03x01 - Call Me Ken Jennings

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my gosh.

First class is so nice.

I totally understand all
the rich people in Titanic now.

Can I interest you
in a glass of champagne?

- Oh, um, how much?
- They're complimentary.

Shut. Up.

Mm. Hello.

Hi.

Oh, wow.

I would take Minor Celebrities
for $ , Ken. (LAUGHING)

Get it? It's a Jeopardy! joke.

What is "not the
first time I've heard it."

(LAUGHS)

That's why you're my favorite host.

I mean, what else am I gonna say?

It's my first time in first class.

I got upgraded 'cause
I racked up a buttload of miles

traveling around the world
for the past four months.

I'm gonna need another one of these.

My tale begins in Madagascar.

And keep them coming.

Did you know that Madagascar is
the original home of the lemur?

I did know that.
Of course, I kind of know everything.

(LAUGHING)

It's gonna be such a fun
hours together.

I just got back from this
amazing journey of self-discovery.

Discovery number one... I will
never be a professional zip liner.

Am I supposed to be doing something?

Should I pedal?

Can I switch to tequila?

Whoa, get out your cell phones, folks.

Mr. Jeopardy is going
for the "Potent Potables."

(LAUGHING)

Okay, so next I spent some time
at an ashram in India.

And I discovered that the answer
to all of my problems is acceptance.

You know, I used to try
and control everything,

but now I'm at peace, you know,
I just go with the flow.

I even got a tattoo.

It's in Sanskrit. It says "acceptance."

That says "garden salad."

What?

Oh.

Well, I guess I'll just
have to accept it.

(CHUCKLES) And that's how I'm gonna face

every single moment of every day
for the rest of my life.

Seriously? Garden salad?

You know, I was really hoping
to sleep on this flight.

(LAUGHING): Yeah, me too, Ken.

I'm just too excited to get back
to my cat café and see my friends.

They don't even know I'm coming home.

In fact, I've got this
crazy surprise planned.

What other kind would you have?

You seem stressed, Ken.
Do you want to know my mantra?

I'm not supposed to tell anyone, but I

can't resist 'cause
you're kind of famous.

It goes, "Om... shanti, shanti, shanti."

You want to give it a try?

I have my own mantra.

It goes, "I'm...
gonna look for a seat in coach."

How crazy was that chemistry?

I'll make my move in baggage claim.

♪ ♪

Mmm. Look at all that sweetness.

I can't wait to get my hands
on those honey buns.

Do you not see that
I'm at work right now?

I meant the bear claw.

Don't be so thirsty.

But I could use
minutes alone with you.

I can't. The : a.m.
Pilates class just ended,

and all of these Ashleys are two
minutes from turning into Karens.

Come on, babe. Look, I know
managing this place is a big job,

but we haven't been
on a real date in weeks.

Can you two lovebirds move it along?

This place is backing up worse than Mama
at the cheese festival.

Ooh, that's a big one.

You sound like Mama two days
after the cheese festival.

Oh, you can just put that
over there. I'm a little busy.

I've heard that before.

I feel you, box. The nights are cold.

This seemed like such
a good idea on the plane.

Of course, so did
trying to kiss Ken Jennings.

What'd you order?

I didn't order anything.
I thought you did.

I found a box like that
in the woods once.

Full of ' s p*rn.

I didn't put it in there.

I wonder what it is.

(QUIETLY):
I know how to find out. Open it.

Ooh, it's really heavy.

It has to be like , pounds.

Seriously?

All right, enough of this.

What the hell?

Uh-oh. p*rn box ain't never did that.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Surprise.

Geez, how many rings are you
wearing? What are you? Tom Brady?

You don't surprise a girl from Detroit.
You're lucky to be alive.

I just want y'all to know

I screamed like that to be funny.

Wow. Look how different this place is.

Yeah, yeah, we made a lot of changes.

Hopefully good ones.

I learned on my travels
that nothing is good or bad.

It just is.

Well, I'm so glad to hear you say that,

because this is a juice bar now.

Yeah, yeah, loving it.

Uh... so quick question.
Why is it a juice bar?

Okay, hear me out. I noticed that

on this street there's a SoulCycle,

a gym and a yoga studio.

And I noticed if I agree with Randi,

she's nicer to me.

So I thought, "Why don't we
cater to their customers?"

Yeah, that's-that's good.

Well, not good, but not bad.

It just is. It really is.

Well, I-I named a lot of the smoothies.

You should try
the Banana-Lama-Ding-Dong.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, definitely.

So, um... where are the cats?

I told you she'd notice.

Look, cats just don't make
sense for this business.

But it's a cat café.

Yeah, but then we thought...
Get ready, this is exciting...

What if it wasn't?

And don't worry, they all went
to really good homes.

But I always thought the cats
were kind of the reason

people came here to hang out.

Exactly.
They would just sit there and pet them

and not buy anything.

We like to get people in and out.

That's why we shut off the Wi-Fi.

Oh.

I don't need people taking up our

tables writing their damn screenplays.

It's gonna be so dope.

It's like Minions but they're orange.

W-What about all our regular customers?

Like the sweater bro? Toothpick girl?

That guy with all the Band-Aids?

Randi, my usual.

Hello, Mother.

Katharine! Oh, this is so great.

I had no idea you were coming back.

- Obviously, you ate well.
- Oh.

Missed you, too.

We were just showing Kat
the changes we made while she was gone.

Aren't they wonderful?

I used to come here out of pity for you,

but now I actually like it.

♪ ♪

Darren, what do you think of this?

♪ You ripped through my heart
like a tornado ♪

Whoa, I'm feeling things.

I just need something
that rhymes with "tornado."

Lemonade, yo.

That guy is a poet.
I am totally stealing that.

Hey.

Oh, my God! This is a surprise.

Whoa, so is this getup.

(LAUGHS) Nice hat.

Oh, you mean Louise?
I picked her up in Nashville.

Yeah, maybe she should've been
a one-night stand.

- How was your trip?
- Oh, it was so great.

Travel is the best therapy.

You learn... Oh, really?

You're just gonna play
while I'm talking? Okay.

Sorry. I guess I left Nashville,
but Nashville won't leave me.

I had that with
a stomach bug in Morocco.

Kind of the same thing but on a bus.

How was your summer?

The best. Music City was life-changing.

I wrote a ton of new songs.
I even sold one.

You sold a song? That's amazing.

Ah, please, it's not that big a deal.

Just to Kacey.

- Kacey...?
- Musgraves.

Yeah, I just call her Kacey.
She's so great. (CHUCKLES)

- Yeah, I love her...
- She's just a person though, right?

Just-just a famous person. Who I know.

Did you see what Randi and Phil
did to the café?

- Yeah, I like it.
- Really?

- What do you like about it?
- I don't know.

It's got a good energy. Okay,
what do you think about this?

♪ You ripped through my heart
like a tornado ♪

♪ But now I'm drowning my sorrows ♪

♪ With a hard lemonade, yo ♪

I like it. It's got a good energy.

That's the hard part.

That, and making all the words rhyme.

Anyway, we should catch up soon.

Oh, okay. You're working.

It's not work if you love it.

But, yeah, you should go.

Right. Going.

(MAX PLAYING PIANO)

Is it me or did I bathe
in the river of light and compassion

while everyone here
turned into total jackasses?

Here you go, two Kowabunga Kiwis,

made with Phil's special nut milk.

I squeezed the nuts myself.

So you, uh, like all the changes?

I do, I do.

We went from blueberry muffins
to stud muffins.

What about those ladies
who used to come in here for book club?

Do they still do that?

Randi tossed them out.

She's like the preacher from Footloose,

but instead of dancing,
she thinks the devil's work is sitting.

Hey, hey, would you like to try
a sh*t of wheatgrass?

Oh, sure.

Mm-mm.

Oh, if grass could vomit,
this is what it would taste like.

And we grow it in the backyard for free.

I am two summers away
from buying a damn boat.

Hey, babe, how about some breakfast?

You know I don't have time to go out.

Well, I do know that, which is
why I brought it with me.

Is there a burrito in this bag
or am I just happy to see you?

I don't think you understand that joke.

Don't I?

No, you really don't. (CHUCKLES)

Anyway, I'm busy.

No, Randi, go eat.

I can handle the blender.

I've been making my mother
margaritas since I was nine.

Okay, five minutes.

Baby, you know five minutes
is all I ever need.

Hi, welcome to Kat's Cat Café.

Oh... Sorry. Just Kat's Café.

No cats. Well, one Kat.

Me. Yeow. (LAUGHS)

That would've k*lled with the book club.

We'll have two extra large
Glutes and Guavas, please.

Got it.

You sure you don't want to try
a Flaxseed Capacitor?

(LAUGHING) I just made that up.

It's from Back to the Future.

It's a movie.

About a time machine,
which I would like to use

to go back to the beginning
of this conversation.

Okay, two Glutes and Guavas,
coming right up.

All right, let's get the, uh...

juice base.

That's how it works.

And can't forget the guava. (CHUCKLES)

Can you add some flavonoids?

Yeah, I'll give you some
Flava-flavonoids.

"Yeah, boi!"

(LAUGHING)

Yeah, boi!

♪ ♪

Damn, slow down. Did those tacos
say something about your mama?

You know I don't like leaving
somebody else in charge.

- Kat is the owner, so...
- Mmm.

Okay, baby, you got to breathe
in between bites.

This was so nice of you.

Thank you. Give me a kiss.

- Mwah.
- Okay, yeah.

Wow, I feel like I got
a little baby bird action

- on that one.
- Mm. Mmm.

Look, I'm so proud of
what you did with the café,

but I never see you anymore.

Well, I'm running a business.
That's like , hours a day.

I run my own business, too.

And I'm the general manager
of the Indiana Pacers on NBA K.

But I still find time for my girlfriend.

Oh, baby, come on,
you know I don't mean...

Randi, Kat is having some
kind of allergic reaction

to the guava juice.

Her face is swelling up like a pumpkin

and it's time for my break, so...

- Okay, I got to go.
- Wh... I got to go, too.

I got to see if I can trade
Tyrese Haliburton to the Celtics.

♪ ♪

Okay, you just tell Kacey
I got a k*ller idea.

You know how everybody
does Christmas songs?

One word... Fourth of July.

Yes, I know it's three words,

but it's one star-spangled good idea.

(LAUGHING) All righty.

You just tell her I called.

Howdy, Kat.

Howdy, pardner. You
want I should fix you a drink?

Maybe you'd like a sarsapari-lee?

Am I doing it again?

It's just when I talk
to people in the industry,

I pick up the accent.

It's this dadgum musical ear.

Whoa, why are you limping, Woody?

Is there a snake in your boot?

Kacey gave me these.

As a gift. To a friend.

From a famous friend.

Who doesn't know her friend's shoe size.

He's acting so weird.

Success went to his head,
and his head went straight up his ass.

And what an ass.

Excuse me.

Why do we have a cat tree?

I told you she'd notice.

Oh, that.

Yeah, I just thought it would be nice.

You know, in case any
weary cats happen to wander by,

they have a nice place to relax.

And why would any cats
be just wandering by?

Oh, I don't know. Um...

Maybe someone has cat treats.

Aw!

- (LAUGHING)
- (MEOWING)

Yeah.

Would you look at that.

Are you serious?

Oh, it feels so much
happier in here already.

No, no. The cats freak out
when we run the blenders.

It's true. That poor man with
the toupee was not amused.

Huh.

Here's an idea that I just thought of.

Maybe we don't need the blenders.

So, what?

You just want to change back
everything I did?

Oh, don't think of it as changing back.

Think of it as-as changing
forward the long way around.

No, Phil and I worked our asses off

to make this business work
while you were off sightseeing.

Hey, I wasn't sightseeing.

I was on a journey of self-discovery.

(CHUCKLING):
I can't help if that happened

at some very Instagrammable places.

Randi's right, we worked our tails off.

- Phil.
- But you're the boss,

so whatever makes you happy.

- Phil!
- Uh...

Oh, I hate it when
Mommy and Mommy fight.

Randi, I designed this place

for people to come together
and hang out.

There was a real sense of community.

Yeah, well, now there's
a real sense of making money.

I saved this place.

Saved it? (CHUCKLING): I mean...

I think you ruined it!

Well, let me fix it then.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- I've been

on Team Kat from the beginning.

♪ ♪

I need two small
Peanut Butter Power Blasters.

On it.

I need a large Get Up and ManGo.

Okay, I'm working as fast as I can.

I'm just one optimistic human woman.

And where is that large
Pecs and Pomegranate?

Om, shanti, shanti, shanti.

Giddyup, Kat.

We're in pretty deep "shanti" here.

Does anyone else think this
place has gone downhill lately?

Preach!

Where's Randi?

She got in a tussle with Gandhi here.

Well, I need my green juice.

You know what?

No more green juice, no more smoothies.

We have coffee,
cats and a ding-dang sense of community.

Now, who wants to join a book club?!

Did you fire Randi? (SCOFFS)

She's your best employee.

And really, like a daughter to me.

Another daughter.

Sure.

I didn't fire Randi.

She left because I didn't love

every single thing
that she did to my café.

Oh, that poor girl.

You don't know how hard it is to be a

young woman running
a business these days.

Are you serious right now?!

I'm just saying, Randi did a great job

and you know you can
sometimes be difficult.

Like when?

Day one.

You came out of the womb sideways.

And I can't prove it,
but I think you bit me.

Mother, that's ridiculous.

Yeah, I bit her.

♪ ♪

And then Kat said I ruined the business.

Me. Do you think I ruined the business?

Baby, you...

I was k*lling myself
to keep that place open

while she was off
for four months riding elephants

like some damn Kardashian.

You get what I'm saying, don't you?

- I think that...
- And everything I did

to that place made it better, right?

So you're just gonna sit there
and not say nothing?!

(BOOTS SQUEAKING)

Um... did you just shower in your boots?

I thought if I got them wet
they might stretch a little.

Dude, water makes leather shrink.

Well, I know that now!

♪ ♪

♪ Families come from all around ♪

♪ To watch the fireworks ♪

Okay.

♪ Fireworks ♪

♪ Evil lurks ♪

♪ Bunch of jerks ♪

♪ Booty twerks ♪

Eh, twerks for me.

Max? What are you doing up here?

Oh, hey.

I've been coming up here
for a quiet place to write.

I used to do it at the café,
but now that Randi took over

it's gotten so busy... How are you?

I'm great. I'm great. Remember?
I'm all about acceptance now.

Yeah, yeah. How's that working out?

Well, I came up here
to scream into the void,

so draw your own conclusions.

(CHUCKLING)

Randi and I got in a fight.

Yeah, she's been talking to your
mom about it on the phone all day.

You know,

I guess I thought
I could just be this new person

and go with the flow, but...

obviously, I haven't really changed.

For what it's worth,
the only one who thought

you needed to be different was you.

Personally, I like the Kat
who cares about things.

Thanks.

No, I mean it.

We all know how much
the café means to you.

I put my heart and soul into that place.

I think that's why Randi
worked so hard to save it.

Yeah.

I'll let you get back to your writing.

Eh, please don't.

There's a reason nobody does
Fourth of July songs.

I got an entire verse just listing
what meats are on the grill.

And nothing rhymes with kielbasa.

(CHUCKLES) I thought Kacey
was waiting on this song?

Eh, not exactly.

She's not returning my calls.

And I'm getting the sense
that I'm annoying her assistant.

Why's that?

He said, "You're annoying me."

(SIGHS) The truth is,

in Nashville there's a thousand
people like me writing songs.

But everyone's younger, more connected,

- had boots that fit.
- (KAT LAUGHS)

I guess this summer didn't turn out
the way either of us was hoping.

Yeah, I guess not.

But at least I didn't piss off Randi.

At least I can take off my shoes.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(SIGHS) God, I missed you.

I missed you too, Max.

All right, jet lag.
I'm gonna hit the hay.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Hey, Kat?

Yeah?

Please carry me down the stairs.

- Here, are you okay?
- It hurts.

- I know.
- (GRUNTS)

♪ ♪

Hey, looking good.

Guess someone had Carter's
Banana-Lama-Ding-Dong this morning.

Who let you in here?

Oh, well, it turns out, I've
been a member since .

(CHUCKLING): I really have to
check my credit card statements.

Um, can we talk?

Um, okay, okay. Well, I...

I know you're mad,

but I just want to tell you that, um...

you've done a...

really amazing job at-at the café.

Well, you have a funny way
of showing it.

(EXHALES) Thank God you stopped.
I didn't know a lake could be uphill.

Look.

I was so upset about all the
things that were gone that...

I couldn't see all
the great things that you added.

Tell me more about how great I am.

Well...

You're definitely better
at making money than I am.

But maybe I'm a little better
at being nice to people.

That's 'cause people are stupid.

You know, Randi,
I came back from this trip

as a person trying to accept things.

I think what I really
need to accept is...

...I need your help.

So you want me to work for you again?

No.

I want you to be my partner.

Really?

Yes.

Like fifty-fifty?

Ish.

Well, if I had a partner,
I would have more time with Carter.

I do miss him.

And if you tell him that,
you will taste the rings again.

So?

So what about the cats?

Oh, I spoke to them.

They're cool with you.

♪ ♪

- (GRUNTING)
- You're doing great.

Just focus on your breathing.

Just get them off me!

Does anyone have ice chips?

I don't want ice!

Oh, for me. My chardonnay is warm.

All right, all right, easy does it.

I can see some ankle.

Okay, just one more pull.

(ALL GRUNTING)

Oh! Oh, thank God.

How do they look?

Well...

Oh, damn, dude, those toes are...

("BACK AGAIN" BY L.O.U.D. PLAYING)

♪ It's a new day, it's a new b*at ♪

♪ Got some new tricks up my new sleeve ♪

♪ Got a new lease on a new life ♪

♪ Got a fresh start and it feels
right, it's a new dawn ♪

♪ When the b*at drops,
yeah, it feels like ♪

♪ Uh-huh, we're winning ♪

♪ We're just beginning ♪

♪ Oh, can you feel it, feel it? ♪

♪ Back again ♪