07x01 - Get Your Freak Off

[bunniefuu]

Now that's one heck of a shoetree, Hank.

Yup, Peggy's birthday is coming up and she was hinting that she wanted something for in the bedroom.

Bobby, get out of the street! Hey, get out of the road! Bobby, I can't have you disco dancing in the alley.

People are going to think we didn't teach you shame.

And I know we have.

What is this garbage? It's Pimp Franklin and he doesn't need your respect, Dad.

He don't pay no man no mind.

Get in the truck, son.

When I was your age, we had these things called songs.

They were two-minute stories about people falling in love or burning down Georgia.

But I guess Hollywood decided we needed more criminals yelling about their ladyfriend's baby place.

Did you pick out your new album? Whoa, red flag, Bobby I have been advised to listen to this record.

They put that sticker on everything.

It's part of the artwork.

It entices.

Excuse me.

I need to use this parental listening booth to screen my son's music.

That's a great album.

Put it back.

This one, too.

The Four Scores hmm! Kind of sounds like The Beatles before they went nuts in India.

It's not the Four Scores, Dad.

It's 4Skore! There's Chris, Calvin, Cool Chris and Todd.

One One Fine Fine Day Day God was Kicking it in heaven.

Hey, I like this.

It's kind of like doo-wop.

This is the kind of music you should be listening to.

Okay.

Down here on earth Yeah, uh, I heard this new band they got out You talkin' 'bout that dang ol' boy band, man.

Talkin' 'bout prancin' around ol' Oh, oh, oh Oh, man.

It's not like I'm listening to them.

You know, it's just good music for the kids.

If your kids like listening to castrati.

But they are a nice, wholesome group.

Of castrati, yes.

And we can agree their music isn't all that bad.

May be even okay.

Okay if you're a prepubescent girl.

Are you one of those, Hank, huh? A prepubescent girl? Would a prepubescent girl be able to kick your ass? Probably.

Dad, 4Skore just released a block of tickets for their show in Houston.

But I thought they were all sold out.

That's just so wow.

I I'm just so happy for you and your friends.

Hey, Connie.

Hey, blonde girl.

My my from the Frontier Learning Center.

And this is Bobby.

It's nice to meet you, Jordan.

Mm? I'm still a little jumpy.

I already got smacked in the lip with a volleyball.

I got stitches.

Do you want to see? Yes, I do.

That's disgusting.

Okay, ranking in order of sexiness-- Ignoring their brutal slaughter of Texans at the Alamo, I say it goes Martin Perfecto de Cos, Antonio Lopez de Santa Ana and Don Jose Urrrera.

Why don't we make this a tad more fun? Let's rank the men on our street.

Well, I don't normally go for the white meat but number one is obvious.

That Boomhauer have one tight little bod.

Well, I think Dale is second.

Dale? He is unbelievably limber.

Well, my Khan definitely tie for second.

He has big-ass pompadour and his stomach is ripped.

And then I guess second tier is Hank and Bill.

¿Escuchame? You think Hank is on the same tier as Bill Dauterive? Well, don't get all worked up, sug.

We're ranking by sexy.

Hank's a good man but he's too uptight to be sexy.

I will have you know that in the 20 years we have been married Hank has never once forgotten my birthday or been late on a mortgage payment.

Oh, yeah, that's real sexy, sug.

You obviously didn't find Dale real sexy for the 15 years you were cheating on him with John Redcorn.

Oh, Lordy! We forgot John Redcorn.

Whoo! Oh! Okay, so it goes John Redcorn Boomhauer, Khan and Dale.

Then Bill and Hank.

Or Hank and Bill.

It doesn't really matter.

Whichever.

Dad, wait up.

I read a rumor on the Internet that Chris frosted his bangs.

Dang Internet.

They don't care whose life they ruin.

Dad, I'm thinking about asking Jordan to dance.

When, how what song? Help me.

I'm in over my head.

Him and say, "Would you care to dance?" In my experience women really respond to formality.

Have your tickets out.

Sir, the parents' section Him Uh, I came to see the show.

Trust me, sir, you want to be in the parents' section.

This is a boy band.

One One Fine Fine Day Day Hey, that's Todd.

God was kickin' it In heaven In heaven.

That sure is some good old-fashioned music I saw you walkin' round With your friend sweeter than candy Delicious and sweet Todd, what are you doing? Felt about you Hey! Hey! Can I get me some of that, can I get me some of that? Would you care to dance? Sure.

I mean, if you want to.

All over body addiction So you go to the Learning Center? You must be crazy good at math.

Yeah, I'm in trig.

Hey, what about you? My math is just called math.

The equation you plus me equals Dad, look! It worked.

We're dancing.

What?! Stop that! Everybody needs contact Uh-uh-uh.

Dad, what are you doing? Let me go! The equation you plus me equals Equals freak friction.

Hey, guys, how was the concert? It was a disaster.

I was fast dancing with a pretty girl to one of my favorite songs.

Then Dad ripped us apart.

Hank Hill, are you so uptight you won't even let your own son dance with a girl? They weren't dancing like you and I dance.

They were enjoying it.

Lord.

Everything now is sex, sex, sex.

It wasn't like this when I was growing up.

What is going on with our children? Yes, exactly.

Do you see the way the little girls are dressing? Walking around in their tiny shirts? Everything rig ht out on display.

Where is the mystery? And we wonder why men don't respect us.

I can't picture this horrible, awful dancing.

Maybe I need for you to show me.

Well, all right but this is for informational purposes only.

What the heck are they doing? Then there was this god-awful hip shaking.

It was like those lizards we saw on the Discovery Channel.

Bobby, congratulations.

Cleaning out your brain is now my number-one chore.

What are you doing with the Teen People, Dad? I'm making a time capsule.

This box is not to be opened until you are 16.

Good Lord, what is this smut you're listening to? It's not smut.

It's Radio Disney.

Nudity Okay, then.

Have fun.

Yep, kids are growing up way too fast and we have no one to blame but the dairy council.

They're sh**ting our milk up with hormones.

Your Christina Aguileras and your Shakiras are their prototypes.

Nice to see you again, Jordan.

Dance with you? I'd love to.

Minh, come quick! Redneck boy getting busy with lawn clippings.

Bobby! I'm going to show Bobby that teens can have fun without dancing like sex perverts.

All right, you are making Bill look like Pierce Brosnan.

Hi.

My name is Howard Bronsen, Jordan's father.

I was wondering if you'd mind coming over so we can discuss the little problem than About the other night Mr.

Bronsen and Mrs.

Hilgren-Bronsen.

I take full responsibility than.

I'm glad you admit you over-reacted.

You got a little paternal and ruined the kids' night.

What? I don't think you understand what the problem was, Mr.

Bronsen.

Please, call me McB.

Would you like an apple martini? Oh, well, that would be lovely.

We used to be disciplinarians, but every time we made some rule or set some limit we'd just start laughing.

I mean, who are we kidding? Hair of the dog.

Him My son makes the best 'tinis.

Peggy, call the police.

Michael, I'd like you to meet the Hills.

Call them Hank and Peggy.

By the way, love the glasses on you two.

Totally geek chic.

'Sup? Hey, McB.

You missed a hell of a party last night.

Junior and Ray-Ray say wazzup.

Ooh, I love Ray-Ray.

Where were you, man? Hey, someone's got to work around here.

Sure ain't going to be me.

You know, you really could wear a shirt like McB's.

We prefer it if Michael drinks at home where we know he's safe and when he gets really buzzed you should see him play Pictionary-- it's a riot.

You know, it's not too late for you to have this kind of relationship with Bobby.

Yes, it is.

Hank, all you got to do is be Bobby's friend.

If not, who is he going to turn to when he's in trouble? He won't even need to turn.

We'll be right there-bam! In his face with a brick wall of rules, limitations and discipline.

My parents were a wall.

I want to be a door that leads to a world of experiences.

Well, what kind of? You know, I think we are all saying the same thing here.

No, we're not.

Nothing they say makes any sense.

Look, the kids really like each other.

I know.

Why don't we all take them out.

Together.

Hey, there's a great I'm picking the place.

This place is so uncool.

Jan and Tad freaking Shaw.

Get down.

Nancy? McB? What are you doing in an ice cream parlor? I mean, we're just here so Tad can use the toilet.

Go ahead, honey.

Our kids are on a date.

Were chaperoning.

Chaperoning.

Nice job, Ronald Reagan.

Hey, don't call me that.

Yeah, don't call him that.

Oh, this must be so humiliating for Jordan.

My Serena is getting ready for her limo ride with her high school friends.

Sophomores.

We were saving up to rent Jordan a limo for her birthday, but she thought it was a little played out.

She wants a slumber party.

A slumber party.

Good ski-fashioned favorite.

With all the girls and boys in her class.

That's very progressive.

I think maybe we'll let Serena go.

Well, that was so exciting.

I did not know what was going to come next.

I know Jordan would love it if Bobby could come to her slumber party.

We'll be serving tapas.

No.

No gotdang way is he going to that party.

Oh, come on, Hank.

The Bronsens will be there and this is Bobby's chance to hang out with the cool kids from the Learning Center.

It would be more like an overnight study session.

Nice one, Mom.

No.

Did you even see how cool those other parents were? Huh? They looked like Chandler and Monica and look at us.

Andy Griffith and Aunt freaking Bea! And it's all your fault.

I cannot believe you're not letting him go.

We never get to have any fun when you're around! We hate you! Yeah.

Happy birthday, Jordan.

I'm sorry I can't come to your party but you know how it is with parents.

Oh, wait-you don't, 'cause yours are fun.

Bye.

Yeah, I treat you so bad with all the food I give you and the roof I put over your head so nicely.

I wish I could drive you, Bobby but you know, you really don't need anyone to drive you since it's only four stops on the Number Two bus which leaves at 7:12, Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Boys and girls are sleeping in the same room? You got the little blue ones? I love those.

Oh, man.

It's Serena Shaw from Frontier.

Hey, Connie.

Nice necklace.

Wow.

Thanks.

You can have it.

And you are Bobby Hill.

Oh, Jordan's new friend.

Well, I'll make sure you and Jordan have a lot of fun tonight.

I'm a good kid! Okay.

We're off to the movies.

Don't worry, we'll be back late.

Uh, we'll make sure to honk so we don't interrupt anything.

You're the coolest, McB.

Okay, the game is called Seven Minutes in Heaven.

The closet will be heaven, I will be God.

Someone grab a timer.

My God, they're really leaving.

Is there a phone number where we can reach you?! How long have they been in there? Four minutes.

I hope they have enough air.

I don't hear the sounds of ecstasy.

Dude, lick your hand and spank her! Do you have enough air?! I want to go home.

All right, who's next? Who's ready for some contact? Interesting, the birthday girl.

Looks like Jordan is getting her first birthday present from Bobby Hill.

Um Bobby and I just met each other.

If we move too fast, isn't it going to ruin it? I mean, we haven't even talked online yet.

I like him, at least I think I like him.

I know he can freak and he likes ice cream.

I don't know if that's enough.

Well, you've got seven minutes to get to know him.

Bobby I rented a square dance video and we're going to watch it as a family.

Bobby? You sure have a lot of coats.

I know! Let's look in all the pockets.

Come on, Bobby.

We don't have much time.

Do you got any pets? An old dog.

What's your favorite food? Pork pockets.

Ham or pepperoni? Ooh, that's a toughie.

I got to think about it.

Bobby! Ham! No, pepperoni.

No! Ham.

There.

I like you.

Throw out some clothes! Woo-hoo! I've got a sock.

That's as far as I'm willing to go.

KIDS; Shirt! Shirt! A sock? Are you crazy? A sock isn't good enough.

Shirt! Shirt! Shirt! Oh, thank God.

You are busted, mister.

I don't know what you're wooing for.

You're all busted.

Where are the Bronsens? They went to the movies.

When did your parents say they were going to be back? You guys got a game shelf? While we're waiting for your parents to get here we're going to play a little game I used to play when I was your age.

No way am I playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

This is the saddest party that I've ever been to.

Well, I think we have our first contestant.

Hey no.

Wh-what are you doing? Wait, listen, uh Wait, where are you guys? I can't believe Hank Hill so uptight he ruin little girl's birthday party.

Thank God he showed up when he did or I might be stuck in a closet right now getting felt up by Clark Peters.

What? That little booger-nose creep? So, Hank really came in here and took control, huh? Ma.

He really is sort of sweet with the kids.

Just like a big ol' gummi bear.

All right, I'm coming around.

Hank Hill pretty sexy.

Yeah, but not as sexy as Boomhauer.

Mmm, that Boomhauer.

How much longer do we have to stay? We can leave as soon as the blacksmith finishes my belt buckle.

So, um, in the closet I was going to kiss you, obviously but my dang dad came in and, uh, put a damper on my situation.

So I'm just Nuh-uh.

None of that.

Yes, sir.

Nope, nope, none of, uh well, I guess that's okay.

Animals!