10x02 - That's a Schwartz Man

[bunniefuu]

[Adult Adam] Back in the ' s,
David Hasselhoff was everywhere.

He rocked the free world in
those red shorts on the beach.

And no one worshipped the Hoff
more than my brother, Barry.

JTP! Plus assorted lessers.

[Together] JTP! Plus assorted lessers.

Barry, we are not your lessers.

- We're parents...
- Shh. I'm talking.

Okay.

What'd I just taste on that finger?

Either marmalade or Laffy Taffy.

Why do we keep coming over here?

Let me answer that
question with a question:

Do you guys know who's
in Philadelphia right now?

- The mayor?
- The Oak Ridge Boys?

I have no guess, but I'm excited.

America's most dynamic film
and TV star, David Hasselhoff!

Morning gravy!

I love him in Knight Rider.

Making the audience believe
that you have a complicated,

emotional relationship with a car?

That's acting, folks.

Bill gets it.

He's here, and I need his autograph.

How exactly can we help you with this?

That's for you to answer, Ginzy.

Now, let's get those
little noggins cranking.

There are no bad ideas, but, uh,
Matt Bradley, sit this one out.

That's not the punishment
you think it is.

Great, you're all here. We
have got a lot to go over.

- Barry, take a seat.
- [Scoffs]

Why would I sit?

This is my meeting to brainstorm

how I can meet and
befriend David Hasselhoff.

No, it's my meeting to brainstorm

how the community can come together

to fill the void in Mom's heart
when I go to college in a week.

I was invited to both meetings.

It's a neat feeling.

Adam, you don't need to worry.
Your mom is ready for this.

You're just projecting how you
feel about Chad going to college.

You gotta remember,

my mom loves me way more
than you love your son.

[Barry] Enough!

We are not here to discuss
Ginzy's shaky family relationships.

I want to hear some ideas.

JTP, hit me!

You could write a
letter to his fan club?

That's how I got Captain
Kangaroo's J. Hancock.

Now on to me!

The key to helping mom
will be to distract her.

She may not care about
you all that much,

but she's always game for meddling

in someone else's business.

Bill, what's going on in your life?

Well, Dolores and I are
remodeling our kitchen.

- [Virginia] Ooh.
- I could ask Bev to pick out knobs.

Hmm, we need something more personal.

More personal than knobs? Okay.

What if you confided in her that
you and Dolores are having issues?

You two have seemed distant lately.

- We have?
- She looks right past you, Bill.

Everyone sees it.

[Beverly] Aww.

Oh, look,

you've all come over to watch me

bravely take on my new life as a widow.

Not at all. We're actually
here because smiley glasses

thinks you're going to be
heartbroken when he goes to college.

Aww.

You've been through a lot this year.

I thought maybe everyone
could help out somehow.

That is so sweet of you all
to support me in this way.

And, you know, there is one thing

that really would feed my soul.

- Nom-noms from my schmoo.
- Mom, no!

Come on, you've only got a week
left. You're gonna miss this.

- Aw!
- You're gonna miss it!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ but nonetheless I
feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ but the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

[Adult Adam] It was September
th, -something,

and Erica and Geoff were
crossing an important milestone.

They were about to learn
the sex of their baby.

[Geoff] This is so exciting.

And it's not that I'm
rooting for it to be a girl,

but I could really use a break

from all the mohel interviews.

I think I'm nervous.

I know your mom just wants
to find the right guy,

but a dozen in-depth discussions

about ritual circumcision
seems like too many.

Of course, your pacing isn't helping.

She also says "penis" and "foreskin"

way more than is necessary.

Like, we all get the procedure.

Okay, Geoff, sit down!

Sorry, I-I guess we're both nervous.

But it's gonna be okay.

Hey, you two.

Dr. B!

Please don't call me that.

... o-w-m-a-n. Bowman.

With "doctor" in front.

Dr. Bowman. Saved it!

You're gonna be a weird dad.

You ready to hear what you're having?

- Yes, we are.
- We're gonna pass.

- Okay.
- Um, hon?

Look, I-I know we wanted
to find out the sex.

But I don't want to find out the sex.

So let's not find out the sex.

But we've been discussing
this for months.

Which is exactly why
we're gonna hear it!

Another time.

- Erica.
- Okay, Bowman, go.

- Now stop!
- Oh, geez.

Boy or girl? Spill it!

- And you die!
- Okay, okay.

What's going on?

'Cause I thought that you
were excited about finding out.

I was, but suddenly it seems too soon.

I don't want to know until the
baby's really here. I'm sorry.

Call me when you figure it out.

Okay, we will. Or we won't.

I guess that's your point.

Yay, parenting! It's already hard.

[Adult Adam]
While Erica had flip-flopped

on finding out the sex of their baby,

I was still concerned
my mom would flip out

when I went to NYU.

Hey, Mr. Glascott, got a second?

For a recent graduate
who's off my books?

Absolutely not.

Shut the door behind you,
and have a great life.

Please!

Adam, I just spent the last hour

at the home ec sewing machine

altering my own pants

so they could fit a third
grader who wet himself.

I need this cinnabon bad.

But I'm really worried about my mom.

I need you to have a
heartfelt one-on-one with her.

Well, as you know, heartfelt
one-on-ones are kinda my thing.

I know she's gonna be devastated

when I go away to NYU,

but she's putting on a brave face.

Can you find out how
she's really feeling?

As an admired and esteemed
guidance counselor,

the best man is on the job.

Odd. I've never seen your legs before.

Well, we all have them.

Some are just skinnier than others.

And do not touch that cinnabon.

[Adult Adam] And so,
Mr. Glascott went to see

if he could figure out what was
really going on in my mom's heart.

Hey, John. How are you?

- Not lonely. You?
- What?

Adam's gonna be gone soon.

And I was wondering how you're feeling

about living with nothing but
the echoes of his footsteps.

[Sighs] Oh, I'll miss him, of
course, but it's time, you know?

- It is. So, what if you fall down?
- Fall down?

You're making sauce, it
splatters, you slip and fall.

Next thing you know, you're
lying on your back, legs akimbo.

- I would never spill my sauce.
- [Both chuckle]

Unless it's on a bed of
linguine with parmed shrimp.

Sounds delicious. I'll be by later.

But my point is,

you're alone and helpless
because Adam isn't there.

Well, what about Barry?
Or Geoff, or Erica?

Or my father-in-law?

- They're at a movie.
- So? They'll be home soon.

It's The Right Stuff.

Running time is over three hours.

I'll pull the phone down.

- It's dead.
- Why?

You were overwhelmed with loneliness
and forgot to pay the bill.

Your world has gone dark.

Tell me I'm wrong, Beverly.

You are! I am ready for this!

And when I am alone, I will tell myself,

if my friend John can
handle it, then so can I.

- Me?
- Yes!

I mean, you're alone almost
every day, and you manage.

Sure, you've got that
bird, but it's not a person.

Well, she says stuff.

She repeats stuff.

Uh-huh.

I got a lot to re-examine.

Thank you for always thinking
of me. It means so much.

Whatever.

[Whimsical music playing]

- [Door closes]
- How'd it go?

The woman is a fortress
of hidden emotions.

She's got all of her walls up,

and they are deflecting
things back at innocent people.

- [School bell rings]
- [Muffled] Get out of here.

[Adult Adam] While my mom was
holding back her feelings,

Geoff's parents couldn't
contain their excitement.

[Gasps] Aah, big faces!

- What is it? Boy or girl?
- Reveal!

Yeah, we decided not to find out.

- [Bleep] Me!
- Oh, oh, Lou, calm down.

You calm down! I want a gender, Linda!

If the kids decide that
they don't want to know,

we have to respect that.

Is it what you and Erica
want, Geoffy? Or just Erica?

Because this has all the hallmarks

of a classic Goldbergian flip-flop.

- What are you talking about?
- It's how they control us.

Remember our last dinner there?

Beverly said we'd be having chicken.

Then what did she serve?

Salmon!

I had fish sticks for lunch.

All that planning was out the window!

Erica did lead the charge on this,

but I do have something
fun for you guys.

- [Linda gasps softly]
- It's a sonogram picture of your grandchild!

Oh! Ah! How cute!

- Where's my jeweler's loupe?
- Jeweler's loupe?

He uses it now for his new hobby.

He paints pewter civil w*r figurines.

And, yes, it's as exciting as it sounds.

Oh, and mustard tasting with
your sisters is Mardi Gras?

- A-ha!
- What is it?

Would you like to know
the sex of your child?

Uh, but Erica...

Sure, she makes the
big decisions for you.

But if you're interested...

You see that tiny
protrusion right there?

- Is that...
- He's a Schwartz man!

- Really?
- [Lou] Yes!

Ahh! [Laughs]

Son of my son.

Made in the image of all
the Schwartzes before him

in all our limited glory!

Oh, yes, that is a Schwartz man.

I'm having a boy?

The name lives on!

[Laughing, cheering]

Now all you have to
do is keep this secret

from your wife for the next few months.

[Adult Adam] While Geoff
had to keep a secret,

I was figuring out how
to keep my mom happy.

Okay, so, in a week, we're set
to head off to NYU together.

On our own, starting
our adult lives together.

But I won't be attending,
so you'll be going alone.

- Wait, what?
- I'm deferring for a year.

Dude, I chose NYU so
we could go together.

To share our adventure?

I talked to student housing,

and you're gonna be sharing
your adventure with Yuri Agapov.

He's enrolled in the school's elder
education foreign exchange program.

My freshman-year roommate
is some old Russian dude?

I'm sorry. But maybe
you can distract yourself

by coming up with ideas to tell my mom

why I'm not going with you.

Sorry, I'm a little preoccupied
thinking about how you ruined my life.

Lives get ruined, that's
the way of the world.

You eat the crap sandwich,

you hope the next one's smaller.

But it never works out that way.

- He is not like your other grandpa.
- [Door closes]

What are you doing with that chalkboard?

Just a little brainstorming sesh.

But I brought the JTP here for
my brainstorming sesh.

Brainstorming? You told us
you invented a new pizza.

Yeah, barbecue ribs,
fried rice, and taco.

It seems like too many flavors,
but now we'll never know.

JTP, shh!

[Together] JTP, shh!

I heard the Hasselhoff movie

is hiring locals to run errands.

So why are we here?

I need you to give me tips to
make me look like a pathetic loser

that would fetch coffee
for Hollywood people.

Why would we know
anything about being a loser?

No reason.

Just tell me where you buy your clothes

and how you live your lives,
and I'll take it from there.

- Super hurtful.
- Not cool.

Mostly sears.

Barry gave me an idea, Dave
Kim. Follow me to my car.

What happens if I commit

and then you just decide
not to go to your car?

Huh? Huh?

We can do better than these people.

[Adult Adam] Yep, I was
armed with a brilliant plan:

Hassle the Hoff by
sneaking into his trailer.

Hello? Mr. Hasselhoff?

He's not here.

Good. I'm rooting for you to fail.

Although this is kinda cool.

We're in the Hoff's inner sanctum.

To think, this is where
he works on his craft

and brushes his lustrous mane.

Holy crap, his Knight Rider jacket.

- Whoa.
- So rugged yet supple.

That's full grain, baby.

Softer than my mother's nightgown.

Softer than both of
our mothers' nightgowns.

[Door opens, closes]

Why are you boys being
weird in my trailer?

Hello, Mr. Hasselhoff, sir.

Wow, you look even buffer in person.

Thank you. The secret
is to be born beautiful.

It is an honor.

And if it wasn't for Knight Rider

and the way you handled KITT,

I may never have mustered up
the courage to learn to drive.

[Laughs] Please leave.

Before we go, may I offer
you my humble services

as your on-set assistant?

No, now b*at it before
I have you both arrested.

[Adult Adam] So, my plan
failed, but I wasn't done yet.

I won't give up!
You'll love my perseverance!

But you should know that I have a note

from my doctor about lifting things.

Out, out, out, out, out, out!

[Door closes]

[Adult Adam] Geoff knew
something he shouldn't,

and the hard part?
Keeping his mouth shut.

Listen. I know you guys decided against

finding out the sex of the baby,

but just in case,

the search for the
right mohel continues.

More mohels. Yay.

If it's a boy, the foreskin and
penis will be the stars of the show.

Can't wait to see that show.

Ooh, look at the time. I'm
supposed to meet Ginzy at foreskin.

Oh, I mean : .

Oh! Someone's got foreskin on the brain.

You okay, hon?

I know you really
wanted to find out today.

Oh, I'm fine. As long as you're happy.

Also I found out the sex of the baby.

- What?
- I-It's my dad's fault.

He saw the sonogram, and he is a doctor,

and he held this lens-thingy
with his own eye socket.

Wow. You know what you are?

- A bad boy?
- That's right.

And what happens to bad boys?

They get punished 'cause they did bad.

See, you know the sex of
our baby, but guess what?

I forbid you to tell me.

I can't keep this to myself!

Until our baby is born,

you will carry this burden
with you day after day,

knowing it was forged in
the fires of your betrayal.

Please don't do this to me!
Wait, where are you going?

Out. So you can be
alone with your thoughts.

Alone with my thoughts? But that's
when a bad boy feels baddest!

Remember, you did this.

And I would never do that to you.

[Adult Adam] But she totally would.

I need Dr. Bowman to tell
me the sex of my baby now.

Also, my husband can
never know I was here.

And if he finds out, I'll know
that someone in this room is a rat.

Ma'am, Dr. Bowman is in delivery.

Fine. I'm sure the info's in my file.

It must be one of these, right?

Not me, not me, not me.

Ma'am, it's not there.
What was your name again?

Erica Goldberg.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

[Adult Adam] While Erica
knew what she was having,

I was having a hard time
telling my mom the truth.

I got a job with David Hasselhoff.

I did not get a job
with David Hasselhoff.

Adam, what are you talking about?

It sounds too good to be true.

It was.

But I'm his new personal assistant.

Again, I was not.

What the hell does a
personal assistant do?

You pick up dry cleaning,
roll up Turkey slices,

maybe visit with a sick parent

if it conflicts with an
important drinks meeting.

So you'll be helping an [bleep]?

That's just how Hollywood works, babe.

And it's a great way to get my
foot in the door and learn the biz.

But you go to NYU in a week.
You can't start a job now.

Especially since it doesn't exist.

The Hoff, like myself,

is the kind of man other men want to be.

I know how he dreams, how
he thinks, how he sniffs.

Like this. [Sniffs quietly]

See? Effortless.

What are you talking about?

He'd never hire a dork like you.

Then why do I have this?

The script pages they're
sh**ting that day.

Face it. David and I are best buds now.

Our wives will have to get
along on our joint vacations

even though they despise each other.

I demand you introduce me so I can
have the life you are describing.

Absolutely not.

Part of my job is to
make sure people like you

don't get anywhere
near David Hasselhoff.

Damn it!

That sounds like
something David would do.

Look, if you leave right now,
silently and without a scene,

maybe I'll get you his autograph.

I'm still not sold, Adam.

Your father always said, "there's
nothing more important than college."

I'll still go. After I defer a year.

I called NYU.

They said the job would
count as school credit.

[Adult Adam] They couldn't
because there was no job.

- Really?
- Yes.

Not even a little.

It's like the perfect situation.

And, I mean, it's David Hasselhoff.

And who better to teach you
about life than a Hollywood actor?

Well...

Is that a yes, Mama?

I guess so.

[Adult Adam] My lies worked.

Meanwhile, Erica was working over
Geoff for betraying her trust.

Here you go. Nachos from
your favorite Tex-Mex joint.

- [Telephone ringing]
- [Muffled] It's ringing.

Hello?

Uh-huh. Thanks.

[Receiver clicks]

That was the doctor's office.

You, uh, left your sunglasses there

when you went by to find
out the sex of the baby?

Oh, [bleep].

You've been making me feel guilty

and running me all over town

when you did the same thing I did?

I only wanted to know after you knew!

I could have just told you what I knew!

I didn't want you to know that I knew!

I knew you wanted to
know. I just knew it!

I knew that you knew
that I wanted to know,

but you had still known
before I hadn't known anything!

And you knew that was wrong!

Well, it's also wrong
to pretend not to know

when you knew what was known!

Well, it was still
unknown until I knew it,

but that was after you knew
what I didn't want to know.

- I know!
- And now I know!

So we can just say it and know together!

- We're having a boy!
- We're having a girl!

- What?
- What?

[Adult Adam] The sex remained a mystery,

but what wasn't a mystery

was that my mom was going
to interfere in my life.

Welcome to the family, Mr. Hasselhoff!

- What the h...
- I'm Adam's mom.

- Adam?
- Yeah.

The little piece of pottery that I
baked in my lady kiln years ago.

Lady Kiln?

Oh, poor thing, you seem off.

Did you have a rough day on set?

Listen, why don't I
give you some shrimp parm

and then you can go shluffie?

Lady, what's happening here?

You know Adam, your new assistant.

Remember? I baked him in here.

I don't have a new assistant.

Glasses, golden locks like sunshine?

A million-watt smile that
would melt an iceberg?

[Laughs] I know who you think
you're talking about, and no.

Well, why would he lie to me?

I'm sorry, Mr. Hasselhoff,
I got to figure this out.

[Upbeat music playing]

- Ah.
- [Door closes]

[Adult Adam] Geoff and
Erica still didn't know

if they were having a boy or a girl,

and it was time to find out the truth.

So, this is the sonogram

your father, the ophthalmologist,

was looking at when he
determined you were having a boy?

And the appendage in question was, um,

reminiscent in the style
of most Schwartz men.

Yeah, that's a pinky.

Yeah, it is pink, isn't it?

But don't worry, it'll
cool down to a pale chiffon.

I meant, that's not a penis.

Well, it's not much, but it'll
still do what it needs to.

He's saying it's a
pinky finger, dumb-dumb.

Ohh.

So it is a girl?

Because...

The "F" on my chart.

For "female"?

And who else on your
chart could be female?

Me?

Ohh.

When it comes to taking care of
this baby, will you two have help?

Okay, so we were both
wrong. Can you just tell us?

I would, but someone
made a mess of our files,

and the slip of paper with
that info hasn't been found.

Well, that person sounds fun and pretty.

Today is your
high-resolution ultrasound.

If you want to know,
I can tell you then.

All right? You think about it.

[Adult Adam] As Geoff and
Erica had a decision to make,

my mom knew exactly what
she wanted to say to me.

[Beverly] Home already, schmoo?

We wrapped early.

The director threw a
tantrum about his smoothie

and wouldn't come out of his trailer.

That's Holly weird.

[Adam] Oh, balls!

Your sweater would suggest that you know

I'm not actually working
with David Hasselhoff.

Do you have any idea
how heartbreaking it was

for me to bedazzle this sweater, Adam?

No, but it seems like
there might have been

an easier way to call me out.

She's been ironing with her
back to the door for an hour.

What's going on?

Oh.

This should be good.

I went to see Mr. Hasselhoff

to deliver a "thank you
parm" for hiring Adam,

but he made the whole thing up.

My schmoo is a this!

A big fat this!

You spoke to David Hasselhoff?

How is everyone but me managing
to get so close to this guy?

I don't know what's going
on in your head, Mr. This,

but the first thing we're going
to do is re-enroll you at NYU.

No! I can't leave you now.

You've been through too much.

I'll be okay.

- You won't.
- Adam!

I don't believe you!

What is this about?

[Somber music playing]

It's just, I'm not ready.

Okay?

I'm not ready. I thought
I was, but I'm just not.

Sweetie.

Losing Dad, it's been a lot.

And now with Barry and pop-pop here,

and Geoff and Erica having the baby,

I'm finally feeling almost good again.

I don't want to give that up.

Well, then you don't have to.

Really?

Yeah.

NYU will be there in another year.

[Somber music playing]

Sorry I tried to put it on you.

I should have just
admitted how I was feeling.

It's okay, schmoo.

We're all doing the best we can.

[Barry] Confession!

The reason I've been so crazy

about getting that autograph is, well,

we used to watch Knight Rider with Dad.

He loved it as much as us,

so I-I thought it'd be cool to have
something that reminded me of that.

You know what?

You want an autograph? Let's go get it.

- For real?
- Yeah, I want to meet this Hoff guy, too.

[Adam] Come on, Bar.

Let's go break into the
poor man's trailer again.

I'd love that.

[Adult Adam] It's funny.

Sometimes the detours of life can
take us exactly where we need to be.

But it's also nice when you're
already on the right path.

There it is.

First live images of your baby.

And everything's okay?

It's perfect.

And here is the heartbeat.

[Muffled heartbeat]

Oh, my God.

That's our baby.

I just can't believe it.

So, do you wanna know
if it's a boy or a girl?

- Nope.
- No, thank you.

The baby's healthy.

Erica's healthy.

That's all that matters.

♪ She's driving away... ♪

[Adult Adam] No matter
how much we plan,

there will always be surprises.

Some good, some bad, and some
you never could have predicted.

I thought he was shorter.

It's like looking in a mirror.

We're gonna need an autograph.

And I really think
you should hire my son.

If you promise to never
come in this trailer again,

I might be able to get
him a PA job on the set.

- Really?
- But...

He's got to bring me
more of that shrimp parm.

It's so good.

- [Laughs]
- [Laughs] Yes.

[Adult Adam] That's
the thing about family.

When you lean on the people you love,

things tend to work out in the end.

And even your biggest
dreams can come true.

♪ Let's go ♪

[Rock music playing]

Ah, JTP,

my barbecue rib,

fried rice, taco pizza.

Whoo!

Buckle up and enjoy

your international journey.

It's both sweet and salty,
but also soft and crunchy,

as if zero thought was
given to its assembly.

Oh!

I just bit into something sharp.

That's rib bone.

I left them in for some extra flavor.

That explains why my slice is so heavy.

Pizza can be anything.

[Andy] Not in this case.

Move! I'm outta here!

I'll finish his.

Ew.

Not bad.