07x23 - The Witches of East Arlen

[bunniefuu]

Budding thespians of TLMS, I give you the cast list of Oklahoma! I'm in a dance number.

It will be an honor to work with you.

I think you'll find my portrayal of Curly to be both sensitive and gruff.

Now, where are you, Curly? Ah! Hello there.

Ken Hayashi? Sorry, Bobby.

Kenny just has a certain "rootin' tootin" ' quality about him.

His brother had it, too.

Yee-haw! Wonderful! Let's get a move on! I want to get to the flea market while the tube sock guy is still there.

Oh, Hank, just cut the pom-poms off and wear a pair of mine.

Our boy is just sulking in bed in his pajamas and a cowboy hat.

You know, if you ask me, there might be a silver lining to him not being a dancing cowboy.

Hank, we both know he is not like you, but you are still his father, so go in there and sympathize with him.

It's just the tube sock always brings that old German Shepard, and if it gets too hot, I know he's going to have to take him home.

I just can't believe it.

I thought it was meant to be.

Ah, yeah, I know.

I know.

It's terrible.

It's just terrible.

Terrible.

It's a beautiful day out there.

Why don't you get dressed, uh, throw out that hat and go hang out with your friends? I can't.

Joseph's at football practice, and Connie's at one of her recitals.

They both got things they're good at.

I always thought performing was my thing.

You've seen me fall down.

I can cry on demand.

Why?! See? Uh well, we just need to find you a new thing.

A cool new thing, and I know just the place to find it.

Ah, the flea market.

It's like America's garage.

You know, somewhere in all this old stuff is the new you, son.

Hey, a lawnmower engine.

Get a truck dolly and an old steering wheel, and you could be "The Go Cart Guy.

" Ah, come on, it's not that hot.

Here.

Why don't you take a lap? See what you come up with.

Hey, what are those? Oh, those are Tarot Cards.

People use them to tell the future.

They're like baseball cards for Hobbits! I'll take 'em! Hey, Bobby, ready to roll? Oh, so you found something.

Yeah.

I bought these really cool cards.

Well, all right, Bobby! Everybody respects a guy who's good at cards.

Really? Well, sure.

That's why they always get nicknames like "Amarillo Slim" or "The Cincinnati Kid.

" I know, I'll call you "Ace!" Now focus all your energy on this card, and it will foretell your future.

The ten of swords it means advantage, profit, success.

Well, hey, that's great.

Things have been going pretty well for me, you know, with my girlfriend, Laoma, and Oh, wait, it's upside down.

That means something.

Pain, affliction, tears, sadness, desolation.

Oh, for the love of Mordecai.

Oh, I see you're into Tarot.

How long have you divined the cards? Couple of days.

It's kind of my thing.

The only thing you can predict with these is a coincidence.

No.

If you want any accuracy at all, you need a Mantegna deck, or at least a Fibbia.

Huh.

Sounds like you really know what you're talking about.

Yeah.

Sounds like.

As a 14th-level sorcerer, I'd be a joke if I didn't.

Of course, forecasting the future is just the beginning.

The real power of magick and that's magick with a "ck" comes in manipulating the present.

Ward! I told you to clean that bathroom a half hour ago.

I'm right on it, chief! Hey, I want to learn more about this stuff.

Listen, young friend, do not let anyone see this address.

Arrive exactly at the stroke of four.

Ward! And bring some potato chips.

Today, Merlin! Damn it, Dale, you got to stop painting your house number on my curb.

Sorry, Hank, but I got to lay low for a while.

You have no idea how far the jackals of the Franklin Mint will go to collect a debt.

Is it okay if I'm a little late for dinner? My friend Ward invited me to a gathering.

Gee, Bobby, you put me in an awkward position.

You really should be asking your father.

Well, who's this Ward fella? I met him at the video store.

He saw my card pouch, and we got to talking.

So I'm going to hang out with him and his friends tonight.

I'm bringing the chips.

Well, see, Bobby, I knew you'd find your "thing.

" And doesn't that sound like more fun than being in a musical about Oklahoma? Welcome to the Coven of Artemis! Wow! Cool lair.

I suppose introductions are in order.

Bobby, meet Vaughn, N'oram Woodbender, Pan the Soothsayer, and of course, the Master of Disaster Mitchell Jefferson.

You can't just bring outsiders to our meetings! It's okay, Mitchell.

He's cool.

You're supposed to I said, he's cool! Welcome.

Bobby, be forewarned.

Because of the powers of the Coven, people fear us.

When we walk down the streets, mothers steer their babies away.

Shopkeepers close their stores.

Holy! This looks like something out of Harry Potter.

Dude, I just vouched for you.

If Harry Potter went to hell.

This, Bobby, is nutmeg, and we use this spice for? Um, oh, I remember.

Give me a second invincibility.

Resplendant! The spices sit easily upon you.

Oh I see you boys are making a cake.

A cake?! Yeah.

A cake of tremendous power! Score one for the acolyte.

Fumble, Joseph Gribble.

As much as I hate seeing my boy play badly, I do enjoy hearing his name over the loudspeaker.

Sorry, but I got to blow off the last quarter.

I told the guys I'd meet them in the parking lot.

Know when to hold 'em, Ace.

Go get 'em, Shuffles! Uh-oh.

Ace is going to need this.

Hey, any of you kids seen Bobby Hill Blonde hair, card player That's okay, he must be tailgating over there.

Forces of fire, beings of the south, we command you to rise and lend us your power! Interloper! What the hell are you people doing? Hey, Dad! Bobby? Meet the guys.

Or as we like to call ourselves: The Coven of Artemis.

Here I am thinking you're playing a nice, honest game of poker, and instead you're summoning the Prince of Dragons?! Hey, check out the dork! Jedi Knight, 10:00.

Hey, what's with Yoda? You can't play poker with these cards, Dad.

That's a good way to bring down the wrath of Lud.

It's all here in the book I bought.

Forty-five dollars?! The family Bible costs less that that, and it was written by Jesus.

Yeah, but this book tells you how to summon wood nymphs and water sprites.

All right, look, I know you're at an age where you think all this stuff is interesting, but believe me it really isn't.

But you told me to find a new thing.

And then when I do, you just want to take it away from me.

They're my circle of power.

: Believe me, Bobby, I'm doing it for your own good.

Now we're not going to tell your mother about this.

I know she shields me from a lot of the things you do, and, well, I'm going to return the favor on this one.

Harness the energy of the crystal.

Well, done, N'oram! Your powers are growing stronger.

Hey, guys.

Ah, young apprentice.

Something is on your mind.

I can sense it.

My dad says I can't hang out with you guys anymore.

I guess he thinks magick is dumb.

Magick is "dumb"? Does this look dumb? F'zah! Don't make me come over there! N'oram, are you trying to get us kicked out of here? Sorry.

Bobby, the problem with your father is he's "ungifted.

" Our kind have always been persecuted by those who understand not.

From the Salem trials of the 1600s to the locker room beatings and bathroom swirlies of today.

'Tis all one.

So that's why my dad is so weird about this.

He's threatened by my powers.

Bobby, the mark of Merlin is upon you.

When you have completed your training, you will be a White Wizard! Really? Wow! What do I have to do? When can I start? Your training begins now.

You can start by refilling my root beer.

It was wise that you came to me, but be forewarned that I am merely the vessel through which the powers flow.

Are you going to help us get our kickball off the roof? Silence! By the breath of Heckatees, I summon the winds of the north to blow! Blow, I say! Bobby, a word, please.

Resplendant! Before we get started, I'd like to know the proper term for your religion.

You know, what's the politically correct term for "witch"? Hank, what is going on here? Uh, nothing.

Bobby just got a little carried away with this new club, but there's nothing to worry about.

He's quitting.

I think everyone's just a little uptight.

Why don't I summon up a tranquillity spirit so we can all rest easy.

Oh, powers of ancient Boolardune I can't have him praying in my office.

School board's very clear on that.

He's not praying.

And he's stopping right now.

Hank, I may be a mother, but I am still a woman, and I know a girl repellent when I see it.

I want grandchildren! Will you fix this?! Uh, Mr.

Rackley? Yes.

Yeah, I'd like to have a word with you about your son, Ward.

You see, he and my boy, Bobby, are playmates Excuse me.

But I'm Ward Rackley.

You're Ward Rackley? It's one of my many monikers, yes.

I'm also known as Madelgar of the North Woods, and in certain company, Austin Osman Starklarvatard.

How old are you? 30? 40? Ha! Not even close.

I am 5,000.

Don't you have some friends your own age? Someone to drink with, maybe a girlfriend? And waste my seed on a common harlot? Not likely.

When the time is right, a maiden will be delivered up to me.

Probably from the east.

Some of this isn't your fault.

I mean, a man can only take so many wedgies before he goes to pieces.

Good luck to you, buddy.

And stay away from my son, or I'll kick your ass.

You don't understand who you thr*aten.

I have powers.

Terrible powers! Ma! Okay, we tried it your way; now you're doing it my way.

This is a carburetor.

Take it apart, put it back together.

Repeat until you're normal.

But, Dad, the Dark Arts are nothing to be afraid of.

I'm not afraid of that garbage.

I'm afraid of you getting your ass kicked every day for the rest of your life because you found a new way to act like a nerd.

Ward said you wouldn't understand.

Bobby, you don't need a crystal ball to see Ward's future.

He's going to live with his mother until she dies, and maybe for a few weeks after.

Now, until you stop with all this nonsense, I want you to take your carburetor and go to your room.

I know my dad must've come off as some kind of nut job, but you've got to believe, I'm completely committed to our power circle.

Are you? I wonder.

I'd think you'd be able to control your father as effectively as I control Mother.

Nevertheless, Bobby's daddy has shown us that persecution of our kind is on the rise.

Perhaps it's time to take our powers to the next level.

Yeah! Approved! Tonight we are going to kick it up a notch and summon a dread force that will bestow upon us unequaled power! And of course we'll need someone to be the chalice holder.

I'll do it.

Excellent, my young apprentice.

You'll earn that White Wizard cone yet.

We will convene at the ceremony grounds at half past the eighth hour.

Assuming that fat ass let's me leave on time.

Cool.

So, uh, what does the chalice holder do, anyway? You hold the chalice during the incantation.

Then, right after we light the candles, you drink caninus spiritus.

What's caninus spiritus? Dog blood.

What?! You are the chosen one, Bobby.

Soon, and for all time, you will be known throughout the land as Robert the Dog-Quaffer.

Have you, uh, checked out John Redcorn's New Age Healing Center? You really should.

On Friday nights, John Redcorn and his band, Big Mountain Fudge Cake, will be playing.

I'm John Redcorn.

I told you, no more fliers.

Hey, Bobby, you like to rock.

Huh? I'm just reading up on ancient ceremonies where people had to drink animal blood.

Aah, there's got to be a loophole somewhere.

You're losing me.

You can't tell anyone this.

Promise me? Bobby, I give you my oath as a New Age healer.

Okay.

This group of guys I hang with, we're doing a ceremony tonight, and they want me to drink the dog blood.

Dog? Eww! That's just weird.

I have to do it.

I can't do theater.

I can't do sports.

If I can't drink something gross, what have I got? I had a breakthrough last night with my fruit rehydrator.

Can you believe a mere 12 hours ago, these plump, luscious grapes were raisins? Hank, there's something that I think you should know.

Something very personal and disturbing.

Sounds like we should leave.

What is it, John Redcorn? Bobby's going to drink dog blood.

Aah! Aah! Aah! What?! It's part of some ceremony his friends have cooked up, and it's going down tonight.

No gottdang way.

I'm not going to let Bobby be branded a freak for the rest of his life.

Before we get started, a debt of gratitude is owed to Brother Vaughn for procuring the offering.

My mom's new boyfriend's a veterinarian.

He lets me call him Rick.

Resplendent! Now, everyone, if you would all be so good as to take your positions on the pentagram.

Uh, Ward, a pentagram has five points, but there's only four bases.

Why do you always test me, Mitchell? Just go stand at shortstop.

We don't have your cat.

I'm looking for my son, Bobby.

Is Ward there? Well, his bicycle isn't here, so he must be gone.

Want to come in? Oh Whoops.

We humbly come before you to ask for your magnificent strength and wisdom All right, everybody, party's over.

Oh, sorry.

I'm looking for a bunch of warlocks.

Warlocks? You know, nerds in capes and stuff.

Oh, yeah.

We kicked them out about an hour ago.

The tall guy geeked hard.

I cast a spell on his ass with my foot.

And now, in the melding of our joint worlds, our White Wizard will ingest the elixir caninus spiritus.

White Wizard, White Wizard White Wizard, White Wizard.

Bobby, now.

Do it now.

Uh I don't know if I'm ready for this.

Every gifted one passes through the bog of doubt.

Now, do it! I can't.

You have to.

Do it now, before the moon wanes.

Yeah, ye-yes, right! Before the moon wanes.

I'm sorry.

L-I just can't do it.

It's gross.

Then we will have to destroy you.

Menta, besa, lorta, orga.

Menta, besa, lorta.

Oh, my God! My dad was right about you guys.

Under these cool robes and hats, you're all just a bunch of losers.

Silence, insolentone! Accept your fate.

F'zah! You guys are so nerdy, even I feel like giving you a wedgie.

I was wrong about him.

He is ungifted and deserves nothing but our censure.

Thanks for the robe, fellas.

Oh, there's some dragon feathers in the pocket.

Help yourself.

Well, I guess I was able to make him disappear.

Mitchell, how would you like to be the chalice holder? No? Anybody? Well, no reason to waste to perfectly good caninus spiritus.

Let's find an overpass.

Bobby! Hey, Dad.

Are you okay? You, uh, you didn't drink the dog blood, did you? Me? Drink dog blood? That's not my thing.

Well, good for you.

I mean, to tell you the truth, those guys are a little pathetic.

Can you believe Ward was wearing socks with his sandals? Unbelievable.

I guess I still need to find exactly what my thing is.

Well, that's okay, son.

You've still got time.

I didn't really find football till high school.

And I was in my twenties when I found propane.

What's wrong with wearing socks with sandals? Resplendent!