02x10 - Economics of Recess/Omega Kids

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

[scream]

Ah!

[burp]

[engine starts]

What a crummy winter.
How's my tan line?

-What are you doing, Hank?
-Getting ready for the blizzard.

It's going to be a white Christmas.

White Christmas?
Get real, man.

We haven't had snow in Christmas
since I was in preschool.

It's all about faith, kids.

You've got to have faith.

I think Hank's a few fries short
of a kiddie meal.

He's not the only one. Look.

[metallic scrapping]

[T.J.]
It's gotta be 80 degrees out here

but the little kids
are acting like it's snowing.

Ah, youth.

Hey, when I was little, I used
to get excited about Christmas, too.

Yeah, back then,
everything seemed so big.

The presents,
the tree, my aunt Enid.

Actually,
now she seems even bigger.

I used to start my Christmas list
the day after Halloween.

made two columns.
One for educational toys,

the other for research
and technical pamphlets.

I used to try staying up late
to get a glimpse of Santa.

coming down the chimney,
but I always fell asleep.

Yeah, but now that we're older,
we all know the truth about him,

-don't we, guys?
-Well, not all of us.

[Mikey] Dear Santa,

I hope everything is going OK
at the North Pole.

How are Mrs. Claus and the elves?
Doing well, I trust.

As you might expect,
I have a few requests.

Yo, Mikey, you still sweating
over that letter to Santa?

Hey, it's important.

He's got a special column

for lazy writers on the naughty list,
you know?

No, I hadn't heard.

Once he goes on line,
it will be much easier.

[bell rings]

Oh, boy, the bell!
I'd love to stay and chat,

but it's time
for the Christmas show tryouts.

♪ Mi, mi, mi, mi, mi ♪

I just don't get
this Santa character.

I mean, why doesn't he charge
for these toys?

What's his motivation?

They've got to be kidding.

It is like, totally beneath my dignity
to play a glazed ham.

[children screaming]

Hey, Mikey, you're not in line.
I thought you wanted to audition.

No. I'm just here
to soak up the Christmas atmosphere.

Now, where was I?
Oh, yes.

This year, besides peace on earth
and good will toward men,

I'd like a volume of Shakespeare
and the Oxford Book of Modern Poetry.

And, oh, yeah, gum balls,
lots and lots of gum balls.

[whistles]

OK, pipe down, you yule-igans,

or you'll be in detention
till Christmas yet to come.

Now, everybody who's trying out
for Santa, line up over there,

and everybody who wants to be
a reindeer or an elf

get over there.
and everybody who--

Right this way, Mr. Bream.
As you can see,

the auditorium
is extremely well equipped.

We spared no expenses.

See those stage lights?
They're on dimmers.

-Amazing.
-Ah, Miss Finster, this is Mr. Bream.

He's from Hollywood.
He's looking for a school to use

-in his holiday TV special.
-It's not a TV special, Prickly.

It's a global satellite
nondenominational extravaganza.

-I've told you this three times.
-Right, right.

Uh, would you excuse me
for a moment?

Gladly.

This is big, Finster, really big.

If we can convince this Bream guy
to use our school for his TV show,

it will put Third Street on the map.

What am I saying?
It will put Third Street on the globe.

That's fine, sir.
There's only one problem.

-What's that?
-He's halfway out the door.

Gah! Mr. Bream, wait!

I've seen enough, Prickly.
Your school is like a million others.

I'm looking for something special.

Special? We've got special,
don't we, Miss Finster?

-Well--
-Look, Prickly.

Schools around the world are begging
to be part of this satelite hookup.

I've got Poipu Prep
and their Hula Hanukkah celebration

waiting to go in Waikiki.
What can you offer me?

Wait a minute, sir, What about that kid
from the spring fling?

-You know, the one with the voice.
-Oh yeah, the voice.

I haven't cried like that
since our land deal soured.

Bream, I'll give you the greatest
kid Santa you ever heard.

And I mean, ever.

Fourth grade? What do you feed
these kids, Prickly?

-Wait till you hear him.
-OK, kid.

-Give me a ho-ho-ho.
-Ho-ho-ho.

[nervous laugh]

Try it again, son,
and this time with feeling.

Ho-ho-ho.

I thought you said
this kid was special.

He is, he is.
Just give me a second.

Come on, kid.
You're k*lling me here.

Do it like you did last semester
for that music teacher.

You know, Miss Salamone.

Miss Salamone.

♪ Ha, ha, ha,
Yes, it's true ♪

♪ Little brown jug,
How I love you ♪

It was like breathing
for the soul.

♪ Ho, ho, ho-o-o-o ♪

That is my Santa!

Wow!
You were great, Mikey.

You're going to be
the perfect Santa Claus.

Gee, I sure hope so.

I've always tried to follow
Santa's teachings.

-Teachings?
-You know, be nice to kids,

-maintain a positive body image.
-Oh, brother.

Think of it, guys.
I'm gonna be playing

one of the greatest
human beings in history.

I've got to do something special
to mark the event, but what?

I know!
I'll invite Santa himself to the show.

Gee, Mikey, are you sure about this?
I mean, he's a busy man.

-You don't want to get disappointed.
-Why would I be disappointed?

Not only will I get to play the part,

but I'll get the chance to perform it
for the great man himself.

Hey, any of you guys remember
the zip code to the North Pole?

Ha! Santa's zip code?
That's easy.

It's all zeros, like you!

Bug off, Randall. You're just mad
'cause you didn't get the part.

Oh, I am, am I? Well, I've got news
for you, dumb-weiler.

Even if I did get to be Santa,
I would have turned it down

And you know why?
'Cause I don't play characters

-that aren't real!
-[gasp]

What's that supposed to mean?

Get lost, you little weasel,

or I'll show you
the true meaning of Christmas punch.

Don't listen to him, Mikey. Randall
doesn't know what he's talking about.

Yeah, he'll say anything
to get your go.

But what did he mean
Santa isn't real?

-Oh, you know how kids say that stuff.
-Kids? What kids?

You know,
kids who don't believe in Santa.

Wow. There are kids
who don't believe in Santa?

Well, at least we all believe in Santa,
right, guys?

Right?

Well, you see, Mikey,
it's just, uh...

Wait a minute. Are you guys saying
you don't believe in Santa?

It's not that we don't believe, Mikey.
It's just, well...

We're not real sure.

I mean,
you have to admit, Mikey,

the concept of an overweight man
on a red suit delivering presents

to several million children,
all in one night

is a tad difficult to accept.

I don't think you need to bring
his weight into it.

-Mikey, let me explain--
-No, you don't have to.

It's very clear.
You all think there's no Santa.

-We're sorry, Mikey.
-No!

Don't feel sorry for me.
I feel sorry for you.

-But Mikey--
-But nothing!

Santa's real,
and if you guys don't believe it,

then--
Then I'll just have to prove it to you!

-You'll see!
-Mikey, wait!

It's the Tooth Fairy incident
all over again.

Blue skies. Sunny days.

Snow's a-coming.

One, two, three, kick.
One, two, three, kick.

That's it, girls.
Dance like the reindeer inside you.

I'm telling you, Marty,
this is big.

I've got Harvey Hanukkah.
I've got dancing reindeer.

I got the spirit of Kwanzaa,

who I've named
"Good King Kwanzaa," by the way.

We have every card in the deck.

Even the most jingle-brained
political corrector

won't be able to complain
about this show.

Poor Mikey. He really took
that Santa thing pretty hard.

Look, he had to hear about it
sooner or later.

I mean, you can't go
through your whole life

-thinking Santa's a real guy.
-[Mikey] Oh, you can't, can you?

You gays say you need proof
to believe in Santa?

Well, here it is.
If Santa's not real,

how come he's in all these books?

"San Diego," "Sanitation".

-Oh, here it is: Santa Claus.
-See?

"Santa Claus has a variety of names
in many different languages,

but all refer to one St. Nicholas,

who was born in Turkey
in the third century...

-Told ya.
-...and d*ed circa 350 a.d.".

OK.

Well, why did they write about him
in the Scientific Journal, then?

It's a mathematical study.
Somebody crunched the numbers

and figured out
that in order for Santa

to reach all the kids in the world
in one night,

he would have to slide down an average
of 822.5 chimneys per second.

And that's if he didn't stop
for milk and cookies.

Face it, Mikey, there's no Santa.

Oh, yeah? Well,
that's what they want you to believe.

-They? Who's they?
-Isn't it obvious?

There's a worldwide conspiracy
to hide the truth

-about Santa's existence.
-Oh, come on, big guy.

-Face the facts.
-Facts? I'll show you facts.

Mikey, where are you going?

To prove to you guys that Santa's real,
once and for all.

Ah, here's
my golden-throated Santa now.

-Where's the boy going, Prickly?
-You know temperamental artists.

He's probably angry about
the bottled water in his dressing room.

-Have faith, he'll be back.
-He'd better be,

or else it's going to be
a Yuletide Luau live from Waikiki.

[Spinelli] Man,
this is embarrassing.

Yeah, we're the oldest kids in line.
Hey, no pushing!

It'll be worth it when I prove
to you guys that Santa's real.

Welcome to the North Pole South.
Toilet-trained children only.

There's a six dollar donation
for photos.

Here. We're getting
photographic evidence.

Ho-ho-ho.
Welcome, children.

My, so many in your group.
Who wants to go first?

-I do! I do!
-Uh!

Say, you're a big fella, aren't you?

Santa, my friends here
don't believe you're real.

Do something magic,
like tell them all their addresses,

or shrink yourself to chimney size,
or sing to them in Dutch.

Well, boys and girls,
your friend is--

Your friend is--
your friend is too heavy!

[man] Ow! Ow! My trick knee!

Tricia, get Lenny in here
to cover me.

He can't.
He's up at the food court.

Naturally. That bum
spends more time eating

than he does talking to kids.

Sheez.
This thing is driving me nuts!

-[gasp]
-Hey, you try

wearing a polyester beard
for four hours in this heat.

[Gus] Maybe Santa
was just having a bad day.

-Oh, that wasn't Santa.
-It wasn't?

No, that was an impostor.
They come out of the woodwork

-this time of year.
-So, where are we going now?

To see the real Santa.
He's riding in the big Christmas parade.

We better hurry,
or we're going to miss him.

[band playing "jingle bells"]

Look, it's Rainy Weathers,
the Channel 14 weathergirl.

Look! There's Commander Blade
from "Cartoon Calvary."

-And he's got Jasper with him.
-[horn honks]

Here he comes!
Here comes Santa Claus!

I mean, it looks like him.

OK, Mikey,
you proved there's a Santa.

Now let's get back
to the Christmas show.

-Not yet.
-Mikey, no!

-[gasp]
-[screeching]

-What happened?
-Santa, it's me, Mikey!

Oh, Mikey, what can I do for you?

I need your help, Santa.

See, my friends here
have lost their faith.

Tell them you really do live
at the North Pole

and how you really do fly
in your sleigh.

And-- And how you really are
the real Santa.

Uh... ho-ho-ho!
Mikey's right, kids.

I am the real Santy Claus.

I left my workshop for the day

to ride in your parade
because... I needed a break

from the sawing and hammering
in the toy shop.

Wow, Mikey's right!
He is real!

And to prove I'm the real Santy,

how about some homemade
Christmas candy

straight from the North Pole?

I'm starting to like this guy.

Psst. Hey, Ned,
where's that bag of caramel cubes?

I put them in your briefcase, sir.

[Fitzhugh| Uh...

Ha, ha, ha!
Here you go, kids.

-[gasp]
-What?

-You don't like caramel cubes?
-Mayor Fitzhugh?

Th-that's right, kiddies.

I'm mayor Fitzhugh and Santy Claus.

Now you be sure to tell mommy, daddy,
and any siblings of voting age

that I'm both swell guys
rolled into one.

Here, have some candy.

-Electioneering as Santa?
-That's low, Fitzhugh, really low.

Get us out of here, Ned.
I don't want another incident

[crowd booing]

Are you OK, Mikey?

I-I just don't understand
what's happened to Santa Claus.

[man] Ho-ho-ho, Ricky.

It's good to be on your show.

[Ricky] Hey, Santa,
I got to ask you,

those reindeer, are they expensive
to feed and groom?

[man] Oh, Ricky, you sleigh me.

Look, you got my belly shaking
like a bowl full of jelly.

Hey, that rhymes.
Ho-ho-ho!

He's on the radio!
Come on!

[Ricky] Hey, we're talking live
to Santa in the studio,

right here on WXMS,

where we've always needed
a sanity clause.

Where is Santa?
I've gotta talk to him.

Santa?
There's no Santa here.

-[man] Ho-ho-ho!
-Oh, there isn't, is there?

Wait! No one's allowed inside!

[man] Everyone knows the answer
to that one, Ricky.

I magically stop time
on Christmas eve.

I even stop time
when I'm double-parked

and don't want to get a ticket.
[laughing]

Hey, can I take you with me
the next time I go shopping, Santa?

[laughing]
[imitating Santa] Why, look, Ricky,

there's a little boy.
Ho ho! Come in, little boy.

What's your name, little boy?

I'm Mikey,
but you're not Santa.

You are Ricky McCloud,
the DJ on the bus posters.

You're just pretending to be Santa.

[normal voice]
Hey, hey! It's time for a word

from our sponsor: Dingle's Doughnuts.

Wow! Play along, Mikey.
There's little kids out there

who still believe
in this hokey Santa junk.

-Where's your Christmas spirit?
-It's gone, Mr. McCloud.

It's gone,
and it's never coming back.

Look, Mikey,
Santa can't possibly make

all the personal appearances
he's supposed to make

-this time of year.
-Yeah.

-That's what k*lled Elvis.
-Stop it, OK, you guys?

I was wrong,
and you were right.

There is no Santa.
All this time I've been a fool,

believing in something
that wasn't true.

I use to wait up
to hear the hoofs in my roof.

I used to leave cookies
and milk for him to eat,

But now I know the truth.

[gasp]

Hey, look at the bright side, Mikey.

-You're going to be on TV tomorrow.
-Oh, no, I'm not.

I'm not going
to that Christmas show.

And I'm not playing Santa.

But, Mikey,
everyone's counting on you.

I don't care. Santa's a big fake,
Christmas is a big lie,

and I just won't take part in it.

Now I know how the Grinch
must have felt.

[beeping]

[Hank] No snow around
for 500 miles.

Got to have faith,
got to have faith,

and maybe
some cloud-seeding equipment.

We should probably
get in our costumes.

I don't know, it's just--
I feel so bad for Mikey.

Maybe one of us
should tell principal Prickly

that Mikey's not showing up.

Hey, what he don't know
can't hurt him.

Oh, dirt.

[Prickly] Where's that kid?
Where's that kid?

-Did you find him?
-No, sir,

and I'm afraid I've got bad news.
Tell him, boy.

-Mikey's not coming.
-What?

But... what am I gonna do?

Uh, sir,
may I make a suggestion?

-Anything!
-Well, I believe young Randall here

would make a fine Santa replacement.

-Go "ho-ho-ho."
-Hee, hee, hee.

[clanking]

[train whistle blowing]

[voice] Buy, buy, buy.

Ho-ho-ho.

Buy, buy, buy.

-Ho-ho-ho.
-Capitalist dupe.

Buy, buy, buy.
Ho-ho-ho.

You're not Santa.
Nobody is.

[bicycle bells ring]

Oh, wow, clay-doh.
And it's still soft.

[gasps] A pink crayon.
How did you know?

Now, that's what I call
the spirit of Christmas, eh, Mikey?

How did you know my name?

Oh, I've seen you around.

-What are you doing down in the gutter?
-Thinking.

Looks more like moping to me.

I got some bad news about a friend.

Is your friend going to be all right?

I don't know,
seeing as how he doesn't exist.

Oh! You're talking about
that jolly fella.

Gives out toys,

The one they always draw
wearing a beard.

That's him. I tried to prove
to my friends he was real

and only ended up proving
to myself that he's not.

Now I want to give up.

This is a time for giving, Mikey,
not giving up.

I mean, just because you can't see
something with your eyes

or hear it with your ears
doesn't mean it's not real.

-Some things exist in here.
-In your heart?

Sure. If you can believe in Santa
in your heart,

then he is real,
and so is everything he stands for,

like giving and selflessness
and friendship.

I don't know, mister.

Even if I could start
believing in him again,

I know my friends can't.

Well, maybe there's a way
you can give them that belief back.

Heck! That would be
the greatest Christmas gift of all.

-[beeping]
-Well,

I better get inside.
It's tapioca night.

Merry Christmas, Mikey.

Merry Christmas, mister.

This is it, Prickly.
In three minutes, we're going live

-to five billion viewers.
-F-f-five billion?

That's right. So that Santa kid
of yours better be ready.

Otherwise, I flick this switch
and we're live from beautiful Waikiki.

We're getting the feed from New York.

It's a merry Christmas
here in Times Square,

but right now
we have a very special greeting

from the brave men and women
aboard space station Polk.

Uh, "Houston, we have a holiday."
[laughing]

And now we're going to principal
Peter Prickly's Third Street School

for a winter solstice extravaganza.

He said my name.
d*ck Clark said my name.

On three, two, one...
[whispering] go.

[orchestra music playing]

[both]
♪ Oh, we are ancient druids ♪

♪ This holiday's our thing ♪

♪ We like to burn
Our yule logs ♪

♪ And chant
And dance and sing ♪

♪ And I'm a tiny magic folk
I'm happy with myself ♪

♪ I'll celebrate this time
With you ♪

♪ But please don't call me elf ♪

♪ Well, I am
Good King Kwanzaa ♪

♪ I just achieved my fame ♪

♪ We celebrate
With nice fresh fruit ♪

♪ And that's how I got
My name ♪

♪ And I am Harvey Hanukkah
I dig this winter craze ♪

♪ When my folks
Start to celebrate ♪

♪ It takes us
Eight whole days ♪

♪ You've all been very patient ♪

♪ You've waited all year long ♪

♪ Now here comes
Our favorite guy ♪

♪ To finish off our song ♪

♪ Oh, I am ol' Kris-- ♪

-[cough]
-[Randall] Kris--

Hey, that's not the kid
I cast, Prickly.

-That's it. We're going to Hawaii.
-No!

-[grunting]
-Kris--

Looks like a case
of severe stage fright.

-Kris--
-So, Santa, buddy,

Didn't you have a song
you wanted to sing?

-[shudders]
-[gasp]

-He's out cold!
-Now what are we going to do?

[Mikey] Ho-ho-ho!

-[grunting]
-[both] Huh?

-♪ Ho ♪
-[clapping]

-Mikey!
-You showed up, man.

Hey, somebody's got to keep the faith.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I've got a worldwide audience
to inspire.

Oh, I am Old Kris Kringle,
star of this winter show.

Although you may not see me here,

in here, you've got to know.

[deep voice]
♪ I'm dreamin' ♪

♪ Of a white Christmas ♪

♪ Just like the ones
I used to know ♪

♪ Where the treetops glisten ♪

♪ And children listen ♪

♪ To hear sleigh bells ♪

♪ In the snow ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ Oh, I'm dreamin' ♪

♪ Of a white Christmas ♪

♪ With every Christmas card
I write ♪

♪ May your days be merry ♪

♪ And bright ♪

♪ And may all
Your Christmases ♪

♪ Be white ♪

[cheering]

That was so beautiful.

[sobbing]

Mikey, you did it.

If there really was a Santa, Mikey,
I bet he'd be just like you.

Gee, thanks, guys.

Hey, everybody,
it's snowing!

Wow.

Well, what are we waiting for?

[cheering]

[snow crunching]

Snowball fight! Take that!

[children laughing]

Hey, Mikey,
you made a great Santa.

Thanks to you, mister.

You helped me find
that place in my heart

that I thought was closed
for the holidays.

I don't think
it was closed, Mikey.

I just think you'd gone
and taken a lunch break.

-[watch beeps]
-Well, I better get going.

I still have lots to do
before the big day.

Hey, mister, how did you know
about my show?

-You invited me, remember?
-I did?

Wait! You dropped something!

Hey, wait a minute.

Yo, Mikey, who was the geezer
you were talking to?

Isn't that the letter
you wrote to Santa?

I thought you tore that up
and threw it into the wind.

I did.

[Santa] Ho-hp-ho!

-But that means...
-Yeah.

Santa shaved.

Merry Christmas to all,

and to all, a good night.

[Santa] ♪ Oh, jingle bells,
Prickly smells ♪

♪ Menlo's such a drag ♪

♪ The Ashley girls
Flip their curls ♪

♪ And Finster is a hag ♪

♪ Oh, jingle bells
Randall tells ♪

♪ Kindergartners scream ♪

♪ What's that noise?
The digger boys ♪

♪ For lunch
They ate some beans ♪

♪ Oh, jingle bells ♪

♪ Christmas spells
Two weeks off from school ♪

♪ No more books
Or lunch from cooks ♪

♪ The holidays are cool ♪