05x05 - Beauty and the Bank

[bunniefuu]

♪ I bet we've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I
started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember ♪

♪ What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing ♪

♪ We can't love
each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ Sha la la la ♪

Excuse me. I'm here
to see mr. Heaney.

Alex keaton. I have
an appointment.

Hi, I'm rebecca ryan.

Mr. Heaney's expecting you.

He's going to be
back in just a minute.

Ah, well. Thank you, dear.

Our computer is down,

And he went to get
today's opening prices

On the german mark
and the english pound.

Oh, it's . For the pound

And the mark up / to . .

Well, I never leave the house

Without the day's
exchange rates.

Feel naked.

Well, we'll certainly know who
to call in the future, won't we?

Oh, listen, do you think you
or one of the other girls

Can round me up a cup of coffee?

The other girls are
busy, but I'll get it.

Oh, thanks.

And a little piece of danish.

Certainly.

You're a doll.

Good morning, alex.
Glad you could come back.

Oh, mr. Heaney. Thank you.

I'm pleased to be here.

Well, alex, why be coy?

This meeting is
just a formality.

We've seen your résumé.
We know you're brilliant.

You're obviously the
best man for the job.

My sentiments exactly.

Rarely have I seen a young
man with your lust for money

Who is not in jail.

Thank you, sir.

That means a lot to me.

Here you go, alex.

Oh, thanks, hon.

Oh, I see you've met ms. Ryan.

Oh, becky?

Yeah, becky and
I are old friends.

I think you'll enjoy
working for her, too.

Working... For her?

Yes.

Ms. Ryan's our vice president
and operations manager

And the person in charge
of the internship program.

She'll be your boss.

Cream and sugar?

He's all yours, rebecca.

Mold him in your image.

You're my boss?

Mm-hmm. Surprise.

Well, I mean, naturally
I assumed that...

Look, you look more like a
model than a vice president.

Thank you.

Now, what I think you
should start with first

Is familiarize yourself
with our procedure manual.

And then i...

What are you smiling at?

Well, you look so cute
when you're giving orders.

Once you've done that,

I'd like you to give me
a written assessment

Of the different
operating procedures.

And then I'd like you
to inspect our various...

Am I being cute again?

Very.

Well, you'll get used to it.

Let's go. Thank you.

They got to be kidding.

Ohh!

Well, uh...

Either you got that bank job,

Or richard nixon has
re-entered politics.

I got the job!

Whoa! Congratulations!

That's great, alex.

Now you can balance
my checkbook.

Mallory, I'm a banker,
I'm not a magician.

Well, exactly what kind of work

Are you going to be
doing down there?

Everything, mom, everything.

Ms. Ryan was really
impressed with me.

She's having me cross-trained
in every facet of the operation.

Ms. Ryan?

Yeah, my boss.

Your boss is a woman?

I know what you're
thinking. And you're wrong.

Having a woman for a boss

Is not going to be
a problem for me.

You want jennifer and me to boss
you around a little to get used to it?

I'll call you if I need you.

Ok.

Come on, alex, I'm a
little disappointed.

I thought you'd be
a little more upset

To find out your
boss was a woman.

No, mom. You do me
a grave injustice.

Alex p. Keaton welcomes
a woman as a boss.

Especially a cute little
tomato like that miss ryan.

I've waited your
whole life for this.

Make me happy.

Tell your mom it's k*lling you.

Mom... It's going to
be a piece of cake.

Look, I'm going to
help ms. ryan out.

I'm going to guide her through

The complex world
of high finance.

I mean, I'll throw in a few sensitive
comments every now and then.

By the end of the week, I'm
gonna be running the bank.

Ms. Ryan is going to be
running the vacuum cleaner.

If that wasn't clever enough,

I convinced him

To convert all the interest
in his money market fund

Into muni bonds...

Take advantage of
his income tax situation

Using code -a of
the new state tax laws.

What is going on here?

Oh!

Uh... Just, uh...
Guy talk. Guy talk.

You know... Banking,
money, finance.

You wouldn't be interested.

Well, thanks for sparing me.

I get so confused when
you big, strong men

Start talking about
things with numbers.

I'm just kidding you.

You know, a
pretty girl like you,

You should smile more.

Show some teeth.

My office.

Now.

Oh! Allow me.

You know, that's a really nice
outfit you're wearing today.

Goes well with the money.

Whoa.

Alex, I just finished reading
your report you wrote for me

Concerning our
operating procedures.

I had a little problem with it.

Oh, really?

Gee, I tried not to
make it too technical.

I tried to keep it
as simple as I could.

Let me quote you here.

"See spot visit the bank.

"See spot apply for a car loan.

Apply spot, apply."

Yeah, that's it.
Where did I lose you?

I also read the report that
you wrote for mr. Heaney,

Which was extremely well
thought out and comprehensive.

There was some valid criticism

And some really
interesting suggestions.

My report contained
recipes, diet tips,

And carpet swatches.

I know what makes
you gals happy.

This report is incredibly
patronizing and offensive.

Just who do you think
you're dealing with?

It may shock you to know
that I have a full grasp

Of the english language.

And I happen to know a lot
more about banking than you do.

Well...

All right. Let's just see
how sharp you really are. Sit.

Do you know what a
tax-deferred account is?

Of course, it's when taxes aren't
charged till the end of the term.

How about a keogh?

Yes, that's a retirement plan
for self-employed persons

With a minimum balance of $ .

Kelvin bonds?

I've heard of those.

I have had it up to here

With guys like you.

I am tired of
coddling you refugees

From the women's movement

Who cannot accept the fact
that women are as good as men.

Well, let me tell
you something, toots.

There's nothing you can do

That I can't do better.

Oh, really?

Name it. I could throw a
football farther than you.

I could play chess
better than you.

I could outrun you. I
could out-wrestle you.

I can outbox you.

Oh, yeah?

I'm not afraid.
Come on. Right now.

Get out those chess pieces.

I don't like your
attitude, keaton.

I want a new report from you.

And I want it to be the best
report you've ever written.

And I want it on
my desk by tuesday.

'Cause if it's not there,
pal, you're out on your ear.

Got it?

Yes, ma'am.

Miss ryan... Sir.

Come on. Keaton.
You got to loosen up.

Good-looking fella like
you should smile more.

Show some teeth.

Hey.

Hi, alex.

Sorry I'm late. What a day.

Full load of classes
in the morning

And then an afternoon
with rebecca the hun.

You're still not getting
on any better with ms. ryan?

Oh, mom, she's driving me nuts.

All she does is boss
me around all day.

Well, alex. She's your boss.

Well, it's the way she does it.

She seems to be
deliberately picking on me.

I mean, nothing I do is
good enough for her.

I didn't think it would be
possible to be unhappy in a bank,

But it's happened.

Money isn't fun anymore.

Have you tried talking to her?

Oh, mom, I've
tried everything...

Candy, perfume.

I even sent her flowers.

All she does is laugh at me.

She challenged me
to an arm wrestle.

I love this woman.

Yeah, well, I'm at
my wits' end here.

I have tried every rational
approach to this problem.

I'm ready to try
something irrational.

Mal.

Well, what sign is she?

Moving along.

Alex, your problem is
that you just don't listen

To what women have to say.

I mean, every time a
woman says something,

You completely ignore them.

Maybe I should talk
to dad about this.

You know the worst part, mom?

The worst part is, I
really could have liked her.

I mean, under different
circumstances, who knows?

But she's got this
attitude problem.

It sounds like the attitude
problem is yours, not hers.

[Scoffs] [telephone rings]

I got it.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Hello.

Ms. Ryan.

Well, thank you.

I'm glad you liked it.

It means a lot for me to
hear you praise my work.

[Scoffs]

I like that. Ok, I'll be
right over. Good-bye.

She, um, she really liked the new
evaluation report I did for her.

She wants me to come
down to the bank right now

And discuss some
of my suggestions.

Sounds like a good chance
to get on better terms.

You know, she was
actually civil to me

On the phone right there.

I don't know.

Maybe you guys were right.

Maybe I've been the
problem all along.

He does have his moments.

This report is
really first-rate.

There's a lot of
innovative ideas.

It's clear. It's concise.

It's intelligent

And only one recipe included.

Well, I didn't want you to think

I'd come around completely.

Alex, I'm afraid we got
off to a really rocky start.

I was hoping maybe this report
could be a new beginning for us.

I'd welcome that.

Ok. Let's get to work, then.

All right, listen,
before we get started...

I want to apologize for
my attitude last week.

You were in charge here.

I didn't treat you with
the proper respect.

I'm sorry.

I can't tell you how glad I
am to hear you say that, alex.

I accept your apology.

Thank you, miss ryan.

Alex, please, call me rebecca.

Ooh, I don't know
if I could do that.

I mean, I'm not that bold.

It's not in my nature.

Really, please, it's ok.

Ok, rebecca.

I'm going to use it sparingly.

You know, rebecca...

These past few
weeks, while difficult,

Have been a real learning
experience for me.

Rebecca...

I have never known anybody

Who knew as much
about money as I do.

I have always been interested
in money, same as you.

While the other girls
were playing with dolls,

I was busy trying to make gold
by melting down barbie's hair.

So was your dad a banker, too?

No, actually, he was an artist.

Ooh, I'm sorry.

You know...

These are the first
personal words

We've ever exchanged.

I mean, this is like the
first time we've ever talked.

You know, I must confess
that even when we were at odds,

I couldn't help but
like you a little bit.

Yeah, I know.

It's hard to
totally not like me.

I'm gonna go get
last week's printouts.

I'm really glad we're
going to get along.

This is great.

She is great.

I'm great.

We're great together.

Is it just me,

Or is there something
great going on?

You are an irresistible guy.

She's a gorgeous girl.

It does not take a mathematician

To see what this adds up to.

Face it, keaton, she wants you.

She is being competitive

To channel her desires

Into socially
acceptable outlets.

Like arm wrestling,
kick boxing...

She can't keep her hands off me.

She can't keep her feet off me.

Here we go.

We should start
with new accounts.

Isn't this great?

The greatest.

You know, there's
something about a bank

In the moonlight.

Golly, here we are,
locked in here alone.

All that money is
right behind that door.

It's exciting, isn't it?

Yeah.

That was a mistake, wasn't it?

I can't believe you did that.

I thought that's what
you wanted me to do.

I mean, you invite a
guy to a bank at night.

I mean, what did
you expect me to do,

Open a savings account?

This is a business
relationship, period.

Yeah, well, I don't have business
relationships with women, ok?

It's unnatural.

Hey, dad.

Oh, hi, alex.

What are you doing up?

Oh, I'm making some
cocoa for andy.

He's having a little
trouble falling asleep.

Daddy's cocoa...

Both: not available
in any store.

I used to make it for you

On those nights when
you were a little upset.

Say you'd only gotten a
on a test or something,

You'd be up in your bed crying.

It used to calm you down.

Yeah, I remember.

We'd stay up all night,
talk about politics.

Then I'd start crying.

Well, how did things go
at the bank with miss ryan?

What happened?

I don't know, dad. I don't know.

I make one little mistake.
She blows up at me.

What did you do?

Well, it started out fine.

She complimented me.

I complimented her.

We talked about our
childhoods, families.

We could not have been happier.

Well, that doesn't sound
like much of a mistake.

Then I kissed her.

Ooh.

Men cannot work with women, dad.

Not with the woman as a boss.

Especially not a pretty woman.

Alex, that's ridiculous.

I mean, who started this
women's movement, anyway?

I mean, years ago
everything was great.

Right? Men worked.
Women stayed at home.

Everyone knew who was boss.

Everyone was happy.

The next thing you
know, it's the sixties.

You turn around... There's
a women's movement.

I was born too late, dad.

I should have been
born in the fifties.

Even then, you'd be a little
on the conservative side.

The s.

Even then, you'd be a little
on the conservative side.

[Knock on door]

Yeah?

Hi, I'm rebecca ryan.

Oh, yes. Of course, come in.

It's not too late, is it?

Oh, no, not at all. Please...

Cocoa?

No, thanks.

Dad, I'm waiting.

Ok, but you know the rules,

Only three pitches
after midnight.

Four.

Four. Ok, ok.

If you followed
me home to fire me,

You wasted a trip.

I quit.

Alex, I don't want you to quit.

Ok.

You quit.

Alex, we have a very
real problem here.

Now, you are too valuable to
the bank for me to let you go.

You're also much too
annoying for me to let you stay.

You see my problem?

Well...

Analyzing this on a
cost/benefit basis,

The question is this...

Am I more valuable
than annoying?

I know that's a question
my family's been asking...

For some time now.

Well, what did
they come up with?

They're split.

Alex, why is it so hard for
you to deal with the fact

That I'm an intelligent
woman and I'm your boss?

Look, I think I'm
handling it very well.

I don't know. I guess I
always think of women

In one of three ways.

Comforting,
nurturing, like my mom.

Irritating and
irrational, like my sisters.

And romantic prospects.

Which is everybody else.

There is another category, alex.

Oh, yeah? What's that?

Friends.

How can we be friends?

We don't really trust each other

We don't really
communicate with each other.

We don't really
understand each other.

But we have something else

That is even more
important than that.

We have something that
transcends these common bounds

And bonds us in a way
that nothing else can.

What's that?

Money.

We both love money.

We adore money.

We can't get enough of it.

I love when the bills get old.

So soft and crinkly,

I'd make a pillow out of them.

Oh, what about new bills?

Crisp bills that don't
have a fold in them yet.

Oh, there is nothing like
the smell of new money.

The smell of new
money on a rainy day.

A little fire going...

Ahh. Ahh.

Love that green.

I think our relationship
can be as strong

As the dollar itself.

I'm really... I'm
really, really sorry.

So what do we do now?

Well, what do you say we
find a level of friendship

That's comfortable
for both of us?

Well, are you sure that
you want to work with me?

I mean, I have been
this way a long time.

I'm not sure I can change.

You'll be fine,

And we'll be friends
for a really long time.

You'll see.

How do you know?

Just call it boss' intuition.

So I'll see you at
: tomorrow?

Sure thing.

Boss.

Man: sit, ubu, sit. Good dog.

[Dog barks]