02x01 - Spies

[bunniefuu]

BOTH: Welcome to Woodstone B and B.

(FLOOR CREAKING)

Babe?

(YELLING)

Jay? Jay?

That not good.

SAMANTHA: Hey,
sweetie, how are you feeling?

I'm okay, it's just that I really

hit my head hard, though. Ouch.

Do you think I can see 'em?

- See who?
- The ghosts.

I mean, when you hit your head,
you could see ghosts.

Are there any ghosts in here right now?

No.

Okay, well, that's probably
why I'm not seeing any.

So far, so good.

The dream is still alive.
I'm gonna go check downstairs.

You should just
stay here, get some rest.

Yeah, you're right. (DOORBELL RINGS)

Thanks, babe. Love you.

Love you.

(DOOR OPENS, SHUTS)

Flower?

Hey, Thor?

Isaac? No Pants?

Oh, my God.

Pete.

Jay. You can see me?!

Gadzooks! Jay can see us!

I don't believe it. (STAMMERS)

Bring it in, big fella.

No, no, no. (GROANS)

(LAUGHS)

What is happening?

Hey, where's your arrow?

Jay, why are you hugging
the delivery guy?

Huh?

Damn it.

♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SAMANTHA CLEARS THROAT)

As you all know, our first guests...

Not including the ones that left

after the floor collapsed...
Will be arriving at any moment.

Please be young and hot.

And we really need
this visit to go well.

After the floor thing, the last
people gave us a scathing

one-star review on Yelp.

Which is a website where
customers can rate and review

businesses like our B and B.

The fates of industry
should not be decided

by commoners.

Sometimes you bite into a sausage
and you get a worker's thumb.

Get on with your miserable day
and let the factory owners be.

The point is, we need everyone
on their best behavior.

Yeah, and that means
no ghost powers. Okay?

Thorfinn, no futzing
with the electricity.

(GRUNTS) And, guys,

let's just stay out of their room. Okay?

It's not a peep show.

Yeah, I'm looking at you, No Pants.

- No, you're not, sweetie.
- Damn it.

It's cute how bad he wants it.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, come on.

Why do you care if we go
in the guests' rooms?

They won't know.

Yeah, we've been spying on Livings

for hundreds of years.

Until TV it was our only form
of entertainment.

FLOWER: Yeah, honestly, Sam,

if we can't spy, why are we even
opening this B and B?

Uh, to earn money so we can eat.

Oh, someone can consume food.
Must be nice.

And I'm like, that ain't a
ruler, it's a bracelet, bro.

(LAUGHS) Yes.

Oh, hey, Nigel. What are y'all watching?

A historical program entitled
How About Those ' s.

(LAUGHS) Show's so fun,

doesn't even feel like learning.

MAN (ON TV):
How do I get myself an intern?

Well, it's getting late.

What? Oh, no, but we're still

at nineteen hundred and ninety-four.

We don't even know if that O.J. fellow
tracks down the real K*llers.

Isaac, feel free to call
on me at the shed. Adieu.

How about those ' s, huh? (LAUGHS)

Is it just me, or does he
seem rather uncomfortable

hanging out here at the mansion?
I must say,

he did seem in quite a hurry to leave.

Yes, I wonder if something's wrong.

Well, have you talked to him about it?

(SCOFFS) No.

(CHUCKLES) That sounds like
an unpleasant conversation.

Indeed. Avoid relationship
conflict at all costs.

- Yes.
- Bottle it up.

Allow the resentment to fester

until the hatred becomes so ever-present

you must turn to the sweet, sweet milk

of mother morphine to numb the pain.

Yeah, a short conversation
couldn't hurt.

TREVOR: Damn, did you
get a new perfume, Sam?

It is working, girl.

It was my late mother's.

I only have a little bit left,
so I use it sparingly

whenever I want to feel her
watch over me.

Thank you for the verbal cold shower.

Sam, they're here.

- They're here!
- Okay.

(DOORBELL RINGS) Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome to the Woodstone B and B.

Oh, hi there.

Gosh, this is beautiful.

It's like I've d*ed and gone to heaven.

Oh, if only it were that simple.

I'm Debbie, and this is my husband Tom.

Short for Thomas,
like the English muffins.

No relation. (BOTH LAUGH)

These two are brutal.

(LAUGHING): English muffins.

Well, I'm Sam, and
this is my husband Jay.

And these are your
signature welcome cocktails.

- TOM: Thank you very much.
- Mm-hmm.

Wow, that hits the spot.

- Very nice.
- Mmm. Yummy.

(LAUGHS) Bingo. Mm-hmm.

Well, I think you'll find
that is just one of the many

special touches that
sets Woodstone apart

from the B and B herd.

- Oof.
- Yeah, that was hard to watch.

- I'll just, uh, show you to your rooms.
- Okay. Thank you.

- Okay. Yep.
- Enjoy your stay.

- Thanks a lot.
- Right this way.

DEBBIE: Okay, right behind you.

Well, they seem happy. Lame but happy.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah,
I think that went really well.

I'm not so sure, Sam.

Let me tell you something
about your polite

Midwesterners there.

They can be very tricky.

And this is years in the
travel agency game talking.

What are you talking about?

They loved the house.

- They loved the cocktails.
- But did they?

They left them barely
touched right there.

That's true. Not even a second sip.

This type of customer,
they're all smiles,

but you never know what
they're really thinking.

So you're saying they kvell to your face

but kvetch behind your back?

Possibly. Based on
context clues, I think so.

And I know, 'cause I was
the one they would complain to.

I mean, you should have seen
the angry faxes I would get.

"Hecks" and "darns"
flying all over the place.

JAY: Babe, great news.

They love the room.

But do they, Sam?

Do they?

ISAAC: What do you say
we head up to the mansion?

There's just not much to do here.

Not much to do? Hello?

Have you not experienced
the drama of the ants?

Now, those boys have pep.

Yep, certainly can't deny the pep.

And yet, at the mansion,
we have the added benefit

of watching television

and not being watched
by your former lover.

Just pretend I'm not even here.

Okay, it's just...

Nigel, do you have a problem
with where I live?

What? No. I love the mansion.

If I were forced to pick nits,

your friend Thorfinn can be a bit much.

Oh. Oh, this is about Thorfinn.

It's just, the yelling
and the jocularity.

And he m*rder stories
and the endless cod anecdotes.

Yes, no, I get it.
I get it, trust me. (LAUGHS)

You know what I'll do?
I'll just ask him, um,

to rein in his energy a bit.
I'm sure he'll understand.

(SIGHS)

Oh, God, I was so nervous
to bring this up,

but I'm so glad that I did.

As am I.

You know, I think we work
very well together.

(SCOFFS) Heard that before.

Thank you.

SAMANTHA: I found Tom
and Debbie's Yelp profile.

Geez, look at these reviews.
These people are vicious.

"The only thing worse
than the day-old bread

"at Linda's Shrimp Shack
was the foul smell

coming from the kitchen.
Steer clear. One star."

It's weird. They seem so nice.

Pete says it's common.
He dealt with this

all the time back when travel agents

- were still a thing.
- Hurtful.

Okay, well, there's
a couple good ones in here.

So I guess we just got to do our best

and then we try to get one of those.

There is one other possibility.

We spy on them.

Not for our entertainment
but to help you guys.

See what they're really saying
behind closed doors.

And doing behind closed doors.

- They're like .
- I'm very bored.

SAMANTHA: I know
we were against it before,

- but it's not the worst idea.
- What's happening?

The ghosts are saying
they could spy on the guests.

JAY: No.

But if Tom and Debbie have complaints,

then we can find out and course-correct

while they're still here.

It's so creepy,

not to mention totally unethical.

Typically, I'd agree, but
when you're dealing with

two-faced Duluthers,
you do what you gotta.

Jay, think about it.

People could think that
our one bad review was a fluke,

but two bad reviews? Our only reviews?

Would you stay at that B and B?

We're not gonna have two bad reviews.

We're gonna crush this,
without creepy ghost spying.

No offense. Okay?

Okay, you're right.

Thank you.

So you want to go with our thing?

Oh, hell yes.

Yes! (LAUGHTER)

Thor? Thor, remember when Nigel was over

and we were watching that
television show earlier,

How About Those ' s?

(LAUGHS) Yes! Most interesting decade.

Probably best ' s since s,
though s were pretty wild.

Yes. Anyway, um, you were kind
of, like, doing this thing

where you were talking over
people and hitting people

and just being very boisterous.

And it was just a little bit much.

And, um, I was just
wondering if maybe you could

tone it down a little?

Where is all this coming from?

Isaac and Thor always watch TV together.

Never complain before.

W-Well, if you must know,
it's coming from Nigel.

And I would push back,
it's just that it's

so new, and I do enjoy his company.

I see. So... Isaac embarrassed of Thor.

No, I'm just simply saying
that when Nigel's around,

maybe you're around less.

So mere presence of Thor is problem.

Yes. Well put.

Fine! Thor won't be around.

Thor go where he won't be
problem for you anymore.

Where he won't be problem for anyone!

Okay, well, thank you for hearing me.

They call these sheets.

They are as thin as that toilet paper.

Man, Debbie is really chafed
about that toilet paper.

Literally. (LAUGHS)

Knock, knock. Room service.

Hey.

Jay's homemade cookies.

So, how are you settling in?

Everything okay with the room?

Oh, everything's perfect.

- Could not be better.
- Yes.

Lies.

Thin sheets, hard towels, cheap TP.

Debbie's really chafed
about it. (LAUGHS)

Sam hadn't heard it yet.

You know, are those our summer sheets?

Would you mind if I changed them
for something a little more plush?

- Oh, no, no, no.
- Oh, no.

These are fine.

He said he'd rather sleep
on his boat tarp, Sam.

No, I insist. Let me change them.

I slept on a boat tarp once

with several members of Fleetwood Mac.

Little uncomfortable
but super easy cleanup.

NANCY: Hey, guys.

Oh, it's upstairs. How lovely.

Listen, you guys got to do
something about your boy Thor.

He's totally depressed and he's
bumming out the whole basement.

And we like to keep it light down there.

Wait, what's Thor doing in the basement?

He moved down there, after
Pantaloons here told him to get lost

because his British boy toy
doesn't want Thor around.

Isaac, is that so?
Is it telling the truth?

No, I-I merely suggested
he tone down his energy a bit.

I suppose, upon exit,

he did cryptically promise
he'd not be around anymore,

but I just thought
that was his Viking temper.

Isaac, go apologize to Thor.

No.

No.

I don't even know what
this thing is with Nigel yet,

but whatever it is, I don't want
to ruin it before it starts.

So I'm sorry that Thor is unhappy,

but when is it my chance
to be happy? Hmm?

When is it old Higgintoot's turn?

Oh, God.

(EXHALES)

Thank you for coming.

You're welcome.

Leave.

Okay. Oh.

JAY: What'd they think
of the cookies, huh?

They said they loved them.

Yes. Mwah. See? I told you
we'd crush it.

Bad news, Sam. They hated the cookies.

Oh, although I tried one myself

and I had some thoughts.

Tom didn't like the salt on top.

I wasn't sure about the salt on top.

But other than that, seriously,
babe, the cookies were perfect.

Debbie's saying there's
too many chocolate chips.

Although maybe there were
too many chocolate chips,

now that I reflect upon it further.

(CHUCKLES) What's going on?

You always loved my
chocolate chip cookies.

Okay, I hadn't wanted
to hurt your feelings,

but Tom and Debbie actually
did say something to me.

What? Really?

It was very out of character,
but it's growth for them, which is good.

Okay, well, I'm just gonna talk to them.

Wait, what? No-no. Why?

What is going on?

Hmm? First they love the cookies,

now they don't, and now you
don't want me to talk to them?

Oh, boy. He's putting it together.

Oh, my God, you did have the ghosts spy.

- Busted.
- Just a little bit.

Unbelievable.

Not a great turn of events for Sam,
but Jay's one hell of a gumshoe.

Okay, yes, I should have told you.
But honestly, it's working.

I am able to respond in real
time to their every need.

- What did I miss?
- Jay figured it out.

- Ooh, exciting. Which one's Jay?
- SAMANTHA: I get it.

It's hard to hear criticism.

But honestly, if Tom and Debbie
thought that I was

doing something wrong,
I would love to know about it.

So we should tell her
what Debbie said about her.

- Trevor, shh!
- Wait, what?

We didn't want to say anything.

We know you're not the
best at taking criticism.

- I can handle it.
- JAY: Oh.

Do the ghosts have some opportunities
for you to improve?

Debbie thinks you're too chatty.

Too chatty? That is...

...very useful criticism.

Thank you for letting me know.

I will strive to improve
that area of my personality

during the remainder of their visit.

Seems like she could've said
that in a lot less words.

Well, I am ready
to strap on the old feedbag.

(LAUGHS) Something smells delicious.

Oh, I believe that is Jay's famous duck.

But before the main event,
your farm-to-table dinner starts with

a wide assortment of taste delights

from across the Hudson.
Keep it brief, motormouth.

- I'll get your salads.
- TOM: Oh.

(SMALL CHUCKLE)

- Odd woman.
- Agreed.

TV ANNOUNCER: The year was ,

and the Spice Girls were everywhere.

This new fab five burst onto the scene

with their message of female empowerment

and, above all, loyalty to your friends.

- Hmm.
- ♪ If you wanna be my lover... ♪

Loyalty to friends.

I guess the ' s were a different time.

♪ Friendship never ends...

Damn these English bards.

Catchy.

♪ Taking is too easy,
but that's the... ♪

Okay, so apparently
they're loving your bread rolls,

but they think that I slouch
and do other stuff wrong.

Hi, couple more action items.

Uh, they do not like the
playlist, they think you hover,

your voice is too high, and the pattern

in your grandmother's butter
dish is satanic.

And now they hate my playlist,
they think that I tend to hover,

that my voice is too high, and
apparently that the pattern

on my grandmother's
butter dish is satanic.

JAY: I hate these people.

Ugh... I better get back out there.

Oh, I don't like the look of this fork.

- It's dingy, like the house.
- Yeah, look at this.

Here are your salads.

- Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.

- Yummy.
- I'm gonna switch out the butter dish,

- 'cause why not, right? (LAUGHS)
- Okay.

Is it too bright in here?

No, not at all... Thank you. Thank you.

Hmm. That's better.

You're hovering, and somehow
your voice has gotten even higher.

(DEEP VOICE): I'll let
you enjoy your salads.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

(SNORING)

Is he...

Asleep? Yeah.

The floor's pretty uneven,
so we tend to sleep standing up.

Like livestock. You'll get used
to it after a few decades.

NIGEL: Why on earth have you
dragged us down to this miserable pit?

Because I have something to say to Thor,

and I need you to hear it. Thor?

Isaac.

I'm sorry.

You are a good friend,
and I have treated you poorly,

and I would like you
to come back upstairs.

You... truly mean this?

Thor not annoying?

Well, those are two
different questions, but yes.

No, I mean it.
And, Nigel, I care about you.

But something I learned today
is that if you want to be

my special companion, you got
to get with my Viking friend.

- Oh.
- NIGEL: I see.

I didn't realize
how much he meant to you.

Yes. Neither did I.

Thorfinn, forgive me.

Perhaps I judged you too hastily.

Is okay. Thorfinn acquired taste,

like sour ram's testicle.

God knows I'm not everyone's cup of tea.

I like sitting in a dirty shed
watching ants all day.

THORFINN: Wait. You like watching ants?

Thor loves watching ants, too!

Basement ants best ants.

Come. Yes.

Oh! Now, these boys have gumption.

(LAUGHS) Thor and Nigel bonding.

NIGEL: You and Isaac should
come to the shed to watch our ants.

ISAAC: Oh, good, back to the shed.

Jay, how are we coming with that duck?

Did you change your sweater?

Oh, yeah, apparently
Debbie thought I was looking

- a little washed out.
- (CHUCKLES) Okay, here's a thought.

Tom and Debbie suck.

- I agree with that.
- Jay.

I am sick of sitting here
and listening to them criticize

- the best person that I know.
- Aw.

Sam, I think they're
crazy with this one,

- but they hate your perfume.
- JAY: What's wrong?

They don't like my perfume.

The perfume your mom gave you?

Yeah, it's okay.
It's a little old-fashioned.

Nope. Uh-uh.

Uh, Jay?

Ooh, it's on.

DEBBIE: Oh, a visit from the chef.

TOM: Ah, is it time for our duck?

Oh, if you think you're getting
even a nibble of my duck,

you are sorely mistaken.

Look, it's one thing to complain
about cookies and candles,

but the fact that you could
find anything bad to say

about my wonderful wife

is bonkers.

Yeah, she's a little talkative,

but I love every word.

She's kind and she's smart.

And her voice is mellifluous.

And she's got a great ass.

And I know no one's debating
that, but I'm on a roll.

And you know what else?

Jay's cookies aren't too
salty, they're amazing.

And he's got a great ass.

And you might not be able
to see it in these pants,

but if you put him in, like, a soft jean

or maybe a chino, your jaw would drop.

Well, this is not gonna
make for a good Yelp review,

- but God bless these crazy kids.
- TOM: Wait.

How do you know we said any of that?

Um, thin walls.

Very thin.

What... You've been eavesdropping on us.

Why?

Because we're trying to start a business

and we read all your
vicious Yelp reviews,

and we were just trying to do
something to make you happy.

What do you mean you read
our Yelp reviews? (CHUCKLES)

- Those reviews are anonymous.
- That's right.

No, we can see your names and pictures.

- Uh, no.
- No, no, no, no.

No, that is what we see on our computer.

Right.

No, I can show you.

- Okay. Yeah.
- Well, we'll look.

(GASPS) This is not good.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
We went after everyone.

They're all there.

Oh, no, we tore apart
your sister's Shrimp Shack.

DEBBIE: This is a
nightmare. We have to move.

TOM: Oh. Oh, no.

Wh-Where are you going, Tom?

To unplug my laptop, Debbie.

We got to get those reviews off-line.

Well, I don't think that's
how it works, Tom. Tom!

PETE: Yelp reviews may not be
anonymous, but you know what is?

Conversations with your
trusted travel agent.

Unless you tell me you m*rder*d
someone. Or stole a robe.

JAY: Oh, babe.

Tom and Debbie left us a Yelp review.

Oh, I'm so nervous.

"There may be nicer places to stay

and softer sheets to lay upon..."

Let it go, Debbie.

"... but the proprietors

"of the charming Woodstone B and B

really care about their guests."

Oh. "Sam and Jay not only
anticipated our every need"

"but alerted us to the tragic
hacking of our Yelp account,

"which led to the besmirching
of some of our

"favorite institutions,
including the delicious

and normal-smelling
Linda's Shrimp Shack."

What is hacking?

It means someone broke
into their account,

but Tom and Debbie are lying.

They're just doing damage control.

Babe, they left us five stars!

(CHEERING)

"And this is our vow
to you, people of Yelp,

we will not rest until we find
the real hackers."

Oh, like O.J. with the
real K*llers. (LAUGHS)

I bet he found them.

That fellow seemed very determined.

Well, seems like it all worked out.

Yeah, but I don't want
this to be an endorsement

for you to keep using
these ghosts behind my back.

It is the last time
I do that, I promise.

Good.

Unless, like,
it's something really important, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- What's that?

Oh, I said "mmm."