08x17 - How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Alamo

[bunniefuu]

We are now finished with the American history portion of our class.

So today we begin our unit on Texas history.

Yes! Texas history! I can't wait to tell my dad! There'll be steaks for dinner tonight.

My book is broken.

Well, listen more carefully.

Tada! New textbooks? They're so, they're so beautiful.

Now don't let the science teachers hear about this.

Their bunsen burners have been hooked up to nothing for years.

I never even seen a new textbook.

Now I get to decide who gets mustaches and who gets devil horns.

Okay, now remember these represent Texas and a lot of money.

So keep your naked ladies and your words to rock songs out of the margins.

You doodle in these books and I am going to doodle you an F.

Now that's what I call a clean pair of glasses.

What are you looking for, Bobby? A cover for my new text book.

Fire up the grill, Dad, we just started Texas history.

Texas history? Son, today you are officially a Texan.

Congratulations.

Bobby, you can't cover a book that important with aluminum foil.

You need to use a paper bag.

Okay.

This one's pretty.

No! I've got a brown paper bag in the garage.

And your mother only went here to buy athletic socks.

They make a very good athletic sock.

I'm sorry, I can't go walking, Sug.

I have to answer this mail that came to the station.

Well, that's okay.

I'm on that all-you-can-eat bacon diet and my time would probably be better spent eating more bacon.

Listen to this.

"Because of your inaccurate forecast, "my wedding was ruined, you ass.

" Oh, my God, look at that picture.

She is dripping wet.

This, Sug, is the ugly side of meteorology.

It isn't all free makeup samples and riding in a convertible in the Arlen Day parade.

What the hell is this? Some kind of voodoo doll? My nose is not that big.

That is Flat Stanley.

Teachers have their students send them out to far away places.

Then you take pictures of him, send it back, and the kids learn about geography.

What do these people want from me? I am not God.

Although I am not teaching at school this week, the world is my classroom, Nancy.

I'll take care of Flat Stanley.

Now, I'll start with a photo at Lake Arlen.

Is it going to rain today? (chuckles): Why am I asking you? Well, Bobby sure is lucky.

He's got 30 more years of Texas history to learn then we did.

I defy anyone to sit through that class without becoming a man of courage and conviction.

I truly believe that if I hadn't taken Texas history I'd be dead by my own hand.

Dad, you've got to help me! My first Texas history test is tomorrow and I left my textbook at school! Can't use Joseph's! Don't worry.

I still have my old textbook.

You can study from that.

Didn't they make you turn it in? The student with the highest grade got to keep their textbook.

Back then they knew how to motivate a teenager.

Thanks, Dad.

I don't want to fail and end up in summer school.

There's no air conditioning and half the kids are pregnant.

Well, no son of mine is going to flunk Texas history.

Now what does the test cover? Texas 1830 to 1840.

That's the Texas Revolution.

If you were only going to learn one piece of Texas history, that'd be the one.

New Year's Day, 1830.

The smell of fresh chopped cottonwood wafted across the plains.

This isn't in the book, I just wanted to set the mood.

PEGGY: Now this is the perfect place to take a picture of Flat Stanley.

More frozen poultry passes through this loading dock than any other in Heimlich County.

It is like the Ellis Island for dead chickens.

Aunt Peggy, I have a Flat Stanley question.

Why is he flat? Exactly, Luanne.

And if you're asking that, how many other eight-year-olds who send us Stanley, ask the same thing.

Why is Flat Stanley flat? Because he wasn't careful and got tragically and painfully flattened.

Flat Stanley can do more than just teach geography.

He can save lives.

Put him under that semi.

I will call this one Look Both Ways Before Dying.

Dad, I failed! Failed what? My Texas history test.

Looks like I'm on my way to summer school.

But how? We went over everything.

Didn't you listen? Yes! Steven F.

Austin, imprisoned 1833! Battle of Gonzalez, 1835! But none of that stuff was on the test.

"The planting of the first Poinsettias?" Is that your new book? Let me see it.

"The Introduction of the Accordion"? A whole chapter on Selena? Where are the chapters about the Alamo? Oh, here we go.

"The Alamo was a mission in present-day San Antonio.

Population 1.

5 million.

" That's it? Maybe the Alamo just isn't that important.

It is the most inspiring event in all of Texas history! Heroes giving their lives so that Texas could be free.

There's got to be more in here.

Wait, wait.

I think I saw something else about it.

Oh, that's the first Taco Bell.

How can you call a book Texas history when there's barely any history in it? You familiar with a little thing called the "Serenity Prayer," Hank? Because this is one of those things I can't change.

But where's the Texas history we grew up with, Carl? You wore a coonskin cap from the eighth through the 11th grade.

Davy Crockett isn't even mentioned in here.

Sorry, Hank, but you're going to have to take your complaint to the school board.

Hey, and while you're there, could you ask 'em why it's taking so long to get some chalk? But don't say I told you to ask.

(g*nf*re) (shouting): Now, firearm safety is one of the most important issues facing our children today.

Would it be easier to just have the children not to sh**t g*ns? Snap out of your dream world, Luanne! Fire! Aunt Peggy, no! How many times does he have to get sh*t? Until he learns his lesson.

Mr.

Hill, these are several factors we have to consider when ordering textbooks.

They have to be relevant to today's kids and hold their attention.

We're competing against MTV, you know.

No, you're not.

The fact is, some things just have to go.

Our lawyers are very concerned about the weight of books.

Do you know how long it takes for a 60-pound kid with a 20-pound backpack to destroy his back? We actually used that question in the new math books.

But the Texas Revolution, how could you not include that? It was making a lot of people uncomfortable.

Who?! Lawyers, mostly.

But these kids are Texans.

They need to feel like Texans.

Yeah! These kids aren't learning anything! Well (chuckles): you got Tuttle's vote.

Maybe the two of you can build some kind of coalition and come back when we order our next new textbooks in 2032.

Bruce Tuttle.

I was here trying to get some seed money for an educational film of the life and times of LBJ.

They wouldn't spring for it.

LBJ would make a great movie.

And in this "textbook" all they've got is one picture of him lifting his dog by the ears.

And that was for a unit on active seniors.

Fighting those idiots has got me starving.

You hungry? I could eat.

There's more Texas history on this place mat than in all of my son Bobby's textbook.

You know, down near San Antonio they do a reenactment of the Battle of Goliad every week.

It stinks, but at least they got their sh*t.

Hey, if they can do that, why can't we put on a reenactment of the Alamo? That'd be a great way to teach the kids.

Sure.

But there's no way the school board would pay for it.

Maybe they won't have to.

I bet Buck Strickland will foot the bill.

He was talking about sponsoring a soccer team, but this is a much better use of the money.

Is it okay if I write and direct it? I write the flyer for the feed store and always wanted to branch out.

I read that flyer.

That's a good flyer.

Thanks.

It's my baby.

They don't pay me, but still, it's a credit.

But this reenactment it could really be something that makes people sit up and take notice.

Let's do it.

Hey, this calls for a celebration.

What kind of pie says heroism? Strawberry.

Of course.

Oh, stupid Texas history.

I can't believe I'm going to summer school.

They don't even serve lunch just raisins and skim milk.

And they only open one bathroom.

I am sure you won't have to go to summer school.

No one really wants to teach it.

Just try to do some extra credit.

I have students hold doors for me.

Now, please put your finger here so I can staple his groin together.

HANK: Bobby, Peggy, I just met a man named Bruce Tuttle, and we're doing a historical reenactment of the Alamo.

A reenactment? Hey, that could be my extra credit.

Can I be in it? Well, Bruce did say a lot of the soldiers were teenagers.

I bet he could use someone like you to keep it authentic.

That's my specialty keeping it real.

Authentic, Bobby, authentic.

Yep.

If the school won't teach my boy Texas history this reenactment will.

Can I help build the set, Hank? It might make me feel better about falling asleep in the men's room at the Alamo Imax movie.

Yeah, man, count me in, man, use my dang ol' bowie Kn*fe, man, talkin' 'bout dang ol' (deep voice): "Victory or death.

" You can all help.

We'll be an all- volunteer crew just like the real Alamo.

Sirs, I bring news from the front.

You can get two Just a burgers for 49 cents at Whataburger this week.

I have 49 cents.

The general also sends word Ladybird's water bowl is empty.

Hank, Bobby's making me uncomfortable again.

Spank him.

Shut up, Dale.

Bobby's practicing for the reenactment.

Mr.

Tuttle said I can play James Butler Bonham, Alamo messenger.

And my teacher said I can get extra credit to make up for my "F.

" That's great.

You know, the messenger is the first one to die.

DALE: Messenger, bring word to my wife we make love on the 'morrow.

Everything has to look as real as possible.

We do this right, and more than just the eyes of Arlen will be upon us.

That's right.

Kids from all over Heimlich County are being bussed in.

Even Durndle and East Rumpert.

Ah, thanks, doll.

Hey, everybody meet my baby-sitter, Sharla.

Hey, y'all.

She's helping me out with the actors.

You just missed a hell of a rehearsal.

Leave it to Bruce to find the best hook-handed actor in Heimlich County.

What can I say? I think of everything.

So, Hank, how's the set coming? Well, we've already cut the design out of one-by and quarter inch plywood.

You sound like a big Hollywood set designer.

I guess that makes me a big Hollywood director.

Someday, eh? You know, I joke about running off to Hollywood and abandoning my kids, but I don't think I could really go through with it.

(laughing) Ah I've got work to do.

Nice and steady, guys.

The Alamo looks beautiful at dusk.

Oh, yeah.

If it were a painting it would be called "Painting of Sun Setting on Alamo.

" I'm gonna practice my line, Dad.

Okay, son.

Sir, Santa Anna's men outnumber us by the thousands.

General Houston sends his regards but no additional troops.

Well, it looks like the Mexican army is flying the flag of No Quarter.

Gentlemen, how should we respond? On your order, I shall load the cannon.

Yeah, man, talkin' 'bout dang ol' kaboom, man.

We will never surrender or retreat We sure won't, Dad.

All right, then.

That's it for tonight, guys.

Tomorrow's the big day a chance for everyone to be at the Alamo.

I'm so excited, I don't know how I'm going to sleep.

Better drink up.

Well, I guess if it's to teach the kids.

Do we really have to worry about children wandering into pork plants and climbing onto the k*ll line? Not if I do my job.

Hank, I just had an idea well, it was more of an inspiration.

I want to open the play with a speech from a new character "The Ghost of the Alamo.

" What do you think? Uh, ghost? Well, it's just a device to set the stage to let people know how they should feel about what they're watching.

Huh.

Sounds kind of creative, but okay, you're the writer.

And the director.

Places.

Finally.

I can't wait to see it.

I am the ghost of the Alamo.

He's pretty spooky.

They say to remember the Alamo.

Well, heed their call.

The story is timeless, a lesson to all.

Where are our heroes? Don't look for them here.

The world's not so simple.

The world's not so clear.

Uh I don't get it.

Davy Crockett.

Thank God.

It has become clear that I will never make it back to my beloved Tennessee.

If I were a stronger man I guess I wouldn't be here.

I would have faced up to my demons instead of using dead Indians and Mexicans as stepping stones back to the Senate.

MAN: Vengeance is the Lord's and he has sent his army to vanquish us for our transgressions.

We're all damned.

Don't go looking for your opium, Davy.

Travis smoked it all up.

TRAVIS: I gave half to the prostitutes.

What?! That's not part of the Alamo.

Tell them to stop.

No, this is right.

Bruce moved the big escape attempt to after the bear baiting scene.

What? Surrender or die? Why start being a hero now? General SantaAnna! General SantaAnna! I surrender.

Oh, General! That was perfect! Now once again from the top.

We're angry, we're drunk, we're slaveholders.

And action! No! Not action! What the hell are you doing to our Alamo? (hushed): You've got William B.

Travis in a dress! Hank, it's a little late to step in with your notes.

The play starts in a half hour.

You could have asked for a script at any time.

Why would I need to read a script of the Alamo? I know what happened and I know what didn't happen, and I know William B.

Travis didn't put on a dress and try to abandon his men.

And how do you know that, Hank? How do you know that when the pressures became too great, William B.

Travis didn't try to find comfort and safety in a frilly calico dress? (sighs) That's it.

I'm gonna kick your ass.

Then I'm gonna re-enact kicking your ass.

What were you expecting anyway, the old John Wayne rehashing? Yes! What makes you think that vision of the Alamo is any more valid than mine? Historians can't even agree how many people were at the Alamo.

Maybe Davy Crockett wasn't on the pipe, but maybe he was.

He was a failed politician and a deeply troubled man.

If Bruce is ever going to get his work taken seriously by the people that matter, he needs to show them he's got a new perspective.

I think Oliver Stone and his Oscars would agree with her.

You know, people like you and the guys at the feed store are always trying to keep me down.

Well, it's too late, baby.

Son, turn in your outfit.

We're going home.

Dad, I know this Alamo stuff is important to you, but I don't want to get an "F" and go to summer school.

I have to do this.

Damn revisionists! Why can't they ever make history better where we all live in Antarctica and worship the Golden Penguin? That would be great.

(sighs) I surrender! I surrender! I surrender! I surrender, I surrender, I surrender! Well, I can't force the schools to teach the Alamo, but maybe I can still stop this travesty.

Are you talking sabotage, Hank? 'Cause if you say sabotage, I'll say "how high?" Let's do it.

All right, it's ten minutes to curtain.

That doesn't give us much time, but we built this set, so we should know how to wreck it.

I should've paid more attention.

Well, my sledge hammer'll figure it out for me.

(Dale laughing) This'll shut Tuttle up.

They're all trapped inside there like the Alamo volunteers and we're out here ready to take care of business like General Santa Anna! It's not like we're gonna k*ll people! Just ideas! (sighs) We can't shut this thing down just because we don't like what they're saying.

I feel the fun slowing down.

Hank, what are you doing with those sledgehammers? Oh, I get it.

Well, you can't censor me! I'm not going to stop your show, Bruce.

I'm just going to "set the stage.

" (off-key notes) I know there are a lot of details in history that are up for grabs; like what Jim Bowie was thinking about right before he d*ed, or whether Davy Crockett surrendered.

But these are the undisputed facts: In March of 1836, nearly 200 men volunteered so that Texas could become a republic.

Even though they were under-trained, outnumbered and completely surrounded, they fought on and d*ed for what they believed in.

And I've always found that inspiring.

Is that a messenger bringing news from General Houston? Sir, Santa Anna's men outnumber us by the thousands.

(groans) If this siege continues, I may have to surrender sober.

Hey, Dad, you're gonna have to sign this.

I failed Texas history.

What? After going through with that jackass play? Yeah, but I wrote in my book.

It's an a*t*matic "F.

" Oh, Bobby.

"The Alamo.

In March of I wanted to make sure kids after me knew about the Alamo.

You know, since you're going to summer school anyway, why don't you skip class tomorrow? I'll take you to Six Flags.

It's called Six Flags Over Texas because Texas was governed by six different sovereign nations.

There's Texas, America Mexico, France I don't know how France got in there.

I think this will be the last year we do Flat Stanley.

DALE: Hank, Bobby's making me uncomfortable again.