03x02 - Call Me Skeeter Juice

[bunniefuu]

- Previously on Call Me Kat...
- (SCREAMING)

I had no idea you were coming back.

Obviously you ate well.

This is a juice bar now.

Where are the cats?

I told you she'd notice.

Now I'm at peace.
I just go with the flow.

I even got a tattoo. It's in Sanskrit.
It says "acceptance."

That says "garden salad."

You sold a song?

Aw, please, it's not that big a deal.

- Just to Kacey.
- Kacey...

Musgraves. Just a famous person,
who I know.

I didn't fire Randi.

She left because I didn't love

every single thing
that she did to my café.

I want you to be my partner.

- Like - ?
- Ish.

I've been making my mother
margaritas since I was nine.

(BLENDER WHIRS)

I don't care for them.

- What?
- Your new glasses.

I assumed you were going to
ask me eventually.

I wasn't... for this exact reason.

Will you take them off
when we get to the club?

My friends will be there.

Well, if anyone says anything,
you can just pretend not to know me.

Wouldn't be the first time.

Tell the truth, you're
wearing them to spite me.

No, the truth is I need them to see.

That it upsets you is a welcome bonus.

Where'd you get them,

lost and found at the morgue?

Hey!

Oh, relax. It was a joke.

Frankly, it's funnier that
you paid money for them.

You just ran a stop sign.
Did you not see the big, red octagon?

Don't be such a square.

Geometry? I thought you'd appreciate it,

given you were the only member
of your high school math club.

Hey, one is still a number.

The loneliest.

(SIREN CHIRPS)

Oh, great.
Now we're getting pulled over.

I get it, Katharine, you can see
through your hideous glasses.

What are you doing?

Getting out of this ticket.

Seriously, you're gonna flirt
with a motorcycle cop?

Well, I'll start with flirting,
see where it goes.

Okay, I'm gonna record this
because this is exactly

the kind of thing that
my therapist does not believe.

Oh, crap, it's a woman.

- Katharine, unbutton your shirt.
- What?

Maybe she's gay.

I'm not gay.

All right.

Do you hear that, Dr. Bell?

Do you hear that?!

You're making a fuss over nothing.

You just got a ticket,
your license is expired,

and you told that officer
I'm an adventurous lover.

Why didn't you just get it renewed?

I didn't want them to change my photo.

That was a hair day for the ages.

Well, now, you're gonna have to
go to the DMV

and take the driving test again.

Can't you take it for me?

We look about the same age.

No.

Although I do love me
some standardized tests.

I used to give them
to myself in math club.

I don't have time to go to the DMV.

Tomorrow's my nail appointment,
Thursday's my chemical peel.

Wait, you know you can't drive anywhere

until you get this done, right?

What is with you w*r
on beauty, Katharine?

Don't you have any cool friends
I can buy a license from?

No!

'Cause breaking the law is never cool,

unless it involves feeding a meter

so a stranger doesn't get
a parking ticket.

Take that, Louisville Town Center.

Well, if I can't drive myself,
you'll have to drive me everywhere.

Not gonna happen.

Why, are you busy this week?

Look at those glasses.
Of course you're not busy.

I am so glad I got glasses.

I can finally see, and I can really
emphasize my point... like this.

(LAUGHS)

Ooh, I love 'em, and I think
you look super sexy.

Well, now that I can see,
I think you look super sexy.

Okay, okay, I like where this is going.

And you just ruined it.

Hey, y'all, it's moonshine season.

Who wants a jug of Mama's skeeter juice?

Isn't that the stuff your cousin used
to burn his fingerprints off?

One and the same.

It'll also take the roots
out of your sewer line.

Oh, okay, well, sign me up.

- So long, laser hair removal.
- I'll take two.

I just found out my son's
production of Pippin

isn't about Scottie.

Mama is gonna be so proud of me.

I sold 'em all and didn't even have to

go to the high school this year.

I've got amazing news.

You do? Hang on.

I'm listening.

One of my songs is gonna be
in a commercial.

What?! That's amazing. Which song?

"Say No More." The one about
maybe meeting my dad someday.

I love that song.

♪ I come home and I wonder ♪

BOTH: ♪ What was the journey for? ♪

♪ My dad just sips his whiskey ♪

♪ It's all right, son, say no more ♪

I can't wait to get drunk with my son.

What's the commercial about?

No idea. It got bought by
one of those huge companies

that makes everything from beer
to frozen pizza,

but the important thing is
I'm gonna get paid!

Ooh, I hear that. New espresso machine

coming our way, roomie. Yes!

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello, Mother.

Well, I hope you're happy.

I've taken one of your
ride-share services,

and now I'm being abducted.

Ma'am, I promise you, I'm not ab...

I checked the box that said
"no conversation."

Mother, no one is gonna kidnap you.

And if they do, I assure you
they will pay me to take you back.

Why are we going through downtown?

There's an accident on .

I'm sure.

Katharine, how do I use
that pepper spray you gave me?

Oh, that's air freshener.
I would never give you a w*apon. Bye!

To Max and his messed up
relationship with his dad.

And to Mama for once again

outsmarting the po-po.

(LAUGHTER)

Ugh.

Hoo-wee!

So that's why people make that noise.

Can you believe is was distilled

in the same bathtub I was born in?

Okay, next question.
"Two vehicles arrive

"at a four-way stop at the same time.

Who has the right of way?"

Obviously, the most expensive car.

This is still America.

The correct answer is
the car to your right.

Unless you're in Detroit.
Don't ever stop in Detroit.

Here's an easy one.

"At what blood alcohol
concentration are you impaired?"

Me personally?

When I start telling people I love them.

I've never seen you that drunk.
Look, if you're not gonna

take this seriously, there's
no way you're gonna pass.

Oh, who cares? So I'm driving
on an expired license.

What are they gonna do,
throw me in jail?

That's exactly what they're gonna do!

And you know what they have in jail?
Florescent lighting.

You don't scare me.

I drove here today and nothing happened.

- What?!
- That's right.

And I solved the Wordle
at the same time.

You can't drive with an expired license.

Watch me, four-eyes.

Give me your keys.

If you want my keys,
you'll have to take them.

Dang, that made my neck tingle.

Yeah, she'll do fine in jail.

I'm serious. Give me your purse.

- Let go.
- You let go.

Don't hurt it, it's Gucci!

Why can't you see I am doing this
for your own...

good?

Keys weren't even in my purse.

Dude, in less than two minutes,
your song is gonna be on national TV.

And then two minutes after that,
we're gonna watched a masked celebrity

dressed as a taco
singing "La Vida Loca."

(LAUGHS) Ooh. Get ready to be
on my Instagram Live, Max!

Come on. You know I don't like
being the center of attention.

Darren, grab me one of those
drinks that you named after me.

Oh, one Max on the Beach
coming right up!

You're practically famous.

It would be like if Carter's
afro ever gets on Is It Cake?

I've sent pictures in four times.

What are they so afraid of?

My cousin Janice was on TV once,
but it was Cops.

She wasn't wearing pants.

We were so proud.

Hey, hey, Instagram.

We are live
with songwriter Max Kingbird.

- What up, Gram?
- We're roomies, too.

He ate my damn yogurt this morning.

Anyway, say something to your fans.

Hey, guys.
Uh, this song is about my dad.

It really means a lot to me.

I'm just so honored
that you all are gonna hear it.

And if you're hot, single,
and in Louisville,

we are getting hammered on moonshine

- at The Middle C.
- (WHOOPS)

He's kidding. We don't want
no Feds up in the holler.

Wait. I think they're going
to a commercial break.

Uh, quiet down, everybody.

Can everybody please quiet down?

- Hey, shut the hell up!
- (CHATTER STOPS)

Oh, uh, I think they heard you

'cause they were already
quieting from when I... said it.

(INTRO TO "SAY NO MORE" PLAYS)

Oh, boy.

♪ ♪

I'm back.

I love it when people come back.

- (BELL CLANGS)
- (DOGS BARKING)

♪ I come home and I wonder ♪

♪ What was the journey for... ♪

(DOGS BARKING MELODY)

(DOGS HOWL)

What the hell did they do to your song?

It's a disaster. The labradoodle's flat.

♪ ♪

ANNOUNCER: Neumann's Hill
Farm Fresh Dog Food...

Organic, healthy, delicious.

How great was that?

I-I think my aunt uses that dog food.

That's the end of my story.

Look, it's broadcast TV.

No one our age is watching.

Except for all of y'all. You're cool.

- (KAT SIGHS)
- (CORK POPS)

Sorry. My thumb already had it going.

Hey, I got champagne
if you want to celebrate

and tequila if you want
to get white-girl wasted.

Okay, champagne with tequila. (CHUCKLES)

That's called "The Oldest Bridesmaid."

I wrote that song about wanting

to connect with my father
before he dies.

Nobody's gonna take me seriously now.

That is not true.

Eddie Vedder got his start
writing the jingle for Chili's.

- Really?
- Don't google it, but yeah.

Look, I know that did not
turn out the way you expected,

but it's still a huge deal, Max.

Look, I get what you're trying
to do, but I'm not in the mood.

Max, it's not like
it's the end of your...

Kat, stop.

I want to be alone.

Right. Sorry.

Are you Max Kingbird?

We saw you on Instagram Live.

Oh, sorry, ladies.
He's not really in the mood.

Hang on.

Have you ladies ever heard of a
drink called "The Oldest Bridesmaid"?

Here. Right this way. Right this way.

- Max.
- What?

Misery loves...

(WHISPERS): a threesome.

Okay, it's your driver's test,
and I'm the DMV person.

Why don't we start by pulling
into that Fuddruckers?

- Okay.
- (TURN SIGNAL CLICKING)

No! It's a trick.

You don't go to Fuddruckers
on your driver's test!

You get to go after if you pass.

Or fail. Either way,
we're going to Fuddruckers.

Oh, red light.

Yes, I can see that. Thank you.

Really? Lipstick right now?

It's for you.

It'll draw the eye away
from those glasses.

Yeah, well, say what you will,

but that motorcycle cop called me.

She wants to have drinks Friday night.

- Green light.
- (SCOFFS) I know.

I just like to be a careful
and courteous...

- (HORN BLARING)
- Oh, bite me, asshat!

Yeah, you're gonna sail
through this driving test.

I don't know why you enjoy
criticizing me so much.

Are you kidding me right now?

You do nothing but criticize me.

Oh, so now I'm a bad driver
and a bad mother?

I never said you were a bad driver.

It doesn't matter how I drive.
I'm going to fail anyway.

Why do you say that?

I'm going blind.

What?

I found out while you were on your trip.

- I don't understand. How could you...?
- (HORN BLARING)

Oh, bite me, asshat!

(SIGHS) I have macular degeneration.

A fancy way of saying that,
over the next five to ten years,

I'm going to lose my sight.

There's got to be something they can do.

Well, there isn't.

I'm taking medication,
but it'll only slow it down.

And that's why you never went
to get your license renewed.

I knew I couldn't pass the eye exam.

I'm so sorry.

I always thought, if I didn't
act old, I wouldn't get old.

I don't know what kind of life
I'm going to have if I can't drive.

We'll figure something out.

I did figure it out.

I was going to continue to
drive illegally, and you ruined it.

- Mother...
- Look, Katharine, it is what it is,

and wallowing isn't going to help.

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Find me the nearest bar.

Wait. You can't drive if you can't see.

And you can't get a man
if you wear those ski goggles,

but here we are.

(DOOR OPENS)

- Hey, baby.
- Hey.

You think I could have a career
as a hand model?

I think I'm rewatching Bridgerton,

and the duke is about
to take off his shirt.

Well, I was picking up dinner,
and I was reaching for the lasagna,

and the lady said,
"You have lovely hands."

- She just wanted a bigger tip.
- That don't make her a liar.

Should we get mani-pedis this weekend?

Can I just watch my lady p*rn?

(PHONE RINGING)

What's up, Darren?

Make it quick. I'm about
to Bridgerton and chill.

(LAUGHS) No, he isn't.

You might want to come down here.

(PLAYING UPBEAT TUNE)

♪ Woof, woof ♪

♪ Woof, woof, woof. ♪

(HOWLING)

Come on, everybody.

Put your paws together!

Crap.

I must really be drunk.
I can't even taste the whiskey in this.

It's coffee.

Yeah, I'm not doing caffeine these days.
It's bad for your health.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You come down here, get drunk,
bark at my customers.

I ought to swat you on the nose
with a rolled-up newspaper.

Have you seen TikTok lately?

You talking about
the bikini jump-rope challenge?

It's okay to look

'cause they're raising money
for juvenile diabetes.

Thousands of people
posted videos singing my song

with their dogs.

(LAUGHS)

I'm an Internet joke.

I wrote the new
"Never Gonna Give You Up."

Oh, you must be drunk if you're
hating on my boy Rick Astley.

I thought
it was gonna go away, but now...

It's gonna dog you forever? (LAUGHS)

Damn. How come I'm always clever
when Randi's not around?

That song came from my heart.

I'm an artist.

Oh, you're an artist now.

I thought you were a guy
who just threw up in my piano.

- You don't get it.
- I don't get it?

You wrote that song so people
would hear it and enjoy it.

And now, all those people do.

I don't know, man.

Sounds like a win to me.

And that's not just me
throwing you a bone.

I don't like clever Carter.

And I don't like having
to drive down here

and leave behind lasagna

and a girlfriend who's all
revved up from Bridgerton.

Bridgerton, man!

I just don't want to be known as the guy

who did the stupid dog food song.

Better than being the guy
who never did anything.

Can you take me home?

Sure. Hey, if we hurry,

I'll still have time
to hit Randi with a little,

(BRITISH ACCENT): "Evenin' Duchess.
You fancy me bangers and mash?"

I really don't know
why Randi has sex with you.

Hey, you think I could be a hand model?

What?

Just imagine a slo-mo sh*t
of me putting on lotion.

KAT: Hello?

Oh, Katharine?

Hey.

What are you doing here?

Wait. How much do you need?

I don't need money.
I've got a mother who loves me.

(BOTH LAUGH)

There's your father's sense of whimsy.

I came to take you to yoga.

Oh. Well, since I can't drive,

I... I hadn't planned on
going anyplace for a while.

That's why I'm here.

I took the day off so I can take
you to yoga and the hair salon.

I'm pretty sure I'm still owed
a trip to Fuddruckers.

I can't ask you to do that.

You don't have to ask.

I want to.

Really?

Of course. You're my mother.

I'm not gonna let you
go through this alone.

Why are you squeezing me?

Oh. It's a hug.

Cross that off my bucket list.

I love you, sweetheart.

I love you, too.

As long as we're going to
my salon, won't you let Francois

- finally...?
- Okay, don't push it.

Sorry if I wanted you to look
nice for your new lady friend.

Hey, Internet. I'm Max Kingbird.

I wrote the song that inspired
all the singing dog videos,

uh, trending number two right below
"hashtag double-D double Dutch."

Anyway, I thought maybe
you'd like to hear my version.

♪ Touchdown in Baton Rouge ♪

♪ years gone... ♪

- Take it partner.
- (BARKING ALONG)

♪ Tough old man I hardly know says ♪

♪ "Welcome home, son" ♪

♪ The years were written on his face ♪

(IN HARMONY):
♪ They gave way to a smile ♪

♪ He shook my hand
and poured a glass, and said ♪

♪ "Won't you stay a while?" ♪

(YOWLS)

♪ Said... ♪ Oh.

- (BARKING)
- Oh.

Hey. Hey.

♪ ♪

♪ Touchdown in Baton Rouge,
years gone ♪

♪ A tough old man I hardly know said ♪

♪ "Welcome home, son" ♪

♪ I come home and I wonder,
what was the journey for ♪

♪ My old man sips his whiskey ♪

♪ "It's all right, son. Say no more" ♪

♪ My old man sips his whiskey ♪

♪ "It's all right, son. Say no more." ♪