09x12 - The Line Between Godlike Games and Shitty Games Is Paper-Thin/Glasses Are a Part of the Soul
Posted: 09/24/22 06:41
Gintama,OP Card: Gintama
Slip Arc,OP Card: Slip Arc
Gin: Gintama Rumble?
Gin: What the heck is this?
Warning: Enjoy Gintama Rumble in a bright room and at a safe distance from your TV!!
Shin: What do you mean? It's an upcoming game.
Shin: Following the success of the Gintama board game,
Shin: Bandai Namco went all-out to make another game adaptation.
Kag: And it's an actual action game this time, as you can tell from the "Rumble."
Kag: It's got tons more money investedin it than the board game.
Gin: What's the point of making an action game when we don't have any special moves?
Gin: Talk about living in denial.
Gin: At least it was kinda cute when they made the board game in desperation.
Shin: Hey, quit complaining.
Gin: What's even going on with the rights? Don't you think this is weird, Bamco?
missing: ,Sugar Content
Shin: Our protagonist discussing our game is weirder, if you ask me.
Gin: True, we never really talked about it before.
Gin: Regardless of who made games about us or how badly they bombed,
Gin: we pretended not to notice.
Shin: Stop being rude, or we'll never get another game!
Gin: Besides, the licensed-game genre has always been a hotbed of shitty games.
Shin: They're not shitty! They're made with love and affection!
Gin: But if we don't produce a hit soon, sponsors might give up on the whole franchise.
Gin: That could lead to a reduction of cross-media promotions and merch
Gin: and ultimately affect even the anime.
Shin: Uh, the anime isn't really one to talk.
Gin: Talk about reckless, making an action game while we weren't paying attention.
Gin: It'll be in the bargain bin within a few months, no doubt.
Shin: Don't jinx it before the release! It's gonna sell like hotcakes!
Gin: I dunno about other Jump protags,
Gin: but as an adult protag, I'm gonna point out problems when I see them.
Shin: You're the biggest problem here!
Shin: I've never heard of a protag meddling in his franchise's merch!
Gin: I'm saying I can't just sit back and let Bamco handle it all.
Gin: In this day and age, any protag worth his salt has to oversee all the merch.
Gin: On that note...
Title: The Line Between Godlike Games and Shitty Games Is Paper-Thin
Sign: Bandai Namco
Sign: Lab A
Tama: Main system successfully infiltrated.
missing: ,Authenticating
Unlocked,Sign: Unlocked
Tama: Hacking complete.
Gin: Great. Let's fix up Gintama Rumble by ourselves.
Shin: Hey! What do you think you're doing right before the release?!
Gin: We're gonna do all we can to make a game that has a chance of selling a million.
Shin: Yeah, right!
Shin: Do you really think we're gonna get away with sneaking in here and doing whatever?
Shin: They've almost finished making a really fun game!
Gintama_Rumble: ,Gintama Rumble
Shin: People with no game dev experience should keep their noses out of this!
Gin: Don't be naïve.
Gin: Sure, it might be a fun game.
Gin: But I wanna ask Bamco this:
Gin: "Do you guys really want to score a hit?"
Gintama_Rumble,Sign: Gintama Rumble
Gin: If they were serious about it,
Gintama_Rumble,Sign: Gintama Rumble
Gin: this is what would happen, obviously.
Shin: Like hell!
Shin: Don't try to claw your way into a super-hit series!
Gin: There's a ton of them already, so nobody'll notice if we slip ourselves in.
Gin: Can't go wrong Tales-of-ing basically anything in life.
Shin: What the hell is "Tales-of-ing"? What kinda verb is that?
Gin: Ignoring our crude original work is fine.
Gin: We're totally up for Tales-of-ing off of them.
Shin: More like Tales of hitching a ride on their backs!
Shin: Talk about riding on someone else's coattails!
Tama: Roger.
Tama: You want to be carried one way or another.
Shin: Hey, Tama-san!
Tama: So switching to a fantasy RPG, basically?
Shin: Wait a sec! What about the "Rumble" part?
Gintama_Rumble,Sign: Gintama Rumble
Shin: That's the USP of this game, you know!
Kag: That won't be hard to work around. We can just name the protag Rumble or something.
Shin: Who? This will be a Gintama game, right?
Gin: Great idea. I really hate game protags who talk too much.
Gin: In order to provide the best immersion,
Gin: he should say nothing but "yes" and "no," like in DQ.
Gin: So Gin-san doesn't have to be the protag here.
Gin: The protag has no personality, only speaks when required,
Tales_of_Rumble,Sign: Tales of Rumble
Gin: and his name is Tales of Rumble.
Shin: But Rumble's dripping with personality!
Shin: Even if he doesn't say a word, his back tells the whole story!
Sign: Odd Jobs Gin-chan
Sign: Snack Otose
Gin: Rumble comes to Edo, joins Odd Jobs,
Gin: and rescues the kidnapped princess with us, is the story.
Shin: Who would self-insert into this rugged old man?
Shin: He's clearly the guy who normally kidnaps the princess!
Sign: Hello, Rumble. Welcome to Odd Jobs.
Gin: Hello, Rumble. Welcome to Odd Jobs.
Sign: Before you join, I'd like to know your affinity. Is that okay?
Gin: Before you join, I'd like to know your affinity. Is that okay?
Sign: I'm SI'm M
Shin: What happened to "yes" and "no"?!
Shin: How many things could you respond to with that?!
Gin: All an RPG protag needs to say is whether he's S or M.
Gin: That'd let him choose his size at the armor shop, too.
Text M: ,Which size armor would you like?
Sign: I'm M
Gin: Rumble's L-sized, though.
Shin: What's the point, then? The leather armor would be too tight on him!
Gin: Also, you recover HP at Starbecks, not inns, giving the game a modern, hip feel.
Gin: The options should come in handy there, too.
Sign: Would you like that in short, tall, or grande?
Shin: He can't order anything!
Shin: The grande and stuff is too trendy for him! He's freaking out!
Gin: Don't worry. HP might be difficult,
Gin: but buying rope and candles from the item shop will let you recover MP.
Sign: I'm M
Shin: That's Masochist Points!
Shin: Why is "M" the only choice you can make in this game?!
Shin: Hey! Who the hell would want to control such a gross protag?
Gin: Relax. It only looks so graphic because this is a cinematic scene.
Gin: Most of the time, he'll be super-deformed.
Shin: The protag is practically a corpse?
Gin: Games these days are too reliant on FMVs.
Gin: Graphics only need to be detailed in climactic scenes.
Gin: The rest of the time, they should be left up to the player's imagination.
Sign: Shinpachi: "Big trouble, Gin-san!"
Shin: What do you think you're leaving to imagination?!
Shin: What happened to the body? Are you saying that's a waste of resources, too?!
Sign: Someone kidnapped the princess.
Shin: Hey! Why're the glasses dragging a coffin around?!
Shin: Does it mean what I think it means?!
Kag: With that, we've got a full party.
Gin: Yeah. The four of them will now begin their adventure.
Gintoki_____Kagu,Sign: GintokiKaguraRumbleShinpachi
Shin: They've practically been wiped out from the start! Hurry up and visit the church!
Sign: A monster appeared.
Kag: Look, an enemy.
Rotten,Sign: Rotten Shades ()ATKDEFWORK
Shin: Why is everyone, ally or enemy, a corpse?!
Shin: Why is Hasegawa-san a monster?!
Gin: That's not Hasegawa-san. It's Rotten Shades ().
Shin: So Hasegawa-san, then!
Sign: Rotten Shades calls for backup...
Sign: Rotten Shades calls for backup... but no help arrives.
Sign: Rotten Shades calls for backup...
Sign: Rotten Shades calls for backup... but no help arrives.
Sign: Rotten Shades calls for backup...
Sign: Rotten Shades calls for backup... but no help arrives, obviously.
Shin: Somebody help him!
Sign: Rotten Shades is defeated.
Shin: What did he even show up for? All he's done is embarrass himself!
Sign: Rotten Shades gets up and looks at you like he wants work. Will you give him a job?
Shin: "He wants work"? What's that supposed to mean?
Shin: Wait, is he gonna join the party? You can save the Rotten Shades?
Sign: I'm S
Shin: Somebody save him!
Shin: I don't see a choice to save Rotten Shades ()!
Gin: Games have gotten too indifferent to k*lling and looting, right?
Gin: You k*ll monsters for XP and open chests in strangers' homes for items.
Gin: By giving the players a choice in this scenario,
Gin: we want them to learn how much people sin in everyday life.
Shin: Can we really make kids play a game where they finish off a half-dead guy?
Gin: Our lives are being supported by countless deaths.
Gin: We wanna teach kids that through this game.
Gin: So the more Rotten Shades you k*ll, the more coffins you'll be dragging around.
Shin: We don't need any more corpses!
Shin: This is so depressing, it'll only make people lose motivation to play!
Sign: GintokiKaguraRumbleShinpachi
Kag: We lost HP.
Kag: What caused it?
Sign: GintokiJob: NEET
Gin: Looks like I got infected by NEET in the fight against the Rotten Shades.
Sign: Why is NEET a poison-like status effect?
Gin: It reduces the motivation stat to zero, preventing the use of items or heals.
Sign: ATKDEFMOTWALK
Gin: You also lose the energy to walk, so HP is gradually lost.
Gin: And eventually...
Text M Red,Sign: The party is wiped out.
Shin: NEET is way too scary!
Gin: Of course it is. Being a NEET is terrifying.
Gin: You know how a lot of people are goofing off after finishing their education lately?
Gin: We want to show them how important it is to work.
Shin: But you're not. All you're showing them is an absurd fear of NEETdom!
Enquiry,Sign: Enquiries
Gin: Don't worry. Those who are up for the fight will get another chance.
Sign: This is Hello Work. We can refer you to a workplace.
Shin: What? You come back to life at Hello Work, not a church?
Gin: So long as you never give up, you can start anew over and over.
Sign: Choose your new job.
Sign: S, pleaseM, please
Shin: Excuse me! In the end, S and M are the only jobs I can take!
Sign: Choose quickly.
Sign: Choose quickly.Could you hurry up?
Gin: Huh? The staff are acting weird.
Sign: It doesn't matter which.
Sign: It doesn't matter which.Come on...
Sign: It doesn't matter which.Come on...Man... This is a pain.
Text M Red,Sign: Hello Work is wiped out.
Shin: NEET is way too scary!
Shin: Why has it infected theHello Work staff, too?!
Gin: Sometimes, even Hello Work people don't wanna work.
Gin: I wanted to show the player that.
Shin: Do you wanna make them work or not?
Text M Red,Sign: Edo is wiped out.
Gin: At this point, all you can do is reset and start over.
Shin: Who was it that said you can start anew so long as you don't give up?!
Gin: Shaddup!
Gin: You think you can auto-revive when you're wiped out? Life ain't that easy!
Gin: Those of us who grew up on Wizardry
Gin: had to form another party to go recover our bodies once we got wiped out.
Gin: After all that trouble, we'd take them to the temple to revive,
Gin: but sometimes we'd fail and lose our characters forever.
Shin: Enough with your "back in my day" crap!
Shin: There's no way modern kids could deal with this masochistic design!
Kag: That's it. Making them reset is going too far.
Sign: Odd Jobs Gin-chan
Sign: Snack Otose
Kag: We can just make them form a new party to save us NEETs.
Sign: Welcome to Kabuki District, Rumblee.
Oto: Welcome to Kabuki District, Rumblee.
Shin: Rumblee?!
Kag: Rumble had a kid sister.
Kag: She's come to Kabuki District in order to save him.
Shin: I get it! Twin protags!
Sign: I'm impressed by your resolve to save your NEET brother.
Oto: I'm impressed by your resolve to save your NEET brother.
Sign: But this town is overrun with NEET now.
Oto: But this town is overrun with NEET now.
Sign: Rumblee,
Oto: Rumblee, can you really...
Sign: Rumblee,can you really...
Sign: save your brother?!
Oto: save your brother?!
MADAO_Hazard,Sign: MADAO Hazard
Voice: MADAO Hazard.
Shin: It turned into a completely different game!
Kag: Act Two, Tales of Madao Hazard,
Kag: is a survival-horror game set in a Kabuki District taken over by NEETs.
Shin: Why have NEETs turned into a resident evil biohazard?!
Kag: The player must cut through wave after wave of NEETs.
Shin: What happened to the girl who came here to save a NEET?!
Kag: The objective is to reach NEET Rumble!
Shin: Rumble's totally become the last boss!
Sign: Oh, no. Shinpachi's been completely consumed.
Shin: What do you mean, "consumed"? Just how terrifying is the NEET virus?
Sign: Shinpachi... Rumble...
Kag: Shinpachi... Rumble...
Sign: Don't give up! There must be a way to make them work!
Gin: Don't give up!
Gin: There must be a way to make them work!
Shin: How come you two get to be Rumblee's party members and I don't?!
Sign: Fire that thing into their asses. It'll send them flying all the way to Hello Work.
Mad: Fire that thing into their asses.
Mad: It'll send them flying all the way to Hello Work.
Shin: Hey! Why's the NEET who caused all this showing up now like he's here to help?!
Sign: However, there's only one work slot open.
Mad: However, there's only one work slot open.
Sign: Unfortunately, one of the two will beerased along with the NEET virus.
Mad: Unfortunately, one of the two will be erased along with the NEET virus.
Shin: Say what?!
Sign: Press A for Shinpachi-kun.Press B for Rumble.
Mad: Press A for Shinpachi-kun.Press B for Rumble.
Sign: Press A for Shinpachi-kun.Press B for Rumble.Now, choose one!
Mad: Now, choose one!
Shin: H-How are you supposed to choose—
Sign: I'm S
Shin: You too?!
Shin: In the end, all three NEETs got wiped out!
Shin: Can both siblings only speak in S and Ms?!
Shin: How the hell were they raised?!
Kag: There you have it.
Gin: Pretty good.
Shin: Like hell it is!
Shin: This game has nothing to do with even the G of Gintama!
Shin: And what happened to the stuff about the kidnapped princess, anyway?!
Gin: The princess doesn't exist anymore. Everyone turned into a NEET.
Shin: Just how half-assed is this story?!
Tama: Shinpachi-sama...
Tama: The kidnapped princess, and the slain Rumble and friends...
Tama: There's one way to recover them all.
Shin: Really, Tama-san?
Tama: The princess is fine.
Tama: Funnily enough, she escaped the NEET outbreak because she was kidnapped.
Tama: She was being held c*ptive by terrifying monsters
Tama: in a world where no living person can ever set foot.
Shin: D-Don't tell me...
Tama: Yes. In order to gain tickets to the afterlife and save the princess,
Tama: Rumble and g*ng risked their lives and separated their bodies and souls.
Tama: Their new forms showed no traces of the time they spent as MADAOs.
Tama: History would come to know them as...
Super_MADAO_Brot,Sign: Super {\c&HEE&}MA{\c&HFFD&}DA{\c&HFDFC&}O {\c&HC&}Brothers
Shin: Forget recovering anything!It just made an even bigger mess!
Shin: Are you seriously going to start a third act at this point?
Shin: How many coattails are you people gonna crap on?!
Tama: But they've found work as plumbers now, and the princess will be rescued, too.
Tama: Everyone will be saved.
Shin: Not Bamco!
Gin: Okay, fine. We'll move on to a guy named Bamco Lord van Damme as the protag and—
Shin: Enough!
G: So we can either go with something like this or the action game showed before.
Sign: Gintama Rumble Pitch
G: Which should we release, President?
Bandai_Namco - Copy,Sign: Bandai Namco
Prez: I'm S!
Tae: Take care.
Shin: Uh, something seems off.
Title: Glasses Are a Part of the Soul
Sign: Zoff's Eyewear
Zo: So, what kind of glasses are you looking for?
Zo: Normal ones like these.
Zo: I broke them while half-asleep.
Zo: All the trendy stores are too expen—wait, don't take it the wrong way!
Zo: It's fine. We place more importance on visibility than appearance.
Zo: Glasses take the place of their wearer's eyes to see things.
Zo: They're a second pair of eyes.
Zo: Why don't you try these?
Zo: They have a bit of a rock style, though.
Shin: Uh, is this really rock?
Zo: They're called the Curr Sedd Glasses.
Shin: Curr Sedd Glasses?
Zo: These will let you see through all the world's truths clearly and distinctly.
Shin: Clearly and distinctly?
Zo: Indeed.
Zo: All of nature and creation, clearly and distinctly.
Shin: Uh, this goes beyond clearly and distinctly.
Shin: I'm clearly and distinctly seeing things that I shouldn't be seeing.
Shin: "Curr Sedd Glasses"?
Shin: These are just cursed glasses!
Guardian_Spirit,Sign: GuardianSpirit
Vo: Guardian spirit.
Shin: It started analyzing things!
Sign: Guardian spirits are spiritsthat follow a person or other entity and protect them. Also known as tutelary deitiesor guardian angels.
Sign: Guardian spirits are spiritsthat follow a person or other entity and protect them. Also known as tutelary deities or guardian angels.-Extract from Vikipedia
Shin: It just copy-pasted from Vikipedia?!
Shin: Why can I see guardian spirits? These glasses are no joke!
Shin: And I can't unequip these cursed glasses!
Shin: That geezer!
Shin: What the hell does he think he's sold me?!
Shin: He'll pay for this!
Shin: Th-The store's gone...
Shin: No way.
Shin: Was that store itself an otherworldly eyewear store?
Shin: What am I to do?
Sign: Odd Jobs Gin-chan
Shin: Gin-san!
Shin: Please help me!
Gin: What?
Gin: I can't deal with all this noise so early, man.
Gin: What is it? You see something scary?
Sign: One word and you're dead.
Shin: N-No, it's nothing.
Shin: There was a huge one here, too!
Shin: Gin-san has one crazy guardian spirit!
Gin: What's wrong with you? Do you wanna be k*lled?
Shin: I-I'm sorry. Please don't k*ll me.
Gin: Seriously, what's gotten into you?
Shin: Spirit, nothing! That's practically a monster!
Shin: Has this thing always been by Gin-san's side since the anime started years ago?
Gin: I'm busy as sh*t this morning, y'know.
Gin: I have so much to do, even an extra arm wouldn't be enough.
Shin: But you're using six arms!
Shin: Your guardian spirit's helping you with your morning stuff!
Gin: You should hurry up and get ready, too.
Gin: We're being forced to take part in the neighborhood sports meet.
Spirit L,Sign: Chew well.
Spirit R,Sign: What about rice?Want a normal serving or large?
Shin: What're you, a mom?!
Shin: And what does this look like without the glasses?
Gin: Oh, the miso soup moved.
Shin: A guardian spirit was behind the moving miso soup phenomenon?
Gin: I need to take a dump.
Shin: That's how the morning call of nature worked?!
Gin: Huh? Hey, who forgot to flush their poop?!
Shin: The unflushed poop was a guardian spirit's?!
Shin: I-I had no idea
Shin: that they were supporting our lifestyles this way.
Shin: But who knows what'd happen to me if I exposed this?
Shin: Anyway, I can't believe Gin-san had such a rugged guardian spirit.
Shin: No wonder he's so strong.
Shin: Is he an ancestor of his, or some god his family worshiped?
Text L,Sign: Guardian Spirit Asuraman.
Voice: Guardian Spirit Asuraman.
Spirit Text L,Sign: Guardian Spirit Asuraman.Sakata Gintoki's guardian spirit.The spirit of Ginnikuman erasershe got from capsule machines as a kid.
Shin: He was a Ginraser spirit?!
Shin: What the hell do you mean, an eraser's spirit?!
Spirit Text R,Sign: He got seven Asuramans, so he threw away six. The vengeful malice of the six formed a spirit that plots to exact revenge on its host when it gets the chance.
Shin: This is no guardian spirit! It's just a vengeful ghost!
Sign: Toilet
Gin: Hey, we're out of toilet paper!
Spirit Text R,Sign: Special ability: making minor things disappearwith its eraser.
Shin: That's some petty revenge!
Gin: Shinpachi! Bring me some TP!
Sign: I'll k*ll you if you bring it!!
Gin: You there, Shinpachi?!
Gin: Hey! TP!
Shin: Sorry, Gin-san, but your guardian spirit has no intention of guarding you.
Gin: We're out of toilet paper, Shinpachi!
Gin: Wake up, Kagura!
Gin: Bring me toilet paper!
AA: Quiet. Forget that, bring me booze.
Shin: Who the hell is this dude?!
AA: Hup.
Sign: Guardian Spirit Alchu.
Voice: Guardian Spirit Alchu.
Sign: Guardian Spirit Alchu.Kagura's guardian spirit.The spirit of a p***monthat's super popular with kids.
Shin: What do you mean, Alchu? What is it, a ripoff?!
Sign: A miraculous monster born from a collaboration betweena drunkard and the P***chustuffed toy Kagura made asa poor child who wanted tobe part of the P***mon fad.
Kag: No! My P***chu!
Shin: That drunkard looks familiar!
Shin: Actually, the spirit looks just like him, too!
Spirit Text R,Sign: Swore absolute loyalty to theshochu that gave birth to him, stays with it, and protects itat all times.
Shin: He's just an alcoholic!
Gin: Kagura! TP!
AA: Oh, shut up.
AA: Gimme a sec. I'll go call Master.
AA: Master, shochu on the rocks.
Shin: Not a master bartender!
AA: Wake up, Master.
AA: We're out of shochu, Master.
Shin: Who wakes someone up like that?!
Kag: Ew, something stinks!
Shin: Is that why she always wakes up in a bad mood?!
AA: Master, get me sake.
AA: Sake, sake. Sake, okay?
AA: Sake, Sakay...
Kag: So sleepy...
AA: ...kay.
Kag: I wanna pee...
AA: ...kay.
Kag: Going to the bathroom...
Spirit Text R,Sign: Since alcohol is his primary sourceof energy, he's always requestingmore sake from his master.
AA: ...kay.
Shin: The 'kays were coming from you?!
Shin: That wasn't a verbal tic? It was just the ramblings of a drunkard?!
Kag: Hey, somebody in there? Tell me...
AA: ...kay.
Kag: What the heck? There's no response...
AA: ...kay.
Shin: Oh, I forgot about Gin-san.
Spirit Text L,Sign: Guardian Spirit TP Knight
Voice: Guardian Spirit TP Knight.
Why are you a spirit now?!
Spirit Text R,Sign: The ill-will over a lack of TP andnobody bringing it to him brings this spirit of Sakata Gintoki to life every morning.
Shin: You turn into a spirit over no paper? You do this crap every morning?!
Spirit Text R,Sign: While wandering to Matsu**to Kiyoshi fortoilet paper, it also walks Sadaharu ashis makeshift guardian spirit.
Shin: You were the one walking Sadaharu?!
AA: Take care of him.
Shin: My ass! You guys are totally useless!
Sign: Kabuki District Sports Meet
Oto: Thank you all for taking time out of your busy schedules to be here today.
Sign: Kabuki District Sports Meet
Gin: Jeez, why do old men and cabaret girls have to race one another?
Shin: Old men and cabaret girls would be one thing...
Shin: But all I'm seeing is a great underworld w*r!
TBC,Sign: To Be Continued
Title: Guardian Spirits Are Alsoa Part of the Soul
Shin: You know, this isn't even the right season for a sports meet!
TextR: Taking part in a big sports meet
TextL: while listening to Jingle Bells has its own charm.
TextR: But what becomes of Pachi-boy's glasses,
TextL: which have turned into something quite bizarre?
Slip Arc,OP Card: Slip Arc
Gin: Gintama Rumble?
Gin: What the heck is this?
Warning: Enjoy Gintama Rumble in a bright room and at a safe distance from your TV!!
Shin: What do you mean? It's an upcoming game.
Shin: Following the success of the Gintama board game,
Shin: Bandai Namco went all-out to make another game adaptation.
Kag: And it's an actual action game this time, as you can tell from the "Rumble."
Kag: It's got tons more money investedin it than the board game.
Gin: What's the point of making an action game when we don't have any special moves?
Gin: Talk about living in denial.
Gin: At least it was kinda cute when they made the board game in desperation.
Shin: Hey, quit complaining.
Gin: What's even going on with the rights? Don't you think this is weird, Bamco?
missing: ,Sugar Content
Shin: Our protagonist discussing our game is weirder, if you ask me.
Gin: True, we never really talked about it before.
Gin: Regardless of who made games about us or how badly they bombed,
Gin: we pretended not to notice.
Shin: Stop being rude, or we'll never get another game!
Gin: Besides, the licensed-game genre has always been a hotbed of shitty games.
Shin: They're not shitty! They're made with love and affection!
Gin: But if we don't produce a hit soon, sponsors might give up on the whole franchise.
Gin: That could lead to a reduction of cross-media promotions and merch
Gin: and ultimately affect even the anime.
Shin: Uh, the anime isn't really one to talk.
Gin: Talk about reckless, making an action game while we weren't paying attention.
Gin: It'll be in the bargain bin within a few months, no doubt.
Shin: Don't jinx it before the release! It's gonna sell like hotcakes!
Gin: I dunno about other Jump protags,
Gin: but as an adult protag, I'm gonna point out problems when I see them.
Shin: You're the biggest problem here!
Shin: I've never heard of a protag meddling in his franchise's merch!
Gin: I'm saying I can't just sit back and let Bamco handle it all.
Gin: In this day and age, any protag worth his salt has to oversee all the merch.
Gin: On that note...
Title: The Line Between Godlike Games and Shitty Games Is Paper-Thin
Sign: Bandai Namco
Sign: Lab A
Tama: Main system successfully infiltrated.
missing: ,Authenticating
Unlocked,Sign: Unlocked
Tama: Hacking complete.
Gin: Great. Let's fix up Gintama Rumble by ourselves.
Shin: Hey! What do you think you're doing right before the release?!
Gin: We're gonna do all we can to make a game that has a chance of selling a million.
Shin: Yeah, right!
Shin: Do you really think we're gonna get away with sneaking in here and doing whatever?
Shin: They've almost finished making a really fun game!
Gintama_Rumble: ,Gintama Rumble
Shin: People with no game dev experience should keep their noses out of this!
Gin: Don't be naïve.
Gin: Sure, it might be a fun game.
Gin: But I wanna ask Bamco this:
Gin: "Do you guys really want to score a hit?"
Gintama_Rumble,Sign: Gintama Rumble
Gin: If they were serious about it,
Gintama_Rumble,Sign: Gintama Rumble
Gin: this is what would happen, obviously.
Shin: Like hell!
Shin: Don't try to claw your way into a super-hit series!
Gin: There's a ton of them already, so nobody'll notice if we slip ourselves in.
Gin: Can't go wrong Tales-of-ing basically anything in life.
Shin: What the hell is "Tales-of-ing"? What kinda verb is that?
Gin: Ignoring our crude original work is fine.
Gin: We're totally up for Tales-of-ing off of them.
Shin: More like Tales of hitching a ride on their backs!
Shin: Talk about riding on someone else's coattails!
Tama: Roger.
Tama: You want to be carried one way or another.
Shin: Hey, Tama-san!
Tama: So switching to a fantasy RPG, basically?
Shin: Wait a sec! What about the "Rumble" part?
Gintama_Rumble,Sign: Gintama Rumble
Shin: That's the USP of this game, you know!
Kag: That won't be hard to work around. We can just name the protag Rumble or something.
Shin: Who? This will be a Gintama game, right?
Gin: Great idea. I really hate game protags who talk too much.
Gin: In order to provide the best immersion,
Gin: he should say nothing but "yes" and "no," like in DQ.
Gin: So Gin-san doesn't have to be the protag here.
Gin: The protag has no personality, only speaks when required,
Tales_of_Rumble,Sign: Tales of Rumble
Gin: and his name is Tales of Rumble.
Shin: But Rumble's dripping with personality!
Shin: Even if he doesn't say a word, his back tells the whole story!
Sign: Odd Jobs Gin-chan
Sign: Snack Otose
Gin: Rumble comes to Edo, joins Odd Jobs,
Gin: and rescues the kidnapped princess with us, is the story.
Shin: Who would self-insert into this rugged old man?
Shin: He's clearly the guy who normally kidnaps the princess!
Sign: Hello, Rumble. Welcome to Odd Jobs.
Gin: Hello, Rumble. Welcome to Odd Jobs.
Sign: Before you join, I'd like to know your affinity. Is that okay?
Gin: Before you join, I'd like to know your affinity. Is that okay?
Sign: I'm SI'm M
Shin: What happened to "yes" and "no"?!
Shin: How many things could you respond to with that?!
Gin: All an RPG protag needs to say is whether he's S or M.
Gin: That'd let him choose his size at the armor shop, too.
Text M: ,Which size armor would you like?
Sign: I'm M
Gin: Rumble's L-sized, though.
Shin: What's the point, then? The leather armor would be too tight on him!
Gin: Also, you recover HP at Starbecks, not inns, giving the game a modern, hip feel.
Gin: The options should come in handy there, too.
Sign: Would you like that in short, tall, or grande?
Shin: He can't order anything!
Shin: The grande and stuff is too trendy for him! He's freaking out!
Gin: Don't worry. HP might be difficult,
Gin: but buying rope and candles from the item shop will let you recover MP.
Sign: I'm M
Shin: That's Masochist Points!
Shin: Why is "M" the only choice you can make in this game?!
Shin: Hey! Who the hell would want to control such a gross protag?
Gin: Relax. It only looks so graphic because this is a cinematic scene.
Gin: Most of the time, he'll be super-deformed.
Shin: The protag is practically a corpse?
Gin: Games these days are too reliant on FMVs.
Gin: Graphics only need to be detailed in climactic scenes.
Gin: The rest of the time, they should be left up to the player's imagination.
Sign: Shinpachi: "Big trouble, Gin-san!"
Shin: What do you think you're leaving to imagination?!
Shin: What happened to the body? Are you saying that's a waste of resources, too?!
Sign: Someone kidnapped the princess.
Shin: Hey! Why're the glasses dragging a coffin around?!
Shin: Does it mean what I think it means?!
Kag: With that, we've got a full party.
Gin: Yeah. The four of them will now begin their adventure.
Gintoki_____Kagu,Sign: GintokiKaguraRumbleShinpachi
Shin: They've practically been wiped out from the start! Hurry up and visit the church!
Sign: A monster appeared.
Kag: Look, an enemy.
Rotten,Sign: Rotten Shades ()ATKDEFWORK
Shin: Why is everyone, ally or enemy, a corpse?!
Shin: Why is Hasegawa-san a monster?!
Gin: That's not Hasegawa-san. It's Rotten Shades ().
Shin: So Hasegawa-san, then!
Sign: Rotten Shades calls for backup...
Sign: Rotten Shades calls for backup... but no help arrives.
Sign: Rotten Shades calls for backup...
Sign: Rotten Shades calls for backup... but no help arrives.
Sign: Rotten Shades calls for backup...
Sign: Rotten Shades calls for backup... but no help arrives, obviously.
Shin: Somebody help him!
Sign: Rotten Shades is defeated.
Shin: What did he even show up for? All he's done is embarrass himself!
Sign: Rotten Shades gets up and looks at you like he wants work. Will you give him a job?
Shin: "He wants work"? What's that supposed to mean?
Shin: Wait, is he gonna join the party? You can save the Rotten Shades?
Sign: I'm S
Shin: Somebody save him!
Shin: I don't see a choice to save Rotten Shades ()!
Gin: Games have gotten too indifferent to k*lling and looting, right?
Gin: You k*ll monsters for XP and open chests in strangers' homes for items.
Gin: By giving the players a choice in this scenario,
Gin: we want them to learn how much people sin in everyday life.
Shin: Can we really make kids play a game where they finish off a half-dead guy?
Gin: Our lives are being supported by countless deaths.
Gin: We wanna teach kids that through this game.
Gin: So the more Rotten Shades you k*ll, the more coffins you'll be dragging around.
Shin: We don't need any more corpses!
Shin: This is so depressing, it'll only make people lose motivation to play!
Sign: GintokiKaguraRumbleShinpachi
Kag: We lost HP.
Kag: What caused it?
Sign: GintokiJob: NEET
Gin: Looks like I got infected by NEET in the fight against the Rotten Shades.
Sign: Why is NEET a poison-like status effect?
Gin: It reduces the motivation stat to zero, preventing the use of items or heals.
Sign: ATKDEFMOTWALK
Gin: You also lose the energy to walk, so HP is gradually lost.
Gin: And eventually...
Text M Red,Sign: The party is wiped out.
Shin: NEET is way too scary!
Gin: Of course it is. Being a NEET is terrifying.
Gin: You know how a lot of people are goofing off after finishing their education lately?
Gin: We want to show them how important it is to work.
Shin: But you're not. All you're showing them is an absurd fear of NEETdom!
Enquiry,Sign: Enquiries
Gin: Don't worry. Those who are up for the fight will get another chance.
Sign: This is Hello Work. We can refer you to a workplace.
Shin: What? You come back to life at Hello Work, not a church?
Gin: So long as you never give up, you can start anew over and over.
Sign: Choose your new job.
Sign: S, pleaseM, please
Shin: Excuse me! In the end, S and M are the only jobs I can take!
Sign: Choose quickly.
Sign: Choose quickly.Could you hurry up?
Gin: Huh? The staff are acting weird.
Sign: It doesn't matter which.
Sign: It doesn't matter which.Come on...
Sign: It doesn't matter which.Come on...Man... This is a pain.
Text M Red,Sign: Hello Work is wiped out.
Shin: NEET is way too scary!
Shin: Why has it infected theHello Work staff, too?!
Gin: Sometimes, even Hello Work people don't wanna work.
Gin: I wanted to show the player that.
Shin: Do you wanna make them work or not?
Text M Red,Sign: Edo is wiped out.
Gin: At this point, all you can do is reset and start over.
Shin: Who was it that said you can start anew so long as you don't give up?!
Gin: Shaddup!
Gin: You think you can auto-revive when you're wiped out? Life ain't that easy!
Gin: Those of us who grew up on Wizardry
Gin: had to form another party to go recover our bodies once we got wiped out.
Gin: After all that trouble, we'd take them to the temple to revive,
Gin: but sometimes we'd fail and lose our characters forever.
Shin: Enough with your "back in my day" crap!
Shin: There's no way modern kids could deal with this masochistic design!
Kag: That's it. Making them reset is going too far.
Sign: Odd Jobs Gin-chan
Sign: Snack Otose
Kag: We can just make them form a new party to save us NEETs.
Sign: Welcome to Kabuki District, Rumblee.
Oto: Welcome to Kabuki District, Rumblee.
Shin: Rumblee?!
Kag: Rumble had a kid sister.
Kag: She's come to Kabuki District in order to save him.
Shin: I get it! Twin protags!
Sign: I'm impressed by your resolve to save your NEET brother.
Oto: I'm impressed by your resolve to save your NEET brother.
Sign: But this town is overrun with NEET now.
Oto: But this town is overrun with NEET now.
Sign: Rumblee,
Oto: Rumblee, can you really...
Sign: Rumblee,can you really...
Sign: save your brother?!
Oto: save your brother?!
MADAO_Hazard,Sign: MADAO Hazard
Voice: MADAO Hazard.
Shin: It turned into a completely different game!
Kag: Act Two, Tales of Madao Hazard,
Kag: is a survival-horror game set in a Kabuki District taken over by NEETs.
Shin: Why have NEETs turned into a resident evil biohazard?!
Kag: The player must cut through wave after wave of NEETs.
Shin: What happened to the girl who came here to save a NEET?!
Kag: The objective is to reach NEET Rumble!
Shin: Rumble's totally become the last boss!
Sign: Oh, no. Shinpachi's been completely consumed.
Shin: What do you mean, "consumed"? Just how terrifying is the NEET virus?
Sign: Shinpachi... Rumble...
Kag: Shinpachi... Rumble...
Sign: Don't give up! There must be a way to make them work!
Gin: Don't give up!
Gin: There must be a way to make them work!
Shin: How come you two get to be Rumblee's party members and I don't?!
Sign: Fire that thing into their asses. It'll send them flying all the way to Hello Work.
Mad: Fire that thing into their asses.
Mad: It'll send them flying all the way to Hello Work.
Shin: Hey! Why's the NEET who caused all this showing up now like he's here to help?!
Sign: However, there's only one work slot open.
Mad: However, there's only one work slot open.
Sign: Unfortunately, one of the two will beerased along with the NEET virus.
Mad: Unfortunately, one of the two will be erased along with the NEET virus.
Shin: Say what?!
Sign: Press A for Shinpachi-kun.Press B for Rumble.
Mad: Press A for Shinpachi-kun.Press B for Rumble.
Sign: Press A for Shinpachi-kun.Press B for Rumble.Now, choose one!
Mad: Now, choose one!
Shin: H-How are you supposed to choose—
Sign: I'm S
Shin: You too?!
Shin: In the end, all three NEETs got wiped out!
Shin: Can both siblings only speak in S and Ms?!
Shin: How the hell were they raised?!
Kag: There you have it.
Gin: Pretty good.
Shin: Like hell it is!
Shin: This game has nothing to do with even the G of Gintama!
Shin: And what happened to the stuff about the kidnapped princess, anyway?!
Gin: The princess doesn't exist anymore. Everyone turned into a NEET.
Shin: Just how half-assed is this story?!
Tama: Shinpachi-sama...
Tama: The kidnapped princess, and the slain Rumble and friends...
Tama: There's one way to recover them all.
Shin: Really, Tama-san?
Tama: The princess is fine.
Tama: Funnily enough, she escaped the NEET outbreak because she was kidnapped.
Tama: She was being held c*ptive by terrifying monsters
Tama: in a world where no living person can ever set foot.
Shin: D-Don't tell me...
Tama: Yes. In order to gain tickets to the afterlife and save the princess,
Tama: Rumble and g*ng risked their lives and separated their bodies and souls.
Tama: Their new forms showed no traces of the time they spent as MADAOs.
Tama: History would come to know them as...
Super_MADAO_Brot,Sign: Super {\c&HEE&}MA{\c&HFFD&}DA{\c&HFDFC&}O {\c&HC&}Brothers
Shin: Forget recovering anything!It just made an even bigger mess!
Shin: Are you seriously going to start a third act at this point?
Shin: How many coattails are you people gonna crap on?!
Tama: But they've found work as plumbers now, and the princess will be rescued, too.
Tama: Everyone will be saved.
Shin: Not Bamco!
Gin: Okay, fine. We'll move on to a guy named Bamco Lord van Damme as the protag and—
Shin: Enough!
G: So we can either go with something like this or the action game showed before.
Sign: Gintama Rumble Pitch
G: Which should we release, President?
Bandai_Namco - Copy,Sign: Bandai Namco
Prez: I'm S!
Tae: Take care.
Shin: Uh, something seems off.
Title: Glasses Are a Part of the Soul
Sign: Zoff's Eyewear
Zo: So, what kind of glasses are you looking for?
Zo: Normal ones like these.
Zo: I broke them while half-asleep.
Zo: All the trendy stores are too expen—wait, don't take it the wrong way!
Zo: It's fine. We place more importance on visibility than appearance.
Zo: Glasses take the place of their wearer's eyes to see things.
Zo: They're a second pair of eyes.
Zo: Why don't you try these?
Zo: They have a bit of a rock style, though.
Shin: Uh, is this really rock?
Zo: They're called the Curr Sedd Glasses.
Shin: Curr Sedd Glasses?
Zo: These will let you see through all the world's truths clearly and distinctly.
Shin: Clearly and distinctly?
Zo: Indeed.
Zo: All of nature and creation, clearly and distinctly.
Shin: Uh, this goes beyond clearly and distinctly.
Shin: I'm clearly and distinctly seeing things that I shouldn't be seeing.
Shin: "Curr Sedd Glasses"?
Shin: These are just cursed glasses!
Guardian_Spirit,Sign: GuardianSpirit
Vo: Guardian spirit.
Shin: It started analyzing things!
Sign: Guardian spirits are spiritsthat follow a person or other entity and protect them. Also known as tutelary deitiesor guardian angels.
Sign: Guardian spirits are spiritsthat follow a person or other entity and protect them. Also known as tutelary deities or guardian angels.-Extract from Vikipedia
Shin: It just copy-pasted from Vikipedia?!
Shin: Why can I see guardian spirits? These glasses are no joke!
Shin: And I can't unequip these cursed glasses!
Shin: That geezer!
Shin: What the hell does he think he's sold me?!
Shin: He'll pay for this!
Shin: Th-The store's gone...
Shin: No way.
Shin: Was that store itself an otherworldly eyewear store?
Shin: What am I to do?
Sign: Odd Jobs Gin-chan
Shin: Gin-san!
Shin: Please help me!
Gin: What?
Gin: I can't deal with all this noise so early, man.
Gin: What is it? You see something scary?
Sign: One word and you're dead.
Shin: N-No, it's nothing.
Shin: There was a huge one here, too!
Shin: Gin-san has one crazy guardian spirit!
Gin: What's wrong with you? Do you wanna be k*lled?
Shin: I-I'm sorry. Please don't k*ll me.
Gin: Seriously, what's gotten into you?
Shin: Spirit, nothing! That's practically a monster!
Shin: Has this thing always been by Gin-san's side since the anime started years ago?
Gin: I'm busy as sh*t this morning, y'know.
Gin: I have so much to do, even an extra arm wouldn't be enough.
Shin: But you're using six arms!
Shin: Your guardian spirit's helping you with your morning stuff!
Gin: You should hurry up and get ready, too.
Gin: We're being forced to take part in the neighborhood sports meet.
Spirit L,Sign: Chew well.
Spirit R,Sign: What about rice?Want a normal serving or large?
Shin: What're you, a mom?!
Shin: And what does this look like without the glasses?
Gin: Oh, the miso soup moved.
Shin: A guardian spirit was behind the moving miso soup phenomenon?
Gin: I need to take a dump.
Shin: That's how the morning call of nature worked?!
Gin: Huh? Hey, who forgot to flush their poop?!
Shin: The unflushed poop was a guardian spirit's?!
Shin: I-I had no idea
Shin: that they were supporting our lifestyles this way.
Shin: But who knows what'd happen to me if I exposed this?
Shin: Anyway, I can't believe Gin-san had such a rugged guardian spirit.
Shin: No wonder he's so strong.
Shin: Is he an ancestor of his, or some god his family worshiped?
Text L,Sign: Guardian Spirit Asuraman.
Voice: Guardian Spirit Asuraman.
Spirit Text L,Sign: Guardian Spirit Asuraman.Sakata Gintoki's guardian spirit.The spirit of Ginnikuman erasershe got from capsule machines as a kid.
Shin: He was a Ginraser spirit?!
Shin: What the hell do you mean, an eraser's spirit?!
Spirit Text R,Sign: He got seven Asuramans, so he threw away six. The vengeful malice of the six formed a spirit that plots to exact revenge on its host when it gets the chance.
Shin: This is no guardian spirit! It's just a vengeful ghost!
Sign: Toilet
Gin: Hey, we're out of toilet paper!
Spirit Text R,Sign: Special ability: making minor things disappearwith its eraser.
Shin: That's some petty revenge!
Gin: Shinpachi! Bring me some TP!
Sign: I'll k*ll you if you bring it!!
Gin: You there, Shinpachi?!
Gin: Hey! TP!
Shin: Sorry, Gin-san, but your guardian spirit has no intention of guarding you.
Gin: We're out of toilet paper, Shinpachi!
Gin: Wake up, Kagura!
Gin: Bring me toilet paper!
AA: Quiet. Forget that, bring me booze.
Shin: Who the hell is this dude?!
AA: Hup.
Sign: Guardian Spirit Alchu.
Voice: Guardian Spirit Alchu.
Sign: Guardian Spirit Alchu.Kagura's guardian spirit.The spirit of a p***monthat's super popular with kids.
Shin: What do you mean, Alchu? What is it, a ripoff?!
Sign: A miraculous monster born from a collaboration betweena drunkard and the P***chustuffed toy Kagura made asa poor child who wanted tobe part of the P***mon fad.
Kag: No! My P***chu!
Shin: That drunkard looks familiar!
Shin: Actually, the spirit looks just like him, too!
Spirit Text R,Sign: Swore absolute loyalty to theshochu that gave birth to him, stays with it, and protects itat all times.
Shin: He's just an alcoholic!
Gin: Kagura! TP!
AA: Oh, shut up.
AA: Gimme a sec. I'll go call Master.
AA: Master, shochu on the rocks.
Shin: Not a master bartender!
AA: Wake up, Master.
AA: We're out of shochu, Master.
Shin: Who wakes someone up like that?!
Kag: Ew, something stinks!
Shin: Is that why she always wakes up in a bad mood?!
AA: Master, get me sake.
AA: Sake, sake. Sake, okay?
AA: Sake, Sakay...
Kag: So sleepy...
AA: ...kay.
Kag: I wanna pee...
AA: ...kay.
Kag: Going to the bathroom...
Spirit Text R,Sign: Since alcohol is his primary sourceof energy, he's always requestingmore sake from his master.
AA: ...kay.
Shin: The 'kays were coming from you?!
Shin: That wasn't a verbal tic? It was just the ramblings of a drunkard?!
Kag: Hey, somebody in there? Tell me...
AA: ...kay.
Kag: What the heck? There's no response...
AA: ...kay.
Shin: Oh, I forgot about Gin-san.
Spirit Text L,Sign: Guardian Spirit TP Knight
Voice: Guardian Spirit TP Knight.
Why are you a spirit now?!
Spirit Text R,Sign: The ill-will over a lack of TP andnobody bringing it to him brings this spirit of Sakata Gintoki to life every morning.
Shin: You turn into a spirit over no paper? You do this crap every morning?!
Spirit Text R,Sign: While wandering to Matsu**to Kiyoshi fortoilet paper, it also walks Sadaharu ashis makeshift guardian spirit.
Shin: You were the one walking Sadaharu?!
AA: Take care of him.
Shin: My ass! You guys are totally useless!
Sign: Kabuki District Sports Meet
Oto: Thank you all for taking time out of your busy schedules to be here today.
Sign: Kabuki District Sports Meet
Gin: Jeez, why do old men and cabaret girls have to race one another?
Shin: Old men and cabaret girls would be one thing...
Shin: But all I'm seeing is a great underworld w*r!
TBC,Sign: To Be Continued
Title: Guardian Spirits Are Alsoa Part of the Soul
Shin: You know, this isn't even the right season for a sports meet!
TextR: Taking part in a big sports meet
TextL: while listening to Jingle Bells has its own charm.
TextR: But what becomes of Pachi-boy's glasses,
TextL: which have turned into something quite bizarre?