01x06 - Splash

[bunniefuu]

JP!

Mom!

Mom, are you there?

Because, seriously,
I can't go in like this.

It's all creases.

You will take care out there today,
won't you? With Gerald.

I wasn't planning on k*lling the man,
Grace.

It's a honey trap, hence the honey.

- What's wrong with you?
- Bibi's still not answering my calls.

Of course she isn't. She's in
a state of shame and rightfully so.

I say, leave her to it.

It was an accident.

What was a one-eyed woman doing out
there in the first place, sh**ting a g*n?

Because we invited her.

Well, it wasn't "we"
who half-blinded a man, was it?

There's your villain.
Let her stew in it.

Where are you off to all dressed up?

Dressed up? I'm wearing a coat.

I'm going to an art class.

I think that's great.

Lesser women would've been knocked
by what they did to you at dance class.

I used to be good at art.

Did you? Can't remember.

Have fun.

Sorry.
There's no talking to her at the moment.

- She just doesn't want to see anyone.
- Well, we're hardly anyone. Are we?

I know, and I'd love for you to come in
and shake her out of it, I would,

but she's not like herself. I'm sorry.

Well, then forget her.

I don't know why I'm having to come to her
anyway. She's the one who split my lip.

Nutjob.

Is this the very day?

What?

The boat. Is today the very day
we get to take her out?

Talk me through your
thinking here, Roger.

Would I have carted her all the way
down here to what? Surprise you?

Does it matter why you carted it
all the way down here?

Exactly.

Why did you cart her
all the way down here?

I'm taking Gerald, my boss,

out for an after...

One second.

Everything all right?

No show?

You know, when God closes the door,
you just open a window.

I've got all the gear.

We could head out. Cast a wee line.
Breathe in no better air.

I was expecting lemonade, Roger.

Don't much fancy sucking the lemon.

So, how do you feel about carrying on
after everything that's happened?

Him. It. Carrying on.

All I can think about right now is
what happened to that poor fucker's eye.

And that it was Bibi, of all people,
who pulled the trigger.

So, no more collateral damage.

If we were going to try again,

we need zero risk of dogs and people and
anything getting caught in the cross fire.

Yes, so we may as well
just light a candle,

hope he drowns himself in his bath
at night.

Why didn't I think of that?

Think of what? Asking
him to k*ll himself?

No, drugging him.
Putting him in a very full bath.

Ursula, you've told me hundreds of times
that dr*gs show up in a postmortem.

Rohypnol doesn't.
There's no trace of it.

It's the same reason
why most r*pe trials fall apart.

I could get some from work.

Won't be missed.

What do you think?

I don't...

I think...

I think nothing happens
unless Bibi's back.

Yeah.

I don't wanna tell you
how to live your life,

but you should consider keeping your
wine in the fridge like a poor person.

Min! Which one?

Anything with alcohol, darling.

What are you doing down there?

Grabbing wine and seeing Min.

Well, I told you,
nobody needs you coming around here.

Go home.

- She's my friend.
- Is that what she told you?

Any old excuse to come around here
and drink up my inheritance.

Your inheritance? Are you joking me?

She's just here for your money because
she couldn't weasel any out of me.

You're a slimy piece of sh*t.

- You're a scheming bitch.
- Children! Less of this.

Leave your sister be, John Paul.

Your father will be home soon,
and you mustn't rile his temper again.

Mama...

He's not coming home.

Oh, my God.

Why would you say that to her?
What does it give you?

Go snatch a purse.
There'll be less work in it for you.

You should be the one who goes.

No one called for you.

Mum. You silly thing.

You need help.

You need to go into that care home
we talked about.

Remember?

Professional care.

- For your own good.
- Just go.

Do as she says.

What won't you stoop to?

Incredible.

- Min, are you okay?
- Yes.

Min?

He can't just do that.

I mean,
he can't just put you in a home. Can he?

Min? Min! Seriously?

I signed it. I didn't want you
getting all the bloody credit.

That's some pretty racy content, Min.

Extra surprise for my girl.

What's that?

The fees for next term.

For God's sake, dear. We can't have you
coming back here without an education.

Your father would marry you off
to a fat farmer.

Eight grand.

All right, folks. Let's pause it there.

Give Monica ten minutes

to shake her bones out.

Hiya, Margo. Nice to see you're back.

- I like the colors you're using there.
- Oh, yeah.

Captures her hair well.

Great.

This is good.

Is it? I don't know.

It is.

I can tell by the way
you're using your line though,

bit nervous
drawing the more intimate parts.

Surely by now, you're a woman at home
in her own body, no?

I'm not sure my husband
would necessarily agree with you.

What's it got to do with him?

It's your body to be comfortable with.

What the hell?

There he is now,
creeping around like Benjamin Franklin.

That's an impressive reference.

I just watched a documentary on him.
What a perv.

So now I'm a perv?

Take it you won't be
having one of these.

I'm watching you.

- How are you this morning?
- I am disabled with anxiety.

- You?
- Same. Overflowing with guilt.

But other than that...

What are you doing today?

I was thinking
of actually taking the day off.

If you're free
we could do something together.

Are you gonna wear trousers?

Do you want me to wear trousers?

Oh, yeah.

Both your balls
are hanging out of my poor shorts.

Come on, you stupid f... d*ck!

Find something. See something.

Does "released without charge"
mean nothing to you people?

- Sorry?
- Are you now?

Well, the last lot of concerned citizens
I had 'round here

got a lot worse off the guards
than I ever did.

Sir, excuse me. Sorry.

Did you... Were you friends
with John Paul Williams by any chance?

- And who are you supposed to be?
- Does it matter to the question?

Let me tell you something.

There's no such thing
as being friends with that man.

Do you hear me?

They say don't speak ill of the dead,

but I say it's just a shame

that he didn't do himself in properly
the first time he tried.

- Bla, I love you.
- Love you too.

Morning, all.

More questions?

- Mam.
- Bye, hon.

Bye.

What happened to your face?

Nothing.
Just... You should see my wife.

That was a joke. May I?

You're on your own today.

That's right.
Can't get the help these days.

Everyone's after a million quid
for doing nothing.

Just his day off is all.

You've been doing some rearranging?

Trying to anyway.

Nearly bust a gut moving this thing.

Wanted it here since forever, but...

JP? Wasn't so keen?

No, but...

wouldn't do much good
to preserve the place in aspic.

Grace, I'm afraid I have to ask.

How do I put this?

Did JP ever try to harm himself?

What have you heard?

I wouldn't ask if it wasn't
entirely pertinent to the claim.

What?

Roger, you're an angel.

I've been at JP to
prune those for weeks.

Hiya, Gracie.

I hope you don't mind.
It was just that I was doing me own

and I thought maybe I'll come over
and, you know, save you the bother.

Oh, Roger. I ne...

- I never had you as a mover, Roger.
- Oh, God. Aye.

See, my mother sent me for lessons
when I was a kid.

Only way
I was gonna get myself a woman.

She used to say, learn to dance
and you're in with a chance.

Come on then, you.

You're some mover.

What on earth?

Jesus Christ.

Give the nod when you wanna cut in, JP.

What a terrible, terrible noise.

Remember, we nearly had a soul deejay
at our wedding

till you said he was too expensive.

Can you not get a wife of your own?

Sure. Who would have me?

Look at the bushes, JP.

Roger, bless him, pruned them for you.

Lovely day down at the quay.

Probably would've been better
if you got the boat out, huh?

Oh, yeah. How'd you get on?

Fine. Got on fine.

Come on.

Thank you for the dance, my lady.

Thank you.

JP.

Do you know you're a very lucky man?

I wake up smiling, Roger.

Yeah, I bet you do.

Hello.

I'm a local parent and I wish to
raise a red flag regards an individual.

The issue is
my son attends a church youth group,

and the guy running it has shown
an unnatural interest in my son.

I'm worried he's molesting him.

Oh, yes. Yes.
I am prepared to name the man. I am.

Yeah. Yes.

His name is Roger Muldoon.

Double O, Muldoon. That's right. Yes.

Thank you.

Come on.

So, tell me then about your day.

Where's my book?

Your book?

Book. Object of fiction,
loads of pages bound together with glue.

Are you okay?

You weren't jealous earlier
on, were you? About Roger?

What are you wearing?

Is that new?

Do you like it?

What do you think you look like?

What? What does that mean?

Do you know
when you look your most beautiful?

When I can't see any of them in you.

So, it's my sisters' fault
you don't look at me like that anymore?

Don't do that, Gracie.

Don't debase yourself.

I know you hate talking about it...

but we could try

things you can take to help.

There's no shame in just
trying the pills, John Paul.

Lots of men take them.

This cheap thing
makes you say cheap things.

Get a grip of yourself.

You know the Galway netball tournament,
the overnight?

Tomorrow? Do you need some money for it?

One of the other moms dropped out.

I was wondering if you'd come?

Hon.

You know, you don't
need to look after me.

Course I do.

It's just a dropout...

and an excuse to get you away
to lavish money on me.

Cheeky.

Do you think it's me?

Grace, no. Not on your worst week.

It's him. Of course it's him.

Thing is, I still look at him

and I still think he's bloody gorgeous.

Maybe that's just marriage.

I mean, I wouldn't say as much as that.

So, you and Donal still

have sex?

We... I keep my hand in.

Oh, my God. It is me.

Grace, you're a
natural-born feckin' ride.

Of course it's his fault.

You wanna have sex.

It's him who's gone rancid.

When did you last actually...

- Jesus.
- I know.

Maybe, I mean...
Maybe I have let myself go.

Sorry.

Nah, I'm joking. It's box fresh.
Never been used.

Take it must be going pretty well
with Grant then.

It's Gabriel.

No, not really. He's gay.

Gabriel's gay.

Well, it's very nice.

No, it's for you.

- Take it home.
- Get it where you can, sis.

That's her motto.
Ah, f...

Well, thanks, I think.

- I have to go.
- Okay.

I just wish to God he'd try the pills.

But maybe he just doesn't see me
like that anymore,

or as a person worth listening to.

There is not a thing wrong with you.

Yeah. Well, that's the great thing
about you lot.

You have to say that.

- Bye, honey.
- Bye, love.

The poor thing.

We have to see this through, Eva.

There's not gonna
be anything left of her.

Not without Bibi.

You need to go and talk to her.
Make things right.

You.

Gracie.

I think you are, if you'll forgive
my bluntness, skirting around the issue.

Will you help me out here, Grace?

What is it
you think I should be telling you?

His mental health.

Was he depressed?
Were there any affairs?

Because I need to take
the view here, Grace,

as to how likely it is
that your husband d*ed by his own hand.

You think I owe you
the sensitive details of my marriage?

No, probably not.

Sorry. I'm...

I'm under a lot of pressure
from everywhere.

And my wife and I are expecting a baby.

So I'm barely sleeping.

He was the same.

John Paul. Before
Blanaid... Full of worry.

Yeah,
but also it's the size of everything.

You know,
she takes up a lot of space in the bed.

But, yeah, you know, the worry too.

Talk about male fragility, hey?

You'd think it'd be the mothers
losing it, but Theresa's fine.

Happy as,
laid up on the bed like bloody Boudicca.

I think I might have something for you.

They were Blanaid's.

They might not be in fashion now.

Well, thanks. Thanks very much.

- There is a difference.
- Sorry?

Between skirting around the details
because you're trying to hide something

and skirting around the details

because they're incredibly hard
to look at head-on.

The reason I don't talk about JP's
su1c1de attempt is because he wouldn't.

There's only so much I can know.
Mostly from his doctors.

The other reason is, deep down,
I have to wonder...

was it because of me?

Was I the reason he once wanted to die?

Hey, Siri. Plot me a route
from here to the local hospital.

Well, now.
Hadn't that plenty to say for itself.

- We didn't release that one.
- Good.

Joking. Nice bass. Very bassy.

Does he know you're with me?

Nor do my lot.

Really? You all seem so close.

We are. But you're a Claffin.

You're currently
making our lives a misery, so...

Plus, they're still my sisters.

They generally don't approve
of who's in my bed.

- They think you make bad choices?
- I usually do.

Hey.

I wonder sometimes, you know,
with my mam and dad not here...

That I'm doing it because I want someone
to tell me I deserve better.

Do you think they
would've interfered like that?

Jesus. I hope so.

I've gone out with some real reprobates.

Sometimes, I think they still might.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

Maybe some night
I'll be sat with some lad

who's not some arbitrary arsehole.

And maybe I'll hear

music or something.

Too bonkers?

You tell me something about you, then.
Something grisly.

Grisly?

Well, I just found out that my dad
didn't just up and die.

He actually k*lled himself.

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

Found out
Thomas had been keeping it from me.

Jesus.

Maybe it was a kindness?

What sort of kindness is that?

I don't know. A misguided one?

I mean, I get that you're hurting,

but if the cost of that is your
relationship with your only brother,

then price is too high.

'Cause take it from me...

you only have each other.

Jesus.

- Here.
- Jesus. I owe you one.

Expect those cup final tickets
in the post.

Yeah. Sure.

Okay.

F...

Hey, it's me again, obviously.

Just in case you didn't recognize the...

I know you have nothing but good reasons
for not picking up your phone.

I know you're angry with me,
and we've lots to talk about.

But for God's sake, pick up your phone,
listen to this and call me back.

I've got a hold of something big.

And if it's as big as I've decided it
is, it's gonna save both our arses.

So please, Matt, for the sake
of my f... gastric acid if nothing else,

just talk to me.

If you're gonna hit me again,
do you mind aiming for the bottom lip?

Even things out.

For God's sake. Fine. I deserved it.

Well, what about him
in there? He didn't.

I sh*t his bloody eye out, Becka.

Do you know what that looks like?
'Cause I have a pretty full idea.

I thought I was owed this.
And to get even for myself.

And all I managed to do was this
to someone else.

Well, I pushed you.

So it's my fault.

The only mistake you made was
thinking that any of this was for you.

It should have been for your sister.

He's ground her down so small, Bibi.

I was with her earlier.

She doesn't even see herself
as a woman anymore.

There'll be nothing left of her soon.

And Blanaid's next.

Tomorrow night,
Grace is taking Blanaid to Galway.

We're gonna roofie him
and put him in a very full bath.

We need you there.

No, this has to stop.

Why? What the hell's changed?

What do you think?

Him in there?

Well, if we don't finish the job,
then what has he lost his eye for?

Nothing at all.

You okay?

- Okay. Enter your room.
- Thank you.

Careful now.

You're heading for
the wall. I've got you.

You gonna be the boss now?

Well, you gotta get used to...

What's going on?

No. I'll find out.

Can you explain to me
exactly what was said?

Can I call my sister?

You'll be allowed a phone call
at the station.

Excuse me. What's going on?

Can't tell you that.

- We've gotta go.
- Yeah.

JP, what's it all about?

Well, what do you
think it's usually about

when the police confiscate
a man's computer?

Sad.

Doesn't sound like much of a yes.

Well, it wasn't a no either.

Was she pleased to see you?

- Yeah.
- Really?

Course she wasn't.

Bibi.

I'm really glad you're here.

You okay?

Hug me back, you cow.

Okay.

So, someone talk me
through this plan then.

Right. So, Ursula reckons
that she can nick a bottle of Rohypnol

from the hospital and
provided that works,

we gotta figure out
a means of just getting it into him.

And that's it?

Well, there's the bath, Eva.

- Tell her about the bath.
- You already told me about the bath.

Let Urs know to be there around 8:00.

The prick's like a child.

He can't cook, won't learn
and he's too tight to pay for delivery.

So at some stage tonight, he'll
leave to pick up some greasy shite.

Are we going in a window?

I lost my spare key to theirs years ago.

Yeah, well, I didn't.

Can we put the stuff in a drink?

Isn't that sort of, like,
you know, textbook?

- Put it in the milk.
- Not gonna put it in the milk.

Grace and Blanaid drink the milk.

They love milk.

- It's gotta be something that...
- His nasal spray.

I don't know what's in that stuff,
but he's basically addicted to it.

Remind me never to interrogate why Bibi
seems to be just naturally gifted at this.

You don't need to do it, you know?

Any of it.

It's him or Grace. Right?

So, yeah.

I think maybe I do, actually.

Okay.

So, I'll tell her you're back
and the plans on.

Right? Get her to do a little shopping
in the medical store.

All right, stranger?

Stranger? Didn't I pass you toilet paper
through a door earlier?

Yeah, but you were gone
by the time I was finished.

That's what you're after, following me
into the drug store like a bloody sneak.

I wasn't following
you... Look, I was j...

I was just stood in the bloody corridor.

Urs, are we okay?

What? I mean...

I'm entitled to ask,
and I feel like I should ask.

I feel like I haven't been able
to get through to you for a while now.

S... Like, is there a reason?

Can you put your arms around me?

It's me.

Feel like I've been a million miles away
from everything recently.

Including myself.

What's going on?

I don't know.

Do you still love me?

Oh, shite.

Takeaway tonight.

- Talk about it then.
- I can't.

I'm sorry. I promised Carmel I'd leave it
open in case she needs me for a double.

All right. Well, soon then. All right?

Donal, come in.

Yep. On my way to you now.
I'll be two minutes.

Come on, cookie. Let's go.

Gracie.

- Aren't you forgetting something?
- Sorry.

I really had no idea
you were this unhappy with me.

Sorry?

I didn't say no, did I?
To trying your little funny blue pills.

JP, what is this?

- Blanaid is right there.
- Mum, we going?

- Right there.
- Is it p*rn too? Is it?

Should I be going through
the browser history

to find out what my wife is really into?

We can't do this now. She's on
the team, JP. I have to take her.

Please.

I have it
because we are not like that anymore,

and I need something.

So, this is supposed to be my fault now,
is it?

- Well, is it mine?
- I'm not an old man, Grace.

So ask yourself,
"Could the reason be you?"

It mightn't have come to this
if you just put some effort into

being something
I want to get into bed with at night.

Don't you dare.

Don't you dare go put netball
before me and this marriage.

Grace! Grace, come back here!

Jesus. Get in.

Marvelous time
you chose to take a piss, Ursula.

Talk to me
once you've pushed out a brace of kids.

He didn't see me, did he?

Oh, sh*t.

Are you psychic?

How did you know
he was gonna go for takeaway?

You didn't drop the...

What do we
if he comes back and we're in there?

We'll hide under Blanaid's bed.

- We're not hiding under Blanaid's bed.
- In the cupboard then.

We're not hiding in cupboards
or under beds, okay? Jesus.

Are we gonna do this or not?

Well, if yes, then get going.
I'll keep watch.

Let's wear white to his funeral.

He's all but dependent on the stuff.

What kind of prick doesn't keep
his medicine in the medicine drawer?

What if he has it on him?

I've got it. It's here.

Stand back. Let the matron do her work.

Stop ignoring my calls, Grace.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, God.

Oh, sh*t.

It's Bibi. Hey, what's up?

- He's back already.
- He's what?

He's f*cking here.

But if you don't come home right now,
God knows what I'll do.

Hurry up.

- f*ck!
- Don't.

There. This way. Come on.

Okay.

Don't!

Why've you still got the... Urs!

Oh, sh*t.

No!

Can't fit under the bloody...

Move over.

- f*ck.
- Just...

Will you be quiet?

Move your foot.

Fine! sh*t!

Becka?

Did you fart?

Oh, my God. What's the matter with you?

My stomach hurts when I get nervous.

He's gonna smell that.

And good night.

Come on! He's passed out.

My tits.

Sorry.

Why are you crawling like that?

Is he even breathing?

Just.

Must've been quite a dose.

Okay. The bath's running.

Dibs on taking an arm.

I bet the prick's got heavy legs.
He's built like a brick shithouse.

- What the h... Why would you... What?
- What?

- Why'd you do that that now?
- He has to go in naked.

Why would you start there?

Oh, my God.

Oh, come on. Just...
Come on. Let's get...

- Open his bloody stupid buttons.
- I can't.

What the hell?

Gerald should be here any moment.

What is he doing?

Is he pissing?

- What the f*ck is going on?
- Is it not working?

I don't know.

- He's peeing.
- He's having a slash.

- What is happening?
- He's gonna drive.

Just...

Let's go. Come on. Let's go.

- He just took a wee in the closet.
- Come on!

We're not seriously going after him,
are we?

Someone knock the bath off.
Knock the bath off!

- Eva? That's not a no?
- Shut up and run!

- Wait!
- Come on!

Where the hell is he going?

Hope we've got a plan B.

Yeah. Catch up with him
before he bloody kills someone.

Get in the car.

- Get in.
- I'm getting in.

Jesus!

- Move your arse, Ursula.
- I am. Yeah, okay.

Oh, my God. He's gonna hit that bri...

Should we call the police?

What if he's calling the police?

Oh, God. He's stopping.

He stopped.

I gave him a massive dose.

It should've knocked out
a f*cking elephant.

Oh, my God.

What's his plan?

Is that his stupid boat?

What is he doing?

I am correct in remembering
he can't swim, right?

Yeah.

- Is he taking the boat out?
- I don't know.

- For the love of God!
- Gross.

Vile.

f*ck me.

There was no need for that.

- J... Oh, my God. He's fallen in!
- That's what we want, you silly cow.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I guess a win is a win. Right?

It's happening.