05x01 - Be True to Your Preschool

[bunniefuu]

♪ I bet we've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I
started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember ♪

♪ What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing ♪

♪ We can't love each other
through ♪ ♪ ooh, ohh ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ Sha la la la ♪♪

Hey, honey.

Boy, you're up early.

Yeah, I want to get a head
start. I'm making breakfast.

Well, what is all this...

Pancakes, bacon, eggs, toast?

And freshly
squeezed orange juice.

Well, now, I am very impressed.

That's hard to do
without a juicer.

It's even harder to
do without oranges.

What's the occasion?

You know, I got up this morning

And I realized how
incredible it is...

Alex is a junior at leland,

Mallory is a freshman
at grant college,

Jennifer is in junior high,

And andy starts preschool today.

It made me think about

How much we've all
been through together,

How much I love this family,

How much I love you,

And how unbelievably expensive

This year is going to be.

Maybe we should
cancel this breakfast.

Ah, let's live dangerously.

These people ever going
to go through midlife crisis?

Alex, jennifer, sit down.

I hope you're hungry,
because we've got pancakes,

We've got eggs,
we've got bacon...

Looks great, but the
junior class is having

A welcome back breakfast.

How about you, jen?
What's it going to be?

Eggs? Pancakes?

I ate already, dad. I've
been up for hours.

I see.

Mallory, how about
some pancakes?

Please, dad.

If I even look at food
today, I'm gonna be sick.

This worked out nicely.

Jennifer, andy's ready for you.

He just needs his hair brushed.

Isn't that cute? His
first day of preschool.

Yeah. Mallory, uh, you sure
you don't want some breakfast?

No, dad. It's my
first day of college.

I'm very nervous.

Mal, you got nothing
to worry about.

I mean, it's not like you're
going to a real college.

What is that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on. How can you get
nervous about going to a college

That advertises in
hot rod magazine?

That's not true,
alex. Oh, come on, mal.

I saw the ad.

"Grant college
introductory offer...

Buy one semester,
get the rest free."

Then there's that radio spot...

"At grant college, we have a modern
library, fully qualified professors,

And thick, juicy steaks cooked
just the way you like them."

Alex, grant college
is a very fine school.

It's very hard to get in.

Hello, fellow grant
college freshman.

Looks like it's even
harder to stay out.

Skip, how about some breakfast

On your first day
at grant college?

No, no, no. Thank
you, mr. Keaton.

No, I'm saving my appetite
for those thick, juicy steaks.

Oh! Hey. Hi.

Hey.

Does this tie go, alex?

Does this tie go?

You look like a million bucks.

Tax-free.

Is is too late to take
andy to the woods

And have him raised by wolves?

Come on, dad. You know how long I
had to wait to have a little brother?

What I had to endure?
I'm just excited, that's all.

Come on, andy. Do you want
to wave goodbye to your sister

On her first day of college?

It's not a real college.

Where's andy?

He's upstairs taking a nap.

Ahh. I wanted to find out how
his first day of preschool was.

I called there three times.

Every time I called,
they said it was nap time.

Well, he's upstairs
taking another nap now.

I gotta talk to this kid.
He's sleeping his life away.

Hi.

Guys, how was your
first day of college?

Jennifer, it was so exciting. It's
so different from high school.

I'm taking this amazing
philosophy course.

We talked about life and
death, the nature of reality,

And the existence of
being and non-being.

I mean, this could change
the whole way I dress.

How was your first day, skip?

Not quite as good. Due
to a computer error,

I spent the whole
day at the registrar

Trying to prove that
I'm not a laboratory rat.

Were you successful?

I have to go back tomorrow
with my birth certificate.

You know, jennifer,

I think philosophy
may be my true calling.

There are just so many
interesting questions.

Today, the professor asked, what
proof do I have that I really exist?

Show him your phone bill.

Laugh if you want, alex,

But I have started
my first paper.

"I shop, therefore I am."

It's only a first draft, too.

Well, let's go to the mall and
do some research on the paper.

That's a good idea, jen.

You're gonna do
really well in college.

Oh, hey. Is andy asleep yet?

'Cause I want to ask him...

Oh, he is out like a light,
honey. He's had a very full day.

I'm a little sleepy myself.

I've got a big day on
campus tomorrow.

I have to run through
a maze and ring a bell

To get a piece of swiss cheese.

You crazy college kids.

So, uh, andy liked
preschool, huh?

Oh. Great. Tell me all about it.

Well, he, uh, was a
little nervous at first.

Well, that's all right. I
mean, that's to be expected.

But after a couple of minutes,
he started to enjoy himself.

Well, what were his
favorite subjects...

Finger painting, blocks,

Supply-side economics?

I think he said that the part
he liked best was sharing time.

Oh. Sharing time?

What's that?

One of the objectives
of the school

Is to teach kids
that sharing is fun.

So, everything
is shared equally.

All the toys in the room
belong to the group.

And they're considered
communal property.

What is this, the
karl marx preschool?

The harper school program
teaches kids to support each other...

To feel good about themselves.

They even have this method

Of encouraging the
children who are a little shy.

They give them patches
to wear that say,

"I know how to say goodbye"
or "I know how to nap"

Or "I know how to
speak in sentences."

Sounds like an insane asylum.

Preschool is supposed
to prepare andy

For real life.

In a couple years,
he's gonna be out there

In the dog-eat-dog
world of kindergarten.

He's got to be ready. He's
got to build his character,

Sharpen his mental skills,

Improve his physical endurance.

So basically, you're
suggesting a m*llitary preschool.

I just don't want to see andy
on the street years from now

With a patch that says, "I
know how to say goodbye."

O.k., Andy, here's
your lunchbox.

Now, these are your coloring
books and your crayons.

Remember. How do
we feel about sharing?

Blll!

Attaboy. Good.

O.k., Now you just wear this,

And I don't think we'll
have any problem.

Good morning, andy.

Good morning, mrs. Kluger.

Good morning, mrs. Kluger.

I'm alex keaton, andy's brother.

I'm mrs. Kluger the director.

Right. Oh, listen, andy, I
got to run to class now.

But remember, tonight,
we're gonna go out.

We're gonna get ice cream.
Then I'm gonna take you

And show you how the
automated teller machines work.

Ok? Remember. Who loves you?

Alex loves me.

You know it.

So, uh... How's he doing?

Oh, he's a terrific child.

He's very sensitive and very
thoughtful of the other children.

Well, I can't help that.
It's my parents' influence.

You know, andrew talks
about you all the time, alex.

Uh, really?

Yeah. He mentions
your name so often,

You'd think someone was
paying him to talk about you.

Mrs. Kluger, do you mind if I
take a little look around here?

Oh, no. Feel free. We
encourage visitors.

We're completely
open and free here.

That's nothing to brag about.

So, this is the library.

Yeah. And we try to fill it with
colorful, interesting books.

We've got, uh, oh,
charlie goes to school,

a snowy day, the curious cow.

Yeah. We've got
that one at home.

Mallory's reading it.

My sister. Oh.

You've also got a
sister in preschool?

No, mallory couldn't
get into preschool...

So she's going to grant college.

Hi, mrs. Kluger.

Hi, michael.

What does your patch say?

"I know how to say
goodbye to my daddy."

Very good, sweetie. Isn't
that wonderful, alex?

What's so wonderful about that?

I know how to say goodbye to my
daddy. You don't see me wearing a patch.

Well, we try to
encourage michael.

He's very shy.

This gives him a sense
of accomplishment.

Well, I'm all for creating a sense
of accomplishment, mrs. Kluger.

I just question your methods.

Oh. What do you suggest?

Well, have you thought about dividing
the children into different play groups,

Giving them i.q. Tests?

Well, alex, we're
trying to foster

A noncompetitive environment.

Oh, come on, mrs. Kluger.

Join us in the real world here.

Do you see people out there
who are noncompetitive?

People sharing? People
taking naps on mats?

Steven and elyse
keaton are your parents?

Oh, mrs. Kluger, I got to go.

Uh, I'm just gonna say goodbye
to andy, and I'll be on my way.

Sure. He's over
there playing house.

No, no. That's impossible.
Andy doesn't play house.

Well, of course he does.
See him diapering that doll?

He's diapering a doll?

Andy, what are you doing?

Diapering a doll.

Where's your wife?

Out working.

We're out of here.

Let's go. Let's go.

Today was the first day I really
felt like a real college student.

Of course, today was the first
day I wasn't getting shocked

For running against
the traffic in our maze.

Skippy, do you mind? I'm
trying to do some work here.

Sorry, mal. It's just such a
great feeling to be human again.

Wait a minute! You just
gave me a great idea.

I did? My next
assignment in philosophy

Is to pick someone and
try to prove they exist.

I mean, I can do that on you.

Wow. What a challenge!

If I could prove you exist,

I'd definitely get an "a."

And you'd be able to settle a
bet I have with my grandfather.

Whoa, whoa, mallory.

Do you have to work here?
We could really use this space.

Oh, no, no. You can't
stop us now, alex.

See, mallory is
going to prove I exist.

That could get a little messy.

Why don't you do that
in the kitchen, huh?

All right. All right.

Ok, a couple of
questions, skippy.

First of all, what would
you say distinguishes you

From an inanimate object?

My allergies?

Alex, this is crazy.

Don't you think mom and
dad are gonna find out

That andy isn't in preschool?

Yeah, well, I can't
worry about that now.

The important thing
is to deprogram andy

Before anything he
learned in preschool sinks in.

What do you want me to do first?

Ok. We're gonna play house.

I'm gonna be the father.
You're gonna be the mother.

We're gonna show andy how
a normal family functions.

Are you watching, andy?

Yes, sir. Good.

Honey, I'm home.

Hi there, dear. [Kiss]

What did you do today
while I was out working hard

To support you?

I had an affair
with the milkman.

That's very funny, dear.

Does that mean you didn't make
any dinner for your husband,

Even though I was
slaving away at the office?

At least you get paid.

Housework is just
as tough as your job,

And I don't get a
dime. I want a divorce!

All right, jennifer.

If you can't play nicely,
let's not play at all, ok?

That's all right, andy.
We don't need her.

Hey, alex. Hey, there's my guy.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi.

Hey, what's this patch?

Uh, that's nothing.

"I know how to
itemize deductions."

Boy, they're really
moving ahead quickly there.

Mom, dad, sit down.

Something very bad
is going to happen now.

Just hear me out before
you say anything, ok?

This is worse than we thought.

Andy withdrew from
preschool today.

What?

And I want to tell you
something. I admire him for it.

Ok. All right. All right.
Andy didn't withdraw.

I withdrew him.

But that preschool
wasn't for him.

He was picking up a
lot of bad habits there.

Alex, the harper preschool
is one of the best in the area.

It's a humanistic
approach to child care

Based on affection, mutual
understanding, and respect.

Granted, you have no
regard for these things,

But other members of our
species cling blindly to them.

I'm gonna call mrs. Kluger.

There's no way she could've
taken any of this seriously.

All right. Look, I'm sorry things
turned out the way they did.

But you have to
understand one thing.

I only did what I did

Because I thought
it was best for andy.

I love that kid.

I'd never do
anything to hurt him.

All right, alex.

But you have to
understand one thing.

We're his parents.
And this is our decision.

You're right.

Hey, you're right.

Wait a minute.
You've got mallory.

You've got jennifer.

You've got carte
blanche on them.

Do whatever you want. I'll
even throw in skippy if you want.

But andrew...

Andrew's mine.

Well, if he throws in skippy...

Steven!

Good morning, andrew.

Good morning, alex.

Both: good morning, mrs. Kluger.

It's nice to see you
back at school, andy.

I think mrs. Kaufman's
waiting for you.

Go ahead, andy. Be strong.

Mrs. Kluger, I'm,
uh, sorry about

What happened yesterday.
I was way out of line,

And I shouldn't have told
you how to run your school.

I get a little emotional
when it comes to andy.

Well, would you like to stay
and watch him play for a while?

Actually, I can't. I got to go.

Thanks, anyway. All
right. Have a nice day.

Ok. This morning, we're
really gonna have fun.

Let's pretend that we're
going to run a little business.

Business?

Now, what should we sell?

Turtles.

Turtles.

The turtle market's
been depressed since ' .

Now, if we're gonna
have a turtle store,

We have to decide how
much to sell the turtles for.

Now, what do you
think, everybody?

For free.

Oh. Well, that is very
nice of you, rhonda.

We won't charge
anything for the turtles.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

At that rate, you're gonna
be out of business by nap time.

Uh, would you excuse me, please?

Now, what's the first thing

We need for our store?

Turtles.

Turtles. That's
exactly right, andy.

Once we have turtles, I
guess we're ready to open up.

No, come on. Wait. Look.
There are a million decisions

To be made here. [Giggling]

First of all, what kind of
turtles are you gonna sell?

Myself, I'd suggest dividing the
stock up in the following manner...

% Disposable turtles...
Disposable turtles?

Yeah, you know, the kind that die
as soon as you bring them home.

And then, the other %,

I'd have those, you know,
those big sea turtles.

For soups.

But you need a store manager
to make these decisions.

Now, who wants to
be a store manager?

Oh! I see andrew keaton has his
hand up. I like a boy with initiative.

I got an idea. We
need co-managers.

Hey, michael, why don't you
and andy both manage the store?

Good. Great.

Ok. Now we need an
advertising campaign.

Rhonda, you ever
do any modeling?

Yes, and I have a dog.

Let's stick to business, rhonda.

O.k., We're gonna need
a picture, a photograph,

Of you and a turtle and a
sign saying, uh, what? What?

Uh, "welcome to
our grand opening.

Come out of your shell sale."

Right? Ok. We're gonna need a
sign. Who wants to paint a sign?

Excuse me, but I work here.

Fabulous. Get some
paints, will you?

And... Some red, white,
and blue decorations.

O.k., Now we're gonna
need a business manager

To help us avoid paying taxes.

What's taxes?

A tax is a terrible...

Hairy... Liberal monster...

With big teeth.

[Growls] [laughter]

And the only thing...

The only thing that can
stop the terrible tax monster

Is a republican.

Who wants to be a republican?

Whoa! [Laughter]

Oh. What's all this? Oh,
it's very simple, elyse.

The back-to-school
breakfast didn't work.

We just switch gears and try

The back-to-school dinner.

But the kids have been back
to school for over a week now.

So, they've had time
to work up an appetite.

See you later.

Ok. Hey, where are you going?

I'm having dinner
at chrissy's house.

You said I could go last week.

This is a school
night, jennifer.

Shouldn't you be staying
home and studying?

I finished studying. And
anyway, I got a on my first test.

I would've gotten , except
that I put mandalay down

As the capital of burma
instead of rangoon.

And you expect us to
just overlook that?

Hi. Hi. Hi.

Hey, mal, skip.

Mallory, it's not your fault.
You did everything you could.

Ah, thanks, skippy. And don't
worry. You'll get over it.

What happened?
Well, I got an "f"

On my philosophy paper. I
couldn't prove that skippy existed.

Well, maybe I'll just
go back to the lab

And the other rats. At
least I was accepted there.

Bye-bye.

Well, I hope you're hungry, mal.

We're planning a big dinner.

Um, I can't, dad. Nick and I
are going to an art exhibit.

It starts in half an
hour. See you later.

Well, here we
are again, elyse...

You, me, and huge
amounts of food.

Hey. Hey. Hi, boys.

Hey, alex. Hi, sweetheart.

Andy.

Hey. How were your classes?

I don't know. I didn't make it.

I spent the whole day
at preschool with andy.

Why? Was there a problem?

He's still enrolled, isn't he?

Yeah, he's still enrolled.
As a matter of fact,

He got his report card today.

"Doesn't get along
with other children,

Has a tendency to try to
run every activity his own way."

What? Wait a
minute. That's mine.

Oh.

No... Here's andy's
right here. Oh.

Oh. Well, yeah. "Andy
is a delightful boy

"Who's very popular
with the other children.

It's a pleasure having
him in the class."

That's wonderful, andy.

Maybe I wasn't completely in the
right on this whole preschool thing.

I mean, sure, they do some
things differently than I would,

But on the whole, there's a whole
lot of love and affection there.

With the proper supervision
and the right guest speakers,

Those kids could learn a lot.

Guest speakers?

I'm gonna be lecturing
there once a week.

Uh, by the way, you're planning
on eating here tonight, aren't you?

Oh, dad, uh, listen. Andy and I were
gonna have dinner alone tonight,

Kind of a brothers evening.
That's all right, isn't it?

[Sniffs] fine. Fine.

I'll just put this in the
back-to-school freezer.

I'll eat it.

You're gonna eat hamburgers,
lasagna, and a rack of lamb, elyse?

Well, not all at one sitting.

Hey, andy.

Sorry I ruined your
first week in preschool.

It's just that you're
my only brother.

I get a little crazy
when it comes to you,

'Cause I know that you are
destined for greatness...

The same way that jennifer
is destined for greatness,

The way I'm destined
for greatness,

And, uh, mallory's destined
to be cared for by the state.

But you can go at
your own pace, ok?

I'm not gonna push you too hard.

If you ever need any
advice, come to me.

If you ever need anything, come
to your big brother, all right?

Just don't ask me

To b*at up anybody for
you once you get past .

Alex loves me.

You bet he does.

Uhh. Let's go get
some burgers, huh?

Oh. Andy.

You drive.

Sit, ubu, sit.

Good dog. [Woof]