07x21 - Night and Deity

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to the Audubon Society's and Peggy Hill's First Annual Backyard Bird Count.

Look! The rare and beautiful Texas Nuthatch.

Well, write it down, people! Write it down! I have asked our Native American friend, John Redcorn, to join us as our expert bird identifier.

My people believe, when the world was new, the creator made all the birds.

He colored their feathers and told them to greet each day with a chorus of songs.

Why you stop fooling around with that John Redcorn? He is so smoking, smoking hot.

Hey, Dale's hot, too in his own way.

Gribble team ready.

I'm assuming you'll want the heads for identification purposes.

You're supposed to count the birds, Dale.

Eventually, they will be counted.

Oh! A bird! It's so, so beautiful.

Ow.

Get off.

Get off! Get off me! Dang it, Dale.

You are a professional exterminator.

You said you could handle this.

I'm on it.

These birds don't stand a chance against this ultrasonic bird distress emitter.

I was up all night listening to sounds that'll drive you crazy.

How long does this have to go on for?! Forever! Scram.

Move! Scoot.

Go.

I can't get inside these pigeons' heads! Bill, you're a filthy flocking animal.

Would this scare you? Ooh.

No.

That's it.

This job is too much for me.

It's time to bring in the big g*n, the top-shelf pigeon exterminator of Heimlich County, the pigeon god.

Well, great.

Call him up.

She's a woman, and are you a fool? The pest-control world isn't your fuzzy-colored, propane candy land where you can just call people.

To get the baddest of the baddest ass, promises must be exchanged, payola paid, reputations put on the line.

Sounds kinda scary.

Oh, it is, and then some.

If the pigeon god or to her parents, Sheila Refkin, Ph.

D decides to stoop down to help our piddly little cause, it will be as if witnessing the beginning of time! Three more days and I am 21.

Whoo! This is so exciting.

I'm gonna be so much older and maturer.

Oh, I'm gonna get really wasted at my party, so would one of you guys be my designated driver? I'd love to.

Wow.

Thanks, Aunt Peggy.

I will make your birthday party so much fun, and I can be there to gently remind you that as the daughter of an alcoholic, you have a genetic g*n pointed at your head, and with every drink you are adding another b*llet to the chamber.

Would you be my designated driver? No, I-I don't really No.

It's okay, Uncle Hank.

I'll just drive home drunk.

There are so many great things I can crash my car into a ditch, a telephone pole, a bus load of babies! Fine.

Bobby, eat your chicken! I can't eat this.

They're watching me.

I did it.

A meeting has been arranged with the pigeon god's assistant.

We leave in five.

He's not here yet.

It's a setup! Oh.

Be cool.

Ako mangiangan ang kalapati diyos.

Hmm.

Siya nasain maari diyan bukas.

Arlen's best exterminator is coming to our alley.

What should I have her sign? My canister? My traps? My face? Oh, my God! If I start acting like a fool, take me out with this poison.

Oh, wow.

How y'all doing? Sheila Refkin, Heimlich County Pest Management.

This is one impressive infestation.

Was this neighborhood built on a landfill? Uh Dale Gribble.

Uh! Dale's Dead Bug! Did I say Dale's Bug Dead? Idiot! Dale Gribble! Whoa, that's some kinda spray wand you got there.

Bet you could blast one hell of a gopher with that thing.

I could blast through a horse to get to the gopher.

Look at the way she applies that chemical.

She has clearly read the directions.

Man, that dang ol' Sheila, looking all pretty like that, man.

I'm talking 'bout my bedroom.

Not talking about no pigeons, man.

Dale, honey! Would you mind grabbing a caulking g*n and helping me out? Do you know how many years I've wished Peggy would ask me that? Naah! I don't deserve to be administering chemical next to an exterminator of your magnitude.

I'm also not licensed to.

Oh, pooh.

You have to squeeze the trigger gently.

Just pretend like you're holding a pretty girl's hand.

Pigeons hate anything sticky on their feet.

When the gel gets on their foot, they fly away because they can't handle the sensation.

Eh! and then Luanne ditches me for Hank.

I have driven for 20 years without an accident one that wasn't my fault, anyway.

Who is that woman? Oh, that's the new hotshot exterminator.

Anyway, so Luanne says to me She's trouble.

But wouldn't that be poetic justice? I come back to Dale, and then he runs off with another woman? Oh I would say it's ironic, but you're the one it's happening to.

You can call it what you want.

Excuse me.

Dang ol' Nancy! I was just telling Boomhauer that Sheila's can and your can share some striking similarities.

Show him your can, Nancy.

I don't think so.

You know I don't like you looking at other ladies' areas.

How can I help it? She's got your hot bod and my hot mind.

It's like some science experiment that's gone horribly right.

Dale, honey! Could you bring me up the Johnson's Pestgo Bird Repel Gel 320ml? Oh, man.

I could talk about the Johnson's Pestgo Bird Repel Gel 320 mil for the rest of my life.

Hey, Nancy, could you grab it for me? It's right behind you.

You have no idea what that is! Oh, I-I shouldn't laugh at you.

But when you picked up the Diazanon Oh, I got to send that in to "Bugs and Giggles.

" Yep.

Yep.

Mmm.

Mmm-hmm.

You're so funny.

Yup.

Pardon us for being excited.

We're unleashing some pretty supreme chemical in the alley this afternoon.

Tell them about the chemical, will ya, huh? Well, as you know, pigeons live in a flock.

So we pick the alpha male.

Then we feed him a mild hallucinogen called Avitrol.

Which is cleverly disguised as a kernel of corn.

Bill, don't eat any corn on your lawn.

And then the other pigeons see their alpha male flipping out.

They say, "Hey, we don't want any of that mess, " and the flock relocates itself.

Isn't she a freaking genius?! No, wait.

She's a god.

Oh So I'm doing an overnight at the Econosuites this weekend.

Pigeons, rats, silverfish.

You feel like coming along? You're asking me to join you on your route? I'd love to.

And tomorrow they're going on an overnight extermination job just like when John Redcorn and I went on our "migraine cruise" to Ensenada.

Well, you need to tell Dale just to back off! Use this if you have to.

Oh, how can I say anything to him? I was Unchristian to Dale for a long time.

I just want my sug back, sug.

Maybe you should try to be more involved in Dale's life.

You know, be a bigger part of his world.

But Dale's world is so I don't really want No, I wouldn't either, but you seem to want to save this thing.

Yep.

Mm-hmm.

I totally agree with you, Sheila.

The second Lionel Jefferson was much better.

The first guy was all 'fro, no show.

Are we simpatico or what? I'm on the phone.

Sheila, let me call you back.

Fine.

Here's my ear Touch it.

I k*lled a spider in the kitchen today.

I cannot explain the rush I got.

So I was thinking there must be all kinds of fun stuff to k*ll on your route.

Mind if I tag along? I dunno, Nancy.

It takes a special kinda lady to do what I do.

I can be a special kinda lady.

Ah! Nancy! sh**t it! This is what you do?! So I'll pick you up at midnight? Honk twice so I don't sh**t ya! Sug.

Sugar.

Suggie, sug, sug.

I just wanted to come out here and give you a little present for including Dale on this big job tonight.

It's a gift certificate.

I figured a hard-working woman like yourself might enjoy a nice massage.

"John Redcorn's New Age Healing Center.

" Sounds relaxing.

Make sure to ask for the "migraine special.

" That's the "migraine special.

" Oh, look at the certificate.

It expires in two hours.

You should go now.

Now.

Are there any special areas you'd like me to focus on? Well, Nancy Gribble said I should ask for the "migraine special"? I'm sure Nancy told you about the time I cured four of her migraines in one night.

Actually, I'm really more Dale's friend.

It's weird.

Dale and I have only known each other a few days, but we have this, um almost primal connection.

You know, like bugs do.

To receive the full benefit of my therapeutic massage, you must quiet your mind.

Oh, I can't help it.

I'm so excited about my job tonight.

Dale and I have so much fun together.

The other day, as a practical joke, he put a dead possum in my Igloo cooler.

We laughed! Dale What am I supposed to wear to Luanne's birthday party? I need something that says, "I am not some weird, old guy in the bar.

I am here against my will.

" Some kind of designated driver you are.

Pressure's already too much for you, huh? Well, God help Luanne.

Oh! Happy birthday, Luanne! Nancy, I feel I should warn you.

Man, this is an awkward call.

I think this woman is interested in Dale.

You shouldn't let him go out tonight.

Well, that's why I sent her to you.

What about the massage? It was just a massage.

And she assumed the tip was included in the gift certificate.

What's up, Hefner? Hey, you take that back.

I am the designated driver, and I'd like a wristband that reflects that.

That guy is so handsome.

And you can tell by how hard he's laughing at that lady's joke, that he's got a great sense of humor.

He's got a great sense of ass in those jeans.

Hey, hey, hey.

don't normally pick up chicks in bars.

Oh, God, no, no, no.

I can't be here for this.

Hey, what's your name, beautiful? It's Luanne, but you could call me beautiful.

I'm totally flirting in a bar! I have never needed a beer so bad in my entire life.

I don't normally pick up chicks in bars, but you're special.

Kind of like the sunrise in Italy.

Have you ever been? You would love it.

Oh, my God! Are you inviting me to go to Italy with you? I'm sorry, but this is just so asinine.

I'm going to get another free soda.

The sunrise You ready? Pop-per! Pop-per! Pop-per! No, I I am the designated Aw! Oh, I tell ya, man, that dang ol' pigeon's freakin' out, man.

It's the chemicals.

He's tripping.

And pretty hard.

Come on.

We'll get you through this, little fella.

I don't know why you need to go out with her tonight, but I'm not going to stop you.

I'm so nervous.

Can you smell my armpit? I don't think my deodorant's working.

Dale, you cannot go! You just tell your little friend to go on home.

Well, that's not very friendly.

I never told you to tell your friend John Redcorn to go home.

See you in the morning.

This is going to be a long night, sug.

Thanks for waiting with me.

Mm-hmm.

We will get through this together.

Maintain Maintain Maintain Yeah, man, you're just home, you know, just chillin' with your lady in your ol' nest, you know.

You got little bird in the sky, man.

You know, you did poop on my car, you know, but we'll talk about that later, you know.

Don't worry about it right now, you know.

Ah.

I just fell down, and you know why? I'm drunk.

So am I! But you're our driver.

I can't drive, and you can't drive.

How are we going to drive if we can't drive? Yeah, I know, it's terrible, but I put this song on.

It's mine.

You've played the same damn song six times in a row.

"New rule"you can't listen to my song anymore.

Oh.

I'm having so much fun, you guys.

Ah, happy birthday, Luanne.

Let's do this every Friday night.

This is so great.

For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm really detecting rat urine.

Dale, all we ever talk about is work.

Let's take a break.

This is beautiful.

Where are we? It's where I park when the world doesn't make any sense to me.

Does this make any sense? No! Look at all those pests out there.

I wonder if we'll ever win this w*r.

Don't you just find the mating habits of animals fascinating? When a pigeon wants to mate, it makes this noise.

Interesting.

When cockroaches want to mate, they flush all the air out of their book lungs.

It sounds kind of like Well, it's getting late.

You want to go downstairs? I got us a room.

I'm warming up some brandy in the coffee maker.

Wait a second.

Are you attempting to know me? Dale, you are one of the sweetest, gentlest, funniest men I've ever met.

True, but Sheila, I'm married.

It's just us tonight.

Oh, no, missy.

There are three people here tonight.

You, me and my wife.

I've taken two oaths in my life.

One to the NRA and the other to Nancy Hicks-Gribble, nee Nancy Hicks.

I stood in front of God and all my friends swearing to be an honorable and truthful man.

So I'm not going to lie, I h-have felt a very small, insect-like attraction for you, but my wife is the greatest woman there ever was.

I think you should go.

Geez, woman, take a hint.

You heard me.

I love my wife.

Dale? Man, you should have seen the size of this roach I couldn't k*ll.

We are never staying at the Econosuites.

Hey, did you know Sheila was trying to come on to me? No.

Really? Yeah, she was all over me.

It was weird.

She knows I'm married.

Oh, wingo, I didn't miss my show.

You want to watch it with me? Sure.

That was a hell of a night.