12x07 - Colt Express

[bunniefuu]

How much longer

is this gonna take?

I don't know,

how long does it take a man

- to become a God, Lana?

- I don't know, ten minutes?

I still don't understand

why I have to be this naked

in front of Mother.

I don't think you all

appreciate what I've done here.

Billions of wires, carrying

trillions of data packets,

perfectly and delicately calibrated

to dive into the wet,

- gross mind of a man!

- It all looks pretty mad scientist-y.

Oh, you've even got one

of those big power switches.

That is a precision device!

That I've been saving

for something weird.

So, Krieger, how does this work?

You gonna transfer

his memory banks

into my neuro-brain stuff

or whatever?

- I call it the reverse Frankenstein.

- Okay, definitely mad scientist-y.

And you're certain this will

give us the information we need

to rebuild the device IIA stole?

I'm certain it might

if his brain doesn't explode.

Wait, which "his?"

Am I the "his?"

- More importantly, are we in the splash zone?

- Shh. Quiet!

I need total silence

to initiate the sequence.

Sorry I'm late.

I was volunteering at what

I thought was a soup kitchen

- Shh!

- God dammit!

Ooh, right, sorry.

Wait, what are we doing?

This guy has some

science thingy in his head

that we need for money,

but he's in a coma

and we're almost out of money,

- so Archer's gonna go into his brain.

- We're broke?

Is that why the vending machine

costs money now?

- No, they just finally fixed it.

- We're technically not broke.

Just operating on a leaner budget

now that Robert

is tightening the spigots.

Well, money doesn't

come from spigots.

So that might be part

of the problem right there.

That, and how much did

you spend on this thingamabob?

Well, you gotta spend money

diving into brains

to make money diving into brains.

Speaking of thingamabob, do I

need to be hooked up down there?

Great question.

Ka-thunk.

It's working.

It's working!

Here we go, buddy.

See you on your insides.

No, no, no, no, no!

Whoa.

Wait, what happened?

Where did he go?

If by he, you mean me,

well then, ta-da!

Where am I?

I'm getting a sex dungeon vibe.

- You're not far off.

- Metaphorically or geographically.

- Did it work? Am I in?

- Nope.

But, side note,

I know how to cure comas now.

Would have been useful

a couple of years ago.

The soup kitchen was a sex club.

Can you remember anything

about who you are?

- Where you come from?

- Uh

I think maybe,

your mom's butt?

- Ooh, a funny scientist.

- Aw, come on. I have my moments.

I'm a scientist?

Nice.

It's possible

the massive electric shock

may have fried

a few of his circuits.

- Look, science isn't an exact science.

- Okay, then let's start simple.

- Do you remember your name?

- Uh, no.

Bet my name's something cool

though, like, Colt.

- Yeah. Let's go with Colt.

- Damn. That is cool.

And you're sure

you don't want us

to call you

Dr. Something or other?

Ugh, lame.

Trust me, Colt is fine.

Wait! I'm getting something.

A small blue house,

- two children, and a wife

- Ugh, enough.

Colt, you're a very

important scientist

on a very important mission, okay?

To redesign the device you were

transporting in Moldova.

Can do, I'll just grab

this pen and paper, and voilá.

- Not bad.

- But terrible riding form.

Oh, I guess I can't do.

But you know the device

we're talking about?

- What does it do?

- Well, if memory serves

- And it mostly doesn't.

- It's an energy source.

Properly used, it could

eliminate our dependence

- on fossil fuels altogether.

- What about improperly used?

It could wipe out

all life on the planet.

- Science, you crazy bitch.

- Yeah.

Oh, God, that must be why

IIA wants it.

It's a classic "evil villain

destroys the world

with some sort

of weird doomsday device" plot.

- Obviously.

- Oh, hey, wait.

I'm remembering some other stuff.

- One, metal rules.

- Preach, brother!

And two, I left my notes

on a memory stick

hidden in the device,

along with a homing beacon.

Did I have a talky-talk on me

when you picked me up?

Okay, I might be able to track it.

- Whoa, who is this hot piece of ass?

- That would be you.

Ah, here we go.

The device is in Singapore.

- IIA's headquarters are in Singapore.

- I'll get my checkbook.

That's my room service!

- We just got here.

- I preordered it from the plane phone.

Damn. How do you say

"Bitchin'" in Singaporean?

Actually, the primary

language here is Mandarin.

Did that feel good?

Making me feel small?

- Yes, it did.

- This place is incredible.

This was almost our honeymoon.

Maybe an anniversary?

Oh, sure, yeah, maybe.

Hey, where's Ray?

Who knows? He's been asking

for a lot of time off lately.

For some family emergency

or something.

As if four cats are family.

I'm all for a successful mission,

but first class tickets,

and a penthouse with room service?

We need to talk about how

much all this is costing.

Later.

Everyone, listen up.

Lana, Cyril, and I will survey IIA

and develop an entrance strategy.

Okay, this will ping

the homing beacon, I think.

- Still a bit fuzzy on the science.

- That's great.

Krieger, you stay here with Colt,

and try to jog his memory

for more information.

Hey, I'll race you to remember.

- Hey, I am a funny scientist.

- Eh.

- And, Mother

- There has to be a bar around here.

Uh, keep doing what you're doing.

And, Robert,

you're on point here at HQ.

- So what are they doing here?

- Um, comic relief.

- Thank you so much.

- Ah! Are you tipping him $500?

Relax. It's my money.

And sometimes I like to give

service people a thrill.

I'm sorry, Miss,

was my service unsatisfactory?

Perhaps this is generous

in your country,

but in Singapore, it's

how would you Americans say it?

- Jack sh*t.

- What?

Singapore is an

extremely wealthy country.

- And there he goes again.

- Ha! Your money means less.

Wait, am I poor here?

Do you really have to bring

that up right now?

What? All I said was,

"Trouble in hell,"

as a play on "trouble in paradise,"

because your husband sucks,

and it seems like you're avoiding him,

which, now that I think about it,

- I should've said, "success in hell?"

- I don't want to talk about it.

What happened?

Did you tell him about

- tongue-wrestling that dude in Japan?

- Jesus, Archer!

- You cheated on Robert?

- No!

Well, I almost, sort of,

kissed someone else.

- Oh, my God.

- But that's all that happened!

- Besides the cuddling.

- Not helpful.

Okay, how about now?

No, I don't think

the jogging's working.

Hey, what if you put me back in

the coma and woke me up again?

- A hard reset.

- That's just crazy enough to work.

Or not work. Pretty 50/50.

I think I remember

liking those odds.

- God, I love science!

- Well, I don't.

Dammit, Lana, if you're

making a cuckold of Robert,

- he deserves to know!

- That is not what's happening!

And who are you to judge?

- You and I both cheated on each other!

- And it broke me!

Not a real high bar.

Cyril, I'm sorry for the past, okay?

But this is different.

I am not the same person

I was back then.

Also, I never told you about

any of the times

I cheated on you

when we were together,

and trust me, Lana,

you were way happier for it.

Oh, you never had to tell me.

Shh, follow me.

We're gonna go in the bedroom.

Oh, so anyway,

uh, this is what

a king-size bed looks like.

I'll see you out, Mrs. My Dentist.

She fell for it!

Let's just focus on the mission

infiltrating this weirdly

casual botanical garden.

Wait, I think we did it.

This is the top spy agency

in the world.

You can't just waltz right in.

Really?

Because it seems to be working.

- Bingo. All

- Clear!

What the hell are you doing?

Uh, putting the ghost back

in the meat suit.

Going again!

1 Bukit Batok Street,

25, Singapore, 658882!

That's my address. I lived here!

Also, I talked to God.

She is real, and she is pissed.

- Sounds like my kind of broad.

- Okay.

Go to that address and see

if he remembers anything else.

We'll stay here and handle the comms.

Okay, are you sure

you know how?

- Go!

- Don't worry, we've got this.

Sterling? Sterling, it's me.

Sorry, Malory, we have

a similar system at my company.

- I think you're on mute.

- Turn it up. Sterling?

Sterling! Sterling!

And to speak,

you gotta hold down the

If you move that hand another inch,

you won't have it anymore.

Thanks for joining the IIA team.

Have a seat

and fill out this application.

- Orientation will start shortly.

- Uh, okay.

Well, well, well, look

who just waltzed right in.

We didn't have a choice.

Some IIA drone

handed us cucumber waters

and told us not to miss

the orientation.

And he complimented my surveilling.

Looks like this is some

sort of recruitment event.

Oh, they must be poaching

agents all over the industry.

Welcome.

Hey, y'all, come on in.

Come on in, welcome.

All right, let's fill up

from back to front.

- Wait, Ray?

- Archer!

Uh, this isn't what it looks like.

Unless it looks like

I'm working for IIA,

because then, yeah.

Although technically

I'm temp to perm.

Welcome to the IIA family.

You're about to start

the most exciting journey

of your lives.

To be honest, I'm jealous.

Ray, what in the Harold Cole?

You're working for IIA?

It's not personal.

I just need a back-up plan

in case the agency goes down.

So you've been commuting

back and forth

to work part-time in Singapore?

I just borrow Robert's plane.

I mean, that way it's free 99.

IIA may be the world's

leading spy agency,

but we only have one mission

to make the world a better place.

Ugh, why do all billionaires

have this gross savior complex?

You're married to a billionaire.

- For now.

- Shut it.

What are y'all talking about?

- Lana cheated on Robert.

- We just cuddled!

Which is emotional cheating,

which is way worse!

- Yeah, she's a monster.

- Oh, my God. I want to die.

And I want deets!

God, I have missed the hot goss.

Home sweet home.

I guess I'm not married with kids.

Hmm, this is your place?

Ooh and ah.

As in, I'm in awe

of how eww it is.

I guess if I lived in Singapore,

I'd have to live in

a hellhole like this.

- Probably drowning in my own urine.

- Oops, rent notice.

Damn, my rent

is $12,000 per month?

- Um, wait. Is that a lot?

- Yes!

- Whoa, sweet guitars!

- Right? I hope they're mine.

- Does any of this spark anything?

- Oh, not yet.

- Oh, no! No! No!

- What?

My name's not Colt.

It's Jeremy!

- Ugh.

- Wait, what's on the back of that?

- Numbers.

- Yes!

- Location coordinates, to be exact.

- Let's roll out, b*tches.

Hold on, I feel like there

has to be something else.

I think this might be important.

Okay, well, just bring it

with you and

And I think

this might be important.

The model submarine and this broken

plastic fork are definitely important.

- Okay.

- And this!

The model submarine,

the broken plastic fork,

and this poster of an alien

in a bikini are all important.

- Sure, fine, now can we just

- And this! This is for sure important.

Oh, God, no!

- Wait, what about this?

- Eh, nah, that's nothing.

But it was hidden in that statue!

Okay, fine.

But you're carrying it.

That's the big question?

Well, here at IIA,

the answer is flipping

the paradigm so we achieve

our measurables with

maximum ROI cost-benefit.

Oh, hey, I just got

corporate buzzword bingo.

Well, mock all you want, but

Fabian knows what he's doing.

Oh, yeah, and what is that?

Securing a monopoly

over the entire spy industry

so he can corner the market

and gain undue influence

- over national and global politics?

- He also makes a mean quiche.

It's all just so structured.

Oh! An org chart?

- Hey! Snap out of it.

- Right. Bad guys.

Organized, sensible,

401k-providing bad guys.

Listen, this orientation

is our chance, okay?

We have to get further into the

building without drawing attention.

Good luck. Security might

be breezy out here,

but nobody gets into zone 2

without a lapel chip.

It also controls

when we can use the bathroom,

which seems, you know,

like a crime, almost.

Hey!

They make us pay for these!

Good God, this guy is lame.

This is supposed to be our competition?

Mm, technically, no.

He's crushing us.

You're so lucky

this ripped on a seam.

You could've asked me for help,

you know.

Could I? Or are you too busy

working for the competition?

- Again, not our competition.

- He's got a point, Ray.

Of course I'm gonna help you!

I mean, don't get me wrong,

the money's great here,

but y'all are family.

I'm gonna try pinging

the homing beacon.

That must be

the underground warehouse.

- Great. Can you take us there?

- Sure thing.

Oh, I just earned my

bathroom break for the day.

Who needs a pit stop?

- I could tinkle.

- No time.

Just pee in your pants.

It's what we trained for.

Sterling, dear, it's me.

What is your status regarding

Operation IIA Take Down? Over.

Damn it!

- Sterling? Sterling!

- Moms, right?

Aw, totally bungling

a mission for avoidable reasons?

Ah, it takes me back.

Well, that was easy.

Hey, what's the form you fill out

for getting your ass kicked?

Looks like 22-C,

which entitles them

to free rehabilitation and

up to four weeks sick leave.

sh*t! Guys, the memory stick

is on the move from the warehouse.

Okay, let's split up.

Lana and Cyril, you get

to the warehouse and rig

the device to explode.

Ray and I will find the memory stick

and we'll meet you there.

- Oh, no, why'd it have to be Terry?

- Please, we can take him.

No, he's just the only friend

I've made here.

We ate lunch everyday

at the same table.

Attention.

All agents, be on the lookout

for suspicious elements.

- Ah, buttercups.

- Any weaknesses I should know about?

- He loves pudding?

- Probably won't come up, but okay.

- Ah

- This isn't personal!

I genuinely value you

as a co-worker and a friend!

- Who are you?

- Oh, screw you, guy!

- Guards. Be careful.

- Should we tiptoe?

- Like you're tiptoeing around Robert?

- Cyril, I swear to God.

- What will you do if he finds out?

- Well, as long as no limp-d*ck,

four-eyed nerds

run their mouths, he won't!

One, we both know my penis is

generally firm when it needs to be.

And two, I've been hesitant

to say this,

but you leave me no choice.

Lana Kane,

you are turning into Archer.

And you are turning into

a gigantic pain

in my otherwise perfect ass.

There's our target.

- Okay, I'll create a distraction

- No, I've got this.

Watch the bureaucratic master at work.

You there!

You can't be on guard duty, you

forgot to fill out your T9-32!

- Got it right here, pal.

- Oh.

But that truck

isn't a company asset,

- which means you also need a

- A CM-5? Not my first rodeo.

Hey, don't you need a VS-10

to be in here?

Crap. Good bureaucracy.

Okay, maybe not

the best distraction.

- Ya think?

- Just like your emotional affair

isn't the best distraction

from the fact that

Oh, my God.

I'm not turning into Archer!

Really?

Let's look at the evidence.

You hit on anything that moves,

you party all night

and sleep all day,

and you've been taking

way too many

- gummy women's multivitamins.

- Wait, that's an Archer thing?

Damn it, those expl*sives were

the only way to blow up the device.

All right, so we'll rig

a b*mb or something.

Improvising?

Okay, "Archer."

- What?

- Enough!

Everybody enough!

If I know IIA,

Diamond Force is probably

coming for us right now!

- Diamond Force?

- The elite k*ll squad.

- They all wear matching diamond rings.

- Cool.

Well, we can't leave

the device and risk IIA

using it to blow up the world,

which means

- Yeah?

- Oh, I had hoped you had something.

This is the nicest

parking lot I've ever seen.

What do you think this space

goes for right here

between these lines?

Like, 5, 6 million?

Do you recognize anything yet, Colt?

Hold up.

I thought his name was Jeremy.

I'm sticking with Colt, damn it!

- There, that's it.

- Oh, my God. It's gorgeous!

Just installed

a new engine last year.

There's a kegerator in the back,

and she gets

three miles per gallon.

But on a good downhill, I can

jack that baby up to four.

How do you remember

nothing about who you are,

- and everything about this van?

- I mean, I get it.

- Change of plans.

- As usual.

- What the? Ray?

- Pam! Guess what?

We don't have time for this.

It's Diamond Force!

- What's the plan, Archer?

- Um, swerve until they

accidentally sh**t the device

and blow it up for us?

Someone get Mother on comms!

I need some cataract-filled

eyes in the sky.

We no longer have comms

because you two destroyed them!

Shouting at me doesn't

make me regret things, Cyril!

Yeah, sometimes you have

to make a call in the moment!

- Ho-ho, of course you'd take his side.

- Who's side? Mine?

I am not! Turning!

Into Archer!

Okay, I really feel like

you guys are talking about me.

- Damn it, could you be quiet?

- Wow, passive aggressive much?

Not the point, assh*le.

This is Ray to Old Mother Hen.

Do you copy?

- What did he say?

- Mother!

It's them! We're back online!

I need you

to find me a cliff!

- You look!

- Yeah! Teamwork!

Okay, looking for a cliff.

Let's see, there's a gentle slope.

It's really beautiful country.

Oh, my God, dying over here!

There! The Marina Bay Sands!

There's the incomplete freeway

overpass nearby.

Yes!

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but nice work, Robert.

Okay. Everybody in the van.

- Excuse me, his name is Jethro Kull!

- Whatever!

Smooth in-line tracking,

and accurate ceiling constellations?

- This van rocks!

- Did someone say, "rock?"

- Ragnar Rockingson!

- Oh, good, another Krieger.

Get the memory stick

and Colt out of here!

- What about you?

- I'm gonna ditch the flatbed

over the overpass and hope

the fall destroys the device.

What if you can't

make it out in time?

Just jump the gap

and we'll lose them!

- This way's more heroic!

- assh*le!

Archer!

Ah, sh*t.

- Sterling Archer.

- Present.

You may have destroyed

my device and stolen my plans,

but you left us with a very

powerful bargaining chip

- My life?

- Your life!

sh*t, sorry. I can tell you

thought that would sound cool.

Here, try it again.

Blah blah blah,

bargaining chip, and

- ah, sh*t!

- Do you ever shut up?

At movies, I guess.

If they're good ow!

Oh, God,

Mr. Archer is gonna die,

and the agency is gonna go bankrupt,

and I'll be stuck in Singapore

living in this van!

- Back seat folds down into a bed.

- Oh, my God, it does!

You know you're still bonkers

rich in America, right?

Oh, yeah. I feel better.

Let's go home.

Okay, what about saving

Archer and the agency?

- Eh, I've got options.

- Cyril, cover me. I'm going after him.

And how do you plan to do that?

That's Diamond Force!

- I mean, did you see those rings?

- I'll figure it out on the way!

So no plan.

Just like Archer.

Risking everything

for whatever works for you.

It's a shame it had to come

to this, Sterling Archer.

Yeah, I'm feeling that too.

Might be a near death thing though.

Near death?

I don't want to k*ll you.

I want you to work for me.

It's just a shame it involved

blowing up my warehouse.

What? When we first met

you said you'd never hire me.

What can I say?

You've grown on me.

Your pure,

raw instincts are something

no organizational flowchart

can replace.

Well, right now, my pure,

raw instincts are saying,

"Screw you, Fabian!

I'll never help you with your classic

"evil villain destroys the world

with some sort of

weird doomsday device plot!"

- What?

- You heard me. Never!

Wait, do you think I'm, like,

some kind of, super villain?

Oh, my God, that's so

oh, that's so funny.

Okay, I can totally see how it

could have come off that way.

Wait, so you're not trying

to destroy the world?

No!

Archer, I want to use the device

for its intended purpose

eliminating our global

dependency on fossil fuels.

Really?

Wow. I mean, talk about crossed wires.

But first, I'm going to make

fossil fuel companies

pay me a huge ransom

not to use the device,

whilst also running

a protection racket

over every major country

to ensure I don't blow them up.

Okay, wires uncrossed.

You're evil. I'm back out.

Shame, I'm going to make trillions.

And you could have been part of it.

But alas.

Holy sh*t!

Oh, my God.

Oh, you guys are in so much trouble.

Let me introduce you to Barry

the death cyborg,

who actually is my friend now,

right, Barry?

Sorry, pal.

It's actually Other Barry.