05x10 - High School Confidential

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Family Ties". Aired: September 22, 1982 - May 14, 1989.*
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Set in suburban Columbus, Ohio during the Reagan administration, Steven and Elyse Keaton are baby boomers, liberals and former hippies, raising their three children: ambitious, would-be millionaire entrepreneur Alex; fashion-conscious, gossipy Mallory; and tomboy Jennifer.
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05x10 - High School Confidential

Post by bunniefuu »

Johnny mathis: ♪ I bet
we've been together ♪

♪ For a million years ♪

Deniece williams: ♪ and I
bet we'll be together ♪

♪ For a million more ♪

♪ Oh, it's like I
started breathing ♪

♪ On the night we kissed ♪

Both: ♪ and I can't remember ♪

♪ What I ever did before ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ And there ain't no nothin' ♪

♪ We can't love
each other through ♪

♪ Ooh hoo ♪

♪ What would we do, baby ♪

♪ Without us? ♪

♪ Sha la la la ♪

Can't believe you did that, dad.

I don't know what I did
that was so wrong, jen.

It was probably the single
most embarrassing moment

Of my life. That's all.

What happened?

Dad was driving
carpool today, ok...

Me and other girls
from the eighth grade

And mitzi kasselman,
a ninth grader,

Captain of the cheerleaders,

And very popular.

We stopped at a red light.

It was quiet. And then dad says,

"Why don't we use this
time to have a mock debate

Between the u.s.
And the soviet union?"

Dad, you didn't.

Then he turns to mitzi kasselman

And says, "mitzi,
you be gorbachev."

I'm dying.

Who's gorbachev?

That's what mitzi said.

If I could have crawled into
the ashtray, I would have.

Look, look, up until then,

All the talk had been about
clothes and boys and movies.

I thought a little group discussion
about the nuclear arms race

Would be a nice change of pace.

Come.

Mitzi kasselman as gorbachev.

There, there.

Who's this gorbachev?

I don't know what I
did that was so wrong.

I don't know. Maybe next time,
try mitzi kasselman as reagan.

Wha... Oh, it's just you, alex.

I'm equally excited
to see you, mal.

Sorry. I was just,
uh, hopin' it was nick.

He's late, and I'm wondering
where he could be.

Maybe he's in stockholm

Accepting the nobel
prize for physics.

What time are you
expecting nick?

Over an hour ago.

He said he'd come right over
here after his job interview.

Job interview? Job interview?

Job interview? Job interview?

I wasn't supposed to say
anything in case they didn't hire him.

What kind of job is it?

Teaching art to kids at the "y."

Boy, it would be neat
to have nick as a teacher.

Yeah, you could all
cut classes together.

[Motorcycle engine revs]

Um, ok, that's him.

Please don't let on that I
told you anything about this.

If he finds out, he swore
he'd never speak to me again.

Never, you say?

Never, ever?

Hey.

Hey! Hey!

Did you get the job?

Come on, andy. I think it's time
to go upstairs and play now.

Sorry. I didn't
mean to tell them.

I was excited. It
kind of slipped out.

Hey, I guess this means

You'll never speak
to our daughter again.

Aw, i-it's all
right, mr. Keaton.

You know, I could never
really be mad at mallory.

But she told us, nick...

After you asked her not
to in no uncertain terms.

Yeah, but, uh, she
was just excited.

I don't mind.

Nick...

She betrayed you.

I think you have no
choice but to leave her.

It really doesn't matter
anyway, mr. Keaton,

Because I didn't get the job.

Elyse: what?

I can't believe that. You
were perfect for that job.

They said that they
really wanted me.

They said that I would bring

A, uh, new and unusual
perspective to the program.

But they, uh, said they
couldn't hire anybody

Without a high school diploma.

[Scoffs] boy, that's
a new one, isn't it?

So what do you
wanna do, tonight, mal?

Wanna go out, see a movie?

Um, sure, if that's
what you wanna do.

I mean, if you're sure
you wanna go out.

Yeah. Why wouldn't I want to?

I don't know. I know
you feel a little down

About not gettin' the job.

Hey, mal, I'm fine.

I forgot all about it.

What job? See?

Aw, nick, I hate when
you get this way.

It's not good to keep your
emotions all bottled up inside.

You'll end up like alex.
You don't want that, do you?

None of us want that, mal.

Alex, if you had a
little sensitivity,

You'd be able to see
that nick is very upset.

Look, if nick is so upset
that he didn't get the job,

Why doesn't he go back to
high school and get his diploma?

Hey, hey, hey, no way.

I am not goin' back to school.

You know, they make you
write papers and take tests.

I don't like to take tests.

You know, you gotta put
these tiny little checks

In the right box. True or false?

What about a box for maybe? How
come they don't have a box for maybe?

You know? And how about
a box for, uh, "who cares"?

And what about a box for, uh,

"Ask me a different question."

Huh?

I liked you better when
you were bottled up.

Um, nick, what about that?

I mean, what about
goi" back to school?

Ah, it's not for me.

Nick, it's the only way
you're gonna get that job.

Think how great it would be

To teach those little
kids how to be creative.

You're so good with kids.

You could really inspire them.

Me as a teacher.

Wow!

I'd walk into the classroom,

And they'd stop makin' those
funny little noises that kids make

When the teacher
comes into the room.

They'd all sit up nice and
straight, and they'd say,

"Good morning, mr. Moore."

You know, nobody's
ever called me mr. Moore.

Except my grandfather.

He could never
remember my first name.

Good morning, mr. Moore.

Good morning, mallory.

You're looking very cute today.

Thank you, mr. Moore.

Oh, mal, I wanted
that job so bad,

I couldn't sleep for
nights thinkin' about it.

Then, nick, go back to school.

I mean, how many
classes are you short?

One. English.

English. I can help you.

English... English is one
of my better subjects.

I only had to take it twice.

Can't believe you
did it again, dad.

What did... What
did I do this time?

I followed your
instructions to the letter.

You told me I could
only talk about

How mitzi kasselman
looked, and that's what I did.

You told her she looked
like mrs. Gorbachev.

Who told her to
wear that fur hat?

You're never driving
carpool again, dad.

Great!

There isn't a father in america

Who wouldn't k*ll
to hear those words.

Or russia.

Hi, dad. Hi, honey.

Um, would you guys mind
letting me have the living room?

Nick's gonna be over any minute.

I'm gonna help him study.

You're gonna help nick study?

I thought the idea was
for nick to pass this course.

Alex, I don't want you
to say anything to nick.

He's got his first big test tomorrow,
and he's nervous enough already.

Ok, andy, why don't you
take your brother upstairs

And play with him until dinner,

And do not let him
out of your sight.

Come on, alex. Let's go color.

I don't wanna color.

It's the wall street
journal coloring book.


All right.

[Squeals]

Come on!

[Doorbell]

Thanks, mom.

Hi, nick. Hey.

Hey, how's the studying coming?

Ah, to tell you the truth, mrs.
Keaton, it's not goin' so good.

You know, it's a lot tougher than
sittin' around doin' nothin' all day.

Well, I'm... I'm sure you'll
find it just as rewarding.

Come on, nick. We
got a lot to cover

Before your test tomorrow.

Ok. Now...

What is a verb?

What does it do in a sentence?

Uh, it just kind of sits there,

Trying not to bother
the other words.

No, nick, a verb is a word

That does something
active in a sentence,

Like "walk" or "run" or "eat."

Yeah, but, uh,
eating's not active,

Unless you eat and run.

Well, you don't have to
be moving to be active.

You just have to
be doing something.

Well, what about if you're dead?

I mean, you can't be
active when you're dead

Unless you're a
ghost or vampire.

Well, you can use verbs
for ghosts and vampires.

Uh, just not for
ordinary dead people, huh?

I'm gonna have to look that up.

I think they have
special verbs for them.

You know, this is
without a doubt

The most inane and
absurd conversation

I have ever heard.

Alex, what are you doing here?

What am I doing?

Well, I'm not doing anything,

So I guess I'll need

One of those special verbs.

Like you use for dead people.

Alex, I asked you not to come
down here while we're studying.

I'm sorry, but I was
just irresistibly drawn

Toward the... Towards this
awesome display of brainpower.

You know what? If
you could harness

The mental energy in this room,

You could toast some bread.

Lightly.

What do I have to do,
alex, lock the door?

I'm coming, andrew. I'm coming.

You don't think I can
pass the test, do you, alex?

Truth?

Truth.

No.

Don't pay any attention to him.

Who are we
kidding? Alex is right.

I am wasting my time.
I'm wasting your time.

Nick, you can't give up.
The test is tomorrow.

Mal, I was born bein'
able to fix things.

I am good with my
hands, all right?

Other people, like you,

Are born being good at school.

Nick... Mal, I'm sorry.

I really appreciate what
you're trying to do here for me.

I love you for
it, but I'm quittin'.

I'm quitting school,
because I don't belong there.

Mallory, listen, I don't think
it's fair for you to blame me.

Nick would not have quit
school if nick didn't want to.

We were doin' just fine
until you came along.

At the very least, you
owe him an apology.

He asked me if I thought he'd pass
the test, and I gave him my opinion.

What was I supposed to do, lie?

You shouldn't have
interfered, alex.

What would you say
if nick'd asked you

If you thought he would pass?

Well, I would say, uh...

Yes.

I almost certainly
think he might...

Pass.

Or might not.

Oh, steven.

What would you say, elyse?

Me? I would say I
think he would pass.

You'd be lying.

Not necessarily lying.

Not necessarily
telling the truth.

Not necessarily.

I can't believe you guys.

None of you think
nick can do it.

I do.

Thank you, andrew.

Do what?

It doesn't matter whether or not

We think nick can do it.

It only matters whether or not

He thinks he can do it.

Well, that's a very
good point, jen.

But if nick thinks he
can do it, he's wrong.

Ok, look, we, uh...
We better be going.

Uh, the, uh, play
starts at : .

Good night,
sweetheart. Sleep well.

We'll check in on
you when we get home.

Ok, have a good time.

Bye-bye. Come on.

Drive safe. Good night.

Just wait a minute, alex. I wanna
talk to you about something, ok?

I am really tired about
your attitude towards nick.

You're wrong about him.

I know that if nick and
I studied a little more,

He'd be able to pass that
course and get his diploma.

Ok, excuse me, mal.

I happened to overhear one of
your so-called study sessions,

And there is no way...

That nick is gonna
get that diploma.

In fact, you'll be lucky

If they don't take yours away.

[Knock on door]

Nick.

Hey.

I'm, uh, sorry about before,

Runnin' out on you, babe.

I came back to apologize.

Andrew, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, andrew.

I thought you were going to bed.

I can't sleep. I'm
afraid of the dark.

I don't know what to do. I can't
convince him to get into bed.

Come on, andrew.

No. I'm afraid of the
dark. I can't go to sleep.

Maybe it's because you don't
have your dream hat, andy.

What's a dream hat?

Well, you see, it's
a hat you put on

To help you get to sleep and
have great dreams at night.

Do you have one?

Sure do, but mine's at home.

Tell you what, though. I'll make
you one. Would you like that?

Yeah. Yeah.

Ok.

Now, you see, it's
shaped like a cloud,

Because that's what
dreamland is made up of.

And it's got all
these stars on it,

Because the sky in dreamland

Is full of stars
when you're dreamin'.

And it's also got all the
colors of the rainbow.

You see?

Because that's how
you get to dreamland.

You slide up and
down on a rainbow.

That's a wonderful hat, andy.

You're really lucky to have it.

Will you help
jennifer put me to bed?

My pleasure.

Come on.

Great. Say good night.

Good night. Good night.

That was impressive, mal.

I had no idea
nick could be so...

Useful.

I just... I...

He's got a great imagination.

Alex, you've seen
nick with andy.

And you know how
good he is with kids.

This job means
everything to him.

He's gotta get that diploma,

And there's only one
way he's gonna do it.

You've got to help him.

Me? Don't be...

You gotta be kidding, mal.

Alex, please, you're the only
one smart enough to do it.

Yeah, well, that's true, but I
shouldn't be penalized for that.

[Knock on door]

Come in.

Hello, nick.

Alex. What are you doin' here?

So this is your place, huh?

It's exactly how I
imagined it would look.

Want some chips or
nuts or somethin'?

Yeah. Yeah, that would, uh...
That'd be nice, nick. Thanks.

Yeah, and i, uh, think there's
some more chips in the couch there.

There you go.

Put on a nice spread, nick.

So, uh, what is this,
a, uh, social call?

Uh, well, actually, nick,

I wanted to talk to
you about school.

What's there to talk
about? I'm quittin'.

I've been watchin'
you with andy,

You know, how good
you are with him, with kids.

And, uh, I couldn't
help thinking to myself,

You know, "this guy does not
have to be a total drain on society."

Hey, thanks.

No, nick, listen.
What I'm sayin' is this.

If you don't quit the class,

I'll help you pass
the test tomorrow.

I am not going
back to that class.

I already know
everything I need to know

To get by in my world.

That kind of learning is
for you and your world,

And that's a world that I don't
wanna be no part of. Thank you, alex.

Nick, nick, come on.

I'm not interested in taking
you out of your world.

It's so clearly
where you belong.

I'm just interested in
making your world bigger.

Why is it so important to
you that I go to that class?

Because it's
important to mallory.

And if it's important
to mallory,

It's important to me.

And if it's important to me...

It's important to the world.

"I shall spend the
winter in minnesota."

Now, what's the personal
pronoun in that sentence?

Uh... Personal pronoun...

Come on, nick. The word that
refers to the person speaking.

Uh, that would be me, nick.

"I" is the personal pronoun.

That'd be you, alex.

Come on. You're not
gettin' this at all.

I am... I am trying to.

The trouble is I am not
used to dealing with words.

You know, I'm used to dealing
with much bigger things,

Like, uh, motorcycles.

Ok, nick. All right.

Let's put this into terms
that you can relate to.

A sentence is just
like a motorcycle.

Uh-huh. Ok?

It's not gonna work if it
doesn't have all the right parts.

Now, e-every sentence
needs a noun, right?

That's the word that all the
other words revolve around.

So what part would
that be on a motorcycle?

Ha! Chassis!

Good. Ok, great.

Um, now you also
need a verb, right,

To, um... To show what action
takes place in the sentence.

Now, what makes a
motorcycle move?

Engine.

Ok. All right. Ok, um...

You startin' to understand
what I'm talkin' about now?

Nah, but I'm havin' more fun.

"The rose is beautiful."

Noun?

Rose.

Adjective?

Carburetor.

Nick.

Ah, I was just
fooling you, teach.

In the sentence "the
rose is beautiful,"

The adjective is... "Beautiful"!

Beautiful!

Hey, you look kinda cute
sittin' up there on my bike

Wearin' my jacket.

Bet you'd get thrown out of your
fraternity for lookin' like that.

Nick, I'd get thrown
out of my fraternity

Just for bein' in
this neighborhood.

We're from different
worlds, aren't we, alex?

At least.

I've seen your type before.

We used to have a name for
guys like you in high school...

Students.

You were always
smart, weren't you, alex?

From day one, nick.

You know, I remember
when I was a baby

Lying in my crib, looking
up at my parents, thinking,

"You people have
a lot to learn."

Scary thing is

I just kept gettin' smarter.

I mean, every day, I'd think,

"This is as smart as a
human being can get,"

And the next
day, I'd be smarter.

And I'd look back and say,

"How could you be so stupid?"

All I remember is lying
there in my crib, thinkin',

"What the hell am I doing here?"

Hour to the test.
You gonna be ready?

I don't know, alex.

You know, I got all
these little words

Runnin' around in my head,

Trying to figure out
where they belong.

I hope they all just don't panic

And run away before the test.

They're not goin'
anywhere, nick.

They belong to you now.

And I'm gonna take
very good care of 'em,

Especially the verbs,

'Cause they're such
busy little words.

Gotta hand it to you, nick.

Really, you've learned
more in one night

Than, uh, a lot of people
learn in a whole semester.

This is what it's like to
be a smart guy like you.

Somebody asks you a
question, you know the answer.

No wonder you like
yourself so much.

Oh, it's... It's : .

The test has been over
for an hour. Where is he?

I don't know. Maybe
he got stuck in traffic.

Oh, the least he
could do is call!

He knows we're waiting
here on pins and needles.

Don't worry. I'm sure
we'll hear from him.

I should have gone there. I
could have waited outside.

That way, I could
have been the first one

To see his face, to
know how he was feeling.

This is nick I'm talkin' about!

I-i've lost my mind
from not enough sleep.

Any word from nick yet?

No.

Well, andy bought
him a special present.

Show 'em andy.

What happened
to nick's lollipop?

It was a long ride home.

Alex, you look terrible.
Why don't you get some sleep?

I can't sleep until I know
what happened to nick.

It's nice to see how close
you and nick are becoming.

Wait a minute.

Look, nick and I are not now,

Nor will we ever be... Close.

Nick! Where have you been?

Nick, we're dyin'. How'd
you do on the test?

I passed!

Oh, let me see!

"C" minus! He passed!

Nick, you're a genius.

I am so proud of you.

And you, too, alex.

You really came
through for me, pal.

I appreciate it.

Hey.

That is an interjection.

Whoa!

An exclamation.

Stop it!

An imperative.

I've created a monster!

Sit, ubu, sit.

Good dog. [Barks]
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