09x05 - Life, Death, and Shades/All the Answers Can Be Found in the Field
Posted: 09/24/22 06:30
Gintama,OP Card: Gintama
Slip Arc,OP Card: Slip Arc
Warning,Warning: Watch the Slip Arc in a bright room and at a safe distance from your TV!
Gol: Don't do it. You'll be mincemeat if you fall from this high up.
Mad: Don't get the wrong idea.
Mad: I just want to know if I still have the wings to fly.
Mad: And I came here to find out, is all.
Gol: Life is precious. Don't throw it away.
Title: Life, Death, and Shades
Mad: Look who's talking!
Mad: You totally wanna lay waste to a life!
Mad: You're totally trying to k*ll someone, right? You're an assassin, aren't you?!
Gol: Don't get the wrong idea. I'm just here to hunt boars.
Mad: From how far away are you trying to hunt boars?!
Mad: Really, don't be stupid. Don't commit a m*rder.
Gol: I don't wanna hear that from a suicidal man.
Mad: I don't wanna hear that from an assassin!
Gol: I don't wanna hear that from a man wearing filthy-ass shades.
Mad: I don't wanna hear that from a man wearing lame-ass shades!
Gol: Your shades are more lame.
Mad: Nah, your shades are more lame.
Gol: Let me be honest.
Gol: I couldn't care less what kind of shades you wear, or when and where you wear them.
Mad: We're talking about shades now?!
Gol: Besides, do you really have it in you to jump?
Gol: You've been doing this every day for the past month.
Mad: Even though I want to die,
Mad: thinking about shades smashing into the ground makes my shades tremble.
Mad: You're an assassin, right?
Mad: Do you know a way to die that isn't scary or sad and doesn't hurt or break shades?
Gol: You're basically saying you don't wanna die.
Mad: If nothing else, I want my shades to live on!
Gol: Can't you just take them off before you die?
Gol: I'm an assassin, you know.
Gol: If I stop to think about how my victims feel, I couldn't do my—
Mad: Oh, I know!
Mad: I could just have you k*ll me!
Gol: Wha—
Mad: You could send me to heaven in one sh*t, without letting me feel any pain or fear!
Gol: Screw you. Do you have any idea how much money is involved in each of my sh*ts?
Gol: I don't waste my rounds.
Gol: Be it when I'm k*lling my targets
Gol: or when I'm making love to women.
Gol: All it takes is one sh*t. It's over in an instant.
G: Huh? Done already, CEO?
Gol: That's my creed.
One_and_Done,Sign: One and Done
Gol: and that's where my moniker of "One and Done Synshen" comes from.
Synshen,Sign: Synshen
Mad: They're just mocking you for sh**ting your load early!
Mad: Guess I'll have to k*ll myself right here and now, then.
Gol: Wait, wait.
Gol: How about this?
Gol: You head to the roof of that skyscraper now.
Welcome_to_Earth,Sign: Welcome to Earth!!
Gol: My target is taking part in a welcoming party there.
Mad: You're really hunting a boar?!
Gol: Once I give the signal, jump off the roof.
Gol: When you fall into my crosshairs that will be aimed at my target,
Me,SignB: Me
Boar,SignR: Boar
Gol: I will pierce you both through with one sh*t.
Gol: That should do, right?
Mad: Aren't you making this too hard for yourself?
Mad: And the shades are being smashed to bits anyway!
Mad: I guess around here is fine.
Mad: Now I just have to wait for the signal.
Mad: With this, I can finally go to heaven—
Gol: Don't do it.
Gol: You'll be mincemeat if you fall from this high up.
Gol: Put yourself in the shoes of the lady who runs the cutlet place down there.
Gol: Actually, before all that...
Gol: Life is precious. Don't throw it away.
Mad: Really?! Here, too?!
Mad: There's an assassin here, too?!
Gol: If you don't want to die, leave at once.
Mad: But I do want to die!
Gol: I hear that One and Done Synshen is targeting this building.
Mad: Could he be an assassin hired by Synshen's enemy to k*ll him?
Mad: I have to go tell him right now, or the assassin who's gonna k*ll me will lose his...
Mad: Wait.
Gol: I see. Synshen is on that rooftop.
Gol: I must thank you for telling me.
Mad: Oh, you can just sh**t me in the head in return.
Gol: Sorry, but I can't do that.
Gol: Even an assassin has his creed.
Gol: The only people I k*ll arescumbags like Synshen.
Gol: Be it targets or women,
Gol: I don't go after those on the straight and narrow.
G: Huh? Done already, CEO?
Gol: That's where my moniker "Quickdraw Synron" comes from.
Quick,Sign: Quickdraw
Synron,Sign: Synron
Mad: Your moniker has nothing to do with your creed!
Mad: Are all assassins too quick to sh**t their loads?
Gol: How about we do this?
Gol: You head back to that building
Gol: and lure Synshen somewhere I can snipe him
Gol: using a scummy tactic.
Gol: If you do that, I promise to sh**t both you scumbags in the head.
Mad: This has gotten even more complicated!
Mad: I came here to die!
Mad: Why am I playing accomplice in an assassination?!
Mad: S-Synshen...
Mad: They got me.
Mad: Run away.
Mad: The enemy already has the entire city under its control.
Mad: I wanted to let you know that your life is in grave danger...
Gol: Hey, hang in there!
Mad: B-Before I die, could you take me up there?
Gol: Just wait.
Mad: Hell yeah! He fell for it!
Gol: I'll get you to a hospital right away.
Mad: No, forget that. Just take me up there before I die.
Gol: You moron! Don't be so quick to say you're gonna die!
Mad: Why is he so full of passion?!
Gol: I told you that I'd k*ll you.
Gol: Don't you dare die until then.
Mad: He's a much nicer guy than I thought!
Mad: W-Wait. Aren't you a professional assassin?
Mad: Are you sure you should leave your job unfinished?
Gol: What do you think is more important? A job, or a person's life?
Mad: And who was it that was taking people's lives on the job?
Gol: Damn those scumbags.
Mad: Uh, you're the scumbag. Don't forget where you stand.
Gol: First they take my sister, and now they want to take my friend, too?
Mad: When did we become friends?!
Gol: What's going on?
Gol: Is there a sn*per on that rooftop, too?
Mad: Sorry, Synron-san! This is as far as I can go!
Mad: I mean, he's actually a really nice guy!
Gol: I'll be the decoy.
Gol: In the meantime, you use this to take out that sn*per.
Mad: Asking a half-dead guy to k*ll someone?
Mad: I can't tell if he's a nice guy or a bad guy anymore!
Gol: Don't die.
Mad: Like I said, I came here to die!
Mad: What the hell is going on?!
Mad: I came here to die!
Mad: I don't care anymore! I'll k*ll or whatever!
Mad: If I actually try to k*ll Synron, I'm sure he'll k*ll me.
Mad: He's already dead!
Mad: Hey! What are you doing?
Gol: S-Sorry, I screwed up.
Gol: I panicked and rushed to k*ll Synshen, but I failed to notice my rounds were gone.
Mad: He took that chance to hit you?
Gol: No, like I said...
Gol: I lost my rounds.
Mad: That really is one hell of a screw-up!
Gol: If I don't have any rounds, I can't k*ll you.
Mad: You don't need those round ones for that.
Gol: I'm no longer fit to be a sn*per.
G: Huh? Done already, CEO?
Mad: You were never fit and f*ring there anyway!
Gol: But it's fine.
Gol: Even if I did have the rounds, I wouldn't have been able to fire.
Gol: Some scumbag he was.
Gol: I can't believe he acted like that in front of his enemy in the middle of a hit job.
Gol: Do you know why my boss is being targeted by Synshen?
: This is what people call him behind his back:
: "sl*ve trader."
: The stuff he peddles includes people
: and Synshen's kid sister who was with him when he was an orphan.
: Only then did he start walking down the path of a scumbag.
: So when I saw him do that, I realized something.
: He came here as a brother trying to save his sister.
: Could you tell him something for me?
: "I don't have the rounds to sh**t you with anymore,
: but I still have enough to unload into scumbags!"
Mad: Unload those into me, not scumbags!
Mad: I'm done with this crap!
Mad: I'm just gonna jump off the roof!
Gol: It's been years since we were sold off.
Gol: Our appearances have changed completely since then,
Gol: and we even cast our names aside,
Gol: but it seems we both chose to walk down the same path to get our sibling back.
Gol: You don't have the rounds to sh**t me with anymore?
Gol: Ichiko, you never had any round ones to begin with.
Boar: You siblings would've been better off k*lling each other.
Boar: If you two can't settle things yourselves, I can help.
Gol: You were always like that, Ichiko.
Gol: You loved to dress up like a boy and play with us.
Gol: You're so mean, Ichiro-nii!
Gol: I'm out of water here!
Gol: That's why I keep telling you...
Gol: You're too quick to sh**t your load.
Gol: Jeez! How can I win, then?
Gol: Isn't that obvious?
Gol: You put everything you have into one sh*t.
Boar: Is he going to sh**t me along with his sister?
Gol: Get ready for my best sh*t.
Gol: Because I've already fired it.
Mad: If you can k*ll me, I'd like to see you try!
Mad: Man, in the end...
Mad: I didn't die!
Gol: Looks like your wings are still right there.
Mat: In our job, fieldwork is everything.
Special_Crash_Co,Sign: Special Crash Course for Upper Management Candidates
Mat: But in any organization, the skilled employees are the first to leave the field
Mat: and take up leadership roles.
Mat: All of you master investigators will learn how the nectar of authority tastes.
Mat: But I didn't promote you just so you could rot.
Mat: What I'm basically trying to say is,
Mat: no matter how far up the ladder you climb,
Mat: never forget the field where you came from.
Hij: Pearls of wisdom from the super boss who spends taxpayer money on cabaret clubs.
Kon: Don't be like that, Toshi.
Hij: We don't need a crash course. We're drowning in fieldwork every day.
Hij: I mean, we're full of idiots who think desk work means sleeping on a desk.
Hij: And who is he calling master investigators?
Hij: These useless rich kids who landed comfy jobs using their family names and contacts?
Kon: Hey, Toshi! They can hear you!
Hij: I want them to.
Hij: Oh, sorry. You're a rich kid from a famous family too, aren't you...
Hij: Mimawarigumi Chief Sasaki-dono?
Isa: No need to worry, Shinsengumi Vice Chief Hijikata-dono.
Isa: Once I become director-general, I'll effect elite reform by the elite for the elite.
Isa: For starters, maybe I should fire that napping thorny
Isa: and the dummy spreading secondhand smoke.
Isa: Don't you agree, Nobume-san?
Hij: Elite reform, my ass! Your subordinate is napping in class, too!
Nob: I'm not napping.
Nob: I'm snacking.
Japanese_for__Go,Sign: Japanese for Good Kids
Hij: They're both equally bad!
Oki: Hate to break it to ya, but I'm not napping, either.
Oki: I was pretending so people wouldn't figure out during recess that I have no friends.
Hij: Why the triumphant look?
Hij: Why are you two competing over school tropes?
Hij: Also, a guy messing with his phone during a lecture has no right to complain to me.
Isa: I'm merely noting down the important points.
Hij: And I'm using nicotine to clear my head so I can pay attention!
Isa: Crap, game over.
Hij: So you were just playing a mobile game!
Mat: Keep it down, you louts!
Mat: b*at it to the hallway in under three seconds,
Mat: or I'll blow your brains out.
Mat: One...
Title: All the Answers Can Be Found in the Field
All: What happened to two and three?!
Special_Crash_Co,Sign: Special Crash Course for Upper Management Candidates
Mat: So, yeah...
Mat: We'll have these guys act as guinea pigs, experience a crime scene, and investigate.
Mat: It's just a simulation, but I want you all to rack your brains along with them.
Hij: I don't care if it's a simulation or whatever. Bring it on.
Isa: Yes, though we'd rather not be compared to these people. Right, Nobume-san?
Records_of_the_T,Sign: Records of the Three Kingdoms
Nob: If you defeat Cao Cao early, you lose motivation
Nob: and stop caring about uniting China.
Oki: Cao Cao can be the last boss, then. Whoever defeats Wei first wins.
Kon: Okay, he said simulation, but not that kind!
Mat: A fictional crime scene will be displayed in VR.
Mat: Analyze the crime using the clues at the scene and identify the culprit.
Kon: Wh-What is this?
Kon: It's like the real thing!
Mat: This is HQ, you know. We have all the cutting-edge tech.
Mat: And we have files on every kind of case imaginable.
Mat: This case, based on a massive amount of data, is no different from the real thing.
Mat: Here's the gist of it. A corpse was found on this river bank.
Mat: An old lady living nearby was the first to find it.
Mat: She testified that she was here to do laundry when she saw it drift by from upstream.
Kon: What kind of case is this?!
Kon: HQ's case files clearly have folktales from Japan mixed in!
Mat: I hear a similar case happened in the past.
Kon: Like hell it did! This is Momotaro!
Hij: We don't know for sure that this is Momotaro yet.
Kon: Uh, he obviously is. He was even inside a peach.
Hij: Acting on misconceptions can lead to mistakes.
Kon: The granny was here to do laundry!
Hij: Pops, was the peach already split when it was found?
Mat: Granny testified that she pulled it out in this state when it came drifting by.
Kon: We're actually doing this? We're investigating this stupid case?
Hij: That's weird.
Hij: If he came drifting by in this state, Momotaro's body should be wet.
Kon: You just called him Momotaro. You admitted it is him, right?
Hij: Also, can an old lady really drag a peach with an adult inside all this way?
Hij: There's something off here.
Kon: Yeah, like an adult being inside a peach!
Hij: The granny probably wasn't alone when she found this.
Hij: What is Gramps's alibi?
Mat: Cutting grass in the mountains.
Kon: That was an alibi?!
Kon: It was something that scary?
Old_Man__Possess,Sign: Old ManPossession
Sickle,Sign: Sickle
Hij: Pops, get us a DNA comparison on Gramps's sickle and Momotaro's blood.
Kon: What are you thinking? That's terrifying!
Hij: The fatal wound matches the way the peach was split.
Hij: In other words, he was k*lled by the old couple when they split the peach.
Kon: What the hell kind of folktale is this?!
Hij: They didn't do it on purpose. It was an accident.
Hij: But that's why they fabricated alibis...
Isa: You're mistaken.
Isa: It seems you're the one who is shackled by the story of Momotaro.
Isa: That's why you overlooked a vital piece of evidence.
Hij: What?
Isa: You're too fixated on the man inside the peach, the granny's laundry,
Isa: and Gramps's grass cutting.
Isa: Hence, you assumed that this tragedy occurred at the start of the Momotaro story.
Isa: But that's a mistake. Why, you ask?
Isa: Ask yourself, why is Momotaro so big when he was only just born from the peach?
Kon: You're taking issue with that now?!
Kon: You ignore the "born from a peach" thing and take issue with that?!
Kon: And why are you shocked?!
Isa: Going from his filthy clothes and the lack of kibi dango,
Isa: we can tell that he'd already finished fighting the ogres.
Isa: This incident happened after the end of the story.
Hij: Then why was he inside a peach again?
Isa: Look at this wound.
Isa: There's pretty much no sign of blood loss.
Isa: This proves that he was already dead when he got the wound.
Isa: What that means is...
Isa: Somebody k*lled him and dumped him in the river
Isa: in order to frame that old couple for m*rder.
Kon: Why is this getting so complicated?!
Isa: It was all camouflage.
Isa: But thanks to that, we can narrow down the list of suspects.
Isa: When you consider Momotaro's situation after fighting the ogres,
Isa: the true culprit
Isa: can only be one of these three.
Isa: It is said that Momotaro's party brought back treasure from Onigashima.
Isa: But we're talking about animals and a peach-born monster here.
Isa: It's not hard to picture them fighting over the treasure.
Kon: How much must you corrupt Momotaro before you're satisfied?
Isa: Among them, the only one who can place such a cunning trap is the mon—
Oki: It wasn't the monkey.
Oki: Shackled by the story of Momotaro, you overlooked something vital.
Oki: Monkeys can't use money.
Kon: Why does Captain Obvious have such a smug look?!
Kon: Their reasoning is getting stupider by the minute!
Kon: And why do you have a look of shock?!
Oki: In other words, the real culprit is either the dog or the pheasant.
Kon: Dogs and pheasants can't use money, either!
Nob: You're wrong.
Nob: None of them is the culprit.
Nob: You're so shackled by the Momotaro story that you've gone blind.
Oki: What? How can you say for sure?
Nob: Because that'd be a pain.
Kon: She ultimately wrote it off as a pain!
Kon: Anyone would look shocked after that!
Hij: Well, they're all animals either way. Can't really question them.
Hij: Pops, I'd like to see the autopsy report.
Hij: There must be another fatal wound somewhere.
Mat: Sorry to say this, Toshi,
Mat: but this is the only external wound that stands out.
Mat: However, x-rays did find something strange in his trachea.
Mat: Something shaped like a dango.
Kon: Uh, he totally d*ed choking on kibi dango!
Isa: This is why I can't stand plebs. That's not kibi dango.
Isa: It's what the monkey pooped out after eating the kibi dango.
Isa: You know how monkeys throw their own poop? I knew it, the monkey was the culprit.
Isa: I was right. An elite was right.
Isa: Praise the elite.
Kon: You're not thinking like an elite now!
Hij: You stupid? The gramps and gran would obviously be the ones feeding him.
Hij: Tempted by the treasure, they choked him to death using kibi dango.
Hij: The old farts really were the culprits. I was right.
Hij: Praise mayonnaise.
Kon: Didn't you paint them in a totally different light before?
Isa: The monkey.
Hij: Gramps and gran.
Isa: The monkey.
Hij: Gramps and gran.
Isa: The monkey's gramps and gran.
Hij: Gramps and gran's monkey.
Isa: We agreed it was the monkey just now, right?
Oki: Okay, fine. Let's take the middle option and say it was the eunuch monkey.
Kon: Middle option of what? Where'd the gramps and gran go?
Nob: It can be Monkey and Aska's gramps and gran, then.
Kon: Wait, what happened to Chage?
Isa: At this point, let's settle this once and for all.
Isa: Director-General, it doesn't matter if they're animals.
Isa: Let us question Momotaro's party.
Mat: Oh, if you want them...
Mat: They're in here.
Kon: All the suspects have been eaten!
Isa: Wait, are you saying Momotaro was the perpetrator?
Isa: I see. So that's how it is.
Isa: They were stranded on the way back from Onigashima.
Isa: The sad fate of his party is proof enough.
Isa: Instead of treasure, they fought to eat each other's kibi dango and bodies.
Isa: And almost like divine punishment,
Isa: the last bite, his friend's kibi dango, got caught in his throat.
Isa: The one who k*lled him was none other than himself.
Kon: No way... That can't be.
Kon: How can such a laughable cause of death turn into something so sad?
Kon: Toshi...
Hij: This is what the field is like.
Hij: It shoves harsh realities and even harsher truths right into our faces.
Hij: But we must not avert our eyes.
Hij: As cops, we have the duty to find the truth even if it's shrouded in darkness.
Kon: T-Toshi!
Hij: Look at this.
No_sneaking_bite,Sign: No sneaking bites.
Hij: It's a bag.
Hij: It likely had kibi dango inside.
Hij: He probably didn't eat a single dango.
No_sneaking_bite,Sign: No sneaking bites.
Hij: He must've given them all to his friends and chewed on his sandals or something.
Hij: But they went down one after another.
Hij: Considering how he could eat crap like this,
Hij: he must've ended up being the last one alive.
Hij: The rest of the story is as you said.
Hij: He chose that path in order to live.
Hij: You can't eat a bag like this unless you have extreme resolve.
Hij: He must've really wanted to live...
Hij: His friends' share of life, too.
Kon: Toshi...
Isa: Are you saying that sappy crap was the kind of reality you saw?
Hij: That's right.
Hij: This is the truth I believe in, the truth I found at this crime scene!
Mat: Bzzt.
Mat: Too bad. Close, but no cigar.
Mat: You got the "Momotaro was k*lled" part right.
Mat: But this isn't Momotaro.
Mat: It's the boss of Onigashima, who ate the entire Momotaro party alive.
Mat: Disguised as Momotaro, he came to the mainland to eat more humans...
Mat: But he d*ed without achieving his goal.
Cause_of_Death,Sign: Cause of Death
Mat: Basically,
Mat: the real culprit is a brain tumor. That's it.
Mat: That's it.
Sign: The End
Mat: That's it!
Title: Leagues in Search of a Scabbard
Gin: Next time: " Leagues in Search of a Scabbard."
TextR: Sure, it's been a while since we've seen Tetsuko,
TextL: but she has a fair amount of screen time, like in the live-action movie.
TextR: Perhaps because he treated swords like crap at a smithy,
TextL: Gintoki's butthole gets att*cked by one!
Slip Arc,OP Card: Slip Arc
Warning,Warning: Watch the Slip Arc in a bright room and at a safe distance from your TV!
Gol: Don't do it. You'll be mincemeat if you fall from this high up.
Mad: Don't get the wrong idea.
Mad: I just want to know if I still have the wings to fly.
Mad: And I came here to find out, is all.
Gol: Life is precious. Don't throw it away.
Title: Life, Death, and Shades
Mad: Look who's talking!
Mad: You totally wanna lay waste to a life!
Mad: You're totally trying to k*ll someone, right? You're an assassin, aren't you?!
Gol: Don't get the wrong idea. I'm just here to hunt boars.
Mad: From how far away are you trying to hunt boars?!
Mad: Really, don't be stupid. Don't commit a m*rder.
Gol: I don't wanna hear that from a suicidal man.
Mad: I don't wanna hear that from an assassin!
Gol: I don't wanna hear that from a man wearing filthy-ass shades.
Mad: I don't wanna hear that from a man wearing lame-ass shades!
Gol: Your shades are more lame.
Mad: Nah, your shades are more lame.
Gol: Let me be honest.
Gol: I couldn't care less what kind of shades you wear, or when and where you wear them.
Mad: We're talking about shades now?!
Gol: Besides, do you really have it in you to jump?
Gol: You've been doing this every day for the past month.
Mad: Even though I want to die,
Mad: thinking about shades smashing into the ground makes my shades tremble.
Mad: You're an assassin, right?
Mad: Do you know a way to die that isn't scary or sad and doesn't hurt or break shades?
Gol: You're basically saying you don't wanna die.
Mad: If nothing else, I want my shades to live on!
Gol: Can't you just take them off before you die?
Gol: I'm an assassin, you know.
Gol: If I stop to think about how my victims feel, I couldn't do my—
Mad: Oh, I know!
Mad: I could just have you k*ll me!
Gol: Wha—
Mad: You could send me to heaven in one sh*t, without letting me feel any pain or fear!
Gol: Screw you. Do you have any idea how much money is involved in each of my sh*ts?
Gol: I don't waste my rounds.
Gol: Be it when I'm k*lling my targets
Gol: or when I'm making love to women.
Gol: All it takes is one sh*t. It's over in an instant.
G: Huh? Done already, CEO?
Gol: That's my creed.
One_and_Done,Sign: One and Done
Gol: and that's where my moniker of "One and Done Synshen" comes from.
Synshen,Sign: Synshen
Mad: They're just mocking you for sh**ting your load early!
Mad: Guess I'll have to k*ll myself right here and now, then.
Gol: Wait, wait.
Gol: How about this?
Gol: You head to the roof of that skyscraper now.
Welcome_to_Earth,Sign: Welcome to Earth!!
Gol: My target is taking part in a welcoming party there.
Mad: You're really hunting a boar?!
Gol: Once I give the signal, jump off the roof.
Gol: When you fall into my crosshairs that will be aimed at my target,
Me,SignB: Me
Boar,SignR: Boar
Gol: I will pierce you both through with one sh*t.
Gol: That should do, right?
Mad: Aren't you making this too hard for yourself?
Mad: And the shades are being smashed to bits anyway!
Mad: I guess around here is fine.
Mad: Now I just have to wait for the signal.
Mad: With this, I can finally go to heaven—
Gol: Don't do it.
Gol: You'll be mincemeat if you fall from this high up.
Gol: Put yourself in the shoes of the lady who runs the cutlet place down there.
Gol: Actually, before all that...
Gol: Life is precious. Don't throw it away.
Mad: Really?! Here, too?!
Mad: There's an assassin here, too?!
Gol: If you don't want to die, leave at once.
Mad: But I do want to die!
Gol: I hear that One and Done Synshen is targeting this building.
Mad: Could he be an assassin hired by Synshen's enemy to k*ll him?
Mad: I have to go tell him right now, or the assassin who's gonna k*ll me will lose his...
Mad: Wait.
Gol: I see. Synshen is on that rooftop.
Gol: I must thank you for telling me.
Mad: Oh, you can just sh**t me in the head in return.
Gol: Sorry, but I can't do that.
Gol: Even an assassin has his creed.
Gol: The only people I k*ll arescumbags like Synshen.
Gol: Be it targets or women,
Gol: I don't go after those on the straight and narrow.
G: Huh? Done already, CEO?
Gol: That's where my moniker "Quickdraw Synron" comes from.
Quick,Sign: Quickdraw
Synron,Sign: Synron
Mad: Your moniker has nothing to do with your creed!
Mad: Are all assassins too quick to sh**t their loads?
Gol: How about we do this?
Gol: You head back to that building
Gol: and lure Synshen somewhere I can snipe him
Gol: using a scummy tactic.
Gol: If you do that, I promise to sh**t both you scumbags in the head.
Mad: This has gotten even more complicated!
Mad: I came here to die!
Mad: Why am I playing accomplice in an assassination?!
Mad: S-Synshen...
Mad: They got me.
Mad: Run away.
Mad: The enemy already has the entire city under its control.
Mad: I wanted to let you know that your life is in grave danger...
Gol: Hey, hang in there!
Mad: B-Before I die, could you take me up there?
Gol: Just wait.
Mad: Hell yeah! He fell for it!
Gol: I'll get you to a hospital right away.
Mad: No, forget that. Just take me up there before I die.
Gol: You moron! Don't be so quick to say you're gonna die!
Mad: Why is he so full of passion?!
Gol: I told you that I'd k*ll you.
Gol: Don't you dare die until then.
Mad: He's a much nicer guy than I thought!
Mad: W-Wait. Aren't you a professional assassin?
Mad: Are you sure you should leave your job unfinished?
Gol: What do you think is more important? A job, or a person's life?
Mad: And who was it that was taking people's lives on the job?
Gol: Damn those scumbags.
Mad: Uh, you're the scumbag. Don't forget where you stand.
Gol: First they take my sister, and now they want to take my friend, too?
Mad: When did we become friends?!
Gol: What's going on?
Gol: Is there a sn*per on that rooftop, too?
Mad: Sorry, Synron-san! This is as far as I can go!
Mad: I mean, he's actually a really nice guy!
Gol: I'll be the decoy.
Gol: In the meantime, you use this to take out that sn*per.
Mad: Asking a half-dead guy to k*ll someone?
Mad: I can't tell if he's a nice guy or a bad guy anymore!
Gol: Don't die.
Mad: Like I said, I came here to die!
Mad: What the hell is going on?!
Mad: I came here to die!
Mad: I don't care anymore! I'll k*ll or whatever!
Mad: If I actually try to k*ll Synron, I'm sure he'll k*ll me.
Mad: He's already dead!
Mad: Hey! What are you doing?
Gol: S-Sorry, I screwed up.
Gol: I panicked and rushed to k*ll Synshen, but I failed to notice my rounds were gone.
Mad: He took that chance to hit you?
Gol: No, like I said...
Gol: I lost my rounds.
Mad: That really is one hell of a screw-up!
Gol: If I don't have any rounds, I can't k*ll you.
Mad: You don't need those round ones for that.
Gol: I'm no longer fit to be a sn*per.
G: Huh? Done already, CEO?
Mad: You were never fit and f*ring there anyway!
Gol: But it's fine.
Gol: Even if I did have the rounds, I wouldn't have been able to fire.
Gol: Some scumbag he was.
Gol: I can't believe he acted like that in front of his enemy in the middle of a hit job.
Gol: Do you know why my boss is being targeted by Synshen?
: This is what people call him behind his back:
: "sl*ve trader."
: The stuff he peddles includes people
: and Synshen's kid sister who was with him when he was an orphan.
: Only then did he start walking down the path of a scumbag.
: So when I saw him do that, I realized something.
: He came here as a brother trying to save his sister.
: Could you tell him something for me?
: "I don't have the rounds to sh**t you with anymore,
: but I still have enough to unload into scumbags!"
Mad: Unload those into me, not scumbags!
Mad: I'm done with this crap!
Mad: I'm just gonna jump off the roof!
Gol: It's been years since we were sold off.
Gol: Our appearances have changed completely since then,
Gol: and we even cast our names aside,
Gol: but it seems we both chose to walk down the same path to get our sibling back.
Gol: You don't have the rounds to sh**t me with anymore?
Gol: Ichiko, you never had any round ones to begin with.
Boar: You siblings would've been better off k*lling each other.
Boar: If you two can't settle things yourselves, I can help.
Gol: You were always like that, Ichiko.
Gol: You loved to dress up like a boy and play with us.
Gol: You're so mean, Ichiro-nii!
Gol: I'm out of water here!
Gol: That's why I keep telling you...
Gol: You're too quick to sh**t your load.
Gol: Jeez! How can I win, then?
Gol: Isn't that obvious?
Gol: You put everything you have into one sh*t.
Boar: Is he going to sh**t me along with his sister?
Gol: Get ready for my best sh*t.
Gol: Because I've already fired it.
Mad: If you can k*ll me, I'd like to see you try!
Mad: Man, in the end...
Mad: I didn't die!
Gol: Looks like your wings are still right there.
Mat: In our job, fieldwork is everything.
Special_Crash_Co,Sign: Special Crash Course for Upper Management Candidates
Mat: But in any organization, the skilled employees are the first to leave the field
Mat: and take up leadership roles.
Mat: All of you master investigators will learn how the nectar of authority tastes.
Mat: But I didn't promote you just so you could rot.
Mat: What I'm basically trying to say is,
Mat: no matter how far up the ladder you climb,
Mat: never forget the field where you came from.
Hij: Pearls of wisdom from the super boss who spends taxpayer money on cabaret clubs.
Kon: Don't be like that, Toshi.
Hij: We don't need a crash course. We're drowning in fieldwork every day.
Hij: I mean, we're full of idiots who think desk work means sleeping on a desk.
Hij: And who is he calling master investigators?
Hij: These useless rich kids who landed comfy jobs using their family names and contacts?
Kon: Hey, Toshi! They can hear you!
Hij: I want them to.
Hij: Oh, sorry. You're a rich kid from a famous family too, aren't you...
Hij: Mimawarigumi Chief Sasaki-dono?
Isa: No need to worry, Shinsengumi Vice Chief Hijikata-dono.
Isa: Once I become director-general, I'll effect elite reform by the elite for the elite.
Isa: For starters, maybe I should fire that napping thorny
Isa: and the dummy spreading secondhand smoke.
Isa: Don't you agree, Nobume-san?
Hij: Elite reform, my ass! Your subordinate is napping in class, too!
Nob: I'm not napping.
Nob: I'm snacking.
Japanese_for__Go,Sign: Japanese for Good Kids
Hij: They're both equally bad!
Oki: Hate to break it to ya, but I'm not napping, either.
Oki: I was pretending so people wouldn't figure out during recess that I have no friends.
Hij: Why the triumphant look?
Hij: Why are you two competing over school tropes?
Hij: Also, a guy messing with his phone during a lecture has no right to complain to me.
Isa: I'm merely noting down the important points.
Hij: And I'm using nicotine to clear my head so I can pay attention!
Isa: Crap, game over.
Hij: So you were just playing a mobile game!
Mat: Keep it down, you louts!
Mat: b*at it to the hallway in under three seconds,
Mat: or I'll blow your brains out.
Mat: One...
Title: All the Answers Can Be Found in the Field
All: What happened to two and three?!
Special_Crash_Co,Sign: Special Crash Course for Upper Management Candidates
Mat: So, yeah...
Mat: We'll have these guys act as guinea pigs, experience a crime scene, and investigate.
Mat: It's just a simulation, but I want you all to rack your brains along with them.
Hij: I don't care if it's a simulation or whatever. Bring it on.
Isa: Yes, though we'd rather not be compared to these people. Right, Nobume-san?
Records_of_the_T,Sign: Records of the Three Kingdoms
Nob: If you defeat Cao Cao early, you lose motivation
Nob: and stop caring about uniting China.
Oki: Cao Cao can be the last boss, then. Whoever defeats Wei first wins.
Kon: Okay, he said simulation, but not that kind!
Mat: A fictional crime scene will be displayed in VR.
Mat: Analyze the crime using the clues at the scene and identify the culprit.
Kon: Wh-What is this?
Kon: It's like the real thing!
Mat: This is HQ, you know. We have all the cutting-edge tech.
Mat: And we have files on every kind of case imaginable.
Mat: This case, based on a massive amount of data, is no different from the real thing.
Mat: Here's the gist of it. A corpse was found on this river bank.
Mat: An old lady living nearby was the first to find it.
Mat: She testified that she was here to do laundry when she saw it drift by from upstream.
Kon: What kind of case is this?!
Kon: HQ's case files clearly have folktales from Japan mixed in!
Mat: I hear a similar case happened in the past.
Kon: Like hell it did! This is Momotaro!
Hij: We don't know for sure that this is Momotaro yet.
Kon: Uh, he obviously is. He was even inside a peach.
Hij: Acting on misconceptions can lead to mistakes.
Kon: The granny was here to do laundry!
Hij: Pops, was the peach already split when it was found?
Mat: Granny testified that she pulled it out in this state when it came drifting by.
Kon: We're actually doing this? We're investigating this stupid case?
Hij: That's weird.
Hij: If he came drifting by in this state, Momotaro's body should be wet.
Kon: You just called him Momotaro. You admitted it is him, right?
Hij: Also, can an old lady really drag a peach with an adult inside all this way?
Hij: There's something off here.
Kon: Yeah, like an adult being inside a peach!
Hij: The granny probably wasn't alone when she found this.
Hij: What is Gramps's alibi?
Mat: Cutting grass in the mountains.
Kon: That was an alibi?!
Kon: It was something that scary?
Old_Man__Possess,Sign: Old ManPossession
Sickle,Sign: Sickle
Hij: Pops, get us a DNA comparison on Gramps's sickle and Momotaro's blood.
Kon: What are you thinking? That's terrifying!
Hij: The fatal wound matches the way the peach was split.
Hij: In other words, he was k*lled by the old couple when they split the peach.
Kon: What the hell kind of folktale is this?!
Hij: They didn't do it on purpose. It was an accident.
Hij: But that's why they fabricated alibis...
Isa: You're mistaken.
Isa: It seems you're the one who is shackled by the story of Momotaro.
Isa: That's why you overlooked a vital piece of evidence.
Hij: What?
Isa: You're too fixated on the man inside the peach, the granny's laundry,
Isa: and Gramps's grass cutting.
Isa: Hence, you assumed that this tragedy occurred at the start of the Momotaro story.
Isa: But that's a mistake. Why, you ask?
Isa: Ask yourself, why is Momotaro so big when he was only just born from the peach?
Kon: You're taking issue with that now?!
Kon: You ignore the "born from a peach" thing and take issue with that?!
Kon: And why are you shocked?!
Isa: Going from his filthy clothes and the lack of kibi dango,
Isa: we can tell that he'd already finished fighting the ogres.
Isa: This incident happened after the end of the story.
Hij: Then why was he inside a peach again?
Isa: Look at this wound.
Isa: There's pretty much no sign of blood loss.
Isa: This proves that he was already dead when he got the wound.
Isa: What that means is...
Isa: Somebody k*lled him and dumped him in the river
Isa: in order to frame that old couple for m*rder.
Kon: Why is this getting so complicated?!
Isa: It was all camouflage.
Isa: But thanks to that, we can narrow down the list of suspects.
Isa: When you consider Momotaro's situation after fighting the ogres,
Isa: the true culprit
Isa: can only be one of these three.
Isa: It is said that Momotaro's party brought back treasure from Onigashima.
Isa: But we're talking about animals and a peach-born monster here.
Isa: It's not hard to picture them fighting over the treasure.
Kon: How much must you corrupt Momotaro before you're satisfied?
Isa: Among them, the only one who can place such a cunning trap is the mon—
Oki: It wasn't the monkey.
Oki: Shackled by the story of Momotaro, you overlooked something vital.
Oki: Monkeys can't use money.
Kon: Why does Captain Obvious have such a smug look?!
Kon: Their reasoning is getting stupider by the minute!
Kon: And why do you have a look of shock?!
Oki: In other words, the real culprit is either the dog or the pheasant.
Kon: Dogs and pheasants can't use money, either!
Nob: You're wrong.
Nob: None of them is the culprit.
Nob: You're so shackled by the Momotaro story that you've gone blind.
Oki: What? How can you say for sure?
Nob: Because that'd be a pain.
Kon: She ultimately wrote it off as a pain!
Kon: Anyone would look shocked after that!
Hij: Well, they're all animals either way. Can't really question them.
Hij: Pops, I'd like to see the autopsy report.
Hij: There must be another fatal wound somewhere.
Mat: Sorry to say this, Toshi,
Mat: but this is the only external wound that stands out.
Mat: However, x-rays did find something strange in his trachea.
Mat: Something shaped like a dango.
Kon: Uh, he totally d*ed choking on kibi dango!
Isa: This is why I can't stand plebs. That's not kibi dango.
Isa: It's what the monkey pooped out after eating the kibi dango.
Isa: You know how monkeys throw their own poop? I knew it, the monkey was the culprit.
Isa: I was right. An elite was right.
Isa: Praise the elite.
Kon: You're not thinking like an elite now!
Hij: You stupid? The gramps and gran would obviously be the ones feeding him.
Hij: Tempted by the treasure, they choked him to death using kibi dango.
Hij: The old farts really were the culprits. I was right.
Hij: Praise mayonnaise.
Kon: Didn't you paint them in a totally different light before?
Isa: The monkey.
Hij: Gramps and gran.
Isa: The monkey.
Hij: Gramps and gran.
Isa: The monkey's gramps and gran.
Hij: Gramps and gran's monkey.
Isa: We agreed it was the monkey just now, right?
Oki: Okay, fine. Let's take the middle option and say it was the eunuch monkey.
Kon: Middle option of what? Where'd the gramps and gran go?
Nob: It can be Monkey and Aska's gramps and gran, then.
Kon: Wait, what happened to Chage?
Isa: At this point, let's settle this once and for all.
Isa: Director-General, it doesn't matter if they're animals.
Isa: Let us question Momotaro's party.
Mat: Oh, if you want them...
Mat: They're in here.
Kon: All the suspects have been eaten!
Isa: Wait, are you saying Momotaro was the perpetrator?
Isa: I see. So that's how it is.
Isa: They were stranded on the way back from Onigashima.
Isa: The sad fate of his party is proof enough.
Isa: Instead of treasure, they fought to eat each other's kibi dango and bodies.
Isa: And almost like divine punishment,
Isa: the last bite, his friend's kibi dango, got caught in his throat.
Isa: The one who k*lled him was none other than himself.
Kon: No way... That can't be.
Kon: How can such a laughable cause of death turn into something so sad?
Kon: Toshi...
Hij: This is what the field is like.
Hij: It shoves harsh realities and even harsher truths right into our faces.
Hij: But we must not avert our eyes.
Hij: As cops, we have the duty to find the truth even if it's shrouded in darkness.
Kon: T-Toshi!
Hij: Look at this.
No_sneaking_bite,Sign: No sneaking bites.
Hij: It's a bag.
Hij: It likely had kibi dango inside.
Hij: He probably didn't eat a single dango.
No_sneaking_bite,Sign: No sneaking bites.
Hij: He must've given them all to his friends and chewed on his sandals or something.
Hij: But they went down one after another.
Hij: Considering how he could eat crap like this,
Hij: he must've ended up being the last one alive.
Hij: The rest of the story is as you said.
Hij: He chose that path in order to live.
Hij: You can't eat a bag like this unless you have extreme resolve.
Hij: He must've really wanted to live...
Hij: His friends' share of life, too.
Kon: Toshi...
Isa: Are you saying that sappy crap was the kind of reality you saw?
Hij: That's right.
Hij: This is the truth I believe in, the truth I found at this crime scene!
Mat: Bzzt.
Mat: Too bad. Close, but no cigar.
Mat: You got the "Momotaro was k*lled" part right.
Mat: But this isn't Momotaro.
Mat: It's the boss of Onigashima, who ate the entire Momotaro party alive.
Mat: Disguised as Momotaro, he came to the mainland to eat more humans...
Mat: But he d*ed without achieving his goal.
Cause_of_Death,Sign: Cause of Death
Mat: Basically,
Mat: the real culprit is a brain tumor. That's it.
Mat: That's it.
Sign: The End
Mat: That's it!
Title: Leagues in Search of a Scabbard
Gin: Next time: " Leagues in Search of a Scabbard."
TextR: Sure, it's been a while since we've seen Tetsuko,
TextL: but she has a fair amount of screen time, like in the live-action movie.
TextR: Perhaps because he treated swords like crap at a smithy,
TextL: Gintoki's butthole gets att*cked by one!