02x05 - The Challenge/Wild Child

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

Wah!

Oof!

Ah!

[fizzing]

[burp]

[Spinelli] We need a pitcher,
not a belly itcher.

Hey, watch the windows!
Kids and their infernal balls.

First middle school offer I get,
I am out of here.

[buzzing]

[Miss Lemon] Sir,
there's a Principal Prickly

on the phone for you.

That's ridiculous. I'm Principal Prickly.

I can't be calling myself, unless...

Paul, is that you?

Petey, little brother,

how's the second-best
elementary principal in town?

[chuckles] I don't know, Paul.

You'll have to look
in the mirror and ask him.

Oh, I see your rapier wit
hasn't lost its edge.

So let me use mine to cut to the chase.

I'm gonna be up your way tomorrow
and thought I might pop by for a visit.

[stammering] Visit to the school?
Tomorrow?

-That a problem, half-pint?
-No! Why should I have a problem

with a friendly visit
from my older brother

who just loves making me feel inferior?

No, no problem at all.

We're in shipshape around here.

See you tomorrow.

Miss Lemon!

Hurry up. We've only got 24 hours
to get this school shipshape.

[whirring]

Coming through, missy.

What the... Hey, that was my ball!

[worker] Heads up!

[gasps]

Towels, gentlemen? Cologne? Breath mints?

[engines roaring]

Talk about your close shave.

Cheese it. He's here.

-Paulie.
-Petey.

[Paul] So this is it, huh?

Nice flagpole. Of course, mine's bigger.

Right. Well,
let me show you around the school.

-After you.
-Sounds like the title of your life story.

Well, Petey, I have to say

your cafeteria serves
a pretty good filet mignon.

Oh, that's nothing.

If I'd had a little more notice
that you were coming--

Too bad your cook grilled
every ounce of flavor out of it.

Did I mention the chef at my school

graduated from the Cordon Bleu?

$86 the crème brûlée.

Let's stroll the grounds, shall we?

Oh, man, last inning
and we're a single run behind.

Yeah, and Gus is up.

No problem. Who's playing third base?

Ah, yes, Tracy "Too Deep" Logan.

Don't worry. I have a plan.

Look, the third baseman
has a tendency to play far too deep.

That means you should be able
to b*at out a little roller down the line.

In other words, bunt left.

Bunt left. Got it.

My word, little brother, You do keep
your school grounds looking immaculate.

Well, I can't take all the credit.

Hank our janitor has shown great facility
In executing my vision.

[kids cheering]

Excuse me just one second.

Stop all that jumping.
Get off the grass. It's rented.

[Paul] My, my, these kids
are quite the impressive little athletes.

Huh? I mean, don't I know it.

In fact, just last week, scouts
from Lincoln Middle School

were here recruiting.

I know what you mean, the coach
at Washington High offered to buy me a car

to get dibs on some of my youngsters.

Ha! A graduate of mine went on
to play professional kickball in Japan.

Japan, huh? Well if they are as good
as you say,

perhaps a wager is in order.

What did you have in mind?

Well, perhaps the losing brother
has to wash the winner's car.

In front of the loser's own school.

Wearing a bathing suit.

During recess.

Oh! Very gutsy, Petey. I accept.

Next week bring your kids to my school,

and we'll see who fields
the best kickball team.

Once and for all.

What just happened here?

I'd say we're stuck between a rock
and his older brother.

[Spinelli] Oh, man, this is sweet,

getting out of school
in the middle of the day, and why?

To play kickball.

Yeah, and look at these uniforms.

-Finally, a shirt that fits.
-Boy, this is gonna be fun.

OK, children, listen up.
When you're out there playing today,

never lose sight of the fact
that you represent your school

and, more importantly, me.

I want you to play the best game
of your young lives.

I want you to b*at the other team.
Humiliate them. Crush them.

Destroy them. Win, I tell you, win!

And, uh, oh, yeah, have fun.

Polish those floors,
replace those light bulbs,

clean those windows,

and that fresco artist
is laying down on the job again.

Principal prickly,
the new flagpole is here.

The 50-footer? Excellent.

It's beautiful.

[sounds of vehicle approaching]

Well, look who's here.

Petey!

Paulie.

[laughs] Come on, half-pint,
you've got a game to lose.

I think a flagpole that large is unseemly.

You know, guys, something about this place
seems kind of familiar.

It's the stink from the cafeteria.

They serve the same industrial slop
coast to coast.

I've given the kids
the rest of the day off

so they can see their schoolmates triumph
in the big kickball game.

Don't you think
you're a little overconfident?

Hmm, let me think about that.

No.

[Gus] I still say there's something fishy
about this place.

I just can't figure out what it is--!

[girl] Hey, we're digging here!

Yeah! No kids in the hole
without a helmet.

T.J.!

[Paul] Welcome, students, faculty,
lambs to the slaughter.

Even though today's kickball game
is a competition,

Principal Prickly, the other,
less-talented Principal Prickly

and I both wanted to remind you

that no matter what the outcome,
everybody will be a winner today...

except you, losers.

Guys! Guys! You're never gonna believe
what I just saw.

Calm down, Gus.

Yeah, you just got a case
of the pre-game jitters.

[Gretchen] Vince is right. Just take
a few deep breaths and you'll be fine.

And if that doesn't work, put a lid on it!

I'm trying to get into my zone, here.

But, but--

[Paul] And now, I'd like you to give it up
for the home team!

-[cheering]
-At second base, Regalli!

[spooky music plays]

[Paul] At shortstop, Vance.

[cheering]

It can't be.

In the outfield, Greta Grobler.

Also in the outfield, Russ Rimple.

It's happening!

At first base, Mickey.

They're, like, our doubles or something.

I believe the correct term
is doppelganger.

We have met the enemy, and he is us.

Oh, come on. That's crazy talk, guys.

I mean, sure, there's some similarities,

but it's not like
we're playing our clones or anything.

And finally, our pitcher and team captain,

C.J. Rottweiler!

[all] C.J. Rottweiler?

I'm scared, T.J., I wanna go home.

Look, I know this is a little creepy,
but it can't be as bad as it looks, right?

Batter up!

We want a kicker, not a nostril picker.

Hey! Shut up or you're dead meat.

[Regalli] You gonna make me, punk?

With pleasure.

When I get through with you,

you'll be able to sit next to yourself
on the school bus.

Come on, you monkeys, play ball!

Definitely Vince-like.

Hey! No fair!

That kid's really, really big.

Come on, Vince, you can do it, man!

Timeout, please.

What are they doing out there?

It appears to be a strategic maneuver.

It'll never work.

Home team sure is looking good,
eh, half-pint?

I'm not a half-pint. I'm a full pint!
A full pint! OK?

Don't worry, they might have stopped us,
but we can stop them, too.

[cheering]

[cheering]

Excuse me, I'm gonna go give the troops

a few words of encouragement.

Listen here, you little slackers,

I didn't spring for those uniforms
for nothing.

My whole reputation as an educator
and a man is riding on this game.

And you are all just lollygagging around.
Now, get out there and score some runs.

But we're not up right now.

Then score some runs when you are up,

or you'll all be looking at a quiz
on the state flowers tomorrow morning.

And if you don't score some runs,

you'll all be looking at a quiz
on the state birds tomorrow morning.

-Great bunch of kids.
-You're telling me.

Look, these guys might be as athletic
as we are,

they might be as smart as we are,

they might even have have a principal
who's as big a jerk as ours is,

but I'll tell you one thing,
they don't have the same heart, right?

[all] Right.

[C.J.] But I'll bet you this,
they don't have the same heart, right?

[all] Right.

Batter up!

Two outs, Gus, we need a kick.

Listen, kid, the whole game
is on your shoulders.

Make a mistake
and it's another year of fourth grade.

[Paul] Hey, you! Kid with the glasses.
If that kick comes your way,

you better catch it or it's two more years
of fourth grade.

-Strike!
-[Peter] What?

You can't call that a strike.
It was too bouncy.

How can a kid kick a ball that bouncy?

Gee. Maybe you're right. OK. Ball one.

[Paul] What? Are you crazy?
You can't just change a call like that.

-He can so.
-You stay out of this.

What? And let you browbeat the ump?

Are you calling me a cheater?

-I'm calling you a cheater.
-Are you calling me a cheater?

-I'm calling you a cheater.
-Are you even talking to me?

[the argument continues]

Guys, I'm going in.

What's going on out there?

I think they're negotiating.

[principals arguing in the background]

-Cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater.
-I'm not listening, I'm not listening.

La-la-la-la.

[C.J.] Quiet!

We have an announcement to make.

Yeah, we've agreed to a draw.

What? You can't do that.

You kids get back out there and play!
I tell you! Play!

Sorry, Principal Pricklys,

but we're not listening
to you guys anymore.

Yeah, we never thought anybody
could suck the fun out of kickball,

but this has definitely not been fun.

´Cause the thing is, sirs,

when you are a kid,
it's not whether you win or lose.

It's getting out of school
to play the game!

[cheering]

Come on, guys, let's go.

[Paul stammers] But, you kids
can't do this to me!

It's a conspiracy!

You set this up, didn't you?

Me? You're the one who's always cheating,

just like you did
when we used to play Chinese checkers.

I'm cheating? Who used to steal $500 bills
from the bank during Oligopoly?

You never let me be the race car!
Not once!

Don't bump me.

You bumped me.

Ow! Ah!

[grunting]

[scoffs] Adults.

You guys wanna play on our jungle gym?

We call it Old Crusty.

Wow, we call ours Old Rusty.

[laughter]

[Miss Grotke] Pee Wee Pals,
an idea whose time has come.

For one week, fourth grade big trees

have an opportunity to interact

one-on-one with the kindergarten saplings,

playing, sharing, learning,
and caring during recess.

-[students groan]
-[boy] Oh, man...

Here to explain more is the architect
of the Pee Wee Pals pilot program,

our own kindergarten teacher
Mrs. Klemperer.

They-They all just sit there quietly...

waiting. It's... beautiful.

-Mrs. Klemperer?
-Huh? Oh, yeah.

Um... well, I came up
with this Pee Wee Pals thing to, uh,

help the little ones prepare
for the challenge

of the numbered grades.

[murmurs] And buy me
a little peace and quiet.

Yeah, yeah. That's all fine and good,
but what's in it for us?

Good question, Spinelli.
Each of you big trees

will take away a sense of responsibility,

a deeper understanding of his/herself,

and a better idea
of how we really are all one...

[disappointed murmuring]

Oh, and two tickets
to Gonzo World Water Park and Arcade.

[all] Oh!

Now, are there any volunteers?

Yes! They're eating it up like fudge.

This is Freddie.

Hiya, Fred. Meet Tubby.

Tubby like Freddie.

Oh, man, this is gonna be so easy.
Gonzo World, here we come.

Yeah, I can smell the cotton candy
and the chlorine now.

OK, only six more left.

Kids, meet your Pee Wee Pals.

-Emma...
-[chomps]

Jake...

-Cindy...
-[giggles]

[laughs maniacally]

[Mrs. Klemperer] Zed...

-[armpit fart]
-Hector...

Bee! Catch bee! Eat bee!

[Mrs. Klemperer] And Spencer.

[barking]

[all barking]

Run away!

Get them!

[yelling]

Well, it seems like they're off
to a copacetic start.

Let's observe from a safe distance.

You mean like Cleveland?

Oh, man, this is a nightmare.

Someone remind me why we agreed to this.

-For the saplings?
-Saplings?

I was doing it for Gonzo World.

Now I'm not even sure it's worth that.

Not worth it? It's Gonzo World, guys.

Haven't you seen the commercials?

They got huge water slides 100 feet tall,

pounding rock music piped in the pools,

six types of corn dogs,

and The Eviscerator, flume of doom.

You guys stay up here all day
if you wanna,

but I'm going down there
and getting my ticket to Gonzo World.

T.J.'s right.

No munchkin's keeping me
from tasting the spray

of the world's most outrageous water park.

I must admit, I'm intrigued
by the physics of The Eviscerator.

Corn dogs.

OK, this is gonna be cake.

All we gotta do is keep asking ourselves,

"what's in it for me?"

[barking]

Heh... so kid, what do you do for fun?

Spencer eat paper.

Huh. Well, I'm still full from breakfast.

Hey, how about marbles?
You ever play marbles?

-Marbles yummy?
-Definitely not,

but fun? Forget about it.

Now then, this is a textbook.

Texttook.

It has fewer pictures
and a higher percentage

of small print than you're used to,

but it's packed
with the collective knowledge

of all humankind.

Isn't that exciting?

[chomps]

This is a ball. Here, catch.

Oh...

-Pretty flowers.
-I think I'm gonna spew.

[Cindy] Smell! Smell!

Knock it off, will you? Have some dignity.

You wander around acting
all gaga over weeds,

and the world's gonna eat you alive.

Yuck.

Yeah, yuck. You gotta get tough.

I got it. Ever arm-wrestle?

-Westle?
-Lesson one, your equipment.

Poetry! You've gotta like poetry.

"Tyger! Tyger! Burning bright,

in the forests of the night--"

[blows raspberry]

OK, how about meditation?

Tai chi?

[squishy noise]

Oh, Zed, you really know
how to bring a guy down.

[Gus] No, no, no, Hector!
Stay off of there!

You'll cut yourself
climbing over the sharp points

on the top of the fence and fall off

and cr*ck your head on the sidewalk
and stagger into traffic

without looking
and never live to see first grade!

Monkey bars!

Wait, wait, wait!

Monkey bars are a deathtrap
in the primary colors!

[Spencer] Oh, candy.

[T.J.] No, no, not candy. Toys.

The outtake is to take this big marble
and use it

to knock the smaller marbles
out of the circle.

Watch and learn.

[footsteps]

You watching, kid? Spencer, no!

[both] Whoa!

-[all] Whoa!
-[crash]

What? Who's responsible for this?

I demand an inquisition.
Nobody leaves the yard.

Man in crown go boom.

Come on, kid! Let's get out of here!

Shouldn't we intervene
in some of these situations, Gert?

The bigger kids
seem to be having a tough time.

Yeah, well, that's all part
of the Pee Wee Pals philosophy.

-What time is it?
-Quarter after. Why?

Time for my medication.

Ahh...

-I can't find him, sir.
-Well, keep looking!

That marble stunt was not good, Spencer.

Someone could have gotten hurt,
namely you and me.

Me want hat!

Are you nuts? This hat is me.

It's who I am.
Nobody wears this hat but me.

Hey, those are the breaks, kid.

Now, what are we gonna do for fun?

[T.J.] Too short for that.

Too stumpy for that.

Too fragile for that.

A-ha.

Ah, the swings. Can't top a classic.

You know how to pump, kid?

It's 50% legs, 50% arms, and 50% attitude.

Don't just sit there. Pump.

I'm doing it! I'm doing it!

Stabilize! Stabilize! You're cracking up!

[Swinger Girl screams]

[thud]

[spits] You little weasel!

I was only ten swings away
from my all-time record!

She eat sand! She eat sand! Wohoo!

I'll get you for this, Detweiler!

Here's a tip, don't cross Swinger Girl.

All those years of pumping
have given her wicked upper-body strength.

[panting]

What's the matter with you?
I did all the running.

Thirsty.

[sighs] Kids.

I wonder if the rest of the guys
are having this much fun.

Repeat after me.

-The rain...
-The rain...

-In Spain...
-In Spain...

Falls mainly in the moist temperate zone

southwest of the Pyrenees Mountains.

Bloobie, bloobie, bloo, bloo, bloo.

Emma, would you like to play a game?

Game! Game! Game!

It's a very simple
little board game called chess.

And he's out of there!

I mean, not too bad, rookie.
Try to get more loft.

I like to visualize sh**ting down
the blimp circling the stadium.

sh**t the blimp! sh**t the blimp!

[grunting]

Hey, no shame in losing, kid.

What do you say, best eight out of 15?

I see a lion with shoes on.

Clown shoes.

[Gus] Hector!

Got you! Hector, I told you
not to play over here.

Yeah, kid, listen to Gus.

He's pretty with it
when it comes to safety.

He taught us to always contact
the electric company

to find out about buried cables
before starting any dig

Wow! Safety Man!

[Spencer] Thirsty. Thirsty.

Hold up.

[whistling]

Spence, I got a hunch
that fountain's booby-trapped.

Let me check this out.

Hey, let me play,

or I'll make up something
to tell Finster on you!

[T.J.] Man, that's a tasty way
to cool off.

What are you babbling about, Detweiler?

The drinking fountain.
Drinky Soda's doing product testing,

they rigged it to dispense
black cherry lime cooler.

Black cherry lime? Out of my way.

[stammers]

[laughing]

Oh, man, that was classic.

Do I have an eye or what, kid? Kid?

[laughter]

[spitting] You little rodent, cut it out!

Whoa!

Get back here
with that punk kid, Detweiler!

That, if I'm not mistaked, am checkmate.

Excellent use
of the Drake Schuler offense.

Shall we play again?

Excellent fake-out, Jake.

Hey, that's your new athletic nickname,

Jake the Fake. Give me ten, Jake the Fake.

[grunting]

[cheering]

You have learned well, kid.

[Cindy] That's Cindy to you, kid.

[grunts]

-[cheering]
-[kid] Yeah!

Wait a darn minute! I want a rematch...

'cause that was way too fun!

[cheering]

Stay back, safety man. Danger.

Now you're getting it.
"beware" doesn't mean "be afraid."

It means "be aware."

That looks like a fish on a trike.

Yeah, and that one looks
like a double-decker bus

with a rabbit on top.

Winger-dinger?

-Should we call them in now?
-No, no. Just a few more minutes.

Oh, does the book indicate
we should let them play together longer?

No, the book indicates
that Lieutenant Chapeau

is about to take Guinevere
into his well-muscled arms and--

-Gert!
-All right, all right.

[whistles]

[Mrs. Klemperer] Hmm, why,
this is so strange.

Good, but strange.

My kids are practically behaving.

Yeah, we thought it was gonna be tough,

but the little munchkins turned out
to be pretty cool after all.

Hey! I think I'm one short.

Yes, where are T.J. and his sapling?

[T.J.] Psst! We're down here.

T.J., what happened to you?

Oh, nothing. Except this little monster
almost got me k*lled.

I thought this was gonna be a cinch.

Watch a little kid for a while,
go to Gonzo World.

Instead I get bruised, splashed, kicked,
yelled at, hunted, threatened, chased,

and nearly beaten up
three different times.

This kid is... just like me
when I was in kindergarten.

What am I saying? I had a blast.

A blast! Yay, T.J.!

Kid, you'll go far.
All you need are the right breaks,

a diverse and special group of friends,

and, of course, the proper headgear.

Teej, are you n-u-t-s? That's your hat!

It's OK, Spinelli,
I'm gonna see the little sapling tomorrow.

They're angels.
They're practically adults.

The peace, the quiet.

I might even be able to get them to nap.

Class, let's go inside.

It's time to put away our toys.

[screaming]

Oh! Ah! Oh, my aching neck.

Well, guys, it turned out
to be a good recess after all.

Yeah, I got some exercise, made a new pal,

and best of all, I'm going to Gonzo World.

There is no downside.

[Swinger Girl] There he is!

Dang! I was hoping
they wouldn't recognize me without my hat.

Gotta run.