07x16 - The Miseducation of Bobby Hill

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FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY and TWENTIETH CENTURY FOX TELEVISION DALE: Eh? Eh? Ooh! Balloon! Whose birthday is it? Joseph's? Or Nancy's? No, wait! It's my birthday, isn't it? Bill, it's a weather balloon.

And your birthday's uh, was last week.

Uh, sorry, Bill.

Happy belated birthday.

Thank you, Hank.

I've got A balloonist's dozen.

Hey, man, how about that dang old dude, man, true story man, it got, got him, all them balloons up in 'em lawn chair, man, going around 16,000 feet, man, that old Bruce Dern played him in a, in a dang old movie, man.

Boomhauer, thatguy almost d*ed.

You can't just strap some weather balloons to a lawn chair and fly to the store for some candy.

That's ridiculous.

(sighs) I need to focus.

Our biggest propane sale of the year starts tomorrow.

I can't afford to be thinking about helium.

Yeah, that's ridiculous, Boomhauer.

This is it.

The Grillstravaganza.

Okay, let's do it.

On three.

One, two, three.

For the customer! Enrique! Nice clip-on.

Looking good.

Donna, thanks for clearing your desk.

I know how much you like your unicorns.

(sighs) Joe Jack, what's with the hat? Sorry, honey.

But this year, I'm going to be selling more grills than you.

In fact, your winning streak's about to go up in flames.

Abra-kazam! Ah, good God, that's hot.

Do you know why I sell the most propane every Grillstravaganza, Joe Jack? I educate the customer so they can make an informed decision.

That's my magic trick.

Oh-oh.

Rabbit done peed on my head.

Boy, that Joe Jack.

He's never going to get anywhere until he learns that sales is all about character.

Well, unfortunately, that is the sort of lesson he will only learn on his deathbed.

And no one wants to buy a grill from a dying man.

Hey, you know who might get a kick out of learning some character? Bobby.

Maybe I'll take him to work.

Show him how his old man pays for his bath salts.

Cookies! Bobby, that's not a cookie.

It's a sales cookie.

When you make a sale, you get a cookie, and you get to ring the bell.

It's asinine, but it works for some people.

(rings bell) The sales cookie's the sweetest cookie you'll ever taste, honey.

Every time I hear a bell, I starts to drooling.

And this is the sales board.

It's like the giant scoreboard at the Masters.

Except instead of Tiger Woods, you have me.

Wow.

Cookies, my name in blue marker What do you want me to sell first? (laughs) You want to make a sale on your first day? (laughs) Ah, God bless you, boy.

Uh, I think you better watch this first.

Morning, sir.

I see you admiring the Vogner line.

Why don't you give these brochures a read, talk them over with your wife, or a trusted older family member, and come back if and when you're ready.

We'll be here.

Okay.

Well, thanks.

Yes! Gives me chills every time.

I don't get it.

You let him leave.

At the end of the month, you'll get it, when my customers return, educated and ready to buy.

That leads us to lesson number one.

So straighten up your tie, 'cause you're going to meet a lady.

This is Lucy the t*nk wipe trainer.

What is exactly does wiping a grimy t*nk have to do with selling propane? Everything.

When you talk tanks with the customer, it won't just be talk.

You'll have smelled, touched, and tasted more tanks than he'll have ever seen.

But I want to sell grills.

When you're ready, you will.

All right, now what you do is wipe from her head down to her feet.

No, no, Bobby, remember "Head to feet, you won't cause a leak.

" "Feet to head, everyone's dead.

" Tether tethered.

BILL: I'm going to be floating with the angels.

What's that g*n for? There is a small to large chance you will develop high altitude pulmonary edema which means your capillaries will flood with fluid, preventing adequate oxygenation and a spiral of worsening hypoxia, leading to a slow and painful death.

I don't think I want that.

That's why I got the g*n.

If you start feeling any shortness of breath, rub your belly, and I will give you one of Dr.

Dale's .

38 caliber pain pills.

What? Don't worry, I'm a good sh*t.

Remove the sandbags, Boomhauer! It works, it works! Oh, it's so beautiful up here.

Okay, when we released the second tether, Bill should gradually float as planned, or he will soar uncontrollably into the stratosphere.

Huh? Cut the cord, Boomhauer.

Wait! He's giving the signal.

Stick out your chest so I can get a clean sh*t at your heart! Oh, man, use that them dang old escape rope, man! (grunting) (screaming) (grunts) I made it! I'm all right! Ow! You're not doing it right! (screaming) Ow, ow! Help! Hey, man, that dang, better sh**t that dang old balloon, man! My eyes! Man, ma dang, dang old Bill's gone, man.

Huh.

BOBBY: Ow.

Ow.

Ow.

Congratulations, Bobby.

That's the pain you get from not taking shortcuts.

(sighs) Okay.

You know, I think he may really have what it takes to be a great propane salesman.

Look, Peggy, he can barely make it to his room.

(Bobby collapses) Aw, he can't.

Hey, Joe Jack.

My dad's making me calibrate all the flanges.

Does this flange look calibrated to you? Um, beats me.

Never learned that stuff.

I just know about moving product.

Wait a minute.

Then why am I stuck back here doing this? All that bunk about learning the fundamentals.

It's just a way to get me to do his grunt work.

Good afternoon, sir madam.

May I help you with one of our fine products? Well, do you actually work here? Yes, I do.

Bobby! No! Buck, I apologize.

This won't happen again.

Hell, I hope it does.

He just sold a Char-King! He what? Hit it out of the park on his first at bat.

Bobby, I'm deputizing you Sales boy! But, sir, he doesn't know the fundamentals.

He didn't sell a grill.

Someone bought it from him.

He's not ready.

Hey, Dad.

What's this sound like? (rings bell) Sounds like I'm ready.

Beginner's luck is a curse, Bobby.

If you don't learn the basics, you'll be just another also-ran instead of a still-running.

Well doing those basics might be your way but it's not my way.

It's not my way; it's the right way.

Ha! If only there were some easy way to figure out whose way works better.

All right, mister, you're on.

Fine! I cook two-inch steaks.

That's my predilection.

Is 22,000 BTUs enough for me? BT what's the what now? BTUs.

You know the heat index.

Uh oh well, the thing with that is uh Yeah, I'd be interested to hear that too, Bobby.

The heat, huh? Well, it ain't going to be as hot as the Dallas Cowboys this season.

Now, they got a team.

Am I right? What are you talking about? Dallas stinks this year.

Which is why you're going to spend Sunday afternoons grilling instead of watching TV.

Amen to that, brother.

BILL: Hello, anyone? Anybody? Santa? No.

Yes! Yes! If you get your parents, I will give you a toy.

(groaning) (screaming) Good-bye, Santa.

I love you.

Plus with a chrome reinforcement, you don't have to worry about her blowing up.

Grills blow up?! Oh, just the cheap ones.

Uh, that's not true, sir.

Every grill we sell here is absolutely safe and of the finest quality.

Oh, are they? Joe Jack, what do you think about the non-chrome grills? What, the widow makers? No, no, I have all the safety information.

Thanks, but I'd rather not take any chances.

I'll go with the chrome one.

You and you my truck, now.

You two are selling propane like it's a diseased pet that needs a home.

That stuff might fly over at Thatherton Fuels, but I'm putting a stop to it.

Mr.

Strickland's happy, the customers are happy.

The only one not happy is you.

But that's not our fault.

It's 'cause you're in a slump.

How many times do I have to tell you? My sales come in at the end of the month.

Okay.

You go the stink on you, and everybody can smell it.

HANK: And then, this morning, I heard Bobby and Joe Jack refer to a customer as a mark.

(sighs) Every single lesson he's learning is wrong.

Well, what do you expect? Joe Jack is racking up sales and from what your son tells me you don't have squat.

Children imitate success, Hank.

I catch my students imitating me all the time.

Peggy, you know my system.

I'll have plenty of success when all my sales come in at the end of the month.

We cannot afford to take that chance, Hank.

According to Rob Reiner, these years are critical for Bobby's core value development.

You've got to dazzle him with sales or he may never listen to you again.

Come on, pick up the pace! But But that's not my system.

Then get a new one.

Just pretend you're one of those jerks at the Sales-a-thon.

Okay, on three: One, two, three.

For Bobby! Hello.

Uh, I would like to sell you a grill now.

Well, we're just lookin'.

Uh, look no further? Oh, great, here we go.

Yep, here we go on an exciting journey that ends with you buying a grill.

(chuckling) Uh, you want me to tell you a joke? So I pulled that tooth I was telling you about.

DALE (on radio): Arlen? Do you read me? Come in, Dale, Boomhauer? Bill, is that you? You didn't say over.

Over.

Dale! Thank God! I need water! I'm in a tree! Be more specific! What town? What type of tree? Over.

(sobbing): I don't know! I fell asleep! Oh, wait! Here come a bunch of kids! Oh, thank God somebody came.

Hey, you.

What you doing up there? Did Eduardo send you? No, see, the wind changed, and I'm just so dizzy How come you're hanging from a tree? You a piñata? Hey, piñata, it's my birthday! (snickering) Oh, no.

(boys laughing) BILL: No! No! Quit it! No! (boys laughing) Wow.

Bill's new ballooning buddies sound like a hoot! I should've gone first.

Uh, Mr.

Strickland, I'm glad you're here.

I know I'm usually kicking it into gear this time of the month and I promise I Aw, don't sweat it, Old Top! So you're in a slump.

Now, come on, I still got plenty of use for you yet.

Thatheron.

Gentlemen, you all know Hank Hill, my number-one salesman Stop stalling, Buck.

Where's your bet? Right here.

I'm betting Hank! What?! If you win, you get him for the week.

All right.

I call.

But, sir, you always bet Joe Jack.

Uh, I can't this time.

He's selling.

You're crapping the big goose egg! All right, bet's on.

Show'em! Two pair, sevens high.

Full house.

No! That's where them aces were hiding.

Hank, you stand there and look like a poker chip.

I'll come get you in a minute.

(sighs) Bobby, everything I told you about sales being patience and character it's all still true.

I didn't show much of either, and now I'm paying the price.

Please promise me you'll learn from my mistakes.

Uh, okay.

Come on, Bobby.

There's some nuns out there who don't know diddly about markup.

When I open this handkerchief, you're credit card will magically be back in one piece.

Alla-ka-sizzle.

Aw, geez.

(uncomfortable laugh) This here's our crown jewel.

Ourwet apron contest.

You do good by me, I'll let you work the hose.

You told me I could bang the dents out of my canister with a hammer! Are you trying to k*ll me?! I, uh what I meant to say was, uh I'll get the manager.

Uh, Bobby, I'm not good with unhappy customers.

That's your old man's specialty.

If they ask for me, I'm, uh uh Yeah.

Good luck, Bob! (customers clamoring) speak to the manager, please! Please be patient, ma'am.

I can't find my pen.

Joe Jack, so help me God.

If you took my pen again.

You don't know anything about the BTUs on this grill! It took me four hours to cook my two-inch steaks! I, uh, maybe Look, free cookies! Cookies? I'm a diabetic.

Get back here! He's gettin' away! Follow him! Uh, sure, this grill is perfect for indoor grilling.

Or heating.

And we at Thatherton guarantee that the gas will never ever run out.

(quietly): He won me in a card game.

Get out of here while you still can.

Run! Run! Run! That way! I just saw a jet ski payment run out the door.

What happened? Look, I can sell propane upside-down and blindfolded, but notwith my integrity tied behind my back.

There must be some sort of honest work that needs to be done around here.

Hey, mister, have you seen Hank Hill? Dad? What are you doing wiping tanks? I thought that grunt work was only for rookies.

(sighs) Bobby, did you listen to anything I tried to tell you? The great ones practice the basics.

So you thought I could be a great one, too? I trusted you with the flanges on your second day.

I think that says it all.

Things are kind of melting down over at Strickland.

We need you back.

Well, I still got a debt to pay here.

Uh, Mr.

Strickland gave me the Huh.

That must just be the first installment.

Let's go satisfy some customers.

(dry croaking) Your turn.

(crowd clamoring) All right, who can I help first? What seems to be the problem? Well, my t*nk ran out.

It was supposed to be a 50-gallon t*nk.

Ma'am, that's only a ten-gallon t*nk.

Must've been a miscommunication.

I'll take care of it.

I'm glad you are now officially satisfied.

That was some day, huh, Bobby? Actually, it was pretty horrible.

Tick ticka-ticka.

Come on, baby.

I'm sorry you're not going to get the sales award this year, Dad.

Maybe I should get back to Lucy.

It's foot to head, right? No, then everyone's dead, Bobby.

Remember, it's head to feet, but we'll work on that tomorrow.

Why don't you go lock the door for me? Closin' time! Joe Jack is the winner And Hank Hill is the loser.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

I'll take this one, too, slumpy.

And what can I do you for? You're the guy who gave me the brochures.

Hmm.

The first time I read them, they made no sense.

But then, it started sinking in It usually does.

BOBBY: So the guy says, "I'm switching my trailer park to propane.

I need 500 tanks.

" A minute before closing! You should've seen Joe Jack! He pulled a flask out of his desk and started drinking.

It was so funny! Yep, every Grillstravaganza is different, but they always end the same.

WGBHaccess.

Wgbh.

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