21x02 - Bend or Blockbuster

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those ♪
♪ Good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man ♪
♪ Who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

"Hey, guys, home with groceries.

Could use a hand unloading."

And send.

Now I wait for them to come out
to help their dear old mom.

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- PETER: Do it yourself!

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

Hi, sad lady.

Junior, our dinner talk stays inside.

Hi, normal lady.

What are you guys doing? It's Sunday.

I thought husbands had to watch
football all day or they get cancer.

Today's our family fun day.

That's right, a whole day
dedicated to family and fun,

ending in the bedroom
with what I hope will be

some back-end participation.

- Hmm?
- Mm-mm.

(DISAPPOINTED GROAN)

(STEWIE SNORING)

(LOIS GRUNTS)
I am so tired of this family

just sitting around and doing nothing.

The Browns are outside having
fun while we're in here loafing around

like a bunch of stupid potatoes.

Mom, I've been anonymously
cyberbullied for a decade.

"Stupid potato" doesn't even
leave a mark.

We need to spend some quality
time together like the Browns.

So we're doing a family fun day.

Oh, family-free fun day sounds great.

No, family fun day.

Yeah, family-free fun day.

No, Peter. Family. Fun. Day.

(PHONE RINGS)

PETER: Yeah, I'm already
at The Clam. Have fun.

All right, nothing's more fun
than a family card game.

Now, the game is euchre.

"Begin by separating the nines,
tens, face cards and aces

"from the rest of the deck.

"The goal is to win at least
three 'tricks.'

"Now, if the side that fixed
the Tr*mp fails

"to get three tricks,
it is said to be 'euchred.'

"The highest Tr*mp is the jack
of the Tr*mp suit,

"called the 'right bower.'

"Partnership-making Tr*mp wins
three or four tricks

"and earns one point.

"Lone hand wins three or four tricks,

"also earns one point.

"However, a lone hand wins five tricks,

"that's worth four points.

Many euchre games are scored
by rubber points, as in whist."

Ooh, ooh. "The first side
to win two games"

- "wins the rubber."
- (g*nsh*t, THUD)

"The dealer has the right to exchange

any turned-up card..."

Oh, my God, it's the same.

"If the face-up card is a jack,

- "it's considered bad luck for..."
- (g*nsh*t, THUD)

"After two rounds, if no
Tr*mp suit has been declared

"and the 'stick-the-dealer' rule
is not in effect,

then the cards are collected
and reshuffled."

ANNOUNCER: Family Guy is
brought to you by contract bridge.

Way simpler than euchre.

You see, in contract bridge,
each player is dealt cards

from a standard -card deck.

A trick starts when a player leads,

i.e. plays the first card.

The leader to the first trick
is determined by the auction.

So, what do you think, g*ng?

I thought it could be
a fun family activity

if we had a make-your-own-pizza night.

Or we could order Domino's.

No, come on, this'll be fun.

Everyone gets their own crust,

and you can choose from any
of the items I put out, huh?

It could be olives, it could be peppers.

And for the risk takers, I even
put out some pineapple.

You can put anything you want
on your pizza.

Yeah, I'm putting a Domino's
pizza on my pizza.

ANNOUNCER: Domino's... we're both
terrible and better than your pizza.

Ah, this is nice, huh?

Oh, it's so good to get the whole family

out of the house and see Quahog
from a different perspective.

It's a little tight.

(HEAT JET WHOOSHES)

So, how'd you get
into hot-air ballooning?

They don't do background checks.

Oh. What are we flying over now?

My ex-wife's house.

If you have any garbage
or little bags of cat poo,

you can drop them now.

Did you know restraining orders
only go side to side?

They don't go up and down.

Well, there's got to be
one thing we can all

enjoy together as a family.

You know, I think we're trying too hard.

When I was a kid we did movie nights,

and it was the Holy Grail of family fun.

- I'd watch a movie
- I'd watch a p*rn movie.

No, a family movie.

I'd watch a MILF p*rn movie.

Okay, technically
that's accurate, but no p*rn.

All right, let's fire up
Amazon or Netflix.

No streaming services.
They've ruined how we watch movies.

I'm talking about
an old-school movie night

where we rent one from Blockbuster.

Some of my best
childhood memories were when

I went to rent a video with my dad.

Him and I never really got along,

but the one place where we did
was Blockbuster.

He'd let me pick out any snack I wanted

while he grabbed our fifth-choice movie

because we got there too late
to get the good ones.

But that was part of it,
because it wasn't about the movie,

it was about the night
you spent together.

I think renting a movie's a great idea.

Let's do it.

So it's settled.

The Griffins are making it
a Blockbuster night.

When we get there,
I'll give you bucks to say,

"I've heard Magic Mike is good."

Huh. This used to be the Blockbuster.

Oh, man, it's gone.

Were you also looking for...

Very tall prost*tute, yes.

Is that what you were going to say?

She used to hang out here...
Hands like a palm leaf.

She would do sex but also help
with light bulbs and stuff.

I think her name was Phillip.

I see some of my students in your car.

That's good for me.

I'm sure there's one still open.
I'll just google it.

Eh, I got to type in my code
'cause I got too fat

- for the facial recognition to work.
- Brutal.

Oh, good. See? There is one still open.

GPS VOICE: Drive north
for a quarter of a mile,

then turn left onto Highway .

Continue straight for , miles.

- What?!
- Oh, yeah.

The last Blockbuster in existence
is in Bend, Oregon.

Did I not say that? Strap in, everybody,

the Griffins are going on a road trip.

Well, it looks like the family Griffin

is headed off down Holiday Road.

And Lindsey Buckingham has said no.

Well, that's all right.

I reckon, if you're a man named Lindsey,

you don't get to call
the sh*ts very often.

Peter, this is crazy.

We can't drive , miles
just to rent a movie.

Would you please turn around?

Lois, the whole family fun thing
was your idea.

Don't get mad at me
'cause I'm following through.

But I only have one pair of underwear.

Oh, that's not a problem. I got tons of
women's underwear in the back.

(CHUCKLES): Why, why do you have that?

Tons of it.

Don't we have a say in all this, Dad?

Yeah, we don't want to drive
all the way to Oregon.

Aw, it's gonna be fun, guys.

We're gonna see the whole country,
like we're in one of those

Bruce Springsteen Jeep commercials.

SPRINGSTEEN: America
is made up of a lot of states.

Some of them really stink,
but some of them don't stink.

- (ALARMED MOOING)
- So buy a Jeep.

They flip easy, but you'll be okay.

Probably be okay.

One of the perks of a cross-country trip

is stopping for a meal
and meeting the friendly folks

who make up the heart and soul
of our country.

Hello, we're from the Northeast.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay, then.

(WHISPERING):
We'll do pancakes to go.

(SQUAWKING): Tr*mp!

- Tr*mp!
- Tr*mp!

- Tr*mp.
- Tr*mp.

- Tr*mp!
- Tr*mp!

- Tr*mp! Tr*mp!
- Tr*mp!

- Tr*mp!
- Tr*mp!

- Tr*mp!
- Tr*mp!

(OVERLAPPING SQUAWKING)

- Tr*mp!
- Tr*mp!

(SQUAWKING CONTINUES)

(SIGHS) I'm not getting any service.

- Where are we?
- Hey, I don't know.

But we can figure it out
by which radio stations come in.

(STATIC)

MAN (ON RADIO): You're
listening to G-U-N-S AM radio.

All g*ns all the time.

- Is the caller there?
- (THREE RAPID g*nshots)

Ha, ha, I couldn't agree more.

Sounds like we're somewhere
between Washington and Washington.

Well, we got to almost be there, right?

A few more hours.
Trust me, it'll all be worth it

once we walk into that store.

Plus, I'll be able to finally return
this copy of Ladyhawke.

You remembered to rewind that, right?

(ALL SCREAMING)

♪ ♪

(REWINDING NOISE)

♪ ♪

You know what I'm thinking, Peter?

Instead of going to Blockbuster,
we drive right into

the first pond we see.

It'll be a quicker death than this trip.

Guys, look.

Ah! Oh, my God, it's real.

We made it.

Well, I suppose I should be
the responsible one

and release all the car farts.

(FLATULENCE)

You're free now. Go.

(FLATULENCE)

I said go!

(FLATULENCE)

(SOBBING)

Here it is, guys.

This is where kids would come
every Friday night

and see their teacher wearing jeans.

Dad, who's Christian Slater?

Some actors never made it
out of Blockbuster, Chris.

(INSECTS TRILLING)

Sliver. Fun movie.

Yeah, it's Sharon Stone, so it's nudity
moms will put up with.

Hmm, it looks like you have
a late fee for Ladyhawke.

Ah, no problem. How much is it?

$ , .

Look, uh, we traveled
a really long way to get here,

and I kind of promised
my family a movie night.

Oh. Then the plot just got interesting.

Where are you on your journey?

About the end of act two?

I read a lot of screenplay books.

There's got to be some way
we can work this out.

Sorry, but we're pretty strict
about our late fees.

We kind of blew up our
whole company for 'em.

So, no money, no rental.

Uh, $ , , you say?

I don't have that on my person.

♪ Hands ♪

♪ Touching hands ♪

♪ Reaching out ♪

♪ Touching me ♪

♪ Touching you. ♪

Ah, here it comes. All together now...

- Drive, Lois, drive!
- (TURNS RADIO OFF)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Nothing worse than a case
of Neil Diamond blue balls. Am I right?

Peter, just pull over.

We can talk to them and figure this out.

No. A high-speed chase is preferred

- over small talk with an employee. Aah!
- (g*nsh*t)

I hear Magic Mike is good.

Way too late, dude.

- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- (g*nshots)

I can lose these guys.

Chris, pour me out a handful
of those Runts.

How's eating candy gonna help us?

Runts are the hardest candy
in the world.

They're not for eating,
they're for hucking.

- (BOTH CRY OUT)
- (TIRES SCREECH)

Meg, there's a stack of posters
in the back.

We can throw 'em out the car
and blind 'em.

Just run the posters by me first.

- Judge Dredd?
- Nah, keep that one.

I want to put it in the basement.

- Cool World?
- Keep.

- Milk Money?
- Uh, keep.

These are all terrible movies.
Just throw one out.

You know, that movie still holds up.

It didn't hold up then.

(BOTH CRYING OUT)

(SIGHS) It worked. We lost them.

Yes! No one ruins
a Griffin family fun day.

Who wants a turnaround high five?

Dad, watch the road!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(GASPS) Is everyone okay?

I swallowed my retainer,

but I'll do a little
stool fishing later.

- (ENGINE NOT TURNING OVER)
- (g*nshots)

Oh, they're still after us.
We got to run.

(SHOTGUNS PUMP)

Give up. We got you. It's over.

Well, actually it's not.

I think this might be
the "all is lost" moment.

- What?
- You know, it seems over

because there's an
insurmountable obstacle

in their way, but instead of giving up,
they double down.

- Lois, we got to jump.
- See?

The fall will k*ll us.

I've seen Rambo jump from higher.

I think if we jump
it'll cut to that scene.

Peter, that's crazy.

Do you trust me?

- No!
- (GRUNTS)

♪ ♪

(BRANCHES SNAPPING)

Oh, what the hell?

(GRIFFINS GRUNTING)

♪ ♪

(BRANCHES SNAPPING)

(ALL GRUNTING)

- I told you.
- I know.

Peter Griffin, PhD. Petty, heavy dope.

Wow, she really had that
locked and loaded.

This is crazy.
Those guys are trying to k*ll us

because of a late movie.

We should just call the police.

Oh, look who's already walking back

their "Defund the Police" stance.

Little different when it's real life

and not trying to impress
Alyssa Milano on Twitter. Hmm?

Oh, this is not good.
It's gonna get dark soon.

- We need a plan.
- Don't worry.

We can hike back to the car
and call for help from the road.

We're gonna get through this.

Now, before we head off,
I'm gonna divvy out our rations.

I'll start with this pack of Starbursts.

There's pink for you,
orange for you, red for me,

yellow for you, pink for you,
red for me...

You keep giving yourself all the reds.

It's just completely random.
I'm just going in order.

I can't help where I'm standing.

Okay, where was I? Yellow for Chris,

- red for me...
- You did it again.

Okay, y-you know, I tried being fair,

but now I'm just gonna
lick all the reds.

Now they have to be mine.
Next food... Spree.

Green for you, orange for you,
red for me!

I think we're lost.

We're gonna die out here.

Guys, we can't give up now.

We can and I shall.

I'm gonna close my eyes
and go to my happy place,

being screamed at by children
while playing Fortnite.

No, your mom's a whore.

Wait, guys, look.

I think I see a cabin.

It is a cabin. We're saved.

You can't say that word, Brayden.

None of you can say that word.

(DOOR CREAKS)

Look, there's a radio. We can...

Watch Sliver on that VCR.

What? No. We need to call for help.

We can do both.

I am not gonna give up
on this movie night

like we gave up on our marriage.

Four therapy sessions is enough
to know where it's headed.

There's a map on the wall
with government buildings

connected by strings.

Look, I know this hasn't been
the easiest couple of days, guys,

but it'll all be worth it
once I put this tape in.

I present to you Sliver.

And it's Sliders, season two.

Classic Blockbuster blunder.

Oh, good. You numbskulls put
the wrong movie in here.

I want a refund.

Everybody outside now.

I can't believe this.

All I was trying to do was
have a nice movie night

with my family, and you guys
keep ruining it.

Wow, this is very similar
to a screenplay I wrote.

This guy is too into movies.

Remember, the one I had you read

that was like Love Actually
meets Independence Day?

Uh, yeah, sure, I remember.

- You didn't read it?
- I'm gonna.

Don't be mad at me.
Be mad at, you know, these guys.

I'm sorry, kids, all I wanted to do

was something special with you guys.

That one thing you'd remember
doing with me

for the rest of your lives,
but I failed.

Another failure in
a long string of failures.

Are you kidding, Dad?

This has been the
most exciting day ever.

It has?

Yeah. We left the house
three days ago to rent a movie

and now we're in the middle
of the woods in Oregon

and might get m*rder*d
by Blockbuster guys.

Like, what is this?

Yeah, we never know
what you're gonna do.

It's usually silly or dangerous,

but it's also kind of awesome.

Yeah. Remember when he had tiny arms

- for, like, three months?
- Or when he brought home that horse.

Or that falcon. Or that parrot.

Lot of illegal animals.

Or when that little guy
lived in his neck.

What the hell was that?

Every few years
he fights a giant chicken

and destroys a city.

No one's named a good thing yet.

You had a blimp with your face on it.

Your mother put me on pills
after I bought that.

You see, Dad, we don't need a
movie night for us to remember you.

Every day is like
a movie night with you.

Well, I guess Mom knew
what she was doing

when she insisted on family fun day.

Super sweet moment, guys.

I'm gonna assume this was all a callback
to something in act one.

Time to go outside now.

Guys, please, I'm the one
with the late fees.

Don't hurt my family. I'll do anything.

Well, I have this screenplay,
it-it's an epic sci-fi,

and it's mostly stage directions
where they...

Just k*ll us!

(ALL GASP)

What the hell?!

(BOTH GRUNT)

Amazon drones? You saved us.

Once again a streaming service
annihilates a Blockbuster.

Wa-boosh.

How did you even know we were here?

DRONE: Based on your recent purchases,
viewing habits and stored data,

we determined that you were being chased

through the wilderness by the last two

Blockbuster employees on Earth.

Wow. Scary.

I owe you an apology, Amazon.

You're a pretty amazing service
after all.

DRONE : Yes, I agree. Amazon
workers should not unionize.

I-I didn't... I didn't say that.

Well, they sure can play dumb
when they want to.

Please stop spying on us, Alexa.

Okay. Playing holiday music now.

♪ And since we've no place to go ♪

♪ Let it snow, let it ♪
♪ Snow, let it snow ♪

Well, that Blockbuster adventure
sure was fun,

but we should probably just watch movies
at home from now on.

You know, Dad,
while we were flying home,

I did order something special for you.

Sliver! We can still do
our old-school movie night.

I'll hook up the VCR.

Aw, damn it, we can't watch it.

I don't have the right adaptor cable.

The last Circuit City in the U.S.
is in St. Augustine, Florida.

- Let's go.
- (ALL CHEER)

PETER (OVER ECHO): I'll start the car.

(CHUCKLES) Looks like
the Griffins are at it again.

Hi, I'm Jeff Bezos,
and I'm rich and bald.

Guess which one matters. Good night.