02x11 - Yes, Mikey, Santa Does Shave

[bunniefuu]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

[scream]

Ah!

[burps]

[bell rings]

[children cheer]

It's game day, Lawson.
Prepare to meet thy doom.

Don't make me laugh, Detweiler.

We creamed you guys last year.
We'll do again it this year.

Oh, I'm shaking in my high tops.

Spare us, Lawson
We've seen you fifth graders practice.

-Yeah, you guys whomp.
-What was that, Detweiler?

You heard me.
You guys whomp.

That's it, Detweiler.
It's go time.

Chill out, Lawson.
"Whomp" is just T.J.'s word.

It doesn't mean anything.

-Huh? What are you talking about?
-You don't know?

T.J. is the kid who will never
get in trouble for swearing.

-Because of the verb "to whomp."
-The verb to what?

It all started back in second grade.

[T.J.] Sorry I got you sent
to the wall, Vince.

Every kid knows
you're not supposed to cuss in school.

Hey, I laughed after repeated it.

It's just-- Booger-head.
That's a classic.

You know what we need, Vince?

We need a word
that will never get us in trouble,

a word that doesn't mean anything.

That way, when we stub a finger
playing Low Ball

or spill hot cocoa in our laps...

We can yell
without ending up at the wall.

Neat!
But what's the word?

It's got to be something short,
sweet, and meaningless.

-How about "sprocket"?
-I think that's part of a tractor.

-"Borscht"?
-That's some sort of dessert.

-"Phlegm"?
-Too gross.

Aw, man!
This making up stuff whomps.

"Whomps", that's it!

[Finster]
No giving skin at the wall!

So you mean
"whomps" doesn't mean anything?

-You got it.
-Cool.

[bell rings]

Aw, man! We got so wound up
in Detweiler's story, we missed recess.

This whomps.

-[gasp]
-What did you say, Detweiler?

-I just said "this whomps."
-That's it, Mr. Potty Mouth!

It's the principal's office for you.
March!

But, Miss Finster,
you don't understand.

Guys, we've got to do something.

Bad language is an a*t*matic
level 4 detention.

Oh, come on.
How could they possibly punish T.J.

for saying a word he invented?

[Prickly] This is
a very serious situation,

a very serious situation indeed.

We can't have bad language in school.

-I know, sir, but--
-You see, bad language

undermines authority.

It demonstrates impertinence,
disrespect, laziness.

-But all I said was--
-I know what you said.

I can't keep up with you kids
and your gutter slang,

But Miss Finster assures me it's filthy.

I have no choice but to give you
detention level 5.

Level 5?
Man, this whomps.

Make that level 6. Are you ready
to push me any further?

Four o'clock. Aw, man.

How long are they going
to keep him in there?

I hope you've learned your lesson, son.

Know this:
I've alerted the entire faculty.

Your little word
is now officially forbidden.

Were they though on you
in there, Teej?

Did they let you
do your homework?

Or go to the bathroom?

Sure, Gus,
but a trip to the boys' room

can't buy back
what they took from me.

-What'd they take?
-They took my word.

They made it
into something ugly and unclean.

Well, two can play that game.
Or 200.

-What do you mean, T.J.?
-Guys, I've got a plan.

OK, boys and girls,
here's the fun part,

-let's name our kickball teams.
-Uh, OK, Mr. Klugey.

We're going to be the... Wild Fish?

Very clever, son. Vince?

Watch out, Wild Fish.
We're The Whompers!

[cheering]

-[blows whistle]
-LaSalle, that word is off limits!

You know that.
Principal's office, pronto.

It's begun.

Hi, Mrs. Lunch Lady.
I'd like the Salisbury steak, please,

with black-eyed peas and a big
whomping helping of mashed yams.

-[slam]
-[scream]

I whomped my finger in my desk.

Spinelli!
Oh, dear.

Now I have to send you
to the principal's office.

Yee-ha! I'm sh**ting
for 3,000 whomps!

-A world whomp record!
-[whistle blows]

Those platform shoes so totally--

-[all] Whomp!
-[whistle blows]

[laughs]

[chattering]

Naming your class hamster whompy--

You people should be
ashamed of yourselves.

[yelp]

Miss Flemming, please tell me these kids
are here to present me

with a "World's Best Principal" plaque.

No, just more kids saying the "w" word.

I can't stand it anymore!

I haven't had a moment's peace in days!

That's it, out of my office.
Sign your names on the sheet by the door

and get out of here.

[slam]

Who the heck
is Whompy Whomperson?

[sputters]

That's it. Desperate times
call for desperate measures.

[man] Board of Education,
Special Services.

-Prickly here, from Third Street.
-[man] Yeah?

I've got a... situation.

One of my bad apples
has spoiled the whole bunch,

if you know what I mean.
You've got to help me.

-[man] Hold.
-[background music]

[man] OK,
we're sending over Mr. White.

White?
You mean the cleaner?

[man] That's right. If anyone
can solve your problem, it's him.

-And, Prickly.
-Yes?

[man] Don't use this line again.

Let's see
those little whompers laugh now.

-[helicopter whirring]
-[gasp]

Look, a Kowalski Z-77 Blackhawk.

With Board of Ed. insignia.

[screeching]

[men] Hut, hut, hut!

Thank goodness you're here, Mr. White.

Now, about this
bad language situation,

I was thinking we could institute
a nickel-per-use law.

Show me to your office, Prickly.
I'd like some Darjeeling tea

and six vanilla cream sandwich cookies
on a china plate.

But this isn't teatime, it's an emergency.
It's time for action!

First tea, then action.

-Who was that guy?
-[Miss Finster] Detweiler!

Someone wants to see you.

So, hat's the whole story, Mr. White.
I just made the word up.

It doesn't mean anything at all.

I understand completely, T.J.

You seem like a fine,
well-meaning young man.

-You needn't worry about this anymore.
-[slurp]

Thanks a lot, Mr. White.

Prickly, this "w" word is a cancer.
It must be removed.

Removed?
It's that serious?

-Serious? You've heard the word "dang."
-Yes.

But "dang" started out
as a harmless replacement

for a certain bad word,
but it spread like wildfire

across playgrounds and gymnasiums.

Today it's no longer
a stand-in for a bad word,

but a full blown bad word
in its own right.

I had no idea.

I let that one
get away from me, Prickly.

Well, I'm not about
to let that happen again.

The whomp stops here.

How exactly do we do that?

By making an example of the boy
who sparked the fire.

An example? Good, good.
But how?

It's already in the works.

Kids of the playground,
I talked to their man, White.

He assured me this whole thing
was a misunderstanding.

[cheering]

From this day forth, no kid
will ever again get in trouble

for saying the word "whomps."

[man] T.J. Detweiler, freeze!

You others,
step away from the kid.

Son, you're coming with us.

[all] T.J.! T.J.! T.J.!

[White] It was then that Mr. Detweiler
uttered a word so vile,

I cannot bring myself to utter it
in these hallowed halls,

A word so dangerous,
ladies and gentlemen,

that if left unchecked,
its usage could wend its way

into our children's vernacular,

eventually causing society to crumble

and civilization as we know it,
to come to an end.

I love that man.

Superintendent Skinner,
your decision is clear.

Make an example of this miscreant.

Expel him
with extreme prejudice.

That way, no child
will ever use this word again.

The board of education rests.

-[whispering]
-[stomp]

Thank you, Mr. White.

Eloquent, powerful,
and not just a little frightening.

Theodore J. Detweiler,
based on the evidence presented here,

I have no choice
but to sentence you to--

[Grotke] Wait!

Superintendent Skinner,
I have a witness.

My old professor,
Dr. Reginald Dice Weathersby,

PHD, Slangologist.

-Slang what?
-Slangologist, sir.

Doctor Dice is an expert
in American slang,

and he's agreed to speak
on T.J.'s behalf.

What up, high binder? I'm here
to lay it out straight for the can.

[whispering]

Very well, Doctor.
Uh... Proceed.

Chill, shorty, and let me
do the bobbering. S'all good.

-What did he say?
-Gah, me.

Pad this, hammer man.
T.J. Was just a boogler,

hopping his aconas to a real gasser.

You can't dis the kins
for egging the profs.

You tune them out rhythm, man.

The big "w" ain't a word, ace.
That's the crap.

This biggety egg don't hold no air.

Superintendent, this man
disgusts me to the core.

I demand his testimony
be stricken from the record

And that he be forcibly removed
from the courtroom.

Yo, baby,
this yank is starting to ag me.

I doubt this man is even an expert.
I question his credentials!

How dare question my credentials, sir!

I did not spend 12 years studying
at the world's finest universities

just to be slandered by the likes
of some civil servant.

Civil servant?
Why, you pinko egghead.

-Jackbooted thug.
-Commie brainiac.

[grunting]

[whistling]

Superintendent Skinner,
can I please speak for myself?

Well, it's highly unusual
in these hearings,

but so is everything else here today.
Go ahead, son.

Sir, I know Dr. Dice
is trying to help me,

but the stuff he's saying,
the way he talks

is from a whole other time.

[T.J.] I also get
what Mr. White's trying to say.

New words just scare him,
that's all.

But the thing is, sir,
making up words and stuff is part

of what being a kid is all about.

We love to make up words for junk.
We're not looking for trouble.

The fact is, I invented that word
to stay out of trouble.

And now, just 'cause someone thinks
my word sounds bad,

I have to stand here today
defending myself.

I don't mean to be rude sir,

but if you ask me,
this whole thing whomps.

Young man, how dare you!

Sir, I tried to keep that terrible word
out of the courtroom,

-but as you can see,
this young man has no regard--

Whoa, whoa! Wait a minute.

Mr. White, what terrible word
are we talking about here?

Well, the word is "whomps," sir.

"Whomps"?
White, are you telling me

this entire proceeding
is over the word "whomps"?

Uh, yes, that's correct.

[laughing]

Sir, I fail to see what's so funny.

The word!
That's what's so funny, White.

"Whomps"!
it's a funny word.

No, it isn't, sir! It's shameful filth.

Its meaning is clearly obscene.

It doesn't mean anything obscene to me.
How about you, young lady?

Does "whomps"
mean anything obscene to you?

Me? No.
I think it's just a clever

and creative way
to say "how unpleasant".

-And you, sir?
-Oh, to me

it means
something's repellent or offensive.

That, or bodacious.

-And you?
-I think it's cute.

-It sounds vaguely French.
-Sounds like a type of fish to me.

And I think it's funny.

Anyone who hears dirty meaning
In this "whomps" word

probably has a dirty mind
to begin with.

The Board of Education
has no control

over what goes on
inside people's minds.

Hard as we try.

I therefore find Theodore J. Detweiler
not guilty!

-[stomp]
-[cheering]

That means you're expected to be
in school tomorrow morning, young man.

It's sort of
a hollow victory, huh, Teej?

This whomps.

-Anybody seen Spinelli?
-We thought she was with you.

She was supposed to meet me
at the corner on the way to school,

-but she never showed up.
-Hey, there she is.

[Bob] Bye, Pooky!

[engine's noise]

[Vince] Hey, Spinelli, where you been?

I don't want to talk about it, OK?

-Why not?
-'Cause I don't!

Come on, Spinelli,
what's bugging you?

-Yeah, let it out.
-[sigh] Fine.

Last night my parents made me go
to the supermarket.

Oh, that's rough.

Yeah, my mom took me to the market
a couple weeks ago.

She made me sit in that little seat.

This was worse, OK?

It started out pretty normal,

just like any other trip to the store.

Look, Pooky, Wubble-bubble's on sale.

-Your favorite!
-Mom!

[laughing] I don't know
who you're talking to, lady,

but I'm not Pooky.

Let's hope it doesn't put
a rash on your heinie

-like last time, hmm?
-Dad!

Could we just get moving?

[Spinelli] And that's when it happened.

-[bump]
-[gasps]

[T.J.] Wait a minute.

You're telling us you saw Finster?
The Finster shopping?

-In the supermarket?
-Like a normal person?

I'm not buying it.
I can't afford to.

Actually, Spinelli's story
could be true.

I mean, teachers are human.

Therefore logically, they must eat, sleep,
and presumably shop.

Yeah. And that ain't the half of it.

-You mean there's more?
-Much, much more.

Miss Finster, I'm-- I'm--

Bob! Flo!

-[both] Muriel!
-Muriel?

What a surprise.

I haven't seen you, people,
since Flo's mother moved out of town.

-How is Aggie anyway?
-Oh, fine, fine.

[Flo] You know,
she's retiring next month.

You don't say.
Oh, the years sure speed by.

It seems like just yesterday
me and Aggie were shaking it

for the troops in the South Pacific.

-Shaking it?
-[Bob] You know?

They're having a big shindig for her
this weekend. You ought to go, Muriel.

No, I don't go to those things.
They depress me.

-Give her my best, tho.
-Well, actually, we're not going, either.

There's a babysitters' convention
in Tahoe this weekend,

and we can't find anyone
to watch our little dumpling.

Aw, gee, it's too bad
you're going to miss Aggie's party.

Say, I know someone
who might be able to help you out.

[Flo] You do? Who?

-Me!
-No!

Finster babysitting you?
It can't be.

-Well, it is.
-Been good knowing you, Spinelli.

Hey, if you don't survive the weekend,
can I have your catcher's mitt?

Oh, come on, guys.
It's not as bad as all that.

T.J.'s right.
You're the toughest kid in school.

Yeah, you've made it
through worse than this.

Remember that time
you called Mrs. Grotke mama?

Sure, just keep your spirits up
and make the best of it. You'll be fine.

Gee, maybe you guys are right.
I can make it through this.

I can make it through anything.
Thanks, guys.

She's doomed.

[bell rings]

How would you like detention
for the rest of your life,

-huh, little missy?
-[sobs] No.

Then don't ever let me catch you yawning
without covering your mouth again!

All right, Spinelli, let's go.

-So long, Spinelli.
-Be tough, kid.

[sobs]

Get in.

[engine's roar]

So, Spinelli,
how about a little radio?

Tunes? Righteous!

[man] Welcome to K-dust
on your a.m. dial,

where it's all Broadway all the time.

-Everyone likes the oldies.
-Actually, I like the newies.

You'll learn.

-[music playing]
-Oh!

This one's from "men from over there."

What a show.

♪ Cause we're the men ♪

♪ From over there, there, there ♪

♪ Yes, we're the men ♪

♪ From over there, there, there ♪

♪ 'Cause we're the men ♪

♪ From over there, there, there ♪

♪ We're the men ♪

Well, here's my pad.

Please just call it an apartment.

-What's that?
-It's a cat door for strays.

Say, you're kind of a stray
yourself this weekend.

You're not going to stuff me
through that, are ya?

Of course not.

You'd upset the saucer of milk
on the other side.

[laughing]

Make yourself at home.
Just don't touch anything.

I'll get dinner started.

Great. I'm so hungry,
I could eat a horse.

Ohm you're in luck.
We're having horse liver

with Lima beans
and Brussels sprouts.

Why me?

Cop a squat, Spinelli.

We'll catch something
on the boob tube.

Cool!
Wrestling's on tonight.

Nonsense.
We're watching "McManus."

McManus? The vet detective?

-You've got to be kidding.
- Shh. It's starting.

So, Mac, how did you know
the diamonds were in the cow?

Well, let's just say
I milked a friend for information.

[laughing]

[man] McManus,
vigilante veterinarian.

Tonight's episode:
Hare's looking at you, punk.

Oh, brother.

[gargling]

-[spits]
-Some Friday night.

No dessert, no wrestling,
serious lack of toys.

Ah!

Hey, we gals
gotta stay beautiful, don't we?

Man, it can't get
much worse than this.

[Finster] Hey, Spinelli, be a hon
and do me a favor, will you?

-What's that?
-[Finster] Put my teeth back in the jar.

That's your bed.

Hey, who's this with Madonna?

[Finster] Madonna? That's me
and your grandma in Guam back in '52.

Aggie and me sure had fun together
back in those days.

-Well, good night, Spinelli.
-[clap]

Good night, Miss Finster.

[snoring]

Help me.

-[Finster] Fourteen. Fifteen.
-[metallic noises]

-Sixteen.
-What the--

Seventeen.
[grunting] Eighteen.

Oh, you're up. Good.
[grunting] Nineteen.

-Twenty!
-What time is it?

-Five.
-A.M.?

You got it.
[grunting]

[groans]

-Where are you going?
-It's Saturday. I'm watching cartoons.

Cartoons? That's kid stuff.
We've got errands to run.

[sniffs]
Let's go, I can shower later.

[sniffs]
I wish you'd shower now.

So I says:
"Well, that's a fine how-do-you-do".

-And I don't tip him.
-Good for you, Gertie.

Sassy and economical.

"Is standing up
an extreme sport?"

[sighs] Oh, boy.

[all] Muriel!

Hi, everybody.
This is Spinelli.

[all] Spinelli!

What can I do you for, gorgeous?

-Just the usual, doc.
-One bunion scrape coming up.

Oh, it's m*rder
being on my feet all day.

Whew. Someone
didn't shower this morning.

[sighs]

Great day, huh, Spinelli?

Good bunion scrape, a couple of hours
of bridge with the girls,

and a trip to the Civic Band Shell.

Nothing like three hours of Sousa.

That's living large, all right.

-I'll go make dinner.
-What are we having?

You're in luck, more liver.

Could you excuse me?
I think I need to use the restroom.

Okey-dokey.

[slam]

-[dial tone]
-Hello, T.J.? it's me.

Listen, you gotta do something.
She's driving me crazy!

Hmn.
I wonder what she'd like better,

creamed asparagus
or creamed beets.

Hey, Spinelli!

[Spinelli] I'm telling you, Teej,
it's horrible.

All she ever does
is old people stuff.

Look, I knew she was mean,

but I had no idea
she was so boring.

Is it true, Muriel?
Have you gotten boring?

OK, well, see you later.

Maybe.
[sighs]

-Can I help?
-[Finster] No. Just go watch some TV.

What do you want me to watch?

Huh? I don't know.
Anything. Just go.

OK.

[man] An now, boys and girls,

It's Commander Blade's
Cartoon Cavalcade!

Bye-bye, boys and girls.

Tune in next week
for another hilarious--

-[click]
-Hey!

Come on. It's time for dinner.

[sighs]

What the--

We're having a Luau.

-A Luau?
-Yep.

Your grandma and me used to do this
all the time back in Guam.

Listen!

-[hawaiian music playing]
-I don't believe this.

Hey, it's fun. Watch.

♪ I'm a hula-hula baby ♪

♪ In a hula navy ♪

Come on, shake it!

Aw, what the heck?

That's the ticket.
Now you got it.

Good, good.
It's all in the hips.

♪ I'm a hula-hula baby ♪

♪ In a hula navy ♪

You sure
she needs our help?

Are you kidding?
She sounded desperate.

Who knows what horrible t*rture
Finster's putting her through?

Guys, let's promise
never to talk about this.

Thanks for everything, Miss Finster.
I had a great weekend.

Oh, are you kidding?
Batting practice, miniature golf tourney,

Chili dogs in the park--

-It was a Sunday I'll never forget.
-Yeah, same here.

Uh, Spinelli, there's one other thing.

-[Spinelli] Yes?
-What happened between us this weekend,

it doesn't change anything.

As soon as you get out of this car,

You'll be the student again
and I'll be the teacher.

I wouldn't expect anything less.

-Hey, you, you're late!
-But, Miss Finster, I--

No excuses, missy!
Now get inside!

Yes, ma'am.

And, you, no running on the sidewalk.
And, you, no walking on the grass.

Keep it moving, missy.

[bell rings]