02x03 - Story Samurai

[bunniefuu]

Ava, have you seen a...

Is this you?

AVA: Oh. That must have
fell in there by mistake.

Mind your business.

What you looking for?

Uh, I lost something.

What? Your sense of style?
Ha ha! Up top!

No.

You a hater.

What'd you lose?

Uh, it was a shawl
that was in my classroom.

It was my warmest one.
I am so cold. [CHUCKLES]

You think someone took it?
Who would just take a shawl?

Why would I, Ava Coleman,
take something from Janine?

Look, I am not accusing anyone, but...

Mr. Johnson took my shawl!

Why does the lost and found have
a five-day waiting period

if we're not gonna enforce it?

Aah!

It's called functional fashion.

Yeah! That shawl chose him.

[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]

[SIGHS] I hope all the kids
aren't here today.

Yesterday, everybody was in attendance,
and it almost broke me.

That's what happens when you enforce
a "no nose picking" policy.

I'm behind on lesson plans,

but it's too early in the year
to show movies.

I'm doing LEGO day to catch up.
The kids love it.

I always end up with LEGO toe.

Exactly. I've bought so many packs,

LEGO owes me a sponsorship already.

[CHUCKLES] Man, this
double class is kicking my ass.

I need my extra-large coffee mug.

JACOB: Did you read
that article the other day

about how matcha...
Actually more efficient

at awakening the nervous system
than coffee?

Oh, yeah? Was that in
Who Gives A Crap Weekly?

It was in The New Yorker.

Oh, so Who Gives A Crap Biweekly.

[DOOR OPENS]

Damn. It's more intense in here
than my at-home float t*nk.

- What y'all doing?
- Prepping.

Mm. Working before work? Couldn't be me.

Anyway, here's a reminder
that some goofy group

is coming through to do
camp songs or something,

so check the schedule
to see when your class is up.

Holy Shakespeare! [GASPS]

[IMITATING SWORD SLICING]

Jacob, we can't afford
for you to have a seizure

- during school hours. [LAUGHS]
- [CHUCKLES]

Guys! These are the Story Samurai, okay?

They're a storytelling group
that goes all up and down

the East Coast improvising
plays based on the kids' ideas.

[CHUCKLES] I used to be in it.

Of course you were, sweetheart.

The Story Samurai are like
a book come to life, okay?

But the pages are the performance

and the illustrations
are, like, the lyrics.

We help the kids see that
everyone is a story, okay?

Look, I don't condone v*olence,
but it slaps.

I think it sounds amazing, Jacob.

I love it when they come.

You get to drop your kids off
at the auditorium for an hour

- and just catch up on work.
- That part.

Oh, well, then I may be a really big fan

of these Samurai-sitters.

You're gonna want to see this.

It's... It's not like
some wack puppet show.

Plus, this is like a whole new tour.

It's gonna be brand-new material.

It's very subversive, you know?

And really cool. Like me.

Janine, Gregory, y'all pulling up?

- Yeah.
- I'll walk over.

Yeah.

Alex and Jordan.

Oh, Natalie. I'm sorry, honey.

You are in my third grade now.

You were in my second grade last year,

and now you're in third grade,
which I also teach. Okay.

I told you, we got an aide
if you need it.

She's got this. She's a veteran.

- Veterans don't need that help.
- Exactly.

You save those aides for the young'ns.

Alright, well, don't say
I didn't try to help.

Everybody say young Ava is unreliable,

but even a broken clock
is right once a day.

- Twice a day.
- Whatever!

MELISSA: Um, you know,
it's a little tough.

But you know what?
Barbara's right. I'm tougher.

I'm so tough, brass knuckles
wear me to a fight.

- STUDENTS: Ooh!
- Oh. Excuse me.

What? What?!

Keyon! Quit huffing the Wite-Out, dude!

Samurai. Ha!

May we have a suggestion
for a character?

Meek Mill!

Ah. Nice one, Clarence.

What if Meek Mill... was a meerkat?

Why?

I'm just a meerkat, strolling
through Western Philly.

[CHUCKLES] But it's not a story
unless there's some...

ALL: Conflict!

What's Meerkat Meek Mills' conflict?

His ATV broke down in the
wrong hood! [LAUGHTER]

ALL: Wrong hood, Meerkat! Wrong hood!

This is too corny, even for me.

But Jacob loves it, so thank goodness

it's in his past and he isn't up there.

[CHUCKLES] I get it, though.

If my "Degrassi" reenactment group

showed up and performed here,
I'd be excited, too.

Shout-out to the guy
who played the original Jimmy.

Wonder what he's up to. Heh.
He is... He's Drake.

I'm aware that he is Drake. Yeah.

I expected it to be corny,
but that was beyond anything

I thought was theoretically possible.

[CHUCKLES] I know. It was peak Jacob.

Oh, Melissa, I bet that you
would love the Story Samurai.

Oh, yeah, I just dropped my kids,

and I got, like, two lesson plans to do.

[BEEPING] And that beep
means I got an hour left

- and I still didn't go to the bathroom!
- Okay.

My class in here, please. Thank you.

Y'all see that corny show? [LAUGHS]

I was in the back crying
while bootlegging it

for barbershop distribution.

Guys, it wasn't that bad.

I can't wait until it's my class's turn.

Mr. Johnson just told me
that they've got

some white boy doing
the Malcolm X Games.

- JANINE: Oh, my God.
- He did an ollie and said,

"Plymouth Rock didn't land on me, dude."

[LAUGHTER] Guys, just... Guys.

Tschoo! Story Samurais,
we slice down barriers.

If you need a story,
we're in your area-er.

- Hey.
- Huh?

What did everyone think?

Did you see how excited the kids were?!

- It was great.
- It was incredible.

I honestly cannot wait to see it.

I told you it was gonna be b*mb!

You really think I would be a part
of something that wasn't b*mb?

Well, it was something.

Something that you can be

very, very proud you did in the past.

Well, the past has become the present,

because the Samurai
have asked me, Jacob Hill,

to join the afternoon show.

- Wait.
- And you said yes, right?

- Yeah, of course I did.
- JANINE: Oh, no.

- AVA: [LAUGHS] Fantastic!
- BARBARA: Yes.

Hey, and if you guys thought
the Malcolm X Games was cool,

just wait till you see
Rosa Parks and Rec.

Hey, Siri. [WATCH DINGS]

Clear my afternoon and set a reminder

to watch this boy embarrass
himself. [LAUGHTER]

Janine, let me borrow your phone
so I can go live

on IG and TikTok at the same time. Uh...

It's our duty to spread this joy
to the world, y'all.

It's tough times out here.
People need the laughs.

The people need the laughs.

Hey. I got your Slack.

By the way, thanks
for being the first one

to use the Slack channel
I set up two months ago.

[CHUCKLES] Anyway, what's up?

Um, I just wanted to talk to you

a little bit more about
this Samurai business.

It's exciting, right?

Oh, %.

I'm sure back when you were performing,

you were riveting, blowing
tiny minds left and right.

- Guilty.
- Yeah.

Off that, though, my concern is,

what if you k*ll it too much?

k*ll it too much? What?
I'm not sure I follow.

Well, it's just you were
so good at it, you said,

and this is a new generation of Samurai.

They need to feel good about themselves,

and they probably can't compare.

You don't want to upstage them, do you?

Wow. Janine, I didn't
even think of that.

See, this is why we're friends.

Thank you... for seeing me.

You got it, bud.

Alright, well, Slack me if
you got anything else, okay?

You know, you can customize the emojis.

Mm-hmm.

Second graders, who can tell me
which clock says : ?

- Thank you.
- Ooh! I know!

We learned this last year!

Okay, thank you, Jameel, but you
gotta do your worksheet, okay?

- They gotta answer.
- I have a question.

Yeah. Honey, hang on one second.

- I can help you!
- That's a preparation...

No, no, no, no, sweetheart.

You stay on the third-grade side, okay?

You just let them do their thing.

- DESIREE: Ms. Schemmenti?
- Yes?

Bul tied his shoe to the desk.

He did what? Oh! Oh, no.

Ms. Schemmenti, can I borrow you?

Oh. Let me see this.

Okay. Second graders only,

can you tell me
which clock is saying : ?

What the heck did you do here?

- Look. Are... Are you okay?
- I know, I know, I know!

Jameel, what are you doing on this side?

Go back to the third-graders side.

But I knew the answer, so I came
to the second-grade side.

Okay, well, go back
to the third-graders side.

Okay. Are you good?

Oh, me? I'm... fine.

I got this.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Desiree. Where are you going?

Third graders get to go
to the library by themselves.

You're not in the third grade.

Depends where you sit.

Okay, anybody else in the class
sitting on the wrong side,

switch.

What?

[RHYTHMIC TAPPING]

Um, I will be right back.
Please stay quiet. Thank you.

Quiet.

Hey! What's up?

Just saying hi.

Oh. That's nice.

Hi. How's your day?

Surprisingly smooth.

I got through % of animal habitats,

even though it's been a bigger
bathroom day than usual.

Mm.

For... For the kids, not for me.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah. How's your day going?

Uh, my day is good.

- Um, taught the two times table.
- Oh.

But I did convince Jacob not to perform.

Thank goodness.

That girl isn't ruining this for me.

She can be so selfish.

Like last week,
when she wouldn't pretend

to be my daughter at McDonald's
so I could get a Happy Meal.

[SCOFFS]

So you just told him that it's corny

and that eventually we will
all end up making fun of him?

No. Better. I told a fib.

- To protect his feelings.
- Ah.

Jacob just puts so much
thought into how he's perceived.

And it doesn't hurt anyone,
so I figured, why burst his bubble?

For one, it could stop him
from inviting us

to his "Living Single" rewatch parties.

[LAUGHS]

It's like, dude,
you're in a relationship.

I don't... I don't get it.

But he does get
some good guest speakers.

He got the guy who played Kyle...

[DOOR OPENS] [STUDENTS SHOUTING]

Oh. Melissa? Are you okay?

[DOOR CLOSES] Yes.

Okay.

Good.

[DOOR OPENS] [STUDENTS SHOUTING]

You like that cheesesteak?
We got it from the corner store.

People write off this area
as a food desert,

but the culinary scene here
is so slept on.

It really is.

So, listen, I am honored

by the invitation
to perform with you all,

but, uh, I think
I gotta sit this one out.

Man. Are you serious?
We were so stoked, Sensei.

Yeah, we still talk about
your legendary performances.

- You are our dopest alumnus.
- Other than Josh Gad.

- Oh. Josh Gad.
- Josh Gad. Yeah. Olaf.

I am flattered, truly, but I got to keep

my Story Kimono up in the rafters, okay?

What's up, Mr. C?

Hey, Clarence. Meet the Story Samurai.

- Nah. I'm good.
- Yep.

You catch "Last Week Tonight"?

[SCOFFS] You know it.

Yeah. I bet you did.

I'll see you in history, Mr. C.

That's what it's all about, dawg.

Connecting with the kids.
That's why we story.

That's why we samurai.

It's true.

You guys should consider
working in a school,

you know, full-time, when you're out.

I don't know. I was planning
on auditioning for "SNL,"

or if not that, a YouTube channel.

Yeah, I'm gonna work
at my dad's hedge fund.

In a school like this,

you're kind of like
a firefighter for joy.

You want to get in,
spray as much joy as possible,

and then get out.

[P. A. SYSTEM BEEPS]

AVA: Big news, Abbott Elementarians!

I am calling an all-school assembly

so that we can watch our own Mr. Hill
perform with the Story Samurai.

It'll be like watching The Game
perform one night only with G-Unit.

You got this, Mr. C!

STUDENT: Yeah, you do. Heh.

I'm so excited about your performance.

I'm stretching so I don't
throw my back out laughing...

I mean, learning. [GIGGLES]

Are you ready to swing your story sword?

Yes.

And, uh, you're gonna be
live streaming the whole thing?

Oh, yeah! It's gonna open
a whole new corner of TikTok for me.

Well, I so appreciate you using
your platform to amplify our message.

Hey, Jacob.
You aren't performing, are you?

Because we already talked about it.

And remember? No upstaging the Samurai.

Yeah, but it's a whole
school assembly now,

and, you know, the kids are gonna
be expecting to see me, so, uh...

Yeah, he don't want to let
all those kids down, Janine.

[JACOB HUMMING]

[WHISPERS] I know what you're doing!

Good, 'cause I worry
about your awareness.

[JACOB BREATHING SHARPLY]

Hey, Jacob, can I see you
for a second in the hall?

Just real quick.

Don't listen to her!
We believe in you, Jacob!

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, what's, uh... What's going on?

Um, I'm not sure...

I don't think you should perform.

Look. I get it. You think I'm rusty.

But don't worry.
It's... It's muscle memory. You know?

- It's like when I ride a unicycle...
- That's enough.

Jacob, Ava just wants you to perform

so that everyone can laugh at you.

What? [STAMMERS]

Yeah, they're gonna laugh.
They're gonna laugh with us.

It's a pretty biting satire. It's...

No, no. They're going to laugh at you,

because, Jacob, the Story Samurai
are corny as hell.

How could the Samurai be corny?
I was in it.

I'm c-corny?

Jacob, you are...

corny sometimes... yes.

Wha... [CHUCKLES]

Wait. Uh... No.

I have Kendrick Lamar on vinyl.
Okay? Is that corny?

Look, and the Samurai
are not corny, okay?

They performed
at a Bernie Sanders rally.

Without his permission.

And those things can be corny.

Look, Jacob, at the end
of the day, I'm corny,

and at the beginning of the day,
too, but I don't care as much.

Okay, but that is different,
because you are

- African-American.
- Dit-dit-dit!

See, when you said "African,"
that's corny. It just is.

Look, you are a white teacher
in a Black school.

I am not Hilary Swank
in "Freedom Writers."

You are Hilary Swank
in "Freedom Writers."

You are Michelle Pfeiffer
in "Dangerous Minds."

You are Sandra Bullock in...

In "Bird Box"?

In "The Blind Side." [GASPS]

- Too far.
- Too far, I know.

I'm sorry about that. I know.

But my point is...

you cannot do this performance.

You will never live it down.

I'm just trying to help.

You don't want to be a corny legend.

[DOOR OPENS]

Jacob, hair and makeup
are ready for you.

You know what, Ava? I don't think
I'm going to do the performance,

and, um...

By the way, would a "corny" person

stage a one-man show
called "The Color Urkel"?

Did you do that? Then yeah.

Damn it, Janine! Pop-Tarts
was sponsoring the stream!

Oh. Melissa?

Is this your handiwork?

STUDENTS: Ooooh!

He looked at me funny.

Oh, you have been dealt
an impossible situation.

Aw, come on.

Nothing's impossible for us.

I have known you a long time,

and you are an amazing teacher.

This is no reflection
of your teaching ability.

Yeah, but, you know,
you said it yourself.

I got this.

I believe in you,
so I know that you could,

but just because you could
doesn't mean you should,

and I shouldn't have
made you feel that way.

Huh! Give me two classes,
girl, I'd be in Jamaica. Mm!

Yeah, there was a moment
when I mentally transported

to Capt'n Chucky's Crab Cakes
in Ocean City.

Aww.

This school district offers you
absolutely nothing,

and the mere fact that they
are offering you something

is all the proof that you need.

Yeah, maybe having an aide
wouldn't be so bad.

And in the meantime,
I know exactly what you need.

A bathtub full of Prosecco.

A laugh.

Okay.

- So, wait. Jacob isn't performing now?
- No.

Y'all gotta stop playing God
with that boy's life.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I truly convinced him this time
to let it go.

I told him the truth,
which I feel good about,

but I also feel kinda bad about.

Well, did he really want to do it?

Uh, yeah.

He was over the moon and back,

but I'm just trying to save him
from embarrassment.

He was gonna look like a fool

in front of the entire school
and the Internet.

But he does that weekly anyway.
It's who he is.

I mean, if we like him for it
and he really wanted to do it,

I don't see why you would
stop him from being him.

Stay in the line, y'all.

I'm Megan!

- I'm Harold!
- And I'm Tyrone!

He just ruined my favorite
Erykah Badu song.

TOGETHER: And we are the Story Samurai!

Hi-ya!

I thought you were gonna
go up there, Mr. C.

Well, Clarence, I-I didn't
want to steal their thunder.

Ohh.

It would've been mad funny
to see you up there.

HAROLD: Cut the corners of the bread.

Can we get a suggestion? Anyone?

CLARENCE: We call him Mr. C
because he's corny.

But I like his class. It's fun.

He showed us that movie,
"Summer of Soul."

That was good. He's cool.

- MEGAN: Tapenade!
- HAROLD: Ooh! Dijon!

I have a suggestion!

Who thinks Mr. Hill
should get up there?!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Yes, yes!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Okay. Can I get a suggestion?

A tiger. I heard "tiger."

Okay, because I'm a tiger
with stripes and big teeth,

people are conditioned
to think I'm scary.

The villagers judge and harass me
based on how I look.

What is my conflict?

Your dad thinks you're a bum!

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

SAMURAIS: Bum, bum, bum, bum.

Okay, okay. Yeah, I want to sell cereal,

but my tiger dad wants me
to stay in the forest.

Is he using a cereal mascot to
describe racial discrimination?

- Mm-hmm. That's what he's doing.
- Okay.

I was born to help make
a balanced breakfast.

These stripes are feeling
like prison bars!

[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

I'm sorry. I've just
never been so inspired.

[LAUGHS]

Son, I support anything you do.

I just think you need one thing
so people know you're a friendly tiger.

This red handkerchief.

Thank you, fam,
for helping me be who I am.

SAMURAIS: Who I am.

Who I am.

Who I am!

Whoo!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Nice! Nice! Nice!

I know who I am. I see it.

I am Jacob Hill, and it turns out...

I'm corny.

Corny isn't bad.

[SCREAMS]

It just is.

- MELISSA: Yayyy.
- Aww.

[CHUCKLES]

Jacob, that was actually incredible.

Actually, it was corny.

But the kids loved it.

I do think the trust fall to represent

our own appropriation was a bit much.

I mean, I would have dropped me.

[LAUGHTER]

That was so corny,
I gained , new followers

during the stream, including
Josh Gad, whoever that is.

When you guys Voltron'd yourselves

into a Black Shaun King,
I... I d*ed. I did.

And the singing. And those outfits.

Your curly-ass hair. [LAUGHS]

That's... That's just my hair.

- Bravo, Jacob. Bravo.
- Good job, man.

- Yes, yes.
- Nailed it.

- You got it.
- You did that.

Made my day.

You think they'll ever get
how corny they are?

Not a chance. They'll never
stay in one place long enough

to connect with someone
who will tell them the truth.

They're missing out on the best part...

Connection.

Hey.

Can you get your corny asses
out of here so I can clean?

Go on and get.

Okay.

So your request for a
teacher's aide has been filled,

and they're sending one over today.

Ohh!

A Ashley Garcia from Frankford.

Eh. Frankford. That's a toss-up.

Gotta admit, never thought I'd see

the Melissa Schemmenti asking for help.

Okay, Ava, I'm not in the mood, right?

I'm just in the mood to get some help.

When... When's she getting here?

[CHUCKLES] Well,
it look like she's here now.

Okay. Why are you making the face?

[TO TUNE OF "WAITING FOR
TONIGHT"] ♪ Waiting for Ashley ♪

♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh ♪

♪ I'll be the aide of your dreams ♪

♪ Waiting for Ashley ♪

♪ Ohh-ohh-ohh ♪

♪ You'll get help
with your class needs ♪

♪ Waiting for Ashley ♪

What's up, Melissa? I'm Ashley.

Oh, wait.

The boombox wasn't on,
so the song probably didn't make sense!

That was Jennifer.

- Lopez.
- Lopez. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Let me come back in.

[CHUCKLES]

♪ Homework is the jam,
homework is the jaaaam ♪

What are you doing?

Oh. Just waiting out their cool down.

Not in the mood to be improv-ed at.

You don't think...

I mean, they have to be virgins, right?

[LAUGHS] Stop it.

- I'm serious.
- Oh, no.

Can we get a suggestion?

Yeah. b*at it!

[FINGERS SNAPPING]

[SAMURAIS GRUNTING]

Oh, you might be right.

Hey! I'm calling the police!

Whoo-hoo!