about...

Those pants.

- Uh, yeah, see, what happened was--

- is that lucy's guitar?

- Uh, I mean, no, it is logan's.

- Then why does it say lucy on it?

- That means guitar in icelandic.

It is actually "lou-ki."

- It's just all day long,

I've had this feeling like lucy's coming between us,

and it's just so frustrating.

- Hi, jo.

- Uh...

Uh!

Jo, wait!

I know, lying is bad.

- Okay, I guess this means that cowboy pirate numeral dos

is innocent.

- And can be set free.

Hey, great work, commissioner.

- I'm not so sure.

It's starting to look like an inside job.

Gustavo rocque, you're under arrest.

- What? - What?

[Together] what?

- Your fingerprints are all over both crime scenes.

- He works here, genius.

- Uh, yeah. Why would I rob my own studio?

- Zip it, punk.

Don't worry, boys.

He's going away for a very long time.

Get him out of here.

- [Shrieks]

- wait, it was us! - We did it!

- We were soda bowling for love, and a bottle broke.

It exploded, and broke everything.

- And then we made up that story

because we didn't want to get in trouble.

And we're sorry. Just take us.

- And that's how you get a confession.

- What? - Huh?

[Laughter]

- whoa. Wait, wait, wait.

You knew it was these two the entire time?

- Yeah.

Just wanted to see how far they would take it.

And you two did not disappoint.

[Laughter]

- wait, wait.

You had nothing better to do

but fake this whole investigation?

- To teach us a lesson about lying?

- Well, it was a slow week.

- Jo! Please wait!

I cannot run in these pants.

- You lied to me.

- Yes.

I lied.

Lucy tried to kiss me in the elevator,

and I didn't tell you because...

I thought you might get upset.

I was afraid we might break up again.

- Well, I lied too.

I did care that lucy was back.

I mean, she's so pretty and talented and...

I was afraid that I might lose you too.

- That will never happen.

And I promise to never lie again.

- Me too.

- Me too.

- Ugh!

- She is really good at that.

- And I am so sorry.

I don't want kendall back.

I was just trying to create drama

to help me write some new songs for my album.

When kendall picked you over me,

I wrote some of the best songs of my life.

But now that I'm over it,

I can't write a good song to save my life.

- Well, he is good for inspiration.

Like, the next time I have to laugh on set,

I'm gonna think of those pants.

- Huh? - [Giggles]

maybe I can write a song about that.

- Yeah.

- What rhymes with "mom pants?"

- How about "so wrong pants?"

- You guys should stop being friends now.

- Let's write so many.

- Well, I guess we sure learned our lesson.

- Yup.

Honesty is the best policy.

- Oh, not you guys too.

- Huh.

What's his problem?

- I don't know.

Probably those pants.

- ♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh

- you guys were right.

This is awful.

- Are you kidding me?

This is actually really good.

- It's amazing.

And there's three hours left.

- [Coughing]

I think I'm getting sick.

Let's go.

- Well, feel better, okay?

- Let me know how it ends.

- How do they do that?

- And look at the heart bouncing.

- ♪ Step it up, get in gear ♪

♪ go for broke, make it clear ♪

- ♪ got to go big time

- ♪ hey, hey

- ♪ make it work, get it right ♪

♪ change the world overnight

- ♪ got to dream big time

- ♪ oh-oh, oh-oh

- ♪ hey, hey

- ♪ give it all you got now

- ♪ hey, hey

- ♪ isn't it a rush?

- ♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh

♪ oh-oh, oh-oh

- ♪ go and shake it up

♪ whatcha gotta lose?

♪ Go and make your luck with the life you choose ♪

♪ if you want it all, lay it on the line ♪

♪ it's the only life you got so you got to live it big time ♪