04x23 - How I Saved the Senator

[bunniefuu]

[music playing]

BROADCASTER: We interrupt this
program for a news exclusive.

This is Kathryn
Morehead reporting live--

Oh, sorry.

--from Truman High School.

The details are still sketchy,
but apparently just moments

ago, a local undercover
unit from the Jump Street

program thwarted a near--

[thud]

Uh-- an apparent-- let's
just call it an incident

involving Senator Phillips.

The Senator is safe.

Senator, where is he now?

KATHRYN: Here you see
the Senator being whisked

away by Secret Service agents.

Again, the Senator is
safe, though the details

are still hazy.

We do know that the Senator was
here to speak to a PTA dinner

where student volunteers
served as waiters, even

providing the
entertainment, all in line

with the Senator's theme
of community service,

when all hell broke loose.

And at this point, we don't
know any more than that.

It does appear, however,
that the Jump Street officers

interceded on the
Senator's behalf

and may have saved his life.

We'll have a full report
on the news at : .

This is Kathryn Morehead
for Action News.

[theme music]

THEME SONG: We
never thought we'd

find a place where we belong.

Don't have to stand alone.

We'll never let you fall.

Don't need permission to
decide what you believe.

Ooh!

I said jump down on Jump Street.

I said jump down on Jump Street.

Your friends will be there
when your back is to the wall.

You'll find you'll
need us 'cause

there's no one else to call.

When it was hopeless, that
decision's what you need.

You'd be ready to--

be ready to jump!

Jump Street.

Got the food, guys.

Whoa.

It's about time, pal.

Hey, it took a long time.

Excuse me.

Is this the Jump
Street precinct?

Chapel.

You're looking for
Captain Fuller.

Well actually, I think
I'm looking for you.

Well, we can deal with that.

Are you the officers
involved with the incident

over at Truman High?

You mean, are we the ones
who saved the Senator's life?

Yeah Hey, Chuck, get in here.

IOKI: What?
- Listen, um--

[clattering]
- Whoa.

Turn that camera off.

I just want to ask
you a few questions.

PENHALL: Get out of my way!
- Anyone?

No.

Turn that camera off.

KATHRYN: Hey, look at the--

Get out of my face.

There was something
about a b*mb.

Turn that camera off.

Boy, turn that camera off.
PENHALL: Turn it off.

Go away.
- Go!

No.
Go away.

Hey.
Hey!

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

PENHALL: Turn it off.

KATHRYN: Captain Fuller,
I'm Kathryn Morehead.

I don't care if
you're Edward R. Murrow.

If you don't get out
of here with this--

Listen, Captain.
This is a major news event.

We need to know what happened.
We need--

Know this.

I'm gonna take this video
camera and carefully insert it--

Captain, I am not leaving
here until I get a story.

[scoffing] Let me explain
something to you, Miss--

- Morehead.
- Whatever.

See, these are undercover cops.

Coming in here with a
video camera is not--

All right.
Jonathan, Chuck-- outside.

There'll be no camera at all.

All I am asking for is an
exclusive on this story.

[scoffing] Right.

You're going to put this on
the : news with no picture.

I'm not going to put
it on the news at all.

Oh, I know that.
Come here, Chuck.

No.

Listen, Captain, undercover
cops in a high school thwarting

an attempt on a senator's life?

I think there's a movie
in there somewhere.

[scoffing] [laughing]
Chuck, out of here.

Come on.

My god, she's a writer.

And what I really
want to do is direct.

Movies, huh?

Like "Lethal w*apon ?"

[clearing throat] Kathryn,
you know, I could tell

you what happened, if you want.

[click]

I think what happened last
night was a classic battle

between good and evil.

Well, listen.

Start at the beginning, because
I want to hear all of it.

Well--

[music playing]

Observe the stone.

When you can pluck
it from my hand,

you will have learned
all that I can teach you.

Yes, Ioki?

I believe I can pluck
the stone, Master.

You do, do you?

Yes, Master.

Step up here.

Whenever you are ready.

[whoosh]

[laughing]

Huh?

[spits]

Hui.

[ding]

You are impudent.

You will learn the meaning
of the word "respect."

Don't, Master, or you'll--

Or what, dung beetle?

Or you'll be sorry.

Yi-ah!

Excuse me, but
what does any of this

have to do with the Senator?

It's background material.

Could you start a little
closer to the th century,

like right before tonight maybe?

[sighing]

The Senator was gonna
give a speech to the PTA,

and they received a b*mb thr*at.

The Secret Service
combed through every inch

and found nothing, so we
were there just in case

the caller decided to hand
deliver the merchandise.

[music playing]

The limo arrived at
: , accompanied

by the usual swarm of motorcycle
cops and Secret Servicemen.

They pulled up in
front of the school,

and the Senator emerged,
grinning, waving, and playing

the crowd like a fine violin.

As he made his way up the
steps to the auditorium,

everything seemed normal.

That is, it did until I noticed
something by the west gate.

A van arrived, and pastry
chefs began to spill

out from the rear cargo area.

First one, then another,
then another, then another.

Something wasn't kosher.

Whoever heard of
Chinese pastries?

Chinese pastries?

IOKI (VOICEOVER): This
called for a closer look.

The last man out of the van
was a strange-looking old bird

carrying an enormous cake box.

I decided to investigate.

My suspicions were aroused.

As I followed them around
to the cafeteria entrance,

a strange sensation
began to creep up on me.

Was it deja vu?

Second sight?

[grunting]

IOKI (VOICEOVER): Or was
it just the egg salad

sandwich that I had for lunch?

Uh?

IOKI (VOICEOVER): I couldn't
be sure, but whatever it was,

it pushed me further and
further into the bowels

of the cafeteria.

From a dark corner,
I watched as they

marched through the kitchen.

The old man carefully placed
the cake box on a counter,

and his men quickly
surrounded him.

CHEFS: [speaking chinese]

IOKI (VOICEOVER): Danger and
fear raced through my veins,

and evil hung in
the air like a beer

belch in a telephone booth.

[music playing]

I didn't know what
game they were playing,

but I was pretty sure it
wasn't Chinese checkers.

I decided to make my move.

IOKI: I'd like a
piece of that cake.

[gong]

Get him.

CHEFS: [speaking chinese]

Ji!
Ji!

Ji!

[muttering]

Oh!

Ooh.

CHEFS: [speaking chinese]

Take him, you cowards.

- Hiyah!
- Kiai!

Ooh!
[whack]

Hiyah!
[whack]

Ah!
Wah!

- [grunting]
- Ah!

Ah!

[whack]

Wah!

Wah!
Hiyah!

[whack]

Oof.

[grunting]

Ha-ooh!

Ha!

Hiyah!

[whack]

Oh!

[whack]

- Ya!
- Hiyah!

[grunting]

Hiyah!
Ha!

[whack]
- [grunting]

Hiyah!
Wah!

Wah!

Wah!

[speaking chinese]

Kiai!

[grunting]

[clattering]

You.

Go.

Hiu.
[swoosh]

Hiu!
Ya!

Wah!

Hiyah!

[thump]

[crash]

Hiyah!

[music playing]

Ow!

[thump]

[thump]

Gee, thanks.

Which reminds me of
the story about the day

the rabbi and the priest
decided to play a round of golf

with Aunt Jemima
and Geraldo Rivera.

IOKI: Hiyah-ah!

Oh!
WOMAN: Goodness!

MAN: Oh my god!

[music playing]

IOKI: Hold it right there.

The jig is up.

[swoosh]

Hi-u!

Don't be foolish, old man.

Hi-u!

[groaning]

[thump]

Mm.

[spits]

You have much to learn.

Doo-hiu-- hu.

Hiu-- hui.

Hui--
- Hiyah!

Ooh!

- Hiyah!
- Hoo!

Hiyah!
Hi-jui!

[whack]
- Hiyah!

Hiyah!
[whack]

- Ow!
- Ooh.

Hiyah!

Oof.

[grunting] Uh.

Hiyah!

Ah!

Hiy-uh!

[thump]

[breathing heavily]

Who are you?

[music playing]

You?

That is correct, dung beetle.

[click]

[music playing]

Now prepare to learn your
final lesson, dung beetle.

[whooshing]

If you prefer, I will destroy
you with my bare hands.

Hi-oh!

Waaa-- hi-jiu.

[gasping] Huh--

ha!

Hiy--

[whack]

[grunting]

Hiyah!

[whack]

(SLOWLY) Whoa-- ah!

(expl*si*n)

[laughing quietly]

Now we're even.

- Oh, Harry, please.
- What?

You've been reading
too many Zap comics.

So there was no
b*mb in the cake?

Of course not.

Would somebody please tell
me what really happened?

[clearing throat]

So, Officer Hanson.

Mm-hmm, Hanson.

S-O-N. H-A-N-S-O-N.
[clears throat]

S-O-N. Can you describe what
transpired this afternoon?

[exhales] [clears throat]

Words can't describe.

[sighs]

[music playing]

Hanson, Hanson,
Hanson-- can't you

see the lady has a job to do?

Come on.

Well, Judy, you
seem to understand

what I'm looking for.

Oh, of course I do.

You're a class act.

You want to get right down
to the heart of the matter.

That's right.

[music playing]

[knocking]
- Who is it?

CAPTAIN: Clark Gable.

Come on in, Fullie.

[door shuts]

Hiya, doll.

Hiya, Chief.

Say, you got anything
going after the show tonight?

Some friends are coming over.

Ruby and Choo-Choo DeLongo?

Johnny Walker and his
brothers Blackie and Red.

Ah.

Say.

why don't you forget
about this bum?

I can't, Fullie.

What, are you an elephant?

Just a woman--

scorned.

Now you listen here, doll.

You've got to pay
mind to business.

I mean, this ain't
just any rum-dum gig.

There's some high
muckety-muck out there.

The Senator, you mean.

Nah.

I'm talking three top dogs
from the William Morris Agency.

Look at me.

I'm doing cartwheels.

Hey, come on.

The boys are waiting backstage.

Earl's breaking in a
new accordion player.

Wants to go over
the new numbers.

I'll be there--

with bells on.

[music playing]

[heels clacking]

Hello, boys.

Hiya, doll face.

How's tricks?

You know, Pops,
tricks are for kids.

[chuckling] Give a hey to
Lester on the squeeze box.

Hey, Lester on
the squeeze box.

SENATOR: So the priest
loses his ball in the rough

and asks the rabbi if
he can take a Mulligan.

[laughter]

EARL: What's the man
yakety-yakking about?

Beats me.

What do those guys
ever really talk about?

Lining their pockets,
sticking it to the little guy,

and making the rich richer?

Skin's a little pink, eh?

Mm-hmm.

We go on in five minutes.

You all know the playlist?

Yeah.

Keep the masses sedated
with sentimental fluff

so they never wake
up and realize

that the fat cats like Mr. Golf
out there are exploiting them.

You know these accordion cats.

EMCEE: Ladies and gentlemen,
Senator Phillips--

EARL: OK, everybody.
Showtime.

EMCEE: Truman High School
is pleased to present,

direct from her smash
engagement at the Rainbow

Room in New York City,
the one, the only,

the sensational Judy Hoffs.

[music playing]

[applause]

(SINGING) There's a
somebody I'm longing to see.

I hope that he turns out to be
someone who'll watch over me.

I'm a little lamb who's
lost in the world.

I know I could always be good
to one who'll watch over me.

Oh, yeah.

Although he may not
be the man some girls

think of as handsome, to my
heart he carries the key--

oh, the key.

Oh, won't you tell him
please to put on some speed,

follow my lead.

Oh, how I need someone
to watch over me.

[applause]

[music playing]

[click]

Drink?

You asking me or telling me?

[chuckling] Waiter?

So what brings you here?

Well, word is this band
has a pretty fine songbird.

You got a lot of
moxie showing up here.

- Oh, let me talk to you.
- It's a free country.

[sighing] Hey, this
ain't easy for me.

Spit it out.

I want you back, baby.

I've left Wanda.

Just wasn't karat
like you and me.

Do you have any idea
what I've been going

through for the last two weeks?

Hoping you'd call, wondering
if it was something

I did or didn't do.
- Yeah, but listen, baby--

No, you listen.

If I decide to see you, it's
going to be on my terms, see?

I'm never going to let a man
have that kind of power over me

again.

Anything you say, baby.

Anything.

I've got another song to sing.

And don't call me baby.

[applause]

Where's Lester?

I don't know.

Aren't they wonderful?

Well, next we're going
to sing a song that I'd

like to dedicate to a certain--

uh, that I'd like to dedicate
to all of our Polish friends

out there.

It's a song I'm
sure you all know.

[accordion playing]

[pounding feet]

[clattering]

What goes, doll?

It's in the accordion.

[sputtering]

Hey, what are you, yellow?

Come on.

Quick, open that door.

[thump]

[groaning]

[crash]

[expl*si*n]

Where's the accordion player?

He made a getaway
after the last song.

CAPTAIN: He might still
be in the building.

Let's go.
- No.

You go.

I've got three Morris agents
out there, a set to finish,

and a boyfriend to set straight.

[panting]

That's my little star.

[exhaling]

[applause]

BLOWFISH: [snoring]

[yawning]

Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you done yet?

- Sal.
- He's right.

Nap time, baby.

Besides, there wasn't any
b*mb in the accordion anyway.

No?

It blew up, didn't it?

It broke.

Do you really want to know
what happened this afternoon?

No.
Don't tell me.

I don't want to know.

When I heard the
Senator was going

to speak at my old high
school, I wanted to be there.

I mean, what American wouldn't?

They never knew what hit them.

After that, the State
Championship game

was a piece of cake.

Hey, Sal, tell us
again about the time

you scored seven touchdowns
against Jefferson.

[scoffing] Come on,
it's ancient history.

Next?

Tell us about Wilbur.

[music playing]

[heavy breathing]

Or didn't they used to
tell stories about Wilbur

when you were a student here?

Come on, Corene.

Everybody knows those stories
are a bunch of baloney.

Wilbur Friedman is no baloney.

[scoffing] You're saying
there really was a Wilbur?

He was a custodian
here my freshman year.

Weird guy.

Lived in a tool shed out
by the athletic field.

No one paid much
attention to him,

until one day he
took a weed whipper

and turned the
entire cheerleading

squad into hamburger.

Gross.

Sal, I thought you
were for real, man.

But you're bunk.

You probably never even kicked
a field goal against Jefferson.

Let's get out of here, Corene.

[heavy breathing]

[music playing]

[heavy breathing]

[squeak]

Hey, hey!
Hey!

Hey!
What in the hell?

What are you doing?

[squeak]

It's all clear, sir.

[squeak]

Did you hear the one about
the rabbi and the priest?

[chuckling] Yes, sir.

Many times.

[laughing] Just kills me.

[water running]

(WHISPERING) Say,
isn't that the, uh--

[thump]
- Yeah, that's him.

[thump]

Really?

Nice [inaudible]

[whack]
- [groaning]

[whack]

[groaning]

[thump]

[weed whacker revving]

What's going on out there?

[weed whacker revving]

Wilbur!

All right, you maniac!

It's you and me now.

Come on!

Wilbur!

Wilbur!

Sal, get back to work,
you little homunculus.

[thump]

[engine humming]

[music playing]

[thump]

[groaning]

Hey.

[side conversations]

Your name, sir?

Pen.

Doug Hall.

Oh, yes, Commander Penhall.

Right this way, sir.

[side conversations]

Bid on black.

Ooh.

Thank you.

$ , , please.

Of course, Mr. Penhall.

, , .

$ , on double O.

The limit is sir.

You would break the bank.

Place your bets, please.

[ball rattling]

[ball clattering]

Oh!

DEALER: Winner.

Double zero.

[onlookers exclaiming]

Listen folks, he broke the bank.

I'm busted.

Why, yes.

Of course you are.

You got a nice bankroll there.

I bet you say
that all the boys.

Buy a washout a drink?

Perhaps we should
listen to the Senator.

Whatever you say.

SENATOR: So she turns to
the rabbi and says, oh yeah?

Well I got your
birdie right here.

[laughing]

Why don't we go
someplace cozy?

I'm going to slip into
something more comfortable.

Why don't you make us a drink?

[dial tone]

What did you
say your name was?

[music playing]

[inaudible]
[inaudible] [inaudible]

[spritz]

[thump]

And what's your name?

Hall, Doug Pen.

Oh!

Where's the b*mb?

You have to ask?

Don't be coy with me.

There's a bug in the
chandelier, and that

can only mean one thing.

SAL: That's right, Mr. Penhall.

[thump]

Sal [inaudible] Blowfish.

Ah, so nice to see you again.

What is it this time?

Gold?

Diamonds?

Junk bonds?

[laughing]

Nothing so insignificant,
Mr. Penhall.

I'd like you to
meet my colleague.

The Senator.

Not the Senator, Mr. Penhall.

But an incredible simulation.

They're doing marvelous
things these days

with plastic surgery.

Don't you agree?

Allow me to explain.

We have placed a large expl*sive
device in the laundry room,

behind the dais just where
the Senator is to be seated.

In the storage room?

The laundry room.

Along the back wall, behind
a large industrial dryer.

Oh, yes.

I know where that is.

Following this expl*si*n, we
will remove the Senator's body

and replace him with
Mr. Fukuyama here.

Following a short recovery,
he will return to Washington.

And I, Mr. Penhall, will have
an operative in a position

of incredible power.

[exhaling] [chuckling]

Prepare to die.

[inaudible], it is time.

[click]

And what time
is that, exactly?

Half past.

[whooshing]

Ah, what is this?

- [coughing]
- Ah!

- What is this?
- Ah!

What's going on?

What is this?

[music playing]

Open, damn you.

Open!

PENHALL (VOICEOVER): This
isn't the storage room.

[slam]
- Douglas, behind the dryer.

[clattering]

I couldn't bear the idea of
anything happening to you.

Down here.

[beeping]

No problem.

[door shuts]

Big problem.

[gasping]

[clang]

Oh!

[grunting]

[crash]

[breathing heavily]

[clang]

WOMAN: Get him!

[clank]

[groaning]

[clattering]

Ah!

[thump]

[groaning]

[thump]

[rapid accordion music]

[crash]

Douglas, hurry!

Huh?

The b*mb!

Oh, yeah.

[beeping]

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

Catch a tiger by the toe.

If he hollered, let him go.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

[snip]

[beeping stops]

[sighing]

Double .

I'm six better.

Well, I have to admit, I
was a tad nervous in there.

Yeah.

I know what you mean.

I always get nervous
whenever I right

disarm an air conditioner.

Well, it was a new model.

[inhaling] Oh, my god.

[laughing shakily]

ALL: [arguing]

BLOWFISH: You were singing.

HOFFS: You were in your bedroom.
BLOWFISH: Listen!

- You tell 'em.
- Listen up.

- I was out there kicking butt.
- You?

Are you sure about that?
- Kicking butt.

HOFFS: What are you going to do
with a cake with no b*mb in it?

The b*mb was in the cake.

The b*mb was in the accordion.

So--

[sighing]

Did you get what you need?

Yes, I did.

For a Kung-fu, musical, silent,
international spy epic, yes.

As to who saved the Senator--

Didn't you guys tell
her what really happened?

Well, compared to
what they told me,

"Batman" plays
like a documentary.

Well, maybe you should get
it from the horse's mouth,

as opposed to the other end.

Here.

Hey, kid.

Why don't tell Kathryn
here what you told me.

SENATOR: In the future, there
will be high schools on Mars.

Science will reach
new frontiers.

Instead of auto shop,
you'll have rocket shop.

[chuckling]

One small step for man,
one giant step for mankind.

[splat]

ALL: [screaming]

The eagle has landed, guys.

Oh, yeah!
- Now, kid.

Come on.

Let's go.

I had to protect the future.

Yeah, I can see you
as the antihero type.

This is perfect.

[click]

Uh, your tape ran out.

That is OK.

We'll just turn it over and
go over all this other crap.

[click]

Come here.
Tell me some more.

Well, so much for
your movie career.

I guess I'll hang
up my nunchucks.

I don't know why
she's talking to him.

I mean, I was the
one who caught him.

[squeak]

[horse whinnies]

[music - "happy trails"]

[hoof beats]

Happy trails to you,
till we meet again.

[theme music]

Jump!

Jump!

Jump!

[music playing]