06x18 - My Own Private Rodeo

[bunniefuu]

Hmmm.

-No.

-Oh, sh**t.

I just want this renewal of vows to be perfect.

[Sighs.]

Twenty years with Dale.

And one year since you stopped cheating on him with John Redcorn.

I can still wear white, can't l? Mmm.

Uh-uh.

But, sug', if I don't wear white, Dale might get suspicious.

And right now, the only ones who know about the affair are me, John Redcorn, and God.

And you, and Hank, and Bill, and Boomhauer and possibly Bobby, and, of course, John Redcorn's sister.

-She's got a mouth on her.

-Well, it's your funeral.

Just kidding.

It's your wedding, and it will be a dream come true.

Hey, bunnykins, how's my fiancée? I'm just running our guest list over to Peggy.

She is my re-maid of honor and all and she's been dying to use her calligraphy kit.

Odd, vexing.

My father's name is on the list.

Make sure his full name reads: ""Bug Gribble, womanizing jerk who is not invited to my re-wedding ""because I hate him.

"" Come on, sug', sometimes good people do bad things some of them for years and years.

Can't you forgive? [Stuttering.]

Need I remind you of what my father did on our wedding day? Need l? [Rock music playing.]

It was the most lavish potluck weddiig the ieighborhood had ever seei, Thanks for coming.

I'll let you all know how the deflowering went.

Full oflove ii my heart, aid weddiig beer ii my bladder,,, I weit iiside to use the restroom where I was coifroited by a horrible sight, [Retching.]

-Sorry.

-Rock 'n' roll, man.

Yeah, rock 'n'.

So, iaturally, I headed for the kitchei siik,,, aid that's where I saw it, [Sobbing.]

Damn you, Daddy.

[Sobbing.]

I loved my dad like a father and he betrayed me like a betrayer.

Please, Dale.

I want this re-wedding to be a fresh start for all of us.

If I can forgive him for tongue-stabbing me on my holy day, why can't you? He probably misses you, Dale.

I know I miss my dad.

I can't tell you how many nights he locked me in that rabbit hutch.

I deserved it, though.

I just couldn't listen.

My dad doesn't care about me.

He's the big rodeo star, going town to town delighting children and defiling women.

And right in the middle of the re-wedding I pop out of the cake with two sparklers.

I like it.

I like it a lot, except for the part about you.

But the cake part, now, that is an excellent idea.

Hey, sug's.

Imagine this.

A re-wedding cake.

Now, just let that sink in.

I have a favor to ask.

Would you bring this invite to Dale's dad? -Nancy-- -Hank, it's been 20 years.

Maybe Bug has changed.

I've changed.

If he has, invite him so he can give Dale away again.

If he hasn't, tell him I look great and to go to hell.

I don't know.

Bug's a cowboy.

How do you find a cowboy? In his last postcard, he said his rodeo was gonna be in Coburn, through the end of the month.

-Pretty please.

-Well, I guess I am the best man.

And with the joy of responsibility comes the burden of obligation.

I wonder why so many cowboys have mustaches.

Oh, my God, look.

The beer tent.

[YMCA by the Village People playing on sound system.]

I kind of like this song.

You know, the YMCA has terrific facilities.

Oooh.

Rainbows.

Where are all the ladies? Well, they're probably crowding around Dale's dad's trailer.

I'll bet half of these poor bastards are losing their gals right now.

ANNOUNCER: [On loudspeaker.]

Aid iext up ii the drag race it's Buttercup McGee,,, ii a fetchiig Aii Taylor suidress,,, aid he's out, Hey, that guy is wearing a dress.

Yeah, he must have lost some kind of crazy cowboy bet.

Boy, does he feel silly.

Aid Buttercup goes dowi, But doi 't go aiywhere, rodeo fais, Up iext, Bug Gribble,,, takes oi the meaiest goat ii Texas, Aid the fui is just begiiiiig here,,, at the gay rodeo! Did he just say, ""The gay rodeo""? Shut up, Bill.

Don't laugh.

They can hear you.

-Gay rodeo.

-Yeah, dang old blazing saddles, man.

Come on, guys.

Keep it together.

You're acting like a bunch of 12-year-olds.

This is a real sporting event.

I saw it on ESPN3.

That's where they parked poor Fran Tarkenton.

I don't get it.

Why would Bug be in a gay rodeo? Well, the guy's 60.

Maybe he couldn't make it on the regular circuit.

It's like those guys who have to play European basketball or Canadian football.

Aid iow, please direct your eyes,,, to the maii areia for the eveit of the day,,, Bug Gribble aid Madeleiie the goat, What the hell is Bug doing to that goat? Is he trying to put Iadies' undergarments on that animal? [Buzzer sounding.]

Thank you, girls.

I love you all! Oh, my God.

Dale's dad is gay.

Boomhauer, you wanna go get some cotton candy? That would make me happy, or should I say gay? Good one, man.

All right, they're gay.

Ha-ha-ha.

Now, here's trailer number seven.

We gotta go talk to Bug.

No, you go ahead, Hank.

Boomhauer and I are gonna go out in the parking lot and make out.

We're both men.

We're both men.

Dauterive, man.

You're on a roll, man.

Jerks.

No autographs! Unless I'm signing your chest.

-Hello, Mr.

Gribble.

-Little Hanky Hill.

Come in, come in, come in.

Eitrez-vous, FYl, it's a mess.

So, what are you doing here? Are you gay? What? No.

I sell propane.

Oh, my Lord! Something has happened to Dale, hasn't it? He didn't return-to-sender my last postcard.

No, no.

Everything's fine.

Dale and Nancy are renewing their wedding vows and she wanted me to invite you as kind of a surprise for Dale.

Oh.

Oh, God.

The wedding.

That was not this cowpoke's finest hour.

Yeah, you know, my friends are waiting for me.

Honey, wait.

I wanna tell you what really happened.

The unabashed truth.

It was 20 years ago.

I was not yet being honest with myself, let alone others.

Aid as I was explaiiiig this,,, to the most beautiful Filipiio caterer,,, he leaied ii close, DALE: Rock 'n' roll, man.

I saw Dale comiig, I paiicked,,, aid grabbed the iearest thiig ii a dress, Dad? Every day I think about the mess I've made of things and I'm tortured, Hank.

But maybe now I've got another chance to get back in my son's life.

Yeah.

The invitation didn't say anything about formal attire but I'm guessing you might want to -you know, tone it down a bit.

-Don't worry.

I'm not gonna wear the spangles and rhinestones when I see Dale.

Those are my stage clothes.

The gay rodeo is theater, honey.

It's just camp.

You know, kitschy fun.

So, I'll see you later.

Have fun at your camp.

Who wants paella? Gary and Mike made it, and it's decadent.

Oh, company.

-And who are you? -Juan Pedro, this is Hank Hill.

He's a friend of a friend.

-I'm a friend of his son.

-You have a son? Bug, how can you have a son? I asked you a question.

How can you have a son? Well, you see, when a man and a woman care for each other -what happens-- -I was married! Married? You lying snake.

I was confused, and it was a very painful time for me.

And I want to share your pain, but you hide from me.

I'm sorry.

Juan Pedro, please.

Please, Juan Pedro.

Gentlemen.

By the way, pumpkin the federal government may use this wedding as an opportunity to make its move on me so some of the champagne bottles contain gasoline and rags.

Or was it the wine bottles? [Doorbell rings.]

Howdy, Dale.

-Son.

-You.

I've been waiting 20 years for this moment.

Prepare to be destroyed by the deadliest of all martial arts monkey style.

[Making monkey noises.]

Pressure point, gouge the eyes, grab the tongue, Achilles tendon.

I deserve that.

And any other kind of monkey mischief you can throw at me.

-I hate myself for what I did to you.

-I hate you more.

-Trust me, I'm an expert hater.

-I don't blame you.

Planting one on Nancy was the worst, most disgusting thing I've ever done.

And I'm here to say I want my boy back.

[Sobbing.]

My God, you're pathetic.

And to think I once called you -[voice breaking.]

Daddy.

-Son? Daddy! -Let it out, child.

-I am.

I'm crying.

If you'd have told me last week I'd be lying in bed pasting my father's head back onto family photos I'd have called you nuts.

But here we are.

I'm glad you're glad he's back, sug' but have you noticed anything different about your dad? Doesn't he seem a little fancier? The only thing that's different is he's here, and I love him.

Yep, as long as he keeps his hands off your hot body we're cool.

Pssst! Guys, do you want to see the most heartwarming sight you've ever seen? Look, my dad's teaching Joseph an old cowboy trick.

Remember, keep your forearms angled and don't let the panties slip over your elbows.

Don't worry, Grandpa.

That goat's getting pantied.

Yeah, I bet some babe at the rodeo threw those panties at my dad and he kept them as a souvenir.

[Goat braying.]

-Yep.

-Yep.

Mmm-hmm.

Yep.

Oh, my turn? Yep.

Bug Gribble's taxi service.

Oh, God.

I completely forgot.

Dale, this is Juan Pedro, my special friend.

Nice to meet you.

Any special friend of my dad's is a special friend of mine.

These are my special friends, Hank, Bill, and Boomhauer.

Hey, man.

Son, I'm so sorry.

Juan Pedro and I have plans tonight.

But, Dad, you were supposed to go to the g*n club to show my buddies your p*stol twirling.

But we were supposed to play Taboo with Gary and Mike tonight.

Oh, I'm in quite the pickle.

What to do? What to do? Look, Juan Pedro, why don't you come to the g*n club with us tonight then tomorrow we can all go to Gary and Mike's and play Taboo.

Well, okay.

We can do Gary and Mike anytime.

-And wait till you try my margaritas.

-Great.

Hank likes margaritas.

Hey, Hank, you coming over to Gary and Mike's tomorrow for margaritas and Taboo? Nope.

Oh, I know you.

Hello, Hank.

Hello, Juan Pedro.

I never knew you could buy ties that weren't pre-tied.

Oh, sweetie, I have so much to teach you.

Speaking of which, Dad I'm a little nervous about my re-wedding night.

You've satisfied thousands of women.

You got any pointers? Check it out, Dad.

I'm John Redcorn.

I don't see it.

I'll show you how to do John Redcorn.

Excuse us.

Joseph is such a beautiful boy.

Is he adopted? No, not exactly.

He's.

Well, he's.

It's a long story.

-Nancy.

-I know, I know.

I must re-channel the energy of your wife's ancestors' spirit winds.

-Have you told Dale, yet? -I've thought about it.

But telling your husband you cheated on him is such an unpleasant conversation.

I think the party'll be much more fun if you and I just stay in the closet.

I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life -but I can't do that anymore.

-No.

Dale needs to know his daddy is queerer than a box of birds.

Get away from my wife or next time I'll aim for the mannequin and hit you.

Dale, there's something I need to get off my chest.

If we're gonna have a real relationship again we should be 100%% Oprah honest with each other.

Are you in love with Nancy? I'm not the man you think I am.

My rodeo is a gay rodeo.

Why would a confirmed bachelor such as yourself work at a gay rodeo? Honey, even when I was married to your mother I was leading a secret life, don't you see? Juan Pedro is not just my special friend -he's my partner.

-Partner? Why do you need a partner to work the gay rodeo? Wait a minute.

You're.

Oh, my God! I can't believe this.

My own father.

Dale, forget I said anything.

We were having so much fun.

Let's go back to being a family again.

Too late.

You're re-uninvited to my re-wedding.

-Now, get out! -Dale, please.

Get out.

I can never trust you again.

Get out, before I have Nancy throw you out.

-Oh, sug'.

-I can't believe it.

It was right in front of my face this whole time.

My father is a government agent.

-He told you that? -He didn't have to.

A secret life, working undercover with a partner? What other explanation is there? Oh, God.

This is my worst nightmare come true.

Nancy, I don't know what to do.

No one's ever deceived me before.

I guess I can fit in one more beer before the ceremony.

Can you believe it? My own dad is government.

I really thought I knew the man.

Now, what illicit activities could gay cowboys be up to? Money-laundering, income-tax evasion, counterfeiting? Are you sure that's what he told you? That he was a fed? First, he deep-tongue kisses my wife then he crawls into bed with the federal government.

Dale, where are you going? To the gay rodeo to blow my dad's cover wide open.

Oh, no, no, no, no! I can't find the ring.

That was just a piece of tinfoil we gave you to make you feel important.

Oh, thank God.

Hey! Oh, sorry.

This was supposed to be my fresh start, my new beginning.

Why is God punishing me? Why, sug'? You know, baby.

Ain't no question about it.

Boomhauer, do something.

Mmm-hmm.

[Clearing throat.]

Yeah, man.

Thank you very much, man.

Dang old pretty much all I got, man.

[Turn the b*at Around by Gloria Estefan playing on sound system.]

Dale, what are you doing here? I'm here to expose you for what you are.

An undercover government agent.

A government agent? Oh, sweetie, there's been a huge misunderstanding.

-I'm gay.

-lf only that were true.

Dale, it is true.

I'm gay.

-Nice try, J.

Edgar.

-Dale, honey.

Denial ain't just a club outside McMaynerbury.

Attention, gay guys.

Bug Gribble is an agent of the FBl.

He's here to monitor and surveil your every move.

If you have something to hide, I suggest you hide it.

What? Listen up, h*m* and so-called bisexuals you are being.

[Crowd applauding.]

-Panties? -Force of habit.

Now, zip it, mister.

You are embarrassing me in front of the whole community.

Oh, my God.

Is what I am hearing the honest-to-God truth? Are you a police? Juan Pedro, he doesn't know what he's talking about.

How can I believe you? Until a few days ago, I did not even know you had a son.

He might have more.

He has a bottomless appetite for women.

He thinks you love women? I thought you told him about us.

-Are you ashamed of me? -I did tell him.

Baby, please.

You know you'll always be my caballero iumero uio, -I'm drowning in your lies.

-Then swim to me, Juan Pedro.

Don't give up on us, the life we built together.

I love you.

You know that, don't you? Yes.

And I love you, Bug-a-lug.

[Can't Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon playing on stereo.]

Rock 'n' roll! [Retching.]

-Here's to new beginnings.

-And happy endings.

Boy, your can looks so freaking hot in that dress.

For the next 20 years, I'm gonna call you Cancy.

Oh, sug'.

So, are you really okay with your dad being gay? Why would I have a problem with it? John Redcorn's gay, and I've been friends with him for years.

DALE: Moikey style!