11x20 - Plankton Paranoia/Library Cards

[bunniefuu]

- Are you ready, kids?

all: Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

all: Aye, aye, Captain!

- ♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Absorbent and yellow and porous is he ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ If nautical nonsense be something you wish ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants! - Ready?

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

♪ ♪

[waves crashing]

♪ ♪

- [militaristic grunting]

Now, we all know what this day is.

- Today is the day when Plankton tries to steal

the Krabby Patty formula, sir!

- Like he does every day.

- But this time, he's not going to catch me

with me spatula down! [laughs]

Ooh? [laughs]

SpongeBob

you're on guard duty, boy!

- Yes, sir, Mr. Krabs!

Yah!

- And I'll go undercover.

[snoring]

- Hm? - Hut, two, three, four!

Hut, two, three, four!

♪ Krabby Patties are the best ♪

♪ They'll put hair on your chest ♪

- [gasps]

Oh!

- [falteringly] ♪ Krabby Patties are the best ♪

♪ They'll put hairs... into your nest ♪

- [yawns]

Ow.

- Any sign of Plankton?

- Uh, afraid not, Mr. Krabs.

- Maybe he's on vacation.

- Don't be silly!

We always take our trips together,

to keep an eye on each other.

What's taking that crook so long?

[jaunty accordion music]

Hm... Maybe the door is stuck.

[humming]

♪ ♪

Ah, for--these customers are blocking the way!

[yelling]

♪ ♪

- [sighs] There we go.

Nice, open path.

Hm? Mm...

Hey! Well, maybe he just needs

a little incentive.

[ukulele music]

[fanfare] [chuckles]

There we go.

[stealthy jazz music]

Oh.

Maybe he doesn't want me formula anymore.

[gasps]

He took the bait!

We're going to red alert!

[alarmed music]

[hubbub]

♪ ♪

Batten down the hatches!

Furl the deck!

Stop that greedy green goober!

- [panting]

Oh.

- [sighs] Ow.

♪ ♪

- Doggone it.

Can I get some ketchup over here?

Please?

- False alarm.

all: Whoa!

Oof!

[all groaning]

- Closing time!

[jaunty music]

♪ ♪

- And just where do you think

you two are going?

- It's customary to go home at closing time.

- Aren't you going home, Mr. Krabs?

- [laughing] Oh, I'm not budging.

Plankton is gonna try something.

I don't know when. I don't know where.

- Probably... here.

- Well, yeah. But when he does,

I'll be waiting for him.

[laughs]

I'll be waiting right here.

- Morning! Hm?

I guess Mr. Krabs went home after all.

- No, I'm still here...

Waiting for that blasted Plankton!

both: Gah!

[disconcerting scales]

- Yeah, I'll take-- - Me patty formula?

Huh? I knew it!

You in there, Plankton? [grunts angrily]

- Mr. Krabs, that's not Plankton!

- I will never set foot in this establishment again!

From now on, I'm using the drive-through!

- [gasps]

- [humming contentedly]

Whoa! - Aha!

Trying to to sneak a Krabby Patty to Plankton, eh?

- But Eugene, it's just a to-go order.

- [mocking gibberish]

Well, from now on, all patties are to be eaten

on the premises!

- What are you gonna do now, ban pockets?

- Capital idea, Mr. Squidward.

There'll be a $-a-barrel surcharge from now on.

[runaway music]

Whoa, hey, slow down there, Grampa.

Let's just see here.

Aha!

Another one of Plankton's spies!

- I just wanted some for later.

- You're banned!

♪ ♪

Hm...

So Plankton's recruiting

baby burglars now!

- [cries]

- You're banned!

You! You're banned! You're banned!

Banned!

- Ah... - Banned!

- [groans]

[unhinged string music]

You're all banned!

[gibbering]

- Mr. Krabs, I don't think Plankton's coming.

- Nonsense.

[knocking] [gasps]

See? It's that stinker Plankton now.

What do you want?

- Uh... A Krabby Patty?

- Why? - I'm hungry.

- Mr. Krabs, that's just Sandy.

- I'm not falling for it.

That's the worst squirrel suit I've ever seen.

- [whimpers]

[ukulele music]

[gibbering]

- Do you think Mr. Krabs is acting... strange?

- [manic gibbering, laughter]

- He seems fine to me.

- Maybe we should postpone

our plans for tonight.

- Plans? Aha!

You're both working for Plankton!

Get out of me restaurant,

you tricky treacherous traitors!

[both groaning]

[suspenseful music]

- I know you're in here, Plankton.

Where you hiding?

- I'm right here

at the Chum Bucket!

Come on down

and try our new Chum Nuggets.

- Heh. Whew.

[screams]

[dramatic music]

Oh. [chuckles]

Just a--just a cup.

- [laughs]

- Ah! Oh?

[maniacal laughter]

Ah!

[dramatic music]

[screams]

[gibbering]

♪ ♪

[panting]

[screams]

Get ahold of yourself. Get ahold of yourself.

[sighs]

I'm starting to see things. [laughs]

[maniacal laughter]

- [screams, gibbers]

Huh?

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Those two ARE

working for Plankton!

[gasps]

♪ ♪

- Ow.

- Me own daughter?

♪ ♪

Oh, not Old Man Jenkins!

[cries]

Everyone really is out to get you.

Aren't they, my little formula?

[doorbell rings]

- Mr. Krabs?

[stiltedly] You have got to come with me

to... The Chum Bucket,

for Plankton has kidnapped Squidward.

- Oh, so that's Plankton's evil plan?

He wants me formula as ransom!

What do we do?

What? What's that?

Oh, that's just brilliant!

Hold on a minute.

I'll go get the ransom.

Oh, you want a Krabby Patty, do you?

Well, I'll give you a Krabby Patty.

[laughs maniacally]

Oh!

Ooh?

[laughs evilly]

Okay, let's go rescue Squidward.

[laughs]

[mysterious orchestral music]

- [muffled speech]

- [laughs evilly]

Surprised, Krabs?

- Not at all, Sheldon.

I knew you were up to something.

- Oh, yeah?

How about now?

all: Surprise!

- [screams]

[confused noises]

- Oh, come, Krabs.

It's the anniversary of the first time

I tried to steal your Krabby Patty formula!

- So we threw you a surprise party.

- You mean you weren't working for Plankton?

- Of course not, Mr. Krabs.

- Oh, I shouldn't have suspected you, SpongeBob.

Whew. Won't need these anymore.

[laughs]

- Oh, boy, Krabby Patties!

- Yee-haw!

[excited hubbub]

- [screams]

No! Don't eat the patties!

- Huh? - Gotcha.

[laughs]

[gibbers]

[energetic music]

Ah!

♪ ♪

Whew.

Ah, tartar sauce!

[groans]

[screams]

♪ ♪

[all oohing]

♪ ♪

Yay.

[ukulele music]

♪ ♪

[excited chatter]

- A little help here!

- Did you enjoy the surprise party, Mr. Krabs?

- Eh, I'll tell you in a second.

- [grunts] Huh?

[angelic chorus]

Ooh, that fool Krabs

left the Krabby Patty formula behind!

[chuckles]

[nervous vocalization] Mommy.

[ukulele music]

Ooh.

- Yes, boyo. I enjoyed it very much.

[laughs]

[jaunty ukulele music]

♪ ♪

- Why, you...

- What I do?

- Why, you...

- What I do?

- Why, you...

- What I do?

- [laughing hysterically]

- Wow!

It's "The Sir Urchin

and Snail Fail Show"!

- It's cartoon time, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob? SpongeBob?

[ponderous orchestral music]

SpongeBob?

♪ ♪

SpongeRobert?

- Oh!

It's cartoon time!

I'll get our "Sir Urchin" hats.

Whoa.

- Not so fast, SpongeBob.

What's in the secret room?

- It's not a secret room, Patrick.

It's my library.

- W-what's that word mean?

- A library is a... playground for your mind.

- [vacant drone]

[laughter]

Hm...

[laughs]

Let's do it! It's library time!

- Ow! Ow!

- What I do?

[ukulele music]

- [enthusiastic grunting]

[yells]

- [meows]

[hisses]

- Oh, tender, naive Patrick,

it's not that kind of playground.

It's a place to read books! See?

- I love books!

[laughing] Book!

Book!

- Gary, I don't think Patrick knows

how to use a book properly.

Ow!

[ukulele music]

Behold the books, Patrick.

Each one has a story to tell.

- Whoa. - Look out!

Those books are cliffhangers,

stories for the adventurous.

- [pained grunt]

[nervous yelling]

I'll save you!

Whoa!

[dramatic orchestral music]

- There are logbooks,

unabridged books,

and books with bridges.

- Whoa!

[laughs]

- Listen to the soothing sounds

of the audiobooks.

[seagulls crying]

I can hear the ocean.

[toilet flushing]

Me too!

[laughter]

- Cookbooks, for the culinarily curious.

- [vacant grunting]

I like the pictures.

- Ah, but the pictures are a mere snack!

It's the words in the book that really feed your brain.

Let's start you off with an old book.

[light orchestral music]

[eerie music]

[sniffs] Ah, musty old books smell.

Now read the words, Patrick.

- Oh, read the--

oh, uh...

"Once...

Upon a..."

"Once upon a"...

Once upon a what?

- To continue the story,

you have to turn the page.

- Oh.

"Time."

"Once upon a time"!

[laughs]

That's the most amazing trick I've ever seen!

I want to stare at more words!

- Then feast your eyes!

[ethereal music]

♪ ♪

Once upon a time...

- [quavering]

Once a--

You're too slow!

[muttering]

- He likes it! Hey, Patrick!

- [muttering]

♪ ♪

- [sniffing]

[gasps]

♪ ♪

[industrious grunting]

♪ ♪

[dramatic orchestral music]

♪ ♪

- Ooh, Patrick, your head is absorbing

all the book knowledge,

just like a sponge!

[laughs]

♪ ♪

[laughs] Go, Patrick!

Get those words!

Get them good!

♪ ♪

- Stop reading words!

♪ ♪

- Wow, what a bookworm!

Whoa.

- Yes, SpongeBob?

- Uh, Patrick, I think

that's enough knowledge for one day.

Looks like you're full.

- Nonsense, dear boy.

One can never accumulate too much information.

[genteelly] Ahem.

- Well, we're fresh out of books.

Come on, I'll buy you an ice cream.

- Ah, I must confess to feeling

more than slightly peckish.

- Patrick, I'm so proud of you!

Ooh, you're a big brain now!

- Ooh!

Oh, a skosh too big, it seems, eh, wha'?

- "Eh, wha'" what? - [laughs]

Oh, no matter, my plebeian friend.

I shall simply exit posthaste,

posterior-first.

Oof!

- I got it. - Careful.

- Little bit... Wow.

You really got your melon jammed in there, didn't you?

- Oh, true, SpongeBob.

Eh, but we can easily solve this problem

on a quantum physics level. Take this down.

If we reduce my subatomic particles

by way of orbital electromagnetism,

we'll create a harmonic oscillation

within the molecules,

resulting in a wave-function collapse,

which will enable my "melon,"

as you so drolly put it,

to slip out.

- Okay, sure.

Let's give it a try.

[muttering]

[otherworldly music]

- [meows]

- Gary!

Speak to me.

Oh...

- [meows]

- Oh, Gary, you're back.

I'd know that slime anywhere.

[gasps] Slime!

That's it! [laughs]

Slime it up, Gar-bear.

- [laughs]

Abominable.

- Yeah, that Gary grease ought to do it.

Okay, Patrick, pull yourself out.

[jaunty ukulele music]

♪ ♪

[yells]

Hey. "Head Shrinking for Beginners."

Hm...

[energetic drum music]

[screams]

[chicken clucks]

♪ ♪

[chanting, yelling]

♪ ♪

[chicken clucks]

[high-pitched] Oh, I give up!

I guess we'll have to live here in the library forever, Gary.

- [meows]

- [cries]

- SpongeBob, your typically moronic attempt

has given me the solution!

Perhaps because I had to smarten up

to get stuck...

- You'll need to dumb down to get free!

- [laughs]

Who's sporting the big brain now, hm?

[laughs]

- All right, Patrick.

Let's get stupid!

Yeah!

[industrious ukulele music]

♪ ♪

Electronics.

♪ ♪

Whew.

I hope this works. - Ah.

♪ ♪

- Why, you...

- What I do?

- Why, you...

- What I do?

- I'm sorry, dear boy,

but watching this mindless drivel

isn't affecting me in the least.

[vacant moan]

- We've got drool!

Patrick, it's working!

- What I do?

- This is insulting my intelligence.

[laughing] And I adore it!

[lower, more enthusiastic laughing]

[rumbling]

- What I do?

- Why, you...

- What I do?

- [frightened noises]

[crashing sounds]

- We did it, Patrick!

The mindless drivel is destroying your knowledge!

- [laughs]

[vacant laughter]

[building orchestral music]

♪ ♪

Whoops. Here, Patrick.

You may need this little fella.

- [vacant groan]

Huh?

Ah.

[ukulele music]

♪ ♪

- Well, Patrick, this is where we came in.

Ready for some ice cream?

- Boy, am I ever!

Oof. A book?

I love books!

[yells]

A book! [laughs]

- That's right, Patrick.

Play nice with the pretty squares.

Gary, this is really one for the books, eh?

[laughs] - [meows dully]

- [laughs]

♪ ♪