07x31 - Take the Initial Premise Lightly, and It'll Cost You

[bunniefuu]

Kag: Too hot.

Gin: What the hell is going on this summer?

Gin: Apparently today's temperature set yet another all-time high.

Shin: Is this due to global warming, too?

Shin: Just what is this globe headed toward?

Kag: That's not what I mean.

Kag: I'm saying you guys are making it too hot in here!

Kag: Get out! This is my parasol, 'kay?!

Gin: Keep it down, or we'll attract attention.

Gin: We're tailing this guy, y'know.

Kag: Walking like three dumplings on a stick in this heat will attract way more attention!

Gin: Jump out under this blazing sun, and we dumplings will turn into a chicken kebab.

Gin: Share the love for once.

Gin: You always get this nice chill all to yourself.

Kag: Say what? I don't walk around with a parasol because I want to, 'kay?!

Kag: We Yato are—

Gin: Yeah, yeah.

Gin: I bet you'd almost forgotten about the whole "weak to sunlight" premise.

Gin: I bet you were struggling to keep up the act.

Shin: There have been plenty of times when

Shin: you forgot your parasol and ran around in the sunlight without a problem.

Shin: Just forget about the character premise and stuff.

Shin: In this heat, we should take it all off and cast it aside.

Kag: Why are you guys using the heat as an excuse to make outrageous remarks?

Gin: When you air a program for so long,

Gin: you're bound to run into one or two inconvenient premises.

Gin: Our viewers will understand.

Gin: Nobody will say anything if a parasol or a four-eyes vanishes in the next cut.

Shin: They sure as hell will!

Shin: Why are you k*lling off a human being along with a premise?!

Kag: Just get out already, 'kay?! It's stinking hot in here!

Gin: Don't wanna! I can't take the heat anymore!

Gin: No!

Shin: Gin-san! The target's entering the love hotel district!

Gin: What?!

Gin: Hurry up, get the camera ready!

Shin: Oh, no. We lost them.

Shin: There goes our chance to get proof of his adultery.

Gin: Nah. They probably entered one of these hotels.

Gin: We have no choice now.

Gin: Let's stake this place out and take their picture when they come out.

Shin: What? In this hellfire and brimstone?

Gin: I'll keep watch for now, so you guys

Gin: come take over in thirty minutes.

Gin: Hey, Kagura. Lend me your parasol.

Shin: You're holding it already.

Gin: Oh, crap.

Gin: Hey, Kagura. I'm borrowing this parasol, okay?

Gin: Hey, you listening to me?

Gin: Kagura?

Shin: Doesn't something seem off?

Shin: Kagura-chan?

Gin: Hey, Kagu...

Gin: Kagura.

Gin: Hey, Kagura!

Shin: Kagura-chan!

Title: Take the Initial Premise Lightly, and It'll Cost You

Hospital,Sign: Oedo Hospital

Warning ,Sign: Notice from Oedo Hospital: When watching television on the premises, please do so in a bright room and at a safe distance from the set.

Gin: So, Doctor.

Gin: What's wrong with Kagura?

DBJ: Just heatstroke...

Shin: Thank goodness.

DBJ: ...is what it looks like,

DBJ: but something's weird.

DBJ: We've given her all the usual treatments, but her fever's not going down at all.

DBJ: She's an alien, isn't she?

DBJ: And an extremely rare type, at that.

DBJ: Unfortunately, this hospital doesn't have any detailed data on the Yato race.

DBJ: I've heard they have extremely low resistance to sunlight.

DBJ: Do you have any idea what might've caused this?

DBJ: Like, did you expose her to sunlight for a long period?

Gin: No, I have no idea.

DBJ: Or, perhaps, force excessive work on her without giving her any water in this heat?

Gin: No, I have no idea.

DBJ: We'll admit her.

DBJ: All we can do is observe her condition for a while.

DBJ: In the meantime, I'll look for data and a hospital that can treat her.

DBJ: At this point, I'm afraid I can't tell you

DBJ: whether her condition will get better or worse.

Shin: I-It's our fault.

Shin: It's all because we took Kagura-chan's premise lightly and did such a horrible thing!

Gin: S-Settle down.

Gin: Surely her illness isn't a big deal.

Gin: Heat wave or not, she's been handling sunlight perfectly fine all this while.

Shin: Maybe she was pushing herself to keep up with us.

Shin: During her long stay on Earth,

Shin: the sun might've started eating into her body at some point!

Shin: It's all our fault!

Shin: We should've paid more attention!

Gin: Don't worry, man.

Gin: You know she's not the type to lose to mere sunlight.

Gin: She must be celebrating in her room because she gets to eat

Gin: something other than egg-on-rice.

Gin: Right, Kagura?

Kag: I'm telling you, I don't want this.

Kag: I don't have any appetite.

N: But if you don't eat, your body won't get better.

Kag: It won't get better, even if I do eat.

Kag: I know my body better than anyone else.

Shin: K-Kagura-chan!

Kag: Oh, you two came to see me.

Shin: What's wrong, Kagura-chan?

Gin: What happened to the "kay"? Why are you coughing all of a sudden?

Shin: I can't believe you're not touching your food.

Shin: Are you that sick?

Kag: Sorry for messing up our job.

Kag: I tried my best not to be a burden on you all,

Kag: but it seems that only burdened you more.

Kag: You don't have to worry about me.

Kag: I knew that this day would come.

Kag: That this sunny planet was no place

Kag: for bloody, violent outcasts like us.

Kag: That there was no place for us in this warm sunlight.

Kag: But even while the scorching light b*rned my body every day,

Kag: and the agony chipped away at my life,

Kag: I didn't leave you all

Kag: because I just didn't want to.

: You were suffering that much? You were enduring that much?!

Kag: So don't worry, Gin-chan.

Kag: It's not your fault at all.

Gin: It's my fault?! Am I really the bad guy here?!

Gin: C-Come on, Kagura. Quit joking.

Gin: It's just heatstroke, right?

Gin: You'll be fine.

Gin: Y-You're such a drama queen, jeez.

Gin: Don't worry.

Gin: You'll be all better before—

N: What did you just do?!

Shin: Kagura-chan!

N: The doctor! Call the doctor!

Shin: Kagura-chan! Kagura-chan!

N: Just leave this to us.

N: Don't disturb her any more!

Shin: Kagura-chan! Kagura-chan!

N: Jeez, what is wrong with you?

N: I did tell you to hydrate yourself,

N: but after drinking this much, no wonder you don't want to eat.

Kag: Yeah. Sorry about that.

Kag: That worked better than I expected.

Kag: Feel more guilty. Blame yourself more.

Kag: You will regret making light of my heavy premise and treating me like garbage.

Kag: Luckily, this hospital doesn't seem to know much about the Yato.

Kag: Nobody will realize that I only have a summer cold.

Kag: This is a great chance for them to

Kag: learn once again the gravity of my premise, and just how important I am to them.

Kag: I'll stay like this and mess with them for a while longer.

N: How are you doing today, Kagura-san?

N: My body still feels as heavy as a rock and really sluggish.

N: I think I'll have to stay in the hospital for another week.

N: Huh? Was this the maternity ward?

N: Kagura-san, someone's here to visit you.

N: Wait, wait!

N: Crap, my belly!

Gin: Kagura, I'm coming in.

Kag: G-Gin-chan...

Kag: You came to visit me so early in the morning?

Gin: Y-Yeah. We spent the night in the hospital too, actually.

Gin: You okay?

Gin: Your breathing is ragged. Are you in pain?

Kag: Y-Yeah. My chest has been hurting since yesterday, and I couldn't sleep.

Gin: Also, what's up with that bulge under your blanket?

Kag: M-My body's gotten really bloated due to being exposed to bright sunlight.

Kag: Don't look at me. I don't want you all to see me like this.

Gin: Kagura...

Gin: R-Relax.

Gin: This is you we're talking about.

Gin: Everyone will just think you ate too much again. No one will care.

Kag: I really did just eat too much, though.

Gin: Oh, and I'll be staying in this room from today on, too.

Gin: Well, with the air conditioning here, it seems more comfortable than Odd Jobs,

Gin: and I can ogle nurses all I want.

Gin: So, uh...

Gin: You can relax and get some sleep.

Gin: This room is the same as the Odd Jobs you know.

Kag: He's being more considerate than usual.

Kag: Thank you, Gin-chan.

Kag: But I don't know how much longer I'll be able to stay with you guys,

Kag: so I want to stay awake and spend as much time as possible with you.

Gin: D-Don't be stupid!

Gin: You'll jinx yourself.

Gin: I'm going to the store to buy Jump.

Gin: Do you need anything?

Kag: I-I want to eat pudding.

Gin: Pudding, huh?

Gin: Here.

Kag: That was quick!

Kag: Even though this is the third floor, and the store is on the first,

Kag: he got back in an instant!

Kag: Was it because I said I wanted to spend as much time as possible with them?

Kag: He must be feeling really guilty.

Kag: That said, he could be as useful as Doraemon right now.

Kag: Sorry, Gin-chan.

Kag: I thought I could eat something sweet, but my stomach's all queasy.

Kag: I'd like something more liquidy, like yo—

Gin: Yogurt, right?

Kag: Too quick!

Kag: He went and b*at up Gian before Nobita could even finish saying "Doraemon"!

Kag: But he was so quick,

Kag: this hasn't even turned into yogurt yet!

Kag: Uh, Gin-chan, this hasn't fermented yet.

Kag: You were too quick.

Gin: Oh, is that so? No wonder I couldn't understand what was going on in Jump.

Gin: This is next week's issue.

Kag: What's that supposed to mean?!

Kag: You were so fast, you went to a store in the future?!

Kag: N-Never mind, then.

Kag: You love strawberry milk, right?

Kag: You can have this.

Gin: Yeah, I drank it earlier.

Kag: Forget fast, now he's just pissing me off.

Kag: In the end, all he did was hand me trash!

Kag: Eating that pudding made me sleepy.

Gin: Before you sleep, there's something I want to talk about.

Gin: Which would you prefer? A big funeral, or a small, private one?

Kag: You're jumping the g*n!

Kag: That's not the kind of sleep I was talking about.

Gin: S-Sorry, that was insensitive of me.

Gin: I wasn't talking about you.

Gin: I meant this.

Kag: That's way more insensitive!

Gin: I was thinking, if we could give you a sky burial, that'd be a big help.

Kag: You'd be fine even if I d*ed, huh?

Gin: That's not true!

Kag: You're right.

Kag: With my body in this state, I'll soon...

Kag: Yeah.

Kag: See that tree outside the window?

Kag: By the time...

Sac: Why is that shrimp flirting with Gin-san?!

Kag: By the time that pervert falls from the tree, I'll be gone, too.

Gin: Th-There's no need to worry. Look!

Gin: The pervert is still hanging from that tree, all lively!

Kag: I wouldn't call that lively.

Kag: Anyway, not that one.

Shin: Sis, we need to hurry up and visit Kagura-chan!

Kag: The pervert over there is already stuck in the ground.

Gin: Don't worry! Look!

Gin: When a pervert falls to the ground, it'll sprout another pervert!

Kag: Not that one.

Kag: That one there is seriously trying to fall.

Gin: He was already fallen to begin with.

Kag: Oh, is that so?

Mad: Aren't you gonna save me?!

Gin: Look, everyone's here to visit you.

Gin: Cheer up.

Gin: If you look that gloomy, they'll laugh at you.

Kag: Looks like he's reflected on his actions a little.

Kag: Oh well.

Kag: Yeah, I kinda feel better now.

Gin: Kagura!

Kag: sh**t! I got greedy and ate too much!

Gin: Y-You okay?

Gin: Wait, what?

Gin: What's with your belly?

Kag: I-I can't breathe!

Kag: My consciousness is fading...

Gin: Hey, Kagura!

Gin: Doctor! Somebody help!

Gin: Hang in there, Kagura!

Gin: Kagura!

Kag: Th-This is bad.

Kag: I managed to distract him from my belly,

Kag: but now I'm in critical condition instead!

Kag: I never intended to take it this far. What do I do?

Hospital ,Sign: Oedo Hospital

Kag: What do I do?!

Shin: Gin-san, how's Kagura-chan?

Shin: K-Kagura-chan...

Shin: Kagura-chan!

Tae: How...

Tae: How did it come to this?

Gin: It's all my fault!

Gin: If only I'd realized it sooner...

Gin: Damn it...

Gin: Damn it...

Gin: Damn it all!

Kag: Oh my God.

Kag: Th-The mood in here has taken a seriously bad turn!

Kag: It totally feels like this is my deathbed!

Kag: I can't tell them. Not after all this.

Kag: I'd rather die than tell them it was just a summer cold!

Kag: This wasn't how it was supposed to be. I never intended to take it this far!

Kag: How did it come to this?

Kag: At this rate, the mood is gonna keep getting worse.

Kag: It's gonna get harder and harder to tell the truth!

Kag: I-I need to tell them now.

Kag: B-But no matter what excuse I make now,

Kag: it's obvious that they'll b*at me into a coma.

Kag: I should wait for the right moment

Kag: and make it look like my condition's getting better!

Kag: H-Hey, Doctor!

Kag: Do something!

DBJ: Her heart rate and pulse are both perfectly stable.

DBJ: How could she be in a coma?

DBJ: This is a Yato disease, huh?

DBJ: There's nothing we can do with our medical science.

Kag: Uh, no, I'm just feigning illness here.

Kag: Just inject some medicine or give me a suppository, and I'll pretend to get better!

DBJ: Forgive me.

DBJ: Please stay by her side and continue to encourage her.

Kag: Aren't you a doctor?!

Kag: Do something! Anything!

Shin: Kagura-chan, hang in there!

Shin: Open your eyes!

Kag: They're wide open!

Kag: My eyeballs are dry as a desert! Let me rest them already!

Shin: Please come back to us, Kagura-chan!

Kag: I'm ready to come back at any time, so just give me a chance to!

Tae: Kagura-chan!

Kag: Oh, I know!

Kag: I can pretend I woke up thanks to them calling out to me!

Tae: Kagura-chan!

Shin: Kagura-chan!

Kag: One more!

Gin: Kagura—

Oto: Stop it.

Oto: She's fought long enough.

Oto: Let her rest in peace.

Kag: Why'd you have to say that, you old hag?!

Kag: I could've woken up with one more call!

Shin: Otose-san...

Oto: Don't look so pathetic.

Oto: Can't you at least

Oto: send her off

Oto: with a smile

Oto: in the end?

Kag: Don't give up on me so easily!

Kag: I can still go on!

Kag: I'm perfectly fine!

Tama: I can tell you're all suffering.

Tama: But instead of spending her final moments in sorrow,

Tama: we should be ourselves.

Tama: Wouldn't that make Kagura-sama happier?

Kag: No. You're saying all the right things, but you're still giving up too quickly.

Cat: Tama's right.

Cat: Now, more than ever,

Cat: we must show her the everyday routine she loved so much.

Cat: Sakata-san,

Cat: cough up last month's rent.

Kag: Who cares about that?!

Kag: Now's not the time for that, is it?!

Gin: It's all my fault.

Gin: If only I hadn't gone to pachinko!

Kag: It really is your fault.

Kag: This is too serious! Were your rent-collecting scenes always this serious?!

Oto: I see.

Oto: Then, out of respect for Kagura,

Oto: I'll write it off as funeral fees.

Gin: Thanks.

Gin: I'd better be grateful to Kagura.

Oto: Not Kagura's.

Oto: Your funeral.

Gin: Touché.

Kag: That's not funny. There's a limit to dark humor!

Kag: And you, don't laugh your ass off! Want me to k*ll you?!

Kag: They've completely given up.

Kag: I'll never find a lifeboat here.

Kag: Somebody help!

Kag: Isn't there anyone who believes I won't die, someone who'll encourage me?!

Kyu: Isn't it too early to give up?

Kyu: Aren't you Kagura-chan's friends?

Kyu: If you give up on her this easily,

Kyu: what will become of her?

Kag: You guys!

Kag: You came to encourage me because I was sick?

Tsu: Don't give up hope just yet.

Spirit,Sign: For the spirit of the deceased

Tsu: I borrowed funeral offerings from everyone in advance.

Tsu: Use this to hold a funeral.

Kag: You were talking about the funeral?!

Spirit ,Sign: For the spirit of the deceased

Kag: I'm not even dead, and I'm already getting funeral offerings.

Kag: What, do people think I'm dead already?

Tae: You guys...

Tsu: I collected these from Yoshiwara, the Yagyu clan, and various other places.

Tsu: Use it.

Sac: That's Yoshiwara's most useful woman for you.

Kag: She's looking out for so many people that she's forgotten all about me!

Oto: Thank you so much.

Oto: I'm sure Kagura's smiling from up in heaven.

Kag: Seriously, I'm not dead yet!

Sac: Don't be so distant.

Sac: We need to support one another in these trying times.

Sac: So cheer up, everyone.

Kag: I'm the one who needs cheering up!

Kyu: Sarutobi, where's your funeral offering?

Gin: Th-Thank you!

Gin: I'll repay you by doubling it in pachinko!

Kag: You're gonna use the money on pachinko?!

Kag: So you don't intend to hold a funeral at all?!

Oto: In that case, consider rent as my offering.

Shin: Gin-san, my wages for this month, too.

Kag: Hey! What are you talking about?!

Gin: F-Forgive me, Kagura.

Gin: You'll be fine with a can of fruit drops as your grave, right?

Kag: Don't think you can get away with anything if you punch the wall and act the part!

Kyu: Gintoki, are you planning on embezzling our funeral offerings?

Kyu: Unacceptable. We're doing this for Kagura-chan's funeral.

Gin: I appreciate the thought,

Gin: but her will said to put her ashes in a can of fruit drops

Gin: and scatter them in a parking lot.

Tsu: You're the one who needs his ashes scattered!

Tsu: Kagura's spirit wouldn't pass on that way.

Tsu: She must be given a proper send-off.

Sac: That's right.

Sac: It'll be held alongside my wedding with Gin-san, so let's make it a big ceremony.

Tae: Good idea.

Tae: And then you two morons will also have your ashes scattered in a parking lot.

Tae: Wonderful.

Cat: And while we're at it,

Cat: let's hold a funeral for a certain hag, as well.

Oto: Funeral for who?!

Sac: If we set off for a new world in a group of three, Kagura-chan won't be lonely.

Tsu: You've got a point.

Kag: Uh, they're kinda getting engrossed in funeral chat.

Kag: Everything's proceeding under the premise that I'm dead.

Kag: This is bad news.

Kag: I might get thrown into a coffin at this rate.

Kag: I'd better do something.

Oki: Give it a rest.

Sign: Preview

Kag: This is bad.

Kag: I ran out of time while looking for a chance to revive.

Keep Your Farewells Short

Kag: The next episode will be "Keep Your Farewells Short" or something.

Sign: Preview

Kag: What do I do?!

text r: No matter what the occasion,

text l: don't talk for too long.

text r: It puts a damper on the proceedings

text l: and makes legs go numb.