13x01 - To Bob, or Not to Bob

[bunniefuu]

LINDA: Aw, poor Tan In Real Life.

- I really thought they'd make it.
- LOUISE: They flew too close

- to the artificial sun.
- I never even did

the free tanning session
that they offered me.

Maybe don't make this about you, Dad.

- Sorry.
- Think if I run out there,

they'll give me some of the lotions?

My calves are parched.

Oh, and can you also ask for that cutout

of the tan man in his
swimsuit? No reason.

- Guys, no.
- Aw, now that space

is just gonna sit empty again.

Hey, remember how a
long time ago we said

maybe we'd expand into
that space someday?

If we got real busy? Remember that, Bob?

Yeah, I don't think we knew
how, um, hard it would be

to be a restaurant that gets busy.

There was that guy
who came in yesterday.

It's probably good that
we never tried to expand.

I mean, I think this was the first month

we paid rent on time in years.

Look at us. Big sh*ts.

Oh, hey, Tina, it's the
first Friday of the month,

so you know what that means:
it's time to sharpen the knives.

- Yay.
- Or how about me?

Please? I will sharpen the
heck out of those knives.

No, Louise. You're-you're
not old enough yet.

- Y-You can do it in a couple years.
- Years?

You need more hand strength
to get the angles right.

Your hands are a little small.

It could turn out really badly

and I just couldn't live with myself.

I'll be, oh, so careful.
I won't get hurt.

Oh, no, I was worried about the knives.

But, uh, it'd be sad if something
happened to you, too, Louise.

- (GROANS)
- I'm happy with my restaurant chores.

I enjoy fluffing the napkins
even though no one asks me to

and it's "not hygienic."

- Gene, I've told you to stop that.
- We get a lot of compliments.

BOB: There you go.

Oh, when you do it just right, Tina,

you can get your Kn*fe
sharp enough to cut a tomato

just by being near it.

I mean, not really,
but it feels that way.

Ah.

Uh, what the... ?

Come to me, babies.

KNIVES: Yay!

- My queen.
- (BELLS JINGLE)

- Burger Belchers.
- Oh, hi, Mr. Fischoeder.

Uh, we're caught up on
rent. Just a reminder.

Oh, I know, Bob. That was quite a shock.

But that's not why I'm here.

I'm here because I have a
little proposition for you.

- Want to buy Gene? Three bucks.
- Hey.

- Five bucks.
- Yeah.

Actually, this proposal involves Felix.

- And a betrayal.
- Eh, you lost me at Felix,

but you got me back with betrayal.

You see, many years ago, my father,

the real estate magnate and
entrepreneur that he was,

won the Best Businessing
of the Bay Award,

and he received a trophy which featured

a very sensual gold-plated lion

with his claw on a stack of money.

- Classy.
- I loved that trophy,

and Papa knew it, and so he
gave it to me on his deathbed.

Felix, consumed by jealousy,
insisted that he was

giving it to me to hold while he d*ed,

but I know he was giving it to
me to keep while he was dead.

Then, ten years ago,
I'm pretty damn sure

Felix stole it from me
in the dark of night.

- (THUNDER CRASHES)
- (TITTERS)

So what does this have to do with...

- Please, Bob, do not interrupt.
- Okay.

And so, every year on the date
of the trophy's disappearance,

which happens to be three days from now,

I do something to try to get Felix

to tell me where the damn thing is.

I've tried hypnosis,
I've tried spanking,

I laced his food with
LSD, but that little twerp

won't even admit he stole it.

And that's where you all come in.

- Want me to rough him up?
- Yes, actually.

But not physically. Psychologically.

You see, I recently
accidentally attended

a performance of the play Hamlet.

- Wait, accidentally?
- Yes, I thought it was a burlesque show

called Ham Legs that I'd been to before.

- Yum.
- Ah, you've seen it, too.

And though I found the lack
of ham and legs disappointing,

I did enjoy the part where
they used a play within a play

to get whoever it was
to admit to k*lling,

uh, whoever the other guy was.

That's what Hamlet's about?

I thought it was about Romeo and Juliet.

And also, there was a ghost.

Anyway, that gave me the idea
to use the empty storefront

next door to put on my
own version of Hamlet,

about Felix stealing the trophy.

Felix has always been deeply
affected by live theater.

After he saw Phantom of the Opera,

he couldn't stop dropping
chandeliers on me.

So I think this may be my ticket
to getting the trophy back.

And I need you to be my actors.

I don't want to use real actors,

because they just talk
about acting all the time

and their hair product is
almost always too pungent.

- I want to do a play.
- Of course you do.

Oh, and I'll need a director, too.

I'll be focused on Felix
during the performance.

- And also drinking.
- I'll be the director.

I want to yell, "Make
me feel something."

Uh, I-I don't know.

I mean, we're kind of
occupied here, where we work.

Yes, I see. What if I pay you

in the form of you not
paying me rent next month?

Mm, give us the space next
door to expand the restaurant.

- What? No.
- For, like, a month or something.

- See how it goes.
- All right, it's a deal.

- No. I mean, no, thanks.
- (GROANS)

Come on, Bob. Don't you
want to be a business lion?

Like my dear old papa?

I mean, I-I am kind of
already a business lion.

I-I have a restaurant.

(CHUCKLING): Yes, you do. Yes, you do.

Uh, but it's so small and so slow.

That's more like a business snail.

It is a little slimy in
here. This part is, anyway.

- I'm not sure what that is.
- Ew.

Well, I guess I'm off
to hire actual actors.

I'll go looking for people
holding eight-by-ten photographs

of themselves down by the docks.

Bob, are you sure you don't
want to do Mr. Fischoeder's thing

-and expand next door? I thought...
-Yes. I mean, no.

- I mean, yes.
- That's my confident boy.

(SHOUTS) Uh, hey, Louise.

What are you doing?

Oh, just watching you brush your teeth

with your big, Kn*fe-sharpening mitts.

But don't worry, I won't switch
our hands while you're asleep.

Then why did you ask me if
I knew someone who could do

"a Face/Off, but for hands"?

(CHUCKLES) Wait, do you know someone?

Nah, but I'm making some calls.

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Just gonna go to sleep now.

(WHISPERS): Sleep with one hand open.

(TINA GROANS)

(BOB GRUNTING)

(SHOUTS) Ghost!

Oh, uh, am I, am I dreaming?

Seems like I am.

Y-You want me to come with you?

Um, okay.

You don't talk, or... Whoa!

(GRUNTS) Oh, now we're down here?

Wait, is this because
of the Hamlet ghost stuff

from earlier? Did someone m*rder you?

- No.
- Oh, you do talk?

Shush. I'm going to show you

who's been murdering your business.

- Behold.
- Oh, I get it.

Like, it's me because I
said I didn't want to expand.

Well, if the boo fits.

- (CHUCKLES) Sorry, I love ghost puns.
- That's funny.

So, you're saying I should've
said yes to Fischoeder's offer?

I don't know, ghost.
Uh, I'll think about it?

I mean, I guess I am thinking about it

since this is, you know, my dream.

Okay, but Hamlet thought
about stuff too much,

and then that led to
a whole thing, I think.

- I'm not a big reader.
- (CHUCKLES): Oh, me, neither.

Look, I have to go now,
Bob, but remember, avenge me.

- Wait, why?
- Sorry, I think it's a Hamlet thing.

You say it when you exit.

- Okay.
- Avenge me.

Yep.

(GASPS, SIGHS)

(SNORING)

(BOB GROANING)

Huh, lot of groans today, Bob.

- Groan Crawford over here.
- (FISCHOEDER HUMMING)

- Mm, uh, wait. Mr. Fischoeder!
- Uh-oh, why is Dad running?

Dad, no, don't run.
You could go into shock.

Mr. Fischoeder, wait.

What is it, Bob? I don't
have any spare change.

Um, We'll do it.

The-the, the play. Um, and
the extra restaurant space.

Goody. 'Cause I couldn't
find any actors yesterday.

They must have all made it big.

(GASPS) Kids, did you hear
that? We're doing the play.

Encore! Right?

Okay, at this point,
you've all had a chance

to read my script entitled
"Hamlet: But Good This Time."

Yep, loved it. Lot of fun typos.

- It said Queef instead of Queen.
- That wasn't a typo.

Anyway, we need to
perform it tomorrow night

on the anniversary of the theft.

So that gives us what I assume
is the normal amount of time

to put on a play... one day.

Uh-huh, sure, I think
they did Les Mis in a day.

Lin, I-I don't think that's true.

Well, I'm gonna have to
drive you guys pretty hard.

- A-one, two, three, four.
- What did you...

- Why are you counting, Lin?
- Five, six, seven

- and eight, one.
- Linda, stop.

Bob, I thought you could
play the ghost of my papa

since you remind me of him.

I mean, sort of. Papa was
more, I don't know, symmetrical.

- Okay.
- And this one can play the character

that represents me,
Calvinicus Fischoederton,

- because she's the tallest child.
- Yep.

Louise, it's true. But only
if you actually measure us.

And the middle-sized one can
play my buxom German maid Inga,

but in the play she's
called Inga-phelia.

I feel you.

And the tiny one can play Felixicus.

Not tiny, thank you.

And only if Felixicus
can have a lot of knives.

No, no, no, no, no. That
wouldn't be accurate.

Felix isn't allowed to have knives

- or sugar after : p.m.
- (LOUISE GROANS)

I myself won't be acting.

No, I'll be staring meaningfully
at my brother during the play,

waiting for his full confession.

Like this.

Fun. All right.

Everyone up on your feet.
We will start by loosening up

and doing some acting exercises.

Pretend you're an actor. Go.

Lin, we have to open the
restaurant in minutes.

All right, you're loosened
up. Let's rehearse.

LINDA: Okay, in this scene,

it's nighttime, and
Calvinicus is asleep.

Tina, that's you, with
the super cute eye patch

I made last night, so, uh,
lay down on those chairs.

(GRUNTS) Sorry, without my
glasses and with the eye patch,

I'm kind of blind.

I loved it. I fall
out of bed all the time

from drinking too much limoncello.

Tina, put your glasses on over
the patch. It'll be a fun look.

Now, it says here, "Enter the
ghost of Papa Fischoederton."

Bob, that's you. You
want to say your line?

Come, my largest and best son,

and I will show you a hideous crime.

Bob, can you say that
more ghostly, maybe?

- Little more ghostly.
- Right. Uh...

- Come...
- No... No.

No, I was wrong. Do it the first way.

Back to... Okay.

All right, so, Bob, you
make a pointy gesture

- towards Louise.
- So, point?

Give it some flair. Don't just point.

Yeah, Bob, give it some flair.

Behold, my smaller, yucky child.

He will commit an abomination.

Now, Louise, you come in and
steal the trophy off the mantel.

- Yep, got it.
- Ooh, Good prop.

Thank you.

And, Gene, this is your big line
as the German maid.

(GERMAN ACCENT): Oh, hello, Felixicus.

What is under your jacket?

Some chocolates? Give me yum-yum.

Okay, now everyone freezes.
And, Bob, you step into the spotlight

for your ghostly monologue.

Calvinicus, this very night...

- Ooh, Bob. Not like that.
- Oh.

Okay, we should go open the restaurant.

Are you happy with it, Mr. Fischoeder?

It's really getting there, huh?

Well, I was asleep during the last part,

but I assume it was what it was.

LINDA: ♪ Putting on a play ♪

♪ Having a really great day. ♪

Linda's in a good mood, huh?

Yeah, we're doing a very weird
play thing for Mr. Fischoeder.

A play? Oh, wow. Can I come?

- Uh...
- Of course you can come, Teddy.

It's tomorrow night, next door.

And did Bob tell you the big news?

We're going to expand
into the space next door.

Oh, wow. That is big news.

Which side should I go to?
Do you think I'd fit in over there?

I-I don't know what the vibe is.

Oh, we're gonna be Bob's still,
but bigger. Like Bob's Biggers.

And Bob's gonna do all
his fancy restaurant ideas.

He's got a million of them.

- Like lights. Sauces.
- Ah. Oh.

- Meat that's not round.
- Ooh.

I mean, we haven't
figured it out yet, at all.

Ooh, we might even get one
of those Michelin tires.

- You mean stars?
- Yeah, those, too.

GHOST: Boo.

Oh, you're-you're back.

It's like I'm haunting
you. Is that a good pun?

I-I don't, I don't think
so, because, you know,

you are literally haunting me.

Maybe it works on a lot of levels?

No, just the one, I
think. Or zero... Whoa!

Whoa, i-is this us expanded
into the space next door?

Yes, and you got a really
good deal on lighting.

Look at those fixtures. Look at them.

Yeah. Oh, uh, I look pretty good, too.

And we all look weirdly
good at our jobs?

And Gene's wearing that.
Uh, o-okay, th-that's fine.

I guess expanding was a good idea, huh?

VOICE: But what about me?

- Who-who said that?
- Me said that.

Hey, dream me, uh,

y-you need to flip
that burger right now.

GHOST: He can't hear you. I guess
this Bob isn't as focused on burgers.

BURGER: All those years together, Bob.

Don't you love me anymore?

I-I do love you, but businesses

are supposed to get bigger, I think.

I mean, I didn't go to business school,

but I bet they have exams
where they ask questions

like, "Should you grow a business?"

And I'm pretty sure the answer is yes.

BURGER: Oh, ouch. I'm burning.

I'm burning. Help me, Bob. (SCREAMS)

(SHOUTS) I-I need to do something.

Wh-Where... Where's my spatula?

Burger, no. I thought you
said the restaurant thing

was a good idea, and now
you're saying it's not?

GHOST: Uh, can't talk. Uh, fading.

Wait, wait, don't go. Should
I expand the restaurant or not?

Avenge me.

Okay, so you're not telling me. Great.

- GHOST: And fade.
- (GASPS)

- What is it? What is it?
- I-I just had a bad dream.

Um, or-or a good one? I-I can't tell.

Was it the dream about the soccer ball

with penises all over it?

What? No, I-I've never had that dream.

Oh, I have it all the time.

Too many penises on that thing, right?

Get some sleep, Bob. We
got a big day tomorrow.

Gonna do a play and then all
our dreams are gonna come true.

- (YAWNS): All our dreams.
- Right, right. Our dreams.

- Hey, uh, Linda?
- (SNORING)

Yep, okay, you're asleep.

Oh, penis basketball?

All right, have a seat
my little Meryl Streeps.

I put some hot water
with lemon and honey out

with your breakfast to protect
your voices for tonight.

I'll just take a cup of honey, honey.

Louise, why are you
wearing Tina's eye patch?

Oh, you know, I was thinking
maybe Tina and I should

switch roles, in the play
and also in real life.

- And I sharpen the knives.
- No. No switching roles.

Everyone barely knows
their lines as it is.

Mother, that's not fair.
We don't know them at all.

Eh, that's true.

You all got to read from
the scripts onstage, I guess.

But make it seem like it
was an edgy choice we made

- as a theater company, okay?
- TINA: Okay.

Hey, sleepyhead. You want some eggies?

No, actually, I'm just gonna head down

and get some cleaning
done, since we also have

to do a whole play later.

And, you know, I'll start making a list

of some stuff we need for
the expansion, I guess.

Which I know we're both
really excited about.

Uh-oh, kids, I think
your dad's nervous to act.

I-I'm not nervous to act.
I act. I am a man of action.

It's just, this is a big deal.

We're making, like, a
huge, life-changing decision

without really thinking about it at all.

Uh, I meant act, like
acting onstage, Bob.

Oh. Yeah, no. I...
That's what I meant, too.

I-I'll... I'll see you
all in a little while.

Oh, let's do some vocal warm-ups.

Follow me... Matthew Perry's brother Gary

k*lled and ate a pink canary.

ALL: Matthew Perry's brother
Gary k*lled and ate...

You aren't worried about this
whole expansion thing, right?

I-I won't let you burn.

(HIGH-PITCHED): I'm not worried
if you're not worried, Bob.

Are you worried?

(LAUGHS): No. No, not at all.

'Cause, you know,
it's-it's gonna be great.

It's gonna be great.

It's gonna be great.

(LAUGHS): It's gonna be the best.

(HIGH-PITCHED): Okay,
you keep saying that.

How could you know that?

You're a different burger
than the one before.

- We all have the same soul, dum-dum.
- Seriously?

Just kidding. I was
over there. I overheard.

Well, I... Like I said,
it's gonna be great.

Whatever you say.

Good turnout, Mr. Fischoeder.
People love the arts.

Nah, I told my tenants
if they didn't come

- I'd cancel their leases.
- Oh.

Ah, and there's Felix. He
has no idea what's coming.

Calvin, I'm here, and
I know what's coming.

- Damn it.
- And it's not gonna work.

I don't know what you're
talking about, dear brother.

Oh, please, you try this every year.

Some plot to get me to
confess to taking Papa's award.

But it's not gonna work
because I didn't take his award.

This play is in no way
related to that topic.

It's just a fun play I wrote. Enjoy.

- I will.
- Good.

- Good.
-Good. - Good.

(CHUCKLES) I already like this.

Well, Bob, big night for you, huh?

Tonight your restaurant becomes a man.

And you become a business lion.

Yeah, that's, uh...

That's good. I-I'm supposed
to want that, right?

Of course you want that. Every
businessperson wants that.

Probably see some results
in the bedroom, too.

Should we do the
traditional preshow headbutt?

- Your head, my butt?
- I don't want to do that.

- Preshow pat on the back?
- Um, okay.

Ow! Um, thank you. That-that helped.

(GERMAN ACCENT): ♪ Oh, I'm
the housekeeper Inga-phelia ♪

♪ And I have a tale to tell you ♪

♪ Please sit back and hear me sing-a ♪

♪ Of deceit and betraying-a ♪

♪ Ooh, boo-bah-dee-boo
bah-dee-boo-bah-dee-boo. ♪

- Our father hath d*ed.
- He hath. 'Tis a bummer.

And I know he asked
you to hold yon trophy

as he was deceasing, but
now we shall share it.

Nonsense thou speakst.

'Tis mine. Farewell.

A pox upon you! It
shall be mine someday.

Because I am a grubby
little spoiled rat.

Hiss.

I hath come to take my father's trophy.

I don't deserve it, but then again,

this is exactly what a
rotten turd like me would do.

- Here we go.
- I have made my choice.

I have set upon my path
and I can't look back now.

I will no longer be just the smaller,

weaker, dumber brother
with bad fashion sense

and an unfortunate chin.

Here it comes. Here it comes.

LOUISE: The tiny little man who cannot

even come close to my big brother

who is smart and strong

and so good at business like his daddy.

I have got him now.

I can't take it anymore!

I don't want to expand the restaurant!

- What? What's happening?
- No!

Small one, go on. Do your line.

- We've almost got him.
- Fine, and I want to sharpen

the knives even though I'm small.

- That's not the line.
- Sorry, Linda.

I don't want to expand the restaurant.

I'm friends with that actor.

What are you doing, Bob?

You weren't supposed to
blurt out some secret truth.

Felix was supposed to
blurt out secret truths.

You ruined it.

See? Now, that's
how you point with flair.

I knew it. Like I'd ever
confess to taking the trophy.

'Cause I totally didn't
do it. 'Cause why would I?

I don't even care at all!
Just 'cause Daddy thought

you were better than me, and
'cause you're bigger than me

and think you're so great.

I am bigger and I am great.

And you are a trophy-stealing
boy-shaped man.

(BOTH BLOW RASPBERRIES)

- Oh, boy.
- FELIX: Well, if you're so great, Calvin,

how come you never figured out
where I stashed the trophy, huh?

- Aha!
- Oops, well, it's not in the swan pond,

so don't look there.

Gotcha! To the swan pond.

Oh, sh**t and ladders.

- (PANTING): Stop.
- (LAUGHING)

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Well, uh...

and everybody lived happily ever after.

Huh. The end.

Garbage!

Hi, Edith.

Lin, I'm sorry for ruining the play.

I-I guess I am scared to act.

I'm not a business lion.

I-I know you wanted to
expand the restaurant

like we always said we
would a long time ago, but...

What? No. I don't care about that.

What do you mean? You seemed
so excited about expanding.

You were in such a good mood.

I was only excited because
I thought you were excited.

And because I got to direct a hit play.

Take that, Steven Spielberg.

Uh, I don't think he directs plays.

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is

I already love what our restaurant is,

and I feel like I have everything I want

- and I don't need more.
- Aw.

Except money. We-we

- could use a little more money.
- Yeah.

Hey. Sorry I've been so
weird about the knives thing.

- I was a little jealous.
- I know.

But I do not want to end
up like the Fischoeders.

Me, neither. Although, I
wouldn't mind a swan pond.

But just so you know, I think Dad
should let you sharpen the knives.

I really hate doing it.

It feels judgy towards the knives.

Like, maybe they're
comfortable being dull?

I know the play is over, but I'm
keeping these bazongas forever.

A boobity-boobity-boo.

- (BOB CHUCKLES)
- Aw, my pretty little booby boy.

I'm telling you, Linda,
best play I've ever seen.

In a store, with not actors,

written by a guy who, you know,
doesn't care about structure.

- Thanks, Teddy.
- (GENE HUMS FANFARE)

Father, we present to you
the first-ever tomato trophy

for Best Dad Who is Also
Pretty Good at Business.

Congrats.

Wow. Is that, is that supposed to be me?

- Yeah.
- Red and lumpy.

And moldy near the stem.

Thank you. I-I love it.

And I cut the mustache into it.

That's really impressive.
It's hard to carve a tomato.

(CHANTING): Unless the
knives are really sharp.

'Cause I know how to do that
now 'cause Tina showed me how.

Secretly behind your back.

(CHANTS): And I hope that is okay.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Relax, Dad. Most of the knives are fine

if you don't look at them too closely.

- Oh, my knives.
- They are sharp.

But some of them in
places you wouldn't expect.

(BOB WHIMPERS)

And I don't think I do need stitches.

And I don't need them, either.

Aw. I'm gonna put this tomato
right here on the shelf.

What sweet kids we have. Family hug.

Ooh, I want in.

- Coming over the counter.
- Teddy, no.

- Just stay there. We'll come to you.
- Teddy, you're gonna

- fall. Oh, oh, Teddy, Teddy!
- (SHOUTS)

♪ Avenge me, avenge me,
it's so fun to revenge me ♪

♪ Yeah, Hamlet, Macbeth, I bet
they both had creepy deaths ♪

♪ But we didn't read the play,
so we just have to guess ♪

♪ When that one guy poured
poison in the other guy's ear ♪

♪ It got everyone in
Denmark shaking their rear ♪

♪ Avenge me, avenge me,
it's so fun to revenge me. ♪

GHOST: Ooh, avenge me, Bob.

- Yeah, Bob, avenge me, too.
- Okay.

- Dad, avenge me. - You got it.
- No, avenge me, Dad.

- I wouldn't mind being avenged.
- BOB: I'll avenge you all.