11x06 - The Double Date

[bunniefuu]

[lounge music]

# #

[clears throat]

[ice crunching]

# #

Welcome to L'Orange.

I'll be your server, Kyle.

- Our specials tonight

- Damn it, Kyle, are you blind?

We're in the middle

of a conversation.

I'm so sorry. [sighs]

I'll come back.

Actually, I kinda wish we'd

heard the specials now. [sighs]

This is fun.

So fun, right?

[main title theme]

# #

Robert: This was a doozy

of an idea, Archer.

I just love double dates.

You're at a restaurant, Robert.

We can trade money

for food here.

Sorry about that, Gabrielle.

At his age,

Robert gets confused easily.

If it's not painfully obvious yet,

Archer is incredibly jealous

of my husband.

Oh, yeah,

I-I desperately wish

I had liver spots

and eyebrows like haystacks.

- You know what?

- Look, why don't we just

acknowledge the elephant

in the room?

That you have borderline

personality disorder

- and desperately need help?

- I was talking, Lana,

about how incredibly gorgeous

Gabrielle looks tonight.

It's like somebody stuffed

103 pounds of "ka-kow"

- into a red golf sock.

- I couldn't agree more.

- You look gorgeous, Gabrielle.

- Uh, honey, shut up.

So how did you two meet?

We met in a study

my university is conducting

for individuals

who have been in a coma.

- Catch that, Lana?

- That you have brain damage?

No, I mean the part

where Gabrielle is a scientist?

- Oh, are you in science as well?

- [laughs] That's funny.

You see, Lana's parents

desperately wanted her

to be a scientist,

but she hated them.

- And now they're dead.

- They're not dead.

How would you know?

You're not a scientist.

You know, one of my foundations

is involved in neuroscience,

and we just did a study

on memory-mapping neurons.

Oh, I just read about that!

Let me ask you, did you agree

with their findings

- on spatially tuned memory trace cells?

- Slow down.

Who am I,

Andrew Fielding Huxley?

[both laugh]

Gosh, oh, that's good.

So have we decided on a first course?

I actually need a little more time.

But, Lana, you're probably fine

with the first thing you see, right?

- [hits table]

- I'm just [groans]

going to go to the ladies' room.

Excuse me.

- Oh, I'll join you.

- [sighs] Great.

Don't take too long, or I

might fall in love with Robert.

You know how fast it can happen!

Ha, I was joking,

obviously, Robert.

The eyebrows are a deal breaker.

- Oh, this is a beautiful restaurant.

- Mm-hmm.

Robert's great.

You're so lucky.

- Uh-huh.

- So

- you know Archer from work?

- [laughs] What?

Wait a minute.

You're joking, right?

Archer didn't tell you

anything about us?

Oh, just that you work together,

that you're married to Robert,

that your jaw makes

this clicking sound

- when you chew like [clicking tongue]

- Mm.

He didn't mention that we,

uh, I don't know,

- have a child together?

- Get out of town!

You're AJ's mom?

[groans]

Robert: So how's work, Archer?

Hey, Robert,

don't take this personally,

but there's no way

I'm making small talk with you.

Just quietly stare

at a candle or something.

Hey that Gabrielle.

[wolf whistle]

We sure got a type.

Rawr!

Seeing them walk off together

now, I was just like,

"I wouldn't mind being the

cream in that double espresso!"

- [laughs]

- Hmm.

I've dabbled quite a bit in

the exotic arts, as they say.

Oh, God, please, no.

So you're telling me

you're not upset

that Archer didn't mention

that your first date

was going to include

the mother of his child?

After all he's been through,

- I'm sure it just slipped his mind.

- Or he's a lunatic.

I mean, clearly he asked

you out because

- [snorts] Well

- Well, what?

Oh, come on,

he's trying to send a message

that he found a stand-in,

you know, for, uh for this.

A stand-in?

Oh, did you go to Yale too?

No. I mean,

I'm sure I could have.

- But you have two PhDs, I bet.

- Well, no, not two.

No, I have I have

I have just the one.

Oh, I see, so you

don't mean "stand-in"

as much as you mean "upgrade."

[woman clears throat]

Excuse me.

- There! There you go!

- [gasps] What are you doing?

- Now you're all wet.

- Ugh!

Isn't that what you wanted?

And sure enough, we made love

right there in the jazz club.

And to this day,

I can't even hear

a muted trumpet

without getting erect!

[mimics trumpet fanfare]

What a great story, Robert.

I just wish it could've been

louder and grosser.

Kyle! Do us a favor and put

our food in, would ya?

- Absolutely. What would you like?

- You order for us, Kyle.

the whole nine yards.

You're trusting Kyle to pick our food?

The entirety

of his life's decisions

have led him to this job and

that haircut. No offense, Kyle.

Hey, there they are, the two

prettiest ladies in the joint.

Or more specifically,

a clear number one

and a not-as-well-read,

big-boned runner-up.

You know what?

Let me ask you a question.

What the hell are you doing?

You're supposed to be

staking out Victor Cherenenko.

Will you two be joining the table?

- No, definitely not.

- We were just leaving.

- Sure.

- Gabrielle, you could scooch in next to me.

- Ooh, who's Victor Cherenenko?

- Oh, Russian hacker,

one of Interpol's most wanted,

Gabrielle.

Huge reward out for him.

And I am the one responsible

Actually,

I'm in charge of the mission.

- How are you? Cyril Figgis.

- Calm down, Cyril.

You're getting desperation

all over my hot scientist.

I probably shouldn't be showing you this.

You look like someone

who can be trusted.

See, for years, no one has

been able to find this guy,

but recently he's been

popping his head up in public.

So as team leader,

I took it upon myself

to synthesize data from his

financial records, and ta-da.

You were able to produce that

wet diaper of a worthless dossier.

The thing says Cherenenko

- is a regular at this place, and yet

- Hey, isn't that him? Cherenenko?

Cyril: You see that, Archer?

I was right.

- He's here after all.

- I mean, it doesn't take that much

to look at a credit card statement

and see that guy comes

to a restaurant a lot

- and that

- God damn it, Archer!

Wow, this is so exciting!

So what do we do now?

- Like, go detain him?

- [laughs] Oh, man.

Guess they don't

teach you everything

- in neurobiology school.

- Well, no, obviously not.

As much as I love

taking advice on spycraft

from civilians,

you can't just go up and detain

a guy with an armed

bodyguard protecting him.

Lana's right.

Even if we took

the bodyguard out,

we'd have 50 Russian g*ons

on our doorstep

looking for blood in the morning.

Uh, yeah,

that's what I'm saying.

So the plan is, we go over

Excuse me,

I'm in charge, and as such,

I have constructed

our apprehension strategy.

Okay, we wait for him to leave,

and we tail him.

Then we find an opportunity

to separate him

from his bodyguard,

lure him somewhere quiet,

and bring him down.

I thought a classic Figgis

was when you get

your genitals caught in

the zipper of a sleeping bag.

You know very well

that wasn't user error.

There was a factory recall!

I'm going to the men's room

real quick.

Don't do anything without me.

So, Gabrielle,

how do you feel about jazz?

[urinal flushes]

- And how are you this evening, sir?

- Very well, thank you.

I actually just had a, uh,

pretty big professional victory.

- [faucet running]

- That is wonderful, sir.

Thanks. You know that feeling

when you take

a big step forward at work

and people notice?

Yes, sir.

Very magical, sir.

Oh, uh, I left my wallet in

my jacket, and I'll just

[urinal flushes]

Good call. I'm on a diet.

May I offer you a towel?

Hey, excuse me, sir

- [blow lands]

- [grunts]

[grunts]

[blow lands]

[dramatic music]

[groans]

[moaning]

Ooh, he's really giving it to her.

- [gasps]

- Malory: They're leaving.

Lana: Perfect, when they get

outside, we follow them.

Gabrielle, I'm sorry to tell you,

but you're about to dive headfirst

into a high-speed chase,

so buckle up.

Shouldn't we just

leave her here?

No, Lana,

I'm sorry you're threatened

because Gabrielle is so smart

and accomplished and

- Hot.

- Thank you, horny new guy.

We are not ditching her.

Here, put this on, Gabrielle.

I wouldn't want you to catch cold.

You should, uh,

put this on to, um,

cover up your hideous

elbows.

Ya had trouble finding

something, didn't ya?

Shut up, Lana!

[lively jazz music]

Hold on.

All right, go!

Everybody into my car.

Cyril: Good news.

The bodyguard is now locked

in a bathroom supply closet.

[sighs]

It's my mission.

Okay, so here we have

the first courses,

fried lobster in puff pastry

over four-cheese grits.

[crying]

- [engine revving]

- All right, Gabrielle,

get ready for the ride of your

[tires squealing]

[tires screeching]

- Life. [horns honking]

- Uh, what did he just say?

Life, Robert! He said life!

He was finishing a thought

from before!

- [laughs]

- Archer!

I'm sorry.

He did a "what did he just say?"

He's doing all the top ten

old-guy hits, coast-to-coast!

[jazzy music]

[horns honking]

Malory: This is what happens

when you give bicyclists

their own lane.

- What's next, a lane for vegetarians?

- Sorry, Gabrielle.

- It's usually a little chasier than this.

- Oh, no, don't apologize.

This is a great opportunity

for me to get to know

your friends just a little bit better.

All right, I'll start.

Uh, this one's for anybody.

Who's ever met

a potential love interest

over the unconscious body

of their child's father?

- Oh, my God. This again?

- This again, what?

Well, you got sh*t

by a m*rder suspect

you were supposed

to be investigating

but instead were having

sex with who, by the way,

after sh**ting you, got away!

Hey, look what we got

going on back here.

- I feel like the cream inside of an Ore

- Do not finish that sentence!

Hey, Kyle.

Would you mind parking

the dessert cart over here?

And you might want to throw

the emergency brake on,

because I have a feeling things

could go sideways pretty fast.

Actually, sir, some diners

have been complaining

that your constant crying and chewing

is bumming them out.

[whispering]

If you wouldn't mind

Oh, they didn't leave a credit card?

Jeezy Petes!

I had a serving of bone marrow,

not a g*dd*mn transplant.

[sighs] All right, I

Hey! My jacket's gone!

Listen, Kyle,

my wallet was in my jacket,

and it appears my friends

must've grabbed it.

So I'm gonna have to

[footsteps approaching]

To have someone come down

- and meet me here with a credit card.

- There you go.

Don't spray that urine

on my son's window.

If you want a dollar for doing

nothing, walk to Canada.

What are you even doing

on this mission to begin with?

Cyril needed me.

It would've looked weird

for him to be sitting

at that restaurant all alone.

- Who were you supposed to be?

- His date, obviously.

[laughter]

Excuse me,

it's not that crazy at all

that these two would be together.

Not much further apart in age

than Lana and I are.

- Self-burn.

- Plus, she's beautiful and successful.

You know who you

remind me of, Malory?

My ex-wife.

Malory reminds you of Linda?

The supermodel?

No! [chuckles]

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm talking about Zelda,

my first ex-wife.

- Linda was my third ex-wife.

- Your what?

Oh, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.

I think the phrase you're

looking for is "gulp."

[laughter]

What's wrong

with your face, Krieger?

Yeah. Did you rack your nuts

on your proton pack?

[laughs]

Oh, Mitsuko and I

got into an argument.

She said she thinks maybe her

feelings are changing about us.

Let me tell you

something everyone hears

at some point in their lives:

that anime hologram's

just not that into you.

No! It's probably

just a phase, right?

- [phone rings]

- Yello?

Pam! Listen!

[chuckles awkwardly]

I need you to come to L'Orange.

Archer stuck me with a huge tab,

then left with my coat

which had my wallet in it,

and there's a menacing busboy

who won't stop staring at me.

Pam: And you want me

to come over there

and blow a busboy so he'll

forget about your dinner tab.

What? No, come with

money to pay the tab.

- Pam: Oh. Lame.

- Okay, let me get this straight.

You've been married four times

and it never occurred to you

- to share that information with your wife?!

- It's personal, dear.

I didn't ask you how many times

you'd been married.

Zero!

I'd been married zero times!

- Well, now I see why.

- [laughs]

- Who were they?

- Linda, of course.

Then Hafsa, she was a gift

from the Saudi crown.

Would've been rude to say no.

And then Zelda.

We didn't technically divorce.

I lost her on safari.

Oh, my God, this guy's on fire.

I'm not sure if it's

a big deal, but

that guy you're following,

he just got out of that cab.

Damn it, he's getting away!

Follow him!

I can't, Mother!

What do you want me to do,

just leave the car here

in the middle of 5th Ave?

Oh, yes, big smiles.

I, too, would be excited

if I were about to overdose

somewhere in a hollowed-out

box spring.

You know, I've always

thought that busboys

were the backbone of

the restaurant industry.

- I'm a woman.

- And a beautiful one at that.

- There you are!

- Oh, you look like sh*t, dude.

- Have you been crying?

- Crying? [laughs]

- No.

- All: Yes!

- [cries]

- Okay, oh, Cyril.

Come on, let's get out of here.

- [clears throat]

- Cyril: Oh, uh, right, the tab, uh

Cyril, don't worry about the tab.

I got this.

[shouting] This waiter

just touched my breasts!

- [people gasp]

- What?

Again, I just can't put into

words how mortified I am.

Well, you should be mortified.

I know my breasts certainly are.

Right, ladies?

Hey, hot sh*t,

call me if you ever want

to have your world rocked.

- Lana: You voted libertarian?

- Robert: Sure, twice.

Hey, I know seat belts save lives,

but who is the government

to require me to wear one?

Is there anything else

you haven't told me?

- No.

- In my experience,

you have to ask

exploratory questions, like

Robert, have you

ever done anything

that you're deeply sad about?

I mean I guess if I had

to pick one thing

- oh, gosh, it'd be the dogs.

- The dogs?

I've had 11 dogs die on me.

11?!

How is that possible?

Well, you know, there's just

a huge language barrier.

[shouting] Oh, my God, what

the hell is wrong with you?!

[Southern accent]

What beautiful architecture

they have here

in New York City, New York,

where we are visiting as tourists.

[whispering] Jesus Christ,

Lana, will you quit fighting

with your husband

before you give us away?

[angry whisper] We wouldn't

be in a fight if you hadn't

set up this stupid double date

in the first place.

[loudly] Boy howdy.

I sure hope someday

we get these kind

of tall buildings back

at home in Arizona.

sh*t, he's heading to the park.

[soft dramatic music]

# #

Follow that horse!

And step on it!

[driver clicks tongue, horse whinnies]

You there, follow that cab!

- On a break.

- Let me try.

Well, I can see why they

call it a hansom cab.

You sure are

the best-looking son of a g*n

- I've seen all night.

- Oh, is that a fact?

Oh, I was talking to the horse.

- I figured he ran the business.

- [both laugh]

Gosh, oh, that's good.

[dramatic music]

Hmm, they seem to be in love.

Wonder whose still-breathing

body they met over.

Oh, my God, you are

absolutely cracked in the head.

We weren't even together when

you went into a coma, okay?

You were banging

some old broad who then,

God bless her soul, sh*t you.

Better to be sh*t

than stabbed in the back, Lana.

I'm surprised this isn't

something you've mentioned

about your time in a coma

- if it bothers you so much.

- Oh, it doesn't.

Why do you even care

that I'm with Robert?

- I don't!

- It was clear that you

- were never going to commit to me.

- You don't know that!

So if Lana hadn't met Robert

Over my still

very much alive body

with a functioning sex organ,

as I imagine was included

in my records.

Then you would've wanted

to be together?

Excuse me!

Whose ass do I have to kiss

to get more hot cocoa

back here?

[horse whinnies]

Coney Island?

Look, I appreciate you guys

bringing me here

to cheer me up,

but I'm a grown man.

Oh, cheer you up?

A waiter just touched

my breasts, assh*le.

If you're in need

of some cheering up,

this is the place. Come on.

Whoa, look! Wacky mirrors!

[carnival music]

# #

Malory: Driver!

Now we're going too fast!

We're trying to follow

that horse in front of us,

- not inseminate it.

- I remember when the park

was a place you'd come to get

away from the hustle and bustle.

Me too. I had an aunt

who'd take me here.

We'd sit on a park bench

for hours,

just chatting and throwing

lit matches at the pigeons.

My friends and I would feed

the pigeons Alka-Seltzer,

watch them explode!

[both laugh]

- Yeah!

- Both: Slow the hell down!

Come on, buddy,

what's got you so down?

- You can talk to ol' Pam.

- It's Archer.

- And what about him?

- [yells] I hate him!

- I hate his stupid face!

- [clank]

And his stupid car!

And his stupid coma cane!

And his stupid

[machine buzzing]

Doesn't give me

the respect I deserve!

How hard is it

for you to acknowledge

the good shape I've gotten

in? Ah! [machine buzzing]

How much I've improved

as a field agent? Ah!

I learned Mandarin,

for Christ's sake!

I hate you, Sterling Archer!

I hate you

and everything you've done

to make me feel this agh!

Cyril, I see the job you're doing.

You've been knocking it out

of the park as a field agent.

- Really?

- Really. When I thought Archer was dead,

I literally said, "Well,

at least we still got Cyril."

- You did?

- Sure. I need the agency to stay afloat.

I can't get another job.

I have, like,

a sh*t-ton of felonies.

[chuckles, sniffles]

Thanks, Pam.

[machine buzzes]

[yelps]

Gabrielle: Then why did you set

this double date up, Archer?

Seriously, out of all the women

you could've asked out

Of which there are

literally billions.

- Proving her point.

- Damn it.

You chose one that kinda,

well, is my doppelganger?

- Yeah, why is that, Archer?

- Um, if you two

are through playing

amateur neuropsychobiologist,

our Russian is headed

for the subway.

# #

Archer, I'll come at them

from around the back.

You approach them

from the left flank.

I almost hate to do it.

Those two look

really happy together.

Yeah. It's nice to be

in love with someone.

- You should try it.

- Well, if it means being as happy

as that Russian hacker and his

girlfriend, I actually

All: Oh!

- God damn it.

- [chuckles] Oh-ho-ho! No!

Ew. Should we call the police?

Both: Meh.

So, Gabrielle, this is

usually the part of the date

when we head back

to my place for great sex.

Archer, look, you seem

like a really nice guy

- Ha!

- Shut up, Lana.

You were saying?

Nice guy.

Fully functioning sex organ.

Go on.

But it's clear you still

have feelings for Lana.

[laughs]

Wait, me? For her?

Wh-why would I want Lana

when I could have you?

A totally different

noncomparable unique person who

shouldn't be exploited

for personal vendettas, sorry.

Yeah, that part.

It was nice to meet ya, Lana.

Uh, maybe we could

get together sometime.

You know what?

I actually would not mind

- hanging out with you again.

- Archer: Hey, wait, Gabrielle.

But sex time.

Gabrielle!

- Aw, you liked her, didn't you?

- I don't know.

But you didn't realize it

till just now, huh?

[grunts] Maybe.

I mean,

I thought she was great.

- Whatever.

- I mean, smart, charming.

- And those cans, am I right?

- Yeah, they looked pretty squeezy.

Thinking maybe instead of asking

her out to make me jealous,

you should've just asked her

out because she's awesome.

[jazzy music]

# #

Honey, I'm home.

[man over TV] You know

what I'd do if I were you?

Wait, wait, wait, wait,

this is my favorite part!

Mine too!

All: Fill my boots with lead

and jump in the ocean,

you pig-nosed gypsy!

[laughter]

[machine g*n fire on TV]

- Oh, gosh, that's good.

- [sighs] Fantastic.

[gulps]