05x09 - My Brother's Keeper

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Ties". Aired: September 22, 1982 - May 14, 1989.*
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Set in suburban Columbus, Ohio during the Reagan administration, Steven and Elyse Keaton are baby boomers, liberals and former hippies, raising their three children: ambitious, would-be millionaire entrepreneur Alex; fashion-conscious, gossipy Mallory; and tomboy Jennifer.
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05x09 - My Brother's Keeper

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ I bet we've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

♪ And I bet we'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I
started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

♪ And I can't remember ♪

♪ What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothing ♪

♪ We can't love
each other through ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us ♪

♪ Sha la la la ♪♪

What are you writing, jen?

Nothing. Just a poem

For the school magazine.

How's it coming?

Ok, I guess.

I'm just stuck on this one line.

Well, maybe I can help.

You know, I don't like to brag,

But in grade school, I used
to be quite a poet myself.

They used to call me
"iambic pentameter" keaton.

That's a fabulous nickname, dad.

Well, come on, jen, read
me what you've got so far.

Come on.

Ok.

"The gray world spins.

"We are adrift in
the empty universe.

"Lost.

"Depressed.

"Nothing in sight.

"Nothing.

"Nothing.

Nothing."

It's cute.

Maybe we should put it
on our christmas cards.

Well, sure, it's cute,

But isn't it a
little depressing?

Jen, a girl your age

Should be writing about flowers

And sunshine and rainbows.

Dad, I want to show
the alienation of mankind

Confronted with the
horror of the industrial age.

Ok, but, I'm sure there's
a nicer way to do it.

Good evening.

There are my guys. Alex.

Hey, alex, did you take
first place in a horse show?

For your information, jennifer,

This medal distinguishes
me as member

Of the leland university
fraternity council.

Gives me jurisdiction
over fraternity matters

On the leland campus.

It is a big deal.

Hey, tell them what
they call me, andy.

Um...

A pompous fool.

No, no, no.

Not those guys in
the pickup truck.

The guys in the house

With the big
greek letters on it.

Mr. Big.

Alex, did you have him

Over at the
fraternity house again?

Just for a minute.
Just for a minute.

We stopped in to see the guys.

I don't like him
hanging around there.

He's picking up some bad habits.

What bad habits?

Mom, he saw what
college is all about.

He saw people reading.
He saw people studying.

He saw people engaged in the
scholarly pursuit of knowledge.

What else did you see, andy?

Girls. Beer.

What an imagination
this little guy has got.

Come on, andy. Put
your beer mug away.

It's time for sesame street.

Guess what?

I've been asked to
pledge six sororities.

Mallory, that's wonderful.

How are you going to choose?

Well, I don't know.

See, phi kappa gamma
is the most prestigious.

It's the hardest to get into,

And they have the
best list of alumni,

But their colors
are all wrong for me.

How'd it go for you, skip?

I didn't have any luck with
the fraternities I liked,

But there are a few cult
groups interested in me.

Look, skippy, cheer up, ok.

It's not so bad.

Alex, that's easy
for you to say.

Look, you belong to
a great fraternity.

I'd do anything to be in
a fraternity like yours.

Well, skip, i, uh, I hate
to see you down like this.

I'll tell you what,

I'll take you over to the
grant chapter of my fraternity.

I'll introduce you
to a couple of guys.

Oh, wow, alex.

Hey, skip, I can't
promise you anything.

I can't promise
you I can get you in.

Thank you, alex, I
really appreciate this.

Yo, fancy pants,

This is members only
territory. Vamoose.

Yeah. I'm alex p. Keaton.

I'm from the leland
chapter of theta pi.

Oh, sorry. Brian elliot.

I'm president of
the grant chapter.

Honk. Honk.

Hey, I'm dave dubin.

I want to be the president
of the grant chapter.

Honk. Honk.

So, how can we help you, keaton?

Well, actually, fellas,
I'm hear to talk to you

About a prospective pledge.

Terrific. What's his name?

Handleman... Irwin handleman.

Uh, listen, keaton,

We'd really like
to help you out,

But you've got to understand,

We have standards here.

I mean, skippy handleman's

Just about the
nerdiest guy on campus.

Yeah, well, I know
that from afar,

He may appear that way,

But you've got to meet this guy.

I mean, he's very impressive.

He almost got
accepted into harvard.

Oh, yeah. He was just
short one credit in biology

And points on the s.a.t.s.

Boy, that is close.

[Doorbell rings]

Well, that's
probably skippy now.

Listen, can you guys do me a
favor and interview him now?

Sure, what are brothers for?

Hey, hey.

Honk. Honk.

Hi. Dave dubin.

Hi. I'm skippy handleman.

Hey, skip.

Those are for you,

And there's plenty more
where that came from,

If you know what I mean.

Please, take me.

You've got to take me. Please.

Hi, skippy. Brian elliot.

I'm president of theta pi.

Hello there, brian.

Well, handleman, alex
has told me a lot about you,

So we don't we get this
interview under way.

Yes!

Alex, please. You've
got to stay with me here.

I don't know if they can tell,

I'm a little nervous.

We'll keep it our
little secret, ok, skip?

Ok. For this interview,

We need your full name.

Irwin murray handleman.

But none of that's
written in stone.

Did you, uh, bring a
resume there, skip?

Of course.

Can you show it to them?

Uh, yes. Here is... My
courses are listed there,

And this is my
grade point average,

And, oh, this is an encouraging
letter of recommendation

From my mother.

You know, handleman,
I really don't think

We need to finish
this interview.

I think we know everything
we need to know about you.

You're definitely
theta pi material,

And we want you to
pledge the fraternity.

"So off he went to bluer sky,

"To sing a song or play a game.

"But 'ere he went,
he turned to cry,

robin red breast is my name."

"Can you guess,
or have you heard?

My little friend
is but... A bird."

I was only when I wrote this.

You were a real
child prodigy, dad.

Oh, jen, you're
just being stubborn.

I know this is a wonderful
poem. Right, elyse?

I don't like it.

Is your name elyse?

I was talking to your mother.

Ok, dad, I'll tell you what.

We'll write it together.

It doesn't have to be good.

Ok, jen, now let's take
another cr*ck at it.

The only thing I suggest is

If you have to use a
word like "depressed,"

Try to find a nice rhyme for it.

Like what?

How about "robin red breast"?

Mom.

Mom, mommy, you
are looking at a man

Who just did the impossible.

I mean, compared to this feat,

The alaskan pipeline
is a garden hose.

The eiffel tower,
it's a hat rack.

I got skippy handleman
into the best fraternity

On the grant college campus.

There's nothing I cannot do.

That's really good of you, alex.

You know how
important this is to skippy.

You know, mom, I was nervous
about going over there

And asking those
guys to do this for me,

But you should have seen them.

They were falling all over
themselves trying to please me.

You know, I forget how
powerful and omnipotent I am.

I got to write a note
to remind myself.

No, I'll remember.

I bet you will.

[Knock on door]

Hey.

Eric.

Alex.

Honk. Honk.

Brought over the
master list of the pledges.

Names, majors, their
parents' net income.

Hey, gimme, gimme, gimme.

I love going
through these lists.

Every chapter's showing
real growth and prosperity,

But we have a little problem
with the grant chapter.

But what do expect
with those bozos?

Yeah. What's the problem
with the grant chapter?

Oh, they're doing
the "big stooge" again.

Can you believe it?

Just like these guys to
do something like that.

What's the "big stooge"?

The "big stooge".

They pick out the
nerdiest guy they can find,

Lie to him, tell him they're actually
interested in his membership,

Then humiliate him for
a week during hazing,

And then not select him.

What, uh, what's the
name of this big stooge?

Um... Handleman.

Irwin handleman.

Skippy handleman.

What's the matter?

Irwin handleman, skippy
handleman, he's a friend of mine.

I've got to tell him.

Wait, you can't tell, alex.

I mean, that's against the code.

You'd be betraying
sacred fraternity trust.

I hate this "big stooge"
business just as much as you do,

But if you breathe a
word of this to handleman,

You're out of the fraternity.

Jen, I came up with a great
new ending to your poem...

Now, wait till you hear this.

The caterpillar
turns into a butterfly.

That's a stunning twist, dad.

But I real... I really don't
need that poem anymore.

I wrote another one.

Oh. Well, can I read it?

I tried to use some of the
phrases you suggested...

You know, the things
that rhyme and stuff.

Oh, good. Good. Well...

"I looked down at the car

"And felt depressed.

For under the tire
lay robin red breast."

Come on, jen. We
have work to do.

Mom, help.

It's a part of life, honey.

Hey, mom.

Hi. Did andy go
down to sleep ok?

Yeah, I read his
favorite bedtime story.

He was out cold

By the time nixon
left for china.

Alex, I can't believe skippy.

He's outside on the
lawn wearing a dress

Singing, "I am woman,
hear me roar."

It's a beautiful dress.

Yeah, yeah. It's, um,
initiation night at theta pi.

It's part of the ritual
to put on a fancy dress.

Well, I hope he doesn't
spill anything on it.

I'd like to borrow it.

He's really putting
his little heart into it.

Got to hand it to you,

It was really sweet of you
to get skippy into theta pi.

It's done amazing
things for him.

He's getting more
attention at school.

He's more confident.

It's just made a
world of difference.

You should be really
proud of yourself.

Nah.

No, I mean it.

Don't be modest, alex.

I mean, how many chances
do I get to compliment you?

Ok... Thanks.

Such a beautiful thing.

Skippy's your friend,

And you cared enough
to go the extra mile.

I mean, how many guys
would do something like that?

You're very special.

You're getting
on my nerves here.

What's the matter?

All right, mal, if I
tell you a secret,

You promise not to tell anyone?

Yes.

Now I mean it, mal.

I mean, this is important.

Alex, if I breathe a word of it,

May I pay retail for
the rest of my life.

All right.

Here it is.

Skippy's a big stooge.

Alex, that secret's out.

No. See, the truth is...

He's not really being
pledged into theta pi.

See, they're stringing
him along to humiliate him.

They call it "the big stooge."

Well, wait. Why would
skippy go through all this

If he knows he's not getting in?

He doesn't know.

What? You didn't tell him?

He's your friend! I
don't understand.

Look, it's very simple.
There is a code. Ok?

I swore an oath.

They'll throw me
out of the fraternity.

Well.

Tonight's the big night.

Aren't you going
to wish me luck?

Luck.

Mallory?

Skippy, I've been thinking.

Tonight would be
a good night for...

Us to go out on a date.

I... I'm sorry.

Mallory, it's breaking my heart.

But I have to say no.

See, theta pi is
the greatest thing

That ever happened to me.

Tonight's initiation
night. I can't miss that.

And this is the man
who made it all possible.

Right here, alex
keaton. Thank you, alex.

Hey, skip, come
on. It was nothing.

Well! Next time you see me,

I'll be a theta pi man.

Don't give me that
disapproving look.

What disapproving look?

This one.

The one you save for criminals

And people with
last year's haircut.

Alex.

I think you're a
little bit paranoid.

Skippy is better off this way.

I mean, you said it yourself.

You said he's getting a lot
more attention at school.

He's more confident.

He's dressing better.

He may not get
everything that he wants,

But he'll have a couple
weeks in the limelight

That he'll always remember.

You keep telling
yourself that, alex.

And maybe someday
you'll come to believe it.

Hey, keaton! What
are you doing here?

Where's skippy?

He's upstairs with
all the other pledges.

Oh, come on, who you kidding?

He's not pledging
and you know it, brian.

Big stooge, huh?

What the hell are
you thinking about?

Whoa, what you talking about?

I don't know anything
about any big stooge.

All right, look, this is alex
p. Keaton you're dealing with.

I'm a member of the
interfraternity council,

And I go to a college where the
students actually have brains.

All right. So he's the
big stooge. So what?

I'm taking skippy home.

Hey, keaton!

If you're as smart
as you say you are,

You ought to know this.

You say one word
about "big stooge,"

You're out of this fraternity.

Right.

You can't take
away our big stooge.

It's the best part
of the evening.

Come on, we haven't even
dipped him in mustard yet.

♪ Oh, I am woman ♪

Hey, alex, what
are you doing here?

I came to take you home, skippy.

Come on, let's go.

I can't go now, alex.

They haven't even
dipped me in mustard yet.

Hey, skip, listen to me.

You don't want to
go in there, all right.

What are you
talking about, alex?

That's where the
hazing takes place.

That's where they're
going to vote on me.

They're not going
to vote on you.

Keaton, this is
your final warning.

What do you mean they're
not going to vote on me?

Tell him, brian.

You tell him.

Tell him what?

You're not getting
into theta pi, skippy.

They never planned on
letting you into the fraternity.

They were just
using you as a joke.

I'm sorry.

Is this true, brian?

Keaton, I'm going to have you
kicked out of theta pi so far,

Your grandchildren
will never get in.

You do whatever you have to do.

Let's go, skip.

No. No, no, this can't be true.

Brian, I did everything
you guys said.

I bought the same
clothes you guys wear.

I subscribed to g.q.

I even got the right
kind of loafers.

Two of them!

You know, you got a
lot of nerve, keaton,

Coming in here and
screwing up hell night.

You knew all along
handleman was the big stooge.

Why didn't you say
something to him?

You knew, alex?

Don't ever talk to me again!

Hey, alex, where've you been?

I was over at grant college.

It's theta pi initiation
night tonight.

Well, how did it go?

Is skippy a full-fledged
member now?

No. Skippy's not a member.

Skippy's not going
to be a member.

And, uh...

In all probability, I'm not
a member anymore, either.

Well, what happened?

They never had any
intention of letting him in.

It was a joke.

I mean, all they wanted
to do was make fun of him.

The worst part
is I knew about it

And I didn't say anything.

Are you serious, alex?

You knew and
you didn't tell him?

That's right. He knew
and he didn't tell.

Why wouldn't you tell?

Look, ma, I don't want
to go through it, ok.

It's just a little too painful.

Let me see.

Alex started out trying
to do something nice.

Which is rare in itself,

Which is why I
remember this so well.

Alex wanted to get
skippy into theta pi,

So he took him over
there. The boys said yes.

But what alex
didn't know is that

They had no intention
of pledging skippy.

They just wanted to
make him "the big stooge."

When alex found out, he wanted
to tell, but he couldn't tell

Because he was afraid
of breaking the code.

"What code?" I said. He
said, "the code of theta pi."

He said they'd throw
him out of the fraternity,

Become a social outcast...
Ruin all of his chances

Of a big business
career in business,

A job on wall street,
an apartment in new york.

He said he couldn't tell.
He said he wouldn't tell.

But tonight... Tonight he told.

I love him for it.

I can't believe I held
it in for so long.

I thought I was
going to explode.

You did.

Skip, you ok? You all right?

What's up?

Where's the dress?

I'm ok.

We heard what happened,
honey. We're sorry.

I really would like to speak

To alex alone for a little bit.

Sure. Sure. We were
just going up anyway.

Hey, you look cold.

Put this on.

So where did you go anyway?
I called your place five times.

I went up to grover lake.

I like to go up there after
I've made a fool out of myself.

I go up there a lot.

Skippy, I can't tell
you how sorry I am.

How could you do
that to me, alex?

You're the guy who is supposed
to be looking out for me!

I did! I tried.

Well, why didn't you
try a little sooner?

Look, I had some reasons.

Ok, I thought they were
good ones at the time.

They weren't.

I was sworn to secrecy.

I didn't want to break the code.

Oh, 'cause that code is
more important than me.

If it was, I wouldn't have
shown up there tonight.

Alex, why do these things
always happen to me?

Why... Why am I always
everybody's big stooge?

You're just not in your time...

Yet, skip. That's all.

I mean, you'll grow into it.

You know, you are going
to be a late bloomer.

If I don't bloom soon,

They're going to
have to replant me.

What's wrong with me?

Skippy, there's
nothing wrong with you.

People are going to
take advantage of you

Because you're
a little too open.

You're a little too trusting.

A little too
accepting sometimes.

But that's their problem.

Skippy, you're one of the only

Truly good people I know.

I don't understand, alex.

You're always on the inside.

I'm always on the outside.

It's been that way
ever since we were kids.

Do remember that time we
both learned to ride bikes?

You got right on,
started pedaling,

And kept going, all
the way down the hill.

I got on, coasted five
feet, and k*lled a cat.

It's just that our styles...

Are a little different,
skip. That's all.

Any day now that's
going to change.

You're going to take
those training wheels off.

And when you do,
watch out, world.

Watch out, cats.

Thank you, alex.

You know...

We could start sort of
a fraternity of our own.

All we need is a
secret handshake.

You got it, skip.

Wait.

Sit, ubu, sit.

Good dog. [Bark]
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