This is me, eliza thornberry.
Part of your average family.
I got a dad, a mom,
and a sister.
There is donnie-- we found him.
And darwin?
He found us.
( Jabbering )
Oh, yeah, about our house--
it moves.
'Cause we travel
all over the world.
You see, my dad hosts
this nature show
And my mom sh**t it.
Okay, so we're not that average.
( Panting )
And between you and me
Something amazing happened...
And now I can talk to animals.
It's really cool
But totally secret.
And you know what?
Life's never been the same.
[Captioning sponsored by the
u.s. Department of education
And nickelodeon]
( Thunder booming... )
( Thunderclaps, debbie screams )
Ew!
Get away from me
with that, oh! That...
Malaysian, slit-faced bat.
You like it?
I love it.
Now get it away from me.
Oh, then you'll love
this one.
The leaf-nosed bat.
The nose helps them
send out blasts of radar
to find prey.
Yuck!
These are so cool.
They are not cool
they're creepy
And you're creepy, too.
Mom! Will we really
see bats up close?
Oh, yes.
If all goes well
We'll get
enough footage
To do a whole show
on bats.
( Debbie retches )
Yes, it is our job--
No, our duty--
To dispel the popular notion
That bats are unpleasant,
dirty, malevolent creatures.
Great. Now can we
talk about something else?
Relax, debbie,
they're just like mice.
( Retches again )
Huge, ugly mice that fly
Through the air
and att*ck girls like you!
Eliza, stop,
you're scaring debbie.
No, she's not.
Now, debbie,
I'm sure
Your feelings
about bats will change
Once you've met
dr. Spinoza.
Who's he?
He wrote the book on bats.
He's going to be
on the show with
your father.
He's a foremost expert
on the vampire.
Vampire?
( Thunderclap )
Uh, a bat.
Whew.
Why didn't you just
Leave me in cuzco?
I could have stayed in
the hotel and watched tv.
We got one channel.
That's one more
than out here.
( High-pitched jabbering )
( Jabbering )
Llama!
( Yelps, grunts )
( Wind howling )
I took dr. Spinoza's
Biology class in college.
I almost dropped out
of berkeley to go with him
On an expedition
to study the fruit bat.
I must say, dearest,
i, I didn't know
You had such
a passionate interest in bats.
I didn't.
Oh.
Oh, nigel, it was
just a silly little crush.
I barely even remember
what he looks like.
( Sighs )
Earth to mom!
Oh, well, anyway
That's all
behind me now.
Who knows what
He's been up to since then?
Well, come on, girls.
I'll bet you can hardly
wait to meet dr. Spinoza.
( Creatures howling, barking
in distance )
What is it?
I thought
You weren't
scared of bats.
I'm not.
But this castle
Looks like one I saw
in this movie...
About a vampire.
What's that?
They're these monster guys.
They never sleep,
and wear capes
And they turn you
into zombies.
But, b-b-but
they're not real.
I mean, they must be
make-believe.
All I can say is
That's what you get
For building your den
so near a human.
I've lived
around people
for years.
Most sleep at night!
But this guy's
wandering around the caves
In that cape like
some kind of...
Vampire.
( Screams ) boo!
( Laughs )
There, that's for
All those
pictures of bats.
What, you think you scared me?
Oh, yeah.
♪ Hmm, hmm. ♪
Well, if you're not scared,
come on.
Let's go meet
Dr. Spinoza!
( Imitating monster )
Jeesh.
( Laughs )
( Creature howling )
I'm dr. Spinoza.
( Laughs diabolically )
Cut it out, debbie.
I'm all creepy
And weird
And I've got one eye
That follows you
around the room--
Like this!
( Growls menacingly )
Mom, is dr. Spinoza
weird-looking?
No, dear.
He's a very handsome man.
( Grunts )
Like your father.
Thank you.
( Gasps )
What... Uh, I mean who,
who are you?
I am dr. Spinoza.
( Long, evil laugh )
How do you do,
spinoza?
Nigel thornberry.
I must say,
it's absolutely smashing
To find you at home
And-- how shall I say it?
So terribly, well,
unattractive.
So, what brings you
to my happy home?
Well, we have
a nature show
And you are
the world's foremost expert
On the vampire bat.
( Enthusiastically ):
yes, of course.
It's time
the world learned
The truth
about the vampire...
( Softly ):
bat.
And such charming
offspring.
They will make
a wonderful snack.
( Cackling )
I mean, perhaps they'd like
a snack.
Follow me.
I guess 20 years is
a long time.
Not when you live forever.
( Gasps )
( Evil laugh )
Cut it out.
( Creaks, slams )
( Donnie jabbering )
Ah... Ooh.
You know, maybe
this whole idea
Of having a guest star
on the show is...
Oh, I don't know,
ill-advised?
Let us not concern ourselves
with business now.
You must be exhausted
from your journey.
( Donnie chattering )
Pretty creepy, huh?
No.
You're bleeding.
Stop it, deb.
( Thunder crashes,
bell ringing )
( Babbling )
Eliza, you've got
a nosebleed.
Allow me.
It's just altitude.
I, I just need
some rest.
Is it okay if I go
back to the comvee?
Of course you can, honey.
You're not scared,
are you?
No... I have to go.
Excuse me.
Heavens, I wonder
what's got into her.
Debbie, would you see
what's up with eliza?
Sure, mom.
( In menacing voice ):
eliza... Eliza...
( Wind whistling )
Boo!
Hmm...
So, did eliza
get scared
Of the big, bad,
totally weird-looking
dr. Spinoza?
No.
But aren't you afraid
Of vampires?
Aren't you afraid
of the bats?
No.
( Mockingly ):
no.
( Screech, sneeze )
( Both gasp, yelp )
May I offer you
some mate?
You'll need it
to keep you awake.
Oh, delightful.
A traditional drink
of the andean cowpoke
Rather a bit stronger than
coffee, I'm told, is that right?
Professor, won't you
have some yourself?
I don't drink... Mate.
( Laughing )
So you must find
my behavior horrifying.
Actually not the word I'd use.
So, what do you say
we finish up here
And you give us a look
at your caves?
Yes, we want to tell the world
the truth about vampire bats.
You mean, I'll have
the chance
To tell the world
That the vampire bat
Turns its victims
Into tormented souls
of the undead?
Actually, when I used
the word "truth"
I was sort of sh**ting
for, you know, the truth.
Better just
play along, dear.
I know, you show us
your bat caves
And I'll let you turn me
into a mindless zombie.
How would that be?
You wish to meet my children?
( Laughing maniacally )
( Joins in laughing )
Well, you met ours,
I think it's only fair.
( Slurping )
splendid.
Walk this way.
If I walked that way, i--
Stop it, dear.
Debbie, listen.
It says bats don't normally
att*ck people.
It's not working, punk,
so just give it up.
...unless they have long hair,
bats will fly
Right toward a girl
with long, blonde hair.
I'm not listening.
Oh, my gosh,
there's a big bat
in your hair!
( Screaming )
Oh, my gosh!
Get it out! Get it out!
( Giggling )
What was that about?
Just scaring debbie,
that's all.
Why?
I don't know, just for laughs.
And it's so easy.
So it's just a joke?
That's right.
Well, here, let me try.
I'll scare you.
You couldn't scare me
if you tried.
Look at me!
I'm one of those dry, salty fish
your father eats
The kind you don't like.
Kippers?
I'm supposed to be scared
of kippers?
Wait, oh, I know,
you told me.
You're afraid
of the castle.
So, if I act like
the castle...
You think I'm afraid
of spinoza's house?
We'll see about that.
But you said...
Come on.
It was just
'cause it looked
Like that house
in the vampire movie.
It's not 'cause
I'm really scared.
( Animals howling )
Okay, so it is
a little scary.
Uh, hey, donnie,
we're going back inside.
( Excited babbling )
( Grumbling )
Uh, excuse me, professor.
Would you carry
this reflector board?
Ah-ha!
Notice how my reflection
is not visible.
Is it because I am not
of the living?
Actually, I think
it's because you
aren't wearing
Your spectacles,
old bean.
Do you see?
( Laughing )
...children of the night...
I don't get it,
he used to be so handsome.
Oh, well,
no matter.
Perhaps you were blinded
by his intellect.
( Growls )
( Creaks )
Debbie?
( Gulps )
( Panting )
Debbie, where are you?
( Screams )
( Panting )
( Debbie laughing )
You freaked!
All right, okay, we're even.
Come on out.
Eliza.
Eliza.
( Snickering )
Just be glad I let you off
easy... Eee!
( Screaming )
( Laughs )
That was great!
I'm the scare queen!
I can't believe you keep
doing this to each other.
Well, it's over
and I won.
( Darwin yelps )
( Chattering )
( Faint moaning... )
Nice try, debbie.
But I'm not buying it.
Come on, darwin.
Donnie, come
with us.
( Babbling )
Hey, darwin... Donnie.
What happened to you guys?
Hello?
Guys... Guys?
This is the portal
To the underworld
of eternal darkness.
Well, eternal darkness
Will look better
on video
With some light.
Ah! I'm melting!
Turn it off!
( Grumbling )
( High-pitched wail )
Not to worry...
( Chuckles )
We'll mop you up
when we're done sh**ting.
Guys? Guys?!
( Gasps )
Darwin? Donnie?
You guys should really see this.
It's probably
where spinoza does his laundry
Or keeps his old records
or, or a coffin.
Whoa.
( Unintelligible muttering )
( Gasps )
( Screaming... )
( Screaming )
I am the vampire!
( Evil laugh )
( Thunder crashing, rumbling )
Come to me.
Come to me,
my children.
Children of the night!
( Wicked cackling )
( Goofy laughter )
Oh, brother.
Are you quite sure
That there are
any bats here
at all, professor?
( Continues laughing )
I don't get it.
He used to be so...
Handsome, hmm?
I know, dear.
( Laughing )
That was not funny.
Oh, so was that it?
Oh, I mean,
that was fun.
And you looked
so scared.
Ooh, it was fun, fun, fun,
wasn't it?
No.
Wait!
I don't get it.
Nice, debbie,
real, real, nice.
Wasn't it, though?
Oh, sometimes I just can't get
over myself.
Who'd you get to do all
that creepy moaning?
I, I thought that was you.
( Both gasp )
( Creepy moaning )
( Panting )
( Yelps )
( Grunts )
( Screaming )
( Grunting )
Remember how I said
I wasn't scared before?
You scared now?
Yup.
( Gasps )
Deb, don't look up.
Why not?
( Whimpering )
That's why not.
( Fearfully ):
ooh!
Please don't let them lay eggs
in my hair or whatever they do.
Please,
oh, please.
They're going
to eat my hair.
Oh, my gosh, eliza.
Eliza, please.
( Screeching )
Excuse me?
Hello, um, can you tell me
the way out of here?
( Yawning )
( Screams )
a human!
( Screeching )
( Screaming )
It's okay, your hair looks fine.
For generations, the vampire bat
has been the stuff of legend.
But unless you're a cow, a goat,
or a bird
You really have nothing to fear
From this darling little
blood-drinking rodent.
Oh!
They're gone.
Are you sure?
Yes.
( Moaning )
What is it?
I think I like
the bats better.
Eliza:
he looks hurt.
He looks like a vampire.
No, vampires are make-believe.
I'm going to go see
what he wants.
Be my guest.
( Groaning )
( Gasps )
deb!
You stay away from my sister!
Hold on, eliza.
I'm coming!
( Groaning )
Debbie, stop!
Look, you're not going
to believe this.
( Laughing )
Professor, you're ruining
my sh*t.
( Laughing wildly )
You think your puny b*ll*ts can
stop the undead?
Ha!
att*ck them!
Oh, for pete's sake.
Eliza:
mom, look out!
Ki-ya!
( Grunts )
Well done, marianne.
Girls, what are
you doing here?
I rather think
That's the least
of my questions.
This is not
the real dr. Spinoza.
What?
This is.
I must admit, dear.
You were right
about dr. Spinoza...
The real spinoza, I mean.
Rather handsome.
Nigel thornberry,
pleased to meet you.
And you, marianne hunter.
Ha! Second seat,
third row, zoology 101.
Uh-huh.
( Giggling )
( Sighs )
The hunchback's name is
carlos billalias
Also known as el gordito.
He is... How would you put it?
Our village idiot.
That's not a very nice thing
to call someone.
He bought a satellite dish
And he's got access to all sorts
of american horror pictures.
Good heavens, how terrible!
I was lucky
your daughters found me.
With all that moaning
I thought
I might have scared you away.
Scared?
( Laughs )
us?
( Both laughing )
So, what became of el gordito?
I told him he'd been very
naughty, and I sent him home.
Let's hope he learns
to tell the difference
Between reality and television.
( Static, flipping tv channels )
( Snippets of various programs )
Hello, I'm nigel thornberry.
Today, we're going to be looking
at the wonderful zebra.
This ribald beast roams
the planes of the savanna...
( Imitating nigel's accent ):
hello, I'm nigel thornberry.
Today, we're going to be looking
At the wonderful zebra...
( Mumbling )
( Goofy laughter )
01x12 - Blood Sisters
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Eliza travels the world with her unusual family, as her parents make wildlife films.
Eliza travels the world with her unusual family, as her parents make wildlife films.