06x05 - Scoop Snoop/Eye Can't

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Loud House". Aired: May 2, 2016 - present.*
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Series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of a boy named Lincoln Loud, who is the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.
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06x05 - Scoop Snoop/Eye Can't

Post by bunniefuu »

This program is rated G

and is suitable for
general audiences.

♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls like
ping-pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the
bathroom on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's gotta do what he
can to survive ♪

♪ In the Loud House,
in the Loud House ♪

♪ Duck, dodge, push and shove,
it's how we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud House,
in the Loud House ♪

♪ One boy, ten girls, wouldn't
trade it for the world ♪

♪ Loud ♪

♪ House ♪

♪ Loud, Loud House ♪

Poo-poo!



(Kids cheering)

Huh!

Ha!

Hwah!

(Whistle blowing)

(Everyone cheering)

Oh, I'm getting it all! Go LJ!

Yeah! Woo-hoo!

Huh?

Chandler!
Do you mind?

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

(Lynn breathing hard)

SCOOTS:
What kind of run is that, Loud?!

It's more like an emu
trotting across the outback!

(Everyone laughing)

(Groaning):
Oh, great! Scoots.

SCOOTS:
Someone call the zookeeper!

We got ourselves
an emu on the loose!

Haa!

(Growling)

(Whistle blowing)

A a a a a...

SCOOTS:
Squawk!

Kick it, emu!

Whaaa-oooh!

Aw!

Squawk!

Ha, ha, ha!

(Growling)

Alright, LJ! Score's tied.
10 seconds left on the clock.

Focus! Your team needs you!

SCOOTS:
Eeee-mu!

Huh?

(Chorus of 'emu' taunts)

Ugh!

Hey there, birdie! Thought you
could get rid of me that easy?

(Panting)

(Gasping)

A a a a a a a ah!!!

I've got emu legs!

Aughhhh!

Hyah!

Huh-oof!

(Crowd cheering)

Ohh...

Move it, Chandler!

What... What happened?!

Ah, ha ha ha, haha!



Augh!

I've never seen Lynn
freeze up like that!

I hope she doesn't
take it too hard.

(Loud crashing)

Oh no!
She's rage-lifting again!

And those sound
like fifty-pounders.

(Loud crashing)

Ah, correction:
sixty-pounders.

(Slurping)

Uh...
I'll go talk to her.

(Lynn grunting)

If you're here to talk
about the game, I'm fine.

So just leave me alone!
Ha ah!

Aaa!

Okay, fine. If you're going
to nag me, I'll tell you!

Aaa!!

Somehow, Scoots
got into my head.

Normally, I'm great at drowning
out the opposing fans...

Huh!

Yaa!

This time was personal!

She made me self-conscious
about how I run!

(Sighing)

Boy you really know just what to
say sometimes, Lincoln! Thanks.

Oooh! But I still can't
get Scoots out of my head!

Hmm, I think I know
how to fix your problem.

Follow me downstairs!

Eh. Okay.

LYNN SR.:
Ow!!! My foot!



Ugh. Thanks,
but no thanks!

I don't want to
relive the game again!

No, no.
It's not that.

What I'm about to show you
might fix your problem.



Ugh! Just a rehash
of a ribbon dance

at the Little Miss Miss Thing
pageant.

Excuse me while I yawn.

Oh boy! Where's the ding-ding
darn erase button?!

Okay. So maybe Lola
has a critic too.

How's that supposed to help me?

I thought you might say that.

What if I could show you
that it's not just Lola?

It's everyone in our family.

Fine. If it'll keep
the emus out of my head,

I'll give you a chance.
But! If you're wrong...

I get to give you 100 noogies.

Is there any room
for negotiation?

(Grunting and cracking knuckles)

O-Okay...
And we're moving on!

LUNA:
1, 2, 3, 4!

(Loud rock music)

Ugh! This group sounds worse
than my grandma's piccolo band!

And you call that foam?!

Order, up!

(Chewing): Blah! You
should just stick to lasagne!

This tastes like
my denture cream!

Mmm?

(Sighing)

These are letters readers
send to the editor.

Some of them can be pretty mean!

'Dear Rita, your advice stinks!
Next time I'll save a stamp

'and ask Mr. Bobbins.
He's a cat.'

(Loud blast of angry noise)

Whaaa!

Oooh...

LINCOLN: Check out these
comments on Luan's comedy vlog.

This user, You're Not Funny 123,
writes a lot.

'You're not funny, ' thumbs-down
emoji, 'Noot fubby.'

I think they meant to write
'not funny' again.

But you get the idea.

(Clearing throat): My
colleagues... I have finally cracked

the formula for
melt-proof ice cream.

My assistant Todd will break
down the molecular structure

through interpretive dance!

♪ H-H-Hydrogen, low-fat milk ♪

Not that idiot
dancing robot again!

This is just embarrassing.

Wow! That's your sixth
plate tonight, honey!

You must be feeling better!

Oh, yeah!
Thanks to this guy!

He helped me see that I
shouldn't make such a big deal

about having a critic!
Everyone has 'em!

Especially you guys!

I think you mean
everybody, but me.

Well, no! You have that
one judge who says your

ribbon routine is weak-sauce.
Oh, wait! No, no 'lame.'

No, no! Wait, what was
the word she used, Lincoln?

'Uninspired.'

Bingo!
There it is.

Waaagh!

Relax, it's not just you!

Lincoln pointed out that you all
have a hater! Tell 'em!

Sure! Well, Luna. The Burnt Bean
manager thinks her

grandma's piccolo band
is better than the Moon Goats.

(Chewing):
Luan!

One user thinks you're about as
funny as his stubbed toe!

Dad! Grouse thinks you should
stick to lasagnas.

Mom, one reader said
your advice ruined her life!

And Lisa, some scientists
are really over Todd.

(Sighing)

Knowing you guys all
have critics

sure made me feel better!

Linkie, can you pass the salt?

You got it!



Ung.
All over Todd...

(Snoring):
Uninspired.

(Gnawing):
Piccolos...

Ah! I ruined
her life!

Stick to lasagne...
(Crying) Oh ow!

(Yawning): Welp! I guess
it's time to star the day!

(Uncomfortable laughing)

And now, to dazzle us like my
rhinestone jean jacket,

Miss Lola and
her ribbon routine!

(Clapping)

(Dramatic music)

Uh! Uh...

(Disco music starting)

Aaaugh!!!

Hey, guys!
Welcome to my show.

Mr. C? Did you
hear the one

about the classically-
trained gorilla?

Uh. Um.
B-b-b-b...

♪ A mix, a mix, a mix ♪

Hey!

I was thinking you could make
something edible this time!

Maybe like a lasagne?

A a a a a a!!!

Nope! No lasagnas
in here!

None in here either!

Hey, Loud? What's
the bathroom code?

Aaaugh!!!

Huh. Cuckoo!

(Moon Goat playing
on van stereo)

I think we should open
with this song tonight!

What do you think, Chunkster?

I hate it!
Why did I ever hire you?

I should've gone
with Grandma Gertie!

(Mocking laughter)

Stoooooop!!!

(Tires screeching,
horns blaring)

Give a bloke some
warning next time, luv!



Hm?

(Scary voice):
You ruined my life!

Huh?

Ah!

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen.

For today's presentation
I have prepared...

MAN'S VOICE: Oh no.
Not that idiot dancing robot.

ALL:
Idiot dancing robot.

Idiot dancing robot.

Idiot dancing robot!
Idiot dancing robot!

(Horror film score playing)

FAMILY: -Lincoln!
- Oh, he is in for it!

There he is!

LUAN:
Get him!!!

Why did you have to tell us
about our haters, dude?

Now, we're all freaking up!

Look, I'm sorry I told you guys
about your critics,

but I was just
trying to help Lynn!

(Crashing)

♪ Stinkoln! ♪

Uh, I hope that's
a happy 'Stinkoln!'

Your dumb cure didn't cure me!

Scoots heckled me some more,
and now I've got emu legs again!

I wasn't even at a game.
I was at the mall food court!!

Lynn! Why are you
paying attention to Scoots?

Why are any of you paying
attention to those people?

It doesn't matter what they say.

It's easy for you to say!

You don't have to deal with it!

You just go 'round
ruining lives!

LYNN SR.:
What a life-ruiner!

Ruiner!

(Sighing)

Wait!



Thanks for coming, everyone!

I hope what I'm about
to show you will help!

It better!

I feel like my emu condition
is getting worse!

(Squawking)

Ah! If you start
moulting, I'm out!

As you're about to see, you're
not the only ones with a critic.

And two out of three students
believe that...

Lincoln Loud is lame!

Pffftttt!

I'm about to b*at my high score!

...for
lameness!

Ha! Can you make yourself
disappear? Lincoln Lame!

(Crowd laughing)

Dude! That Chandler
is a real jerk!

Yeah, he is.

But he doesn't bother me,
and that's the whole point!

I mean, at first
he really got to me,

but the more I ignored him,
the easier it got!

Plus, why should I care
what he has to say?

I'm doing what I love!
And that's all that matters.

RITA: And if you
can handle Chandler,

I think we can handle
our critics!

Right, everyone?

(Everyone agreeing)

GROUSE:
Hey, Loud!

Ah! I can't
hear you, Grouse!

I was just gonna tell ya...

I'm blocking out
the haters! La, la, la!

You forgot to put on
the parking brake again.

FAMILY:
Dad! Vanzilla!

LYNN SR.: Wha! Pretty please
come back! I'm so... I'm sorrrry!



(School bell ringing)

Now, if you ever get
swallowed by a whale

three are things to remember.
One: Locate the blowhole.

Uh!

Augh! Can you quit it, Chandler?
Every day you mess with my seat,

and it's super-distracting!

Can't you just
let me sit in peace?

MR. BOLHOFNER:
Hey Loud!

Zip the lip.

LINCOLN: But
Mr. Bolhofner, it's not me!

That'll be one detention.
Wanna try for another...?

(Sighing)

(Static crackling)

Ugggg!!!

Enough, Chandler!!

Whoa! Chill man.

(Loud farting)

Yuck, Loud! Lay off
the bratwurst!

Cuttin' the cheese in my class?!
That's a second detention, Loud!

Oops! Must've
misplaced this thing!

(Fuming)

(Bell ringing)

Uh, hi Mr. Bolhofner.
Got a sec?

(Muffled heavy metal music)

(Bell ringing suddenly)

Argh! Don't you ever sneak up
on a man eating chicken, Loud!

What do you want?

Well, Mr. B. The thing is, I was
hoping you could move my seat.

No way!

It's just, sitting in front of
Chandler is really distracting.

Let me tell you something, Loud.
I once played dead for 14 hours

while a pack of hungry jaguars
whipped me around the jungle

like a rag doll!
Hardship builds character!

Now go grab that chicken bone
from Hank on your way out.

He's on an all-veggie diet.

(Chomping)

(Sighing)

What's wrong, Lincoln?
You've barely touched

the cheesecake bites I made you!

Is the cheese-to-cake
ratio not to your liking?

No, Clyde. The ratio's perfect,
per usual. It's just...

I don't know what to do!
Bolhofner won't change my seat.

Three words, bro:
Butter. Him. Up.

Whoee, he ain't wrong!

One time, Virginia? She got her
head stuck in a fence,

and we used a whole mess o'
margarine to get'er out.

The key is to rub it around
the jowls. Like so!

Ugh!

I meant he's gotta
charm the man!

(Scoffing): I knew
that. Just testin' y'all.

Awhile back, I wanted to go
skydiving with my cousin Derek,

but my dad wouldn't let me.
So, I spent the whole week

doing nice things for him.
...And bam! Check it.

(Terrified screaming)

Hm. Maybe I should try
buttering up the Hof.



Huh?!

Oh, hey Mr. B! I thought I'd
come in before school started

and help you kick off the day!

I washed what I hope was
marinara sauce off the board,

and organized your sword
collection. I even fed Hank!

What?! No! He's only supposed
to eat once a week!

(Hank belching)

Uhh...

(Birds screeching)

Hmm.

Hey, Mr. B!

Loud?! What are
you doing here?

And why are you dressed
like a shrub?

I know you like to spend your
free time in the great outdoors!

And I thought you
could use some snacks!

I got berries, salmon fritters,
and my personal favourite,

graham crackers with honey!

Get that outta here!

Yeesh! Someone is hangry.

No! I'm tracking a bear, and you
just served up a bear buffet!

(Growling)

(Sniffing)

(Loud growling)

Run!!!

Ah!

Hm.

(Sniffing)

Smoke!

Oh, hey there Mr. B!
I just finished reading

that survival guide you wrote.
So I was showing my friends here

how helpful your heat-sourcing
technique is!

Loud! Not indoors!

(Fire alarm ringing)

(Growling)

(Sighing)

(Ringing)

I give up, Clyde! I think
Bolhofner is officially

butter-up-proof!

Sorry I help, bud. Bolhofner
gives me the heebie jeebies.

Which are way worse than
the creepy crawlies!

And the jeepers creepers!

(Loud drumming)

(Shouting): I think it's
coming from the music room!

(Grunting)

Mr. B! I didn't know
you played the bass drum.

Ha, well now you do!
I like it, because I can

pound the heck out of it!
(Pounding and screaming)

Ahhhhhh!!!

Wow, those were some...
sick beats!

Whoa, you mean that?!
I've been practicing a lot.

I'm even thinking about
joining a band!

If I could ever find one.

Ah!

What if I knew of a band
you could join?

Would you be interested?

Ooohooo! Golly, gee!
Would I ever be!

Uh. I mean,
I'd consider it.

Good. 'Cause I have
just the guys...

I love the idea of adding
a bass drum, kiddo!

But, this might not be the time.

Yeah! We got a primo gig coming
up at your dad's restaurant!

And I want to keep all eyes
on the Rod-man.

Plus, it'll be hard
to bring someone else

up to speed by then.

Come on!
At least hear him play.

Well, I guess we could
give him a sh*t.

Have him send us a demo tape.

No need!
He's right outside.

Come on in,
Mr. B!

(Loud pounding)

(Everyone cheering)

RODNEY:
Dig that b*at!

(Cacophonous jamming)

Have fun, Mr. B!
See you in class tomorrow!



Ooo... Nope!

So... Mr. B, how was
the band practice?

That I set up. Which I was glad
to do, by the way.

(Scoffing):
Yeah right...

(Sighing): I guess
I'll take my seat then.

(Bubbling)

Ha, ha, ha!

(Gulping)

That's not your seat, Loud!

You sit...
there now.

(Angelic music playing)

Bye bye Chandler!

Argh!

(Sighing contentedly)

Oh!

Whoa!

Chocolate?
I always have extras!

Wow, thank you!

Oh, and if you ever get tense,
I keep a massager under my desk.

Feel free to use it!

Really?!
I wouldn't want to impose.

Ooohhh yyyeahhh.

(Ringing)

Llleavvve it.

We're the Do Dads, and this
is... 'Hot Rods and Dad Bods!'

(Chuckling):
1, 2, 3, hit it!



(Loud banging)

That's not the song!

I was jammin' out! Takin' the
accordion for a little walk!

Jamming is for hippies!

Now, let's pick up
where we left off!

(Loud banging)

(Cowbell jamming)

Enough!!!

(Gasping for air)

I can't stand those cowbells!

Well, B-hof...
Can I call you B-hof?

(Growling)

Right. Aha. Mr. Bolhofner.

This is kind of a cowbell band?

Not anymore!

Looks like we need
some changes around here.

My cowbell...

(Whistling)

Hey, guys!
How did practice go?

Whoa!
New look?

Bolhofner's idea. He said
our faces were too soft.

Look, kiddo. We all appreciate
you trying to elevate our sound,

but Bolhofner isn't really
workin' out.

Yeah! He yelled at Kotaro
so hard, he tinkled a little.

Did not!

Sorry, bud.

But tonight's gig is super-
important, and he's gotta go.

No!!!
Please don't kick Bolhofner out.

This kid, Chandler? Who used
to behind me in class?

Would kick and poke me all day.
The only reason Bolhofner let me

move my seat is because
I got him into this band.

If you guys kick him out, it's
back to the misery seat for me.

(Sighing): That sounds rough,
bud. Alright. B-hof can stay.

Really?!

RODNEY:
Of course.

We're dads!

Helping our kids is what we do!

LINCOLN: It's a
packed house tonight!

CLYDE: It is pretty
crowded, huh?

Boy, I hope our dads
brought their A-game.

I'm sure they'll do great.

The Do Dads are Do Dead.

We are...
Raging Bolhofners!

(Screaming and
cacophonous music)

BOTH:
What?!

This is awful!!!

(Crowd screaming)

Ungh!

(Total silence)

BOLHOFNER:
Who cut the power?

I did.

Why the heck would you do that?

I was getting ready
for my 14-minute solo!

(Inhaling): Mr. Bolhofner?
You're fired!

(Band gasps)

Linc, are you sure about this?

You're making the rest of
the band miserable!

So, I'm f*ring you.

And if that means moving me back
to my old seat, then so be it!

(Sighing): You're all in
agreement about this?

BAND:
Hm hm.

Fine! I'll go then.

And I'll see you in class
tomorrow, Loud.

(Sighing)

(Gulping)

Ah! I heard you might be getting
your old seat back, Loud.

So I wore my steel-toed boots
for the occasion.

BOLHOFER:
Loud!

What are you doing?

Um, sitting in my seat,
Mr. Bolhofner, Sir.

That's not your seat.

BOTH:
It's not?!

Look, what I did to
the Do Dads was wrong.

I had some time to reflect last
night, at Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

And I looked down at the guy I
had in a headlock, and realized

I've got a lot to learn about
playing nice with others.

So, I sent my ex-band mates
an apology gift.

Uhhhmmm...

KOTARO:
You open it!

No, you open it!

I told you that
hardship builds character!

But so does standing up
for what's right.

You're okay in my book, Loud.

So, get to your new seat!

Now!!!

Too slow, Lincoln Lame!
If you want me out of your

precious seat, you're gonna
have to make me move!

Huh?!

(Growling)

CHANDLER:
Ahhh!!!

♪ May sound bad but ain't
the case ♪

♪ In the Loud House,
Loud House ♪

♪ Duck and dodge and push
and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we
show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud House,
Loud House ♪

♪ Laundry piles stacked
up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs that
make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with 11 kids ♪

♪ That's the way it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud House ♪
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