Otsu: The broadcast law can go to hell
Otsu: There's no turning back now
Otsu: Go to hell!
Otsu: Everyone, thank you dingleberries!
Shin: Dingleberries!
Otsu: Let's keep this show going anurarihyon!
Gin: What's with Otsu-chan lately?
Shin: Nurarihyon!
Gin: Hasn't she lost some steam?
Shin: Not true!
Shin: As always, any CD she releases ranks high on the Edocon charts!
Gin: Sure, but up-and-coming idols are ranking even higher.
Gin: Like EDO and NippleClo Z.
Gin: Nowadays, group units are more popular than solo acts.
Gin: At this rate, Otsu-chan will lose popularity,
Gin: fight with her agency over money,
Gin: and as she fades from memory, re-debut under some label like ****** or ********.
Shin: Don't jinx her!
Shin: The public eye always tends to wander,
Shin: but only the real deal will remain in the end!
Shin: So Terakado Tsu will be the last woman standing after this Warring Idols Era!
Gin: Are you stupid? Idols are all just little brats decked out in dreams and fantasies.
Gin: There are no fakes or real deals among them.
Gin: Sure, Otsu-chan is cute and a good singer.
Gin: But if she stands alone on stage,
Gin: the audience only gets a vague idea of how good she is.
Gin: But if you put her in a group with five or six uggos,
Gin: even an idiot could clearly recognize how cute and how good she is.
Shin: I don't know if you really need the uggos...
Shin: But you're right. That's a group's biggest advantage.
Gin: Basically,
Gin: she needs uggos.
Shin: What kind of is that?!
Shin: Are they re-enacting the Chushingura?!
Gin: If that's not possible, she can just go for the -position bingo.
Shin: Why are we back to her making a Muteki debut?!
Shin: Anyway, a solo act may only go so far,
Shin: but with some other members who all make each other look good,
Shin: Otsu-chan might hit even bigger heights.
Shin: But where will she find idols who can compete with her potential?
Sayo: Otsu-chan really is cute.
Sayo: I wonder how you become an idol.
Sayo: I didn't really get it,
Sayo: but Gin-chan said anyone can get in by selling pillow talk.
Say: Really? They sell pillows?
Kag: Yup. Apparently, for most idols, that's their main job.
Say: They're selling pillows while singing? That must be hard.
P: You're wrong, miss.
P: An idol's real job isn't to sing or sell pillows.
P: It's to sell dreams.
P: If you don't mind, could you join us—no,
P: join Terakado Tsu and sell dreams together?
Gintama,OP Card: Gintama
Slip Arc,OP Card: Slip Arc
Title: Wash Your Hands Before a Handshake
Shin: What?!
Shin: Kagura-chan, an idol?!
Warning,Warning: Watch the Slip Arc in a bright room and at a safe distance from your TV!
Shin: And you want to make her form a unit with Otsu-chan?!
Shin: Why are you resorting to such crazy schemes?!
Shin: And you call yourself the agency that's backed her all this time?!
OMom: It came as a surprise to me, too.
OMom: I couldn't believe the scout brought in
OMom: the girl from Odd Jobs, who'd helped us out in the past.
Otsu: But that's one of our scouts for you. He has a keen eye.
Otsu: I think Kagura-chan has all the makings of a fine idol.
Otsu: She's fair, has that foreign celeb thing going, and you could even call her pretty.
Otsu: And most of all, she looks at home doing anything.
Shin: Are there any idols who look at home picking their noses?
Otsu: Idols pick their noses, too. Even I—
Shin: No, you don't! Boogers don't exist for Otsu-chan!
Shin: Her nostrils are filled with pink, heart-shaped, sticky hopes and dreams!
Otsu: Uh, I'm pretty sure boogers would be better.
OMom: We're in the golden age of idol groups.
OMom: If Otsu doesn't do something now, she'll fall behind the times.
OMom: So we came up with this plan...
Would_you_like_t,Sign: Would you like to sing beside Terakado Tsu?
OMom: A plan to put her in a limited-time unit.
OMom: We call it the "Your Partner Is a ****er" Project.
Would_you_like_Copy: ,Your Partner Is a ****er
OMom: While pairing Otsu with a mysterious no-name to show a new, charming side of her,
OMom: we'll unearth a new diamond in the rough and market her in a package deal with Otsu.
Shin: Unearth? Dig this mine all you want, but all you'll find is boogers.
OMom: They may be boogers now,
OMom: but with polishing, they could become boogers harder than diamond.
Shin: But they'd still be boogers!
OMom: Anyway, Otsu needs an out-of-the-box partner.
OMom: Help us out.
Shin: Please calm down!
Shin: Do you want to waste all the hard work she's put in so far?
Shin: This girl isn't capable of being an idol and selling dreams!
Shin: If anything, she was created to crush the dreams of men!
Shin: A sad excuse for a Jump heroine!
OMom: Wow! What was that?
Kag: I let you talk, but you're just running your mouth now.
Kag: My boogers are already harder than diamonds.
Otsu: She could use that in a hidden talent contest for stars, Mom!
Otsu: Do it one more time!
Gin: Okay, that's enough.
Gin: Let's start talking business now.
Gin: She is our agency's main product.
Otsu: Huh?
Otsu: Agency? Product?
Gin: Yes. She's an idol that we developed.
Gin: For more than a decade since the anime began,
Gin: she has held firm as the center heroine and Gintama's idol.
Gin: If we're talking potential, we believe she far exceeds your Otsu-chan.
G: Okay. One, two, three.
Gin: So, President, we move forward on this as a co-production?
OMom: Yes, that's fine, Producer Sakata.
Shin: Him, a producer? He's just a leech.
OMom: It seems you weren't lying.
OMom: Her rhythm and sharp movements...
OMom: In terms of physical ability, she far exceeds Otsu.
Gin: Yeah.
Gin: No idol in the entire universe is a match for her on that front.
Gin: Right, Trainer Shimura?
Shin: Wait, I'm a trainer?
OMom: Good looks and great performing ability...
OMom: This may be the birth of a super idol.
OMom: Right, Manager Shimura?
Shin: Wait, am I a trainer or a manager? Pick one.
Gin: The real question is how we market them.
OMom: I'll let you handle that as the producer.
OMom: If we're trying to give Otsu a new kind of appeal,
OMom: then we should change how we produce her, too.
OMom: You can handle it, right?
Gin: No need to worry. We have an expert in idol studies on our side.
Gin: Right, Idol Nerd King?
Shin: Sorry. Could you give me a stable role already?
OMom: Show me what you've got, Sakata P and Shimura *****.
Shin: In the end, I'm just a perv?!
Shin: Hey, Gin-san!
Shin: Can you really produce idols?
Gin: As long as Otsu-chan is involved,
Gin: this will make shitloads of money, no matter what.
Gin: We should make them feel as indebted as possible and fleece them.
Shin: But Otsu-chan now has that massive booger stuck to her.
G: Okay. One, two, three.
Gin: What'd I tell you? a diamond shines extra bright with boogers all around it.
G: Okay. One, two, three.
G: Okay. One, two, three.
Gin: So, yeah, you'll be working as Booger Diamonds from today on.
Otsu: Booger? Wait, that's our unit name, Producer?
Otsu: I don't know about having "booger" in the name.
Kag: She's right.
Kag: As the diamond, I don't mind, but put yourself in the booger's shoes.
Shin: Uh, you're the booger here.
Gin: It may sound Japanese, but "booger" means "limitless possibilities" in Spanish.
Shin: That's some impressive BS.
Gin: It also means "children of B'z and WANDS."
Shin: Why are you talking about B'z and WANDS like they're husband and wife?
Sign: A Man's Badge of Honor
Gin: I wanna market you like the kid brother in the Yokohama Ginbae. Like Shima Daisuke.
A Man's Badge of Honor
Shin: That's so old hat.
Gin: Right now, we should use the agency's pull to ride on all the coattails.
Gin: We'll handle the approvals later.
Shin: But this is going too far. They're idols, you know?
Otsu: I see.
Otsu: But we should at least make it a ladies' g*ng, Producer.
Shin: That's not the issue here, Otsu-chan.
Kag: Yeah, Sugimoto Tetta is cooler than Daisuke, Producer!
Shin: What do you think idols are?
Shin: The Daisuke part was all you picked up on!
Gin: How about this, then?
Gin: A long time ago, in a galaxy far away,
Gin: the great artists B'z and WANDS gave birth to children.
Shin: Talk about grandiose!
Gin: The children scattered across the universe.
Gin: Among them, the twins that were number —the last of the children—
Gin: descended on a planet called Earth...
Shin: Ah, like how Yukorin said she was from Planet Korin?
Gin: ...and made waves across the world.
Shin: Nothing's changed!
Shin: They just became Daisukerin in the end!
Gin: Daisukerin was supposed to make waves worldwide, and Booger Diamonds ...
Bo: ...always supported him.
Shin: Enough about Daisuke!
Sign: A Man's Badge of Honor
Shin: You two are the ones who need support!
Otsu: But suit-wearing idols might be a fresh concept.
Otsu: Wearing pants will limit the fanservice, but if we wear skirts instead
Otsu: and have a chic backing band, it could make for a cool and cute idol aesthetic.
Otsu: Here we go with "A Woman's Badge of Honor"!
Sign: A Woman's Badge of Honor
Shin: Uh, the costumes are nice, but what about the song?
Shin: It's still stuck to the Daisuke thing.
Kag: How about this, then?
Kag: Here we go with "The Mark of a Woman," 'kay?
Sign: The Mark of a Woman
Shin: Uh, that sounds like something else entirely.
Gin: This should do it, then.
Sign: That Day of the Month
Shin: What're you trying to make idols sing?!
Shin: That's what "A Woman's Badge of Honor" was about?
Shin: That's what "The Mark of a Woman" meant?!
Gin: Hey, don't jump to conclusions.
Gin: By "that day of the month," we mean...
That Day of the Month
Gin: ...that day when there's a lot of Daisuke in the backing band.
Shin: What kinda day is that?!
Shin: You again? You came home with your tail between your legs again?!
Shin: What happened to going into politics?!
Gin: Daisukerin made a comeback to showbiz, and Booger Diamonds ...
Bo: ...still supports him!
Shin: Forget about Daisuke already!
Shin: Anyway, why don't we look at the big picture?
Shin: What kind of personalities will they be playing?
Gin: They're B'z and WANDS's children, right?
Gin: They can just end every sentence with "zu."
Tamo: Here are our guests for today.
Bo: Hello. We are Booger Diamondzu zu.
Shin: They sound like hicks. Sounds like they're speaking a dialect.
Crowd: Right.
Gin: Then instead of "zu," let's go with "z."
Zu,Sign: Zu
Tamo: Cut your hair?
Kag: I did, yezzz...
Shin: She fell asleep!
Crowd: Right.
Gin: Forget "z," then. Let's go with "s."
Kag: Lost your hair?
Shin: She just became a sadist!
Crowd: Right.
Gin: Let's do this, then.
Kag: It's time for a short break, I'll never hurt you in all my love and selfishness.
Otsu: Don't change the channel, let's rend this moment with b*ll*ts from a rusty g*n!
Shin: Those verbal tics are too long!
Shin: Why song titles as a verbal tic? That's too much love and selfishness!
Shin: Tamo-san will rust away before they finish talking!
Gin: Quit complaining when you don't have any ideas.
Gin: I can't work with you, let's break up and I'll vanish from before you.
Shin: Why's the producer using Ohguro Maki song titles, too?
Gin: This is a pain.
Gin: Why don't we just have B'z and WANDS be the backing bands?
Shin: That'd just be a B'z and WANDS concert!
Shin: They'd eat us alive!
Tae: Shin-chan's right.
Tae: You're on the right track with B'z and WANDS,
Tae: but you're overlooking something important, Producer Sakata.
Shin: Sis?
Tae: Sorry for barging in.
Tae: I heard Kagura-chan was going to debut, so I wanted to cheer her on.
Tae: Here, I brought refreshments.
Kag: Boss lady!
Tae: I was just going to give you this and leave,
Tae: but I couldn't let it slide.
Otsu: Wow! What is this?
Tae: Producer Sakata.
Tae: You don't understand a thing.
Tae: All you're thinking about is how to market, how to make the audience happy.
Tae: It's all about the audience.
Tae: But the enemy isn't only in front of you.
Tae: The real enemy lurks behind the girls.
Tae: The backing band and backup dancers.
Tae: Don't you know how many idols they've gobbled up?
Shin: What're you talking about?!
Tae: Think back to Asa**** **** and Ham*** ******
Tae: and how backup whatevers are always taking idols from the back.
Shin: Yes, it happens a lot, but so what?!
Tae: They pretend to be on the idols' side,
Tae: but they always target them from the defenseless back,
Tae: sharpening their nails to strike.
Tae: And the moment the idol gives them an opening...
BD: Gotcha!
Shin: That backup dancer is way too scary!
Tae: In showbiz, the talent are products.
Tae: Those in the business should never ignore the fans and defile that product.
Shin: Otsu-chan!
Shin: Uh, an idol is about to die thanks to your refreshments!
Tae: And you men should be aware how idols are expected to stay pure.
Tae: Not putting careful thought into choosing the backing band is simply preposterous.
Tae: You must reconsider at once.
Gin: Like you'd know anything, outsider.
Gin: Who would you place at the back, then?
Kyu: On guitar, Kyubei!
Tsu: On b-bass, Tsukuyo!
Sac: On drums, Sacchan!
Tae: On castanets, Otae!
Tae: Together, the four of us...
All: ...are Diamond Vacuum!
Shin: You totally wanna eat Otsu-chan alive, too!
Shin: Where'd you come from, you brain-dead backing band?!
Sac: What're you saying?
Sac: We, Diamond Vacuum, had promised to make our music debut long before you guys.
Kyu: Our chance has finally arrived, Otae-chan.
Shin: No chance in hell! Get outta here!
Tae: We get it.
Tae: We're okay with being the backing band.
Tae: But please don't forget what I said about an idol's enemies lurking behind her.
Gin: What are you plotting?!
Gin: And what do you mean, "on castanets"? You're useless!
Tsu: Hey, what's "bass"?
Tsu: What, do I have to hit a ball with this thing and run to base?
Gin: Who brought this bum here?!
Shin: Get out! All of you get out!
OMom: Producer Sakata is good.
OMom: He's even got a backing band full of beauties.
OMom: This is sure to spur Otsu on.
OMom: Otsu, if you slack off, you really will be eaten alive.
OMom: Do your best.
Otsu: Who am I?
OMom: Otsu!
Debut Single An Idol's Badge of Honor
S: Looks like Terakado Tsu's making her move.
S: Booger Diamonds , huh?
S: I don't know where she found this partner, but she's pretty cute.
S: She truly looks boorish and uncultured,
S: like the poster girl of a diner out in the sticks.
S: The perfect partner for her.
S: She should've quietly faded away as a solo act.
S: Does she really think she can b*at us with this partner?
S: Terakado Tsu and Booger Diamonds .
S: I can't wait to see what a top idol on Earth is like.
G: Wh-What the hell is this?
G: Otsu-chan is making a unit debut?
Taka: This ain't funny! Who the hell is this booger girl?
G: We've always worshiped Otsu-chan as the one true goddess!
G: How dare they defile her with this package deal?!
G: As her fanclub, we will never accept this unit!
G: Yeah, yeah!
G: This is bad.
G: Let Captain Shimura know at once!
Kag: Manager Shimura!
Otsu: What're you doing over there?
Kag: Idols are busy people! Get me my sukonbu already, you rotten manager!
G: Manager Shimura?
G: Captain!
G: And Otsu-chan, too!
G: What's the meaning of this, Captain?!
G: Surely you didn't make her do this...
Shin: No, that's not it!
Shin: Hey, wait up!
Shin: Don't leave me behind!
Studio_Edo,Sign: Studio Edo
Otsu: La la la, idol
Kag: Accel, consul, it's dreams that we sell, 'kay?
Gin: Wait, time out.
Gin: Quit mixing in the 'kays, Kagura. You're ruining the lyrics.
Gin: Just forget about your character and lay yourself bare.
Gin: Try being plain old Kugimiya-san.
Shin: Aw, the one place where I could shine...
Shin: Producer Sakata, did you see how the fans reacted?
Shin: What now? Nobody wants this unit.
Gin: Don't worry.
Gin: I've got a huge event lined up for the CD's release.
Gin: The backing band's making adjustments for it, too.
Tsu: Why do I have to do this?
Gin: As long as we create enough hype by then, it won't be a problem.
Gin: You fell in love with Otsu-chan when you watched her street concerts, right?
Gin: Real popularity is always built up slowly and steadily like that.
Gin: People who become fans overnight also leave overnight.
Gin: There are no shortcuts in showbiz, Manager Shimura.
Shin: That's true.
Gin: I feel bad for Otsu-chan, but she'll have to forget she's a top idol
Sign: Pillow Talk Meet
SignL: As long as you giveus money, we'll sell you dreams, pillows, or whatever.
Gin: and start over from sales.
Sign: Pillow Talk Meet
Shin: What's slow and steady about this?!
Shin: What do you mean, pillow talk meet?
Shin: What're you trying to make idols do?!
Gin: It's basically a meet-and-greet.
Gin: You know how "idols you can meet" are all the rage?
Gin: We'll go with "idols you can pillow talk."
Shin: You can't call those idols!
Gin: Relax. I know it says pillow talk,
Otsu,Sign: Otsu
Gin: but this is just a meet-and-greet where we sell expensive autographed pillows.
Shin: That's basically a scam!
Sign: Kagura
G: Pillow talk with Otsu-chan!
Shin: A whole horde of men showed up with the wrong idea!
Gin: Looks like it worked.
Shin: Like hell! This is too risky!
Gin: Meet-and-greets are always full of risks.
Gin: All idol nerds touch their d*cks before going to those.
Gin: The idols and fans both get covered in d*ck.
Gin: In the end, it just becomes d*cks shaking hands with d*cks.
Shin: What kind of risk are you even talking about?!
Kag: Ugh, are you serious? That's horrible.
Kag: Make them disinfect before shaking hands.
Shin: An idol with her hand covered in boogers shouldn't talk!
Otsu: It's okay. If this made me lose heart, I'd never make it as an idol.
Gin: That's a pro for you.
Gin: Don't worry. We'll protect you if anything happens.
Kag: Promise?
Kag: Come save us at once if anyone dangerous shows up.
Shin: The idol's more dangerous!
Kag: Okay, next.
Kag: Okay, next.
Shin: Wait, wait, wait!
Kag: Okay, next.
Shin: Forget meet-and-greet! This has become Hanayama Kaoru's Vice Grip Meet!
Kag: Okay, next.
Kag: Okay, next.
Kag: Okay, next.
Kag: Huh? I'm not supposed to send them to the pillows?
Shin: This isn't what pillow business means!
Shin: They're all dying off before they can reach Otsu-chan, their goal!
G: Screw you! I came here 'cause I heard I could pillow talk with Otsu-chan!
G: We can't even shake her hand like this!
G: Gimme back my money!
Shin: This is bad, Producer Sakata!
Shin: We won't get popular like this! We'll get sued!
Gin: Rest assured. All of this was just a sideshow.
Gin: The main event starts now.
Otsu,Sign: Otsu
Kagura,Sign: Kagura
Gin: Anyone who buys a pillow
Gin: will get a Booger Diamonds lap pillow coupon!
Shin: What do you think you're saying, Gin-san?
Gin: What's wrong with lap pillows? It's not like they lose anything.
Kag: Yeah, sounds good.
Kag: Take this.
Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!
Shin: There's nothing good about this!
Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!
Shin: Who asked you to use that random martial art?!
Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!
Kag: Lap Pillow Punch!
Shin: What the hell is a Lap Pillow Punch? It's just a knee strike!
Kag: I sleep better with a hard pillow.
Shin: Nobody cares about your pillow preferences!
Shin: I know you sleep like a log, but that doesn't matter!
C: Knock it off! We're not here to visit some S&M club!
C: You really call yourself idols?!
Shin: Sakata P!
Gin: That was a sideshow, too.
Otsu,Sign: Otsu
Kagura,Sign: Kagura
Gin: Anyone who buys a pillow
Gin: will get to sleep for a tiny bit with Booger Diamonds on that very pillow!
Kag: Zzz...
Kag: No, that's my Happy Turn!
Gin: That was a sideshow, too!
Gin: If you buy right here and now,
Gin: you get a special price of , yen and bonus pillow storage boxes!
Shin: Now you're just Suckerta on the TV Shopping Network!
G: What the hell is wrong with these guys?
G: Screw this! Let's bounce!
Shin: Hey, wait!
S: Aw, the poor things. How could you be so mean to your fans?
S: To idols, the fans are gods.
S: We would never let you look so sad when you leave.
G: That's...
S: Why? Because...
S: Tubular!
S: We provide dreams to all of space
S: as the special unit of galactic idols.
S: That is why.
Shin: Galaxy Kingdom b*tches ?!
TBC,Sign: To Be Continued
Preview,Sign: Preview
Kag: What's with these girls?
Kag: I can't believe they can say "tubular" when sober.
Kag: We'll see if you can maintain that attitude after you watch our meet-and-greet.
Title: Diamonds are Unscratchable
Kag: Next time: "Diamonds are Unscratchable."
Preview: ,Preview
S: They might not let us, even if this is a late-night slot.
TextR: We've already pulled all kindsof crap over the years.
Side Bar Bottom Black,TextL: What can they possibly be planning to pull now?
TextR: When GKB challenge them,
TextL: how will BDZ respond?!
09x09 - Wash Your Hands Before a Handshake
Watch/Buy Amazon Merchandise
Japanese manga series where aliens have invaded and taken over feudal Tokyo, an unemployed samurai finds work however he can.
Japanese manga series where aliens have invaded and taken over feudal Tokyo, an unemployed samurai finds work however he can.