06x17 - Fun with Jane and Jane

[bunniefuu]

Well, looky who's still here.

My loyal Hank.

By God, you look handsome today! - Well, thank you, sir.

- You're welcome.

Now, I need you to do me a favor tonight.

I can't tonight, sir.

Peggy and I have plans.

Romantic in nature.

Cancel them! You gotta run to my farm, feed my emus for me! Here, feed them with this.

- You want me to sh**t your emus? - I got no choice.

Bottom fell out of the emu market and I'm stuck on the ass of the pyramid.

- But, sir-- - I want them emus dead, Hank! Make it look like a heart att*ck.

- Hi, Luanne.

- It's game night! I brought the mat from Twister, the spinner from Life most of Operation, and a few Monopoly pieces.

Can we play that? Please, please, please? Oh, I'm so sorry, Luanne, but I made plans with your uncle tonight.

I'm finally gonna cash in that I-owe-you-one-dinner coupon he gave me for our anniversary.

But we play games together every Friday night.

Luanne, you're in college.

You should meet some people your own age.

I fear I am becoming your incredibly fun crutch.

Well, I have seen a lot of signs on campus for sorority rush week.

Oh, good.

Sororities are a great place to make friends.

Now, I have never had the need to join a formal society to make friends.

But then again, I've never used a dating service or a cookbook.

I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna rush! - You want me to get that? - No.

You got Peggy.

Peggy, I kiow it's bad customer service to caicel oi such short iotice, ,, but I have to do ai erraid for Mr, Stricklaid toiight, If you could see my face right now you would kiow that I have iever beei more disappoiited, ,, or more beautifully made-up, Jeez, Peggy, I'm really sorry.

- Why don't you call Nancy? - No.

Like, I'll just Luanne! Luanne! Oh, damn it! I'll make it up to you, You cai alter that oie-diiier coupoi to two diiiers, ,, aid I'll iiitial it whei I get home, It's you and me tonight, Bobby.

You want to hit the air hockey table? - You got what it takes? - I can't tonight.

Joseph and I are having a guys' night out.

The last time you came, it was kind of weird.

Loig have I cherished Zeta Sigma Tau I'll pledge my love both thei aid iow So if you asked, I'd tell you how I love my Zeta-- Oh, let's sing Lady Marmalade next.

I know the words.

And this is where we sleep.

Although we don't get a lot of that done.

We mostly stay up late talking about what we'd eat if we weren't dieting.

Zeta Sigma Tau! Questions? A guy on the football team said that all Zeta Sigma Tau girls were sluts.

Is that true? Because I can't join if that's true.

- Zeta Sigma Tau? - Oh, my God! Kathryn, I have a question.

You're a legacy? My mother and grandmother were sisters at Texas Tech.

Your mother and grandmother were sisters? sh**t! Your family's more messed up than mine! So, was your mother in a house? Well, she's been in a halfway house, and in the big house.

She stabbed my daddy in the back with a fork.

I wanna thank you guys for giving up time with your family and loved ones - to help me k*ll these emu.

- No problem.

As a professional exterminator, I'm a k*ller for hire.

And even though I'm a k*ller for hire, I'm doing this pro boio, That means I get the bones.

I know a Chinese guy who uses them to get erections.

Oh, they're beautiful! How do you like that? It's eating out of my hand.

Hello, fella.

It tickles.

Hank, I can't k*ll something that tickles me.

Cowards! Move away from the emu.

I can't do it! Yes, I can.

No, I can't! It's too damn majestic! Wait, I found the strength.

Oh, who am I kidding? Hey, is that one laughing at me? No, he's still being majestic.

Or is he? Hey, did you just break up with your boyfriend? Girlfriend? I just got thrown out of a stupid sorority by a bunch of rich, stuck-up, cool girls with great clothes who think they're just so hot because they don't have mamas in jail! Your mother is in jail? Wow! It's amazing that you're in college and not trying to mug me or sell me dr*gs right now.

I think so, too! - I'm Jane.

- Luanne.

You know who'd really get you? The girls at the Omega House.

That's where I live.

Maybe it's just me but I like being somewhere where people aren't snooty and mean - but they like you for who you are.

- Yes.

People should be liked for who they are.

You know, you'd look so much better with your hair just thrown off to the side a little bit.

Funny bone for $400.

I am sorry.

I have done all I can.

Aunt Peggy, guess what? I'm in a sorority.

This girl Jane said that I was a natural-born Omega and wanted me to move right in! I'll never have to waste another Friday night playing games with you ever again! It's done, sir.

Good job, Old Top.

I'll see you at work.

Hey, I could use that.

- Did he buy it? - I can't believe I lied to my boss.

I should have done the honest thing and m*rder*d the emus.

Oh, look at Fuzzy.

He looks like he's driving.

- Hi, Jane.

- Luanne! This is the sad girl who drinks alone on campus, that I told you about.

Wicked! I'm so glad you came.

Stand back while I disarm the gate.

Go on in.

I'll grab your bags.

Lisa, we are here to help you.

I'm not Lisa.

My name is Jane.

Let me go! Oh, my baby, we finally found you.

We gotta move.

This cult has lawyers out the ying-yang, and they know how to use them.

Omega House forever! Welcome to Omega House.

I am Jane.

This is Jane.

This is Jane, Jane, and Jane.

- What's your name? - Bonnie.

No, it's Jane.

Bonnie is the name your parents gave you.

Why should they get to tell you who you are? They don't own you.

- What's your name? - Jane.

We love you, Jane.

We love you, Jane.

We love you, Jane.

Come on, guys! How about a pillow fight? Omegas rule! - You! What's your name? - Luanne.

No, it's Jane.

No.

She's Jane.

I'm Luanne.

You're making this very difficult, Jane.

Here's a little trick I use to remember my name.

Okay, I think of a man named Lou, and then a woman named Anne.

They meet in a kingdom in the forest.

God, that is the worst-smelling feces I've ever smelled.

We've got to get rid of these emu before Mr.

Strickland finds out I lied to him.

No.

They're so cute.

How could anybody hurt something so huggable? Who's a good emu? Who's a good-- Oh, God! Don't let them get away! There's one! I got him! Why does everything I love run away from me? Because you have to pet everything like an idiot! Hank, guess what? I'm thinking about rekindling some old friendships.

I'm gonna call everyone who wrote "Have a nice summer" in my yearbook and tell them how it went.

You want to join me? Sorry, Peggy.

I've already got plans.

I I'm making Bobby a hammock.

Yeah.

This rope should work.

Who was that girl I used to make fun of in high school? Beth Berkovski, yes! Hey, Bersnotski! Guess who this is.

Good morning, Omegas.

Rice for breakfast? We had rice for dinner.

I'm losing weight 'cause I haven't had any meat! And I lose weight in my chest first.

You think you are hungry, but you're not.

Your body lies to you, just like your parents! But you can trust us.

We will tell you when you're hungry.

We will tell you when you're tired.

Will you tell me if I have to go to the bathroom right now? Because I feel like I do.

But a lot of times, when I get there, I don't.

- And I just sit there and hum-- - No! No bathroom! Number one and number two is something you did before you became an Omega.

We are going to take you someplace where you only go number three.

It's called the Omega Ranch.

This must be where we're going for spring break! The ranch is quiet and secluded so you can concentrate on making our famous jams and jellies.

They're so delicious especially when smeared on a piping hot English muffin.

The ranch is also where you'll get to meet Jane.

How's it going, ladies? I have a large meat-lover's pizza for Luanne.

Me! You have an independent streak that makes it very difficult for us to love you! Do you like it here? Well, it's cold.

And you won't let me sleep.

And you locked me in a closet.

But I've made a lot of new friends, so, yes! I can assign you 10 friends for life, or zero.

It's up to you.

Do you understand? I said, do you understand? Boy, if that guy on the bicycle hadn't hit it I don't know if we ever would have caught this fella.

Jams and jellies! Get your spreadable fruitsies! - Luanne? - Uncle Hank! If they catch me talking to you, they'll throw me in the closet again! Yes, sir.

We have blueberry.

I'm so tired and hungry.

Tastes delicious on muffins, bagels, or crackers.

And they haven't let me pee-pee in two days.

I think they're trying to drive me crazy! Are you drunk? If your sorority has to sell jelly to buy beer, you're drinking too much.

Now get in the back.

I'm taking you home.

And, no, you are not tripping.

That is an emu.

- Go, go, go! - Hey! Kidnap! Kidnap! They'd wake me up in the middle of the night just to yell at me.

They must really hate me.

Oh, Luanne, all sororities do hazing.

The harder it is, the stronger the friendships.

Why do you think POWs are always having reunions? I just opened the garage door and something big and feathery ran out.

Oh, God! I said I wanted a pony! Luanne, have you ever wondered why I spend every Friday night with you? Because I challenge you with my intellectual.

It is because I never joined a sorority.

I never got the chance to make lifelong friends who might drop by to drink flavored coffees dish about boyfriends and my beauty secrets.

Now, it's not like I am without people I recognize at the supermarket but that's just not the same.

Now, come on, get in the car.

I'm gonna take you back.

I don't know who she is.

We've never seen her before.

Please! Just give Luanne another chance! I didn't like your jam at first, but I gave it a second chance.

So, you brought her back? How would you like to come in for some rice? As an organization that promotes love and unity Omega House appreciates a mother as caring as you are.

I am too young to be Luanne's mother.

I am her aunt.

I wish I could jump in your head and crawl around.

- Well.

- You seem like a fascinating individual.

- You are probably very popular.

- Actually, no.

It's like I was trying to tell this guy in the soup aisle yesterday.

I call him "Soupy.

" It's difficult to find people you can really connect with.

Well, people of high intellect often intimidate people.

And you are of high intellect, Peggy no matter what you've been told by your husband.

No.

- Your father.

- Not really.

Mother.

How did you know? Because we love you! We love you, Jane.

We love you, Jane.

Okay, so we'll have your tanks filled by tomorrow.

Now, would you mind answering our customer-service survey? Have you seen any emu in your yard or adjoining property? Hank! I need you to dig up them emu and drop them off at my insurance company.

Dang pencil-pushers won't pay my claim without the corpus delicti, Apparently my grief ain't proof enough.

Hello? Hank, great news.

My new best friend Jane took Luanne back and invited me to sleep over.

- I didi 't have a iightgowi, ,, - Hank! ,, ,but the Omegas gave me a jumpsuit just like all the other girls, Oh! God dang it, I gotta run! Have fun, Peggy.

You know what I love about this place? Nobody ever gets tired of hearing about me.

My hobbies, favorite movies my deep-seated resentment towards my soul-crushing mother.

- I never want it to end.

- It never has to end, Aunt Jane.

See, once we get to the ranch, it's gonna be so beautiful and peaceful.

Just like a tanning bed.

You know, at first I thought I was dizzy from hunger.

Now I realize it is from bliss.

Okay.

We'll take two of the strip steaks three pounds of the ground chuck, and four emus.

- Oh, and could we get them sh*t, please? - Sorry.

We don't carry emu.

Okay.

Give me 75 pounds of beef.

And you got any extra beaks you could throw in there? Don't worry, Hank.

I got some beaks.

How about this? We didn't want to cruise around town with a truckload of dead emus so we had them butchered and packaged.

Mr.

Strickland will buy that, right? - Bill believed you, and he was there.

- Yeah.

But how am I gonna explain a $400 meat bill to Peggy? It's not even a three-day weekend.

It's a good thing she's on her ladies' sleepover at the Omega House.

Omega House, huh? I exterminated over at the Omega House once.

It's a cult, you know.

They paid me in jams and jellies.

What are you babbling about? Omega House is Luanne's sorority.

What I'm babbling about is how the Omega cult recruits unsuspecting young women from campus deprives them of protein, bathrooms and all contact with their families and friends then ships them off to a ranch for general enslavement.

Oh, God! Peggy! Excuse me.

Are y'all with the cult? We're not a cult.

We're an organization that promotes love and-- Yeah, this is it.

Peggy! Luanne! It's me, your husband and your uncle! We don't have any Peggys or Luannes.

You're thinking of Blonde Jane and Old Jane.

And they don't wanna see you.

Peggy! Luanne! - Old Jane! Blonde Jane! - It's too late.

They've been deprived of protein so long that their bodies are feeding off their own brains! They're nothing but soulless autonomatonamatons.

Booya! You drink.

This is a job for meat.

Janes, the bus is here.

Leave everything from your old lives behind.

Except work gloves.

You'll need those.

My arm! It's cramping! I'm down! Dang it, Dale! My wife is in there.

Keep fanning.

Peggy! You can't get on the bus! Trust me, you joined a cult! Jam, jelly.

Jam, jelly.

Jam, jelly.

Jam, jelly.

Come on.

Come on! I love it.

No! Do not listen to that he-person! He is on the wrong side of the love fence! This man looks like he could use some jam and jelly.

I'm sorry, Hank.

My new friends have invited me to spend eternity, I think, with them.

Well, all right.

Have fun, then.

But maybe you'd like a bite for the road.

Old Jane, get back here! My name is not Jane.

My name is Peggy! And I love meat! Can you smell that? Can you? Look! That guy's giving out food! I'm sorry! I'm just so freaking hungry! This one tickles, too.

That's funny.

I can't remember my name.

I think it starts with an "R.

" Wait.

It's Luanne.

Janes, come back! Jam, jelly.

Jam, jelly.

Jam, jelly.

Jam, jelly! Janes, come back! What Autoiomatoiomaiapotois,