06x16 - Beer and Loathing

[bunniefuu]

Yup.

Yup.

Mmm-hmm.

Yup.

Mmm-hmm.

-All right, there's the man of the hour.

-Give it, give it, give it.

Dang it, Bill.

You were supposed to buy the beer! I went to the Mega Lo Mart.

They were all out of Alamo.

Did you look hard? If you guys think I'm so stupid that I can't tell when a store is out of beer you're welcome to go there and see for yourself.

They are out of Alamo.

The whole state's out of Alamo.

I already told you that this morning.

Well, if you had come back to the alley with me like I had asked.

[Beeping.]

I have a good mind to put my fist through this thing.

You probably forgot to put in the code.

-Oh, right, the code.

What is it again? -Are you a full-time teacher? Well, today, I'm a full-time Spanish teacher.

So you're a sub.

I'm sorry, they only trust full-timers with the code.

We've had problems with frivolous use.

How many copies do you need? Twenty copies of the Spanish quiz, and 100 of these.

And that is? I'm selling a bike.

""Hi Brau""? I can't drink this.

You know I only drink Alamo.

And you know all the stores are out of it.

But nobody knows why.

Hey, Mom, remember that Alamo hotline we called when I got the pop-top stuck on my big toe? It should be easier to call this time without you screaming in my ear.

OPERATOR: Hello aid thaik you for calliig Alamo Beer, For Eiglish, press "oie, " Para coitiiuar ei español, oprima el iúmero dos, I've never been indignant in Spanish before.

WOMAN: Hola, Alamo Beer, PEGGY: Hola, Peggy Hill, Much gracias, señorita, Ustedflatter me.

Well, adiós, Great news, Hank.

I just hung up with Alamo.

What'd they say? What happened to all the beer? Right, the shortage.

It didn't come up.

That's even better.

You'll be on the inside working in the same facility as brewmaster Conrad ""Skip"" Meinhoffer lV.

You can ask him what's going on with the beer.

This is your V.

A.

P.

card.

It designates you as a Very Alamo Person.

It gets you into all the restricted, employee-only areas of Alamo.

This will be your desk.

Welcome to the Alamo family.

Well, it's a little early, but what the hell.

No, Peggy.

This is your box of Ala-mementos.

Alamo mug, Alamo hat, Alamo key chain and a ""Don't Drink and Drive"" T-shirt.

Are these items available to the general public? -Nope.

-Then I will treasure them.

[Groaning.]

DALE: Bill, you have to make a decision.

We got Red Lager, Pale Ale, Amber Nut, Honey Bee-- I don't know.

I'm too old to learn all this stuff.

Guys, guys, great news.

Peggy got a job at Alamo.

She'll find out what's going on with our beer.

[Cheering.]

I'll tell you what's going on with our beer.

They've sold it to the Japanese, who will change the formula and repackage it in square bottles that will only fit cup-holders in Japanese cars.

-Changing the formula? I don't like change.

-Now, just calm down.

The bond between a beer company and its loyal drinkers is sacred.

There's no way they'd tamper with something that won the Munich Beer Festival of 1849.

Peggy will be home any minute, and then we'll know.

You know, Theresa, this Alamo mug and Alamo hat and Alamo key chain get me to thinking.

What has happened to all the Alamo Beer? I'd be happy to tell you.

But first I'm gonna need your Jane Hancock on this.

""Non-disclosure agreement.

"" Now that you're part of the Alamo family you're going to be trusted with some of the family secrets.

We need to know that those secrets will stay in the family.

I have never had a problem keeping a secret.

Ask any of the gay teachers I've worked with, which you couldn't because I would not tell you who they were.

-So, what's the skinny? -Well.

[Car horn honking.]

Hey! All right! Come on, guys.

Get away from the car.

Alamo employee coming through.

Gentlemen, the mystery is solved.

-What did you find out? -Please, Peggy.

-Unfortunately, that is all I can tell you.

-What? Why? As a new member of the Alamo family, I signed a non-disclosure agreement which means that while I am privy to company secrets, I cannot reveal them.

Don't worry.

I'll get to the bottom of this.

So, I was thinking you want to go ahead and tell me what's going on? You know I cannot.

Sure you can.

I am sorry, Hank.

Alamo trusts me not to tell you their secrets.

Just as you trust me not to tell them about your narrow urethra.

And believe me, I had the perfect opportunity.

I'll get out the foot lotion.

-Oh, stop begging.

-Come on.

You have a temp job one day and it's more important than a 20-year marriage? What about no secrets, huh? ""Till death do us part""? Think about that, Peggy.

Death.

[Peggy sighs.]

Okay, but you have to promise not to tell anyone.

-I promise, I promise.

-Seriously.

You can't tell the guys.

I could lose my job for telling just you.

And I already have 23 cents in my pension plan.

[Sighing.]

They are not changing the formula.

They are trying to sell more beer in Mexico.

So they sent all of last month's production run down there.

But not to worry.

Alamo Beer will be back on the shelves in five days.

Oh, Peggy, that's great news.

The guys and I can probably get to Mexico-- No, Hank! You can't tell the guys and you can't go to Mexico! All right, fine.

But you can't stop me from dreaming about it.

Do not tell me what I can and cannot do.

Did she tell you, Hank? Tell me, tell me, tell me.

I'll hold my breath if you don't tell me.

[lnhaling.]

He'll pass out before he dies.

He always does.

Sorry, guys.

I promised Peggy I wouldn't say anything.

Who would have thought Hank would put some flash-in-the-pan wife before 30 years of friendship? Yeah, man.

You're talking about no secrets, man.

This is just like when we were kids, man.

Old skinned knees, you know, first crushes, man.

Lemonade stand, little old tree house, and the.

[Sighing.]

[Bill thudding.]

Man, if you can't trust no people in this alley, man I wouldn't want to be alive, man.

You and your guilt trips, Boomhauer.

But, I promised Peggy I wouldn't tell so don't give me those basset-hound eyes.

After every call write down where they called from and what the problem is.

If there's ever a caller you can't handle, just press this button.

That will hang up on them.

Hola, Alamo Beer, Qué es su problema? Vomitaido, Vomitaido? Sí, él vomitó, la diarrhea, la nausea.

What in Carmen Sandiego is going on in Mexico? Yeah, man, you know, just like you said in my yearbook, man ""We're gonna be dang old friends for life,"" man.

""Good luck.

Good luck this summer.

"" And you said, you'd dang-- All right, all right.

I give.

But you guys can't tell anyone.

-You got it.

-No one to tell.

They're temporarily diverting beer down to Mexico.

Alamo will be back on the shelves in five days.

Five days.

We can wait that long.

Easy.

-Let's go to Mexico! -Yeah, man! Let's go down to that dang old Mexico, man.

Shh.

-I got shotgun.

-Yeah! Theresa, there is something you should see here.

Look.

""Vomiting, diarrhea, nausea.

Vomiting, diarrhea, nausea.

"" All of these calls were from Mexicans.

Now, their Spanish wasn't great, but I was able to gather that they got sick after drinking Alamo.

Thanks for bringing this to my attention.

That shows incredible initiative.

Here.

You've earned an ""Alamo Can Do"" pin.

Collect five of these and you get a mini flashlight.

A flashlight? Wow! I will think of you every time something falls behind the couch.

-Oh.

And about the vomiting? -Right.

It seems that a tiny bit of soap got into some of the machinery during the production run we sent to Mexico.

It's our fault for wanting to give people the cleanest beer they can buy.

But rest assured, no one is in any real danger.

Oh, thank goodness.

So I can just tell the callers that the soap-- No! Our Corporate Affairs Department is working 24/7 to determine the best way to handle the recall announcements.

So, for the time being.

Shh.

I don't mean to sound r*cist but this is by far the best selection of beans I have ever seen.

I'm serious.

-Tacos! Can I buy one? -No.

How about some pigs' feet? They look clean.

No.

No food.

You're gonna get sick.

And this isn't some two-mile ride home from a pie-eating contest.

How about a banana? It comes in its own wrapper.

Fine.

Por favor, cervezas Alamo? Wow! [Rooster crowing.]

Yup.

-Yup.

-Yup.

One beer's not gonna hurt my driving.

Look how fat I am.

Sorry, Bill.

That's what you get for having a mouthful of banana when we all said ""not it.

"" HANK: Dang those bananas.

DALE: Step on it, Bill.

I don't know which way it's coming out, but it's coming out.

[Groaning.]

Stage oie complete, Finally.

Yup.

So how was everyone's day? Pretty boring.

You know, watched some.

Oh, God.

I had an interesting encounter with a mosquito today.

Wait, let me back up.

It was lunchtime and.

Then I said to the nurse, ""No, I'm not sure it was a mosquito ""but it was some sort of bug that bit me and now I itch.

"" Long story short, calamine lotion.

Hank, why aren't you eating? I'm savoring it and going to the bathroom.

The two are not related.

[Hank groaning.]

-What are you doing? -Just had to [Hank farting.]

comb.

Honey, are you sick? Yeah.

All right, I admit it.

I got this diarrhea and vomiting.

Hank, if you can hear me over your own noises where did you go today? -I went with the guys down to Mexico.

-You went to Mexico? [Gasping.]

My beer.

Peggy, have you lost your mind? Oh, so now I'm insane? You broke a promise to me.

A promise you made in the bed where I conceived our son.

That is insane.

Okay, I'm sorry I blabbed to the guys.

But the beer is already here.

There's no sense in pouring it down the drain and back to Mexico.

-Hank, you cannot drink it.

-Why the hell not? I got diarrhea from Mexican bananas trying to get this Alamo.

You're just punishing me because I told the guys the beer was down there.

It is not that.

You are just gonna have to trust me more than I can trust you.

I wish I could say more but I cannot.

This tiny flashlight symbolizes the huge amount of trust that Alamo has placed in me.

My God! You care more about your stupid confidentiality agreement than your own husband.

And you care more about your friends and your beer than you do about my stupid confidentiality agreement.

Besides, it's for your own good.

For my own.

What am l, some kind of baby? Well, baby wants a beer.

Fine, Hank, drink up.

Where does Peggy get off being so mad at me? Yes, I broke her confidence and lied about it but she, well, she.

She's still keeping something from me.

Exactly, Hank.

She.

[Vomiting.]

Damn that filthy Mexican banana! Don't blame the bananas.

I ate more than anyone, peels included.

And I didn't get sick until hours after you guys did.

We had bananas and beer.

We came home.

What else could have made us sick? Oh, my God, the beer! And Peggy knew.

[Bill farting.]

-Hello, Peggy.

-Oh! Oh, hi, Hank.

You remember that old Alamo Beer commercial? The one where the father and son have a fight over who dented the car and then they make up over a cold Alamo? Well, Peggy, I dented your trust.

And I want to make up.

Well, that's okay, Hank.

I forgive you.

Please, after what I've done to you, you deserve it.

Unless there's a reason you don't want to drink it.

There's no.

I can't think of a.

[Peggy laughing nervously.]

[Peggy groaning.]

My wife lies to me, my beer company betrays me Americans are giving Mexicans diarrhea.

What the hell's going on here? This is just a stomach flu, which you gave me.

Thanks a lot, Hank.

Where are you going, to put some laxative in Bobby's Cocoa Puffs? I am off to work where I can vomit without being accused.

What is going on with the recall announcement? I have seen nothing about it in the beverage trade magazines in the ladies' room.

It turns out, according to Mexican law the market that sold tainted beer could be held responsible.

And if those markets are shut down where will the people of Mexico buy food for their children? Alamo is against child starvation, Peggy.

We always have been.

How about you? Well, of course.

But I'm also against people with diarrhea.

Isn't there any way to warn them? Oh, Peggy.

I know what you're going through.

That's why I married someone in the company, a barley man.

Hola, Alamo Beer, Sí, Sí, él vomitó, Sí, sí, la diarrhea.

Excuse me, I demand to see Mr.

Meinhoffer lV.

I'm sorry, sir, but without an appointment-- I know you're just trying to do your job but there is no way you were trained to deal with a customer as dissatisfied as I am.

I want to open the board meeting tomorrow with a joke.

Not to tie your hands, but maybe something about a giraffe? Mr.

Meinhoffer lV? I'm Hank Hill, Strickland Propane.

For the last 20 years, Alamo has been a part of my family Iike a favorite uncle who lives in the refrigerator.

But you knowingly sold tainted beer to the good people of Mexico.

That is not a crime, but it should be.

Now, I would like an apology.

Mr.

Strickland, Alamo Beer is not your uncle.

We are not your family.

We are a Delaware limited liability corporation and the beer we sell in Mexico is as pure as the beer we sell in America.

What? He's lying.

So unless you are one of our shareholders we don't owe you anything, especially an apology.

We will not stand by while you libel our product with your baseless accusations.

Now, I am not a litigious man.

That's why I have lawyers.

-Are you threatening me? -I don't thr*aten people.

That's why I have security guards.

You're kicking me out? Okay, fine.

I'm kicking you out of my refrigerator.

Bobby, put down that tainted beer.

I was hoping it would not have to come to this but, it looks like I have to take down the system.

Paychecks coming through.

-Thank God it's Alamost Friday, huh? -Yeah.

[Elevator bell dinging.]

So, the freaking giraffe orders a beer and the bartender says ""You want a long neck?"" And the giraffe goes ""l have a choice?"" [Men laughing.]

MElNHOFFER: This beer's fresh off the line.

We've already shipped it all over Texas.

Oh, God! [Coughing.]

[Toilet flushing.]

Hi, I'm Conrad Meinhoffer lV, CEO of Alamo Brewing Company.

Kids, run along and play.

Daddy needs to talk to his friends.

It has come to my atteitioi that some of our fiie product,,, was well below Bavariai purity staidards aid I let it get to you aiyway, As of today, I am orderiig a complete recall of all the Alamo Beer,,, ii both Mexico aid the Uiited States, If we're lucky eiough to get your busiiess back, it woi 't happei agaii, Because we're iot just a compaiy, we're a family aid we're sorry, There.

I don't understand why that was so hard.

But why couldn't he just apologize to my face? Well, sometimes, when people are confronted with their mistakes they're too embarrassed to admit they're wrong.

Especially proud people, your successful businessmen your educators, your substitute educators.

-I'm sorry, Hank.

-No, Peggy, I'm sorry.

Hey, look.

There's Hops, the dog.

PEGGY: Actually, the real Hops d*ed five years ago.

It's one of the company secrets.

Pass it on.

BOOMHAUER: Lemoiade staids, old little tree house,