05x03 - The Freshman and the Senior

[bunniefuu]

♪ I bet we've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I
started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember ♪

♪ What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing ♪

♪ We can't love
each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ Sha la la la ♪♪

Ok, andy, what's this?

Doggy.

Horsey.

Tax-deferred bonds.

Yes.

That's my guy.

He's making excellent
progress, isn't he, alex?

Yeah, jen, you know,
when you were his age,

You were still trying to
calculate simple interest.

What a wonderful family scene.

I just hope you children
will remember these moments

After your mother and
I are dead and buried.

Glad you came in
to cheer us up, dad.

I'm sorry, kids.

I just came back from a
meeting with my lawyer.

He strongly advises
that I draw up a will.

Are you sick, dad?

No, no, jen. I'm fine.

He just thinks it's important
for your mother and I

To get our affairs in order

While we're still of sound
mind and good health.

This is depressing.

Yeah. Let's get out of here.

What? Maybe I should wait

Until your mother
comes home from new york

Before I do anything about this.

I don't know, dad.

Mom's architecture
convention lasts for a week.

You know, now is
the perfect time

For you to deal with this.

You know how mom hates
to discuss death or funerals

Or legal battles over
who gets what percentage

Of the deceased's
earthly possessions.

She's funny that way.

But you and me, pop,

We could have a good
time with this will thing.

You know, you're
interested in seeing

That your loved ones
are well taken care of.

And I'm concerned with
legal and fiscal matters

Pertaining to death.

This is going to be great!

Well, I'm glad we found
something to do together, son.

Andy's really upset
about this will talk.

Oh, hey, hey.

Tell him not to worry about it.

I'm handling the will now.

Just, uh...

Show him this figure.

That will put a
smile on his face.

Hi, everybody. Hey.

This is margaret hobbs.

She's a freshman
with me at grant.

We're doing a sociology
project together for class.

Well, that's terrific.

It's great to see someone

Going back to
school at your age.

I mean, um...

At your height.

Well, there are a lot
of us shorter people

Going back to
college these days.

Listen, margaret, we're going
to be working in the living room.

It's right through there.

Um, if you don't mind,

You can set up at the table.

I'll get us something to eat.

Great. Nice meeting you all.

You, too. Our pleasure.

So, what's your
project about, mal?

Um, contemporary sexual
attitudes of college students.

Grant college sounds like fun.

No, no, no. Forget it, jennifer.

No, you're not going there.

This family has already
sacrificed one of its young

To appease the god
of fake colleges.

Margaret seems
like a nice woman.

Yeah. She is.

What's the matter?

Oh, I don't know. I
just never thought

I'd be doing my first
college project

With somebody old.

I was really hoping to
work with holly parker.

I mean, I'm dying to
be friends with her.

Can't you be this holly's friend

Without being her
sociology partner?

Oh, no, she's a snob, dad.

She doesn't talk to
you unless she has to.

Sounds like a good
quality in a friend.

The worst part of it... She got
stuck with skippy as a project partner.

He'll probably scare
her out of the course,

And I'll never get to meet her.

Maybe you'll get to work
with holly on another project,

In another class.

Oh, come on, dad. Holly's the
most popular girl in school.

She's failing every course.

How long do you think
she's going to be there?

It is so exciting

To be sitting here doing
our homework together.

The last time I did
homework was...

.

I had to write a paper on
whether or not roosevelt

Would keep us out of the w*r.

Did he?

Our paper should prove
a little more interesting.

sex and the college student.

Um, margaret,
I've been thinking.

If this topic makes you
feel uncomfortable,

I'm sure professor connors
would give us another one.

Why should it make
me uncomfortable?

Well, the subject
matter... I mean...

Oh, believe me, mallory.

I'm perfectly comfortable

Talking about sex.

I approve of sex. I like sex.

I remember sex.

Well, what should we
do to start the project?

Well, I was thinking we
should draw up a questionnaire

And pass it around the school.

That's a good idea.

What kind of questions
do you want to ask?

We could start with,

"Are you sexually active?

And if so, how often
do you have sex?"

You sure you don't
want to change topics?

I mean, that roosevelt
paper sounded really great.

Do you still have it?

You know, mallory,

You're about the only
person who's talked to me

At grant college.

Well, you know, it's a
little tough at first,

But I'm sure you'll
make lots of friends.

Yes.

I'm hoping to meet holly parker.

I hear once you're
in with her, you're in.

Well, I know.

I was hoping holly
could be my sociology...

Friend, too.

Oh.

Well, now we've got each other.

You're my first college friend.

I am?

You can show me
the ropes a little bit...

You know, bring me up to date
on any new research techniques

And study guides
and test preparation.

I haven't really gotten

Too deeply into those things.

Let's meet in the student
union for lunch tomorrow.

Is : ok?

Uh, yeah, fine.

Well, we better get
back to the project.

Ok.

What other questions do
you want to ask on our survey?

Um, "when did you
lose your virginity?"

All right, let's take a break.

[Hums death march]

Alex, I thought you were
going on a picnic with julie barr.

Canceled it, dad.

It's going to be a lot more
fun to stay here with you

And work on your will.

We just want you to
know that andy and I

Don't want any part
of this will business.

Oh, speak for yourself, jen.

Andy's asked me to represent
him in this will matter.

Andy, tell dad what
you gave me this morning.

Power of attorney.

If you need him
to sign anything,

He'll be on the monkey bars.

Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

What's the matter?

Well, it's just a
little sloppy, dad.

I mean, you got
to be very careful

When you're drafting
a legal document.

If your language is the
slightest bit imprecise,

This will can be challenged.

That's why I got you
this little guide here

To help you with
your preparations.

burying your parents for profit.

Thank you, alex.

Does this book
come with a shovel?

Come on, dad.

Don't let the title
throw you off.

This is chock full

Of some very sensible
financial advice.

In fact, I used it

To draw up this sample will...

Which, uh, which I think
you'll find very helpful.

Alex, do we have to do this now?

Oh, come on, dad. It'll be fun.

It'll be fun.

One of those special
father-son moments

We'll look back on fondly.

Or at least I will.

"According to
this general guide,

"All keaton property is divided
up in the following manner...

" % Of all assets
go to alex keaton,

"To be distributed to
andrew, mallory, and jennifer

As the aforementioned
alex sees fit."

This is just off
the top of my head.

All right, alex,

I'll give this my
utmost consideration.

You promise? Promise.

Cross your heart
and hope to die?

Not literally.

I'm not sure we have all
the books we need, mallory.

Margaret, we have more
books than the library now.

If anyone wants to know
something about sociology,

They're going to
have to come here.

Well, it's going to
take us a little while

To get through all these.

You know, we may have
to pull an all-nighter.

Well, the paper's not
due for three weeks.

I don't think we have
to stay up all night.

Oh, but it could be fun.

We could order a pizza, gossip,

And do each other's hair.

Uh, no. I mean, I
don't think so.

I've got other courses
to take care of.

Oh, ok. I'll call you
tomorrow about our project.

Tomorrow's saturday.

I don't like to think
on the weekends.

All right. Till monday then.

Monday.

Ok.

Hello. Hello, skippy.

abientot.

Skippy, I am so
glad you're here.

You've got to do me a big favor.

Well, you know, I'd do
anything for you, mallory,

Especially if it involves

You and me joined
together in wedded bliss.

I want you to trade

Sociology partners with me.

I don't know.

Who's your partner?

Margaret hobbs.

The old lady?

She's not that old, skippy.

She's only .

She's . That's in dog years.

Oh, come on, skippy.
You got to do this for me.

I can't take it anymore.

It seems like she wants
to spend every minute

Working on the project with me,

And I don't have the time.

It'd be different
for you, skippy.

It'd be nice for you to
have someone to talk to.

What makes you
think she'll talk to me?

And besides, I don't
think professor connors

Would appreciate us
just switching partners.

No, we better not.

Ok, skippy, fine. Fine!

I'm warning you, though,
this is the last time

I'm going to try and take
unfair advantage of you.

Last time I'll try to use you.

From now on, I'll just treat
you like everybody else.

No. Anything but that.

I'd be lost.

Look, if it'll make you happy,

I'll do it, mallory.

You get holly parker.
I get the old lady.

Does she have a boyfriend?

Look, dad, I don't
mean to nit-pick,

I'm not sure you're aware

Of the latest innovations
and developments

In estate planning and wills.

Alex, I have all the
information I need right here.

And if I have any problems,

I can call the will
hot line number

You gave me.

All right, did you know

That you can decide
that certain individuals

Inherit money only if they
fulfill certain conditions

Which you prescribe?

Alex, that's ridiculous.

We're not going to place
conditions of inheritance

On our children.

Well, for example, you can state

That mallory doesn't get a penny

If she marries nick.

That's already in there.

Is mallory around?

I have to talk to her about
something very important.

Well, I'll tell her
you're here, skip.

I got to go upstairs

An get an estate
inheritance form w.

Hope I'm not out.

I hate to use the short form.

So what are you doing?

Well, I'm working
on my will, skipper.

So if there's anything
of ours you want,

You better ask for it now.

Well, mr. Keaton,

You know that you
possess the only thing

That could make me complete,

That could give
me true happiness...

Your daughter mallory.

I'm afraid she's not
ours to give away, skip.

Then how about
that neat clock radio

In the living room?

Yeah, skippy, what is it?

Oh, uh, mallory,

I need my old
sociology partner back.

Margaret quit.

She quit? Why?

She said it was
nothing personal,

But she didn't feel
that she belonged

In the class anymore.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Neither do i.

That makes four project
partners I've lost in a week.

There's the one I traded to you,

Margaret,

And the two that
mysteriously disappeared

When they found out
they were working with me.

I'm like the bermuda
triangle of project partners.

This is terrible.

When I asked margaret
to change partners,

I didn't think she'd
react like this.

I feel so guilty.

Why did you decide to
stop working with her?

Just because of
the age difference?

Well, that's part of it.

I mean, dad, I
wouldn't have minded

If she was years older
than me or years older,

Or even as old as you, dad.

I think that should
count against her

In the will.

Mallory, I don't
think margaret's age

Should be a problem
if she can do the work.

I think an older
person could bring

New insight to the project.

Yeah. Old people can be
really interesting, mallory.

I have an aunt
who's years old.

And we get along great.

I get along fine with
older people, skippy,

But this is different.

You don't have to go to school

And do a sociology
project with your aunt.

You don't have to discuss

Issues like birth control
and virginity with your aunt.

We don't have to. We
do it because we enjoy it.

[Knock on door]

Oh.

Mallory.

Hi.

Can I come in?

Yes. Come in.

Thanks. I'm really
glad you're home.

I wanted to talk to you.

Um, skippy said you
dropped the class.

Yes, I did.

You know, I really
like that skippy.

I'm happy the two of
you are getting engaged.

We broke that off

When we were months old.

He's just taking a little longer

To get over it.

Well, that's too bad.

Um, listen, margaret,

I'd really like you
to come back to class

And be my partner.

No, thank you.

Um, I know I shouldn't have
switched partners in the first place,

But I was just a
little uncomfortable

Because of the age difference.

But I'm over that now.

Mallory,

Obviously you didn't
want to work with me,

So you switched partners.

I can take it.

Look, I feel responsible.

And you want me to
tell you it's all right,

Don't you?

Well, I can't do that
for you, mallory,

Because it's not all right.

I mean, you really hurt
and embarrassed me.

Why did you do it, mallory?

Um, well, I just thought it
would be better for you.

I mean, skippy said...

Be honest with me.

All right. I didn't
enjoy working with you.

Partially it's because I wanted
to work with holly parker,

And partially
because it felt strange

Working with
someone old... Older.

Old is fine.

Margaret, put
yourself in my position.

I'm starting college.

I'm not a very good student.

It's all I can do to keep
my head above water.

And then you come along and
you expect us to be best friends.

It was one more
pressure I didn't need.

You're not the only one
who's under pressure.

Try going back to college
when you're years old.

Try taking notes in class

When you can barely see the page

Because you left
your bifocals at home.

I mean, try asking
directions to the bookstore

And having everyone treat
you like you're a lost child...

"Oh, the bookstore
is across campus.

Would you like me
to walk you there?"

I mean, I'm completely
different from everyone else.

I don't know how to act,

I don't know how to talk,

I don't know how to dress.

Oh, I could help you with that.

Mallory, I'm sorry I was
such a burden on you,

And it was my fault.

It was my mistake to look to you

To help me.

All right.

I will spend more time working
on the project with you,

And you can come back to class

And we'll do the
project together.

I don't need your
charity, mallory.

It's not charity.

I just don't think you
should drop the class.

I think I'm old enough to
make that decision by myself.

I think you're making a mistake.

I'm dropping the class, mallory.

I'm sorry.

Let's go over this inventory
of assets one more time.

Item ...

The jade necklace.

Ok.

You know the whereabouts
of this necklace?

I believe it's still
on aunt ethel's neck.

Her claim to this
necklace is very shaky, dad.

This was grandmother
keaton's necklace.

Now, you have as
much right to it

As aunt ethel does.

You're right, alex. Let's
go over to the rest home.

You hold her down,

I'll see...

I'll see if I can
rip it off her neck.

You're fighting me on
everything here, dad.

I am just trying to get your
affairs in order, that's all.

I appreciate that,

I just don't want to
have to come to blows

With aunt ethel
if I can help it.

She is big.

Hi.

Hi.

How did it go with margaret?

Awful.

She doesn't want to
come back to class, alex.

And she's really mad at me.

I feel terrible.

I need someone close to talk to.

Do you know how I
can get a hold of mom

At the architecture convention?

Hey. Hey, wait a minute.

Mal... Mally.

This is me. This is alex.

This is your brother,
your confidant.

I didn't mean to
offend you, alex.

I'm just used to talking to mom

About sensitive issues.

Yeah.

Ahem.

I know I'm not mom.

But I do know one thing...

When you get hurt emotionally,

Or even if you
hurt somebody else,

It just reminds you

How fragile and
insecure we all really are,

And how much we
count on each other

For support and encouragement.

That was really beautiful, alex.

Thank you, mal.

Mom wrote it down for me.

In case dad was out

And something sensitive came up.

I did mention how
fragile and insecure...

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, ok.

[Knock on door]

Coming.

Oh, hey, margaret.

Hi. Come in. Come in.

Thank you.

I hope I'm not interrupting
something important.

Margaret, don't be silly.

Listen, I understand

You're feeling a little down.

Well, uh...

I know I'm not mom.

Alex!

I can't stay long.

I've got a date
waiting in the car.

Oh, great. Well, I'm
glad you came by.

Oh, mallory, I was...

I was thinking about
what you said today

In my apartment

And, well, all the
pressures you're under,

And i...

I realized I wasn't
very understanding.

No. I was wrong.

I'm sorry, margaret.
I apologize.

So was i.

I was so busy telling you
what it was like to be old,

I forgot what it
was like to be young.

It doesn't feel so
great right now.

Margaret, I don't know
why I acted so selfishly.

I'm not going to make
any excuses for myself.

I just want you to know

That I respect what
you're trying to do.

I think it takes a
lot of courage.

It took me a long time

To get up the courage

To... To go back to school.

You look at me and
you see an old woman.

But inside, I'm still...

I still feel like a little girl

Going to her first
day of school.

I'm scared, mallory.

And if I was pushing too hard

For a friend...

I mean, for someone
to make me feel like

I belong at grant,

It's because I really need one.

I'll be your friend, margaret.

Thank you, mallory.

Will you come back to the class?

I think I'll give
it another sh*t.

Oh, good.

I called skippy and
told him we're on again.

I'm comfortable with him.

He's even more out
of place than I am.

I'm so glad you're
coming back, margaret.

So am i.

Great.

Margaret, honey.

We have : reservations.

Coming, skipper.

You had your chance.

Man: sit, ubu, sit.

Good dog. [Dog barks]