05x20 - Kidney Boy and Hamster Girl: A Love Story

[bunniefuu]

- Hank, can I use your bathroom? - No.

But I locked myself out of my house.

No.

Can I use your phone to call a locksmith? If I let you use the phone, you'll sneak in and use the toilet.

Look, I'd prefer it if no one ever had to use the bathroom.

But until that day, let's just make the best of it and respect one another's privacy.

From the lukewarm headwaters of the mighty Brazos River-- Stop it! Well, it is his cooler.

Okay, I'm putting you in charge of buying our prom tickets at lunch tomorrow.

I have to break it to Kim and Dooley they're out of the limo.

Are you listening, Bobby? - Yeah.

- Come on.

We can't cut through the high-school parking lot.

We're middle-schoolers.

They hate us.

High-school students are far too busy with their studies to care about us riding through their parking lot.

Connie, come back! Oh! You are forcing me to protect you.

Hey, Shorty.

Where do you think you're going? We don't want any trouble, gentlemen.

We're not letting you pass until you give us a little song.

This is crazy.

Just because we go to middle school-- [Singing]

If you want to be my lover, you gotta get with my friends Connie, go! - What? - Hey! Get him.

I'm gonna b*at the crap out of you.

If you're not gonna help, be quiet.

Oh, man! BOY: Dude, there he is.

- Yup.

- Yup.

What the heck? You know, Hank, your selfish refusal to let Bill use your bathroom got me thinking.

I plan on creating and then cornering the premium port-a-potty market.

It'll be the best dollar a person could spend.

Nobody's gonna want to pay good money to use a stinky portable washroom.

Stinky? DALE: With the finest lotions, the softest tissues and the most pleasing lighting design the Port-a-Gribble will be a Finally a vacation I can afford.

Not so fast.

A dollar buys the key.

That's the friend price.

Thank you.

BILL: Oh! I feel like I'm a millionaire construction worker.

What the Oh, man, look at him running around with that flabby little BILL: What? What did I miss? Hank, we are getting his bike right now.

If we move fast, maybe we can still find his pants.

Peggy, if we get his bike now, we'll be getting it for him until he's 16.

Then we'll be getting his truck.

It's kind of a tradition for high-schoolers to pick on the young and the weak.

No offense, Son.

All right.

I'll go get the bike.

Just make sure you videotape my chef programs while I'm in the coma.

Don't be a hero.

Curl up in a ball and cry if you have to.

Listen, if anything happens promise me you'll take care of Connie.

Make sure she goes to the prom.

It's really important to her.

Me and Connie at the prom? Wow! I won't let you down.

Bobby? Tom Landry Middle School rules.

TLMSR.

Where's my bike? Yeah.

So before I knew it, my entire bangs were on fire.

Okay.

But did he say whether or not he likes me? [School bell ringing]

Yeah.

Okay, let's go, freshman.

That was the warning bell.

Freshman? No.

No, sir.

I'm still in middle school.

Look, I know it's tough in there for a freshman.

They're animals.

I got some advice for you.

Puff out your chest and walk like this.

I saw a gorilla do it on a nature show.

Scared the crap out of me.

Now, go on.

Wand the uterine wall sloughs off Taco Bueno in school? I thought that was just an urban legend.

"Godspell"? That was banned in middle school.

I have arrived.

I am so wassup.

Bobby! Thank God you're alive.

I've never been more alive in my life.

I was in high school.

It was like I was living in a dream.

But if it was all a dream how did I get this burrito wrapper from Taco Bueno? BOBBY: That's right.

Taco Bueno, in the food court, at the high school.

Did they have a language lab? Did you notice what the teacher-student ratio was? Oh! My mind is just racing with questions.

I gotta get back.

The Colonel's cooking up something tasty for lunch in the food court, at the high school.

Hey, fresh meat, this is the senior bathroom.

I'm gonna shove your head in the toilet.

Put me down.

My growth is stunted.

My kidneys are broken.

I'm really a senior.

Like that kid on that old TV show? Yes, exactly like that kid on that old TV show.

Now, put me down.

You know, you do look kind of familiar.

Didn't we see you at Conklin's party? Anybody who says they remember that party wasn't really there.

- Oh, Dude.

- Dude.

Okay.

So, what's the deal with all the "No Doubt" posters? Hey, wait.

I thought you said you went to school here.

I do.

But I've been in dialysis the last couple of months.

Lefty shut down and I just got him working again.

Sucks for you.

Well, anyway, we're in the middle of a big radio contest with with, like, every high school in Texas.

If we win, No Doubt's gonna play our prom.

We're in fifth place behind a Catholic girls' school.

Those chicks are tough.

No Doubt rules.

All we've got is some Vegas theme at our dance at the hospital.

So, what do you do? Eat weird stuff? Eat stuff, stack stuff, spray paint stuff.

We listen to Pig 106 every morning.

Wacky and Steve tell us what to do.

[School bell ringing]

Yeah! it's pep-rally time.

Come on, kidney boy.

Cool.

Wow! Your cheerleaders really have boobies.

Yeah.

Even junior varsity has them.

Okay, settle people.

Settle.

You're gonna want to hear this one.

Canklin I Okay, I just got the word from Wacky and Steve that Pierce High School lost their liability insurance and can't do the Dishwasher of Doom.

So, they're out.

So that puts us in the top four with 296 points.

There's no doubt we 're gonna win this thing.

God, I love this school.

Yeah! Friends, I know you've used toilets.

But I'll wager you've never truly experienced one.

Why just relieve yourself when you can reward yourself? Mr.

Strickland, is it? Well, I might be able to conjure up a little something.

STRICKLAND: Hank, pay the toilet man.

All right.

All right, Anthony.

The record's a minute.

You ready? Dude ANTHONY: Let me out.

I can't breathe.

I taste soap.

Do we have anybody short? Where's that petite kid who tumbles? Rosemary? She moved to Oklahoma.

I'll do it.

What about your kidneys? They're full of Arlen High spirit.

Who is he? He's so cute and helpless.

Kidney boy.

We call him that because of his bad kidneys.

You mean, like, he could die any minute? Try any second.

BOBBY: Oh, yeah! Arlen High rules.

I can't stop thinking about Connie.

I know she's Bobby's girl.

But I love her.

They're not married.

Go for it.

BOBBY: I need the latest hard numbers in the No Doubt competition.

An estimate does me no good.

Pig 106 says Lubbock is getting a point a person for cramming kids into a phone booth.

A phone booth? - How are we ever gonna b*at that? - Wait.

I've got something that is the size of a phone booth.

And smells like a phone booth.

A parka-PM“!- - That's rad.

- Yeah.

No Doubt is ours.

CONNIE: Bobby? Please tell me you bought our prom tickets.

I've got a situation here, Connie.

Lubbock is cramming kids into a phone booth.

I'll get the tickets tomorrow.

Bobby, they're sold out.

It turns out all those nerds who said they have girlfriends at other schools weren't lying.

Well, then come with me to the high-school prom.

They're getting No Doubt to play.

The high-school prom? Me at the high-school prom hanging out with Arlen's best teachers.

- Who's the middle-school cheese? - Oh, no.

She's a high-school girl I know from the children's hospital.

Yeah, she has a little tail.

It's not like a monkey more like a hamster.

They can't operate.

So, they're dissolving it with Compound W.

Oh, that brave little hamster girl.

And you are so sweet to take care of her.

I like the bow tie.

Lose everything else.

Check you out.

That is one fly tux.

Is that hamster girl? She's very sensitive.

And she has super hearing.

Oh.

Because I was gonna tell you that Vivian wants to go to the prom with you.

What are you staring at? Nothing.

I was Can you pick up things with your tail? Like that shoe? Yeah.

Does it wag when you're happy? Connie, why don't we try this tux on in the dressing room? Bobby, why do those guys think I have a tail? Oh, probably because medical science Oh! I told them you had one.

Why were you making fun of me? No.

it's very romantic.

You have a tail.

I have bad kidneys.

We met on a rainy day at hospital camp.

And now we can go to the high-school prom.

I thought they liked you because you were so cool not pitied you because you're a freak.

No! I have the medical condition.

You're the freak.

You've gotta keep this straight or we're never gonna pull it off.

I am not gonna pretend I have a medical problem.

There are people who really have tails.

Maybe.

Well, I'm not going.

Fine! But I'm going to the high-school prom.

What's with hamster girl? Oh, she can't go to the prom.

She's having that problem with her DNA or something.

I don't know.

it's bad.

Hey, that means you can take Vivian.

- Dude! - Dude! Let's go, kidney boy.

Come on.

Suck it in.

I thought maybe if you're not still creeped out by me you might go to the prom with me.

I've got two tickets.

If you're not still, you know, creeped out.

I'd be honored.

Everybody settle down.

[Any minute now I??? expecting a phone ca]

! from Pig 706'.

We're gonna find out-- PRINCIPAL: Hello? WACKY: Yes.

Hello.

I'd like to order a pizza.

Please, ma'am.

We're trying to keep the line clear.

STEVE: Hey, you've been pranked by Wacky and Steve.

WACKY: Hey, we have a lady here who'd like to speak to you.

She's really hot.

And I know I've spent more than a few nights thinking about her.

Here she is.

Steve's mom! STEVE: Dang, now I've been pranked.

Let's just get to the get to.

There's someone that wants to talk to you.

GWEN: Hey, what's up? This is Gwen from No Doubt.

TOM: Hey, this is Tom from No Doubt.

ADRIAN: Hey, how're you doing? This is Tony from IVo Doubt.

TONY: That's not Tony, that was Adrian.

I'm Tony from No Doubt.

GWEN: Sorry we can't talk.

But we gotta call Lubbock and tell them they lost to Arlen High.

Congratulations, you guys.

See you at the prom.

You still in there, Peggy? What are you doing? LUANNE: Uncle Hank, is that you? I really need someone to talk to.

Uncle Hank.

Okay, Dale.

You win.

I need to use your port-a-room.

So, now Mr.

I'll-Only-Share-A-Toilet-With-My-Wife wants to share one with us.

Well, take a walk, toilet snob.

Hold on, Bill.

Here at Port-a-Gribble, we reserve the right to refuse service to no one.

No shirt, no shoes yes service.

Flowers.

He's a squatter.

[Ride With Me by Nelly playing]

All right, what are we water-ballooning? - Cows? - Even better.

Tonight's the middle-school prom.

BOBBY: As high-schoolers, we should be doing something way cooler than this.

Bowling's on me.

We can steal shoes.

KIM: Oh, thanks.

Run, Dooley.

- No! - You got soaked.

Well, you're just jealous because it's Friday night and we have dates.

Hey, hamster girl, what are you doing here? - She's-- - In middle school.

Middle school? Yeah.

The Compound W dissolved the rest of my tail.

They thought middle school would be less stressful after you know, losing my tail and all.

Okay.

So, you're, like all normal now? Yes.

I'm cured.

Good.

Because otherwise I'd feel bad about this.

Get out of the way.

If you want to hit a middle-schooler, you might as well hit me.

What? This is my real school.

I am a middle-schooler.

He's so lame.

Let's soak him.

ANTHONY: Yeah, soak in it.

Soak in your lies, kidney boy.

Come on, Connie.

Let's go inside.

- Hold on, Joseph.

- Oh, that's it.

I can't take these mind games anymore.

You're gonna have to choose right now.

Is it him or me? What? Bobby is my boyfriend.

You know that.

I'm still your boyfriend? Really? Yes, but because you were such a jerk, I don't have prom tickets.

So, I'm going with Joseph.

Cool.

Joseph understands that you only went to the prom with him to get back at me, right? I don't really think he does.

It's actually a bit of a mess.

ANTHONY: Hey, kidney boy.

- A prom ticket? - Yeah.

We got to thinking that you did help us win.

And No Doubt heard about the kidney boy.

So, you had better be there.

And you had better look sick.

Oh, I'll be there.

On one condition.

[Don't Speak by No Doubt playing]

Hey, aren't you kidney boy? No, sir.

I'm not.

Kidney boy is gone for good.

Kidney boy d*ed.

He's gone.

What's up, Arlen High? I just got some terrible news.

This next song is dedicated to the memory of kidney boy.

Poor kidney boy.

PRINCIPAL: Conklin!