05x10 - Yankee Hankee

[bunniefuu]

BILL: A Texas Native license plate.

It's got that new license plate smell.

Boy! A set of those sure would look sharp on my truck.

Heck, they'd look sharp anywhere.

I tell you what, man talking about them, they add 20% on the blue-book value, man.

That is a capital idea with a capital Then all three of us will have them.

No offense, Bill, you being from Loseranna.

And my plates usually are so covered with mud anyway.

I really want one! It's okay, Bill, you can ride with me after I put my new plates on.

- I don't care where you're from.

- Thank you, Hank.

Just duck down whenever I pass another real Texan.

HANK: Any sign of my birth certificate yet? PEGGY: To be perfectly honest, no.

I'd better call my mom.

I'm pretty sure the license people are gonna need to see a birth certificate.

Otherwise, you'd have a bunch of Oklahomans trying to get Texas Native plates.

TILLIE: Hello? HANK: Mom? Look, this isn't a social call.

I'm just phoning to get a copy of my birth certificate.

Your birth certificate? Well, what makes you think I'd have something like that? Because I wouldn't.

And I don't.

- That was weird.

- Well, I found my birth certificate.

Seven pounds, six ounces.

Perfect.

Hey, Dad.

I got you a little housewarming present.

A basket of fruit.

Peggy made it up for you.

It's mostly oranges.

Is that a kiwi in there? - You know how I feel about hairy fruits.

- Yeah.

So---- Hey, when you were packing up the house in Houston did you happen to come across my birth certificate? [G.

H.

crying]

You think I got enough room in this cr*cker box for your baby crap? Well, maybe you could have kept my birth certificate and tossed out some of those videos.

Those videos are of G.

H.

They mean something to me.

[G.

H.

coughing]

Didi, get the camera.

He's doing it again.

If I didn't know those two hadn't spoken in four years I'd swear they were in some kind of conspiracy.

Well, either this is your dream and I am in it or this is your life and your parents are acting weird because you're adopted.

Adopted? - No, my dad hates adopted children.

- Exactly.

Which is why Cotton treats your brother G.

H who we know for sure is not adopted much better than you whose parentage is, let's face it, a question mark.

My mom wouldn't just hang up on me for no reason.

God, maybe I really am adopted! Well, there would be clues.

Think back to when you were a child.

Now, Hank, did your parents ever tell you you were adopted? - Hank? - Hank.

How do I even know that's my name? My real parents might have called me Henry or Chris.

God, Peggy.

What if I'm a Chris? Well, if I was adopted that means my real dad could be anybody.

Hey, maybe even Tom Landry.

I do have his strong chin and love for the flex defense.

I wonder if I would have called him Dad or Coach? Who am I kidding? It would have been sir.

Before we sue the Landry estate for child support I'm gonna need your social.

[Dale whistling]

Now we download, enter.

Hank, are you standing on the cable? It says here your birth parents were Tillie and Cotton Hill.

Well, I guess that's a relief.

At least I can keep loving my mom.

Let me take a look.

"Place of birth: New York, New York?" [Hank screaming]

How come you never told me I was born in New York? What? New York? You wasn't.

You was adopted.

Yeah.

Worst $50 I ever spent.

Could've got me a matching pair of Chinese babies for $10.

I was born in New York City, of your seed.

Hank! I always knew the day would come when I'd have to tell you the whole sad story.

Maybe it was my fault for loving your mother so much back when she was still worth loving.

COTTON: Tillie had always wanted to see New York City.

She heard about it at the beauty parlor.

Well, you weren't due for another few weeks so I bought Tillie a fancy new maternity dress and took her to the Rainbow Room.

A place as romantic as it was expensive.

How your mama loved to dance! Maybe I dipped he! too hard or maybe Old Blue Eyes greased the rail.

[Water running]

Next thing I know we're trying to keep you from making your debut on Broadway.

Three days later we took a premature bundle of you back to Texas.

I never told you because I didn't think you were man enough to handle it.

Not being born in Texas, you weren't! Well, thank you, I guess for not leaving me there.

Don't thank me.

Thank your mother.

No.

I mean, don't mention anything to her.

She's never forgiven herself for birthing you outside Texas.

It'd k*ll her if she knew you found out.

Well, maybe it should.

I don't mean that.

Topsy, remember that thing we said we were gonna do but never did? No, we did that.

We did the hell out of that.

I mean that other thing.

I think it's time we finally completed our mission.

Peggy, being born in New York makes me no better than Tony Randall.

Now, Hank, if being born here is so important why did you marry me? I didn't marry you right away.

Believe me, I had to pray on it.

Maybe you should have opened your eyes and then your Bible, Hank.

"Red and yellow, black and white "we are all precious in His sight.

" Nothing in there about New York.

Well, Sodom is in there, Hank, and Gomorrah.

And they are New York as all get out.

- Yep.

- Yep.

Yep.

Or should I say yadda-yadda-yadda? - Hank, should I? - Shut up, Dale.

Boy, you New Yorkers really are rude! Dad, is what Joseph's been telling everyone at school true? About where you're from? I'm sorry, Bobby.

- I'm from New York.

- Get out! I always knew I had a little New York in me.

Now I know where it came from.

Did you meet Woody Allen and hang out in the Village? I left when I was three days old, okay? - Ever think about moving back? - No! Erwin, get in here and give me a hand.

I ain't getting in no damn hole until I'm dead.

Never mind.

k*ll, Topsy, k*ll! COTTON: Look at him go.

Damn it, Dale! RADIO JOCKEY: This is for the $20 gift certificate to the Arroyo Diner.

Now, what is the name of the 50-foot-tall cowboy that greets visitors to the Texas State Fair? That's easy.

it's Wait a second.

I know this.

Dang it! CALLER: Is it Big Tex? RADIO JOCKEY: That's right.

Big Tex.

[Car horn blaring]

Go back to New York! [Hank sighing]

I can't even drive like a Texan anymore, Peggy.

I think my truck might be too much vehicle for me.

Dad, come on, you'll be okay.

You just need what Mom likes to call closure.

I think we should all go to New York.

The only closure I need is of your mouth, mister.

TILLIE: Hello.

Mom, Dad told me everything.

I know that I was born in New York.

Hank, I'm so, so sorry.

I wanted to say something, but I didn't want to hurt you.

Don't pretend you were looking out for me.

You were looking out for you.

You and your romantic getaway to the Big Rotten Apple.

Wait! Cotton's trying to pin this on me? It was his idea to go to New York.

What? Well, then one of you is not telling the truth.

Hell, I know it's him.

Your father dragged me pregnant to New York.

Then he dragged me to a baseball game at Yankee Stadium.

[TILLIE: It was unseasonably warm that day, and all]

wanted was A glass of water? Suck on a pebble and keep looking storked out.

You're our ticket through the police line.

COTTON: Well, Fidel, you should have stayed in Washington on your unofficial visit.

Now they're gonna have to carry you out on a seventh-inning stretcher.

[Tillie groaning]

Woman with fetus coming through! Have a cigar, you weak-chinned Cuban son of a bitch! [Tillie screaming in pain]

Get down! The baby's coming! No, not now, woman.

Hold it in.

- Go! - You're running for two, woman.

Let's go! [Baby Hank crying]

I was born in the ladies' room at Yankee Stadium? And at midnight we rendezvous in San Antonio with one Jorge Lopez.

As you know, he's half Mexican, half Cuban.

For this job, we'll be using the half that's Cuban.

How are we gonna get to San Antonio? We can't all fit in your Cadillac car.

I guess I could take a few people in my Cadillac car but I don't wanna.

You idiot.

We can't use our own cars.

Remember how the cops tracked you down when you hit that fire hydrant? We're hitting more than a fire hydrant this time! I know the truth, Dad.

Mom told me everything.

The ladies' room, Yankee Stadium, Mr.

Fidel Castro.

So, the pig squealed? Well, I guess I can't blame her.

That's what pigs do.

It's your fault I was born in New York and I can't drive my truck and I tried a bagel and I actually liked it.

His truck.

No, no more lies.

I loved that bagel.

Go to hell! But I am in hell.

I spent these last 40 years tearing myself up for letting my first son be born outside Texas.

- Are you apologizing? - I think you deserve one.

If I could just shove you back in your mother and do it all over again in Texas, I would.

Dad! Tell you what, Hank, let me make it up to you.

We'll go out tonight, raise some hell.

We'll make you one of us, a real Texan.

And we can all goes in your truck.

Come on, Hank.

All I'm asking for is a second chance.

Well, a real Texas man's night out.

- That's just what I needed, I tell you what.

- Sure.

Just give me the keys.

You know, this is the first time we've gone sh**ting together that you haven't humiliated me.

I'm having a ball.

That's nice.

Now, give me the g*n.

We still gots to gets to San Antonio by midnight and pick up Lopez.

- Now, who's Lopez? - Yeah, well How's this? Lopez's is the best barbecue take-out in the state.

Yeah, and this here, too.

Boy, that's a lot of knives and flares and stuff for what, exactly? That's right.

You go into Lopez's dressed like a commando, you get half off.

Barbecue at midnight? [Chuckling]

Good luck finding that in Manhattan.

There's another Texas plate.

Hank, take a drink.

I'd just like to tell Buck Strickland to kiss off.

The Alamo! Oh, my goodness! The cradle of Texas liberty.

Hank, every Texan ought to have his picture taken in front of the Alamo.

Would you be in it with me, Dad? No, but I'll let you hold today's newspaper and Topsy's g*n.

Make you look like a real Texan.

Now what does a newspaper have to-- It took you long enough, Slowpez.

- That's Lopez? - He knows too much.

Huh? Hank, close your eyes and put out your hands.

Time for a real Texas surprise.

Topsy, get the rope.

Okay, now I do know too much.

You got me a genuine Texas lasso like I wanted for my ninth birthday, right? I tell you, Dad, just when I think I've got you figured out Hey, this isn't a lasso, it's clothesline.

For a New Yorker you ain't got much street smarts.

I'm not a New Yorker.

I became a Texan when I ate the worm.

You didn't chew it.

And you ain't a Texan.

- You're a patsy from New York.

- Patsy? But the point of this whole trip was to leave me drunk and Texan.

The point of tonight is to k*ll Castro, and bring back his chin pelt.

What about making me a Texan? Wait.

All this was about trying to frame me? You won't fry for it.

We're just covering our own tracks.

Who'd believe you'd be man enough to k*ll Castro? Dad, you can't k*ll Castro.

For God's sake, you're not even supposed to drive at night.

Now, untie me.

The game is over.

Lopez, take his clothes.

Stinky, throw him over the fence.

didn't see it coming.

[Man whooping]

MAN: Nice socks! I've got to hide my nudity.

Hello? Anyone here? What the "These 32 flags "honor the birthplaces of the Alamo defenders.

"Kentucky, Tennessee, Ohio, New York.

" New York? "They were born across America but they d*ed Texas heroes.

" [Rustling]

Hello? Jim Bowie and his Kn*fe.

Easy now.

Sorry about this, Mr.

Crockett.

Why am I wearing the hat? Thanks for the lift.

I don't normally hitchhike.

Hey! - Keep moving.

- Yeah.

Hold on.

- It's starting to drizzle.

- Suck it up, Stinky.

It rained for 17 days straight at Guadalcanal.

- Didn't hear you complain then.

- I complained a lot.

HANK: Stop! It's Little Miss New York.

That's enough, Dad.

I may be your son, I can't change that but I'm not about to be your patsy.

Well, I suppose you're Sucker punch.

You don't have what it takes to stop me.

Do it, Topsy.

Old-guy breath.

All right.

Prepare to cast off.

First we got to figure out the direction of the wind.

Who's got saliva? You know, Colonel, your boy should have come up by now.

Even Topsy can't hold his breath that long.

What? All right.

Stinky, you'd better get him.

No, don't sh**t him! Jump in and save him! All right, Dad, it's over.

I've got your spark plugs, so you're not going anywhere.

We don't need spark plugs.

We'll row to Cuba.

Well, that's how they get here.

I have a doctor's appointment.

I got adult-onset diabetes.

If I don't watch my weight, they're gonna cut off my foot.

Christ, I'm hungry.

And it's puzzle day at the rec center.

I'm gonna finish that son of a bitch lighthouse.

Fine, you sissy girls, I'll do the job myself.

Hell, I'll swim to Cuba with this wrench between my teeth.

Then I'll pose as a beautiful female plumber.

And then when a toilet clogs in the presidential palace Ill---- [Cotton groaning]

I just wanted to k*ll Castro.

I know, Dad.

I know.

Hank, thanks again for calling.

We were starting to get worried.

- Take your hands off me, you gutter slut.

- Daddy.

Hank, informed sources tell me that you were dead in the water and then you came back to life.

So you were reborn in Texas which means you are now a native Texan.

No, I'm not a native Texan, I'm just a Texan.

And I am a Texan, too.

I don't remember seeing any Montana flag at the Alamo.

Well, it wasn't a state yet.

Fine.

Everybody's a Texan.

Change planes in Dallas, you're a Texan.

COTTON: Well, I suppose Sucker punch.