06x09 - The Bluegrass Is Always Greener

[bunniefuu]

I can't stand it anymore! I'm gonna grab that violin from Connie and smash it against a fire hydrant.

Bill, she started four-and-a-half beers ago.

She can't possibly go on much longer.

Please, Lord, give her a cramp.

If it's thy will.

Oh.

We're low on beer.

What you doing, Hank? Going to the crossroads to sell your soul? No.

I just thought we might want a musical change of pace in the alley.

I want to hear Puff, the Magic Dragoi, Play that one.

I like it.

Play it.

Bill, do you have any idea what that song is about? It's about a dragon.

We're grown men.

Here, how about Party's over, Hank.

It's the music police, a.

k.

a.

Little Miss Bummer.

Don't stop.

I like it.

The only time I heard music like that was at Disney World when we passed the Country Bear Jamboree.

But my dad pushed me into the Hall of Presidents.

- Could you play it again? - Well, sure.

Well, all right then.

Wow! This violin did that? When you're playing bluegrass, you call it a fiddle, Connie.

Violin.

I gotta go.

My dad has this joke.

How do you get into the Van Cliburn Summer Orchestra? Practice.

Well, it used to be a joke.

Now he just screams it.

Who's Van Cliburn? Texas' own Van Cliburn is a classical pianist Kahn's making her play classical, but the girl's got a natural talent for bluegrass.

Everybody in the alley thought so.

And you know Boomhauer is a music snob.

Well, the strange thing is people with that much talent - rarely amount to anything.

- Interesting fact.

Connie and I always had a dream of playing Carnegie Hall to showcase our talents.

I'd open with a tight 40-minute set of observational comedy and poo jokes.

And then she'd close with a violin concerto for the bluehairs.

But I think fiddling could take Connie even further than Carnegie Hall.

That's if she grows up pretty enough.

Those Dixie Chicks have really raised the bar.

Okay! Very good.

Much better.

Take a break from your Mozart.

- Thanks, Dad.

- Sure, yeah, yeah, no problem.

And while you're relaxing, you will read about Mozart! Learn about the man.

Get inside his head.

Any child prodigy can play But you only one who will know what it really mean.

Okay, yeah.

I bought this level at a yard sale.

I'm afraid the price was too good to be true.

Test it on my stomach.

It's flat as a pancake.

Eh? Hey, Mr.

Hill.

My dad won't be back for an hour.

He's getting his hair dyed.

I wasn't supposed to tell anybody that.

You want to throw down with a hoedown? - I'll get my guitar.

- I'll get my washboard.

I'll go get my string bass, which is really a keyboard.

Hey, man.

I'm gonna go get my banjo.

Or maybe I'll go get that little old accordion, man.

What do you think, now? No, I'll go with the banjo, man.

Let's go.

One, two, three.

Hey, man.

I'm gonna go now.

I'm gonna take a verse right now.

Bobby, put that down.

That's the jug I keep stuff in.

Saw that thing, Connie.

Oh! Sorry.

I didn't mean to get into it.

No, no.

It's my fault, Connie.

I told you to saw.

So, you're just going to re-string it, huh? I told her to throw it out.

Well, this little girl doesn't look like she could hold a fiddle let alone break a string.

Hey, how about a little Twiikle, Twiikle? Oh, gee! She's good! You ever think about taking her to Branson? You think she's Branson-good? Well, hell, yeah.

They got these fiddle contests there.

I used to judge them till they found out I was taking bribes.

Boy, the best players in the world go to Branson.

You thinking what I'm thinking? Could I wear a sundress and play in my bare feet? Heck, I might kick off my shoes and join you.

And we could be your backup band.

The Dale Gribble Bluegrass Experience.

Hmm.

- I like it.

- Oh, no! I'm gonna be in Fort Worthless that weekend auditioning for Van Boring.

Well, that's a kick in the teeth.

Bobby! Okay.

Stop! Kahn Jr.

! What is that noise you're making? It sounds like you're k*lling a seagull with a bagpipe.

It's bluegrass, Kahn.

Music made in America.

And whether you like it or not, your daughter's a natural.

And I'm having more fun than a dog up a bone tree.

That's how you say "it's fun" in bluegrass.

That inbred music is designed so only people with six fingers can play it! Your path is Van Cliburn Camp to Harvard to New York Philharmonic.

Not hay wagon to Hee Haw! Time to pack! We love you, honey.

Phone as soon as you get to host family in Fort Worth.

Remember to give him the pineapple.

Practice on bus! Aw! Mr.

Hill? My dad said I could go to Branson.

How fast do you think you can get The Dale Gribble Bluegrass Experience back together? Probably after they finish their beers.

Hey, guys, don't open a new one! We're going to Branson! - We're going to Branson! - Yeah, we're really going to go now! Come on, Dale.

You don't need two suitcases.

They're my jumpsuits.

That's what the people come to see.

Bobby, I can't baby-sit you and Bill.

And he's in the band.

Bill, spit that out.

I'm coming with you.

Yakov Smirnoff is in Branson and he's a stepping stone to my comedy-writing future.

All right.

But you better sleep the whole way.

- We'll be careful.

- What do I care? - Hi, Dad.

Fort Worth is great.

- What's the competitioi like? - Is Tim Woo there? - Yeah but he hurt his hand stealing a Coke from the Coke machine.

Hey, Connie, is my tongue blue? - Who's that? - It's Tim Woo.

His tongue is blue.

- Dad, I got to go practice some more.

- Yes, Go practice, - Okay, Dad.

I love you.

- Stop talkiig, Go practice, The key to writing a good Yakov Smirnoff joke is picturing yourself arriving in America and noticing that it is different from Russia.

Yeah.

And when Yakov says "I reckon" and "y'all" in his accent I just lose it.

It's brilliant, really.

The only thing "brilliant, really," about Yakov Smirnoff is that he's a KGB spy.

He's been sending US secrets back to mother Russia while tourists are seduced by his fake comedy act.

Although his beard is real.

Oh, this joke will k*ll.

You wanna hear it? No, not really.

The band needs to practice till we're perfect.

I don't want to tarnish our reputation before we have one.

Okay, but first I want to hear the joke.

Here goes.

In America, you put "In God We Trust" on your money.

In Russia, we have no money! Oh! Come on, focus.

Does anybody remember why we're going to Branson? - Fiddle contest! - And to have fun! I mean, even in math camp we played chess.

Yes, yes, we're going to have fun.

But you know what's not fun? Being ill-prepared.

Okay.

One, two, three, four.

All right, everybody.

Cough up $2 and we'll be officially entered.

No turning back now.

Hey, it's 4:50.

You think it's too late to get seats for the 5:00 Yakov? Well, maybe you can get Yakov to write you an autograph.

"Dear Dale, hope the show was worth "throwing away that young girl's musical career.

"Yours truly, Yakov.

" Can do, will do.

Come on, Connie.

Okay, Connie, just tell them you're not interested so they'll drop it.

- Well - See? She's not interested.

Where do we put the gift? Mess up her bed and hide it underneath her pillow.

And when she come home from audition, we'll scream at her "Kahn Jr.

! Clean up your filthy room!" And when she cleans it up, that's when she finds the Limoges violin.

"Bill Monroe"? "The Foggy Mountain Boys"? - Minh, have you seen this p*rn? - Don't worry.

She's in Fort Worth.

- We throw it out before she gets back.

- Wait a minute.

Tim Woo hates Coca-Cola! Connie's in Branson! I've been learning English for 20 years.

Now, I move to the Ozarks, I have to start all over again.

Mel Tillis is teaching me English.

It's taking a lot longer than I expected.

Yakov Smirnoff is not my real name.

It used to be Jack Daniels.

Mr.

Smirnoff, I would one day like to be a comedian like yourself.

I've written an "in America and in Russia" joke for you that I think is very funny.

Hey, kid, I don't tell Russian jokes for last 10 years.

Now, I do jokes about relationships and things I observe.

I'll give you $20 American.

Keep them coming.

Why did you do that? Save the sweet-guy act for the tourists, Nikolai.

The CIA will be here momentarily.

I called them during the Statue of Liberty dance number.

Are you okay? - My left eye really burns.

- He's faking it, Bobby.

It's all part of his act, which, by the way, is very funny.

There he is.

Security, we have a situatioi ii the lobby, Yakov was so funny.

He should be the center square.

I'm so sick of Whoopi.

Oh, and we got to meet him after the show.

Great guy.

Where have you guys been? I've had to deal with the Bluegrass Brothers all by myself.

They've been staring at me, twiddling their beards and trying to psych me out.

Dad, I sold my joke to Yakov! I'm a professional comedy writer! Look, I told you to stay out of my wallet.

- The Dale Gribble Bluegrass Experience? - Yo, man.

Y'on after the Harris Twins.

One holds the fiddle while the other holds the bow.

They're good.

Oh, God.

Well, this is it, Connie.

Your dream to become a professional bluegrass musician.

- Don't blow it.

- My dream? - Mr.

Hill-- - Come on, Connie, focus.

- Rosin up your bow and focus.

- No! No more rosin.

No more of your "see the fiddle, be the fiddle" rhetoric.

I don't want to be a professional bluegrass musician.

I quit.

And I quit, too, even though I'm not in the band! What? Where are you going? The twins are finishing.

Connie! Well, I saw that coming.

Yet I did nothing to stop it.

Why do I fear success? Maybe Connie ran off 'cause of stage fright.

Okay.

I'm not afraid to say it.

We're a novelty band without Connie.

It's gonna be fine.

You guys just stall the audience until I get her back.

Boomhauer, you're good at stage patter.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll give a little bit of the old, "Hey, man "how're you doing in Branson, man? Let me hear you say, 'yeah!'" Good.

Perfect.

Do that.

All right, guys.

You kidnapped my daughter and took her across state lines to play hillbilly music against her will.

I've been looking for a reason to put you in jail and now I have it! What are you talking about? You gave her permission to come with us.

Never! I make sure she practice Mozart get into Van Cliburn, then lvy League orchestra.

From there, she play Paris, Rome then I take her back to my hometown of Louangphrabang and stick it up their nose! - That's why she ran away from you.

- Oh? She'd rather play bluegrass and win this contest and then get a record deal and open up the Connie Souphanousinphone Theater and I'm a jackass.

Stop stating the obvious! Where is my daughter? I don't know.

I'm sure she's fine.

She's with Bobby.

Great! That narrows it down.

Now all we have to do is check every free buffet in town.

How about this one? I've been working out with weights.

Every time someone says, "Let's work out," I say, "Wait.

" That's funny, Bobby.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just I'm sick of our dads putting pressure on me.

At least they're paying attention.

It feels like I'm always playing to an empty house.

You know what I'd love to do? Run away to the Appalachian Mountains and play bluegrass all day long with people who know that music is about having fun.

People who sing and smile even though they're poor and their faces are smudged with coal.

And I can wear overalls with no shirt and tell jokes about the high cost of mules! Let's do it! The Dale Gribble Bluegrass Experience? You're up.

They're not here, they're locked in a vault.

- What? - Hold on! Screw Connie.

I got us an even better fiddle player.

May I present to you Mr.

Charlie Daniels? Where's this young fiddle player whose final wish was to meet me? Well, actually, you're too late, but her other final wish was that you would play with us her favorite song on that stage now.

So, what do I tell her parents? Tell them I'll play till my fiddle catches fire.

The bus for Hollister will be departiig ii 20 miiutes, Oh! We can't afford bus tickets.

We only have enough money for a T-shirt or a row of seats at the Andy Williams show.

Well, I could go for either, but it's up to you.

Bobby, we are gonna be in Appalachia by sundown.

Why do we do it, Kahn? Why do we push Connie so hard? I do it because she has a lot of talent and I want what's best for her.

You do it Well, frankly, I'm flummoxed.

Back off.

Push Bobby.

He doesn't like sports.

He doesn't play an instrument.

- There's nothing to push him into.

- Yeah.

- He gonna be a loser, all right.

- Now, hold on.

Bobby's not a loser.

Say that again and I'll pop you in the chops.

Okay, okay.

One hillbilly starts swinging, soon the whole town join in.

For your information, a lot of people think Bobby's funny.

The kid's only 13 years old and he's already sold a joke to this Yakov Smirnoff.

- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.

"In America, they put 'ln God We Trust' on the money.

"In Russia, they have no money.

" That's funny.

I hate Russia.

Yeah.

Yeah, that is a good joke.

It's Branson-good.

Oh, damn you, Hank Hill! I can't get that song out of my head.

Here it goes again.

She's playing on the streets for lousy tourists! She should be playing at Royal Albert Hall for Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles.

Oh, come on, Kahn.

I bet you never knew she could smile and play at the same time.

Maybe one day, you can be our opening act.

Connie Souphanousinphone, everyone! She's only 13! That's him.

Use force if you need to.

Help, Charlie! Help, somebody! I like it,