07x02 - The Fat and the Furious

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Peggy Hill.

Thanks for inviting us to barbecue.

Not to be rude, but is this name brand soda? It taste kind of skunky.

Well, of course it's name brand.

It's MegaloMart Private Select.

Idiots.

Are the hot dogs ready? I got a movie to catch in 12 minutes.

You're leaving? Aw, this is a couples' event.

And there's this movie I'm dying to see.

This one's got a Culkin and a Baldwin in it.

Well, the dogs will be done in a few seconds.

Oop, they're plumping.

Hey, I was going to sit there.

Sorry.

You said you were going to sit there.

Eventually.

Okay, everybody, dogs are up.

Now Bill's in a rush, so he gets first cr*ck.

I'll be speedy.

Okay, we've got ketchup, mustard, relish over there Sweet Jesus.

Whoa, look at him go! Bill! Bill! Those dogs are for everyone.

That should do it.

Wow.

If there were 13 more dogs on that platter Mr.

Dauterive would be in the Guinness Book of World Records.

And did you see how excited Bobby was about that hot dog eating record? If he ever puts together fame and eating : Well, he might end up like, uh What was the name of that large comedian who d*ed? But it's nice for Bill to finally have something he's good at.

Might give him a reason to live, and what not.

What Bill needs is a healthy relationship.

Look how I turned your life around.

Now Guess what? I finally got a woman to agree to go out with him.

My God, you're kidding.

Who? Sunny Edmunds, the new librarian.

The perky one? No, the one who won't make change.

Did you try the perky one? Yes, I did, and it took the perk right out of her.

Yep.

Bill, what the hell was up with you and the hot dogs? That was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life or on the Internet.

I'm sorry.

I was in a hurry.

The movie sucked.

We had to wait a whole three minutes for Hank to throw on more dogs.

Does your selfish gluttony know no end? No.

Now wait a minute, Bill.

Eating 12 hot dogs in a minute is kind of a well, a talent.

Huh.

I hadn't thought of it that way.

Nice, Hank.

Do you want him to be this lonely pant load for the rest of his life? As a matter of fact, Peggy's got a gal who agreed to go out on a date with Bill.

That's right, an actual woman.

No! Yep.

Dinner.

Tomorrow night.

Maybe you could figure out what's causing that, uh, god-awful smell in your car.

That was a frog.

I guess I'll get rid of it.

I almost forgot.

At dinner, do not order chicken.

Sunny is terrified of birds.

Roger that.

By the way, I took the liberty of changing our dinner reservations to Pea Soup Swenson's.

I can show off my talent, as you say.

If you eat ten bowls of soup everyone at your table eats free.

Seven! Aah Sunny, you can order yourself another whiskey sour.

It's all going to be on the house 'cause I am a soup-eating machine.

You promised me a fat George Clooney.

This is not a fat George Clooney.

Nine! Did Sunny go to the bathroom? I think I'm wowing her.

She left, Bill.

Did she see a bird? You disgusted her.

Mmm, I like the way you eat soup.

Are you making fun of me? If you are, it's okay, I just like to know.

Hell, no.

I follow the sport of competitive eating very closely.

But I've never seen you before.

Cyndi Beauchamp.

Fan.

Bill Dauterive.

What do you mean by sport? I figured you were some dark horse chow hog in town for the hot dog eating championship.

Haven't you ever heard of the IFOCE? The International Federation of Competitive Eating? Okay, you are making fun of him.

We get the joke, ha, ha, ha.

Now move along, lady.

The IFOCE is the real deal.

They're like the NFL of competitive eating.

You know, Bill, tomorrow night Dan Vasti one of the greats in the sport is having a party over in McMaynerbury.

You should come.

Meet the other eaters.

Hmm, I never say no to a party in McMaynerbury.

I have a feeling about you.

And I have slept with enough competitive eaters to know greatness when I see it.

Thanks.

All right, they've got pepper jack.

Mmm.

Oh, that's good shrimp.

Hey.

Easy on the shrimp.

Save it for game day, slugger.

It's a real rookie mistake to get your grub on at a party.

I'm sorry.

This is my first organized eating function.

It's cool.

It's just if everyone here decided to throw down I'd go broke.

Dan Vasti.

Bill Dauterive.

Oh! You're the new gurgitator Cyndi was telling me about.

I noticed you breathe through your nose that's a good start.

Boy, look at the size of that trophy.

Won that baby in Munich.

Bratwurst.

And those are my three consecutive Mustard Yellow belts.

I was going for four and then this.

Massive heart att*ck.

Triple bypass, 85 stitches, goat valve.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

I'm taking care of myself now.

Red wine.

You know, Bill, the last big American to win the Mustard Yellow belt was Steve Keiner in '99.

Since then, all the hot dog competitions have been won by skinny Japanese guys.

: But I still believe in the big man.

Wait a minute.

America isn't the hot dog champion? Well, how could you let that happen? This whole nation is stuffing its face.

Can't one of us do it at record speed? Yeah, it's unfreakin' acceptable, man.

Time for America to get cocky.

Amen, brother.

Aah-aah-aah! Hank Hill, Bill Dauterive, this is Kid Rock competitive eating's fan-o numero uno.

Hell, yeah! Huh, I once canceled a 12-city European tour to watch this grub gobbler chow dog.

Hey, Rock, check out Nozawa between the two big blondes.

Takeru Nozawa.

The reigning champ.

Eats left drinks right.

Not one-five.

Five-oh! Whoa.

Hank Hill.

Ken Irrawaddy.

So, are you an eater? Yeah.

Laotian noodle champion.

I'm branching out into hot dogs.

No kidding.

My neighbor's Laotian.

You know a guy named Kahn? You're going to wear the belt one day, baby.

Hey, Cyndi.

Nozawa.

When are you going to drop these fat American losers and get with number one? Hey.

You'd look damn sexy wearing nothing but my Mustard Yellow Championship belt.

You know, I think your Mustard Yellow belt is going to look pretty good around my fat American gut.

Baby, you're not ready yet not for Nozawa.

Who are you? I'm Big Bill Dauterive.

Come next weekend, I'm going to eat the hell out of you! Hah! Chump! You don't know who you're messing with! Oh, yeah? I'll tell you who you're messing with the USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! USA! Breathe and swallow, Bill! Breath and swallow! Come on, you're eating for America! I don't get it.

Are you training him to be an athlete or a colossal fat-ass? Dang it, Dale.

When did you get to be such a Negative Nellie? Why don't you try being a Positive Pete? Oh, you poor, deluded redneck.

You actually think you can eat more hot dogs than Nozawa? Hah! Personally, my money on Ken Irrawaddy "The Laotian Commotion.

" He the Michael Jordan of Laos.

Keep going, Bill.

You've got to be able to focus with distractions no matter how annoying they are.

Guess you haven't heard of "Belt of Fat theory!" Belt of fat? That why fat guys can't keep up with us skinny Asians.

Your stomachs are trapped in belt of fat.

Got no room to stretch.

Irrawaddy not only skinny and flexible rumor has it he got two stomachs.

Huh.

I met him at a party and his stomach seemed perfectly normal.

You met Irrawaddy?! Was he wearing the scarf I knit for him?! Mom.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Yes, what? Look what I made for Dad in shop class a bird feeder.

Or a shoe box.

I'll let him decide.

Throw down those dogs! Hey, what's Mr.

Dauterive doing? Whatever it is it sure is making him popular.

Is he eating? Let me see that.

What did you do? Obviously you need to work on your adhesives.

I wouldn't show this to your father just yet.

But-but good try.

Okay, now, you just need to rank in the top five to qualify.

So you don't have to dazzle, you just have to place.

Remember, Honey Bear, it's not Roman rules so whatever you do, don't vomit.

You keep those doggies in your tummy and Cyndi will give you the nummy-nummy.

Next up, Nozawa versus Ken Irrawaddy! Irrawaddy! Irrawaddy! Komy yak kin kow laoew! He nod at me! He nod at me! Mmm, they're pretty fast.

But here's the Dauterive's strategy: Start off slow, build the momentum and then kick hard to the finish line.

Those dogs are going down.

Yeah, baby! Yeah, strap on the feed bag, you tragic behemoth.

How many dogs will it take to make you feel whole inside? Shut up, Dale! This man is eating for his country, Dale.

What you're doing is treason.

Nazawa's down.

Ooh! I've hear that sound before.

Hello, colostomy bag.

Laos rules! All fall before the might of Irrawaddy! Irrawaddy: Irrawaddy is now leading the pack.

Last contestant: Dauterive.

You're soloing.

Come on, baby, focus.

It's go time.

Hail the conquering fat-ass! A lonely pig gorging himself on the lips and anuses of his brothers.

Dale, why don't you shut your skinny little no-hot-dog-eating mouth? You know, I figured out what your problem is.

Oh, really? Mm-hmm.

I think you're a little jealous of the Dauterive.

Jealous?! On your mark get set go! Jealous of this? Any idiot can eat hot dogs.

It's not a talent.

Look, I'll go two at a time.

See? It's nothing special.

I can eat three at a time.

Who cares? He's tri-doggin'! Come on, Bill.

Wolf it! Dauterive: New guy: Congratulations, gentlemen.

You both qualify.

What's your name, gladiator? Dale Gribble.

Gribble! Gribble! USA! Gribble! Gribble! USA! Dude, will you sign my face? Huh? What about the Dauterive? Why? Tell me why give me a great gift, only to snatch it away? What did I do, huh? D-Did I ask for too much? Did I fly too close to the sun on my beautiful hot dog wings? Why do you like Dale better?! I hate you! I'm so sorry, I didn't mean that.

Please, help me eat more hot dogs than Dale! Please! Boy, I still can't get over Dale.

What a dogger.

That little alley of yours is turning into quite a freak show.

What do I do now? Ah, dang it, Bill.

I've got to go with the winner tomorrow.

This country's honor is at stake.

Well, I do not know how much longer I can keep Bobby away.

Today he heard Bill training, so I stabbed my thumb with a ballpoint pen to distract him.

Good work.

Thank you.

I think it's infected.

So, have you gotten a chance to read my short story? I kinda had, uh had some stuff to me.

Fresh-baked muffins, anyone? You know I love muffins.

Got any cranberry banana macadamia nut? Actually, that's all I've got.

Oh.

When it comes to muffins, I can't help myself.

I'm a muffaholic.

Mmm! Hey, Hank, Bill baked fresh cranberry banana macadamia nut muffins.

Bill, Boomhauer's allergic to macadamias and you know I don't eat cranberries.

We've had this conversation before.

Wait a minute.

My muffin! Dang it, don't you see what he's doing? He's filling you up so you won't be able to compete today.

That is an outrageous accusation! You're sabotaging your friend and your country.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Yeah, but um oh! I'm sorry! But what am I supposed to do? I want to bring home the Mustard Yellow Belt to America! Me! The Dauterive! Oh, for God sakes, Bill.

I wasn't even planning on going to the competition.

Dale Lady liberty is a proud woman.

She doesn't like to ask her boys for help but when she does blow the horn of freedom I tell you, mister I'm sorry, Hank, but I'm not joining that freak show.

How can you say that? Because I'm a freak! I know! I've been there, and I don't want to go back! 'Sright.

It was the fifth grade.

I had a touch of the social anxiety disorder and medication was not readily available or indeed invented yet.

I had a hard time making connections with people.

Did you see that? Yuck! That guy ate a bug! Eww! Do it again.

By the next week, I was putting on shows at recess.

Eat it! Eat it! Eat it! I was an eating machine crickets, spiders dung beetles.

I thought I was so cool.

Eat it! That's so gross! That is yucky! Eat more! What a freak.

Remember, Bill, just because you have their attention doesn't mean you have their respect.

So Bill, I guess you're America's only hope.

Are you in? I am so in.

Oh Hank? Is there any chance I might be able to get some alone time with Dale and "persuade" him? Keep your pants on, lady.

My wife's hotter than you and she throws more sex at me than I know what to do with.

Cyndi, believe in the big man.

Show me a miracle, baby.

The outlet mall is a bit of a drive but God help me I love those discontinued pantsuits.

Hey, look, the County Fair! Something about a hot dog contest.

I could go for a hot dog.

Maybe even two.

Oh, good, here's another sign.

Mom, what are you doing?! Well, you know, it just occurred to me I have never taken you fishing! Gladiators, hands on the table.

Judges, you ready? On your mark get set eat! Dang it, Irraawaddy's already up two dogs on Bill.

He's got to kick.

Too soon.

He'll flame out! Laos rules Laos rules! Uh, aren't we supposed to have fishing rods? Fishing rods? Have you ever seen a bear use a fishing rod? Here, use the tackle God gave you.

Look, look, there's a sturgeon! Slap it out of the water, Bobby! Where? I don't see it.

Oh, you're scaring him away with all your talk, talk, talking! Look, Bill's kicking! He's kicking! C'mon, work it! He's ahead! Go, Bill! att*ck the dog! att*ck the dog! USA, USA Come on, Irrawaddy! Laos is depending on you! Dauterive! Go, Dauterive! Eat it! Eat it! Is he? Is he? He is! He's quitting! All right, Bill! No! Come on, Bill! USA! USA? Hank I'm full.

I know, buddy.

Just another 15 dogs.

But they're laughing at me.

Do I have to keep doing this? Uh I guess it's for America.

You know, Bill, America doesn't need to win every dang thing to be great.

We've got the Constitution, two George Bushes great toilets.

Hell, we played golf on the moon.

I guess we can let Laos have a stupid wiener contest, can't we? What the hell are you doing?! Bill, you fool, there's still time! Dude, get back in there and eat like the wind! Thank you for the hot dogs, but I've had enough to eat.

I bid you good day.

And the winner Ken Irrawaddy, from Laos! This is the proudest day of my life! Oh, that's it! I'm quitting music and putting on the bib.

So, uh, things still on with Cyndi? No.

Well, at least you got a little chicka-womp-womp.

Actually, we were saving it for tonight.

My idea.

Attaboy, Bill.

Anyone got a breath mint? - Yep.

- Here you go.