05x25 - Diss the Cook/For Sale by Loner

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Loud House". Aired: May 2, 2016 - present.*
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Series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of a boy named Lincoln Loud, who is the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.
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05x25 - Diss the Cook/For Sale by Loner

Post by bunniefuu »

This program is rated G

and is suitable for
general audiences.

♪ Crashing through
the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls like
ping-pong balls ♪

♪ Just to reach the
bathroom on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell
for miles ♪

♪ Guy's gotta do what he
can to survive ♪

♪ In the Loud House,
in the Loud House ♪

♪ Duck, dodge, push and shove,
it's how we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud House,
in the Loud House ♪

♪ One boy, ten girls, wouldn't
trade it for the world ♪

♪ Loud ♪

♪ House ♪

♪ Loud, Loud House ♪

Poo-poo!

Oh, yeah, it's
turkey leg Tuesday.

WOMAN: Next.

(Yelping)
(Gasping)

(Squealing with happiness)

Huh? Wait. Chef Pat, I think--

Next!

That thing is tinier
than a tick on a tack.

I don't know why
I get my hopes up.

This has been happening ever
since we started middle school.

Weiner Wednesday
is where it's at!

(Groaning)

Um--
Next!

Wow! Sole meuniere!

This is the best
fishy Friday ever!

A frozen fish stick? Ugh!

Something weird
is going on with Chef Pat,

and I'm going to get
to the bottom of it.

Hmm?

Uh, Chef Pat,
do you have a second?

(Growling)

Did I do something
to make you angry?

Because the lunches
you've been giving me

have been pretty inedible.

Nope.

I got no beef with you.

(Chuckling)

"Beef" -
I see what you did there.

(Growling)

(Growling)

Da-da...

Fruit, carbs and ham -

all the food groups.

(Straining)

(Whirring)

Hey, Lynn, something's
going on with Chef Pat.

It feels like she has
a grudge against me

and I don't know why.
I've never done anything to her.

And I was hoping that

since you know middle
school better than me--

Wait, Lincoln,

Chef Pat has some weird
grudge against me too.

I've been getting bogus lunches

ever since I started
middle school,

while my friends have been
chowing down on grade-A grub.

That's how
I made up the hamshake

It can't be a coincidence
that Chef Pat has it out

for two people
in the same family.

Well, I didn't
do squat to her.

Maybe one of our sibs did.

We got to find out.

I can't keep
getting bad lunches.

You with me?

Heck yeah, I am.

I'm getting tired
of liquid meat.

(Belching)

(Groaning)

If we're going to find out
who wronged Chef Pat,

we'll need to use the three
D's of detective work -

diligence, distraction,
and disguise.

We may not find
the answer tonight

or tomorrow or even this week.

But when we do, all of our
hard work will be worth it.

Just talked to everyone.

Nobody knows why
they got bad lunches.

Luanne said the food was so bad,

she couldn't even
make 'pun' of it.

Lula gave up after a week and
started eating in the band room.

And Lenny said the slop
she got was "totes yuck".

That only leaves one sibling
who could have wronged her.

(Chiming)

What did you do to Chef Pat?

Ahh! Whoa.
Hi to you guys, too.

She's holding
a grudge against the Louds

and it's making our
lunch period miserable.

Chef Pat, I didn't--

Oh, wait. I just remembered.

It was the first day
of middle school...

I had just gotten
a brand new cell phone.

(Yelping)

(Growling)

(Yelping)

Ugh. This is bad, real bad.

That's not even the worst part.

The soup was
so thick and cheesy,

it wouldn't come out
of Chef pet's hair,

so she had to shave her head.

Did you ever apologize?

I was mortified.

I never showed my face
in the cafeteria again.

Look, I'll send her a nice
text with a sorry face emoji.

LINCOLN:
No, the apology
has to be in person.

Lincoln,
I live three hours away.

Fine, text away,
but if it doesn't work,

I'll be calling you every day
for the rest of middle school

whenever I get a bad lunch.

Yeah, me too.

Ugh!

(Bell ringing)

(Growling)

Morning, Chef Pat.

My sister Lori drove
all the way from college

to tell you something.

(Yelping)

So, there's a chance you
don't even remember this.

It was literally like
such a small faux pas.

But I was once a
tiny bit responsible

for spilling soup in your hair,

and I just want to say
I'm so sorry for that.

And on the upside, you really
pulled off the bald look.

(Growling)

Oh, I almost forgot.

I brought you a peace offering
all the way from Fairway U.

(Chuckling nervously)

Go Birdies.

There's coffee stains in this.

Um, it's vintage.

Meh.

Oh...

Looks like your
apology has been accepted.

Lincoln,
that was literally raw beef.

(Humming happily)

What are you so happy about?

Finally get your
first chin hair?

It's the French fry Friday,
and let's just say

things are looking up for me
in the lunch department.

I'll have a plate of your
finest French fries today.

Extra French.

(Squishing)

Huh? Uncooked potatoes?

What about the mug?
I thought we were cool.

Next!

Let me guess - you too?

I don't get it.

Why is Chef Pat
still punishing us?

Oh, you two crossed
Chef Pat, huh?

Well, she's a
tough cookie, chiefs.

How do you know?

(Straining)

(Sighing)

Ah, me and Pat
go way back to high school.

Hey! My lemonade!

You see right there?

That's us playing dodge ball.

BOTH:
Oh...

That's you?

Ehh, those were pre
nacho cheese days.

(Gasping)
Lynn!

Look who else is in this pic!

Is it possible Chef Pat
has a beef... with Mom?

No way.

Pat and I were besties
all through high school.

See? This picture was taken
on the last day of school.

There's me,
Chef Pat and Zach's mom.

I remember this
like it was just yesterday.

That's crazy. Right?

Last lunch swap
of high school, girls.

I have a PB&J with
homemade peanut butter

and blueberry compote.

Wow, Pat!
You're such a foodie.

All that and
a bag of chips.

Exactly.

No, I meant I have all that
plus this bag of chips.

(Giggling)

Heads up!

You okay, Flip?

Wazzap?

While I have you -
graduation party,

this Saturday, my house.

It is going to be so phat.

(Gasping)
Come to think of it,

I should be the one
holding a grudge.

Pat never showed
at my graduation party.

And you know what?!
It was fun.

Pop-Pop, even brought a
hovercraft over from the base.

Pfft! You get a hovercraft,

but when I asked for a
flame thrower on my birthday,

it's too dangerous.

(Bell ringing)

Let's cut to the chase.
Why are you punishing us?

We know we didn't
do anything to you.

And neither did our
sisters or our mom.

Yeah. We saw the
pictures of you two.

You guys were besties.

She even invited you
to her graduation party.

No, she didn't!

I'll never forget the way
she totally dissed me!

(Bell ringing)

Graduation party - my house!

Here's an invite for you.

Cool!

And one for you!
Got one!

And one for you
and two for you.

Heads up!
(Giggling)

Aww, yeah!

Hey, Patty, uh,
what a save some dough

and carpool to Rita's shindig?

I heard there's
going to be hovercraft.

(Growling)

Hey!

That doesn't
sound like our mom.

Uh, yeah.
She said she invited you.

Psh! Of course
she says that now.

But do you have any proof?

Then, I suggest you two
get used to eating slop

for the rest of middle school.

Next!

Okay. Let's go over
this one more time.

Are you sure you invited Chef
Pat to your graduation party?

Yes, absolutely.

I was in the library
handing out invites.

I'll never forget that
cookbook Pat was reading -

A Chewed Awakening:

Pickled Herring & Other
Icelandic Cuisines.

(Chuckling)

(Gasping)
(Gasping)

We have to go tell Chef Pat!

(Bell ringing)

Chef Pat, our mom did invite
you to her graduation party.

She put the invitation
in your library book.

What?
My library book?

Well then, how come
I didn't see it?

Ahh...

PAT:
Phillipini!

(Growling)

(Gasping)
Now, it all make sense!

The invite must
still be in that book!

Look, there it is!

LYNN:
Ha! Woo-hoo!
Mystery solved!

I owe you guys
a big fat apology.

I feel terrible about all those
lunches of yours I ruined.

Ah, we're good.

It's cool.

Thanks, you guys.
(Sighing)

Sad thing is I really
wish I had the chance

to go to your mom's
graduation party.

That was a once in
a lifetime event.

(Sighing)

(Gasping,
(Whispering inaudibly)

(Chuckling)

(New wave music playing)

Thanks for doing this, Mom.

Anything for a friend.

I will say, it's nice to have
everyone back together.

PAT:
Woo-hoo!

(Laughing)

That was awesome!

This party is everything I
always dreamed it would be.

So glad to hear it,

and thank you for all the
delicious food you brought, Pat.

No problem.
I owe your kids some good meals.

Woo-hoo!

(Yelping)

(Gasping)
Phillipini!

(Yelping)



(Screaming)

(Groaning)

Sorry, Mr. Grouse.

Lisa's atomic jetpack
needs adjus-- whoa!

(Electric guitar blaring)

What the heck?

Hey!

(Electric guitar blaring)

(Electric guitar blaring)

(Growling)

ANNOUNCER:
He's at the , the !

He could go all the--

Lily is hogging the TV at home

and I cannot miss
The Dream Boat.

Brent's mad at Braden for
kissing Brittany on the bridge.

Ooh, cheese puffs. Yummers!

(Humming)

(Gasping)
Huh?!

Digging's more fun
with a pal!

Gravely more fun.

Why I oughta...

(Yelping)

G Man, wanna toss
the pigskin around?

Go long, Mr. Grouse!

(Glass shattering)

(Crashing)

(Crashing)

My bad.

(Growling)

Can you throw the ball back?

(Screaming)

For sale?!

Mr. Grouse, you're
selling your front lawn?

I think it includes
the house too, sweetie.

But, dude, you've lived
next door to us, like, forever.

Well, that's the blasted point!

I've put up with all your noise
and nonsense for too dang long.

I can't take one more
second of it!

That's why I'm renting
a place till my house sells.

I need some peace and
quiet and I need it now.

ALL:
Mr. Grouse!

(Speaking gibberish)

Sorry, Louds.
My mind's made up.

Try your best to forget me.
Adios, Louds!

"Room for rent in quiet,
cozy little condo."

That sounds perfect.

Well, what do you say, sugar?

You wanna rent
our spare bedroom?

You have any kids?

Then, yes, I do.

Oh, eight o'clock - for once,
getting to bed at a decent hour.

(Snoring)

(Loud country music playing)

What is this malarkey?!

We're boot scootin' finals,
so we gotta practice.

Well, can you at least
turn the music down?

What? You want a turn
to boogie down?!

(Loud country music playing)

Why, sure, roomie,
get on in here!

(Loud country music playing)

(Yelping)

(Crashing)

"Apartment for rent in
relaxing senior community."

(Soft elevator music playing)

I should've moved here ages ago.

Oh, stop shovelling
in the chow!

You know what time it is!

Pudding balloon fight!

(Yelping)

Do you do this at every meal?

No. At dinner,
we fill 'em with gravy!

(Cackling)

Oh, we got a surrender!

WOMAN:
Take that!

Whoa!
(Yelping)

(Groaning)

"Room for rent on serene boat."



(Creaking)

(Stomach gurgling)

(Retching)

Hey, chief, you're looking
grumpier than usual today.

I can't find a peaceful place
to rent in this stinking town.

At this point,
I'd pay anything!

Hey, welcome to Rick's
Rents and Rocks.

What can Rick do for ya?

What is this?
A TV prank show?

No, sir.
I tell you what,

I can rent you
my mom's cabin in the woods.

She's up at Mackinaw Island,
learning to make fudge.

And did I mention that all
rentals come with a free rock?

Ehh, I don't know.

(Louds chattering loudly)

Hey, I'll take it.

There's a $
rock handling feed.

Hello?

Sweet mother of molasses,

peace and quiet at long last.

Yes, siree, bud,
this is the life.

(Clattering)

Hey, don't ever think about it.
(Growling)

(Screeching)

(Sighing contentedly, snoring)

(Audience cheering)

Woo-hoo!

(Humming)

(Chuckling)

Ooh!
(Chuckling)



(Snoring)

(Channels flipping)

(Groaning)

(Snoring)

(Gasping)

Hey, pal, how you doing?
I'm Bud Grouse

Hmm. Weird name.
Mine's Bull Hoffner.

You want to come in
and catch the game?

I hate sports.
I wrestled in school.

My dad was head coach.

Never enough hustle
for that, man!

I, uh--
I got a real swell puzzle!

Puzzles stress me out.

Or we could just talk!

Talking stresses
me out even more.

Look, I need to
get back to my cabin.

I've got a lot of skinning
I promised myself I'd finish.

Hmm...

(Knocking)

Howdy, neighbour!

I was in the area,
I figured I'd stop by

to see if you wanted
any cheese puffs.

Whoa!

Get outta here!

(Yelping)
Woodpecker!

Gimmie back that bowl!

Oh. Well,
just eat around the beak marks.

Yeah, I'm good,
but Thanks.

(Straining)

Plenty of peace
and quiet round here, huh?

The place I used to live,
nothing but non-stop commotion.

I tell you, boy,
it was the pits.

(Sighing)

Love all this quiet, don't you?

Hey there.
You digging a hole, are ya?

Obviously.

That's what I told
my rock friend here,

"I bet he's digging a hole."

Let me help.

You know what they say,

digging is
more fun with a pal.

No! That's the main waterline!

Ahh...

(Yelping)

(Alarm blaring)

(Snoring)

(Yelping)

Oh. Hey, neighbor,
The door was open.

Pretty sure it wasn't.

Anyway, I thought
we could watch TV.

There's this program
called The Dream Boat,

where youngsters embarrass
themselves for love.

(Groaning)
Fine.

(Static hissing)

Try moving those around.

Well, darn it,
looks like the TV's out.

Tough toenails, I guess.

You give up too easy.

(Yelping)

(Screaming)
I can't take any more!

I bought this cabin
for some peace and quiet,

and you're ruining it!

You are a terrible neighbor.
Go away!

(Groaning)

(Growling)

He thinks I'm a
terrible neighborhood, huh?

So, I fell through his roof.

Not like I jetpacked
through his wall.

Hey, Rocky, wanna see
terrible neighbors?

(Chuckling)
Look at this one.

(Laughing)

Ahh... Can you imagine having
to live next door to that?

I can't believe I'm saying this,
but... I miss the Louds.

(Sniffling)

Sure, they're rowdy and nosy,
but they're like family.

You're right.
Why not go home?

Boy, I sure got my money's worth
on that rock handling fee.

(Gasping)
Oh...

(Chuckling)

You just couldn't
leave me be, huh?

Rick told us where you were...

after we agreed
to buy a case of rocks.

We, uh-- we brought you a
congratulations Lynnsagna

to celebrate--
(Sobbing)

you...
sell-- selling your house.

Wait. What now?

People are at
your house right now.

It looks like
they're going to buy it.

(Groaning)

Even I know that's not what a
happy face looks like.

What's wrong?

I was just about
to move back home,

but now, I can't.
All this time,

I thought
I wanted peace and quiet,

but once I had it,
I realized how much I...

m-m-m-missed--

We missed you, too, Mr. Grouse.

Wait a minute.
Why can't you move back home?

There might still be
time to stop those buyers.

I'll drive.
I can burn rubber.



(Car backfiring,
tires screeching)

(Tires screeching)

Stop!
My house is no longer for sale!

Turns out I'm staying put.

Ooh, sorry.
Already bought it.

We just signed
the paperwork.

This is the house for us.

We love how peaceful
the neighborhood is.

Well, if you're gonna
to live here,

you should meet your
next-door neighbors -

the Louds.

Hi! Hi!
Welcome to the neighbourhood!

Hey, hope you like lasagna!

(All chattering)

(Guitar blaring)

(Screaming)

(Screaming)

ALL:
Bye!

Aww...
It's good to be home.

♪ Cramped inside this
tiny space ♪

♪ May sound bad but ain't
the case ♪

♪ In the Loud House,
Loud House ♪

♪ Duck and dodge and push
and shove ♪

♪ That's the way we
show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud House,
Loud House ♪

♪ Laundry piles stacked
up high ♪

♪ Hand-me-downs that
make me cry ♪

♪ Stand in line to take a pee ♪

♪ Never any privacy ♪

♪ Chaos with kids ♪

♪ That's the way it always is ♪

♪ In the Loud House ♪
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