Batman: The Audio Adventures (2021)

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Batman: The Audio Adventures (2021)

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narrator: "Batman:
The Audio Adventures."

[computer humming]

- [distorted voice]
♪ Beautiful dreamer ♪

♪ Wake up to me ♪

♪ Starlight and dewdrops
are waiting for thee ♪

[heart rate monitor beeps]

[groaning]

- Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, wake up.

Skids.

Wakey, wakey,
eggs and bakey, Skids.

Can you smell the bacon?




I smell bacon.

- Wha--
- [snorts]

- [chuckles]
- Where--where--what--

- Come on, Skids.
Up and at 'em.

- You're late.
- I'm-I'm what? Where--

Don't you remember?

You were supposed
to rat me out.

Tell your boss,
Commissioner Gordon,

you know who the Scarecrow is.

But oopsie-daisy,
here we are instead.

- [groggily]
Oh, no, no, I--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's bad.

[inhales]
It's bad.

Uh, the last guy
who tried to rat me out,




I ratted him out, Skids.

But I-I used real rats.

- My-my head, it hurts.
I can't think straight.

- Yeah, that's because
right when you were

least expecting it,
I-I hit you as hard as I could

in the back of the skull
with an old rotary phone.

[phone clangs]
Repeatedly.

[phone crashing, clanging]

More than sufficient
to render you unconscious.

[inhales deeply]

It was an emotional response,
Skids.

And I'm not proud of it.

And, uh, now I got
a broken telephone

and a lot of shame.

But dad-gummit,
I was angry and I was hurt

because you are not
who you said you were, Skids.

You're not
Tony "Skids" Rossetti at all,

are you?

That's a costume, isn't it?
A second skin.

What happens
when we peel the skin, Skids?

Who do we find underneath?

GCPD, Skids.

Well, boogedy-boogedy-boo.
We got a spook.

- What's-what's around my neck?

- I call it a k*ll collar.
Is it too tight?

I hope not.

It's not supposed to k*ll you
by strangulation.

See, the k*ll collar is wired
to your heart rate.

And the k*ll collar
only goes ka-pop

if you panic.

You stay calm,
you stay happily capitated.

But you blow your cool,
you give in to fear...

[pops lips]

Your meatball rolls off
the spaghetti.

- So what, you gonna drug me up
with your poison?

- Oh, come on now.
That wouldn't be sporting.

You have genuine courage.

I'm not gonna rob you of that.

Real steel spine
infiltrating my g*ng like this.

I respect courage.

But I still think
I can scare you.

Because fear was here first.

Fear comes gushing
out of the womb with us.

We don't have to learn fear.

Like that delicious panic
that comes

from the barrel of a loaded g*n
pointed right at your face.

Nobody taught you that.
That's wisdom.

Or a big Kn*fe
in the hand of a maniac--

would you like to see my Kn*fe?

[Kn*fe scraping on wood]

Switchblade, witch blade,
boogedy-boo!

No? Not scared?

Still cool as a cucumber? Okay.

Sure, it's not all that scary
if I wave it around

way over here,
but, isn't this funny,

the closer I wave it
to your soft parts...

if I put the point
anywhere near your eyeball...

[monitor beeping quickens]
And then if I, you know,

- lunge...
- [yelps]

- At you a little--
careful, Skids,

your k*ll collar'll go pop.

[beeping quickens]
You see?

Even a brave cop like you
has all kinds of fears

he can't do anything about.

It's not courage
that sets limits on fear.

Fear sets limits on courage.

- I'm not afraid to die,
you f-freak.

- [chuckles]
Aww. What a childish lie.

That has never been true,
whoever said it,

never once in the history
of human civilization.

Here, I propose a wager.

If you win--
uh, well, let's just say

you want to try to win.

Here, put your palm down
flat on the table here.

Like that, yeah.
Slap wood there,

you lily-livered varmint.
Come on, come on.

Just put your hand on it.
There you go.

Now, spread your fingers
out real wide.

[grunts]
[Kn*fe thumps]

- Hey!
- Aww, come on,

that's a million miles away
from your fingers.

But it scared you pretty good,
didn't it?

You tried to stay calm,

but you had nothing
to say about it.

See, you want to spread
those fingers out.

[repeated thumping]

- [yells]
- Oh, that's a lot closer.

[beeping quickens]
I'll be honest,

I can't see too well
in this mask.

But you trust me, don't you?
[chuckles]

Let me try again.
I used to be real good at this.

Long time ago.

Haven't had a lot
of practice lately, but--

you know this game.

Uh, tough guys everywhere
play it.

Some people call it
"Five Finger Fillet."

I always called it...

[Kn*fe thumps]
Stabberscotch!

Because you hop, hop, hop
between the fingers, right?

[beeping quickens]
Rules are simple.

Fast as you can
between all the fingers

without an accident.

[thumping continues]
[chuckles]

See, now you're getting
a little nervous.

Why is that?
Let's apply a little logic.

Stabbed finger isn't gonna
k*ll you, is it, Skids?

But if you don't stay calm,
you lose your meatball.

Remember?
It should be easy to--

- Keep it together.
Keep it together.

Talk yourself through it

as if you can reason
with instinct.

Now, going between each finger
in order is easy.

But how about
a different pattern?

Say, one, two, one, three,
one, four, one, five.

Ooh! [chuckles]
Ooh, that's-

- that's much harder.
- J-just relax.

Just relax.

- Keep your eyes open, Skids.
Watch what I can do!

Two, six, three, six,
four, six, three, six,

- two, six--whoo!
- Stay-stay calm!

- Stay calm!
- Oh, Skids, Skids,

now you're getting scared
and I can taste it.

[beeping quickens]
Mmm. I can taste your fear.

It's like
a big spaghetti dinner

just like great-granny
used to make.

- [Kn*fe thumping]
- [yelping]

[grunting] Oh, the bravery.

Skids, it makes it
all the more savory.

[giggles]

[Kn*fe thumping]
♪ On top of Rossetti ♪

♪ He fooled me before ♪

- [yelping]
- ♪ Now he wears a collar ♪

♪ That's packed with C-- ♪
[expl*si*n pops]

narrator:
Gotham, the final notes

of an unfinished symphony.

Join us now for another tale

of life and death
in Gotham City.

March 2nd.
Fugue and upheaval citywide.

Penguin and Two-Face
make the final moves

to consolidate absolute power.

And as the city convulses
with crime,

the Scarecrow reaps
a harvest of panic,

peddling
psychedelic nightmares

under every broken
streetlight.

It's a tuneless concerto
of pandemonium.

And worse still,

Catwoman is more than happy
to pounce

on whoever is caught
without a chair

when the music stops.

Batman and Robin can't waste
a moment's time

if they hope to stabilize
the situation

roiling Gotham's
brutal ganglands.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

Step right up,
ladies and gentlemen,

boys and girls,
to the big top

of Haly's Harbor
Circus and Sideshow.

Once a respected name
in wholesome entertainment,

now a thoroughly mobbed-up
front operation

for innumerable
low-rent criminal enterprises.

You won't find
much of an audience

during the day
for their ill-mannered clowns

and inebriated acrobats,

but the darkest hours
of the night

are a different story.

- Next up
to the auction block tonight,

ladies and gentlemen,
please direct your attention

to my lovely assistant,
as if I have to ask.

Oh, Fifi!

- Oui, oui, monsieur.
- Ooh-la-la.

Wheel that next cage
on out here,

would you, mademoiselle,

so we can take a look
at this magnificent

800-pound silverback gorilla.

[audience gasps]
[gorilla pants, hoots]

narrator:
Tonight the house is packed

with a different kind
of paying customer.

A menagerie
of colorful criminals

that rivals
the actual menagerie on offer

for illegal purchase.

- Ladies and gentlemen
of the underworld,

this extraordinary brute stands
a full 7 feet tall.

He has been trained in the use
of American Sign Language

and small firearms.

He can roll his own cigars.

And he answers
to the name Knuckles.

[gorilla grunting]

Now, everyone knows
the right exotic pet can be

the lynchpin to a memorable
criminal identity.

And whether you're fleshing out
a safari-themed g*ng

or just looking to add
a little surreal flare

to your illicit escapades,

Knuckles
the p*stol-Slinging Gorilla

is the last word
in making your gimmick pop.

So shall I start the bidding
at 100,000?

[gavel bangs, bell rings]

narrator: As the frenzied
bidding commences,

all eyes are
on the auctioneer.

All save one young pair
watching keenly

from the shadows
of the trapeze rigging

- high above.
- Robin to Batcave.

I'm in position with eyes
on what has to be

every C-list racketeer
and dope lord in town.

Even the lovely assistant
looks like she's scheming

- to loot the joint.
- There are enough

outstanding warrants
under that tent

to fill a new wing
of Blackgate, Robin.

But we're only interested
in one of them tonight.

Androcles Thorne.

- Androcles Thorne.
Scanning the crowd.

[scanner chimes]
Target acquired.

- His father, Rupert Thorne,
is the last

of the old-school
Gotham crime capos,

and he's cashing out,
retiring.

- So hotshot Androcles
wants to finally take over

the family business.

- He has big ideas,
but he's rash,

careless, inexperienced.

If we take Thorne's operation
out of the mix,

we may have a chance
to stabilize the underworld.

- And Knuckles the gorilla
is sold...

[gavel bangs]
To Maximillian Monkeyshines.

Congratulations, Max.

Please pass
the financial particulars

in an envelope
to our lovely assistant

for collection.

- Okay, he looks
like a lightweight.

- What's the play?
- Pickpocketing 101.

- Many more exciting items
up for auction tonight.

We've got a dancing sea lion,
some Komodo dragons,

and one of those elephants
that likes to paint pictures.

[chuckles] But first,
ladies and gentlemen,

behold the king of beasts!
[lion roars]

A magnificent
fully-grown male African lion.

- That lion is
what young Thorne is after.

When he wins the auction,

you intercept the envelope

with his bank account number
inside.

If we put the squeeze
on his financials,

- the rest is easy.
- Sure, I'll swipe it

from the assistant backstage
without breaking a sweat.

But why are you so sure
he's interested

in the lion, Batman?

They're running everything
from hyenas to ostriches.

Androcles Thorne, Robin.

If he's trying to launch
a flamboyant crime career,

all he's missing is the lion.

Um...

- According to myth
it was Androcles

who pulled a thorn
out of a lion's paw.

Oh, right. Sure.

In "Aesop's Fables"?

- Eventually attributed
to Aesop,

but originally from Apion,

in his lost work
"Aegyptiacorum."

Someone is not keeping up
with their assigned reading.

- Uh-oh.
- Bat computer...

[computer trills]
Adjust the daily schedule

to increase
Robin's library time

to three hours
in the evenings.

Aww, man.

Why does Gotham gotta have
such educated crooks?

- Expect Androcles to get
into a bidding w*r

with Rat King Cole.

Cole intends to buy the lion

for his daughter Georgina's
eighth birthday.

He's certain to outbid Thorne,

so you'll need to distract him
at the crucial moment.

- Not a problem.
Tell Alf I'll be home

- for dinner.
- Excellent.

I'll have him serve you
in the library.

- Batman out.
- [groans]

narrator: But the boy wonder
has little time

to rue his misfortune
as the auction is heating up.

- Very good.
Do I hear 200? 200.

A bid of 200
from Mr. Androcles Thorne.

- Do I--
- 300.

- Well, 300 is the bid
from His Majesty Rat King Cole.

Okay. Better get to work.

narrator: Rat King Cole is
not an easy man to reach.

The only phone he answers is
the burner in his vest pocket.

I bid 400.

narrator:
The number changes daily

and is known to exactly three

of his most trusted
associates,

all of whom are sitting
in the big top bleachers

beside him.

[phone ringing]

So who could that possibly be?

- What the--hello?

- Yeah, hi,
is this Rat King Cole?

Who the hell is this?

- King Cole,
you jolly old soul,

how are you?

This is Blabbo
the Birthday Clown.

You might have seen me on TV.

- What?
- Listen, I hear

little Georgina's
turning eight.

Is that right?
Boy, they sh**t up

like weeds, don't they?

How'd you get this number?

Look, can I level with you?

Business is bad,
straight up bad,

and I'm always trying
to scare up a little action

where I can.

So do you mind if I ask you,
how are you fixed

for birthday entertainment
at the present time?

- And the lion is...
[bangs gavel]

Sold to Androcles Thorne.

- [lion roars]
- What? Wait--

Congratulations, Mr. Thorne.

Please pass
your personal banking envelope

to our lovely assistant.

Hey, what's the big idea?

You sound busy. I better go.

Think it over, though.
The name is Blabbo.

- [line beeps]
- What the hell just happened?

- And better luck next time
to Rat King Cole.

That's why we ask you
to silence all cell phones.

Next on the auction block--
uh-oh, folks,

it's Olive
the Oil-Painting Elephant.

- [elephant trumpets]
- If I find

that birthday clown,
he's gonna wish

he was never born.

narrator: As the verminous
vice-lord vibrates with rage,

the boy wonder trains his eyes
on his next target.

Oh, merci, Monsieur Thorne.

narrator: The assistant
collects the payment envelope

from a jubilant
Androcles Thorne

and heads off
to deposit it backstage.

- Now for
some pickpocketing 101.

Hiyah!
narrator: Nimbly negotiating

the aerial rigging,

the former circus boy is
easily able

to follow the assistant
unseen.

As she couriers
the precious envelope

to a secure area...

- ♪ Alouette,
gentille alouette ♪

narrator:
Creeping up behind her

with an almost
numinous silence,

Robin reaches out
and swiftly takes--

- Hiyah!
- [grunts] What the--

narrator: A sharp elbow
to the chin?

- Uh-uh-uh, Boy Wonder.

You don't get to collect
the kitty

if you didn't ante up.

[thumping]

- Ow. What--aww, no.
Catwoman?

- [chuckles]
narrator: Indeed.

Robin's first impressions
were on the mark.

The lovely assistant
was planning to rob the joint.

And discarding
her extravagant wig

as she stuffs a thick stack
of bank envelopes

into her getaway bag,

it seems as if
she already has.

- Stay down, kid.
- Seriously?

Fifi the French girl?

Yeah, I'm not subtle.

Now, focus up.
I didn't hit you that hard.

I'm turning
all the animals loose,

then the lion and the loot
are coming home with me.

Do the smart thing

and fly on home yourself,
little bird.

No reason to risk losing
any of those baby teeth

- over this.
- Are you kidding?

This isn't just another
one of your heists, Catwoman.

The financial information
you're carrying

could ruin
half the Gotham underworld.

- Sounds like I get paid
and the good guys win.

- No, it sounds like
a bunch of small-timers

who are already feeling
the squeeze go bust

right as Two-Face and Penguin
are turning up the heat.

- So what?
So the small-timers

eat each other alive.

- And how many
innocent citizens are

collateral damage?

Mm, sorry, kid.

I didn't buy this pitch
from the Bat,

so I'm definitely
not interested

in the travel-size version.

- I'm not letting you
get away.

- Mm, then you're going
to watch the circus burn down.

- Uh-uh, you're not starting
any fires tonight.

Hmm. Okay.

- Make a move and--

Oh, baby bird,

the move's been made.

- [crowd screaming]
- Holy stampede!

- Yeah, Fifi gave Knuckles
the Gorilla a flamethrower.

- Oh, sweet mother Mavis,
the gorilla has a flamethrower!

[flames whoosh]
[distant screaming]

- Tell Batman
I'm fighting this w*r

on my terms from now on.

I don't run it by him first
and I don't ask permission.

If he wants to avoid
collateral damage,

he'll keep his face
clear of my boots.

narrator: As she disappears
into the smoke and chaos...

- Robin to Batcave.
- Batman here.

Did you get the envelope?

- Uh, good news and bad news
on that front.

The circus is on fire
and Catwoman is getting away

with a fortune in mob money.

- Catwoman?
What's the good news?

- No time
for extra library tonight.

Gotta go. Robin out.

narrator: The Catwoman refuses
to be tamed.

For the city is a jungle,
and the jungle needs a queen,

a truth that undergirds
life and death in Gotham City.

- Are you looking for fun?
[xylophone chimes]

- Are you looking
for the life of the party?

- Are you looking for Blabbo
the Birthday Clown?

Well, he's easy to find.

- See his listing
in the Gotham yellow pages

for his exact
business address,

which is also
his place of residence.

He's waiting by the phone.

So if you're looking
for a Blabbo,

there's no way
you won't find him.

- ♪ Blabbo
the Birthday Clown ♪

♪ He is sitting home
right now ♪

♪ If you're
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ You can stop on by ♪

♪ He doesn't lock his door ♪

- Blabbo the Birth--
[beep]

- We interrupt this broadcast
for a breaking news bulletin

from Gotham City One.

[upbeat music]

♪ Gotham City One ♪

- Good evening.
This is Jack Ryder.

I have just arrived
on the scene of a report

that there is an army
of escaped circus animals

rampaging through downtown.

Their leader is said to be--
what does that say, Mickey?

A gorilla with a flamethrower?
That can't be right.

[gorilla hoots]
Oh, okay. Nope.

That is what I'm looking at.
Apologies, Mickey.

All right, you know what,
though?

Let's stand back
a minute here, Mickey.

You got the sh*t.

You really want to die
on this hill?

For what, a local news award?

The city is advising owners
of downtown businesses

to board up their windows
if at all possible.

Robin the Boy Wonder is
on the scene

and is doing a miraculous job

of herding the beasts
to safety.

But many animals have broken
into storefronts,

and they're causing
considerable property damage.

I'm told there's literally

a bull in a china shop
on Front Street.

That's obviously gonna be
the headline,

but we've also spotted
an ostrich

in a ceiling fan store

and a giant Pacific octopus

in an adult novelty shop,

so maybe put the little ones
to bed

if you're gonna stay
with our coverage.

Neither of those situations

is gonna get
more family-friendly.

We're with this story
as it develops

on Gotham City One.

♪ ♪

♪ Gotham City One ♪

narrator: Gotham,
portrait of an obscurity

in onyx and jet.

Join us now for another tale

of life and death
in Gotham City.

A quiet night outside
the towering Greek columns

of the Gotham Museum
of Fine Arts.

"'The Harlequin' is here,"

proclaims a black
and red banner

strung across
the stately marble façade.

It refers to a priceless
work of art on display inside

but might just as accurately
refer to the arrival

of a windowless van
just pulling up

to the museum's front steps.

- Okay, you mugs.
This is it.

narrator:
"Queen of Diamonds Painting

and Wallpaper Services"

is what the van says
on the outside.

But the crew inside has

a different job
in mind for tonight.

- Scare up
the night watchman

and I'll handle the rest.

- Sure thing, Ms. Harley.
- You got it, boss.

narrator: Hauling a load
of stolen paint supplies

to the service entrance,

the two thugs make a bid
for immediate attention.

[pounding on door]

- I'm coming,
for crying out loud.

Hold your--
[door clicks open]

The heck is all this?

- They're paint cans
and paintbrushes, pally.

Where do you want us
to put 'em?

- What?
- Yeah.

We're the painting crew, Mac.

- What? Nobody ordered
a painting crew.

- [bells jingle]
- Oh, really?

That's too bad, Jackson.

'Cause I'm here
to paint the town red.

narrator:
Suddenly from the shadows,

an animate fever dream

arrayed in crimson felt
and bells.

Pinwheel eyes spin
behind a black mask

set upon a leering mug
of alabaster.

Harley Quinn has begun
her criminal career.

[chuckles] What an entrance.

- Oh, brother, a new one.
- Yeah, that's right.

I'm the new act in town.

Now, don't get cute
or Rosso here will show you

how he puts the pain
in painting.

- Who are you supposed to be,
like, a mime?

Mime?

What, I look
like a mime to you?

- Yeah, I'm getting
a mime vibe.

- 'Cept I'm screamin' at ya,
you ding-dong.

Oh, boy, are you ign'ant.

- Look, I don't keep up
with you kids

and your crime gimmicks.

Crime Mime makes as much sense
to me as Calendar Man.

- Okay, wise guy,
that attitude ain't promotin'

a healthy lifestyle.

You better take your vitamins.

- Huh?
- Hold him down

- and pinch his nose, boys.
- What the--

narrator:
With frightening strength,

Harley Quinn introduces
the night watchman

to a fistful
of mixed pharmaceuticals.

- Oh, go on, ya baby,
swallow 'em.

- They're just psych meds.
- [spitting]

What kind of psych meds?

- The kind that'll make you
feel better.

- Psych!
- [gulps, thuds]

- Now that'll knock him out
for a while.

- Yeah, but they'll come
looking for him

if he doesn't call in.

- We gotta put some mustard
on it.

narrator:
Abandoning the paint supplies

and coveralls at the door,

the newly-minted crime g*ng
creeps its way swiftly

to the grand gallery.

- Okay, you coconuts,
the painting's in here.

Now, remember--

narrator: But the remainder
of that sentence is forgotten

as Harley Quinn
first lays eyes

upon "The Harlequin."

[choral music]

Oh, my jeepers.

narrator: Her heart stops.

It's a miracle.

narrator:
She was right to come here.

She's never been
more certain of anything

in her entire life.

It's meant to be.

narrator: Because the face
staring down at her

from within the picture frame,

it's the face Harley sees
every morning

staring back at her
in the mirror.

It's me!

It's the spittin' image
of ol' Miss Harleen Quinzel.

narrator: Her mind reels
with the cosmic coincidence.

Nero, can you believe this?

Don't that look just like me?

You mean the painting?

Rosso, is that not bizarre?

- I'm not sure
what you're referring to, boss.

Are you not seeing this?

This is the most
noodle-bendin' freak-out

I've ever experienced.

What are the odds
of an exact likeness?

- You know, boss,
no offense, but--

- That girl in the painting,
she looks just like me!

Girl? In the painting?

- Okay, that's definitely
a painting of a man, boss.

narrator: In fact, it is.

More specifically,
it's a painting of a man

in his late 50s
with a handlebar mustache

and eyebrows that meet
in the middle.

But Harley Quinn has found
her calling,

and there's no turning back.

- Ooh, yes sirree, bobtail.
A perfect likeness!

- Okay, so how are we gonna
get it out of here?

- It's big.
Gotta move it quick.

- Backup security will be here
any minute.

Oh, relax, you screwballs.

We're not here to steal
the painting.

What?

- Steal a billion-dollar
painting?

What would be funny about that?

- Oh, boy.
- Uh, we trying to be

- funny here, boss?
- Doy!

Yeesh, yeah, hello,
I'm trying to win the heart

of a comedy legend, remember?

No, no. No robbery.

We're just here to receive
the next sign.

What sign, boss?

Another sign from Mr. J.

He's led me this far.

He's gotta have
something else in mind for me.

- Oh, boy.
- I got the gimmick,

I got the outfit,
but something is still missing.

That bozo out front
didn't even get my getup.

- [alarm blares]
- Boss, security is coming.

- Ah, maybe the clue is hidden
in the painting.

Like those kitty magazines
at the dentist's office.

- Uh, boss--
- Ooh, look!

A push-button audio tour.

- We can do this
in the daytime, boss.

Welcome to the Gotham Museum

of Fine Arts exhibition
of "The Harlequin."

- [distant clamoring]
- Hiya, toots.

- Who is "The Harlequin"?
- Ooh, good question.

- A rowdy mixture of wit,
ignorance, and grace

in a checkered costume.

- Ha!
You got that right, sister.

What else? Come on.

- Boss, they're coming
up the stairs.

"The Harlequin,"

theater's most beloved
star-crossed lover

and magical fool.

Magical fool.

Oh, I love that.

You're really telling
my life story, Miss Priss.

- The harlequin plays
the most crucial role

in the traditional
pantomime show.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Give me the crucial part.

- For Harlequin alone has
the power

to magically transform
dreary melodrama

into madcap comedy.

- [pounding at door]
- I do? How do I do that?

- Boss...
- The secret

to the Harlequin's power is
a magic bat or club

called a slapstick.

Magic bat!

That's it!

I need
a k*ller slapstick routine.

- Slapstick comedy may involve
both intentional v*olence

and v*olence by mishap.

- Those are Mr. J's
favorite kinds!

- Boss, hurry up, please.
[door rattling]

- As the epic comedy
of the harlequinade unfolds,

amazing transformations
happen on stage

at the touch
of Harlequin's magic bat.

A fat policeman might become
a living skeleton.

Or a dog may turn
into a pile of sausages.

"Eureka," I says!

narrator:
Inspiration has arrived.

Unfortunately,
so has security.

- [door crashes]
- All right, nobody move.

We have weapons drawn.

Okay, I know this looks bad,

but I think
I can clear everything up.

I just need a bat that makes
a dog turn into sausages.

- We're going back
to Blackgate, Nero.

- Ah, it looks like it, Rosso.
- No sudden moves.

We got you surrounded.

- Aww, youse two worry
too much.

We're gonna be fine.

This whole scene is
a classic setup.

The punchline
is gonna be k*ller.

- Yeah?
- What's the punchline, boss?

I don't know yet.

- Hmm.
- All right, everybody,

hands where I can see 'em.
Police are on their way.

narrator: As the security team
closes in,

it would seem that barring

uniquely helpful
comedic inspiration,

the criminal career
of Harley Quinn has ended

before it even started.

But just then, Harley sees

salvation is rushing
to meet her.

- Wait, wait, I got it.
I got the punchline.

What's made of ivory
and camel hair

and weighs 13,000 pounds?
[rumbling approaching]

- What--
- What's made

of ivory and camel hair
and weighs 13,000 pounds?

- The heck are you
talking abou--oh!

[dog barks]
Everyone, look out!

[elephant trumpets]
Out of the way!

- An elephant
with a paintbrush!

[screaming]
[elephant trumpets]

narrator:
Indeed, it would seem

that not only have
the escaped circus animals

reached the museum,

but Olive
the Oil-Painting Elephant

has helped herself

to the abandoned
painting supplies.

Wow, look at her go!

Rock on, sister.

Sweet frozen Moses!

Forget the crooks.
Save the artwork.

- Boss, how about we get out
while the gettin' is good?

- Heck yeah.
What are you waiting for,

you duds?
Let's b*at it.

Mr. J needs me to find
that magic bat

and make some sausages.

narrator: As Harley Quinn
ambles headlong

down the trail
towards to her prefab fate,

her prize seems within reach.

Yet destiny may still
scatter her breadcrumbs.

No matter how current
your map,

it's advised
to ask for directions

when navigating life and death
in Gotham City.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
the Iceberg Lounge presents

the incomparable,
inconsolable Miss Violet Bump.

[cheers and applause]
[jazzy ballad playing]

- ♪ Dancin' for dimes,
there must be more to life ♪

♪ Than dancin' for dimes ♪

♪ I've wished
a thousand times ♪

♪ Romance could be mine ♪

♪ A chance at cloud nine ♪

♪ But time after time I find ♪

♪ I'm... ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Just dancin' for dimes ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Dancin' for dimes ♪
[applause]

narrator: Gotham,
a company of marionettes

twisting in the wind.

Join us for another tale

of life and death
in Gotham City.

The Iceberg Lounge.

Headquarters
of the newly unified

- Penguin/
- Two-Face
crime super-syndicate.

Though their partnership
is already paying

handsome dividends
to Oswald Cobblepot--

in the form
of expert legal machinations--

Two-Face, meanwhile,
is feeling

no concomitant benefit.

- [as Harvey]
I don't want to do this.

[chuckles, as the Other]
Too bad.

We flipped for it. You lost.

narrator: Still suffering
from a crippling disharmony

between his two halves,

he has spent
the last several days

barricaded
inside a luxury hotel suite,

piled to the rafters
with obscure legal texts,

unable to bear any company
but his own.

And he is running out of ways
to cope

with a world full of choices
that refuse to be as simple

as heads or tails.

- [recording crackles]
- Welcome, dance enthusiasts,

to the "Learn to Dance
at Home" series.

So you've decided to learn
to dance the Two-Step.

- [as Harvey]
Obviously.

[as the Other]
Yeah, get on with it.

Let's boogie-woogie.

- With these
easy-to-follow-along

instructions,
you'll be two-stepping

in no time.

It's as easy
as counting to two.

One, two.

- That's what we wanted
to hear.

- Is your partner ready?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're ready.
Just get the show on the road.

[as Harvey] Don't talk back
to the record, please.

[as the Other] Shut up.

I can't help it
if I got manners.

- Gent, place your right hand
on her left shoulder

whilst your left arm is
held out to the side,

slightly bent.

On the first b*at,
step forward

as your partner steps back.

- Like that?
[as Harvey] No, you move back.

[as the Other]
I said I'm gonna lead.

[scoffs, as Harvey] Are you
even listening to the music?

You realize it relates
to our activities.

- [as the Other] Yes.
- On the second b*at,

glide each foot
past the other--

quick, quick, slow, slow.

- Your foot goes there, dummy.
[glassware clatters]

[as Harvey]
Watch what you're doing--

- [as the Other] What did I do?
- One, two.

One, two. One. Two.

One, two, one, two.
One. Two.

That's it. That's it.
Now you're getting it.

[record scratches, skips]
One, two, one, two.

- One, two.
- You're not even trying.

- I hate you.
- One, two, one, two...

- [laughs, as Harvey]
You're a midge.

A pestilential speck

buzzing in my ear,
you know that?

- You are nothing to me.
- One, two, one, two...

- The quintessence
of insignificance.

[as the Other] I don't know
what that means.

[laughs, as Harvey]
I know you don't.

- Of course you don't'!
- One, two, one, two...

- narrator: Suddenly...
- One, two...

- [knock at door]
- Huh?

[as the Other] What was that?
[record scratches]

- Harvey?
It's Oswald, old chum.

Are you all right?

What's going on in there?
[mimics horn honking]

[as Harvey] Go away, Oswald.

[as the Other]
And tell them to knock off

that ugly racket downstairs.

[as Harvey]
We're not doing any more

pro bono legal work for you.

- Aww, Harvey,
that's not what this is about.

- [as the Other] You sold us
a bum steer, Cobblepot.

[as Harvey ]
What are we getting

out of this little partnership
anyway, Oswald?

As near as we can tell,
you have gotten

about a half dozen
certifiable legal miracles.

[as the Other] You're
practically police commissioner

thanks to us,

and we're over here
scraping bupkes.

- I told you, I'm going
to help you get well, Harvey.

The best medical attention
money can buy.

Isn't that what I said?

This is well beyond
the pale, Harvey.

You can no longer function
in society.

[as Harvey] Go away.

- But that's
soon to be remedied, old egg.

I have someone here
who can help you.

- [as the Other]
We said hit the arches.

[as Harvey]
We're not opening the door.

- He's a world-renowned
psychiatrist, Harvey.

I spared no expense.

He was a protégé
of the great professor

Hugo Strange.

The Hugo Strange?

Formerly chair of psychiatry
at Gotham University?

Yes, Harvey, the very same.

This is his prize pupil.

You might say
he's the second greatest

psychiatrist in town.

- [as the Other]
Oh, second greatest.

- The number two man.
- That's it.

He's quite
a remarkable physician,

and he's right here.

- Won't you speak with him?
- No.

- [scoffs]
Are you certain, Harvey?

Why don't you ask the coin?

Go ahead, Harvey. I'll wait.

- [muttering, as Harvey]
We could ask the coin.

I could ask the coin
if I want to.

[coin pings]

[as the Other]
Oh, come on!

[locks clicking]

- There.
Isn't that bet--yikes!

I see we're
not a moment too soon.

- [as the Other]
This is him?

He's so skinny,
he's only got one side.

[as Harvey] You're taking
cheap sh*ts at his looks?

That's rich.
[as the Other] I'll give you

some beauty tips, pretty boy.

- Yes, clearly we don't have
a moment to waste.

Harvey Dent, I'd like you meet

your new personal
mental health professional.

His name is Dr. Jonathan Crane.

- Why, hello, Mr. Dent,
I'm so very pleased

to make your acquaintance.

- [chuckles]
Oh, the good doctor

is really going to get
in your noggin

and give it
a fresh coat of paint.

You won't believe
the difference.

Isn't that right, Dr. Crane?

Oh, most certainly.

I think we're gonna make
excellent progress

if you just put
your trust in me.

I promise you...
[chuckles]

You don't have a thing to fear

from Dr. Jonathan Crane.

narrator: What's this?

Unbeknownst to all present,

the Scarecrow stands
unmasked in their midst.

[chuckles]

narrator:
A doctor of the mind.

A surgeon of the psyche.

What diabolical malpractice
does he have in store

for Gotham's most famously
fractured fiend?

The answers
in the next excursion

out beyond life and death
in Gotham City.

To be continued...

- "Batman:
The Audio Adventures,"

written and directed
by Dennis McNicholas.

Batman created by Bob Kane
with Bill Finger.

Based on characters from DC.

With performances
by Jeffrey Wright,

Aristotle Athari,
Ike Barinholtz,

Rosario Dawson, Steve Higgins,

Toby Huss, Gillian Jacobs,

John Leguizamo,
Dennis McNicholas,

Tim Meadows, Seth Meyers,

Bobby Moynihan, Chris Parnell,

Katie Rich, Ben Rodgers,

Paul Scheer, Pete Schultz,

Brooke Shields, Brent Spiner,

Kenan Thompson, Alan Tudyk,

Bradley Whitford,
Melissa Villaseñor,

Eli Brueggemann, Doug Bossi,

Ronjini Brown, Chris Gibney,

Julie Larson, Erica Phillips,

Rosie Phillips, Tony Phillips,

Zoey Phillips, Deirdre Quinn,

Robbie Wyckoff.

Executive producers,
John Berg, Angela Petrella.

Produced by Dennis McNicholas.

Executives
in charge of production,

Shaleen Desae, Peter Girardi.

Producer, Tyler Dorson.

Production services
by Cast Media.

Producer, Colin Thompson.

Coordinating producer,
DJ Lubel.

Music by Doug Bossi.

Sound recording, design,
and mixing

by Big Yellow Duck.

Sound design, mixing,
dialogue editing,

and rerecording mixing
by Chris Gibney.

Dialogue editing
and additional post-production

by Julie Larson.

Original songs by Doug Bossi
and Tony Phillips.

The characters
and events depicted

in this podcast are fictional.

Any similarity
to any actual person

living or dead
or to any actual events,

firms, places, and
institutions or other entities

is coincidental
and unintentional


"Batman:
the Audio Adventures"

[jazz music]

♪ ♪
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